Bilgiler > All Subtitles of Louis CK Stand Up Comedies

All Subtitles of Louis CK Stand Up Comedies

Go ahead and do the lights.



Go ahead.



Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K.



Hello.



Thank you.



Thank you very much.



Thank you.



Um...



So, you know, I think abortion is, um...



I...



Here's what I think.



Here's what I... This is what I think.



Here's what I think. I...



I think you should not get an abortion
unless you need one.



In which case...
In which case, you'd better get one.



I mean, seriously.



If you need an abortion,
you'd better get one.



Don't fuck around.



And hurry.



Not getting an abortion
that you need is like not taking a shit.



That's how bad that is.



It's like not taking a shit.



That's what I think.



I think abortion is exactly like
taking a shit.



I think it is %
the exact same thing as taking a shit.



Or it isn't.



It is, or it isn't.



It's either taking a shit,
or it's killing a baby.



It's only one of those two things.



It's no other things.



If you didn't like hearing
it's like taking a shit,



you think it's killing a baby.
That's the only other one you get to have.



Which means you should be holding a sign
in front of the place.



People hate abortion protesters.
They're so shrill and awful.



They think babies are being murdered.



What are they supposed to be like?
Uh, that's not cool.



I don't wanna be a dick about it, though.



I don't want to ruin their day as they
murder several babies all the time.



I don't think it's killing a baby.
I don't.



I mean, it is, it's a little bit...



It's a little bit killing a baby.
It's a little bit...



It's % killing a baby.
It's totally killing a whole baby.



But I think that women should be allowed
to kill babies.



That's what I think.



They should be allowed to kill babies.



Yeah.



Whoo!



We get to kill babies!



Let's do some shots and kill some babies.



I killed like four babies last night.
It was fucking retarded.



It has to be one or the other.



You know, like, when people say,
abortion should be legal, safe and rare.



Why rare if it should be legal?



If it should be legal,
it's... It's shitting.



If it should be rare,
it's murdering babies.



But, again, women should be allowed
because...



Two reasons I think women
should be allowed to kill babies.



Number one,
I don't think life is that important.



It's just not.



It is not.



People get too excited...



about life. "Oh, life."



Fuck you. It's not that...



Make a list of every shitty thing ever,
that's in life.



Life is okay. I like life.



I like it. I don't need it.



I'd be fine without it.



I like life, though. I do.
You know how much I like life?



I have never killed myself.



- That's how much I like it.
- Whoo!



That's exactly how much I like it,
with a razor-thin margin.



I like it precisely enough
to not kill myself.



It's an option, though.
It's totally an option.



I mean, I'm . I have two kids.



I've flipped through the brochure
a few times.



I've thought of killing myself just
to win an argument.



Not supposed to talk about suicide,
even to your shrink.



You ever go to a shrink and they're like,
Have you had thoughts... of suicide?



And you're like, "No, because
if I say yes, you'll press a button,



and folks will run in and hold me...
Hold him down!



You should talk about it.



The whole world is just made of people
who didn't kill themselves today.



That's who's here.



It's all of us that went,
Okay, fuck it, keep doing it.



It's...



It's an interesting thing about life.



Life can get very difficult,
very sad, very upsetting.



But you don't have to do it.
You don't have to do it.



You don't have to do anything.



You never have to do anything
because you can kill yourself.



If they send you a letter
from Motor Vehicles, come in and:



No, I don't. I'll kill myself.



You can do that. You can do that once.



But you can do it.



It's interesting because even when life
gets bad, people choose it over nothing.



Even the worst versions of life,
even a shitty, shitty life,



is worth living, apparently.



'Cause folks are living the fuck out
of them.



Have you ever seen somebody, you're like,
"He should kill himself.



Why did he not... that dude..."



Ever been driving and you look
in the next car, you're like, "Ugh, shit.



I wish I hadn't looked in that car.



That was difficult to glance at...



let alone being it."



Just a guy in a...



In a tan car.



Nobody chooses tan.



Nobody picks tan for their car.



They give you tan.



Is that mine? "Yeah, it's yours,
fucking loser. Made it tan."



They shouldn't even make tan cars.
It's mean to make them.



You look over, you see a guy in a tan car
with dents all over it



and a garbage bag for a window.



What is holding up his suicide?



What is delaying it?



What is keeping him
from stopping being that?



And what would it take?



What would it take?



What would it take?



Both windows are garbage bags? Is that...?



Seriously, do you know how much misery
is involved in a garbage bag for a window?



Do you know how many separate moments
of shit misery?



"They canceled my insurance.
I broke my window.



Duct tape."



Here's the truth. Running away will not
solve your problems. That's totally true.



But killing yourself solves
all your problems.



It actually does.



It even solves world's problems.



For you.



Hey, what about ISIS?



"Kill yourself.



Then they'll never get you."



Seriously,
if everybody who's afraid of ISIS



kills themselves right now,



then ISIS loses.



Because they live in a world of people
that don't give a shit.



We're gonna cut his head off!



Yeah, okay.



It's not fun now.



I think the worst part
of being beheaded...



If...



The worst thing about being beheaded
is that you look really dumb right after.



That's the worst part.



They go like that, and you're like:
Duh.



Just that fucking dopey...



I don't think they like beheading
bald people 'cause they can't do this...



That's the best part.



They got to go like this.



It's not as cool.



So, just shave the top of your head,
and you won't have to worry about it.



So, that's the first reason.



That's the first reason I think
women should be allowed to kill babies.



'Cause life is not so important.



The second reason
is because that's their job.



Women have to decide who lives and dies.



That's because they're the female
of the species.



In the reproductive arena,
that's what the female does.



They are the selectors.
They have to decide this.



We give them this responsibility
when we fuck them.



We go, "Here, you decide
what to do with this shit."



See you later.



She has to figure out
if you should have kids,



if she should have them. That's her job.
Because women have judgment.



They have judgment.
Men don't have judgment.



Men have intent.



Men just want to spray the world
with their cum, just mist.



"More of me.



More of me."



It's her job to go,
"That's enough of you, I think.



No, that's really enough."



I don't think that face needs to repeat.



I've seen your father,
and it's not getting better.



She doesn't realize this
until after you fuck her.



That's actually when she really knows,
is when you're like, "Yeah!"



And she's like, "I'm not having
this piece of shit's baby."



And that's why abortion is the last line
of defense



against shitty people in the species.



So, we need them
to abort every shitty baby.



I mean, all animals do this.
Animals do it late.



They have the baby.



Then they're like, "You know what?
It's cold. I'm gonna eat this one."



"But when is it okay?
When should they be allowed?"



When it's in their pussy.
That whole time.



It's in her pussy.



If there's a dude in your pussy,
you get to kill him.



I think that's pretty fundamental.



You're allowed to kill people
if they're in your house.



So... that's what I think.



I have two kids.



I try to be a better person
around my kids.



I try to change my behavior around them.



Like, I have rules in my house,
they all apply to me.



Like, I have a rule
that I don't curse around my kids.



That's a rule. It does happen.



You have a stressful moment,
and you're with your kids,



so, you say something by mistake.



One time I was making dinner for my kids,
and I gave my daughter a bowl of soup.



And I said, "Here's your fucking soup."



But, uh...



You can see
how that was a tough... situation.



You're supposed to teach your kids right
from wrong. I don't know, it's confusing.



Some people raise their kids religiously
and that covers it.



They kind of go, all this. Do that.



I'm not raising my kids religiously
because I don't feel like it.



Get up on a Sunday? Fuck that.



Fuck that.



Let your souls rot, kids. I don't care.
I'm not getting...



Daddy, who's Jesus?
None of your business. Go back to bed.



But my kids, they're living in the world.



There's a lot of religion in the world.
You have to teach your kids.



If you're not raising them religiously,
you teach them about religion.



I tell my kids the same thing.



I tell them that there are many religions
in the world, and they're all equal.



But the Christians are the main one.



That's what I tell them.



The Christians won.



They're the winners.



So, act accordingly.



Congratulate Christians
when you meet them.



Because they won the world.



And it's true. It's true.



We love to tell ourselves, like,
Every religion is exactly...



No. No, they're not.



The Christians won everything.



A long time ago.



If you don't believe me, let me ask you
a question. What year is it?



I mean, come on.



What year is it according
to the entire human race?



And why?



What year is it? Anybody?
Sir, just yell out the year.



Thank you. ... ?



No, it's ... That's right.



It's . What is that?



That's a number.



It's not just any number.



It must be a very important number.



'Cause we're counting to it
in unison as a species.



For thousands of years, we've been going:



"One, two, three...



Come on, everybody, four... "



Now, come on, Africa, five, six..."



What is this number?



We're counting the days since what?



Since there was ever people?



Or since the sun did something?



Not at all.



It's been years since what?
Anybody, yell it out.



Christ!



Yes. Christ!



Christ!



That's right.



It's been years since Christ!



Jesus.



We are counting the days since Jesus.



Together.



Which makes sense if you're Christian.



But what the fuck
are the rest of us doing?



"Jesus was here. Jesus was here.
Jesus was here."



Everybody. Scientists, historians.



"Jesus.



Jesus."



"Jesus plus two, Jesus plus three,
Jesus plus four."



Jesus plus years,
four months and three days



is when your license expires.



How is that not a win for the Christians?



How is that not a complete win?



That's not a Monday off in October.



That's, "There was no time before Jesus."



And the whole world went, "Okay.



Sure."



Then somebody was like,
"What about the years before him?



There were billions. I mean, infinity."



Those go backwards.



"You want us to measure most
of history backwards?



To accommodate one religion?"



Uh-huh.



"All right, we'll do it, it's fine.
We'll do it."



The whole world. You ever watch
New Year's Eve around the world?



They always show you how every country
celebrates. It's kind of cool.



The first is one little island.



It's the first place that's actually
the place that it's the year.



It's a little island in the Pacific.
I forget.



They do a little ceremony
for New Year's Eve every year.



And they just wear grass.



'Cause they don't even have sticks yet.
They're in the grass age.



They have no clocks.



But they do a dance.



.



And it goes around the world,
Oh, the .



Death to all Christians in .



The Jews are quietly keeping track.



It's really ,.



But that's for us. We're just...



That's okay.



We're keeping track for when you
snap out of it. It's all right. I'll...



I'll write yours on my check.
I don't want a problem.



What about Chinese New Year?



Yeah, what about Chinese New Year?



All right,
next time you're doing your taxes,



just write "monkey" where the year goes.



Just put monkey.



See what happens to your funds.



No. It's , year of our Lord...



Jesus o'clock on the nose.



And they made it up,
that's the weirdest part.



They got to rename years
that had already taken place.



'Cause, you know,
that's not what those years were.



You know that, right?
That the year three...



wasn't the year three...



during the year three.



Nobody was walking around back then,
Hey, what year is it? "It's three."



"Yeah, but I'm .



How can I be ...



if there's only been three?"



"Oh, well, see, you were born in BC .



And there's a zero.
Remember it went backwards?



Oh, shit. That was stressful.
I hated those years."



What was that like?



What year is it? "Ten."



What year is it now? "Nine."



What the fuck is gonna happen?!



So, I don't know what to tell my kids.



My kids, they wanted a dog.
So, I got them a dog.



I got them a dog, which was a mistake.
I shouldn't have gotten the dog.



Because we rescued a dog.



#NAME?
- Whoo!



Yes, you must re... yes, always rescue.



If you get a dog, get a rescue dog.



Don't get a puppy...



from those horrible people
who professionally raise dogs carefully.



No.



You need to just get a mystery dog...



that's been beaten and abused



and traumatized
on the streets of Puerto Rico.



And can't talk about it to anyone now.



They never know.



Do you know anything about the dog?
"Uh, she's afraid of pennies.



So, we think maybe somebody's been
throwing handfuls of pennies at her face.



But, otherwise, no."



So, you take this random dog



and just put it in your house
with your family,



and watch their personality unfold.



This dog is insane.



I'll walk into the kitchen, and the dog
is just standing there alone like this...



I'm like, "You all right?



Are you all right?"



My kids are terrified of the dog.



My daughter goes to pet the dog,
dog goes like...



She's like, "Should I pet her?" "I don't
think you should ever pet our dog, honey."



I took her to the vet.
I took the dog to ask her what to do.



The vet said,
"Listen, I think there's something



you should seriously consider."



I was like,
"Please be saying to kill this dog.



Please be a doctor
that says the dog dies now."



But she didn't. She said...



She said, "I think you should consider
Prozac... for the dog."



I was like, "Really?"



She said, "Yeah, it works.
It calms the dog right down.



But it's a big decision,
and you should think about it."



I said,
"Put four in her asshole right now.



What do I have to think about?



I don't give a shit
what she's experiencing.



Fucking fix it.



Give her heroin. Shoot her up."



Come on, puppy.



Wow, your dog is really chill.



"Yeah.



It only costs $ a day
to keep her like that."



I didn't always feel this way.
I used to love animals.



I used to worry about animals.



Just animals.



When I was like ,
"Are all the doggies okay everywhere?



I certainly hope so."



But I'm , and I got two kids now.



You know what happens?
Your circle of concern tightens.



I have four nephews.
I don't love any of them.



Fuck a dog.



You know those ads, like the PSA
on television about abused animals?



They show you a dog with, like,
an empty socket, and he's like...



And they're always wet.



I feel like they hose them down
before they film them.



And the voice comes on,
"Look at these dogs.



These dogs are beaten every day.



Please send us money
so that this can stop."



Are you beating up the dogs?



How's my money fixing that?



You see that PSA
where they show you a sad man?



He's very upset, a very sad man.



He's holding a little sign,
and it says, "Yeah, sure."



And he says, "This is the text
that killed my daughter."



'Cause somebody texted, "Yeah, sure,"
and ran over his kid, which is awful.



Although maybe they were responding
to a text



that said,
Can you please kill that kid?



And so, they just...



wrote back and did it.



I'm not saying that makes it better.



I'm just saying
we don't have all the information.



My kids and I were having breakfast
the other day,



and we're listening to NPR.



We always listen to NPR,
because we're better than you.



And...



We're listening to NPR
at breakfast the other morning.



There was this story
where they kept using this phrase.



They kept saying, "/ deniers."



They kept saying that.



/ deniers.



And my daughter was like, "What is that?"



I said, "Well, it's a group of people that
think September th was a conspiracy."



And she said, "Oh, I thought
they were saying nine -deniers."



Yeah, she thought they meant nine people
who just ain't buying this bullshit.



Just a small fringe group, really.
There's only nine of them.



But they still got on NPR.



They got on the radio
because... they're dedicated.



They protest every day.



They're the nine -deniers.



They're outside of the White House,
"It goes, , , !



Me and my eight friends know it!



We are the nine -deniers.



We know that is a bullshit number...



propagated on the people by the man.



Why do we have ?



When we have ,



and and ...



and , ,



motherfucking , and ,



but we do not have a one-teen.



What happened to one-teen?



The government took one-teen,



and replaced it
with some bullshit called .



We are the nine that deny that shit.



Mr. President, give us back one-teen!"



I don't mean to offend
any Chinese people with this stereotype.



But...



"That's right, I'm Chinese, motherfuckers.



I'm from Beijing.



I lived in Shanghai.



I'm Chinese-er than a motherfucker.



Chopsticks and whatnot."



Ha! All right.



I'm sorry.



Here's the thing...



stereotypes are harmful.



That's the truth.
But the voices are funny.



And I don't know how
to reconcile those two facts.



I enjoy doing the voices.



But they're offensive.
So, I do them at home.



I used to do them for my kids.



They liked them,
didn't know it was a race thing.



They enjoyed it. "Do the friendly man."



"You want me
to be the friendly man, little girl?"



We love the friendly man.



"He loves little white girls.



Let's have some scrambled eggs."



They grew up, and I was like,



"Don't talk about the friendly man
at school.



Maybe don't talk to your teachers
about that."



My kids go to public school
in New York City.



Yeah, all right.



Send your kids there then.



Yeah, it's good. It's good.



To teach them
that that's what life is like.



The teachers amaze me because...
I don't know, the worst...



Here's the worst thing about this country,
is that there's no more noble profession



than to be a public school teacher.



Please. Please, don't.



You're not gonna like it.



You're not gonna like where it's going.



I don't recommend clapping at any things.



You'll regret it at the end of the thing.



In a democracy, there's no more
noble contribution you can make



than to teach in a public school.



In this country, the people that do that,
they're fucking losers.



They're just rock-bottom fucking losers!



And everybody knows it,
but they keep doing it.



New people are teaching every day,
knowing how shitty it is.



They show up, tell them ahead of time.



Hi, what is this job?



And they say,
"Okay, here's what we need you to do.



We need you to make children know math."



Wow.



Do they wanna know math?
"No, they don't want to know it.



You need to make them know it
against their will.



While they're exploding sexually
and beating the shit out of each other."



Who are these children?



"Just whatever kids live
near the building."



Heh. "How much do I get paid?"
About $ every four years.



What if I get good at it? What happens?



"Nothing. Nothing happens.



Nobody notices, and you get fired,
and you die alone."



Okay, I'll try it for years.



My daughter is learning
about Greek mythology.



And she's asking me questions about it.



She's like,
Daddy, who's Achilles' mother?



I said, "I don't fucking know.
Don't ask me that shit.



I don't know who Achilles' mother."
Don't yell out if you know.



It's Campampetes.
Nobody cares what you know.



She had a question about Achilles,
it was interesting.



I'll tell it to you. But first,
the story of Achilles real quick.



Achilles was a baby.



He was a Greek baby.



And... he didn't stay that way.



But when he was... a Greek baby,



his mother, who was a goddess,
took him to the River Styx,



which is at Hades, the land of the dead.



And she dipped him in the water
of the River Styx



because there was a magical quality
to that water



that you would make you impervious
of any harm.



You couldn't be hurt.



It was like a shield, right?



So, she dipped him in that water
to protect him.



But she held him by the heel.



That's the important detail.



Held him by the heel,
which is an awkward way to hold a baby.



By the heel.



Try holding a baby by the heel
and dipping it in a river.



You will never see that baby again.



That's how to get rid of a baby.



"I lost the baby in the water.



I was trying to wash him,
and he fell in the river.



I'm sorry, Miss Achilles,
I lost your baby.



You told me to hold him by the heel.



He slipped."



Because Achilles' mother
has a Mexican nanny.



It's a lesser-known character
in The Iliad.



Anyway...



his mother, she was able to hold on,
of course, because she was a goddess.



She was the goddess of grip or whatever,
I don't know.



And she held on.



And then he was protected,
except on his heel.



His heel was not protected.



And so that's what we call
your Achilles heel,



your one vulnerable place.



Everybody's got their Achilles heel.



Achilles' Achilles heel was his heel.



Like, literally.



Anyway, so, my daughter,
here was her question.



She said, "How come his mother
didn't just dip him again?



She could have just dipped him
one more time...



with the other leg in there."



What does she just, like, get...
You're right there.



Was there, like, a sign that says,
One dip per goddess?



You ever color an Easter egg?
It's not that complicated.



You dip it, and then you hold
it differently and dip it again.



Smart kid. I was proud of her.



But at the same time, I thought, "Who
the fuck are you to judge this woman?"



It bothered me.



'Cause here's what the story
of Achilles teaches me,



is that, if you're a parent,



it's never enough what you do
for these motherfuckers.



It's just never enough.



It's still gonna be your fault.



How much more do you want from a mother?



She dipped her kid in magic water
and protected % of his body.



Is any of it up to him?



He could have just wore a big shoe
and be careful.



But he goes out in sandals,
fucking flip flops.



And a sword, and fights the whole planet.



I'm Achilles 'cause my mother dipped me.



Finally, somebody got him in the heel,
and he's like, "Mom!



Thanks a lot, Mom."



What's wrong, Achilles?
"My mom didn't dip my heel.



She's so stupid. She ruined it."



Fuck you, Achilles, you Greek dick.



I hate the way people talk
about their mothers.



I was watching a football game,



and this guy scored a bunch of shit,
whatever, and they were excited.



So, they asked him about it afterwards.



And the football player said,
"My mom died last year,



but I know she was watching my game
from heaven tonight."



And I wanted to be there to say,
"Leave your mother alone.



How dare you.



She's dead."



I mean, when are you done
with your fucking kids?



When are you finished
with your fucking kids?



Even after you're dead, you still have
to go to their fucking games and shit?



Leave your mother alone.



She did her job.
She raised you, and it killed her.



Let her enjoy heaven. Don't you want
your mother to enjoy heaven?



Isn't that what you want?
Your mom to be just in heaven.



Whee! This poor woman. Angels were like,



"We're having a party.
You want to come with us?"



"I can't. I got to watch my son's game.



He'll be very upset.



Okay, go... He can't fucking hear me.
Why am I doing this?"



I just think when people die,
it means they did their jobs.



And you should forget them.



That's what I think.



'Cause it's unfair what we put
on dead people.



Are you watching over me?
Yes, I'm watching all of it.



You know like an old...
When you see an old couple,



they've been married for, like, years?



You know that story?
Everybody loves that.



The people that always get applause based
on the math of their lives.



How long you been married?
Sixty years.



Aw.



Aw.



Isn't that automatically wonderful?



How do you know?



You just know how long it's been.



For years, every morning,
he tells me I'm a piece of shit.



Let's just say
this is a happy couple, okay?



They love each other.
They've been married for years.



That's longer
than most people wanna be alive.



And they've been together that long.



And now they're just an old couple.
And they just walk together.



You know when you see two people...



They don't need anybody else,
just the two of them.



This is both of them. They just walk.



They always walk somewhere,
nobody walks there. There's trash.



There's trucks.



He's wearing a suit that is not a color.



She's wearing a dress that's like
a triangle, like a kid drew it.



It's just, fucking,
a dress with fruit on it.



Nobody cares.



And they just walk every day.



It's cold.



Yeah, it's cold.



You want to go to the store
and get a cracker?



Yeah, let's get a cracker
at the store.



Yeah.



And then one day, usually he dies first.



They're walking, and he goes...



And she says, "Richard!"



Richard!



And he dies.



So, now it's just her.



Just Rose.



And she's alone.



And now she just stands in their house.



Somebody goes to get Rose
'cause there's a wedding.



"Come on, Rose. Nadine's getting married.



Nadine...
It doesn't matter, just fucking come on.



Come on. Fucking come on.



Fuck!"



Just want to push her from beh...



She lives ten more years.



Ten years after Richard dies.



And then ten years later,
now she's laying in a bed.



She's dying.



Somebody's there with her, on their phone.



So, Rose is dying, and she says:



"Well, at least now
I get to be with my Richard... forever."



Where did she get that idea?



Where did that come from?



I've looked it up.



No religion teaches



that when you die, you get to ruin heaven
for your dead spouse.



Why is that fair?



Who gets...



Richard's been dead for ten years.



He's been in heaven for ten years.



And somebody comes up to him,
Hey, your wife is coming.



"What?



Excuse me. What did you just walk up
and say to me just now?"



"Yeah, Rose just died.
She'll be here in about minutes.



They've just got to hose her down
and tape the wings on.



And then you're gonna be together
forever."



"Wait a minute. Fuck.



You said this was heaven. Why is this...



I have a girlfriend here now.
I don't wanna fucking... "



She's the love of your life. "She's not
the love of my death, motherfucker."



That's marriage. Marriage is a big deal.



Marriage is a big deal.



I went to a wedding the other day.
I went to a gay wedding.



I've been to a lot of gay weddings,
which is not true.



It's not true at all.
But... I did go to one.



But I don't go to weddings, generally,



because I don't like them. I hate it.



Don't invite me. Really. I think it's rude
to invite people to your wedding. I do.



Nobody's happy to get that shit.



You make it all pretty.



And they're like, "Aw, fuck!
This is gonna suck!"



"Here's a helpful list of places
to stay... "



"Oh, great.
I get to live in a La Quinta...



in Reading, Pennsylvania



for three days...



because you want to get married
for a couple of years."



Nobody wants to watch you
start your shitty thing.



Nobody wants to see it.



Everybody's in a shitty thing.
That's what it is to be with somebody.



You're either alone,
or you're in a shitty thing.



That covers % of human beings.



I can see there's young couples here.
You're like, "No, we're in a good one...



It's really good."



"Yeah, fuck you.
Who do you think you are?



It just didn't get shitty yet.



So arrogant."
Yeah, I think we figured it out.



No... Yeah, you're the first ones.



Of course it's going to get shitty.
That's part of it.



It's like going to a horror movie,



and in the first minute, you're like,
I think they're all gonna be fine.



No, they're all gonna die.



And you're gonna hate the person
you love right now.



That's the way it works.
Love plus time minus distance equals hate.



That's just the way it goes.



I'm not saying don't do it.
You should do it.



It's the best thing.
It's the best part of life, love is.



But don't be greedy and expect it to last.



Don't be amazed that a butterfly died
'cause you shot it in the face.



Just fall in love, make a fucking mess.



It goes shitty,
you don't realize it until too late.



And then you cry a lot and move on.
It's the best part of life.



It is. I've always loved love.



It's always been my favorite part of life
is meeting somebody and going, "Oh, shit!



That person!" That's the best feeling.



Now, why the fuck would that just,
"Oh, yeah!



For years, for our whole lives,
just, aw, yeah!"



That's insane to expect that.



It's a little thing you get to catch.



And then it rots and dies.
That's just the way it goes.



It's like if you see a person in the park
making bubbles with a big wand with soap.



And sometimes they make a really big one,
and everybody goes, "Oh, yeah!



Shit. Okay, that's all."



You don't stand over it, "Liar!"
You don't get mad at the soap stain.



It gets so shitty, man.



It does.



Whoo!



All the little intricate parts.
Like, I was in an e-mail fight recently.



You ever been in an e-mail fight?



Some of you are in an e-mail fight
right now.



You know, an e-mail fight.
Not a text fight.



A text fight is like, "Fuck you." Boop!



Yeah, fuck you. Byew.



Dick. Boop!



Asshole. Byew.



That's a text fight.



An e-mail fight is like, "In June
when I told you that I had this issue,



I was very disappointed
in the way you didn't listen."



You know, those e-mails,
you just work on it all night.



Like it's the closing argument
to a murder case.



It's so important, your fucking e-mail.



You're pounding it out like Beethoven,
and you're pouring water on your head,



and going deaf and still working on it.



And then you send it somebody.



"Can you read this
and tell me if it's fair what I wrote?



Start at the bottom."



And they write back,
I made a few changes.



"Oh, thank you.
That really captures my voice. And yet..."



You send it to somebody else,
they're like:



"I would take out 'Eat shit, fuck face, '
because it clouds your better points."



And you're like,
Fuck you, I'm going to keep it.



And then finally, you send it.



And you're like, "Hmm."



And then you feel really good.
I finally said it. Finally.



And you have this fantasy that they're
at home reading it right now going...



I'm wrong about all of the things.



During the day,
they haven't written back yet,



and you know
it's 'cause you just bewitched them.



And you decide,
"I'm going to read my e-mail.



I'm going to read the e-mail
that I wrote."



Is there any more disgusting
modern human behavior



than reading
your own already sent e-mails?



Is there any more scratching your asshole
and smelling your finger than that?



I do it all the time.



So, that's what I did.
I was in an e-mail fight.



And...



And I looked in the sent folder,
where it's all...



That's it. It's in stone.
You can't change that anymore.



I realized I left something there
by mistake.



I left something at the top of the e-mail
by mistake.



And it said, "This is my latest draft.
What do you think?"



So, now the rest of it is just shit.



It's shit now!



'Cause she knows
I have a writing staff and a focus group.



There should be credits
at the end of this fucking e-mail.



Approved by mother and sister.



I don't know.
Love is worth it, though. It really is.



It's worth it. It is.



I mean, I've always been...
I've always pursued love my whole life.



Even when I was a kid, I loved girls.
I loved them.



And there was all...



When I was , I discovered
that girls are the greatest thing.



I would ask them out. That's what I did.
I walked up and asked them out.



I had no fear.



I'd go up to any girl I liked,
You want to go out with me?



And she was like, "No!"



You weren't supposed to do that.
You weren't supposed to ask her out.



There was a system.



My daughters told me
it still works this way in school.



There's a thing
where the boy asks his friend



to ask her friend to ask her



what she would say...



if he asked her out.



How do children just know this...
Elizabethan parlor thing?



Twelve-year-old boy.



"Please inquire after her maiden friend.



Were I to request her presence...



what might be her answer?"



"Indeed, my lady would enjoy...
your company, sir,



were you to make your desires known."



"That is well.



May I finger her?"



"You are bold, sir.



And finger her, you may."



And finger her, I shall.



Anyway,
I didn't do any of that myself.



I just would just ask them out.



They always said no. Girls said no to me.



Until Rachel.



Rachel was the first girl who said yes.



I asked her to the dance
in eighth grade, and she said yes.



Happiest moment of my life, even to now.



I never beat it.



Anyway, Rachel said,
Yes, I'll go to the dance with you.



So, we went to the dance.



I was .
It was my first time with a girl.



About five minutes into the dance,
she comes to me and she says,



Do you mind if I dance with Jeff?



I was like, "Okay."



'Cause what other moves did I have...
at ?



What else are you gonna say?
Do you mind if I dance with Jeff?



"Yeah, I do. I mind very much.



What the fuck do you think this is,
Rachel?



You know what? Get your shit.
We're leaving right now.



Shut the fuck up, Rachel.
I swear to God."



I didn't have any of those tools.



So, I said, "Okay,"
and she danced with Jeff.



And made out with Jeff and left with Jeff.



That was it.



And I learned...



That guy Jeff... this is a true story.



That guy Jeff, he's a woman now.



That's what happened.



It's true.



I was looking up on Facebook people
from my past, and he's a woman.



And she has a whole blog on Facebook
about becoming a woman.



I was up all night reading it.
I was crying. It was amazing.



I was like, "This is incredible."



And then at the end,
there's a picture of her with hair.



And she says, "I didn't change.
I knew what I was all along.



I knew I was a girl
since I was years old."



And I read that, and I thought,
"Why did you take my fucking date then?



You knew? You piece of shit!
Fuck you, Jeff!



Fuck you and your journey.
I don't give a shit now.



Hooray for transgender, but fuck you,
because you're just an asshole.



Who became a cunt. That's what happened."



I envy transgender people, though. I do.



It's a tough road,
but I envy them on this level



that they figured out what's going on
with them, and they fixed it.



What an amazing gift,
to know what the fuck is wrong with you.



Who else gets to have that?



It's just a mushy,
I don't fucking have any idea!



I would give a million dollars
to just wake up,



"Oh, I'm an owl.
That's what the thing is.



I've just got to blink slow
and eat a mouse."



'Cause life is very confusing.



Even I'm years old, and I haven't found
a cruising altitude to my identity.



I'm still fucking confused.



I get new feelings, and they upset me.
I don't like new feelings.



I want to know what I like and get it
and just die.



That's what I want to do at this point.



Like I have a weird relationship
with this movie that's on cable sometimes.



It's called Magic Mike.
You ever seen this movie? Magic Mike.



For those of you who are watching this
on video many years from now,



Magic Mike was a movie
about male strippers



starring Matthew McConaughey
and Channing Tatum.



Whoo!



It was a very different country
when it was made



from whenever you're watching.



But anyway...



We had a whole other thing going on.



This building's not here anymore.



But...



You're watching it on a dusty thing,
and it's all rubble.



And you're watching this.



I don't know why you're watching this
out of everything.



But when things were real easy,
we made movies like Magic Mike.



It's just a nice movie
about men who strip.



And every time I'm flipping around
and it comes on, I always stop.



And then I play a little game of chicken
with this movie.



I stop because it's a good movie.
It's well made,



directed by Steven Soderbergh,
good director.



And so I get into it, I get into
the story, and then they start stripping.



And then I start having
all these feelings.



My face gets a little hot.



At first, I just get hostile
for no reason.



I just... fucking... fucking...



But then there's one part of the movie
that I like.



I have a favorite part... of Magic Mike,
so, I always stick around for that part.



It's the part where Matthew McConaughey,
he's wearing leather pants, no shirt.



And he goes,



"The law says you cannot touch.



But I think I see a lot
of lawbreakers out there."



Like, just that...



It's, like, perfect.



Just the way it rolls out of him.



"I think I see a lot
of lawbreakers out there."



I just really like that.



I like it.



When the movie comes on, I'm always like,
Let's get to where he says that.



And then he says it, and I'm like,
Fucking good, that's really good.



I like it a lot.



Here's how much I like it.
I don't do impressions,



and I kind of nail that one
because I think about it all the time.



I'm walking around my house, like,



"The law says you can't touch.



The law says you can't touch."



Then I go up to my dog,



"But I think
I see a lot of lawbreakers right here."



I like that part.



After he says it,
all these strippers come in.



Matthew McConaughey
and all these strippers.



Channing Tatum comes out, fucking...



And then I go, like, "Fuck!"
And then I have to stop.



I'm starting to get a feeling.



I'm starting to get, like, a feeling.
It's not a boner.



It's not a boner.



But I can feel my dick starting
to turn over a little bit.



Just starting to...



You know when you can feel
your dick kind of unfold?



It's like a pool toy
that's been blowing up for a while.



The wrinkles are starting
to come out. It's taking shape.



Just that early...



My dick's just waking up.



What are you guys doing here?



I've never watched the whole movie.



I've never seen Magic Mike
in its entirety.



Because I don't wanna see it.
I don't wanna see the end of Magic Mike.



I know what the end of Magic Mike is.



I'm pretty sure that the end of Magic Mike
is that I'm gay.



I'm pretty sure that's how it ends.



I don't want to see the ending.
I want to stay like this.



You know why? 'Cause I'm years old.



I don't want to enter
the gay community now.



This is not the version of me
that's gonna have an awesome time



as the new gay guy.



So, fuck that.



And that's my right, by the way.
Because that's about me.



That is my life.



I'd never discriminate
against another person for being gay.



I wouldn't dream of it.
But I have every right to oppress



and discriminate against
my own possible budding homosexuality.



That's mine to just violently push down.



Like it's a dude
I'm trying to make blow me right now.



And you know, I haven't become, like,
generally attracted to men.



I'm not sexually attracted to men.



Just Matthew McConaughey
and Channing Tatum.



Those two guys? Fuck.



Fuck, seriously.



Matthew, with his, like, leathery skin.



He's like, "Hey..."



Just...



Fucking sexy.



And Channing, kind of dumb face, like...



Like, oh, shit!



Fuck. I like it.



But men, in general, I'm not into it.
You know what I think it is?



I'm only gay for the best.



I'm top-shelf gay.



I'm not retail gay, you know what I mean?
I'm not off-the-rack gay.



I'm not gonna go to JC Penney's
and suck a bunch of dicks.



I'm going to go to Neiman Marcus
and get the signature collection.



Platinum dick.



The best.



The best dick.



'Cause I'll try the best anything.



If it's the best one, I'll try it.



Like, I don't like cognac.



I would never buy a bottle of Hennessy
and keep it in my house.



But I've never tried the best cognac.



If somebody was like,
"Would you like to try this cognac? It's...



This cognac was years old
years ago."



Like, "Yeah. Fucking give me that."



If somebody asked me
to go to a Kenyan restaurant,



I don't want to go to a Kenyan restaurant.
I know all the foods that I like.



If somebody was like,
"This is the best Kenyan restaurant.



It takes six months to get a reservation.



I can get you in.



They fly live turtles in.



And you eat it, you bite off
its screaming face while it's alive.



And every turtle you eat is the last
of his species."



I can't wait to eat that fucking turtle.



I'm going to end his people with my mouth.



The best, I'll try it.



If somebody was like,
"We have a guy here, he has the best dick.



The best dick ever.



His dick has been soaking in olive oil
since he was five years old.



We've been feeding him nothing
but butter and penises his whole life.



He has the best dick,
and you can suck it right now."



"Well, let me see it.



Can I see it?



Can you take it out?



Oh, shit. That's beautiful. Oh, my God.



That's my favorite thing now.
Fuck, I shouldn't have looked at it.



Bring it closer. I don't know what I'm
gonna do, but bring it closer, please."



I think, at that point,
you put it in your mouth, right?



If you're looking at the best dick ever,



and you're not sure... you wanna suck it,
just put it in your mouth.



And then decide.
Just for like seconds.



Whoo!



That's a long time.
That's seconds.



That's a long time
to have a dick in your mouth...



that you're ambivalent about.



It's sec...



If you have a dick in your mouth
for seconds, you are not deciding.



Twenty seconds.



This is... I'll show you. This is
seconds with a dick in your mouth.



No.



No.



Yeah, I decided not to suck that dick...



that's been in my mouth all day.



I don't like dicks.
That's why I'm not gay.



That really is the reason. I hate dicks.
Penises are very disgusting to me.



To me. I don't want to yuck your yum.
I just think they're gross.



I always hated penises.



I hated my father's penis. I did.



I did. I hated my father's penis.



When you're a little boy,
you're gonna see your dad's dick.



If you go to a restaurant,
you're probably gonna see your dad's dick.



I should explain that, right?



That sounds like I have a weird father.



"All right, we're going out to eat.
Everybody take a look."



No, sometimes if you go
to a restaurant with your family,



when it's time to pee, you go pee
with your dad if you're a little boy.



If you go to a ballgame with your dad,
there was...



There were never urinals.
It was just a trough.



And the little boys and the men
stand there together.



And the men are just standing there...



And we're down here, the little boys.



And the dicks are eye-level.



Just horrible, pissing dicks.



In both directions,
like a chorus line, just...



And my dad had the worst dick.



He had the worst.



'Cause my dad...
First of all, my father's Mexican.



It's true. My father is Mexican. I'm not.



I'm not Mexican. My father is.



Just 'cause some Mexican fucked my mom
for years... doesn't make me a Mexican.



It just makes her a whore.



But, anyway... my dad...



My father had a Mexican, Catholic,



uncut, raw, organic...



local, fucking free-range Mexican dick.



It was just so basic.



It was like a farmer's market yam,
just sticking out like a tamarindo pod.



And the pee would spray out of it.



I'm like, "Dad, open your dick
before you pee out of it."



It's like you're pissing out
of the corner of a pillowcase.



And my dad's life is...
My dad's had a weird life.



Too.



When I was ten years old, my parents got
divorced, and my dad turned into a Jew.



I mean, he converted...



to Judaism. He didn't turn into a Jew.



It's not like my dad was like...



He...



converted... to Judaism.



And I had friends who were Jewish.



And I knew that they had little
clipped dicks, little... little neat...



And then I remembered
my father's alligator claw of a penis.



I really hate penises.



That's really my problem with being gay.
That's why I'm not gay. Men are fine.



I'd like to have a boyfriend,
that would be nice.



I would. Every time I hear somebody say
my boyfriend,



I'm always like, "I want a boyfriend."



Why can't I have a boyfriend?



I'd like to have a big, tall boyfriend.



That's my boyfriend.



I'm mad at my boyfriend.



I get to wear his jacket.
It's all big on me.



I'm like, "This is my boyfriend's jacket.



I feel safe."



I know I would like it.



I would like to have a big dude
in my life.



Comes up behind me like this.
I'm like, "Hi."



Like, I know that would be nice.



But in order to get all those parts,



you have to have a fucking cock
shoved up your asshole.



Like a hard dick ramming in your...



Ow!



"Oh, fuck.



Oh.



I just wanted to wear your jacket."



Thanks a lot, you guys. You were great.



Thank you very, very much.



d In the days of my youth
I was told what it means to be a man d



d Now I've reached that age d



d I've tried to do all those things
The best I can d



d No matter how I try
I find my way to the same old jam d



d Good times, bad times
You know I've had my share d



d When my woman left home
For a brown-eyed man d



d Well, I still don't seem to... d


One of my hobbies
is I collect dust.



Are you from this country?



I go around town
slashing tire prices.



Do you get that?



Do you know that Christmas song
Do You Hear What I Hear?



Do you?



You stopped laughing.



You stopped laughing, sir.



You got the idea,
there are no jokes.



There's a kind of hush
all over this room.



I'm addicted to
prescription glasses.



And "/" wants to do
my life story.



It gets wor-
A four-year-old wrote this.



Thank you.



No, I'm not leaving yet,
hold on.



This is my stepladder.



I never knew my real ladder.



I heard great things
about my real ladder,



that he supported three people
at one time.



Last I heard, he's one-



I fucked that up, too.



The last I heard, he was in
a -step program.



It really didn't matter.



Oh, thank you.



Anyway, I've had a lovely-



That's it for me, thank you very
much, thank you very much.



Anyway, with that,
I'm gonna bring up the man.



Do you know the man?



Mister who?



Mr. Louie-who, what?



Mr. Louis Prima? No.
Mr. Louis Armstrong? No.



Mr. Louis C.K.!



Here he is.



Thank you.



Oh.



Oh, my God, you guys.



Oh, my God, thank you.



This-
You guys...



You guys are great, thank you.



This is what I talk like now,
just so you know.



I'm gonna do
the whole show like this.



A really-a very offensive
stereotype...



...of a Mexican.



This is...



This is a Mexican at the border.



Just let me in!



Jesus!



He won't let me-



You guys are dicks
in there, anyways!



Fuck you, America!



Was that too high up,
do you think?



That's why I like-
I always like to stand



just a little bit wrong,
you know?



Just for my own entertainment,
instead of standing like this,



just put it a little bit up
here, just so people are like-



I don't know why
that bothers me.



Especially if I'm somewhere
I don't like being, like CVS.



You know, I hate CVS.



But sometimes
you gotta go in there.



That should be
their slogan, CVS.



Sometimes
you gotta come in here."



Where else you gonna get
your wart Band-Aids



and that stuff
for your dry vaginer?



Dry vaginer.



I used to think
it was called a "vaginer."



I did, because I grew up
in Boston and the-



I don't know
if you are familiar with-



People call it
the Boston accent.



It's not an accent.



It's a whole city of people
saying most words wrong.



It's just a stupidity
in a massive region.



Because my teachers,



they teach you
to talk like that.



My teacher-I had a teacher
named Miss Daugherty,



but she thought
her name was Mrs. Darrity.



She mispronounced her own name.



Mrs. Darrity!



And she'd give us sex-ed-
This was fifth grade.



We had sex ed with Mrs. Darrity,



and she's showing us
the diagram, she's like,



"This is a penis.



And this is a vaginer."



"Now, during intercourse,
the man ejaculates sperm...



... up into the vaginer."



"And then later,



a fucking baby..."



"... comes out of the vaginer.



And sometimes it's 'retahded. '"



This was the 's.



A teacher said "retahded"
in Boston in the 's.



My daughter's retahded.



She used to tell us every day.



"I have a daughter
and she's mentally retahded.



She's and she lives"
in my house.



"She better be fucking retahded.



I'm gonna stick her back up
in my vaginer."



So I thought it was called
a vaginer 'til I was, like, .



And I remember thinking
it was, like-



It's a vaginer, it's a-



Like, a thing
that vagines, you know?



Like, you use it to vagine-



I gotta vagine my driveway.



I don't know.



I just gotta vagine
this new table I just made.



That would make a nice table,
like, you make a new table



and then you take the-
the -grit paper



and you sand it, and then ,



and then you go, "All right,
honey, get up there,"



and she just...



Like, an old-



Like, one of those
Danish tables, or like a...



Ooh.



Nice old Italian table.



"This table is-a very smooth



because, eh, my wife"
have a very juicy pussy



"and she vagine the table
and my family,



we do this
for generations, we vagine."



All right.



So I'm now, and, uh...



Yeah, I know, that's about
what it's worth.



That's what it-
That's what that deserves.



Woo.



Woo.



Woo!



Yeah, doesn't
buy you anything.



, you can vote,
, you can drink,



and , you can just-
Just keep doing whatever.



Just do...



Just keep being out of breath.



One good thing is that
I've let go of any dream



of getting in great shape,
like, it's like a relief.



Just 'cause-
My whole life I've been like,



well, someday, I should
really get in great shape.



Now, I'm like, what?
Why would I do that?



That's not gonna happen.
Just-



To me, the bar,
the level I wanna reach



as far as the shape I'm in,
I just want it to be



so that if you find out
that I died,



you ask "What happened?"



That's all.



I want you to wonder
what happened.



I don't want it to be
like, "Oh, he died?"



Oh, yeah, well, sure.
Sure he did.



Sure he did.



This'd be bigger news to you-



Did you hear
Louie's still alive?



Shit.
Oh, really?



Oh, my God!



Oh, my God, how?



How?



Some things change
when you get older.



Like, I've reallocated some
of the noises that I make.



Like, the noise
I used to make when I come



is now the noise I make
when I pee.



Oh... oh...



Oh...



Ah...



Ahhh...



Take it all, bitch.



Very disrespectful
to my toilet, unfortunately.



Yeah, you like that piss,
don't you?



Bitch!



I'm gonna shit in your mouth,
too, 'cause you ain't nothing



but a shit-eatin',
piss-drinkin' toilet!



Dumb bitch, toilet!



You ain't intelligent.



You ain't even been outside.



You sit there waiting for me
to shit in your face.



Got piss on your lips.



You ain't even special.



I pissed in three toilets today.



You ain't shit.



That's terrible.



That's awful.



But that's how my dad
treated his toilet,



so that's where I learned it.



It's a shame.



So that's the noise
I make when I pee.



And, uh, some of you
might be wondering-



None of you are wondering...



...what noise do I make
when I come.



So this is the noise
I make when I come.



I just go...
It is done!



It's a whole thing with clouds
and lightning and crows.



The circle is complete!



It's kind of intense.



And there's a little witch
with white eyes going,



And a child will be born!



I don't know.



One time I was
having sex with a woman,



it was our first time
having sex.



Also turned out to be
our last time, but I wasn't-



Didn't know that at the-



Anyway, I was getting-
I was gonna come soon,



so I felt like talking
about it, and...



But I didn't know her very well.



So it came out weird,
I said, "Oh, I'm cooming."



She's like, "What did you say?"



'Cause I was back there.
That's why.



That's why
she had to go like this.



"What'd you say?



What was that back there, chief?
What was that?"



'Cause I'm always back there.



That's a-that's a weird thing
to brag about.



I'm always behind her.



Every time.



So they don't see me crying.



It's weird having sex
with a woman from behind



'cause you don't know
what's going on the whole time



and you get kinda paranoid.



The whole time,
she might be like...



I was on the subway in New York.



This isn't another sex story.



This is a traveling story.



Are you ready?



So I'm on the subway
and I'm standing there-



I wasn't holding anything,
I just like to stand like this.



I'm standing there.



I walk around the city
like this.



Hi.



So I'm standing there and
from behind me over here,



I hear this. I hear...



And I was like, whew, okay.



It's a crazy person.



I mean, it's not a big surprise
in New York.



Then I heard it again.



I was like,
all right, I wanna see,



I wanna see the crazy person.
I just wanna take a look.



So I look over and
it's not what I expected.



It wasn't a big homeless guy
with two sets of headphones



that don't work
or anything like that.



It was a...



A young woman,
she looked like she was about



and she's standing there,
she's very, kinda nice-



Properly dressed.



She was very, like,
Michigan-y or something.



Very suburban-y, Michigan-y
kinda thing.



And she's standing there
with her ponytail,



and then all of a sudden,
she starts going like this,



she goes...



La-la la-la-la la-la!"



And I realize, oh,
she's, like, a student,



like, a singing music student,



and she's doing her vocal
exercises on the subway.



You know what?
It wasn't charming or nice.



It was arrogant and rude,



'cause she just had
this look like, it's-



I'm so cool, 'cause I'm studying
music in New York City



and I just do my thing
right on the subway every day.



La-la la-la-la la-la, everybody!



La-la la-la-la la-la,
tired nurse



who just did a -hour shift!



We live in an interesting time,
you know.



'Cause you can be
on an airplane,



you're like one
of passengers.



You're on a flight
, feet in the air,



and in the middle of the flight



if you just decide to do this,
you're sitting in your seat



and you just start going
like this, you go...



Maaah!



Maaah! Mahh!



If you do that and
don't stop doing it,



they will land the plane.



You can will a plane
to the ground



without a weapon or a threat.



You don't even
have to do that much,



you can just sit there and
just start going, "Down!



Down!"



Seriously, if you were
on a plane



and you just didn't
stop saying "down."



"Down!



Down!"



Sir, is there a problem?
"Down!



Down!"



Fighter jets will appear-



I mean, you're going
to the nearest airport.



And then I guess
you're in trouble, but...



What? They can't put you,
like, in prison



because you said
down several times.



They, like, bother you.



"Why'd you do it?
Are you a terrorist?



Why'd you do it?"



"I just-I just didn't want
to be up anymore.



I just didn't like it."



"I mean, I just said the word
of the-where I wanted to be.



You didn't have to do it."



It was just a suggestion,
Jesus Christ."



I was on a plane once and there
was two babies on the plane.



And other people,
it wasn't just...



It wasn't just me
and two babies.



That would be weird.



You get on a plane,
there's just two babies.



Come on, we're leaving soon.



He's the pilot baby.



I'm the other baby.



No, that's all right,
I'm not gonna...



You babies have a good flight,



but I'm gonna find
another way to get there.



Yeah, I don't like the way
this was starting.



Anyway, I was on a plane
and there was these two babies



and they were crying
the whole time,



crying the whole flight,
and that happens a lot.



I don't think they knew each
other, they were just crying.



I've seen this
on so many flights,



I started to wonder, is there
a reason for this?



Is there, like,
an actual reason why babies-



So I looked it up. Turns out,
there's an actual reason



why babies cry on airplanes,
and it's because they're upset



that gay people
are getting married.



Yeah.



They're, like, really upset.



Like, inconsolably upset.



Honey, it's-
The country's changing.



Waah!



And I don't agree with them.



I think if people are in love,
they should get married.



But they can't-
They can't accept that.



'Cause they're just-You know,
they're just being babies.



Babies are selfish.



They are, babies are selfish.



They just, waah!



No baby ever goes, "Waah,
but how you doing, though?"



I have two daughters and both of
them at one time were babies



and I held them
and they cried on planes.



It's happened to me,
I've had a baby on a plane.



If you're ever-
This is how selfish people are.



When you're on a plane and
you hear a baby crying,



you think that's
happening to you.



You're like, "Ugh, this is
gonna ruin my flight!



It's gonna ruin it!"



Well, look at the parent,
'cause that person is holding



a crying baby on a plane,



which means they've been
traveling with a baby all day,



which means they have
a baby, okay?



So their life isn't even good.



They don't like anything.



Their whole life is, ugh, Jesus!



If there's any joy for them,



it's that this is now
bothering other people.



"Yeah, you listen
to this shit now!"



Waah!



I remember one time, my baby
was crying on the plane,



she was really upset,
and this guy,



some businessman on the plane,



'cause businessmen
always think that every flight



is a private plane of theirs



that we're all, like,
piggybacking on.



And this guy has
his fucking newspaper



and he turns around to look
at me and my baby



and he looks right at me.



He doesn't kinda, like,
go like this.



He looks at me like, hmm?



Like, could you?



I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry,
is this bothering you?



Let me just..."



You all just clapped
for a dead baby.



You applauded a dead baby.



I have two children.



Uh, nine and years old.



Both girls.



Uh, they're both gay.



Um...



I'm raising 'em gay.



Most people
raise their kids straight,



I'm just gonna raise mine gay.



Maybe they'll do what
they want later, but, uh,



as long as they're in
my house, they're gay.



I tell 'em every day,
you're gay, honey, good night.



Go to bed.



Brush your gay teeth, gay honey.



Don't forget to be gay.



Having children
is a big responsibility



and I've never really done
very well at it.



I've made a lot of mistakes.



Some of them big, some of them
small, you know?



Like, I'm still a person,
I still am an idiot, you know,



still, like, I-
I got high one night,



I got really high, because
I don't do drugs.



I never do drugs, never.



So that when I do...



...they're way more fun.



To me, that's my best advice
about drugs.



If you want to enjoy drugs,
never do them, never.



Because then when you do,
they're actually fun.



'Cause when drugs
are a part of your life,



they're just another pain
in the ass in your life.



It's just a, ugh, my drugs suck.



I don't want to have
that problem.



I always want to be that person
where it's a new thing,



somebody's like,
hey, you wanna try this?



And I'm like, oh!



I don't know if I should.



This is crazy.



I don't even know
how I'm gonna do it.



I mean, what is this?



Anyway, I got-
My friend had the little vape-



I'm a little worried, honestly,



by the young people
with the vaping



and they just do this
and then they just vape.



And they just stand
on the corner and puff



and look at the fucking thing
and I miss-I miss you.



That's what it is,
I miss you people,



'cause you used
to stand around like this



and I get to go,
"I'd fuck that one,



and that one's okay,"
but now I don't even-



I'm just looking at the top
of people's heads now.



But I didn't realize
how, like, my friend-



I have a younger friend
who vapes



and she told me it's just
to kinda, like, calm her.



She's like, I barely feel it,
you know.



Sometimes it helps me sleep.



So one night, we're hanging out
and I'm like, I'm gonna go home



and go to sleep,
but I mean, I'll just try it,



so I took one little tiny hit.



I was insane,
I was completely insane.



I was in my house, I couldn't
even walk past a window,



I had to go under the windows,



'cause I was afraid of
the inside of my own brain.



So I started texting people,
just being-



Just texting, "I'm so high.
I'm so fucking high.



I'm so high," and I texted,
you know, another friend.



"I'm so high I want to suck
the pot jizz out of my own dick



and get higher."



That's what I wrote.



I'm not bragging, I'm just
telling you that's what I wrote.



And I sent it.



And then later, I looked
at my text and I was, like,



I think I might have sent that
to my -year-old daughter.



I think it's possible.



And I didn't,
but I too easily could've.



We need-Now my kids
are in my phone.



There needs to be
some very reliable firewall



that says, these numbers
are much harder to text,



that you can't just, whoops!



Traumatized her irreversibly!



That you can go, like,
to write to these numbers,



I have to solve the Hellraiser
puzzle and I have to...



There's two guys with the keys
in the opposite room



that turn them
at the same moment



and there's a warning.



"Are you sure you want
to send this picture



of your pubic hair"



to your ex-wife's mother?"



That's how you want
to break the silence



of six years since the divorce.



"This is my pubic hair.



Look at all of my pubic hair."



How have you been?"



I try to be a good dad,
but, you know, like-



life just kinda takes off
and kids start, you know,



they got their own ideas
and they're-



My nine-year-old, she's just
figuring out about lying



and that's a tough thing.



It's hard to roll that one back,



because lying is pretty
amazingly useful in life.



It's like, how do you tell a kid
not to use a thing



that just solves every
possible problem, like magic?



How do you...



'Cause that's why-Kids lie
'cause they're in trouble.



They lie 'cause they're in more
trouble than they can take,



you know?
'Cause kids...



Nine-year-old, when
a nine-year-old lies,



it's not for some weird
Machiavellian, you know...



"Do you know what my teacher
said about you?



It was interesting."



They don't just make shit up.



They lie because
they're in trouble



and it's more than they can-



'Cause trouble
is too much for a kid.



Trouble-For grown-ups,
we can take trouble.



We don't care.
We just go, oh, I'm sorry.



Oh, am I in trouble?



Oh, whoops!



We don't care.



But to a little kid, trouble is
like this horrible...



Did you take the chocolate?



And she did and she doesn't know
how to handle it.



Did you-



Did you take it?



No.



Well, all right, then,
have a nice day.



How do you then tell her,
yeah, don't ever apply



that perfect solution again,
to terrifying things.



Mark Twain once said, "A man
who always tells the truth



doesn't have to remember
what he said."



And that's great.



But Mark Twain also said,
"There once was a big black guy



named Nigger Jim."
So...



I don't know if...



...a hundred percent
of the things he said



were perfectly awesome.



Really, Mark? Nigger Jim,
you're gonna go with?



That's the best you can do,
to name the-



It's got kind of a nice ring
to it, Nigger Jim.



Yeah, well, it's a little
on the nose, isn't it?



Could've called him Black Mike,
I mean, just a little...



Take it down one notch of the...



Thanks for that, Mark.



Anyway.



So, while we're in this area...



Now that I know
you guys are cool.



No, no.



No.



No. Um...



No, no.



But, uh-but, uh...



but... but...



This is a story
that takes place-



I'm gonna tell you this story,
it's kind of a messy story.



It takes place over a lot
of years, 'cause it start-



It started with my friend Mike,
who told me this story.



This happened to him
back in the 's.



He was going home for Christmas
and he lives in Connecticut-



He grew up in Connecticut
in some shitty shit town



in shitty, shitty Connecticut,



and he didn't like going home.



He's one of those people.
He came from a place-



Doesn't like it anymore.
And he goes back-



He doesn't know how
to handle his family, you know,



and he came from a family
of white racists



and he doesn't like going home,
but it's still home,



so he went home
for Christmas one year



and everybody's hanging out
during the day, talking,



having lunch,
and his father and his brother



both work at this factory



and his brother's grousing
about his day at work



and he goes, "Yeah,
and then this fucking nigger



fell asleep at the forklift."



And then my friend Mike heard
that and he went, "Oh, God.



Why am I part of these people?
I hate this."



And he felt bad.



And then that night,
he's in the kitchen



and he's having a warm milk
or whatever and he...



I don't know why that's-



I don't know
why that's funny, but...



What that says about him.



Yeah, 'cause he's a pussy.



No.



He's just sort of having
some time to himself



and his cousin comes downstairs,
who's staying-



And his cousin,
he likes his cousin.



That's the one person
he always felt connected with,



and his cousin's like,
What's wrong, man?



And he says, "Well, jeez,
I come home and I hoped



"that everything would be,
you know, normal,



but then, my brother says,"
uhh, he's at the factory



and this nigger
fell asleep at the forklift."



And his cousin goes,
"Oh, my God,



the nigger fell asleep
at the forklift?"



So this is the first part
of the story, okay?



So Mike tells me that story



about how he's just not listened
to by anybody in his family,



and then later on, I get
a job writing on a TV show



for Cedric the Entertainer.



Great guy, and he had a show
and he hired a writing staff,



half white writers,
half black writers.



So at lunchtime, we talk
about race, it was just a-



We'd have these provocative,
interesting conversations,



trading notes about race,
the white writers



and the black writers,
and I told that story.



I told the whole thing
about the guy,



Uhh, nigger and the forklift,
And then the cousin saying,



"Uhh, the nigger
at the forklift!"



And then one of the writers,
a black writer,



he goes, "There's nothing worse



"than a nigger falling asleep
at the forklift,



making it harder
for the rest of us."



Still, nobody is quite hearing



what my friend
was going through.



And then, about a year later,



I'm hanging out
with my friend Dino.



Dino is Greek.



He has no dog in the race,
he doesn't care either way.



He's Greek. Greeks aren't
white or black, they're just-



He's just got a big nose
and he just stands there.



And I told Dino the whole story,
I told him about the guy,



Uhh, the forklift,
and the guy, "Uhh!"



And then the black writer-



And then Dino says, "How do
you fall asleep at a forklift?"



My oldest daughter is gonna be
next year, that's a big deal.



That's a big deal.
That's-



All the parents ahead of you
always go, like, yeah.



Yeah, wait 'til she...



That's when you...



I'm not afraid
of her teenagehood.



It's gonna be challenging
and difficult



and she'll meet
the challenges, you know.



I'm always proud of my kid.
She's a good kid.



Now, some parents are really
afraid of their daughters.



A lot of dads get scared, like,
I don't know what to do.



I have this friend,
his daughter's ,



he's like, "She's gonna
start having sex!



"I don't know what to do!



She's gonna have sex,
what do I do?"



I'm like, well,
you don't do anything.



You don't have a role
in that at all.



You're her father.
No role.



Not supportive
or advisory, nothing.



"But what if she has a bad
sexual experience?"



Oh, she's gonna have
a number of those.



Oh, yes, she is.



Her whole life
is gonna be just walking



through a blizzard of bad dicks,
just...



Ow!



Dicks, just-



Jesus.
What the fuck?



That was a big one.



Holy fuck, I'm just
trying to get to work.



The little one,
the nine-year-old,



life's a little simpler.



Tap dancing, she takes
tap dancing lessons.



We started her with tap dancing,
because we figure



by the time she grows up,
it'll be the s again,



and, uh, yeah.



She'll have this thing
she can do



that nobody enjoys watching.



Do you know who the audience is
for tap dancing?



The parents of
tap dancing students.



That's all of it.



'Cause we all have
to go to the show



at the end of
the tap dancing semester,



and they have a big theater show



and all the kids get up there,



they all tap dance
in groups of threes.



There's about , kids.



They do about minutes each.



So the show's about
seven months long,



and everybody dies at the end.



But you go because you want
to see your kid tap dance,



'cause that's an amazing thing,



'cause this was a baby,
she was just a baby.



She was just like...



That's it.
And now she's going like this.



It's amazing.



But you gotta watch
all those other kids



that you don't love at all.



And you gotta watch people,
grown-ups do it.



There's grown-up-



Adult students,
and they get up there.



Get off!
Nobody's here to see you!



Nobody!



Your parents are dead,
you're !



Nobody came from work.
Nobody came from work.



I take her every-every
Thursday to tap dancing



and we go up to the school and
she puts on her tap shoes



and she goes in the little room.



I don't go in there, and she
tap dances and I wait outside,



because it's minutes, it's
not enough time to go anywhere.



So I just sit there and listen
to...



And then she comes out.
"I don't-I'm tired of this.



I don't want to go anymore."



Good, don't.
I don't want to bring you.



Quit. Quit.



I don't care.



I don't push my kids
into this shit.



'Cause you gotta do it, too.



I don't wanna do it.



Daddy, I'm tired of soccer.



Soccer is out of our lives
forever,



with those words
from thine mouth.



Soccer is gone.



I don't care-
Don't go to school,



I don't want to get up at :.



Don't do any of this shit,
honey. I don't care.



I have money, just eat
the food in the house.



Stay home and eat.



You and your sister,
don't have kids,



I can cover all of us
and then we all die.



That's my goal.



I want to make enough money
that we can just lock the door



and eat the food.



That's it.



"Daddy, what are we
doing today?"



Go to the food room and pick
something out and go to bed.



That's all
that's required of you.



People-People overthink
this life shit.



People get all knotted up.



"I don't know what to do
with my life.



Like, I don't know, like,"
what I should be, or, like...



"I don't know, it's like...



What should I, like, do?



With my-
With, like, my life?"



Just get food
and put it in the-



Put food in here.
That's it.



Put food in here.



Walk around and look for food.



And anytime you see
any food, put it in here.



Just take it and put it in here.



Later, when you feel pressure,



shit out the shit in there.



That's it.



If anybody tries to stop you
from doing either of those,



murder them.



That's it.



Doesn't have to be
any more complicated.



Do it 'til you're died-
'til you're dead.



'Til you're dead, died, dead.



I don't know how long
I'm gonna live, I have no idea.



You don't really ever get
to find out.



You never get to go,
okay, I'm dead, so, .



You don't ever get
to have that thought.



This is it. You get to go,
This is probably it.



That's your last thought.



"This is probably it
right here."



Yeah, well, we're all
gonna die at some point.



It's true, man.



And you find out at some point-



It's an interesting thing
about human beings,



that we live with the knowledge
that we're gonna die.



I found out when I was seven
that everybody dies.



My grandfather told me.



He said, "Everybody dies!"



I wasn't even talking to him.



I was just trying
to blow out the candles.



And I was seven years old when
I found out that everybody dies.



And I was excited,
not 'cause everybody dies,



but 'cause I knew it.



I was excited 'cause I knew
I was young to know



that everybody dies.



I knew that most of my friends
didn't know and I thought,



I'm gonna tell them.



I want to be the one
that tells everybody.



I especially
wanted to tell Benjy,



this kid across the street
from me.



There was this kid Benjy,
he lived-I didn't-



He wasn't my friend.



I was seven and he was six,
but if I ever came out



in my front yard,
he would come out



and I'd be like, ugh,
here he comes.



Just hated him.



Hated him.
First person I ever hated.



Like, visceral hate.
He was-



To me, he was a piece of shit
cocksucker asshole.



That's what he was to me,



and I didn't even know
any of those words.



I just had that,
like, as a raw feeling



with no way to say it.



I was too young
for the feeling that I had,



and then somebody-
I heard somebody say



"piece of shit cocksucker
asshole, I was like,"



that, yes, thank you.



That's what that-
Yes, that's how-Yes.



Anyway, one day
I was in my front yard



and piece of shit Benjy
comes across.



And he says, "I got a new bike,"
or something like that.



And I was like, uh,
You're gonna die someday.



And he was like,
What? No, I'm not.



I said, "Yes, you are.



"Everybody dies.



You're gonna die"
and your mom's gonna die



"and your daddy's gonna die.



In that order."



He was really upset
and he starts running.



It's still funny to me,



it still makes me laugh,
years later.



I can still see it so clearly
and it still makes me laugh.



Run, Benjy!



You can't run
from this shit, bitch.



It's gonna get you.



I wonder if he's dead.



Anyway.



So he came back with his mom,



his mom is so angry,
and then I was scared.



And his mom came over,
What did you say to him?



And I said, "I just told him
that everybody dies."



And she goes, "Well,
that's not necessarily true."



I was like, "What?"



She says, "Well, some people
die, but not everybody does."



And I was so full of questions.



I was like, what about-



What about Abraham Lincoln and
George Washington, they're dead.



But she said, "Yeah,



"that's 'cause something
happened to them.



George Washington"
didn't take care of himself



"and Lincoln got shot,



but there's a lot of people
alive from those days."



And I was like, really?



What about, like, Bible people?



And she's like, "Yeah, I-
We have to go."



And then she left,
'cause I think she realized,



this is only gonna get worse.



She's not on a good side
of this argument.



And then I went to my mom
and I told her the whole thing,



she's like, don't worry,
that lady's a fucking idiot,



don't listen to her.



My mom said, "Don't worry, baby,
you're definitely going to die."



Mm-hmm.



Mm-hmm.



People from the Bible.



I wonder if people in the Bible



knew they were gonna be
in the Bible.



Like, "You guys, this is totally
gonna be in the Bible.



"This is totally-You guys,



we're gonna get in the Bible,"
everybody.



I gotta get my roots done
so I look good for the Bible."



Yeah, my dog died recently.



I had to tell the kids
that the dog is dead.



That's a tough thing, telling
your kids that the dog died.



You gotta tell 'em
at some point.



You can't just keep going,
What? No, he's-Where'd he go?



Oh, look, there he goes.
I don't know, he's-



That little scamp.
There he goes, go get 'em.



Go get 'em!



Told my kids the dog died
and we dealt with it.



And I was proud of them



how they expressed
their feelings about it.



They cried.
I was proud of them



how they dealt
with their feelings



and what they said about
it and how they processed it



and I realized, this was
a positive thing.



That's how you start thinking
as a parent,



a lot of things you don't think
would be positive really are,



'cause-'cause a dog dying
is an opportunity



to deal with death
with your kids.



It's like a dry run for Grandma.



It is, it is.



Dog dies, you talk about it,
you deal with it.



Later on, you go, so, you know
all that stuff we talked about?



About the dog?



Yeah, so, Grandma now.



Mm-hmm.



All the same stuff.
That's right.



All right, go brush your teeth.



I had a dog when I was a kid



and he hated me,
and it really hurt.



It's a true story,
my dog hated me and I-



I wanted a dog so bad,
I was, like, ten years old,



I used to beg my mother
for a dog



and she just would say,
like, you had one



when you were a baby
and it died, it's fine.



But finally, she said,
you can have a dog



if you keep your room clean
for a month.



And I was so excited, 'cause
I was, like, I'm getting a dog.



I told all my friends,
I'm gonna get a dog.



All I have to do is keep my room
clean for a month.



I lasted about a week
and it just went to shit.



I couldn't do it and then
I tried, like, three, four days,



I couldn't do it.



And I got so depressed.



I was like, I'm ten
and I already know



my life is gonna be shit
'cause I can't do anything.



And finally, my mom
was like, just-



We'll get the dog, you're
bumming everybody out.



So she got us a dog.



And the dog looked at me
and he hated me, on sight.



And I worked hard
to take care of this dog.



I was kind to him and he
still hated me, which hurt.



That's why it hurt.



'Cause he must've just hated,
like, who I am inside.



He-You could tell how he felt,
'cause he was very expressive.



He was a terrier, you know,
so he had eyebrows.



Like, I'd walk in the room
and he'd go, like,



oh, fuck, I can't.



And he would just leave!



I would take him for a walk
and I had to use a leash



and I didn't want
to use a leash.



I wanted to be one of those
cool guys with a dog



that just comes along,
you know one of those guys.



He's always got, like, a suede
jacket with patches in it.



And, like, scratchy hair,
he's like, hey.



And he gets in his old pickup
and he's like, come on, dog.



He goes, like-



You know those guys that can
whistle that cool whistle?



Whatever.



Whew!



And the dog jumps in the back
and they both get laid somewhere



because they're both so cool.



That's what I wanted.



But my dog, we'd go for a walk
and the leash was, like, taut,



like this, it wasn't even like,
yeah, we're friends.



It was like, how far from
this kid can I get my face?



He would be choking himself
the whole-



"I hate you!



I hate you!"



And if I ever, like, slipped
and dropped the leash, he-



He was like, I'm not your dog.
He would just run.



He would run like a slave,
he would just take off.



That's how he ran.
It's an apt description.



That's how he ran.



He didn't run like a deer.
This is how a deer...



He ran like this.



He ran away so many times



and then we'd get a call
from the pound.



Hi, we have your dog.



And you could hear my dog
in the background,



like, "Don't-



"Seriously?



I told you I don't wanna..."



I've never been
a big animal person.



Some animals I hate.



Uh, bats, I think bats
are just disgusting.



I hate bats.



I hate-It's a rat
with leather wings.



You ever seen one and
they, like, look around?



It's like, somebody, you know?



They have a face.



It's disgusting.



I hate bats.



And I'm sure there's
a whole thing of-



Oh, did you know that bats



make all the French toast
in the world, or whatever?



I don't care.



I hate them.



I had a bad bat experience.



This summer, I was, uh-



We rented a house this summer,



I got a house for me
and the kids.



My ex wife and I-
We share custody of the kids,



and so this summer, I had half-



One month they go with her,
one month with me,



so I got a nice house
in the country



and it was beautiful,
the kids loved it,



but the kids go to sleep
at, you know, : at night.



So I'm just laying awake,
terrified.



Terrified.



I'm so scared in the country,



'cause it's just quiet
and it's just mystery.



And trees and darkness.



I live in New York City,
I feel perfectly safe there.



I'm surrounded by murderers
and child molesters and Jews.



Sorry.



I mean, there are,
there are a lot.



There's a bunch of those, but...



So...



So one night, I'm in the country
house and I'm just laying-



just laying awake, just begging
for the fucking sun to come up



so I can sleep through my days
with the kids.



And I'm laying awake and I'm-



My bedroom's
above the kitchen and I-



Suddenly I hear this-



I swear to God, I heard
this sound, I heard...



I heard that,
like, clear as a bell.



And immediately,
my heart is pounding.



I'm like, I'm going to have
a heart attack right now,



because there is a witch
in the kitchen.



First of all, there are witches.



I have no doubt, in that moment,
there's witches.



That's how easy it was
to flip me over.



There are witches.



And there's one in the kitchen,
and I gotta go down there.



I gotta-I can't just, eh,
she'll get-



They like kids,
she'll get the kids.



So I go downstairs,
I'm terr-Terrified.



And I'm standing
outside the kitchen door



like this, for like, an hour.



Too scared to go in, until
a little bit of logic seeped in



and told me, even if
there is a witch in there,



she wouldn't just make a noise



and then just stand there
for, like, an hour.



So I go in, there's
nobody in the kitchen.



And then I hear the noise again,
and it was the dishwasher.



The dishwasher has weird tubes



and when the soap goes
through 'em, it's kind of vocal,



I don't know why, but it goes...



It was the weirdest thing,
to watch my dishwasher do it.



I was like, all right,
it's cool.



I'm fine, there's no witches.



I'm about to go upstairs,
and a-



And a bat, a fucking asshole bat



picked that moment-
He's like, ha ha!



And he just flew right-
right by my head, like this,



and I just-I went, "Aaah!"



And I just fell on the floor.



Aaah!



And I immediately,
I crawl into the closet,



I closed the door and
I called right away.



I don't know if you've
ever called



and you don't realize
until they answer



how you shouldn't be
calling ?



, tell us your emergency.



"I-I'm sorry, I'm very sorry
to be bothering you.



This doesn't qualify."



The lady's like,
Sir, what's the problem?



I said, "There's a bat
in my house.



And I don't like it."



But she was nice to me,
'cause it's country .



If you call
in New York City,



there's a bat in my house!



They'll be like, "Sir,
we'll send a car right over



to shoot you in the face."



But she was nice, she's like,
"Sir, we understand,



you're divorced,"
you're overcompensating



"with the country house.



You're in over your head."



She said, call this guy,
she gave me a number,



she said, call this guy, he's
a guy who takes care of bats.



He's a man who's, uh-
bats are his focus.



I felt like she was doing a lot
of work to not say "bat man."



Like she was kind of
going around...



"He's a male human
who bats are his...



I'm not gonna say bat-
I don't wanna say it."



So I called the bat man...



...and he comes over



and I'm in the closet looking
through the crack, at-



The bat is on the ceiling,
hanging upside down,



he's just looking around.



The most disgusting thing.



And so finally, there's
a knock at my door and I go,



I crawl to the door and
I open it and he's like, hello.



And he says, "Where's the bat?"



And I'm like, "Ehhh..."



So the guy walks over



and he just takes the bat.



That's it.



He just took it.



He's like, all right?



Yeah, you pretty much nailed it.



That's amazing.



It's like I called somebody
and said, "Help,



there's a box of tissues
on my table!"



Oh, thank goodness.



What a relief, to have
a man in the house.



Would you like some sweet tea?



I wasn't expecting company.



Ooh, my robe fell open.



He saw my breasts.



Ooh.



What do we do now?



Mr. bat man?



You know, I'm kind of grateful
to that bat now,



now that you're going
to fuck me.



You're not?



Well, all right,
you can go, then.



I can't-
I can't get out of it.



I'm sorry.



I just like to keep doing that
'til the laughter stops.



Fuck, he's really-



This is getting upsetting.



What if I just did that
for, like, minutes?



Well, if you weren't
gonna help me,



then why did you come over?



I'm alone here all day and I
hardly can handle it anymore.



All right, all right.



So...
No, no.



No, don't do that.



Don't do that.



I was, um...



I was in New York one time,
I was on the subway platform



and I saw two rats, uh,
and they were fucking.



And I never saw that before.
I'm like, oh, shit.



There's two rats
fucking right there.



And so I watched 'em, um,
'cause you can watch rats fuck.



It's not a big deal.



You don't have to go, like...



You can really just
totally just watch 'em.



Hmm, I see.



Anyway, I'm watching 'em,
I'm just curious.



I mean, it wasn't...
surprising how they do it.



It's not like she's on top
going, mmm.



Mmm.



Mmm, mmm, mm.



Thank you.



I love it, I love it.



Ooh!



I think this is a Japanese rat
I'm doing, I don't know.



"Ooh, it's so good to fuck you!



Ohh! Come on, Ricky,
do me!"



I don't know, all right.



Anyway, it wasn't
anything like that.



It was a pretty standard
rat fuck.



Just, he's on top,



kinda smushing her
into the pavement



and she's like...



And I'm watching 'em, just-



I mean, I didn't, like,
miss my train.



Just, while I was there.



'Cause I was-



I was curious.



It didn't turn me on,
I was just curious.



'Cause I want to know, what is
it gonna be like when he comes.



That's what I wanted to know.



What is it like
when a rat comes?



Is it, like, uh-



Is it just a biological thing,
just a dispassionate,



kinda just, meh! And then
he just goes home?



Or is it like,
Yeah, fucking yeah!



Is it like, "Aww..."



Is it, you know?



Is it ecstasy?
Is it an orgasm?



I told that story
to a friend of mine.



She was like, "Well,
what about the girl rat?



"What about her orgasm?



Why didn't you empower her
and wonder how she comes?"



What, are you crazy?



Girl rats don't come.



There's no way the girl gets
to come when rats fuck.



First of all, he's not
gonna hold out for her.



He's not that kinda dude,
you can tell.



He didn't give a shit.



He's gonna fuck her and leave,
he doesn't even know her name.



He's not sitting there
waiting for her and trying



to think of things to not come,



like giant garbage bags with
no food in them or whatever.



And even if he did,
she's on a subway platform



in front of people.



She's not gonna be able
to get to that place,



that inside place,
that girl rats need



to find their orgasm.



'Cause I know
what girl rats need.



I know how to make
a girl rat come.



I do, you just pick 'em up and
hold 'em upside down and just...



Just to be clear,
what I was doing there...



I just want to make sure
you know.



I spit in her mouth



while I played
with her little asshole.



Don't judge her,
that's what she likes.



I did it for her.



I was watching "The Wizard
of Oz" with my daughters and-



I know that's-
I know that's, uh-



That's a weird couple of stories
to put together.



Fingering a rat's asshole
to orgasm



and watching "The Wizard of Oz"
with my daughters,



but they happened
to have happened



one right after the other.



Most things that I do, I do
right after I made a rat come.



That's what I do at night.
It's my-



It's the only way I try to help.



All right.



So I was...



Let me just tell you this first.
I was, uh, I was at a place to-



eating dinner in New York and
I heard these two women talking



and one of 'em is talking about
the guy she's dating.



They were about years old,
like, NYU students,



and so she's talking about it
and, you know, a lot of times



I'll hear this, a woman talking
about the guy she's dating



and she runs down
the stuff that's not satisfying,



the things she doesn't like.



She's like, "He's just,
you know, I text him



"and he, like, he doesn't,
like, respond right away



and then, when he does, it's"
like, whatever, so that's weird.



"And then, like, I saw him
and he's just being weird.



And so then he, like, calls me,"
he's like, I'm sorry I'm weird.



"It's, like, weird, right now.
And I was like, whatever.



And then we had sex.
And it's just weird."



And then I'm listening
'cause I wanted to know,



what is her friend gonna say?



I want to know what kind of
friend she has, you know.



And her friend just says,
"He's a piece of shit.



He's a piece of shit."



"He's not good enough for you,
'cause you're amazing.



You're amazing."



So he just can't handle
how amazing you are."



And I remember thinking,
that is a shitty friend.



That's not a good friend.



That is not a good way
to approach life.



"I'm amazing!



And anybody who doesn't"
text me back is just-



can't handle
how amazing I am."



I mean, she's a student.
She can't be-



She's not Nelson Mandela,
she's in college.



She-I'm sure she's fine,



but you're amazing,
the way you... take classes.



What is-
What is so amazing?



She's kinda boring, he's kind of
a douche, so it's fine.



They're fine.



You need to know that
you're boring a little bit.



It's important.



Self love is a good thing,



but self awareness
is more important.



You need to, once in a while go,
oh, I'm kind of an asshole.



You have to have
that thought once in a while,



or you're a psychopath.



You know like when you say
to a friend of yours,



You're being an asshole
and they're like, "No, I'm not."



Well, it's not up to you



if you're an asshole or not.



That's up to everybody else.



You don't get to say no to that.



You're an asshole.
No, I'm not.



"Oh, sorry, I thought-
Okay, I'm glad I checked.



I guess you're not."



If somebody tells you
you're an asshole,



you should go, "Oh, shit."



All right, what happened,
how did I get here?



It's like somebody saying,
you know,



"You got something
on your face. ""No, I don't."""



It's like America-



I feel like America is, like,
the world's worst girlfriend.



America is like
a terrible girlfriend



to the rest of the world,



'cause when somebody
hurts America,



she remembers it forever,



but if she does anything bad,
it's like it- "What?"



"It did-
I didn't do anything."



America, why do you keep
bombing those people in Yemen



and all these-
"Well, it's 'cause /, okay?



/, so shut up, assholes."



Okay, but you killed
hundreds of thousands of people,



so I think you can-
"Yeah, no, but /.



Fuck you."



You don't even understand."



Yeah, but you're
torturing people.



"I-It wasn't even
torture, oh, my God.



He's such a baby."



I didn't even do anything
to him."



And...



And I'm saying this about women
'cause I'm a guy.



Women might say this about-
that this is what guys are like.



That's just what it's like,
you know,



because I think racism
and sexism are very different.



To me, racism is just a mistake.



It's like, just an error.



It doesn't really make
any sense,



we can just do away with it,
but sexism isn't going anywhere,



'cause sexism is way deep
the fuck down inside,



so it's just the way
we feel about each other.



It's, "Ahh, women!



"Women! Women!



Women!"



Women! Women!"



And you're like, "Men!



"Men, men! Men!



Men!"



"Men! Men!



Men!"



Anyway, so I'm watching "The
Wizard of Oz" with my daughters.



Is that enough of
a palate cleanser?



All right.



I'm watching "The Wizard of Oz,"
I don't know if you've seen it,



it's about a little girl
named Dorothy,



a very sweet little girl played
by an alcoholic older lady,



who, uh...



Lives in Kansas, she has a dog,
she's very upset.



And she keeps telling-
My dog!



And everybody's like,
This is a farm. We're working.



Leave us alone.



And then there's a tornado
and they all run inside



and they barely look for her.
It's unbelievable.



It was so upsetting to me when
I was a kid to see this movie,



'cause Auntie Em is like,
Dorothy! Okay, fuck it.



And she just goes right inside.



Bolts the door.
Unbelievable.



So Dorothy goes up to Oz.



So here's the thing, I was
watching it the other night,



and there's this one moment
that really stunned me.



It's when Ray Bolger,
who played the Scarecrow,



he just got ripped apart
by flying monkeys



and he's very upset
and he has this performance



that's way over the top,
even for this movie.



Do you remember that moment?
The Tin Man comes over.



What happened?
And he's like,



"Well, first
they tore my arms off



and they threw them over there!"



And then they tore my legs off
and they threw them over there!"



And I've seen this movie
a thousand times,



but for some reason this time,



that moment made me go,
Oh, shit!



Ooh!



That was a lot.



And I started to wonder
if Victor Fleming,



the guy who directed
The Wizard of Oz,



if he had a moment during
the filming of the movie



where he was, like, I think
I gotta have a word with Ray,



'cause that's getting
to be a lot.



All right, let him-



Just let him do another one.



Okay, action!



What happened?



"Well, first they tore
my arms off



and they threw them over there!"



"And then they tore my legs off.



They threw them over there!"



Okay, cut!



Comes over.



Uh...



So listen.



Ray...



Yes?



Eh, you're fine.



You guys have been great,
thanks a lot for coming.



I hope you enjoyed it.



Thank you very much!



Thank you!


Fade the music out.



Let's roll.



Hold there.



Lights.



Do the lights.



Thank you.



Thank you very much.
I appreciate that.



I don't necessarily agree with
you, but I appreciate very much.



Well, this is a nice place.



This is easily the nicest place



For many miles
in every direction.



That's how you
compliment a building



And shit on a town
with one sentence.



It is odd around here,
as I was driving here.



There doesn't seem to be
any difference



Between the sidewalk and
the street for pedestrians here.



People just kind of walk
in the middle of the road.



I love traveling



And seeing all the different
parts of the country.



I live in new york.
I live in a--



There's no value
to your doing that at all.



I live--
I live in new york.



I always--



Like, there's this old lady
in my neighborhood,



And she's always
walking her dog.



She's always just--
she's very old.



She just stands there
just being old,



And the dog just fights gravity
every day, just--



The two of them, it's really--



The dog's got a cloudy eye,
and she's got a cloudy eye,



And they just stand there
looking at the street



In two dimensions together,
and--



And she's always wearing, like,
this old sweater dress.



I guess it was a sweater
when she was, like, '",



But now it's just,
like, this sweater



And her legs are--
her legs are a nightmare.



They're just white with green
streaks and bones sticking out.



Her legs are awful.



I saw a guy with no legs
wheeling by,



And he was like,
"yecch, no thank you.



I do not want those."



"I'd rather just have air
down here like I have



Than to look down at that shit."



I see these two all the time,
and I always look at them,



And I always think,
god, I hope she dies first.



I do.



I hope she dies first,
for her sake,



Because I don't want her
to lose the dog.



I don't think she'll
be able to handle it.



If she dies--



If the old lady dies first,
I'm not worried about the dog



Because the dog doesn't even
know about the old lady.



This dog is aware of
three inches around his head.



He's living
in two-second increments.



The second he's in
and the one he just left



Is all he knows about,



But if he dies, this lady,
she's gonna be destroyed



Because this dog is all she has,



And I know he's all she has
because she has him.



There's no--



If she had one person
in her life,



She would not keep
this piece of shit little dog.



Even if just some young woman
in her building one morning



Were to say,
good morning, gladys,



She'd be like, "good,"



And just flush him
down the toilet, just--



Poom! Poom!



The dog just keeps
bumping on the drain.



Poom!



she gives up.



Ends up just shitting on her dog
for the rest of her life.



P-p-p!



Poom!



You ever flush a pet
down the toilet?



I had to flush my daughter's
fish down the toilet.



I came home, the fish was dead.



She wasn't home from school yet,
so I just flushed the fish,



And that's a weird moment, too,
'cause fish live in water.



So you put it in the toilet,
floats to the bottom,



Like, "yeah, he's dead,"



And then you flush,
and it looks like he goes,



"wait a second! Aw, shit!



I was taking a nap! Jesus!"



"you gotta be in constant motion



To get any respect
in this house."



And then my daughter comes home.



why did he die, da--



Come on. What am I gonna say?
Why did he die?



Because who gives a shit?
That's the reason.



That's the actual reason,
is because didn't matter



That he was alive.



That's why he's dead.



He didn't know his name,
and he didn't love you back.



These are the facts
about that fish's life.



My daughter likes fish.
We took her to the aquarium.



I took both my kids
to the aquarium in boston,



And we were looking
at this seal, or sea lion.



I don't know which one.
I don't care.



I don't think they need
to be separate things.



I really don't.



They don't care,
and we don't care.



There's, like, three scientists



Who give a shit
what we call all those things.



The scientists could
go on tv tomorrow



And say, "ok, everybody.



"from now on, seals
and sea lions and walruses,



And--you know what?--Penguins
are all seals now,"



And we would all be like,
"yeah, all right. Fine. Yes.



Whatever, man."



Anyway, so we're looking
at this seal/sea lion thing,



And he's looking back at us
through the plexiglas,



And he's going--



They're really disgusting
in person.



Most animals are
when you really see them.



You ever go to a farm?



You think you're gonna see
little, white sheep



Going, "baa," but they're
all fat and shit-colored,



And they're like--



Jesus.



That thing is awful.



Anyway, seals don't go--



They go--



My daughter's like,
what is he saying?



I don't know!



"I'm a slave!



Kill me!"



Must be awful to be
other kinds of stuff,



You know?



I'm glad I'm this.



This is a pretty good deal when
you consider the alternatives.



Anything else, any other kind of
thing, you're in the food chain.



You're in the food--
we are out of the food chain.



I don't know if we
fully appreciate the fact



That we got
out of the food chain.



That is a massive upgrade



Because for every other
living thing,



Life ends by being eaten.



That's how all life ends, is--



Every single life
except human life,



Every life ends like this.



Aah! Aah! Aah!



We're the only ones that get
to just die old in a bed,



Just "I love you. Bye."



I mean, imagine if we were
still in the food chain



On top of everything else.



Imagine if we were
in the food chain.



It would just be another thing
you gotta deal with.



You're already having a bad day.



You wake in up in the morning.
You're making breakfast.



You burn your toast,
and it's too late to try again,



And your kid comes in and says,
beh, and you're like, "fine,"



And it's just, "why?"



You get a thing in the mail



That says that
your phone's different,



And your mortgage
is another company now.



What? I don't get it!



Then you're walking to work
like, "why do I even bother?



"shit! Goddamn it!



there's always fucking cheetahs"
at the train station!



Stop it!"



You think that sharks--



Do you think that sharks
would be embarrassed



If they knew that we could all
see their fins



Sticking out
the top of the water?



I think they'd be bummed



'cause I don't think sharks
are aware of that at all.



I think sharks think
they're slick.



They swim around like,



"hey, nobody has any idea
what's down here,"



And we're all up here like,



"there's totally a shark
right there."



It wouldn't be fun
being a predator, either.



If you're a predator, imagine
if every time you're hungry,



You gotta chase a guy



Who's running for his life.



You gotta-- "come on, dude!
Shit, get over here!"



And just hold him down
and bite his neck



Till he shuts the fuck up
for a minute



So you can just sit there
and eat his stomach



Before you go to work.



That would really suck.



That's why animals just--



They go, "let's do this
together, man.



"you chase the parents away.



I am gonna eat the kid,
and you circle back."



That's why they do it like that.



"fuck it. I'm eating babies.
This is bullshit."



"grownups ain't worth
the meat."



Whoops, all right.



All right.



shit.



Goddamn it.



Idiot.



This isn't a gay voice,
by the way.



It's not.



Shut up.



yeah.



I live in new york city,
and it's ok there.



I live in a nice building.



I never lived
in a nice place before.



When I was growing up,
I had no money.



I mean, my mom didn't.
Didn't matter. I was a child.



But I'm not used to it
'cause it's nice.



There's, like,
a pretty courtyard



With flowers and a fountain
with little marble boys pissing.



I don't know.
What is it with fountains?



Like, all fountain sculptors
are pedophiles, basically.



You can't get a fountain
made without--



can you make me a fountain?



"yes, I'll get started
right away!



Yes!"



Yes!



It's finished!"



And it's just little boys
pissing on the face



Of a greek god
that looks like him a lot.



just piss on me forever!



Anyway, there's one of those
in the courtyard of my building,



And my first week in
the building about a year ago,



I went down to the courtyard
for the first time,



And I didn't look
too good, you know?



It was a Sunday morning.



That's my
least presentable hour.



There's a lot of, you know,
just stains,



Just like, you know,
food and me and whatever...



And so I'm sitting there.



So? Shut up.



Ha ha ha!



Anyway, but so there I was.



I'm sitting on the stone bench
of this courtyard



And feeling a little
out of place.



You know, there's
these fancy doormen and stuff,



And then there's this guy
looking at me.



I notice he's looking at me
from across the courtyard,



And he's all spiffy-looking.



He's got brown shoes, and he's
looking at me like, ""



I can tell he was thinking
I don't live in the building.



He thinks I just wandered in
off the streets



And sat in the courtyard.



I can tell he's thinking
of coming over



And dealing with me on his own,
and I'm sitting there thinking,



Like, "please do that. Yes.
Please, come on, come on.



Come on, come on, come on,"



And I'm trying to look
even more gross,



And I'm, like,
pulling up my shirt, ""



And then I see him go, "no.
That's not gonna do at all,"



And he comes over to me,
and I'm like,



Num num num!



I'm so excited to have
this thing, a confrontation



Where I'm not wrong at all
and he thinks I am.



rrgh!



So he comes over, says,
"excuse me,



do you live in this building?"""



And I said, "no,"



'cause why not start there?



I said, "no."



He goes, "well then,
what are you doing here?"



And I said, "I just need
to rest.



I'm having a hard time."



He says,
this is private property,



And I said, "well, I don't
really believe in that."



You know, just the worst things
I could say



From his point of view



Is basically all the things
I was saying,



And he goes,
"well, if you don't leave,



I'm gonna talk to the doorman."



I was like, "can I just stay,
like, five more hours?"



So he's--"no,"
and he goes over to the doorman



And I see him talking about me
to the doorman like this,



And then I see the doorman
going, "no.



That guy lives here. It's ok,"



And the look on his face--
mwah mwah! Num num!--



It was just so--



It was this beautiful cocktail
of anger and confusion.



It's like I had invented a new
way to hurt somebody's feelings.



That's how excited I was.



I'm now,



So I'm either halfway through
a healthy life



Or almost done
with a not-so-healthy life.



I don't know which one.



I won't know till it's over
where this was.



I don't know how long
I'm gonna live.



I don't know.
Nobody knows, I guess.



I think human life expectancy
is pretty good.



We get a good run, you know?



Some people die early, you know?



If I die now, people will be
like, "that's too bad."



If I die five years from now,
they'll be like,



well, all right,
like it's not even--



It's--



Like, as soon as you're ,
you're a candidate.



You know, there's
no candlelight vigils



For -year-old guys that die,



And you start pushing--



You know, some people get to be
like, s, s.



You know, there are people
that get to, like, ,



And then they're in the news,
and it's always some old guy,



I met napoleon.



No, you didn't, you liar,



You oldest liar in the world.



But , you know,
you're not old yet,



But you start having moments



Where you kind of start getting
what old is,



Especially if you didn't
take care of yourself, you know?



I have moments where I'm like,



"wow, this seems early
for this."



Like, this is something
that happens to me a lot.



I'll be sitting watching tv
or doing nothing,



And all of a sudden,
I'll realize,



"I need to wipe my ass
right now."



"I mean, nothing happened,



But I really gotta
wipe my ass right now.



Right now."



Gotta make trips to the bathroom
just to wipe my ass.



How does this happen already?



I'm .



Already, my asshole's just like,
Just--



My asshole--



My asshole's like the waistband
on old pajama bottoms,



Just kinda...



Loose and ineffectual.



My asshole's like a bag
of leaves that nobody tied up.



It's just sitting on the lawn,
full and open,



Puking leaves onto the grass
with every wisp of wind.



Some kid kicks it over
on his way home



From a tough day
at middle school.



rats.



That's a pretty accurate
description of my asshole.



Here's another thing
about my age right now.



If I'm--
ok. Say I'm sitting down.



If I'm sitting anywhere,
which--ha ha ha!--



I love sitting so much--



I would take sitting
and doing nothing



To standing and fucking any day.



This is way better than coming.
This is way better.



This is what--



At my age, if I'm sitting down
and somebody tells me



I need to get up
and go to another room,



I need to be told
all the information why first.



You gotta explain
all that shit to me.



"what? Why do I--
no. Why, though?"



"your car is being towed
right now!"



"well, that's what happens
to me, then. That's--



I accept that."



'cause getting up
is a whole thing.



It means first,
I have to decide,



"do I really want
to be alive anymore?"



Like, let's start with that,



And then I gotta, "" start
kind of rocking to get momentum,



like I'm trying to get
an old honda out of a snow bank.



shit.



The worst part of my day,
worst part of every day



Of my life, is when
I have to put on my socks.



Putting on my socks
is the worst part



Of every day,
and it always will be.



Even if I have a terrible day
in the future



Where my grandmother is murdered
by my other grandmother,



If that ever happened to me,
the worst part of that day



Will be when I put on
my socks because--



Putting on my socks,
that means I have to--



Here's what I have to do.



I have to get my hands
past my pointed toe.



I don't even know how I do it.



I'm sitting here.
I don't know how I do that.



It's 'cause you have to--



It's like folding
a bowling ball in half.



Soon as I start, I can feel--



I'm pushing all the fat up
into my vital organs,



And I just feel
all the systems failing.



beep, beep, beep!



And I have to, like, lay on
my back like an eight-year-old



And go like this,
and I start passing out.



And I know
other people's lives are hard.



Ha ha ha!



I know.



I saw an interview on tv
with michael j. Fox,



And he has parkinson's,
and he was describing



Brushing his teeth, and he said



It takes him two hours a day,
and he said it's agony,



And I saw this and I thought,
ok. That's hard.



That is hard,



And so is putting on my socks.



Sorry, michael.



Doesn't make it easier to know
about your thing.



Tell you what.



I'll help you brush your teeth,
you help me with the socks.



I don't know.
I like getting older, though.



Life is an education, and
if you're older, you're smarter.



I just believe that.



If you're in an argument
with somebody



And they're older than you,
you should listen to them.



It doesn't mean they're right.



It means that
even if they're wrong,



Their wrongness is rooted in
more information than you have.



They've been there longer.
If you're older, you're smarter.



How many people here,
by applause, are or older?



or older, applaud.



Ok.



That's about people
out of ,.



Here's the interesting thing.
There's way more. I can see you.



There's so many more.



This is arizona.



There are way more people
in that demographic,



But they didn't clap.



Why? 'cause they're smart.



They're sitting in the dark
going, "I don't have to clap.



I don't have to do anything."



They're not doing it,
and they're right.



You know why?
'cause never identify yourself.



Never. Are you crazy?
You don't know why I'm asking.



How do you know what--



Ok. Burn them all.
Burn everybody over .



How do you know
I'm not gonna do that?



How many people here,
by applause, are or younger?



or younger, applaud.



That's every time.
whoo! Whoo! every time.



That is a weird thing
to celebrate



In a room where you're
not the only people here.



That's like going
to a cancer ward--



"not me! Whoo!



I don't have it!
I don't have it!"



If you're older, you're smarter.



A -year-old garbage man
is a million times smarter



Than a -year-old
with three ph.D.S,



Especially smarter than him,
'cause this idiot



Has been thinking about three
things for, like, years.



He's worthless.



The garbage man is .



He's had some experience.
Things have happened to him.



He went to cape cod one summer.



He saw a dead guy
floating in the motel pool.



He took a bus to montreal.



He got a hand job at a fair...



From a miner.



I mean a miner.



Not a minor, a miner.



You understand? A miner.



A grown man who works in a mine



With dirty hands
jacked him off at a county fair.



That's what I'm saying happened
to the -year-old.



You see?
He's had some experience.



He knows more.



More has happened to him.
He's seen more.



He's seen history.



He's witnessed history,



Even if it's not
ancient history.



He saw nixon resign
on live television.



Me and those few people
that clapped,



We saw
the president of america cry



And then quit being
the president.



That shit was crazy



'cause none of us knew
what was gonna happen next.



Today people are like,



"the president's
kind of disappointing."



Really?



Our president wept
like an insane person



And then got on a helicopter
and flew away...



And the whole nation
just watched him go.



I like getting older, though,
because for me,



The kind of guy I am,
getting older



Makes my life better, you know,



Like, my sex life,
way better at ,



Look, 'cause this situation
is ok at .



This is not a fun kind
of a -year-old to be.



And some people, their life
is better when they're younger.



You know, young dudes,
young, skinny dudes,



Best life in the world
is being a young, skinny dude.



They don't have to do anything.



They just show up



With a big adam's apple
and a smelly t-shirt.



"hey, I'm here for the easy
pussy for the rest of my life."



"so where do I--
everywhere? Ok. Cool."



But for guys like me,
this is not a fun youth.



It gets better.



I'd like to make one of those
it gets better ads



For just dumpy, young guys.



We could use a little help,
a little encouragement,



Just somebody on tv,
"listen, man.



I know it's tough right now."



"you're vaguely heavy
with no face.



you have zero value"
on the sexual marketplace.



"you feel invisible to the girls
in school because you are,



but it gets better"
because you'll all grow up,



"and you pretty much look
just like this your whole life,



and they don't."



"their options start running out
really fast,



and you're gonna be there."



"as long as you stay
relatively employed and washed,



you're gonna be amazing"
in your s.



"you're gonna be--



you're gonna be the branch"
that she can grab



"before she hits the ground.



it's gonna be so great."



"it just takes time
for her circumstances



to match your looks,"
but it's gonna happen.



"it's gonna happen.



when real shit matters,"



You're gonna be the sexiest
motherfucker in the world."



It's just time.
That's all it takes.



There's a formula to this.



It's pussy plus time
over income squared.



Everybody has their time.
Everybody has their time.



I mean, not everybody.



There are people out there who
there's just nobody for them.



Yep.



People like to say things like,
there's someone for everyone.



Nope!



Not at all true,
and stop saying it



'cause it's mean to people
who never find anybody.



There are millions
of people out there



Who we've all
unanimously decided,



They are light speed ugly



And nobody kisses them
on the lips, even.



Nobody touches their genitals
their entire life.



They just wash it,
and then they die.



That's all that happens,



aww, and if you're
feeling bad for them,



You can go find one
and fuck one tomorrow,



You can just solve the problem
right there



With all that kindness
in your heart.



aww. well, go fuck one.
nah. I didn't think so.



That's the one way
we're all mean.



Nobody does that.
Nobody fucks down, nobody.



People fuck up or across.



Some women fuck down
because a guy



Talked them into that it was up.



Some guy, "yeah. No. You should.
I'm totally up. Yeah."



It's a weird selection process
that we have.



Dating really is--



It's how we evolve, is dating.



It's how we
choose each other,



And dating is a real drag
for a lot of people,



But I always think
it's a nice thing.



You know, when I see a date,



I'm always happy when I see
a couple on a date



'cause it means people
are still trying, you know?



You see a couple on a date,



It means there's still
courage out there.



That takes courage, to go
on a date, for both sides,



Two very different kinds
of courage.



The male courage,
traditionally speaking,



Is that he decided to ask.



He went up to a random woman
who he has no idea



If she's gonna like him or not



And he walked up to her
terrified.



Everything in your body
is telling you,



"just go the fuck home
and jerk off.



Don't do this!"



But he walked up and said,
hi. Yes,



And she's like, ""



"no, no, no. A second.
Give me a second,"



And you try to get through
this membrane of, you know--



And then, if it works



And you say,
you wanna go out sometime?



Sometimes she'll say yes,
and if she says yes,



That's her courage,
and the courage it takes



For a woman to say yes is
beyond anything I can imagine.



A woman saying yes to a date
with a man is literally insane



And ill-advised,
and the whole species' existence



Counts on them doing it,
and I don't know how they--



How do women still go out with
guys when you consider the fact



That there is no greater threat
to women than men?



We're the number-one
threat to women.



Globally and historically,
we're the number-one cause



Of injury and mayhem to women.



We're the worst thing
that ever happens to them.



That's true.



You know what
our number-one threat is?



Heart disease.
That's the whole thing.



That's it, just our own heart
going, "dude, I can't--



"you can't keep doing this.



I told you three strokes ago
that this is not smart,"



But women still--



"yeah. I'll go out with you
alone at night."



What are you, nuts?



"I'll get in your car with you
with my little shoulders.



Hi. Where are we going?"



to your death, statistically.



How do they still do it?



If you're a guy, try to imagine
that you could only date



A half-bear, half-lion,



And you're like,
"I hope this one's nice.



I hope he doesn't do
what he's going to do."



I always--
I love when I see a date.



You know, when you see a date,
you can tell it's the first date



'cause of the way they're
walking together



And she's looking up at his face
trying to figure him out,



And he's just a mess.



A guy on a first date
just has no actual personality.



He's just a mishmash



Of different kinds of dudes
for a couple of seconds each,



Just anything, no cohesive--



Just like a ransom note
cut out of a lot of magazines,



Just, you know, "well...



"ha ha!



well, yes. I think so, too."



Ha ha! Rrgh..."



Whatever, just like
a blind dick in space



Just thrusting
in infinite directions



Hoping to find pay dirt
at someplace,



And then sometimes
you see a date



That's later down the line
and something has happened.



There's something
that happens in a date



That I never get to witness
'cause women do this.



They get to do it inside.



They get to just decide quietly,
I'm gonna let him fuck me.



They just get to decide.



Something he says,
and she's like,



"that was good.
He's gonna fuck me later,"



And he has no idea.



He's still, like,
trying all this shit.



He still has no idea
he's already in there.



Guys are--



We love women a lot--
all men do--



And we just look at you.



That's what I do.
I just look at women.



I just--""



Like they're, you know,
cakes in windows.



I just--""



I was walking in new york once,



And there's these two very cute
women walking behind me,



And I was trying to walk slowly
so I could hear



What they were saying
to each other, you know,



'cause they were cute,
so I wanted to hear them,



Like that's gonna help me
in any way, to hear their--



"don't you wish the guy
walking in front of us



Would squeeze our tits
for, like, one second?"



Ok.



Here.



Here I go. Thank you.



It's really a flaw in men
that we would all do that.



If you're a woman, you could ask
any guy on planet earth,



"could you squeeze my tit
for one second?"



And % of us will go,
yes, of course.



That doesn't matter.



I could be doing
open heart surgery.



yeah. Ok.



Beep! "don't worry.



He's not your tits.
Don't worry about it."



I don't know why
we love tits so much.



Some people say it's because
we breastfeed, but so do women,



Or, you know, baby women.



Not grown-up women,
don't usually--



You don't see, like,
a -year-old woman,



Like, a stately look--



You know, like sigourney weaver,



Like, sucking milk
out of a young woman's tit.



"thank you, deborah.
I'll see you tomorrow at :."



It's not usually the thing,



Is the elderly breastfeeding
from the young,



Except for at the end
of "the grapes of wrath,"



Which I don't mean
to ruin that book for you,



But you should have read it
by now.



I don't know if you read
the grapes of wrath,



But that's how it ends,
with an old, dying man



Sucking milk
out of a young girl's tits,



And then the book is over,
and you're like,



"jesus! What happened
at the end there?



That's crazy."



There's no other book
in that genre.



There's no dense,
historic classic



That ends with a weird,
porny paragraph at the very--



"and then anna karenina
shat on his chest."



holy moly with that!



the end.



"my god!



that is a violent shift in tone"
at the end of that book.



I've been reading this book
for three months."



But we do, we love tits,



And you always know a tit.



You always know a tit.



You know, like you ever been
in a crowded place--



Like a subway or like,
you know, a sports stadium--



And you're smooshed in
with other people



And your elbow touches a tit
behind you, you're like,



"that's a tit.
I just touched it.



I know that was a tit.
I know it!"



Because the sensitivity
of the male elbow



To tit flesh specifically
is unbelievable, just to tits,



'cause you could drive a tack
in there, I'm not gonna feel it,



But a tit--



Through a shirt and a sweater
and a jacket



And her jacket, sweater,
shirt and bra, somehow...



"it's a tit! I touched a tit!



I touched a tit!"



I touched one tit. One tit."



That's rare, to touch one tit.
It's like a four-leaf clover.



Usually, you touch two.



The only time you touch one tit
is when it was an accident



Or you didn't have permission,



But otherwise...



When tit access is granted,



It's usually good
for two tits at a time.



It's, once you're on one--



You really have to screw up
really badly and quickly



To lose tit access
between tits one and two.



You must have said something
really dumb on the first tit



That you didn't get
the second one.



"yeah, it's like your mom's
dirty whore tit."



"why? What? I said I liked it.



that's what I meant,"
is that I like it.



"I like your mom's
dirty whore tit,



And I like yours,"



And if it's up to the guy,
we're gonna touch both tits.



No guy touches a tit
and then goes, "you know what?



"I'm good with the one.
That's fine for me.



Everything in moderation."



We're gonna touch both,



Even if something terrible
happens in the middle of--



yeah--
there's a bomb!



"shit! Come on, let's get--



come on!"



Let's get your tits
out of here!"



I've seen a few tits.



I've seen--I don't know--
maybe.



I don't know.



I had my history
in my life, you know?



I've been divorced
for five years,



And it's been the best part
of my life, being divorced,



Easily my favorite part
of my life.



I love being divorced.



Every year has been
better than the last.



That is the only time
I can say that about,



And by the way, I'm not saying
don't get married.



If you meet somebody,
fall in love and get married,



And then get divorced
because that's the best part.



It's the best part.



Marriage is just like a larva
stage for true happiness,



Which is divorce,



Because you just let go
and everything's fine now.



Divorce is forever.



It really actually is.



Marriage is for how long
you can hack it,



But divorce just gets stronger
like a piece of oak.



Nobody ever says, "
my divorce is falling apart.



It's over. I can't take it."



And again, if you're
in a good marriage, stay in it.



If you're in the best marriage
ever, stay in it.



I'm just saying, if you got out,
it would be better.



That's just a fact. I'm sorry.



I'm sorry, but it's true.



Everything's better.



My ex-wife and I,



This is the best part
of our knowing each other.



We're good co-parents because
we live apart and we're friends.



Our kids go to her
half the week,



They come to me half the week,
and I'm a good father.



I'm an attentive, focused,
and responsible father.



Do you know why?



'cause I get to say good-bye
to these kids every week.



Are you shitting me?



It's like every parent's
fantasy.



Who can't be a good father
for half of every week?



No matter how bad it gets,
every Wednesday,



I get to go, "good-bye, girls.



"daddy's gonna go upstairs
and pour whiskey



All over his naked body
right now."



"I'm gonna lay in my own filth



Until two seconds
before you come back here."



That's why I'm such a good dad.



My daughter was having
a dance thing at her school.



They had this big dance.



Anyway, we all went,
all the parents,



And everybody's there,
and everybody's got their phone,



Every single parent.



It was an amazing thing to watch
'cause kids are dancing



And every parent
is standing there like this.



Every single person
was blocking their vision



Of their actual child
with their phone, and the kids--



I went over by the stage
and the kids--



There's people holding ipads
in front of their faces.



It looked like we're all in
the witness protection program.



Like, the kids can't see
their parents,



And everybody's watching
a shitty movie



Of something
that's happening ten feet--



Like, look at your fucking kid.



The resolution on the kid is
unbelievable if you just look.



It's totally hd.



Why are you taping this?



You're never gonna watch it.



In a million years,
you're not gonna watch videos



Of your kids doing shit
you missed



The first time it happened.



You don't watch it.
You just put it on facebook.



"here, you watch it.
I wanna take a nap now."



And then you get to read
all the comments.



"my god!



it's so cute!"



Ngaah!"



And guess what?
They're not watching it, either.



They're not watching the video.



These kids are dancing
for no one.



Nobody watches the videos
on your facebook.



They see the first frame
of a kid and they go,



"that's very nice.
Ok. Back to this."



Nobody's watching your kids'
videos on facebook,



I promise you.



I'll prove it to you.



Next time you tape
your kid's dance,



Tape one second of it
and then add



minutes
of just your own asshole.



Just go in the bathroom
and just record your own anus



Opening and closing
for minutes.



Tack it onto your kid dancing
for a second.



Put that on facebook.



Everybody will write
the same thing.



"that's adorable!



I think I see a future star!"



Don't tape shit on your--



Life is short.
Life is very short.



I like life. I like it.



I feel like even if it ends up
being short,



I got lucky to have it 'cause
life is an amazing gift



When you think about what
you get with a basic life,



Not even a particularly
lucky life or a healthy life.



If you have a life,
that's an ama--



Here's your boilerplate deal
with life.



This is basic cable,
what you get when you get life.



You get to be on earth.



First of all--my god--
what a location.



This is earth, and for trillions
of miles in every direction,



It fucking sucks so bad.



It's so shitty that your eyes
bolt out of your head



'cause it sucks so bad.



You get to be on earth
and look at shit,



As long as you're not blind
or whatever it is.



You get to be here.
You get to eat food.



You get to put bacon
in your mouth.



I mean, when you have bacon
in your mouth,



It doesn't matter
who's president or anything,



You just--""



Every time I'm eating bacon,
I think,



I could die right now,
and I mean it!



That's how good life is.



You get to--
you get to fuck.



That's free if you're smart.



That comes with.
That's part of the deal.



Where else are you gonna get
that deal?



You get to put your dick
in there and go in and out,



Pretty good,



And if you're a woman,
you get to just lay back



And just have a dick



Just shoving
in and out of you awkwardly



Anytime you want,
anytime you want.



If you're a gay man, you get to
just fill your boyfriend's ass



With your dick, just fill it
all the way to the balls,



And it's nice and warm
and tight in there,



And he's your buddy.



If you're a lesbian,



You get to do all the stuff
they're doing, and...



It's a great deal.



You get to eat. You get to fuck.



You get to read
to kill a mockingbird.



It's a great life.



So, you know, I'm not worried
about it ending.



It's pretty good,
and I've wasted a lot of time



Just being angry at people
I don't know.



You know, it's amazing how nasty
we can get as people,



Depending on the situation.



Like, most people are ok
as long as they're ok,



But if you put people in certain
contexts, they just change.



Like, when I'm in my car, I have
a different set of values.



I am the worst person I can be
when I'm behind the wheel,



Which is when I'm
at my most dangerous.



When you're driving,



That's when you need to be
the most compassionate



And responsible of any other
time in your life



'cause you are fucking driving
a weapon amongst weapons,



And yet it's the worst
people get, and I am the worst.



One time, I was driving,
and there was a guy ahead of me,



And he kind of--I don't know--
sorta drifted into my lane



For a second,
and this came out of my mouth.



I said,
worthless piece of shit.



I mean, what an indictment.



What kind of a way is that to
feel about another human being?



worthless piece of shit?



That's somebody's son.



And things I've said
to other people.



I was once driving, and some guy
in a pickup truck did--



I don't remember, even--



And I yelled out my window,
I said, "hey, fuck you!"



Where outside of a car
is that even nearly ok?



If you were in an elevator



And you were, like, right next
to a person's body



And, whatever, like, he leaned
into you a little bit,



Would you ever turn
right to their face



And go, "hey, fuck you!"?



worthless piece of shit!



No.



Literally zero people
would ever do that,



But put a couple of pieces of
glass and some road between you,



There's nothing you would not
say to them.



I hope you die!



I said that to a person.



I hope you die!



Why? 'cause you made me
go like this



For half a second of my life.



You tested my reflexes,
and it worked out fine!



So now I hope your kids
grow up motherless!"



I mean, what am I capable of?



I'd like to think
that I'm a nice person,



But I don't know, man.



A lot of it is context.



There's a lot of things I wonder
if the world was different.



Like, if murder was legal, I
might have killed a few people.



I don't know.



I'd love to think,
I would never do that,



But we really need the law
against murder



For one simple reason.



The law against murder



Is the number-one thing
preventing murder.



We'd like to think it's 'cause,



Like, "I would never
do that."



No. It's 'cause it really sucks
getting caught murdering, a lot.



If murder was legal,
or just a misdemeanor--



Like you get a thing
in the mail--



"shit, they had
a camera there.



Well."



If murder was legal,
there would be so much murder.



Regular people would murder.



Murderers would murder
even more,



And then really nice,
sweet people



Would murder a few people,



But nobody would murder
no people.



You wouldn't trust somebody
who didn't murder



If murder was legal.



You wouldn't like them.



I never killed anybody.



"ok. Nice meeting you.
Yecch, what a creep.



I mean, not even a hooker?"
Live a life.



"what's wrong with that guy?



He's like a mormon or some shit.
I hate those guys."



I think he's nice.
shut up, janet.



They would just--



If murder was legal,
there would be a lot of murder.



Children would behave
very differently



Because mostly parents would be
murdering their own kids,



That's mostly what would happen
if murder was legal.



You know, you'd go to a mall,
there'd be,



Like eight, different moms
in the mall just--



"I told you to stop it!
You didn't listen to me!"



Just--pbbt!



There'd be just--



You'd be stepping
over dead kids.



There'd be, like, a new problem.



"you have to clean up your kids



when you kill them"
'cause it's gross.



"it's bad for the environment.



if you murder your child"
in a public place,



"please use one of the red bags
that are in the dispensers



every three feet of america."



"put your murdered child
in the red bag



with a logo"
of a murdered kid on it



"next to the other logo
that tells you



not to let your alive kid play"
with the plastic bag



"because they might suffocate,



In which case you could just
leave them in the bag."



That is a whole bunch
of horrible thoughts



Right in a row, right in a row.



That is a compressed area
of bad thought.



You know, you have
your bad thoughts.



Hopefully you do good things.



Everybody has a competition
in their brain



Of good thoughts
and bad thoughts.



Hopefully,
the good thoughts win.



For me, I always have both.



I have, like, the thing I
believe, the good thing--



That's the thing I believe--
and then there's this thing,



And I don't believe it,
but it is there.



It's always this thing
and then this thing.



It's become a category
in my brain



That I call, "of course...



But maybe..."



I'll give you an example, ok?



Like, of course children
who have nut allergies



Need to be protected, of course.



We have to segregate
their food from nuts,



Have their medication available
at all times,



And anybody who manufactures
or serves food



Needs to be aware of deadly
nut allergies, of course,



But maybe...



Maybe if touching a nut
kills you,



You're supposed to die.



Of course not.



Of course not. Of course not.



Jesus.



I have a nephew who has that.



I'd be devastated if something
happened to him,



But maybe...



Maybe if we all just do this
for one year,



We're done with nut allergies
forever.



No. Of course not.



Of course, if you're fighting
for your country



And you get shot or hurt,
it's a terrible tragedy,



Of course, of course...



But maybe...



Maybe if you pick up a gun
and go to another country



And you get shot,
it's not that weird.



Maybe if you get shot by the
dude you were just shooting at,



It's a tiny bit your fault.



Of course, of course slavery



Is the worst thing
that ever happened.



Listen, listen.



You all clapped for dead kids
with the nuts.



For kids dying from nuts,
you applauded,



So you're in this with me now.



Do you understand?



You don't get to cherry-pick.



Those kids did nothing to you.



Of course, of course slavery



Is the worst thing
that ever happened.



Of course it is,
every time it's happened--



Black people in america,
jews in egypt.



Every time a whole race
of people has been enslaved,



It's a terrible, horrible thing,
of course...



But maybe...



Maybe every incredible
human achievement in history



Was done with slaves.



Every single thing where you go,



"how did they build those
pyramids?"



They just threw human death
and suffering at them



Until they were finished.



How did we traverse the nation
with the railroad so quickly?



We just threw chinese people
in caves and blew 'em up



And didn't give a shit
what happened to them.



There's no end
to what you can do



When you don't give a fuck
about particular people.



You can do anything.



That's where human greatness
comes from,



Is that we're shitty people,
that we fuck others over.



Even today, how do we have
this amazing microtechnology?



Because the factory
where they're making these,



They jump off the fucking roof



'cause it's a nightmare
in there.



You really have a choice.



You can have candles and horses



And be a little kinder
to each other



Or let someone
suffer immeasurably far away



Just so you can leave
a mean comment on youtube



While you're taking a shit.



Thanks a lot, folks.
You guys were great.



Thank you very, very much.



Thank you.


[Soft, indistinct chatter]



#NAME?
In there, sir?



#NAME?



[Scattered cheers, shouting]



#NAME?



Go--wally, go on house lights.



#NAME?



#NAME?
Spotlight. Spotlight.



[Cheers and applause]



#NAME?



Hi.



Thank you very much.



Uh, Thank you.
Hello, everybody.



Um, Hello.



I mean, by everybody,
I mean, uh, you guys.



Uh, i mean
Everybody who's here.



Really i shouldn't
Say "everybody,"



Because most people
Are not here.



By a pretty huge majority,



Most people are not here.



Most people are in China,
Actually.



It's true.



Actually, that's not true.



Most people are dead.
Did you know that?



It's true.



Out of all the people
That ever were,



Almost all of them are dead.



There are
Way more dead people.



And you're all gonna die,
And...



And then you're gonna be dead
For way longer than your life.



Like, that's mostly
What you're ever gonna be.



You're just dead people
That didn't die yet.



That's...



There are so many dead people.



Ray Charles is dead.
Hitler.



Bunch of other ones.



But mostly those two guys.



And...



It's true.



Ray Charles and Hitler
Are both dead.



And really it's the only thing
They have in common,



Because otherwise
They're very different dudes.



Many contrasts between Hitler
And Ray Charles.



I'm gonna tell you
A few of 'em.



Um, Ray Charles was black.



Hitler was not.



Hitler killed several Jews.



Too many.
I'll say too many.



He killed an excessive amount
of Jews.



He really...



Beat that thing to the ground.



He killed way--
He just--no moderation.



Ray charles, meanwhile,
Hardly any Jews.



He killed so few Jews.



Uh...



I don't know
How to start Shows.



It's just a problem
That i have.



I never...



I never figured out how to come
Out and just start talking,



Because the first thing



You say on stage
Always feels stupid,



Because there's no real reason
For me to talk to you.



It just doesn't exist.



I don't know you.



You don't--you're--
You don't even know each other.



You're facing
The same direction.



That's all
You have in common.



So i just have to...Bleh!



It's like talking
To a girl at a bar



Because
You're attracted to her.



The first thing you say



Is just gonna be dog shit
Coming out of your mouth.



Because you don't know her.



The only honest thing
That you could say to her



Is "i want
To fuck your face."



That's the only thing
You could say



That you could mean.



Anything else you say
Is you trying really hard



Not to say
I want to fuck your face.



That's the only thing you're--



"Hi, i want
To put my penis in...



The lowest hole
In your head."



I was never good at that.



Like, i was very bad
At being single,



Which is a problem,
Because i'm divorced,



So i'm single again.



After ten years
of marriage, and--



No, here.
Cut the shit.



Don't even start
With that noise



Like a puppy died.



Let me tell you something.



Let me tell you something.



And this is important,



Because someday one of your
Friends is gonna get divorced.



It's gonna happen.
And they're gonna tell you.



Don't go, "oh, i'm sorry."



That's a stupid thing to say.



It really is.



First of all,
You're making 'em feel bad



For being really happy,
Which isn't fair.



And second--let me explain
Something to you.



Divorce is always good news.



I know that sounds weird,
But it's true,



Because no good marriage
Has ever ended in divorce.



It's really that simple.



That's never ha--
That would be sad,



If two people were married
And they were really happy,



And they just had a great thing,
And then they got divorced,



That would be really sad.



But that has happened
Zero times.



Literally zero.



Ray Charles
Has killed more Jews



Than happy marriages
Have ended in divorce.



So if your friend
Got divorced,



It means things were bad,
And now they're--



I mean, they're better.



They're not good.
Life is shit wall to wall,



But they're better,



So you should be happy.



But the part that's difficult



Is being single at
After ten years of marriage



And two kids.



It's--that's like
Having a bunch of money



In the currency of a country
That doesn't exist anymore.



Like...



Like i found million
Prussian francs.



I can't really take
Advantage of being single,



Because i didn't--
I didn't expect to be single.



I'm not prepared.



I didn't think i'd ever be--



I didn't keep
This shit up.



You understand?



I didn't maintain
Any of this



At presentation condition.



It's function only.



It was not...



I didn't think
I would need it that way.



I thought i was gonna be shoving
It into the same person



Every three months
Till one of us died.



That's...



What i thought was the nature
of the deployment for this...



I didn't think
I had to be, like,



Appealing to someone
From scratch.



It's like having a--



It's like having a '
Dodge dart in your backyard.



And it's been sitting back there
With grass growing--



You don't have any--
It's not an old mustang.



You have no plans
To restore that dart.



You don't even see it
When you look out the window.



And now you find out
That's your only way to work.



You need that car now.



And you're like,
"Oh, shit, i--



I didn't take--"
It's got bees in it.



"I didn't take care of it.



It's full of bees."



"There's a family of mice
Living in the tailpipe.



I can't take that to work."



I have no single instincts.



I know too much to be single.



I know everything
That happens now.



That's no good for single.



You got to be optimistic
To be single.



Stupid.
You have to be stupid.



That's what optimistic means,
You know?



It means stupid.



An optimist
Is somebody who goes,



"Hey, maybe something
Nice will happen."



Why the fuck would anything nice
Ever happen?



What are you, stupid?



But that's the attitude
You have to be to be single.



You have to look at somebody
And go, "ooh, maybe..."



I don't look at it that way,



Even when i see somebody
I'm attracted to.



I was at a gym the other day.



Why? Why?



I'm at a gym.



I'm just wearing shorts.



That's all i'm doing there.



Just standing there.



And i look over,
And there's a girl on the--



You know, with a ponytail,
And she's on this thing--



And i'm looking at her,
And i'm like,



"Oh, she's awesome.



Shit."



But then i start thinking,
Wait a minute.



I'm single. I'm on the market.
I have value.



I could say something
To her.



I could just walk up
And say something.



And i'm trying to think--
What am i gonna say?



What does--what do i look like
To somebody like that?



And then i realize
It's been way too long.



I've just been standing there,
Staring at her.



[Grunts]



I want her!



I have no identity
In the single world.



I can't--i look at them,
I don't know what they're doing.



I--i tried just jerking off



to Girls Gone Wild
The other day.



Just to re-enter
The community that way.



Just to feel part of it.



And i bought it.



Not the commercial
On Comedy Central.



I paid money like a grown-up.



I put my credit card down



believe



so i'm trying to jerk off
To Girls Gone Wild.



I can't do it,
'Cause i'm a father.



I'm too old.



I'm just getting mad
At everybody in the video.



I'm like, "you fucking
Irresponsible bitches.



Go back to school.
What are you doing down there?"



"There's two wars
And a depression.



Put your--get the oil"
off your tits and study,



For fuck's sake."



I just don't look at a woman
As a pair of tits anymore,



And i wish i did,
'Cause i could get laid easier,



'Cause that's what it takes.



Just to go--
[Grunting]



But i can't now.



Like, i went to a club.



I went to a club,
You know, like, a...



[Imitates thumping club music]
Like, a club.



And i'm standing there
Looking at all the people,



And there's the women--
The hot chicks.



The hot girl at the bar.



You know when you see them,



That's just--she's a hot girl
At the bar.



She's got the--
Got the shirt and the skirt,



And the boots.



Those three lines.



It's, like, some
Perfect ratio that they hit



With those three lines,
And you--



And they're all
Standing there like that.



And i used to look
At somebody like that.



I'm like,
"Wow, she's an angel.



What could i ever say
To make her like me?"



Now i look at her and i'm like,
"What is that?



Is that even a person?"



"What the fuck
Kind of person is that?



Is that an identity even?
Who would want to be that?"



I have two daughters.



I pray they don't
Grow up to be the--



The hot girl at the bar.
What kind of--



Hey, what do you do?



People want to fuck me.



Really? That's it?



"Yeah.



I go to this club, and they"
Want to fuck me over here.



"Ha ha.



Not you.
Ha ha."



And their male counterparts
Are even more useless.



The guys.



The dudes--the going out
To get laid dudes.



You know those guys
That walk in packs of nine



Down the bar street.



The going out
To get laid guys.



They all got the same
Button-up, stripy,



Going out to get laid
Shirt on.



They all got the same stride,



And there's one short
Guy behind them like--



And they--
They're all out to get--



Like, who's gonna
Fuck all nine of you?



What is the fantasy here?



Are you gonna see nine women
In the same configuration,



And just all--?



Are you all gonna walk
Into a giant vagina somewhere?



Ha ha! Dude!



And then later they're in front
of a pizza place,



Just angry at each other.



"You said there was pussy there,
You idiot!"



Shut up!



Then they beat up a stranger
And get the energy out that way.



Faggot!



Those are the most
dangerous people,



Are dudes
That didn't get laid.



They're just fucking--
[Grumbles]



Just full of come
Coming out of their eyes.



"Fucking--fucking--
Fuck somebody."



Stand there.



I love dudes
That hang out together



And do the whole--



I saw this group of guys,



And one of 'em was such a guy,



He had it turned up so high
That it was crazy.



His friends
Were kind of normal.



He was like--



I'm like, "what? Is that--
That can't be real.



That can't be a personality."



Does he do that at :
In the morning



When he's peeing
And nobody's in his apartment?



He's like--



And he kept doing that gesture
That guys like to do.



The...



That's my favorite
Dumb guy gesture.



Yeah. Pfft.



Pffsh, yeah, right.



I always wonder,
What if there was a guy



Who, whenever he does this,



He has to finish.



Like, just some guy
Who works in your office.



You ask him a question.
Hey, is Bill in yet?



"Yeah,
Like, he's ever on time."



[Whispers]
Oh, fuck.



[Cheers and applause]



[Breathes heavily]



"Oh, shit.



Seriously, that dude's"
Always late, man.



I'm serious."



[Stammers]



It's always an odd moment
In a guy's life,



The second after you come,



And you're like--
[Shudders]



Reality comes rushing back.



'Cause you've been
Pushing reality away



In pieces
All night to get the--



"Oh, no, it's fine.



Yeah, no,"
It doesn't matter.



"No, i'll just
Leave my car there.



It doesn't matter."
I'll just go...



"Doesn't matter...
This is weird...



Ah, fuck."



And then
You're just like--



You're like the Hulk coming
back down to the other guy.



My clothes are ripped
And there's a dead guy here.



I don't know what happened.



I'm gonna get my duffle bag
And leave town again.



[Whistles]



So this is
A beautiful theater.



I like what i do,



Because i get to work
In a lot of different places.



And, uh, recently
I did a show in New Jersey



In the auditorium
of a technical High School.



I forgot that existed.
technical High School.



That's where dreams
Are narrowed down.



That's--



'Cause we tell our children,
You can do anything you want.



Their whole lives.
You can do anything.



But at this place,
We take kids--



Like, they're .
They're young.



And we tell them,
"You can do eight things.



We got it down
To eight for you."



And i'm not saying
These people are stupid.



Because i'm stupid.



I really am stupid,
And it bothers me.



Like,
I wish i was more stupid,



'Cause then it wouldn't--



I would--just all
My thoughts would just be--



[Murmuring]



But instead,
Here's how my brain works.



It's stupidity
Followed by self-hatred



And then further analysis.



It's not a very efficient
System of thought.



I have these dumb thoughts,
Duh,



And then i go, "what the fuck
Is wrong with you?"



And then i figure it out.



But the impulse
Is always stupid.



Like, i saw this guy
In New York one day,



And he's walking his dog,



And this is what i saw.



The guy's got a--
He's got a coffee



And a dog on a leash,
And a phone.



He's on the phone.



So he's got
His phone like this,



And the dog's leash is going
From the phone hand to the dog.



And i look at this and i go,



"Oh, he's got, like,
A dog phone."



Like, that thought
Sincerely inhabited me



For, like, a full minute.



I'm going, "oh, i wonder
What the benefits are



To hooking
Your phone up to a dog."



And then the other part of me
Had to go,



"Why the fuck
Would that exist?



You asshole."



I had a string of bad--
Dumb thoughts the other day.



I was--i don't remember
What town i was in.



I was on the road.



I was just standing
In front of my hotel.



It was : in the afternoon.



That's usually what i'm doing
At : in the afternoon.



Just standing in front
of my hotel.



Because i've been
Inside all day.



Just with the jacking off
And the ice cream.



It's just horrible.



It's, like, a horrible thing.



All day.



Just depths of fucking hell.



Just--i wake up,
I get, like, chicken wings.



Shit nobody eats
At : a.M.



Like, really--hot wings
And i eat 'em all,



And then i'm like, "uh..."



So i get ice cream
To cool it off, you know?



Like...
And then i feel worse,



So i jack off and pass out.



I turn off my phone
In case my kids call.



I can't fucking face anybody.



I wake up covered with
Three kinds of shame glaze



Just covering my body.



And so right around :
In the afternoon



It starts getting dark,



And i'm like, "i got to be
In the daylight just once."



I have to at least
One time in the day



Be in the daylight.



And that's--
I just stand there. That's it.



Like a fucking mental patient
In a bathrobe.



Just--



Cigarette burns
On the robe and shit.



Some girl telling me
She got married.



I'm not listening.



"Daddy,
This is my husband."



That's what it feels like,
Anyway.



And i started
Looking at people,



And they're all crispy-clothed



And rosy-cheeked
And full of purpose,



And they're making me
Feel worse.



And i'm about to go back
In the hotel



And jack off another time.



And then i look
Across the street



And i see this couple,



And they were just striking.



They were a beautiful couple.



It was a beautiful woman
With a beautiful man.



I'll say he's beautiful.
I got no problem with it.



I'll suck his dick too.



I don't need your permission.



I don't care.



Walk right over there
And suck his dick.



I mean, i never did that,
But i'm .



Maybe i'll do
The second half gay.



I don't know.



It remains an option.



There's got to be
Something to it.



Those folks
Are having a good time.



They have parades.



They--there's no parades
For how i get laid.



They have parades.



Marching down the street



To celebrate that
They blow each other



And fuck each other
In the ass.



Smush their vaginas together,



Or whatever that one is.



Whatever wonderful thing
Those folks are doing



That's none of my business.



So i--okay,
So i'm looking at the couple,



And they're walking
On the other side of the street,



And they have a child with them.



But i can't see their child,



'Cause there's, like,
A dumpster and some other stuff.



I just see, like,
A little head.



And i'm waiting, i'm curious
What their kid looks like,



Because they're so beautiful.



Maybe i want
To fuck their kid.



I don't know.



[Laughs]



That--that's just me
Saying something terrible



Because it makes me laugh
That it upsets you.



That's all that is.
Just so you know.



It's just--it's just enjoyable
To me that you're upset.



That's all it is.
I'm not gonna fuck a kid.



I wouldn't do that.
Maybe a dead kid.



Who are you hurting?
He's dead.



Who are you hurting?



I'm not saying i would kill
A kid and fuck him.



I'm saying if i found
A dead kid in a field



And it wasn't raining,
I might take a shot.



I don't know.



I haven't been
In that situation.



All right.



[Laughs]



Oh, sorry.



All right. Okay.



So i'm looking
At the couple, and...



[Sighs]



They got a kid with them,



And i'm curious
What their kid looks like.



And they come
Around the corner,



And they're--and this
Is a true story.



It wasn't a kid.



It was a little old chinese
Woman walking next to them.



And here's what
My dumb brain tells me.



I go, "oh, that's what
Their child is like."



Not like, "oh, she's
A separate person.



She's not with them."



I'm like,
"Oh, that young couple



Gave birth to a tiny,"
Elderly chinese woman.



Isn't that interesting?"



And then the other
Part of me had to go,



"Dude, you--



Yeah, that's what happened."
Yes.



Asshole."



And then i was looking
At the little old chinese lady.



She was--there was
A beauty to her.



She's just tiny, little,
Old ch--



I was staring at her
'Cause i was fascinated by her.



I don't know anybody like her,



And i am so not
A little old chinese lady.



That i--i was like,
What are her thoughts?



That was what
I was burning inside with.



What is she thinking
Right now?



I can never know.



And i really--the dumb brain



Is telling me
That she's just thinking--



[Imitates chinese]



That's how dumb i am.



That i think chinese
Gibberish that i made up...



Is in her
Actually chinese mind.



That's all.
Just--



Me chinese.
[Imitates chinese]



Course i didn't--i can't know
What she was thinking.



She could be thinking
Anything.



Eh, black people steal.



So i'm like--



She might--
I'm not saying they steal.



I'm saying that fucking
Racist chinese lady



Might have been thinking it.



She might have been.
It's possible.



And i went to England.



I spent a month there.
I liked England.



Everything's different.



I mean, that's obvious,



But some of
The differences were cool.



I like the money,
The money--



Instead of a dollar bill
They have the pound coin.



And it's a coin and
You throw it on the counter.



It felt kind of cool.



Like the old west.



Like going on the--you know,
Being on the dusty trail.



You see a saloon, so you walk
Over to it with your horse.



You throw the rope
Vaguely at the pole outside.



That thing they do.



It's my whole life
On that horse.



Should be fine.
Just...



Walk in the saloon.



"Give me a beer,
The bottle of whiskey,



And a room for a week,"



"Steak dinner, shave
And a haircut and a bath,



And some new clothes"
And a hat and some boots,



And some oats for my horse,
And a woman."



Here you go.
Ping.



That's all.



One heavy coin.
You're fine.



Nobody adds up all those things
You mentioned.



They don't check
To see what coin it was.



The guy just keeps
Drying the glass.



Things were very vague
Back then.



Things just cost money.



Hey, how much is that?



Money.



In the old english movies,
It was different.



It was a little sack of coins.



Remember that little
Drawstring sack



Tossed over
By some faggy lord



With a ruffled shirt.



Throw it disdainfully down
To some commoner



Who's gonna do something
Beneath his station.



"Follow the girl and report
Back to me at midnight.



Bring a shovel and a sack"



"And two reliable men
Such as yourselves.



Oh, what's that?"
Oh, yes, of course.



Well,
This ought to be sufficient."



Meh, just--shink.



Oh, thank you, sir.



The guy's so happy
To get a general amount



of some kind
of currency or another.



He didn't, like, count it.



Like, "i think you only gave me
Enough for the shovel.



There's not enough there."



That was a good time
In our economy,



When you needed to have gold
To buy shit.



We might be going back to that
Pretty soon too.



Things are pretty fucked up.



People are a little bit scared.
But you know what?



How bad could it really get?



I mean, most Americans
Have so much crap



You could lose most of it



And still be--
Have more shit



Than the average Canadian,
Even.



Like, we're the fattest
People in the world,



And we just have
All this shit,



And we hate it.



We're just miserable
With our phones.



Fucking...
[Murmurs]



Just angry all the time.



And i worry about
The economy failing,



Because we don't--
We can't even--



We're miserable
With a great life.



Like, i don't know
How the fuck



We're gonna deal with, like,



When you got to move your mom
Into the cellar and shit



And, like, have, like,
Serious problems.



Because we have, like--
Up till now,



We have white--
We have white people problems



In America,
That's what we have.



White people problems.
You know what that is?



That's where your life
Is amazing,



So you just make shit up
To be upset about.



People in other countries
Have real problems.



Like, "oh, shit,



They're cutting off
All our heads today."



Things like that.



Here we make shit up
To be upset about.



"Like, how come i have to choose
A language on the atm machine?



It's bullshit."



"I shouldn't have to do that.



I'm American."



God, the shit
We bitch about.



I called American Airlines,



And i got a xstani lady.



And she was in Pakistan.



Only people near my fat,
White body should have jobs.



I'll tell you what, though.



When i call American Airlines



And i get the Pakistani lady,



I hang up and i call again.



I do.



I'm gonna tell you honestly.



And it's not because
I don't like her,



And it's not because
She doesn't speak english,



'Cause she speaks
Way better than i do.



She's just a better person.
It's so clear.



And i know--here's why
I don't like talking to her.



'Cause i know she doesn't
Give a shit



About me and
My white people problems.



I want to talk
To the lady from Texas,



Who's--
Well, how can i help you?



That's the lady i want.



I just know when i--



[Pakistani accent]
Hello, American--



"Oh, fuck.
You don't care."



There's no way.
Why would you?



I'm in my underwear.



"Hi, i have a layover
In Dallas that's really long,



And i was wondering if--"



And she's like,
"Oh, really?



I haven't had a clean glass"
of water in ten years, okay?



"Two of my kids
Died this morning.



I still came to work,"
You fat shit.



"I can hear your fat
Over the phone.



Why don't you hang up
And kill yourself?"



Why would she care?



But we just--God.



Standing at the atm.



"I can't believe
They make me go like this.



Stupid."



What the fuck
Are you complaining about?



You push a button and money
Comes out a fucking slot.



It didn't used to be that way.



When i was younger,
You had to go in the bank.



Remember that?
You had to go inside the bank.



Now you look in the bank,



You're like, "what are those
People doing in there?



Are they cleaning?
The money's out here."



It's amazing how different
Shit is now,



And it hasn't been this way
For a long time.



It's been a very short time.



Everybody has a phone
In their pocket.



It didn't used to be
You had a phone--



Just a few years ago,



Nobody had their phone.



It was just the phone.



It was this thing, the phone,



That was in a room
In your house.



And then you had to dial
This fucking thing.



There was a rotor,



And you had to turn it
And go--



[Imitates rotary phone]



You actually hated people
With zeros in their numbers,



'Cause they made you do--



Well, this guy's got
A zero and a nine.



How badly do i want to talk
To that piece of shit?



That's too much work.



Now we have this,
Which is amazing.



We have these phones that you
Can call in an air strike.



You can look at the top
of your own head.



It's amazing, this shit,



And it's wasted
On the shittiest generation



of piece of shit assholes
That ever fucking lived.



I swear to God.
We are.



We're the worst people so far.



Because we have
This beautiful thing,



And we hate it.



We're just--
Fucking thing.



I don't--
Never saw a person going,



"Look at what
My phone can do."



Nobody does that.



They all go--
"Fucking thing, it sucks.



I can't get it to--"



Give it a second,
Would you?



Could you give it a second?



It's going to space.



Can you give it a second
To get back from space?



Is the speed of light
Too slow for you?



You non-contributing,
Product sponge cunt?



Can you just wait?



Can you just take
A little breath?



Just wait for that picture of
Axl rose to get on your phone.



Like it even fucking mattered
What you were doing.



Like it was even important.



We're all just so mad.



"I hate my phone.
It sucks!"



No, it doesn't.



It's amazing.



The shittiest cell phone
In the world



Is a miracle.



Your life sucks
Around the phone.



Why are you so mad at it?



People say
The craziest shit.



I--i hate Verizon.



What are you talking about?



How can that feeling exist?



I hate Verizon!



"Why? Did they fire you
And take away your pension?"



"No, it just--couple of times
It was weird for a second."



[Grumbles]



I hate them!



Hate Verizon.



Well, make your own, then.



You go make one.



Make your own network.



Get some hubcaps
And climb some trees.



See how close
Yours is to perfect.



Why would it be perfect?



Really,
It's as good as it is.



Why do we expect it
To be fucking perfect



All the fucking time?



We're not contributing.



We're not helping it be perfect.



We don't even know what--
What is involved.



Do you have any idea
What is involved



In taking your thing
That you said



That nobody needs
To ever hear ever,



When you go--
Hey, what's up, dude.



[Blows raspberry]



And a little, invisible,
Magic angel takes it, and--



[Whooshes]



God damn it.



Ho--"when did you
Send me that text?"



If i sent it to you
A month ago, it's amazing.



Whenever it gets to you,
It's amazing.



Whenever it gets to you



In your chosen fucking font.



It's incredible.



I don't know.
I'm not that old. I'm .



But i'm still amazed
At the shit in my life.



I'm amazed at the shit
In the world.



I was on a plane once,
Like about a month ago,



And they had high-speed,
Wireless internet on the plane,



And they had never
Done that before.



They explained to us
That we were, like,



One of the first aircraft.



And i opened up my laptop,
And i'm online.



I'm looking
At youtube and shit



While we're flying.



And then it broke down.



And the woman says, "i'm sorry,
But we have to fix the internet,



So it's down
For the rest of the flight."



The guy next to me goes,
It's fucking bullshit.



I'm, like, "dude, how does
The world owe you something



You didn't even know existed
seconds ago?"



People on planes
Are the worst.



People on planes,
They complain.



They get off the plane,
They come to your house,



And they tell you about
Your whole flight experience.



And they make it sound
Like it was fucking a--



A cattle car
In Poland in the 's.



They just make it--



"That was the worst
Day of my life.



I had to sit on the runway"



For minutes."



That's a story
In this country.



That's a fucking hardship,



That you had to sit
On the runway.



People will listen
To that story.



They'll stop doing the dishes
And turn around and go,



"Oh, my God, really?
For minutes?



That's awful.
You should sue them."



"I had to sit on the runway
For minutes."



Oh, my God, really?
What happened then?



Did you fly through the air
Like a bird?



Incredibly?



Did you soar
Into the clouds impossibly?



Did you partake
In the miracle of human flight?



And then land softly
On giant tires



That you couldn't
Even conceive



How they fucking
Put air in them?



How dare you.



Bitching about flying.



"I had to pay
For my sandwich."



You're flying!



You're sitting in a chair
In the sky.



You're like a greek myth
Right now.



"But it doesn't
Go back very far,



And it's sort of
Squishing my knees."



The Wright Brothers would
kick us all right in the cunt



If they knew.



If--if you could go back
In time to Orville Wright



And go, "hey, dude, i had to sit
On the runway for minutes."



And he'd be like,
"Oh, shit,



Well, let's
Not even bother, then."



"Hey, Wendell, shut it down.



They make you wait for a bit."



That hardly seems worth it."



There's always delays.



That's what everybody
Complains about.



There's always delays
When i fly.



Really? Delays.
It's too slow.



Air travel's too slow.



New York to California
In six hours.



That used to take years,
To do that,



And a bunch of you would die
On the way there.



You'd get shot in the neck
With an arrow and you'd go--



[Gags]
And fall down.



And the other passengers
Would just bury you



And put a stick there with your
Hat on it and keep walking.



And one of 'em
Would fuck your wife



And have three babies.



And all the old people
Would die.



You'd be a whole different
Group of people



By the time
You got to California.



Now you watch
An Adam Sandler movie



And you take a big, runny dump
And you're there.



I was, uh, i was flying
About a week ago,



And, uh, i was in the airport,



And i saw this really old man,



And he's on--
He's on a wheelchair.



I can fucking hear
That shit,



So back the fuck off.



I can hear
It in your headsets.



Just careful.
Or turn them down.



Sorry to fuck up
The entire show for that,



But i could hear--



[Imitates earpiece chatter]



"Get closer to him.



No, it's okay, it's fine."



Get closer to him.
He won't mind."



All right.
Wait a second.



[Cheers and applause]



Okay, uh,
This about where i was?



Okay.



[Audience member shouts]



That's right.
I was on a--



I was in the, um...



I was in the airport.



Ugh...



Tot--just drenched right now.



Totally drenched.



It's like i peed.
It's crazy.



Okay, so i'm in the airport,



And i'm going through security,



And they bring this old man
In a wheelchair,



And he was...



Crazy old.



I mean, he was the oldest thing
I've ever seen.



I've been
To museums and shit.



This dude...



I didn't know
There had been as much time



As this guy was old.



I mean,
He was at least forever.



He was at least that old.



Just tiny,
Little nosferatu hands



And eggy head.



Just one of those...



So frail.



It was like
Just the atmosphere



Was crushing him
Into a diamond.



Just...
[Screeches]



And they're
Pushing him through,



And i'm not the only per--



Like,
He was parting the people,



'Cause people were going,
"What the fuck?



That's crazy.
He's really old!"



And they take him
Through security,



And, you know,
If you're really old



Or you're in a wheelchair,



You can't go through
The metal detector



If you're in a wheelchair,



So they take you
To secondary clearance,



Which is far more stringent.



Like, the oldest and feeblest
People get the highest scrutiny.



So they take him over there,



And he's--i mean, he doesn't
Even look good for infinity.



He's not even like, a--



He's, like--



Got a whole thing going.



And they take him over,



And they start checking him
For weapons.



Like, thor--like,
What do you got there, huh?



Like, checking him.



And they lift him--



I swear to God,
They picked him up



Gently out of the wheelchair
By the shoulders,



And he's standing between
These two guys like this,



And they're going--
[Imitates beeping]



And i'm like, "really?
Is that the guy, fellas?



"You think that's the guy?



Do you want to maybe
Let him go?"



Let him enjoy the last
Ten seconds of his life



Doing something else.



What--what is he gonna--



Even if he pulled it off,



He deserves whatever he wanted,
Really.



What is he gonna do?



Even if he had a grenade--



Let him keep it.



And i know what they'd say.



They'd be like, "well,
Where do you draw the line?"



He--this is the line.



This guy right here,
He's the actual line.



It's very clear.



There's always somebody going
Through security who's like,



"I don't want
To take off my shoes.



Stupid."



I'm not a terrorist."



Oh, that's right.



We only make
Terrorists do that.



I'm sorry.



[Grumbles]



That's what we sound like now.



[Grumbles]



Just the whole country.



We're like
Fat eighth graders.



All of us.



Just--



Not fair.



You ever listen to people?



When i was in England,



I went into this cafe
Full of AfghaniJ people,



And they're--they just had



Crackly energy
To their language.



I don't know
What they were saying,



But it was like--
[Imitates language]



There's energy.



We don't have that anymore.



You ever listen to people?



You ever listen to what
People really sound like?



The other day i was
In some whatever coffee--



I don't know,
You can only be in six places.



Whichever one i was in.



And i'm listening to just fat
White people talk to each other.



These two fat white guys
Behind me.



One of 'em is like...



[Mumbling, slurring]



And his friend's like,
"I know, it's...



[Mumbling, slurring]



...Obama."



These two women are talking.
One of them's like...



[Higher-pitched mumbling,
Slurring]



I know, it's...



[Higher-pitched mumbling,
Slurring]



...Stephanie.



Anyway, i was listening
To the two guys,



And one of 'em used a word



That really pissed me off,



Because it was how he used it.



He used the word
Hilarious.



That's one of those words
That we use--



That we don't care
What it means.



We go right for the top shelf
With our words now.



We don't think about
How we talk.



We just say the--
Right to the fucking just--



"Dude, it was amazing.



It was amazing."



really?
You were amazed?



You were amazed by
A basket of chicken wings?



Really?



Amazing.



What are you gonna--



What are you gonna do
With the rest of your life now?



What if something
Really happens to you?



What if Jesus comes down
From the sky



And makes love to you
All night long,



And leaves the new,
Living lord in your belly?



What are you gonna call that?



You used "amazing"
On a basket of chicken wings.



You've limited yourself verbally
To a shit life.



All these words we use.



Genius.
That's--



You can--anybody
Can be a genius now.



It used to be
You had to have a thought



No one ever had before,



Or you had to invent a number.



Now it's like, "hey, i got a cup
In case we need another cup."



Dude, you're a genius.



So these guys,
They used "hilarious."



And i remember
The context exactly,



Because i had
The hate recorder



Running in
The back of my head.



I was just standing there
Fucking angry.



I'm listening to 'em.



One guy says to the other guy,



He goes, uh,
"Hey, dude, so, uh...



[Breathes heavily]



So guess who i saw today."



And his friend goes,
Who?



I swear to God
That's how he said it.



It just slid out.
Just "who?"



I was like,
"Tighten your lips up, man.



Make an effort."



Who.
That's how a person talks.



This guy,
He's just secreting words



Out of the front of his head.



Who?



[Sputtering, slurring]



So his friend goes,
I saw Lisa today.



And he goes,
That's hilarious.



How the fuck
Is that hilarious?



That you saw Lisa.



Is Lisa a poodle
On her hind legs?



How is that hilarious?



Was she standing next to
Jerry Lewis when he was younger?



How the fuck
Is that hilarious?



Do you know
What "hilarious" means?



Hilarious means so funny



That you almost went insane
When you heard that sh--



It's just so funny
That it almost ruined your life.



You're homeless now because
You can't cope or reason anymore



Because that hilarious thing



Just shattered your mind,



And three months later you got
Shit and leaves in your hair,



And you're drenched
In pee in the gutter.



That's how funny
Hilarious is.



I don't know
This Lisa cunt,



But she ain't that funny.



There's just no way.



She's that funny on sight?



Fuck her.



Seriously.
I hope she's dead.



I really do.
I hate her.



I hope she died today.



Weirdly and horribly.



I hope the person
She loved most



Pushed her off a cliff,



And she was just falling and
Screaming the whole way down,



Never accepting it.



And then Superman
swooped her up



And then dropped her
from higher.



[Laughter and applause]



I seriously hope
That happened...



To stupid Lisa.



With her one tit
bigger than the other,



And her fucking frizzy hair,



And her...



Her big nose.



Fucking Jew.



[Laughter]



What am i doing?



I've lost my mind.



Jew is a funny word,
Because--



It is.
Because "Jew" is the only word



That is the polite thing
to call a group of people



And the slur
for the same group.



Most groups
have a good and a bad--



Theirs, the same word,
Just with a little stank on it,



And it becomes a terrible
Thing to call a person.



'Cause you can say.
He's a Jew. It's fine.



but "he's a Jew."



Like, that's all it takes.



I wish the president
Would slip one into a speech



That's just on the border,



Just to fuck
With people's heads.



Just in the middle,
You know.



"We all got to get along
In this country.



We need everybody."



"blacks and whites
And christians and Jews,



And let's just try to..."



Hmm.



I don't...
Can't call him on it,



But that seemed inappropriate.



Fucking Lisa.



Fucking Lisa, man.



It's just--
It didn't deserve that.



The story didn't deserve--



Here's what he should have said.



This is what
That story deserved.



It should have been like,
I saw Lisa today.



The other guy should have said,
That happened.



That's it.
That's all it deserved.



He should have said,
That happened,



And then they just
Should have started making out.



I don't know why i wanted that.



I just wanted these
Two old fat guys



To just start blowing
Each other on the floor.



Not even gay blowing.



Just awkward,
Heterosexual sucking,



That they don't know
What they're doing.



And they don't even get hard
Partway through.



They're just sucking
Each other's soft penises.



And they're both crying,



'Cause they're embarrassed
And confused.



Now that would be hilarious.



Then you would have a story
That you could call hilarious



Without being accused
of hyperbole.



It's amazing, the stories that
People think are interesting.



And that's always one of 'em,



Is when your friend ran
Into somebody from their past,



And they can't
Wait to tell you.



And first they want
To tell you for minutes



How blown away you're gonna be



That they saw this person.



"Dude, you're not gonna believe
Who i saw today."



Yes, i am.



Course i am.



Don't even tell me.
I don't care.



"No. No, dude.



Dude!"



"When you find out--
Holy shit!



When you find out who i saw,"



"You are gonna shit in your
Father's mouth when i tell you.



I'm serious!"



"When i tell you who i saw,



You are gonna"
Kill, fuck, and eat



"Four mexican retarded kids
When i tell you who i saw today.



I'm s--you're gonna do that."



"I'm serious
That you're gonna do that.



You're not gonna--"



"You're just gonna
Rip out your asshole



And throw it on the wall."



"It's gonna stick there,



And you're gonna"
Dive through it



Into another dimension."



[Laughs]



Tell you who i saw today.



Anyway, i don't know
Why i'm such an asshole.



I really am.
I have--i'm grumpy.



I don't--i get impatient
With people quickly, you know?



I just get tired of--



When people are boring,



I want to kill them, you know,
And that's not fair.



I used to like people more,



But now i have children,



And that changes your life.



It changes your life
In a lot of ways.



Like, you spend
A lot of time with people



You never would have chosen
To spend time with.



Not in a million years.



I spend whole days
With people i'm like,



"I never would have
Hung out with you."



I didn't choose you.



Our children chose each other



Based on no criteria,
By the way.



They're the same size.



They don't give a shit



Who they make me
Hang out with.



My daughter had
A playdate the other day.



This kid comes over,
And his father brings him,



And his father
Brings his fucking face



Into my house.



And i have to ask it questions



For an hour and a half.



"Ugh. What do you do?
I don't care.



God damn it."



"What other shit
Are you passing on



To that little faggot"
You brought over here



"To play with my kid?



I don't--i hate your son."



"I hate him.



He smells."



Gets too close
When he talks.



Can i have raisins?



Yes, you can have--
Just...Stand...



Dude, i'm not--
You're not mine.



I don't love you.
Do you understand?



I don't have any--no love.



None.



I don't even have an instinct
To protect you.



I don't care if you die.



I seriously--i won't
Feel anything if you die.



I'll have to pretend.
For your dad.



I like kids.
Parents, i'm not crazy about.



Most parents--
Like, this whole country,



Our thing is the children.



We have to do it all
For the children.



And, meanwhile,
Nobody gives a shit



About how
They raise their kids.



People put minimal effort
Into it.



They have--their kids--



They're, like,
Consumers of their kids.



Like, they want to call
Customer service.



"Why does he play
Video games all day?



I don't understand
Why he plays video--"



Maybe 'cause you bought him
A fucking video game,



You idiot.



Throw it a--
Throw it away!



Who told you
That was a good idea?



A developing mind.



[Grunts]



Fucking idiots.



My kids don't even
Watch television.



And when i tell
Most other parents that,



You know what they say?



They go,
Aw, fuck you.



Why?



"Just 'cause fuck you.



Fucking hippie weirdo."



"They're gonna
Grow up weirdos.



'Cause they don't watch"
Just fucking anger and colors



Screaming in their face."



[Screams]



If your kids watch tv,



Here's what you should do.



Just--if you think
That's really a good idea



To have 'em watch tv,



Next time your kid's
Watching television,



Just come up behind them when
They don't know you're there,



And just turn it off
Without any warning.



Just go--pfft.



Watch what happens.
They go--



[Screams]



Do you think
That's a good sign?



You think it's a sign
That it's healthy for them?



That when it's taken away
They go--



[Mutters]



Because you've created
Such a high bar of stimulus



That nothing competes.



A beautiful day is shit
To a child now.



A gorgeous, panoramic day



With hawks catching fucking mice
And flying away



And bears with fucking fish
In their teeth.



And the kid's like,
"I want to watch the television!



This is nothing!"



That's what's wrong
With our kids.



They can't just stand
And be a person without--



Baa! Blah!



And then the food--



We feed them food
That tastes like insanity.



It's insanity, our food.



Do you under--you should
To be able to give a kid



An apple, and they go,
"Oh, thank you.



I love apples."



Kids can't even taste--



Apples are like paper to them.



Because we fill 'em,



We force them to eat--



People force their kids
To eat fast food.



I was in this hamburger--



This woman's, like, just
Shoving french fries in the--



Eat it!



The kid's, like,
"Mom, it's salty. It hurts.



I can't eat anymore."



"Shut up.
Have a soda."



We give them msg,
Sugar, and caffeine,



And, weirdly,
They react to those chemicals.



And so they yell, "aah."



And then we hit them.



What fucking chance
Does a kid have?



We pump the stuff in there.



Aah!
"Shut up!



Stop it."



Why are you like this?"



"'Cause i haven't had actual
Nutrition in eight years, mom.



I'm dehydrated."



"Give me water.



Pepsi's not water,"
You cunt.



"Give me a glass of water.



I'm dying."



I have sores on my tongue
All the time."



"And stop hitting me.



You're huge."



"How could you hit me?
That's crazy.



You're a giant,
And i can't defend myself."



I really think it's crazy
That we hit our kids.



It really is--here's the crazy
Part about it.



Kids are the only people
In the world



That you're allowed to hit.



Do you realize that?



They're the most vulnerable,



And they're the most destroyed
By being hit,



But it's totally
Okay to hit them.



And they're the only ones.



If you hit a dog,



They fucking will put you
In jail for that shit.



You can't hit a person



Unless you can prove that
They were trying to kill you.



But a little, tiny person
With a head this big



Who trusts you implicitly,
Fuck 'em.



Who gives a shit?



Just fucking--
Let's all hit them.



People want you
To hit your kid.



If your kid's making noise,



They'll be like,
"Hit him! Hit him!



Hit him!"



[Growls]
Hit him!"



That's right.
We're proud of it.



We tell--
I hit my kids.



That's what people say
All the time.



"You're damn right
I hit my kids."



Why--why do you hit them?



"'Cause they were doing a thing
I didn't like at the moment,



And so i hit them,"
And guess what?



They didn't do it after that."



Well, that wouldn't be taking
The fucking easy way out,



Would it?



How about talking to 'em
For a second,



You fucking retard?



How do you f--
How is that--



How is that the--



What are you, an idiot?



What are you?
A fucking ape?



"Well, i don't--
It's a pain in the ass."



Well, you fucked a woman,



And a fucking baby
Came out of her vagina.



Now you be patient.



It's not their fault.



"Well, i'm teaching 'em
That you hit things."



"It's learning the world.



You hit him,"
And he'll know...



"That i'm stronger than him,



That it hurts when my hand"
Hits his face.



"He'll know.



He'll get some wisdom"
Out of that.



Raising 'em right."



God damn it.



Look, though,
Let me say this.



If you have kids
And you do hit your kids,



I totally get it.
I'm not judging.



Let me just explain.
I get it.



Because my mom hit me.



She hit me all the time.



I don't hit my kids.



I'm not better than my mom.



It's 'cause she was poor
And i have money.



That's really all it is.



It really is.



My mom works really hard.



She was a single mom.



She'd come home all
Bent over after hours.



I'd be like, "mommy,
Nyah nyah nyah."



Shut up!



I totally get that.



I work two hours a week
Sometimes,



So it's not really fair,



And i know that.



I know there's moments
When you just fucking--



I mean, they're--
Being a parent means you have



Your back up against the wall
All the time,



Because it's the only job
You can't quit.



It's the only job
Where you can't just go--



Just put your wrench
Down and go,



"Fuck it, guys.
I'm leaving.



I don't even"
Want my last check.



I'm going home."



Anyway, i got two.



And the seven-year-old,
She's no trouble now.



That kid's amazing.
She's better than me.



She's smarter than me.
She's more decent.



She's cleaner.



Like, she comes out
of her room all dressed



With a little bow.



She's like, "hi.
Good morning, daddy."



And i'm in my underwear,
Like, "uh, hi."



I keep trying
Not to screw her up,



Because she's headed
For a great life



Unless i fuck it up.



That's basically
What's going on.



I'm not--i'm not
A father anymore.



I'm just a fat landlord.
I don't really matter.



Like, the other day, she was
Asking me all these questions.



And i totally hear--
She's asking me stuff,



And i'm just trying to tell her
What i know to be the truth.



But you can't just do that.



There's some shit
That's true



That you can't tell your kids



When they're certain ages.



I know that sounds simple,



But you don't know all the time
Until you fuck up.



I'm talking to her,
And she goes,



"Daddy, does the earth
Go around the sun?"



And i was like, "yeah."



She goes, "does it do it
All the time?"



And i go, "yeah."



She says, "will the earth always
Go around the sun forever?"



And i was like,
"Well, no, at some point,



The sun's gonna explode."



She's seven years old.



Do you understand
How horrible that is?



She started crying
Immediately.



Crying bitter tears
For the death of all humanity.



And here's how
I tried to save it.



I go, "oh, honey,
This isn't gonna happen



"Until you
And everybody you know



Has been dead
For a very long time."



She didn't know
Any of those things,



And now she knows
All of those things.



She's gonna die.



Everybody she knows
Is gonna die.



They're gonna be dead
For a very long time,



And then the sun's
gonna explode.



She learned all that
In seconds



At the age of seven.



She took it pretty well.
I was proud of her.



She's like, "oh. Dude."



[Breathes heavily]



"Okay, well...



I guess i'll go play.
I don't..."



She's had a tough year,
That kid.



I feel really bad.



Lot of bad things
Happened to her this year.



This summer,
She got bit by a pony.



I'm not kidding.



A pony bit her.



How do you more break
A little girl's heart?



Than a pony bi--



That's like being raped
By Santa Claus.



It was the worst thing
That ever happened,



And it was made worse
By the fact



That it followed the greatest
Moment of her life,



Because she'd never
Seen a pony up close.



We just never were fucking--
Shitty parents.



We never gave her,
Like, a pony ride.



And last summer
I took the kids to Italy.



I took my girls to Italy
For whatever reason.



I don't know why.



And we're in this farmhouse
In the middle of nowhere.



And i put 'em to bed,
And i come outside,



And there's ponies.



They just showed up
Out of nowhere.



Just wild ponies.



Like ponies.
I'm not fucking with you.



A huge amount of ponies.
And one donkey.



I don't know why.



There was one donkey
Hanging out with the ponies.



And they're just la--



And i'm like--
[Gasps]



And i run downstairs,
And i wake her up.



The little one, fuck her.



She's not making memories.



Who cares?
It's not worth it.



I take the seven-year-old,



And i bring her outside,



And she's standing barefoot
In her pajamas.



And it's dusk,
And it's ponies,



And she's like--
[Gasps]



And i'm like,
"I'm the best fucking father.



I'm the best father."
Yeah!



"Yeah!
Look at that shit!



That's right!
I gave that to you!"



And she starts walking out
Towards the ponies.



She's like,
"Can i go near them?



I'm like, yeah."""
I'm an idiot.



I'm like, "yeah, totally.



"Go on out there, honey.



You're only outnumbered"
to .



"What could possibly happen



In a sea of wild ponies?"



And she walks out,



And there's this one,
Beautiful, speckled pony,



And as she's
Walking towards it,



I'm an asshole,
'Cause i don't read--



It's going like--
[Snorts]



It's totally going,
"Dude, [snorts] no.



Not--i'm not one of--"
Fuck it.



"Get her out. Get her out.



I'm a--dude,"
I'm a fucking Italian wild pony.



Get her out of here."



Can i go, daddy?



I'm like, "yes, totally.
Go up to the pony."



She walks up to the pony,



And she turns to me and says,
He's beautiful.



And as she's saying that,



The pony bites her
On the fucking leg.



And she screams.



It didn't break the skin,
But it was an awful bruise.



And i grab her
And i run inside.



And she says, "why, daddy?
Why did the pony bite me?"



And i said, "i don't know."



And she said,
Do ponies bite a lot?



And i'm like, "well, yeah,"



'Cause i don't want her to think



That she's so horrible



That the first pony ever
Bit her.



I go, "yeah, honey,
Ponies bite,"



And she goes, "well,
Why did you let me near it?"



She's like, "dude,
Make a fucking effort."



And then we're in the house,
And she says--



This is how great this kid is.



She calms down,
And she goes,



"I want to look up
About ponies biting."



Like, that's how she thinks.



Something upsets her,



She wants to look it up
And learn about it.



She says, "i want to find out
Why they bite



And what people say about it."



So we go and we do look up
About ponies,



And it turns
Out they're assholes.



They bite all the time.



And there's all these websites



That talk about what to do
When your pony bites,



And it's like everything else
On the internet.



It's just fighting.
Just people angry at each other.



The first guy says,



"You got to punch the pony
Right in the face."



Just punch it
Right in the face.



Then the next person says,
"You're a terrible person.



You should have your ponies
Taken away from you."



The next person
Was my favorite.



They go, "people who don't punch
Their ponies make me sick."



So we really are
A divided nation.



The three-year-old
Is a different story.



The three-year-old,
Here's her deal.



She's a three-year-old.
That's really it.



She's three years old.



The other day
I got in a fight with her.



Whose fault is that?



I'm ,
And she's .



It's always your fault
With a three-year-old.



Always.



Because they are
Just what they are.



They can't help it.
Just tape the windows.



It's a fucking hurricane.
Just wait.



Anytime you're like this
With a three-year-old--



Don't you under--
You're an idiot.



That's you being an idiot.



Don't you understand?



"No, i don't, dad.
I haven't developed enough.



You just have to wait."



But it was partly her fault,



'Cause she wore me down.



Let me tell you
What happened.



It was this horrible,
Horrible day.



It started the night before,
'Cause she woke me up all night.



Just woke me up
Every fucking--



Just ten minutes.
Just woke me up--



Just--
Dad.



With nothing.
That's the worst part.



Daddy!
Wha--what? What is it?



Um...



"Oh, fuck you.
You got nothing.



You bullshitter, you."



So now it's the next morning,



I'm making breakfast,
And i'm gone.



I'm insane.



I drank too much coffee
To overcompensate,



And i'm like--



I keep having these moments
Where it's like--



And there's nothing there.
Just nothing.



Uh, okay. Jesus.



I'm making french toast.



She's over there
Sitting in her little chair,



Just fucking anger.



Just pure--she's
A little ball of anger.



She's like,
I want french toast!



I'm like, "yeah, that's
What i'm making, honey.



I'm making french toast."



I bring it over.
Here.



Give me syrup!



"Yes. of course.
I'll give you syrup.



I always do.
I love you very much."



Cut it for me!



"I'm happy to cut it for you.



You're not asking nicely,"
But it's okay.



"I'll cut it for you,
Baby.



I love you very much."



Then she's looking
At her plate,



And she's literally going--
[Breathing heavily]



'Cause she needs to be--
Want something.



You know, she didn't--



There's nothing logical
For her to want,



So her brain has to go
Somewhere crazy.



So she's looking
At her plate.



She goes, "i don't know
Which piece to eat!"



And i'm still not engaging.



I'm like,
"Oh, i know, honey.



That's hard."
That's really hard.



"I'll just make a list of pros
And cons for every piece,



And i'll help you
With it later."



And i look at her,
And she's walking towards me now



With the plate just vertical,



With syrup fucking
Going on the floor.



She's like,
"Help me!



You're not helping!"



And i'm standing there,
Like, looking at her,



And i love her,
And i'm proud of her in a way,



'Cause i know she'll never
Want for anything.



She'll beat the shit
Out of people.



She's...



She'll kill people for meat
After the apocalypse.



She'll be one of those.



And then later i'm trying
To get them dressed for school,



And now the clock's ticking,
And i'm like, "uh..."



And i'm trying to put
A sweater on her,



And it's impossible.



The sweater has buttons
That just don't exist.



And i'm fucking--



My fat fingers,
And they're full of sweat.



And i have just tears
Going down my cheeks.



Crazy tears.



I'm not crying.



I'm, like,
Smiling with tears.



Copious--



"I can't--
I can't put on the sweater.



I can't put on the sweater."



I can't.
I really can't do it."



And she's going like this.



So i give her a fig newton
Just to immobilize her,



Just to stop it.



'Cause she loves fig newtons.



I go, "here, honey.
Have a fig newton."



She goes, "they're not
Called fig newtons.



They're called pig newtons."



And i go,
"No, they're not.



They're called fig newtons."



And right away in my head
I'm like, "what are you doing?



"Why?
What is to be gained?



What do you care?"



Just--"yeah, pig newtons.
Fine. Go ahead.



"Good luck to you.
Go through life.



See what kind of job"
You can hold down



"With shit like that
Clanging around in your head.



I don't care.
I'll be dead."



But for some reason
I engaged.



"No, honey,
They're called fig newtons."



She goes,
"No. You don't know.



You don't know.
They're called pig newtons."



And i just--i feel this rage
Building inside.



Just...



Because it's not
That she's wrong.



She's three.
She's entitled to be wrong.



But it's the fucking arrogance



of this kid.



No humility.



No decent sense
of self-doubt.



She's not going like, "dad,
I think those are pig newtons.



Are you sure
That you have it right?"



She's not saying that.



She's not going, like,



"Dad, i'm pretty sure
Those are pig newtons,"



Which would be a little
Cunty, but acceptable.



I could deal with that.



She's giving me nothing.



"No, you don't know.



Those are pig--"



I'm like,
"Really? I don't know?



I don't know?"



"Dude, i'm not even using
My memory right now, okay?



I'm reading the fucking box"



"That the shit came out of!



It says it!"



Where are you getting
Your information?"



"How do you fuck with me
On this?



You're and i'm !"



"What are the odds that
You're right and i'm wrong?



What are the sheer odds"
of that?



"And take a bite
of the cookie.



Does it taste like"
A pork cookie, motherfucker?



"I don't think so.



Why would they call it
A pig newton?"



"What's--
Oh, it tastes like figs.



Fucking interesting,
That, isn't it?"



I didn't say a word of that.
Obviously.



But anyway, later...



Got the kids dressed.
It's winter.



We all have the layers on,



And it's time
To go to school.



And i've got ten minutes
To get to a school



That's ten minutes away,



Which is a horrible feeling.



I put my hand
On the door to leave,



And all of a sudden i go,
"I got to take a shit.



Take the coats off, kids."



"We're gonna be late.



You're gonna be"
minutes late.



I don't give a shit."



I am not walking
To school like this.



I can't use the bathroom
At the school,



'Cause child molesters
Ruined that for everybody.



Just--we're--
I'm shitting here.



So i'm sitting on the toilet.



I'm shitting.



With the door open,
By the way.



That's my life.
Two kids by myself.



I can't shit
With the door closed.



Unless i gather them
Into the bathroom



To watch daddy take a dump.



Which i've done
With the little one.



"Honey, uh, i got to poop
And you're too crazy.



Just come with me.
You got to come with me."



So i'm sitting there,
And i'm shitting,



And i'm trying to see them
In the other room.



"Honey,
Stay between the tables.



I can't see you,"
I said.



The little one
Walks into view naked.



It's all gone.
All gone.



Walks up, looks at me.



And then she--



I don't know why,
But she shows me her ass.



It's something
She always does when she's--



She just goes--



"Look at it!



Daddy,
You're not looking!"



So i'm sitting there shitting,
Looking at her ass.



[Clears throat]



And i saw something
That i'd never seen before.



And i'm gonna describe it to you
The way that i saw it,



Because it just--i didn't know
What i was looking at.



I'm looking at her little,
White ass.



She's white. Little, perfect,
Little, white ass.



And right in the center of it,



This little black dot
Just--boop!



Appeared like magic.



That's what it
Looked like to me,



Because i've never
Seen shit



Actually coming out
of an ass before.



I never saw that.



I never saw the shit--



Like, the crowning,
The shit coming out.



And if you ever do see that,



It's fucking bananas, man.



It's weird.



And upsetting.



I yelled.
I went, "aah!"



And a second later, just--



She just drops
This massive--



I felt the impact tremor
Under my feet.



This huge pile of shit.



Just a pile.



Like several people's
Pile of shit.



Like a port-a-potty on
The last day of the festival.



Just a huge,
Huge pile of shit.



How? She's three.



This kid shits like a bear.



I don't understand it.
Seriously.



If you were in the woods
And you saw a shit like that,



You'd be like, "let's get
The fuck out of here!



Run!"



Huge pile of shit.



As big as her whole body.
Easily.



I thought she would just crumple
Like a balloon on top of it.



Huh. Weird.



She's standing there just
Straddling this huge shit,



Presenting it, like...



She slips, falls
Right into her own shit.



Yes, fell--
I was there.



Fell right in the middle



of her own heap of shit.



Her head hit the floor.



You know that sound of your
Kid's head hitting the floor?



[Smacks stool]
"Ooh. Oh, God.



Uh, she's done."



"That's it for her.
She's finished.



She's gonna be running"
To the mailbox once a day.



That's about it for her."



Now she's laying
In her shit,



Screaming and crying
And making an angel.



I run over.
I'm still shitting,



Holding a
Shit-covered child.



We're the shit family.



That's what we are.



The seven-year-old's
Standing there,



"I got to get
The fuck out of here.



This is horrible."



That's my life right now,
Man.



That's--like, where in there
Do i fit, like,



Getting pussy?



Like, there's no place
For that.



I can't even think about it.



I tried to, like--



The other day i was, like,



Okay, take a sexual
Inventory here.



What do you got left,
You know?



And i went--
I took off my clothes,



And i stood in the mirror,



And i looked in the mirror,



Like, a full-length mirror,
Naked.



I'll never do that again.



I don't need--
I don't need to do it.



I can go my whole life
Without doing it again.



I'm going to.



I'm not in good shape.



I'm not in the worst shape.



I mean,
I went to a doctor,



And he gave me the whole
-year-old thing.



He's like, "all right, well,
Your cholesterol is high,



"But i don't expect you
To do anything about that.



And your prostate's"
A little bit too big.



"Let's go ahead and let it
Be a little too big.



And you're only
Cosmetically overweight."



I was like, "what?"



He goes,
"Your overweightness,



It's not a medical issue."



I'm like, "well, so then you
didn't have to say anything.



Why--why did you even
bring it up?"



You're just saying, like,
"Well, medically speaking,



You don't have a weight
problem, but you look gross."



That's what he's saying.



I'm looking at myself,



And here's the problem,



Is that i didn't even
wear down evenly.



Like, different parts
of my body



Are older than others.



Like, my dick and balls
Don't even match each other.



Like, my balls
Are older than me.



They're, like, the old--
I swear to God.



I'm .
My balls are, like, .



They're really old, and they
Just kind of hang there.



They're just hanging, like...



They look like they're being
Rescued by a helicopter



From a mountain.



[Imitates helicopter]



They've been trapped
On a mountain together.



Zipped together
In a sleeping bag.



[Shuddering]



"If we ever get out of this,



I'll never call you lefty again.
I'm sorry."



And then my dick is, like,



Happy and shiny
And young-looking.



My penis is, like, a young,
-year-old guy



Walking down with these
Two old guys following him.



Hey, man, hang back.



I'm trying to get some pussy.
Get out of here.



[Elderly voice]
Wait for us.



And at some point,
I got to show this shit



To some poor,
Unfortunate woman



That has to see this
Fucked up package of mine.



I don't know what--



Like, i'll tuck my balls
Between my legs.



"I don't have balls.
I just have a penis.



Is that okay?"



That must be weird for women,



That you don't know what kind of
Dick and balls you're gonna get



Until it's way too late.



Like, it's the last
Thing you see.



And it doesn't seem fair.



It should be the first
Thing you see.



Every date should start
With a guy taking out--



Is this gonna be okay?



"Yeah, that's fine.
It's gonna be worth my time.



Go ahead and put it away.
We'll deal with it later."



'Cause you don't--



You don't find out till you're
Looking down the barrel of it,



And it's really too late now.



Like, "oh, Jesus."



And the dick's
Looking up at you,



And it's all...



Like, "this is,
Like, a Dr. Seuss tree.



"I don't even--
It's all yellowy brown



With sprigs coming out."



And women are so nice.



I don't know a single story



of a woman who finally gets
A guy's dick out and goes,



"No. That--no.



That's not your dick."
Come on!



"Take out your penis.



That's not a penis."



That's bullshit."



They just go, "okay.
Oh, fuck.



What hole can i put this in
That'll depress me the least?"



And i have--
I have met some women



Since i been single,



And they've been younger,
Mostly,



Because women my age--



I like women my age,



But they're mostly either
Married with children



Or in a room alone,
Angry and crazy.



One or the other.



They're not out looking
To fuck a comic, generally.



But young women
Are up for something.



They'll fuck you and do
Other things later.



Like...



And also,
With younger women,



I'm in competition
With younger guys,



And younger guys
Are not very subtle.



They don't really know
How to talk to a woman



Even their own age.



They're just kind of all--



Like, penis skin's been grafted
On their whole body.



They're just--
[Mutters]



"Can i--is this...



Is this is a fuck date?"
'Cause i...



I just want to put my come
In your body."



It's just a lot of pressure.



And then the young woman
Meets me,



And i'm like, "hey, look,



"I've been jerking off in
The guest room for years.



I'm like the man"
In the iron mask.



I'm just happy to be out."



Young guys are--
They're afraid of women.



They're afraid
of their feelings.



My girlfriend's mad at me!



Well, later she won't be.



Fucking calm down.



They're afraid
of their bodies.



They're afraid
of women's bodies.



"My girlfriend's having
Her period. What do i do?"



Fuck her in the period hole,
You idiot.



What is--what's the dilemma?



I don't give a shit.



If you're having your period,
Come on over.



I'm . I'm--i'll fuck
The shit out of you.



I'll drink the blood.
Let's party.



Thank you very much, guys.



You guys--you were great.



Thank you.



[Cheers and applause]


Hello, alright... thank you, alright faggot how you doin'



Sorry, I called him a faggot.



I miss that word, k'now, I grew up saying that word and,
I mean, it never ment gay.



When I was a kid, I didn't even know what gay was,
I hadn't been told that people do that, I had no fucking idea.



Faggot didn't mean gay. When I was a kid, you called
someone a faggot because they were being a faggot, y'know.



Someone's just being a faggot. "Neee," Shut up faggot.



You're not supposed to use those for that.
Shut up faggot.



I would never call a gay guy a faggot, unless he was being a faggot. But not because he's gay, do you understand?



If I saw two guys blowing each other, I don't know why
I'm watching them do it, but if I just happened to.



I stumble upon a couple of fellas blowing one another on
their respective "penisia"



That's plural for penis that I invented today... "penisia"



I would be respectful to them, y'know, "Hello gentlemen."



But if one of them took the dick out of his mouth and
started acting all faggy and saying annoying faggy things.



You know people from Phoenix are Phoenisians or
something like that.



I'd be like "hey shut up faggot, FAAAAGGGOOT"



Quit being a faggot and suck that dick,
that's what I would say to them.



I don't know, I wouldn't call someone a mean name for sucking a dick, because if you suck a dick, that's awesome, I respect you.



Because I can't do it, I mean I haven't tried and failed, I just,
I put myself there in my mind and I couldn't do it because
I'm afraid, that's the only reason



That's why, if you can suck a dick I think that there's
a strength in being able to do that, I believe that.



I don't believe that blowing somebody comes easily to anybody,
even if it's something you generally do, every new dick
must take somethin' outta you.



There must be something you gotta do to get yourself ready,
y'know, "[clears throat] okay, here we go"



[exhales] "ahaha, you.. I'm gonna suck ya"



muahaha oookay, HERE WE GO!



So, faggot, I don't know.



A lot of words that are not bad words, but some people start
using them a lot to hurt other people and then they become
bad and become hard to use.



There's words that I love that I can't use because other
people use them wrong to hurt other people.



Like the word cunt is a beautiful word, to me there's just
beauty in that word, and I mean like asthetically it's chocolate-y
and round on the ends.



I just... cunt, I just like the way it sounds. I don't use
it as an insult, I'll be alone in the laundry like "cunt, cunt" I
just like saying it



I would never call a woman a cunt, except for my mom
because she likes it for some weird reason, but..



it's a very misused word, it's supposed to mean vagina, which
I don't think works at all because vagina's are so sweet



they're little pretty things with flow pedal-y lips. I hear
a piccalo in my head everytime I see a vagina.



Even for vaginas that's too harsh,
they should be called like "fala-lala"



There should be a butterfly fluttering around every vagina
just all the time, a little butterfly.



You go to the doctor and he's like "Well the butterfly looks good
so we're in good shape"



How do you look at something that pretty and say
That's a CUNT that doesn't fit at all.



Maybe if it was a giant vagina and it was attacking a town and throwing buses around and knocking over telephone poles



Then you can say "Hey, somebody shoot that cunt with a bazooka!"



It's gonna step on the candy store!



So, faggot, cunt. Everybody has different words that offend them. Different things that they hear and get offended by.



To me, the thing that offends me the most is when I hear someone say "the N-word"



not nigger by the way, I mean "the N-word," literally whenever a white lady on CNN says "the N-word" that's just white people getting away with saying nigger.



They found a way to say nigger, "N-word", it's bullshit because when you say "the N-word" you're putting nigger in the listener's head. That's what saying a word is.



You say "the N-word" and I go "Oh, she means nigger," you're making ME say it in my head. Why don't YOU fucking say it instead and take responsibility.



With the shitty words you wanna say, just say it, don't hide behind
the first letter like a faggot. Just say nigger you stupid cunt.



I don't know, I don't care.



Somebody'll kick my ass, I mean all this shit goes on in my head, I don't really... I thought the word nigger the other day, it wasn't even racist.



Let me tell you what happened, I went to a coffee place. It was a cool indie place, I don't like starbucks anymore because they don't care anymore.



They just press a button and some old lady's diarrhea comes out and they just give it to you.



So I go to a young people's cool coffee place with all the band's playing notice on the walls, it's called like "The Howling Dew" or something.



The dude behind the counter has like a tight t-shirt and a pony tail and he's like "hey what's up man"



And I was like "Hey can I get a cappuccino?" and he's like "Yeah, right on, totally," like he's amazed that he can help me.



Oh yeah, I got all the stuff right here, this is awesome!



And so he starts making my coffee, he worked so hard. He grounded the beans just for that one cup and put them in the thing and tamped them with this old thing



[click clakity click] and he took the milk and he frothed it like for an hour and he banged it on the counter and I don't know why but it was awesome, he scooped it in and put a little cocoa on it.



and he's like "Here ya go man," and I was just blown away and for some reason as I left there, the thought in my head was "That nigger made the shit outta my coffee"



I don't know why, he wasn't black, that was just what was in my heart for some reason was "that nigger made the shit outta my coffee"



I don't know, I don't care



I'm all sweaty, I don't feel good. I ate too much and masturbated too recently, y'know that kinda..



y'know it's bad to like jerk off and run out the door 'cause you run into somebody like "uggh, she knows," you gotta like take some time along to process the shame.



I just can't stop eating, today I weighed myself, I don't know why, I'm not using the information, it's not guiding my behaviour why am I bothering to find out exactly how much of a piece of shit I am.



I weighed myself and I usually hover around ...
today, I weight pounds, which is not okay.



You know like when you go to the doctor they give you like a formula for how much you should weigh? I'm pretty sure it's not your age plus pounds.



That doesn't seem like..



Like, I was watching a boxing match today, and both guys, they weighed a hundred and ten pounds each.



So, both of those guys still need a fat baby and a dead dog to make me.



And it's really bad 'cause I'm , and my doctor's like, "Yeah, you gotta be less people... you can't be so much... He just told me, "This is bad."



And he starts asking me about my eating habits, you know, like there's habits, like there's a pattern.



It's just chaos, and awfulness. It's just depesperate, constant... He's like, "How many meals and how many bowel movements a day?"



I'm like, I have no idea, I have no idea. It's just a blur, I'm just shittin' and eatin' all day.



I fill, pack my body to capacity and then blow it out my asshole, that's it.



Every shit is an emergency. Does that give you some idea? Of my eating habits?



And he's trying to get a handle on my... He's like, "Dude, okay look, how long, how soon into a meal do you typically feel full and stop eating?"



I'm like, "I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself. That's when I, that's when I stop."



I guess normal people eat 'til they're like, "Oh, that's, I guess that's all the nutrition I require, right there, I just reached it.



I will cease the intake now... and convert this into useful energy throughout the day."



No. Every time I eat it ends with me, "Why the fuck did I eat that? Dude, get it away, I don't wanna look at that shit, that's uggghh....



It's all right here too, it's like ucckkhhh. [exhales]



I got syrup in my veins, like for blood, I got syrup. It's gonna be bad later, ugggh." I can't take care of myself.



And I'm always, just uncomfortable. Just sweaty, and just... like, this is, such a bummer. Like... it's my nightmare, it's my whole life.



Best thing that ever happened to me was boxer briefs. I'm so happy about boxer briefs. It doesn't seem like a big deal to most people,



but before boxer briefs I was trapped between the two awful worlds of briefs and boxers.



Briefs, briefs are for a normal man with one leg here and one leg here. Two



totally separate legs, with a whole area between, and the briefs go up into this little valley, this little area,



and they come down like this, and they can just tuck up in there and just hold them nicely because he's



got all that air and negative space. But this is just, all just mashed together, just upsetting, sting-y,



red, sweaty, just like... This looks like a pig's ass when I'm naked. Like even my dick is curly like the



tail... This is a pig's ass. And I pull briefs on and they're just go "Grrrrrrunhhh!" and they just grab



my dick and balls, "Here's your balls, you fat bastard, you like that?!" And they just dig up in there



with this viciously sharp cotton, and "Owwww!" And after a while I have just this wad of just damp cloth,



just a wad of wet cotton, just like the size of a tennis ball, like a huge wad of wet cotton. And boxers were



worse because they're, just they just let everything flap around, and touch each other, and upset each other... I need everything to be segregated down here.



I went 'cause my ankle, I was like limping for a month out of no where, and the doctor, he brings me and shows me an xray of my ankle and he's like



Yeah your ankle is just worn out



I was like "What do you mean, I injured my ankle?" and he's like "No, it's just shitty now."



You see that dark area? Bleck, it's all hardened... they get like that and they're not good anymore.



I was like "Well goodbye? There's nothing? There's no option, it's just incurable shitty ankle? That's it?"



And he goes, "Well, there's things you can do... you can stretch for half hour a day you should stretch your ankle"



I was like, "How long will that take to fix it?" and he's like "No, you just do that now, that's just a new thing you do, until you and your shitty ankle both die."



I was like, "Dude this hurts a lot" and he goes, "Well you can take Aleve, just take Aleve, you can buy it and just take it, and you can take whatever amount, it doesn't matter don't pay attention to the dosage"



I'm like "really?" and he goes "Yeah, you can take a day, you'd be fine," he say take Aleve a day..



I said, "Doesn't that stuff like hurt your intestines?" he goes, "Oh yeah, it'll do some intestinal damage after a while, but you just gotta weigh that against how much you like your ankle not hurting."



This is all totally true by the way, this is exactly what happened. And at one point I was like "What if I was like an athlete or something?" he goes, "You're not an athlete.."



So no to whatever else you were about to say



It's bleak. It's harder for old people. My grandmother is , she can't see out of her left eye, it just shut off...



The last time we went to see her she's like "I can't see out of my left eye" and we're all like, "Uggh, hey what was chistmas like in the 's?"



Maybe that'd run out the clock on the eye thing if we're luck, y'know?



So I go to her doctor, he's always at the end of the hall like feet away from her. So I go to the doctor and say "She can't see out of her left eye at all."



And I swear to god he goes, "Well she's probably got a bunch of tumors in her head."



I swear to god, that's exactly what he said... I remember it because I was blown away by how none of his education he applied to this paticular diagnosis.



He said that she's PROBABLY got a bunch of tumors in her HEAD. He's a doctor and he called it her head.. he almost said "fucking head" I swear to god.



Like that's what he was thinking, "she's probably got a bunch of tumors in her fucking head, who gives a shit that old cunt will be dead in a week, I ain't gonna get up outta my desk because of her eye"



What does she need two eyes to see the shitty place you fucking put her because you don't love her enough



I ain't there yet, I'm halfway there. year old guys are not good specimens either.



I have a friend who has a lot of young girlfriends and he goes a little too young.



And it's not okay, he brings them around and you're like "Dude.. don't" like I literally pointed at her face and said "Don't fuck her, that's awful" because it's just bad, y'know?



But so he was going to hav esex with her one night and he said he wanted to go all night, like he really wanted to last a long time, so he said "I'm gonna drink a lot of milk so I can have a lot of sex"



I was like, "Who told you that that mattered?" and he goes, "Well you can cum more if you drink milk"



This guy actually thinks that you run outta cum but if you drink milk your body goes, "Oh dude that's perfect! Just send that right through"



Nobody will know the difference, just send it through



You run outta cum and milk it doesn't matter just send it right through.. spray it all over his cat's face, whatever he was doing...



What? I'll cum on my cat's face.



If she's watching, she's gonna get a face full of cum, she knows that by now. It's her fault now.



Cum on my cat's face once, shame on me...



...I don't have a cat, I never had one. I mean would cum on a cat's face I'm not trying to take that back, I just don't happen to have a cat.



I have a dog, and I had a dog when I was a teenager and... yeah, I did once, I- I made my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls.



Which is something you know can't un-know. You just know it. I did this.



And I only hesitated to start the sentence only because I wasn't sure whether to say that I LET my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls or that I MADE him...



And really, considering how much dogs love cheese I think I made him an offer that he couldn't refuse I think that's probably the fairest way to put it.



I remember it so clearly, and I remember the look on the dog's face, he was like "aww fuck, dude what's wrong with you?"



Why are you doing this to us? Just put it on a plate, why do I have to lick it off your god damn balls?



Alright fine, let's do it, I'm doing it I don't care, look you gotta live with it 'cause I'll be dead in like years I'm a dog, this is your problem.



Sorry I'm being so negative... I'm a bummer, I don't know, I shouldn't be, I'm a lucky guy I got a lot going for me. I'm healthy, I'm relatively young. I'm white which thank god for that shit.



That is a huge leg up, are you kiddin' me? Oh god I love being white, I really do. Seriously if you're not white you are missing out because this shit is thoroughly good.



Let me be clear by the way, I'm not saying white people are better. I'm saying that being white is clearly better, who could even argue?



If it was an option, I would re-up every year. "Oh I'll take white again, I'm absolutely enjoying it, I'll stick with white thank you."



Here's how great it is to be white. I can get into a time machine and go to any time and it would be fucking awesome when I get there



That is exclusively a white privilege. Black people can't fuck with time machines, a black guy in a time machine would be like "Hey anything before no thank you"



But I can go to any time, the year , I don't even know what was happening then but I know when I get there, "Welcome we have a table right here for you sir."



Thank you, it's lovely here in the year .



I can go to any time. In the past, I don't want to go to the future and find out what happens to white people because we're gonna pay hard for this shit, you gotta know that.



We're not gonna just fall from number to . They're gonna hold us down and fuck us in the ass forever.. and we totally deserve it but for now "weeeeee"



Now if you're white and you don't admit that it's great, you're an asshole



It is great, and I'm a man. How many advantages can one person have I'm a white man, you can't even hurt my feelings.



What can you really call a white man that really digs deep? "Hey cracker!" "Uggh, ruined me day, boy shouldn't have called me a cracker. Bringing me back to owning land and people, what a drag."



I am married though, that takes me down a few pegs.



The other night, my wife sent me to Walgreens to get toilet paper because we were out of toilet paper because I had thrown it all in the garbage so I could get out of the house...



So I'm driving to Walgreens, it was nightime and I see a deer and I fucking hate deer, I hate them because they're everywhere up there.



I used to live in the city and I loved deer then because I was liberal and in the city and I'd see deer when you drive out with your friends out to the country



and you see a deer and everybody is like, "Turn off the car, don't scare it, it's just so beautiful, look at the beautiful deer, look how he looks around it's just so mysterious and beautiful.



God gave us a gift everybody just enjoy the gift of the beautiful deer"



But now I live, and deer are in my fucking yard everyday and they suck, they're just rats with hooves



They don't matter. They have ticks that give you lime disease and they shit everywhere and they make a noise, did you know that? They go [scoffs]. They're assholes.



They're shit animals. I go out every morning and throw rocks at them and I try really hard to them on the head with rocks.



And they don't care, they're like [farts][scoffs], they don't care.



I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing. I wouldn't feel anything.



I'd just go, "Oh look, he's dead, that's interesting. I guess that's what happens when you shoot them in the fucking mouth."



I'd go out of my way to kill a deer, I would happily blow guys in an alley with bleeding dicks so I could get AIDS and then fuck a deer and kill it with my AIDS, I would do that in a second



I mean it, I mean it.



So I see this deer and this is how dumb they are. I hit him with my headlights and he does "DUH," that whole thing.



And they he won't just go, he's like "Can I go? Can I- Can I go?" and I'm like, "Fucking GO!" "I don't know if I can, I don't-"



Just GOOO! And I try to get away from him and then I see him and he looks at me and [AHHH] he panics.



I swear, and he ran and smashed his body into my fucking car, like just [thud]. Destroyed my mirror, just shattered my mirror. He broke his neck, I heard him break his own fucking neck.



And then he just dragged his stupid deer head into the woods and he died.



And I'm glad he's dead. I was glad right away. I got outta my car and I yelled into the woods,



I'm glad you're dead you fucking idiot! I hope your deer wife finds you dead and dies of a broken heart. I hope your deer babies starve to death, you broke my mirror you faggot, cunt, nigger deer.



So I go to Walgreens.. I just kept going.



I gotta by drugs all the time 'cause I got kids. Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.



And you get sick from them all the time. Last week I had a flu that I caught because my daughter coughed into my mouth.



Just [achoo], hit my right in the back of the throat.



I'm like, "Thank honey, I'm sick right now I can feel it already."



She did this by the way because she was trying to tell me a secret.



And she thinks you tell secrets into people's mouths.



She takes her whole face, [whispers] [coughs].



Which is inconsiderate, borderline retarded behaviour if you ask me.



And by the way, she's . years old, what secret does she really have that I really need to hear..



Like she's gonna tell me a secret and I'm gonna go "Holy shit are you serious?



Oh my god. Honey, I won't tell anybody but that is fucked up though, seriously. She got an abortion on christmas eve? Oh my god."



She's . years old, do you know what that means? Nothing that she says matters.



She's never said anything actually important in her entire life.



I literally could have missed every word this fucking kid has ever said and nothing would be different.



Everything would be exactly the same. I enjoy the things she says, they're beautiful and poetic and I love hearing them but I don't have to fucking hear any of it.



And that's an important distinction. If you're a parent, you just start making it because you can't listen to them all the time when they're talking because they're talking all the time.



And they just talk whenever, they don't give a shit what you're doing, or if it's a good time.



I'm in a shootout with the cops and she's telling me all kinds of shit.



She doesn't care because she's . They're self-absorbed people, they have no ability.. No year old goes, "No go ahead and finish, I'll tell you after it's fine." They just can't.



And sometimes it's impossible. The other day I was in New York City with my kids, and I got two of these fucking things, remember that please, of 'em.



And we're in crowded streets and I got this one here a year old and I'm carrying... She can walk but she won't, she's a bullshitter. So I'm carrying her.



And she weighs like babies, this kid. She's tiny but she's got the density of a dying sun, I don't understand how she's this heavy.



It feels like a fat raccoon holding a bowling ball, that's what she feels like.



And the pain in my shoulder is intense. And it's sending signals to my brain like, "You don't love her, just drop her, she doesn't matter just let her die."



So I'm fighting that on this side. I got the year old like this, I hope it's her I haven't looked back in about an hour. I'm just dragging somebody tiny.



Through many stranger's thighs. Breifcase corners are hitting her in the temple, I don't give a shit.



I'm in a hurry because my pocket's vibrating and my wife is calling to see where I am even though she sent me to do this shit.



And I'm yelling at my pocket like she can hear me, "I'm fucking coming, shut up!"



And this one is talking the whole time, the whole time. With a tiny voice two feet off the ground.



What? Am I gonna listen to this shit? Really?



What? Am I gonna take a knee every seconds like, "What's that sweetie? Go ahead, what's that?" "Excuse ME sir!" "Go ahead, it's fine.



Yeah. Yeah sometimes dogs are brown that's very true. It's a good thing I didn't miss any of that shit coming out of your stupid face."



What kind of a father would I be? If I pretended to listen to that.



I remember the first time my daughter said a whole sentence, that was a big deal because she had never made a whole thought by herself, she just said her little words.



I was doing the dishes and I just hear, "Daddy, I don't like chicken."



I dropped the plate, my wife and I cried and hugged. It's a big moment.



A week later, I'm making dinner and she goes, "Daddy I dont like chicken."



Well we're fucking having chicken, what are you talking about? I don't like chicken, I don't like you, I don't like people that make me work and don't appreciate what I make for them.



"You don't like chicken? Then make whatever the fuck you want, get out of your shitty little plastic chair and make your own dinner, whatever it is that you want so much.



You'll like the chicken when I shove it up your ass 'cause that's where it's going if you don't eat it, seriously."""



"I will grind it up in the KusineArt and blow it up your ass with a straw."



I got to feed her. She's gotta eat. When your kid won't eat, you just go crazy because you have a physical need to feed them, it's an instinct.



and when they're just sitting there looking at their food, you're like, "Just fucking eat it! You'll die you idiot, eat the food!"



"I don't like it." "It doesn't matter, put it in your face."



They have your footprint at the hospital, they know that I have you, I'm not allowed letting you die you piece of shit, eat it!



You have a social security number, you're on the grid motherfucker, EAT!



If you're skinny, I go to jail, do you understand?



And I love my kids and I'd die for them but my life fucking stinks.



It just does, it is what it is. When you're a parent, all the pleasures are gone.



Nobody fucks you ever again, that shit's just over. You can't sleep, you don't eat, you don't eat meals you just fast standing up, some macaroni and cheese that she didn't fucking eat, that's your dinner now."



with people yelling at you. You don't have any fun, your single friend is like, "Did you see that movie?" "NO I didn't see the fucking movie, okay?"



And you can't even enjoy being a parent because there's no pride in it because we suck at it. Everybody sucks.



We make huge mistakes and then you just go, "whoops, permanent damage there, move on I guess."



My year old has all these twitches and weird fears and I'm like, "good luck with that shit honey, that's all my handiwork"



Sorry



And it get's harder too, you think it's gonna get easier. When they're babies you think that's the hard part 'cause you gotta do everything.



You gotta feed them, you gotta put their clothes on, you gotta put them in the car, you gotta do everything.



But you think it's gonna get easier because they're gonna grow up and do all this shit for themselves, but they're not.



They're gonna grow up and be able to, but they fucking won't do it.



So it's actually easier when they're babies 'cause when you want them to eat you just take food and shove it in their face.



If you gotta put on a shoe you just take a foot and put the shoe on it.



Just pull her arms through the sweater.



Throw her in the car and kick the door closed.



And then you get the. Parent live for the tiny vacations from their kids, like when you put your kids in the car and you close their door and that little walk around to your own door.



It's like a Carnival cruise, it's just the greatest.



[relief] and you just stand at your door like, "Okay fuck that was bad, what'd I say? That shit was bad. Okay [exhales] oh hey everybody"



I was changing my daughter the other day, and she's too old for diapers now, but she's still in them and it's bad because this kid does not poop, this kid craps.



This is not okay anymore. I was changing her diaper the other day, it was like a year old alcoholic man's shit in her diaper.



Like she was out all night drinking Jager



She went to Denny's and got a grand slam



Ate half of it, got into a fight in the parking lot.



Passed out in a pontiac and shit herself.



Her friends drove her home with the windows open and dumped her on my lawn



And now I gotta clean it and it's crazy, and you can't even react and go like, "What the fuck, that's disgusting!" You'll fuck 'em up about their own shit, you gotta be nice.



You open her diaper and it's just chaos in there, it's just bananas, it's just..



Every new shit amazes me, every one I'm like, "Okay wow, wha-what is that? You have been eating diarrhea for a week I think. 'Cause that's awful."



But you can't, you gotta be like, "Oh.. wow, you really got something there honey, that's really something. That's really okay, well let me scrap that off your knees for you."



Just down off your back, let's get all this hazmat all in one place. Wipe you down, clean your tiny vagina in the end.



Who knew that THAT was gonna be my life. I had no idea that my relationship to the vagina was gonna be cleaning shit out of a tiny one several times a day.



They don't tell you that.



When you're getting ready to be a dad, nobody pulls you aside and says "You know you're gonna have to clean the vagina a lot because everytime she takes a shit it goes straight up her twat."



They don't tell you that.



Nobody tells you



And they should, it's a big part in being a dad. It's bigger than christmas, it happens everyday.



You gotta get it right, front to back. It's very important.



I'm glad I got girls though, girls are great, I don't want to clean shit off of some kid's balls. I'm glad that's not my job.



Boys, I feel weird about them. I have nephews and they play in the sprinkler naked with their little red dicks and I just don't like their little penises, it bothers me.



I just get this weird feeling like they're gonna come over and fuck my nose or something with their little dicks.



I know it's an irrational fear but it's very real to me.



I'm gonna fall asleep in a lawn chair and wake up like, "Fuck what are you doing? You're fucking my nose.."



"Neheee" "Fuck get out of there! Control your kids would ya? They're fucking my nose when I'm sleeping"



Boys are hard to raise, all my sisters have boys and I just feel for them 'cause it's really hard and really do.



Here's the thing though, girls are just as hard to raise but on a whole other level, they're different.



Here's the difference for me between boys and girls.



Boys fuck things up... Girls are fucked up.



That's the difference.



Boys just do damage to your house, that you can measure in dollars like a hurricane.



Girls like leave scars in your psyche that you find later like a genocide or atrocity.



Like my sister-in-law came over once with her little boy, he's like years old and she's been with him all day so she's in bad shape.



She's got a drink and she's like, "I can't, I can't do it anymore, I can't do it."



And I put like an army blanket around her trying to calm her down.



And then her little boy walks up to her.



He's got a handful of sand, I don't know where he got it, there's no sand in my home.



He's got a handful of it, walks up to his mom and just throws it right in her drink.



It's all she had, and he just ruined it.



Really confident too, not like this, he was like, "Yeah this shit goes right there."



And I was blown away by this because I have girls, they wouldnt even dream of doing that. It wouldn't even enter their heads that a person could do that.



But they're fucked up.



Like my year old the other day, one of her toys broke. And she demanded that I break her sister's toy to make it fair.



And I did.



That's how much shit she gave me, I broke the little toy and I felt awful I was like crying.



And I look at her and she's got this creepy smile on her face.



That's the difference between boys and girls, and it becomes the difference between men and women really



Because a man will like, steal your car, or burn your house down, or beat the shit outta you.



But a women will ruin your fucking life.



Do you see the difference?



Like a man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he'll leave you as a human being intact.



He won't fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent but they will shit inside of your heart.



My wife and I we've been married now for about years now, so we're almost done.



After years and kids you start looking at eachother like, "No. We're not gonna just keep doing this, who would do that?"



We went to therapy for a while and the therapist is like, "You should go on a date." and I'm like, "Fuck you."



And I did go on a date with my wife and I don't think I'm gonna call her again. It wasn't really fun.



Somethings do get easier as you've been married for a while, you start to understand eachother better and you start looking at yourself more.



You spend a lot of your marriage looking at the other person and trying to change them or figure them out and then you start realizing what you're bringing to the table



And you blame them less for shit, y'know? Like my wife will never fuck me again I know that now.



I just feel differently about it, I used to get mad like, "She hasn't fucked me in months, how could she do that to me?"



Now I look at myself and I'm like, "How did she fuck me for years?!" She fucked me for years!



She couldn't possibly have enjoyed most of those fucks. Which means she took about for the team. You gotta respect that shit.



'Cause it's hard for women to have sex if they don't feel like it, it's not a skill they have generally.



Men have it, that's just different, we have different sexual skills.



Men can fuck whatever, we don't care. We'll fuck you even if we don't like you, everybody knows that.



But, we'll fuck you even if we don't feel like fucking you. Even if we're not hard we'll be like, "I'll fuck you, give me a second, I'll find a way."



We don't care, we'll fuck THINGS. We'll fuck a rusty keyhole nailed to a donkey's ass, we don't give a shit.



We are jizz on demand, we just don't care.



Women have another skill that they can decide whether or not to have sex with their minds, which is amazing to me.



Women can decide not to fuck, in the middle of fucking. That is so weird to me, that they can just stop 'cause of some other shit that distracted them.



If I'm fucking you, you could show me a picture of you cutting my mom's head off.



And I'll be like, "Whoa, hmm. Soon as I cum, we're gonna have a talk about that picture."



'Cause I need to cum, I need to. Cumming is a need, I came the first time when I was and I haven't skipped a day.



I cum everyday, and I've fucked maybe times in my life so.. It's just been me doing most of the work.



I jerk off way too much and it upsets me, I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's so selfish. But I know it's bad, I know I'm hurting somebody somewhere.



I was thinking the other day that you can figure out how bad of a person you are by how soon after September th you masturbated, like how long you waited.



And for me, it was between the two buildings going down. So I had a feeling that..



I had to do it, I had to! Otherwise they win, that's the way I thought of it at the time. Strange thoughts for all of us.



I know you all waited a whole week 'cause you're awesome, but I just couldn't do it.



A boner is a boner, it's gotta go, something's gotta happen.



Boners just ruin everything and I really hate boners, I hate every one I've every had.



I remember the first one, I was . That's the worst thing about a little boy's life is that you start getting boners when you're and you don't cum for fucking years.



It's years of just vicious little boners.



That don't go away, you just pass out moaning in a ditch somewhere and you wake up and you're still hard.



It's awful! If you ever see a year old on the street just give him bucks 'cause he's very unhappy.



Or suck his dick, however you feel like you can help him out.



I remember being and being hard and not knowing why, or what to do. I just would rub my dick against stuff, that's all I did.



If I was standing infront of a car I'd just press it against the car like, "[moans] aww, it's warm from the sun, this is good"



I used to run home from school after school so I could fuck my house, I would just fuck the house.



I'd fuck the walls and the floor. If you have a year old boy at home, he's fucking your house right now.



'Cause that what we do. I had a corderoy couch, that couch was my bitch I just fucked it all day, just humping with no results just frustrated.



I used to do weird things with my dick too, I'd just like close it in the refrigerator door, I don't know why I just liked the pressure.



I liked that one side was metal and the other side was that accordion-like rubber with the magnet in it, just [moans] the cold air on my balls.



This is good, this is good, I don't know why but this is good.



I don't know how I ever got laid really, 'cause I was awful at it, I still am. I never really understood like..



There's guys that just have this confidence like when they go out with a girl they know when to lean in a kiss her and shit, I just couldn't I'd be like, "[stutters] Can I fuck you?" Just blert it out.



I remember one night, I was with a girl, I was like years old I was already doing stand up and I did a show in Washington D.C and after the show one of the waitresses came back to the hotel she was really cute.



And we're making out in my hotel and she's into it, she's like humping me, so I start putting my hand up her shirt and she stops me. So I'm like, "hm, okay."



So then we're making out more so I start putting my hand on her ass and she stops me, so after a while she went home and nothing happened.



And then the next night I saw her in the club and she goes, "Hey what happened last night?"



I was like, "What?" and she's like, "How come we didn't have sex?" I was like, "'cause you didn't want to."



She's like, "Yes I did, I was really into it." I say, "Well why did you keep stopping me?" and she goes, "'cause I wanted you to just go for it."



I was like, "What does that mean?" She says, "I'm kinda weird, I get turned on when a guy just gets frustrated and just holds me down and fucks me, like that's a big turn on for me."



I was like, "Well you should have told me! I would have happily done that for you." and she goes, "No, it has to feel real and dangerous."



I'm like, "What are you out of your fucking mind? You think I'm just gonna rape you on the off chance that hopefully you're into that shit?"



"What kind of idiot... I'm getting kinda a rape-y vibe from this girl, I don't know, I suspect she might enjoy being raped, maybe that's her thing.



I don't wanna ask first and ruin it so I'm just gonna take a shot and rape her, what the hell, what's the worst that could happen after all?"



Jesus. Anyway, that's all history. Sex for me is gone. It's just my wife and me.



And it's sad because my wife is beautiful, I love to look at her and feel for her. She's gorgeous she just turned and she's awesome.



And it's not because she looks younger than , she looks like she's on the nose. I just like that.



I never knew I would but I find it really sexy that I like "women women" she's got grey streaks in her hair and I find that sexy, I really do.



She's got strong arms from picking up the kids, she's strong and sexy on a whole other level.



She's changing, she smells different, she used to have blue eyes, they're black now! She's intense, kinda crazy looking.



All these lines in her face from all the shit I did to her. She's got character.



She looks like one of those pictures from the depression of the dustbowl farmers.



She's intense, I like it, it turns me on. That's what I like now, I like "women women."



Girls I'm done a long time ago. year old girls, god bless you, go do a shot, whatever the fuck you do with your time.



"Wooooo" That's not me anymore. I like women, and I know that's offensive to year old girls like, "I'm a woman too, I'm totally a woman."



Not to me, sorry. To me, you're not a woman until you have a couple of kids and your life is in the toilet, that's really when you become a women.



Is when people come out of your vagina and step on your dreams.



If you're still standing after that shit, you are a woman.



If you're still going to clubs and you have a pony tail and a little dress and you're standing outside of a club waiting to get in and it's degrees, you're like "It's gonna be great in there!" You're a girl.



I wanna give you a sweater and a ride home, I don't wanna fuck you. I'll jerk off to you but I don't wanna fuck you and get involved.



I do wanna fuck you but you won't fuck me so fuck you anyway.



I would, oh I'd totally fuck you. But-



There's just a difference between girls and women and it's not just age, there's a reason why they call it "Girl's Gone Wild"



You notice there's not women gone wild, 'cause no one would fucking by the wild women dvd.



Because when girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub, that's what wild women do.



They don't show their tits to no body, they fuck with their bras on, it's a whole other thing.



Try taking your year old wife's picture when she comes outta the shower, "Fuck you, get the fuck outta here."



It's not funny, you thought it would be cute like "Don't" she's like "FUCK OFF"



Sorry.. 'Cause she doesn't have tits anymore, she has breasts that need to be checked and maintained.



I get bills for my wife's breasts that's some grown up woman shit right there.



Girl's have the titties with the little perky nipples, and that's awesome. But you're not a woman until you get long chewed up nipples.



And you're not a man until you've sucked one of those fucking things either by the way.



Thank you very much folks, I hope you had a good time. Thank you, good night.


PLEASE WELCOME LOUIS C.K.!



THANK YOU.



THANK YOU.



THANK YOU.



THANK YOU, THANKS,
THAT'S VERY NICE.



HELLO, EVERYBODY.



HOW ARE YA?



WOO!



GOOD, THANKS FOR-



THANK YOU, OH, GOOD.



THANKS, THANKS FOR COMING,
THANKS FOR BEING HERE.



THANKS FOR NOT
DYING BEFORE YOU GOT HERE.



WHICH COULD'VE HAPPENED.



#NAME?
THROUGH THE TRAFFIC.



I DROVE HERE,
AND ON THE WAY HERE



I SAW A BUMPER STICKER
ON A CAR, AND IT SAID,



UH, IT SAID "TELL YOUR
GIRLFRIEND I SAID THANKS."



ISN'T THAT A LITTLE PERSONAL
FOR A BUMPER STICKER, REALLY?



A BUMPER STICKER
SHOULD BE LIKE,



"HEY, I'M IN
FRONT OF YOU, BUH-BAA,"



WHATEVER, YOU KNOW.



NOT, "HEY, I FUCKED
YOUR GIRLFRIEND."



YOU REALLY WANT THAT
ON YOUR CAR



ALL DAY FOR WHOEVER'S
BEHIND YOU?



"TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND
I SAID THANKS,"



HOW DOES HE KNOW I'M NOT BEHIND
HIM JUST GETTING MAD,



AND...



CRAZY, TAKING IT PERSONAL,
MOTHERFUCKER...



I FOLLOW HIM HOME, I GET OUT OF
MY CAR IN HIS DRIVEWAY



WITH A PIPE,
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?



THANK HER FOR WHAT, EXACTLY?



- WAIT A MINUTE,
YOU FUCKED MY GIRLFRIEND?



THEN YOU MADE THAT
BUMPER STICKER



AND FOUND ME IN TRAFFIC
AND GOT IN FRONT OF ME?



WOO!



MOTHERFUCKER.



AND I JUST BEAT HIM
TO DEATH WITH A PIPE



RIGHT THERE IN
HIS DRIVEWAY, MM, MM!



AND JERK OFF ON HIS CORPSE.



DIDN'T NEED THAT PART.
DIDN'T NEED IT.



THE STORY WAS TOTAY COMPLETE



WITHOUT THE JERKING OFF
ON THE CORPSE.



IT'S TOO LATE.



#NAME?
THE OTHER NIGHT,



IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE
BECAUSE I'M LYING.



BUT, UM-



I WAS...



- I WAS AT A BAR,
AND, UH, UM,



I WAS WAITING FOR THE BATHROOM
FOR A REALLY LONG TIME,



THERE WAS A GUY IN THE BATHROOM
AND I'M WAITING FOR HIM.



AND THEN AFTER A WHILE,



THIS GUY THAT WORKS THERE
WALKS BY, HE GOES,



ARE YOU STILL WAITING?
AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH."



SO HE BANGS ON
THE DOOR AND HE GOES,



"COME, ASSHOLE,
SHIT AND GET OUT!"



AND THEN HE WALKS AWAY.



- I WAS IN NEW YORK,
I WENT TO A-UH,



I WENT TO THIS POLISH MEAT
PLACE IN NEW YORK,



AND I GO TO THE GUY
AT THE COUNTER, I WAS LIKE,



HEY, COULD I GET A SANDWICH?



AND HE'S LIKE, "YES!"
AND HE JUST MADE ME A SANDWICH.



HEH, HEH, HEH.



THAT WAS IT, HE DIDN'T ASK ME
WHAT KIND OR ANYTHING,



HE JUST MADE IT.



IT HAD, LIKE, RAISINS
AND BONES IN IT. WHAT THE FUCK?



#NAME?
EAT WEIRD FOOD, MAN.



I WAS IN CHINATOWN, AND, UH,
YOU KNOW ONE OF THE GROCERIES-



I KNOW THAT'S NOT ANOTHER
COUNTRY, BUT, UH, YOU KNOW-



HA HA HA-



#NAME?
STORES IN CHINATOWN,



THEY'RE FOR THE CHINESE PEOPLE,
THEY EAT THEIR ACTUAL FOOD,



AND, UH, I WAS
IN ONE OF THOSE, AND THEY-



THEY HAD DUCK VAGINAS,
I SWEAR TO GOD.



A HUGE BARREL OF
FUCKIN' DUCK VAGINAS...



WITH A SCOOP STUCK IN IT.



YEAH!



- AND I'M STANDING THERE
JUST STARING AT THIS



FUCKING HUGE...



AND I'M THINKING,



COULD WE POSSIBLY DOMINATE
A SPECIES MORE THAN THAT?



- THAN THAT-WE'RE SELLING THEIR
VAGINAS IN A FUCKING BARREL.



#NAME?
LIKE, "DUDES... JESUS.



"YOU WON THE WAR,
TAKE IT EASY,



YOU DON'T HAVE TO
SELL OUR VAGINAS."



- I DIDN'T GET ANY,
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO KNOW-



WHAT IF I LOVE DUCK VAGINAS?



I DON'T WANT TO FIND OUT.



- IT'S NOT LIKE MILLIONS
OF THINGS TASTE LIKE



A FUCKING DUCK VAGINA,
IT WOULD BE VERY SPECIFIC



TO BE ADDICTED TO THAT.



NOT FOR ME.



- I HAVE THIS FRIEND,
HE HAS A PHONE THAT CAN "IM,"



HE CAN INSTANT MESSAGE, AND SO
NOW I REALLY WANT HIM TO DIE,



BECAUSE I'M SICK OF GETTING
THESE FUCKING MESSAGES



FROM HIM ON HIS PHONE.
I'M IN A SHOW STORE.



THAT'S THE WHOLE MESSAGE!



WE'RE NOT SECRET AGENTS, I DON'T
NEED TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.



SO I GET THIS
MESSAGE FROM HIM,



HE SAYS, "I'M ON AN
AIRPLANE IN SEATTLE."



SO I WROTE BACK AND I SAID,



"WELL, I HOPE
YOUR PLANE CRASHES."



#NAME?
AND HE CALLS ME,



"TAKE IT BACK, WE'RE ABOUT
TO TAKE OFF."



I'M LIKE, "FUCK YOU,
I HOPE IT CRASHES.



I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT BACK."



HOPE IT CRASHES TWICE.



HOPE IT CRASHES
AND KILLS HALF OF YOU



AND THEY GO, "FUCK IT,
LET'S Y AGAIN,"



AND THEY TAKE OFF
AND CRASH AGAIN.



I HOPE THAT HAPPENS.



SINCERELY I HOPE IT.



#NAME?
TO MAKE IT-HE GOES,



"WELL, HOW ARE YOU GONNA
FEEL NOW IF MY PLANE CRASHES



AFTER YOU WENT
AND SAID THAT?"



I'M LIKE, ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME?
THAT WOULD BE AMAZING!



TO KNOW THAT I CAN DO THAT?



I'D HAPPILY TRADE YOUR LIFE FOR
KNOWLEDGE OF MY POWERS.



HE'S ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO JUST
MAKES YOU HATE HIM,



BECAUSE, UH, YOU KNOW WHEN
YOU HAVE A FRIEND THAT YOU HATE?



YOU CAN'T BREAK UP WITH
YOUR FRIENDS, YOU KNOW?



HE ALWAYS STARTS CONVERSATIONS
THAT I DON'T WANT TO HAVE.



YOU KNOW, HE'S LIKE,
"HEY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU



HAD A TIME MACHINE?"
I'M LIKE, FUCK YOU.



I DON'T-



YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WOULDN'T USE IT.



I'D JUST LET IT
SIT IN MY HOUSE.



I'D PUT A DRINK ON IT,
YOU KNOW, I GOT A TIME MACHINE,



I NEVER EVEN WENT IN IT.



I DON'T KNOW,
I'M NOT INTERESTED.



I'D USE IT
TO GO BACK MINUTES AGO



AND PUNCH YOU IN THE FUCKING
FACE BEFORE YOU ASK ME THAT.



THAT'S ALL.



ONE USE.



SO HE GOES, "WELL,
HERE'S WHAT I WOULD DO."



'CAUSE OF COURSE THAT'S
THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT



OF ASKING ME, IS TO STARE
AT ME WHILE I SAY MINE



AND THEN SAY HIS.



SO HE SAID IF
HE HAD A TIME MACHINE,



HE WOULD'VE
KILLED HITLER, LIKE,



HE WOULD GO BACK
AND KILL HITLER.



I LOVE THAT HE THINKS
HE COULD JUST KILL HITLER



JUST 'CAUSE
HE JUST GOES BACK THERE



AND WALK UP AND KILL THE DUDE.



AND I WAS THINKING,
THAT'S A NOBLE PURPOSE



FOR A TIME MACHINE,
I WOULD DO THAT.



BUT I WOULD'VE
GONE BACK WITH HIM



BUT I WOULDN'T
HAVE KILLED HITLER.



I WOULD'VE RAPED HIM.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.



BECAUSE I THINK THAT
WOULD'VE BEEN ENOUGH,



I THINK THAT WOULD'VE STOPPED
HIM FROM DOING ALL THAT SHIT.



IF HE HAD BEEN RAPED BY ME,



HE NEVER WOULD'VE PULLED
ANY OF THAT STUFF, MAN.



SHOULD WE INVADE POLAND?



"NO, I'LL JUST TAKE A SHOWER,
I DON'T FEEL GOOD."



- LOW SELF-ESTEEM,
AND, YOU KNOW...



- I'M NOT CONDONING RAPE,
OBVIOUSLY,



YOU SHOULD NEVER RAPE ANYONE.



UM, UNLESS YOU HAVE A REASON,
LIKE YOU WANT TO



FUCK SOMEBODY AND
THEY WON'T LET YOU,



IN WHICH CASE, UH...



#NAME?
OPTION DO YOU HAVE?



HOW ELSE ARE YOU



SUPPOSED TO HAVE AN ORGASM
IN THEIR BODY



IF YOU DON'T RAPE THEM?
LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK?



HA HA HA. OK.



THAT'S FUCKED UP.



SO, HERE'S A WEIRD THING
THAT HAPPENED TO ME.



I HAVE THIS, UH,
I HAVE THIS T-SHIRT,



AND IT SAYS
AWESOME POSSUM ON IT.



AND IT'S GOT A PICTURE
OF A POSSUM.



I KNOW IT'S STUPID, BUT A FRIEND
OF MINE GAVE IT TO ME-



FUCK YOU, I BOUGHT IT.
I THOUGHT IT WAS COOL.



BUT, UH, I-



I'D NEVER SEEN ANYBODY
WITH THAT SAME SHIRT BEFORE,



WITH THE AWESOME POSSUM SHIRT,



AND I WAS IN THIS COFFEE PLACE
IN L.A., YOU KNOW,



LIKE A COFFEE-NOT LIKE, UH,
LIKE STARBUCKS,



LIKE AN INDIE COFFEE PLACE WHERE
ALL THE COOL PEOPLE GO,



AND THEY'RE LIKE, OOH-



EH-HEH-EH-HEH...



- THEY GOT THEIR, LIKE,
SNOW HATS IN THE FUCKING SUMMER



AND ALL THAT SHIT, YOU KNOW,
THOSE COOL PEOPLE.



HUH, UH, AND THEIR IPODs.



AND THEY SAY COOL THINGS LIKE,
YEAH, ME, TOO.



OR WHATEVER, YOU KNOW.



#NAME?
DOORWAY AND FUCKING HATE THEM.



I DON'T KNOW WHY
I GO TO THE PLACE,



I THINK IT'S
'CAUSE I HATE THEM.



I JUST HATE-



THERE'S A CERTAIN PART OF
THE CULTURE I JUST HATE.



'CAUSE I GREW UP IN BOSTON,
AND IN BOSTON,



PEOPLE JUST BEAT
THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER.



FOR NO REASON.



THEY JUST BEAT THE SHIT
OUT OF EACH OTHER.



BUT I KIND OF THINK
YOU NEED THAT,



YOU KNOW, TO KEEP
QUALITY CONTROL.



'CAUSE IN PLACES WHERE
THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN,



PEOPLE ARE JUSTOO FREE,



AND FUCKIN'- THEY'RE
JUST A BUMMER, YOU KNOW?



LIKE I WAS ONCE ON VENICE BEACH
AND I'M JOGGING,



AND THERE'S THIS GUY
ROLLERBLADING TOWARDS ME.



AND HE'S-HE'S GOT
ROLLERBLADES ON,



AND JUST A THONG,
JUST A FUCKING THONG,



THAT'S JUST GRABBING
THIS DICK AND BALLS



AND JUST FIGHTING WITH IT,
GOING, "AH, STAY IN THERE!"



- AND THEN HE'S JUST TOTAL
NAKED OTHERWISE,



AND HE'S GOT THIS
KENNY "G" HAIR,



AND HE'S JUST
ROLLERBLADING, LIKE-



I'M FREE!



#NAME?
HAD TO STOP JOGGING,



'CAUSE I NEEDEMY WHOLE BODY
TO FUCKING HATE THIS GUY WITH.



I HAD TO JUST...



- STAND THERE GOING,
OH, YOU MOTHERFUCKER.



#NAME?
YOU EXIST, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.



FUCKING GO SKATE INTO AN AIDS
TREE, YOU MOTHERFUCKER.



ALL RIGHT, NOW.



I DON'T KNOW, I'VE STARTED TO
KIND OF HATE PEOPLE,



AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE
I HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST THEM,



IT'S JUST I-I ENJOY IT,
IT'S JUST RECREATION.



LIKE, YOU KNOW
WHEN YOU'RE AT THE BANK



AND YOU GOT NOTHING TO DO WHILE
YOU'RE WAITING IN LINE,



SO YOU JUST PICK PEOPLE
TO HATE WHILE YOU'RE WAITING?



YOU JUST LOOK AT SOMEONE
AND FORM AN OPINION



WITH NO INFORMATION.



AND IT'S NEVER POSITIVE.



WHO FUCKING WASTES THEIR TIME-
I BET HE'S A HARD WORKER.



WHO THINKS ABOUT THAT SHIT?



#NAME?
THEN YOU FIND A GUY-



"OH, LOOK AT HIS SHOES,
WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE.



OH, LOOK AT THAT
PIECE OF SHIT,



HOPE HE DIES TODAY.
OH, GOD, I HATE HIM."



I HATE HIM!



YOU WATCH ALL THE SHIT-



"YEAH, FILL THAT OUT,
YOU FUCK FACE.



FILL IT OUT. YEAH,"
YOU FILLED IT OUT, I KNEW IT.



YOU SUCK."



HE'S JUST STANDING THERE,



HE HAS NO IDEA YOU'RE JUST
BOILING WITH HATE,



YOU KNOW?



#NAME?
SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW,



LIKE, UH, I WAS
AT THE POST OFFICE,



AND I'M AT THE LINE-YOU KNOW,
IT WAS ONE OF THOSE THINGS



WHERE THERE'S A LONG LINE
AND WINDOW OPEN.



SO EVERYONE IS
JUST LIKE, "AAH!"



EVERYONE'S MAD.



BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN THE LINE,
YOU'RE IN THE HATE GROUP.



YOU GET TO BE PART OF THE GROUP,
AND YOU'RE ALL LOOKING



AT EACH OTHER GOING,
HUH, HUH...



HMM, LIKE A SILENT MOVIE
OF IMPATIENT PEOPLE, YOU KNOW.



THEN THERE'S ALWAYS PERSON
WHO BREAKS THE SILENCE,



SOMEBODY WHO HAS AN IDEA,
YOU KNOW, LIKE-



"THEY SHOULD OPEN
ANOTHER WINDOW."



- AND EVERYBODY'S LIKE,
"YEAH, I KNOW,



TOTALLY,"
THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW.



THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW TO DO ANYTHING."



- THEN THERE'S ALWAYS
AN OLD LADY WHO HAS A STORY.



I WAS HERE ON WEDNESDAY...



- "AND THERE WAS
ALSO A LINE LIKE THIS."



HOLY SHIT, REALLY?!



OH, MY GOD,
YOU FUCKING OLD LADY,



THAT'S AMAZING!



- WELL, ANYWAY, THEN IT'S
YOUR TURN AT THE WINDOW, RIGHT?



AND NOW EVERYBODY'S
LOOKING AT YOU,



AND YOU FEEL THE SCRUTINY



OF HOW QUICKLY YOU'RE
MAILING YOUR SHIT,



YOU START REALIZING
HOW UNIMPORTANT YOUR PACKAGE IS,



AND YOU FEEL LIKE THEY CAN TELL.
"FUCK, GET OUT OF THERE.



YOU DON'T NEED TO MAIL
THAT RIGHT NOW."



AND IT'S LIKE...



- IF YOU DO LITTLE
EXTRA THING LIKE,



"DO YOU HAVE THOSE STAMPS
THAT HAVE JACKIE ROBINSON?"



BEHIND YOUR EAR, LIKE,
YOU HEAR, "PFFF, JESUS.



FUCK IT, DUDE."



THEY PUT THEIR SHIT DOWN
HEAVILY LIKE, "FUCK!



"NOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S GONNA
MAKE ME STAND HERE



WHILE HE BUYS FUCKING STAMPS"
AT THE POST OFFICE?



"ARE YOU SHITTING ME?



LET'S SHIT IN HIS"
MOUTH RIGHT NOW, SERIOUSLY.



"LET'S-YOU FUCKING HOLD
HIM DOWN, AND I WILL SHIT



DIRECTLY INTO HIS FUCKING
TIME-WASTING MOUTH."



- BUT ANYWAY, YEAH,
SO I WAS IN THE COFFEE PLACE,



UH, WITH THE YOUNG PEOPLE.



AND THEY'RE-
OOH, HEH, HEH, HEH,



AND I'M STANDING IN THE DOORWAY
JUST FANTASIZING ABOUT



WALKING AROUND JUST HITTING
THEIR CUPS TO THE FLOOR,



LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW.



BAGEL, AND COFFEE...



AND BAGEL...



HA HA HA.



AND I SEE THIS GUY,
HE'S LIKE YEARS OLD,



AND HE HAS
THE "AWESOME POSSUM" SHIRT.



JUST LIKE MINE!



SO, I WENT LIKE THIS,
I WENT, LIKE,



HEY, NICE SHIRT.



AND HE WENT, "PFFF."



AND HE WALKED AWAY,
LIKE I'M A PIECE OF SHIT.



AND I STOOD THERE,
AND I WAS SO MAD,



I JUST THOUGHT,
"FUCK HIM, MAN.



WE HAVE THE SAME SHIRT!"



IT'S AN UNUSUAL SHIRT.



IT'S PERFECTLY APPROPRIATE
TO FUCKING DO THIS SHIT.



#NAME?
FEEL LIKE AN OLD FAG



JUST 'CAUSE I WANT
TO MAKE A CONNECTION



WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING?



IS HIS GENERATION
JUST TOO COOL AND IRONIC,



"EH, OOH, THAT'S LAME.
THE OLDER GUY WANTED TO-



OOH, HEH, EH."



FUCKING YOUNG CUNT,
I HOPE HE DIES.



LIKE, THAT'S HOW-THAT'S
HOW MAD I WAS.



- AND AS I'M STANDING THERE,
LIKE, IN THAT ANGER,



I LOOK DOWN AND I REALIZE
I'M NOT WEARING THE SHIRT,



I DON'T HAVE IT-



HA HA HA HA.



I DON'T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT
I DID, I JUST-



I SAW HIS, AND-
"DUH, ME TOO, DUH!



DUH!"



HEY, THIS IS INTERESTING.
THE OTHER DAY,



A GUY TOLD ME
TO SUCK A BAG OF DICKS.



THAT WAS INTERESTING.



I NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE.



TOTAL STRANGER TOLD ME
TO SUCK A BAG OF DICKS.



A WHOLE BAG OF THEM!



HE WAS ANGRY,
HE DIDN'T JUST,



YOU KNOW,
SUCK A BAG OF DICKS,



LIKE A GREETING.



"OH, SUCK A BAG OF DICKS
TO YOU, TOO, SIR,



THANK YOU VERY MUCH."



YES.



IT'S A LOVELY DAY FOR
SUCKING SEVERAL BAGS OF DICKS.



HA HA.



NO, WHAT HAPPENED WAS,
I- I CUT HIM OFF IN TRAFFIC.



IT WAS JUST ONE OF
THOSE THINGS WHERE IT JUST-



I HAD TO GET IN, AND NO ONE
WAS IN MY CAR TO JUDGE ME,



AND I JUST FUCKING, YOU KNOW,
I JUST DECIDED-



HE'S NOT ME, SO I DON'T CARE
WHAT HAPPENS TO HIM,



AND I JUST CUT HIM OFF,



IT WAS JUST
A SHITTY THING TO DO.



AND IT WAS BAD,



'CAUSE HE WAS COMING FAST
'CAUSE HE DIDN'T IMAGINE



IN A MILLION YEARS SOMEONE
COULD BE THAT BIG OF AN ASSHOLE.



AND SO WHEN I DID IT,
HE HAD TO SLAM ON HIS BRAKES,



AND HIS DOG WENT PFF!
IN THE WINDSHIELD,



IT WAS REALLY VERY BAD.



#NAME?
AND THE WORST PART IS,



WHEN YOU CUT PEOPLE OFF,
THEY DON'T VANISH,



THEY'RE BEHIND YOU NOW, SO...



- LOOKING BACK AND HE'S LIKE,
FUCKING ASS!



AND HE'S SO MAD!



AND HE KEEPS TRYING
TO GET NEXT TO ME,



'CAUSE HE JUST WANTS TO SEE
MY FUCKING FACE.



HE'S JUST DYING,
HE'S LIKE,



"I GOTTA SEE
THIS COCKSUCKER, NOW.



I GOTTA SEE THE FUCKING FACE



OF THE PIECE OF SHIT
THAT JUST DID THAT TO ME."



AND I KEEP CUTTING HIM OFF,
'CAUSE I DON'T WANT HIM



TO SEE I'M ASHAMED OF
WHAT I DID.



NO-NOPE YOU DON'T.



FINALLY WE GET TO A RED LIGHT,
AND I GOTTA FACE HIM,



ONLY 'CAUSE THERE'S
A CAR IN FRONT OF ME,



OTHERWISE I WOULD'VE FUCKING
BLOWN RIGHT THROUGH THERE.



BUT THERE HE IS, JUST-



RR-AAH! JUST FURIOUS.



AND I'M GOING, LIKE,
"YEAH, I KNOW, IT WAS AWFUL,



I SHOULDN'T HAVE"
DONE IT.



I'M NOT MAD, I WAS WRONG,
WHY WOULD I BE MAD?"



AND HE'S LIKE,
WELL, FUCK YOU!



THEN HE STARTS GOING
LIKE THIS,



'CAUSE HE WANTS ME TO ROLL
MY WINDOW DOWN.



LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO TAKE PART
IN MY OWN ABUSE,



DURING THIS ARGUMENT.



"OH, I'M SORRY,
I DON'T WANT TO MISS THIS.



WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY
ABOUT ME, YES?"



- "HOW RUDE OF ME TO SHUT OUT
YOUR ANGER WITH MY-"



SO I DID, I ROLLED IT DOWN,
I'M INTERESTED.



- AND HE GOES, "HEY, ASSHOLE!"
I'M LIKE, "YEAH?"



HE SAYS,
SUCK A BAG OF DICKS!



THEN HE DROVE AWAY.



AND I WAS KIND OF SAD THAT HE
DROVE AWAY, BECAUSE



I HAD A LOT OF QUESTIONS.



#NAME?
A BAG OF DICKS,



IT'S JUST WEIRD.
LIKE, FIRST OF ALL,



WHEN YOU PICTURE
A BAG OF DICKS...



#NAME?
YOU PICTURE A BAG OF DICKS?



IS IT LIKE A PLASTIC BAG
AND THEY'RE ALL MUSHING TOGETHER



LIKE CHICKEN PARTS-



#NAME?
WITH SHARPIE,



KEEP IT IN THE FREEZER.



OR IS IT, LIKE, A PAPER BAG
AND THEY'RE STICKING OUT



LIKE BAGUETTES, KINDA LIKE?
YOU WENT SHOPPING-



BRINGING HOME THE BAG OF
DICKS FOR THE KIDS.



- HERE YOU GO, SUSIE,
TAKE A BLUE ONE, YOU KNOW?



HA HA HA, I DON'T KNOW,
THEY WERE HANGING



IN A WINDOW SOMEWHERE,
GIVE ME OF THOSE.



AND HOW DO YOU
SUCK A BAG OF DICKS?



WHAT DOES HE WANT
ME TO DO?



DOES HE WANT ME TO TAKE
A BAG OF DICKS



AND SUCK IT-LIKE SUCK
THE SIDE OF THE BAG?



OR DO-DOES HE WANT
ME TO OPEN THE BAG



AND SUCK EACH DICK INDIVIDUALLY?



#NAME?
LIKE EDAMAME SHELLS?



LIKE THAT?



#NAME?
COME? YOU KNOW, LIKE HOW-



- I DON'T KNOW, I NEVER
EVEN SUCKED DICK,



SO IT'S NOT AN AREA
THAT I UNDERSTAND.



I'VE NEVER-I'VE NEVER
SUCKED A DICK.



ISN'T THAT WEIRD?
I'VE NEVER SUCKED A DICK.



MY WHOLE LIFE.



THAT'S WEIRD TO ME.



IT IS, IT'S WEIRD.



BECAUSE ALMOST EVERYBODY
HAS SUCKED A DICK.



WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
MOST PEOPLE ON EARTH



SUCK DICKS.
IT'S TRUE.



BECAUSE % OF
THE POPULATION ARE WOMEN,



AND THEY SUCK DICKS,
THEN THERE'S ALL THE GAY GUYS



THAT SUCK DICKS,
THEN THERE'S ALL



THE STRAIGHT GUYS WHO HAVE BEEN
FORCED TO SUCK A DICK



UNDER VARIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES,



SO, WHAT,
THERE'S ONLY LIKE



A THOUSAND OF US
OUT THERE WHO'VE-



NEVER BLEW ANYONE.



JUST A BUNCH OF SELFISH
ASSHOLES THAT ARE FUCKIN'



GETTIN' BLOWN AND NOT
BLOWING BACK, YOU KNOW?



IT'S LIKE, THAT'S WHAT
PEOPLE DO,



WE ALL FUCKIN' SUCK DICKS AND
I HAVEN'T DONE IT, AND-



I DON'T HAVE, LIKE,
A BIG REASON NOT TO, EITHER.



I DON'T HAVE A POLICY
AGAINST SUCKING A DICK,



IT'S NOT SOMETHING
I'M AGAINST DOING,



I JUST HAVE NEVER SEEN A DICK
I WANTED TO SUCK.



THAT'S REALLY WHAT IT
COMES DOWN TO.



I'VE NEVER SEEN A PENIS
THAT INSPIRED ME TO SUCK IT.



EVERY DICK I'VE EVER
SEEN HAS BUMMED ME OUT,



I HATE 'EM, I-I HATE THEM.



THEY RUIN MY DAY
WHEN I SEE THEM,



BUT THAT'S JUST SO FAR.



- I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCK
DO I KNOW?



THERE MIGHT BE THE-THIS
GUY RIGHT HERE MIGHT HAVE



A BEAUTIFUL DICK,
THIS GUY-



IF I SAW HIS DICK...
- WOO!



- I MIGHT GO, "OH,
FUCK, THAT SHIT'S GOING



IN MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW,"
AND I'D JUST FUCKING-



AND I'D HAVE TO BLOW HIM.



#NAME?
DOWN AND BLOW HIM.



THAT'S THE KINDA-I WOULD,
LIKE, RAPE BLOW PEOPLE,



THAT'S WHAT I WOULD-LIKE,
HOLD THE GUY DOWN



AND BLOW HIM TO SPITE HIM.



THAT'S THE KIND OF SHIT
I WOULD DO.



JUST TO, YOU KNOW...



- I'M JUST SAYING
I'M NOT PREJUDICED.



I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT MANY,
THERE'S BILLIONS-



LITERALLY, BILLIONS
OF DICKS IN THE WORLD,



AND I'VE SEEN,
LIKE, AT THE MOST,



SO HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW?



WHAT, IS THAT TOO MANY?



- HA HA, YEAH,
THAT'S TOO MANY, RIGHT?



, JESUS CHRIST.



I'M ONLY , THAT'S A DICK
A YEAR PLUS ANOTHER ONE.



WHY AM I SAYING ?



THAT'S A LOT.



THAT'S LIKE BAGS
OF DICKS RIGHT THERE,



AT LEAST, DICKS?
ALL RIGHT.



#NAME?
PEOPLE, UH, UH-



JUDGING PEOPLE
FOR THE WAY THEY HAVE SEX.



SOME PEOPLE GET ANGRY AT
HOMOSEXUALS JUST FOR BEING GAY,



THEY GET MAD AT THEM, URR!



I NEVER REALLY
UNDERSTOOD THAT, YOU KNOW?



BECAUSE THEY'RE JUST
HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER.



IT'S NOT-LIKE I COULD
UNDERSTAND IF GAY PEOPLE



WERE JUST RUNNING OUT
IN THE STREETS JUST



FUCKING PEOPLE IN
THE ASS WILLY-NILLY,



JUST LIKE A PESTILENCE.



LIKE, WITHOUT ASKING,
YOU KNOW?



LIKE YOU'RE AT THE ATM,
"HEY! WHAT THE FUCK?



JESUS, GOD DAMN IT."



"SOME FAGGOT JUST
FUCKED ME RIGHT IN THE ASS.



SERIOUSLY!"



"FUCKING RIGHT THROUGH MY PANTS,
HE FUCKING RUINED MY NEW PANTS.



THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT."



- "ANOTHER ONE-
GOD DAMN IT!



I GOTTA GET THE FUCK HOME.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS."



#NAME?
DON'T DO THAT,



SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE FUCKING PROBLEM IS.



PEOPLE GET MAD.
THEY DON'T WANT THEM TO GET-



DON'T GET MARRIED.



WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
GO TO THE WEDDING.



WHAT THE FUCK? YOU DON'T HAVE
TO BUY THEM ANYTHING.



IT DOESN'T MATTER.
SOME PEOPLE GO, LIKE,



"WELL, THEN A GUY WILL
MARRY HIS DOG."



GOOD, FUCKING-I HOPE
HE BLOWS HIS DOG-



WHO GIVES A SHIT?
IT DOESN'T MATTER.



IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY EFFECT
ON YOUR LIFE.



WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU CARE?
OR PEOPLE THAT TRY



TO THINK-TALK LIKE
IT'S A SOCIAL ISSUE.



LIKE WHEN YOU SEE SOMEONE
STAND UP IN A TALK SHOW



AND SAY, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
EXPLAIN TO MY CHILD...



THAT MEN ARE
GETTING MARRIED?"



I DON'T KNOW, IT'S YOUR SHITTY
KID, YOU FUCKING TELL THEM.



WHY IS THAT-
YONE ELSE'S PROBLEM?



GUYS ARE IN LOVE
BUT THEY CAN'T GET MARRIED



'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK
TO YOUR UGLY CHILD



FOR FUCKING MINUTES?



#NAME?
YOUR SHITTY KID?



HE'S PROBABLY
A FAGGOT ANYWAY.



#NAME?
ALL RIGHT.



STUPID.



I DON'T KNOW.



THE ONLY, UM, THING THAT
BUMS ME OUT, THOUGH,



IS THAT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO LAUGH AT GAY PEOPLE



WHEN THEY'RE FUNNY.
'CAUSE SOMETIMES THEY JUST ARE.



THEY'RE FUNNY, LIKE,
I LIVED IN NEW YORK



FOR A LOT OF MY LIFE,
AND IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD,



EVERYBODY WAS GAY,
AND-AND, YOU KNOW, SOME GUYS



ARE JUST A GUY
WALKING DOWN THE STREET,



BUT SOME GAY GUYS ARE A GUY
IN LITTLE SHORTS



AND A HALF SHIRT,
AND, YOU KNOW,



COMBAT BOOTS
SPRAY-PAINTED GREEN,



AND A WHISTLE, AND HE'S
STANDING ON THE CORNER GOING,



"HELLO!
IT'S FUCKING HOT OUTSIDE."



THAT'S NOT A STEREOTYPE.



THOSE GUYS FUCKING EXIST
BY THE THOUSANDS.



AND WHEN I SEE THEM
I LAUGH REALLY LOUD,



I JUST DO.



AND PEOPLE ARE LIKE,



"DON'T LAUGH AT HIM
'CAUSE HE'S GAY."



NO, I'M NOT, I'M LAUGHING
'CAUSE HE'S FUCKING



WEIRD AND SILLY!
HE'S HILARIOUS.



#NAME?
SUPPOSED TO REACT?



HELLO!



OH, HELLO, HELLO, YES?



SERIOUSNESS IS-YES.



IT'S STUPID.



THE ONLY-ACTUALLY, THE ONE GUY
I WOULD BLOW, UH-



BASED ON-



BASED ON WHO HE IS,



IS EWAN McGREGOR. THERE IS THIS
ONE GUY OUT THERE,



I GOTTA SAY, THAT I HAVE
NO GAY INCLINATIONS



EXCEPT FOR I MET THIS
FUCKING DUDE IN PERSON,



I WAS WORKING
ON SOME AWARDS SHOW,



AND THERE HE'S
STANDING, RIGHT THERE,



AND I WAS LIKE, FUCK! LIKE,
I WAS JUST BLOWN AWAY.



LIKE, JESUS CHRIST,
HE'S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!



- AND HE LOOKED AT ME,
AND HEAS LIKE, "HELLO."



AND I WAS LIKE-
I FUCKING SHIVERED,



LIKE, I STARTED SHIVERING,
LIKE, FUCK!



HE'S FUCKIN' GORGEOUS.



- AND LIKE A WEEK LATER,
I WAS JUST-I WAS, LIKE,



STARING OFF INTO SPACE
SOMEWHERE, AND I REALIZED-



FUCK! I WAS JUST DAYDREAMING
ABOUT EWAN McGREGOR!



- LIKE, SERIOUSLY, I'M NOT GAY
IN ANY OTHER WAY



EXCEPT FOR I WANT TOUCK
THAT GUY RIGHT IN THE FACE,



I TOTALLY WANT
TO FUCK HIS FACE.



I WANT TO FUCK THE SHIT
OUT OF HIS FACE.



I WANT HIM TO FUCKE.
I DO, I WANT HIM TO FUCK ME.



OH.



I DON'T REALLY HAVE A SHOT
WITH HIM, I THINK,



BECAUSE-



HA HA HA HA!



I JUST DON'T RAPE
MOVIE STARS, I'M NOT REALLY-



I'M FUCKING FAT.



IT'S RIDIC-LIKE,
I EVEN WEAR-



LIKE, I HAVE THIS
PROBLEM NOW, MY PANTS KEEP-



LIKE, I CAN'T KEEP THEM-
THEY WON'T STAY UP,



BECAUSE-HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS.



OK, YOU GET FAT, AND SOME OF
YOU SKINNY PEOPLE-



WON'T-I DON'T
GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU,



WON'T GET THIS.
I HATE SKINNY PEOPLE BECAUSE



THEY DON'T EMPATHIZE WITH
FAT GUY PROBLEMS.



THEY JUST DON'T-LIKE, YOU EVER
HAVE A SKINNY FRIEND,



YOUR TRYING TO TELL THEM, LIKE,
I JUST-I JUST WISH



I COULD HAVE DONUT
AND FUCKING WALK AWAY,



I WISH I COULD DO THAT,
I WISH I HAD THE POWER



TO EAT A DONUT, AND...



AND YOUR
SKINNY FRIEND'S LIKE-



WELL, JUST EAT THE DONUT,
THEN, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?



YOU SHOULD TOTALLY...



#NAME?
YOU WANT ONE,



YOU SHOULD TOTALLY
GO AHEAD AND HAVE ONE.



JUST ENJOY YOURSELF,
HAVE A DONUT IF YOU LIKE THEM.



FUCK YOU, YOU DON'T GET IT.
IT'S A WHOLE-



SPIRAL THAT BEGINS
WITH THE DONUT,



LATER I'M KILLING HOOKERS,



I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER
WHAT HAPPENED.



- BUT, SO,
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS.



YOU GET FAT, AND YOUR PANTS
START TO GET TIGHT.



RIGHT? AND THEN
YOU GET FATTER,



'CAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE,
OH, I'LL STOP EATING NOW,



YOU KNOW?



- AND THEN SUDDENLY,
ALL YOUR PANTS FUCKING HURT.



LIKE, EVERY
PAIR OF PANTS HURTS.



AND THEN YOU EAT EVEN MORE,
'CAUSE IT'S LIKE,



"FUCK IT NOW, MAN,
WHO EVEN CARES?"



#NAME?
FUCKING OBSESSED WITH FOOD.



I WENT TO THIS FUCKING,
UH, UH, THING WITH



MY WIFE AND KIDS
WHERE IT WAS LIKE



THE KIDS AND THEIR KID FRIENDS
AND IT'S JUST A HOUSE



FULL OF ASSHOLES, YOU KNOW,
THAT HAVE KIDS.



AND I'M JUST STANDING THERE,



"FUCK IT, I JUST WANT
TO KILL MYSELF."



I JUST WANT A BOMB TO DROP
ON THE WHOLE HOUSE



AND TAKE US ALL OUT.



AND I GET IN THERE, BUT THEN
THERE'S A PLATE OF COOKIES.



AND, LIKE, AS SOON AS I'M LIKE,
THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING,



I'M EATING EVERY FUCKING
COOKIE ON THAT PLATE.



THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE-THAT'S
WHAT THIS ALL IS,



IS FUCKING THAT.



SO-AND YOU HAVE TO HAVE
A STRATEGY, YOU KNOW.



YOU CAN'T JUST FUCKING, UH,
YOU CAN'T JUST



FUCKING STAND THERE
AND JUST FUCKING-



- YOU HAVE TO, LIKE, SORT OF
KEEP REDISCOVERING



THE COOKIES, YOU KNOW?



YOU HAVE TO WALK OVER,
GO LIKE, "OH, HEY... "



- SO, WHO BROUGHT THOSE?
THAT'S COOL...



YOU DO THIS,
THIS MEANS, LIKE,



I TOTALLY COULD NOT EAT IT,
BUT FUCK IT, I'LL JUST-



DON'T WANT TO HURT
THE PEOPLE'S FEELINGS



WHO BROUGHT THE COOKIES.



MM, THAT'S INTERESTING,
I COULD TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.



TOTALLY FUCKING RADAR
BACK THERE.



OK, NEW PEOPLE AROUND THE DISH,
DO IT AGAIN-"HEY... "



- IF PEOPLE START NOTICING,
YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE,



"THESE ARE CRAZY, LIKE,
I'M ADDIC-



I DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT IS ABOUT THEM."



YEAH, IT'S THE FUCKING
COOKIES,



IT'S NOT
"YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT



THAT CAN'T STOP
EATING ANYTHING."



BUT, UM...



SO HERE'S
WHAT HAPPENS, THOUGH,



YOU GET FAT ENOUGH, THOUGH,
WHAT HAPPENS IS



YOUR BELLY STARTS
TO PUSH OUT LIKE THIS,



AND THEN IT PUSHES
YOUR PANTS DOWN



TO YOUR PELVIS,
'CAUSE THEY WON'T HANG



IN THE NORMAL PLACE
ANYMORE.



AND THEN DOWN THERE,
THEY FEEL LOOSE,



AND YOU START GOING,
"HEY! LOSING WEIGHT, EH?



I'M COMING DOWN!"



- "MY PANTS ARE GETTING LOOSE,
I AM GETTING THINNER.



I ATE MY WAY THROUGH TO
THE OTHER SIDE, I DID!"



- FUCK IT, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT,
I'M FAT. LOOK AT THIS SHIT.



I DON'T FUCKING CARE.
LOOK AT THAT.



- WOO!
- I DON'T CARE.



IT'S JUST A SWEATY BALL
OF FUCKING FLESH.



I DON'T CARE.



LOOK HOW FUCKED UP THIS IS, TOO,
IT GOES RIGHT IN.



LIKE, IT GOES AT A RIGHT ANGLE
AND HITS MY PELVIS.



IT DOESN'T, LIKE,
SLOPE BACK DOWN.



IT FUCKING GOES IN,
AND THEN BACK UP.



IT'S FUCKED UP.



- LIKE, WHEN I'M IN THE SHOWER
AND I'M SCRUBBING LIKE THIS,



WHEN I GET DOWN THERE,
I GOTTA TURN IN LIKE THIS,



I GOTTA ACTUALLY
MAKE A TURN.



I GOTTA FUCKIN' CUT IN...



WHERE THE CREVICE GETS
FUCKING FILTHY.



IT'S RIDICULOUS.



- IT IS, IT'S LIKE
A THEATER SEAT.



THERE'S LIKE FUCKING-
RECEIPTS AND SHIT,



AND POPCORN, AND-



- FUCKING KIDS TOYS,
AND, OH, FUCK, WHAT THE HELL?



MY BODY'S JUST FALLING APART,
MAN, I GOT TITS NOW, TOO.



I JUST GOT TITS.



#NAME?
IN A MAN'S LIFE...



WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR
AND YOU REALIZE-FUCK, I GOT-



'CAUSE YOU DON'T SEE
THEM COMING!



THEY'RE SORT OF POUTING OUT,
LITTLE BY LITTLE,



AND THEN ONE DAY, THEY JUST
FUCKING FALL A LITTLE,



AND THAT'S IT,
YOU HAVE TITS.



AND THEY'RE THERE
FOR GOOD,



THEY'RE NOT GONNA, LIKE,
GO BACK, IT'S FUCKING OVER.



THAT'S THE THING IS THAT I'M ,
I'M NOT GONNA GET BETTER.



I'M NOT GOING TO BE
ALL RIPPED WHEN I'M .



IT'S FUCKING OVER.



IT'S THIS OR A LOT WORSE
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.



BUT THE TITS WERE THE WORST,
'CAUSE I USED TO LAUGH



AT GUYS WITH TITS, THAT SHIT
AIN'T FUNNY TO ME ANYMORE.



- 'CAUSE THAT WAS
AN AWFUL MOMENT,



I'M JUST STANDING THERE LOOKING,
AND-GOT ALL THESE FEELINGS.



THEY MUST BE THE SAME
FEELINGS THAT A TEENAGE GIRL HAS



WHEN SHE GETS HER TITS!
IT MUST BE THE SAME...



IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT
A -YEAR-OLD GIRL



AND A -YEAR-OLD MAN
HAVE IN COMMON IS THAT MOMENT.



NOTHING!



HAVE TO CARRY MY BOOKS
LIKE THIS NOW.



- I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE THING IS?



I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT HOW I LOOK.



I'M BALD, I'M FAT,
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.



I'M MARRIED, I GOT KIDS,
AND MY WIFE HATES ME,



WHAT, AM I GONNA GET LAID
IF I LOSE A FEW POUNDS?



WHO FUCKIN' CARES?



LIKE I'M GONNA GET MAD PUSSY
IF I SUDDENLY LOOK BETTER?



NO. THAT SHIT IS OVER
FOR ME FOREVER.



AND I'M GLAD, I REALLY AM.
I'M RELIEVED.



NOW WHEN I SEE A BEAUTIFUL GIRL
WALKING DOWN THE STREET,



I'M LIKE, "HEY, FUCK YOU,
I DON'T GIVE A SHIT."



- EW. GO FUCK SOMEBODY ELSE,
I'LL JERK OFF TO YOU LATER,



PROBABLY HAVE A BETTER TIME.



- NOT LIKE SHE WOULD'VE FUCKED
THE SHIT OUT OF ME ANYWAY,



YOU KNOW, LIKE SHE WOULD'VE
GIVEN ME HER BEST.



I NEVER REALLY GOT THE BEST
OUT OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.



I HAD SEX WITH
A FEW BEAUTIFUL WOMEN,



AND THEY DIDN'T REALLY ROCK OUT
ON MY DICK SO MUCH.



IT WAS MORE LIKE, KIND OF LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT, WHY NOT,



GIVE IT A-HE'S KIND OF FUNNY,"
YOU KNOW, JUST SORT OF A-



BEGRUDGING FUCK



IN A WEIRD SITUATION WITH A LOT
OF REGRET AFTERWARDS.



I'VE BEEN THERE, LIKE-I WAS
IN OKLAHOMA CITY,



AND I SLEPT WITH THIS
BEAUTIFUL-BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,



SHE WAS SO HOT,
AND SHE GOT REALLY DRUNK



AND SHE FUCKED ME,
AND THE NEXT MORNING,



I WAKE UP AND SHE'S LOOKING
AT ME, SHE'S LIKE,



"OH, GOD.
OH, JESUS CHRIST.



OH, MY, I CAN'T BELIEVE
YA'LL GOT TO FUCK ME.



I CAN'T BELIEVE-"
SHE WAS BUMMED OU



I FEEL LIKE-I THINK SHE FELT
LIKE SHE HAD RAPED HERSELF



WITH MY DICK, THAT'S ACTUALLY,
LIKE, HOW SHE FELT.



- THAT'S SO WEIRD TO REALIZE
THAT YOU WERE SOMEBODY'S BOTTOM,



LIKE, YOU ARE SOMEBODY'S
PLACE THAT THEY GOT TO.



THAT THEY SAYOU IN THEIR BED
AND WENT, "OH, FUCK.



"OK, ALL RIGHT.



I GOTTA TOTALLY STOP"
ALL THIS SHIT NOW.



"FUCK...



F-I GOTTA-OH, I GOTTA"
GO BACK TO SCHOOL,



"I GOTTA FUCKIN'-



- CONCILE WITH MY DAD,
I- OH, FUCKIN' SHIT."



I NEVER HAD A PERIOD IN
MY LIFE WHERE I WAS, LIKE,



REALLY GOING HOG-WILD
WITH THE BABES.



I HAD A-IT WAS LATE FOR ME
WHEN I STARTED HAVING SEX,



I WAS BEFORE
ANYTHING HAPPENED TO ME,



UH, MY GIRLFRIEND
GAVE ME A HAND JOB.



FIRST THING THAT HAPPENED
TO ME SEXUALLY EVER,



AND I MEAN, ITAS AWESOME,
IT WAS GREAT.



BECAUSE, UH, NOBODY HAD
EVER TOUCHED MY DICK,



NOBODY IN THE WORLD
HAD TOUCHED MY DICK.



MY DICK HAD TOUCHED
A LOT OF THINGS-



BECAUSE-



THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN
YOU'RE A YOUNG BOY,



YOU TOUCH YOUR DICK TO MANY
SURFACES AROUND THE WORLD,



JUST FUCKING LOOKING FOR
ANYTHING THAT FEELS



GOOD ENOUGH-THAT, UH, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO TALK TO A GIRL.



THAT'S THE WHOLE...



BUT FINALLY I GOT THIS
GIRLFRIEND,



AND WE'RE MAKING OUT,
AND SHE REACHED DOWN,



AND SHE PUT HER HAND
AROUND MY DICK,



AND I FUCKIN' LOST-FIRST OF
ALL, I CAME IMMEDIATELY,



AND ALSO I STARTED
FARTING AS I CAME.



AND-



- HA HA HA HA,
NO-I STARTED FARTING,



IT WASN'T JUST-PH, PH, PH!



IT WAS THROUGHOUT,
AND SHE'S LAUGHING.



PHH, PHH-"HA HA HA HA!"



THAT'S HOW
MY SEX LIFE STARTED, OK?



THAT'S HOW IT STARTED.



FUCKING SHAME AND DEPRESSION.



- BEFORE THAT, I WAS, UH,
IT WAS JUST ME



MASTURBATING COPIOUSLY,
HAPPILY, I LOVED IT.



WHEN I DISCOVERED MASTURBATION,
I WAS SO HAPPY.



I LOVED IT,
EVERYBODY LOVES IT,



NOBODY'S-"UH,
THIS FUCKING SUCKS,"



IT'S PRETTY
UNIVERSALLY LIKED.



BUT, UH-



I, UM,-



I REMEMBER WHEN
I FIRST STARTED,



AND I THOUGHT I WAS
THE ONLY ONE DOING IT.



AND THEN I TOLD
MY FRIEND JEFF,



AND, UH, HE WAS DOING IT, TOO.



SO WE START-THAT'S
HIS REAL NAME, TOO,



IT'S KIND OF FUCKED UP
THAT I'M SAYING HIS NAME,



BUT ANYWAY, WE WERE-



#NAME?
ABOUT HOW WE MASTURBATED.



AND I DID IT, YOU KNOW,
WELL, I WAS ,



SO I WAS GOING
LIKE THIS, WHICH-



I ACTUALLY DID IT LIKE THIS
FOR A LONG TIME,



'CAUSE NOBODY TEACHES YOU
HOW TO JERK OFF.



SO, LIKE, EVEN ONCE MY DICK
GREW, I KEPT DOING IT LIKE THIS.



AND THEN I SAW A MOVIE
WHERE SOMEBODY WENT LIKE THAT,



AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, FUCK,
THE WHOLE HAND!



THAT IS GENIUS!"



AWESOME!



#NAME?
THINGS I EVER DISCOVERED.



I STILL SOMETIMES-THIS
IS, AH, SO SMART.



SO SMART TO USE
THE WHOLE HAND, AWESOME!



TO THIS DAY,
AND I'M LIKE, FUCKING, UH,



WHOEVER-FUCKING,
YEAH, AWESOME.



- BUT ANYWAY, JEFF DID IT
TOTALLY DIFFERENTLY.



JEFF DIDN'T, UH,
HE-WOULD LIE ON HIS STOMACH.



HE WOULD LAY ON HIS STOMACH
AND PRESS HIS DICK



INTO HIS PALM
REALLY HARD,



AND HE ENJOYED THE PRESSURE.



AND, UH, SOME KIDS
DO IT LIKE THAT,



I LOOKED IT UP-BY THE WAY,
IT FUCKS YOUR DICK UP



SO DON'T DO IT,
DON'T DO IT, IT'S-



IT DOES FUCK YOUR DICK UP,
BUT HE DIDN'T KNOW



SO HE WAS PUSHING
HIS DICK INTO HIS PALM,



AND I THINK SOMETIMES
HE WOULD PUT A BOOK



ON THE OTHER-BEHIND
HIS HAND, LIKE,



HE JUST LIKED THE PRESSURE.



AND HE COULDN'T GET
ENOUGH PRESSURE,



SO HE SAID TO ME,
MAYBE IF I SAT ON HIS ASS



WHILE HE DID THIS-



IT WOULD BE BETTER.



SO I DID, I SAT ON HIS ASS-



- AND I REMEMBER THAT MOMENT,
I'M SITTIN' ON JEFF'S ASS...



#NAME?
HIMSELF OFF,



AND I REMEMBER THINKING
TO MYSELF,



ISN'T THIS GAY
THAT I'M DOING THIS?



#NAME?
A REALLY GOOD FRIEND?



MAYBE I'JUST
A GOOD FRIEND.



- IT'S WEIRD TO THINK NOW
THAT I FUCKING SAT ON



AN -YEAR-OLD BOY'S ASS
WHILE HE MASTURBATED.



I MEAN, I WAS ,
SO IT WAS COOL.



NOW I'D GET FUCKING
CRUCIFIED FOR THAT SHIT.



HA HA HA!



I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT I HAD, BOY.



EH, LET HER GO.



ALL RIGHT, EASY... WHEEZY.



HAH, ANYWAY...



SO NOW I'M MARRIED,
AND, UH,



THE SEX IS VERY DIFFERENT
WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED



'CAUSE IT DOESN'T,
UH, EXIST, ACTUALLY.



#NAME?
OF MINE ABOUT HOW MY WIFE



AND I DON'T REALLY
FUCK ANYMORE, AND HE SAID,



"WELL, DOES SHE
BLOW YOU AT LEAST?"



WHAT ARE YOU, FUCKING HIGH?



YOU THINK SHE'S BLOWING ME?



WHO WANTS TO BLOW
THEIR HUSBAND?



WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT TO-



WHAT A BUMMER TO BLOW
YOUR HUSBAND.



YOU DON'T WANT
TO BLOW YOUR HUSBAND,



YOU WANT TO BLOW YOUR DATE,
THAT'S WHO YOU WANT TO BLOW.



YOU WANT TO BLOW
A GUY YOU'VE BEEN DATING,



AND YOU DON'T
QUITE KNOW HIM YET.



HE COMES OVER AND PICKS
YOU UP, "OOH!



"THAT'S A NEW SHIRT,
I NEVER SAW THAT SHIRT ON HIM.



IT'S VERY HANDSOME."
YOU GO TO DINNER,



HE'S LIKE,
HERE, TRY THIS.



"OH, NEW THINGS,
I LIKE NEW THINGS."



TELLS YOU SOMETHING FUNNY,
MAKES YOU LAUGH, "OOH!



HE SHOULDN'T SAY THAT,
OH, HE SHOULDN'T, OH."



TELLS YOU A SAD STORY,
OH-OH, MY GOD...



- YOU GO BACK TO HIS PLACE,
YOU SUCK HIS COCK,



AND YOU GO HOME,
THAT'S THE PROPER CONTEXT



FOR A BLOWJOB.



#NAME?
BLOW A GUY AND THEN



GO TO IKEA WITH HIM
ALL DAY, THAT'S NOT FUN.



- DO HIS SHITTY LAUNDRY,
AND THEN HE COMES OUT,



"HEY, SUCK MY DICK, OK?



WILL YOU SUCK
MY DICK RIGHT NOW?"



"YES, I'M FUCKING DYING TO SUCK
YOUR SMELLY OLD FUCKING



DISGUSTING DICK FOR"
THE THOUSANDTH TIME.



I CAN'T FUCKIN' WAIT."



- MY, UM, MY WIFE
GAVE ME A HAND JOB,



UH, THE OTHER DAY,
AND, UH,



I GOTTA TELL YOU THAT I THINK
THAT THAT HAND JOB



WAS PROBABLY THE SADDEST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED



IN AMERICA, IT REALLY WAS-
THE SADDEST FUCKING THING.



THAT HAND JOB
WAS SO TRAGIC,



THERE SHOULD BE, LIKE,
A MONUMENT TO THAT HAND JOB...



WITH A REFLECTING POOL
WHERE YOU JUST SIT AND THINK,



OH, THAT WAS FUCKING SAD.



#NAME?
PUT ROCKS ON IT



AND THINK ABOUT IT,
AND, YOU KNOW...



HA HA HA.



HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.



I'M GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT
THIS HAND JOB.



UM...



#NAME?
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY,



UH, THE BABY WAS ASLEEP
ON OUR BED,



THE -YEAR-OLD IS WHEREVER
THE FUCK SHE GOES ALL DAY-



AND, UM...



#NAME?
SITTING ON THE COUCH,



JUST SITTING THERE, JUST FUCKING
MARRIED ON THE COUCH, YOU KNOW?



JUST-AND MY WIFE LOOKED
AT ME, AND I DON'T KNOW



WHERE SHE GOT THIS SORT OF
SENSE THAT I WAS-



SHE SAID SOMETHING LIKE,



"HEY, WE HAVE TO GO TO THAT
THING FOR THE-"



AND I WAS LIKE, "OH,
WHO GIVES A SHIT?"



LIKE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS
THAT TIPPED HER OFF



THAT I WAS STARTING
TO FEEL REAL BAD-



HERE'S THE THING-
IS THAT AS FAR AS SEX,



FOR GUYS IT'S JUST NOT COMP-
WE JUST NEED TO RELEASE,



THAT'S ALL IT IS,
WE JUST-WE JUST NEED IT.



WOMEN, IT'S LIKE A FUCKING
EMOTIONAL THING,



WHERE THEY NEED-WE NEED TO COME
JUST 'CAUSE WE NEED TO,



WOMEN, IT'S LIKE
THEY GET INTO IT.



THEY SHIVER AND THEN
THEY LIE ON THEIR SIDE AND CRY



AFTER AND ALL THAT
KIND OF IT.



BUT-BUT FOR GUYS



IT'S JUST SOMETHING THAT
WE NEED TO DO SO THAT



WE WON'T MURDER PEOPLE,
THAT'S ALL IT IS, REALLY.



- JUST MAINTENANCE,
OPEN THE FUCKING VALVE



ONCE IN A WHILE, PLEASE.



THE CITY SHOULD PUT A RED TAG
ON THE DICK THAT



HAS A PSI LEVEL THAT'S
UNACCEPTABLE.



#NAME?
WAITS TILL IT'S FUCKING



WAY-LIKE,
TILL IT'S CRITICAL.



SHE LETS IT GO SO LONG,
UNTIL FINALLY



WE'RE SITTING ON THE COUCH
AND SHE LOOKS AT ME-



"OK, WE'RE GONNA ALL BE
IN THE PAPER TOMORROW



IF I DON'T FUCKING DO
SOMETHING."



SO...



SHE DOESN'T WANT TO FUCK ME,
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BLOW ME,



SO SHE LOOKS AT ME
AND SHE GOES-



"WELL... WOULD YOU LIKE
A HAND JOB?"



- I'M LIKE, "UH, YEAH,
THAT SOUNDS AWESOME."



#NAME?
DAUGHTER'S ROOM,



'CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY
EMPTY ROOM IN THE HOUSE-



- OHH!
- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?



FUCK YOU, I PAY THE RENT,



I'LL SHIT ON HER BED IF
I WANT TO. SERIOUSLY.



LET ME HAVE A FUCKING
HAND JOB IN MY HOUSE.



IT'S ALL I GET.



IT'S NOT ME, SHE WON'T
JERK ME OFF



IN THE LIVING ROOM 'CAUSE
THERE'S TOO MUCH NICE SHIT



I'M NOT ALLOWED TO COME ON.
THAT'S THE WHOLE THING.



I DON'T EVEN GET TO ENJOY
MY ORGASM,



'CAUSE THE SECOND I'M COMING
SHE'S POINTING MY DICK



AWAY FROM STUFF, "EW,
OH, CAREFUL!"



#NAME?
MY BELLYBUTTON, LIKE,



"MAKE IT GO BACK IN THERE,
CAN IT GO BACK IN?"



- ALL RIGHT, SO I'M LYING ON
THE FLOOR IN MY DAUGHTER'S ROOM,



LOOKING UP AT THE MOBILE
OF FUCKING DUCKS



IN AIRPLANES...



#NAME?
NEED WITH AN AIRPLANE?



#NAME?
GIVE A SHIT?



SO I'M LAYING THERE ON
THE FLOOR, AND MY WIFE IS JUST



SITTING NEXT TO ME,
JUST-IN HER BATHROBE,



JUST-



- AND WEIRDLY, I'M NOT
GETTING OFF ON THIS.



THE FUCKING WOMAN



GRIMACING AND TUGGING
ON MY PENIS DRYLY



WHILE BASICALLY READING
PEOPLE MAGAZINE



AT THE SAME TIME-



- IT'S NOT THAT-I'M NOT GETTING
OFF ON IT FOR SOME-



IT'S TAKING ME A WHILE
TO COME, AND SHE STARTS



GETTING IMPATIENT,
SHE'S LIKE, "COME ON!



COME ON!"



LIKE YELLING "COME ON" INTO
MY DICK, SERIOUSLY.



- AT ONE POINT,
I WANTED HER TO LICK HER PALM.



I GOT THIS IDEA,
MAYBE IF SHE LICKS HER PALM,



THERE WILL BE SOME SEMBLANCE OF
SOMETHING GOING ON.



AND SO I HAD TO-YOU GOTTA
APPROACH ASKING FOR THOSE THINGS



CAREFULLY, YOU CAN'T JUST GO,
HEY, LICK YOUR PALM!



LIKE THAT, 'CAUSE THAT'LL
RUIN WHATEVER MOOD



THERE ALREADY ISN'T.



SO, I GO, LIKE, "EHH.



"COULD YOU... MAYBE
LICK YOUR PALM?



LICK YOUR PALM?
LICK YOUR PALM?"



SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT?"



LICK YOUR PALM... LICK-



LICK... YOUR PALM...



SHE GOES, "WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU SAYING TO ME?"



YOU KNOW WHAT SHE
THOUGHT I SAID?



SHE THOUGHT I SAID,
YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR MOM.



#NAME?
THAT OUT OF MY HEAD.



I'M TRYING TO FUCKING,
LIKE, CLOSE MY EYES,



AND FANTASIZE THAT
SHE GIVES A SHIT,



NOTHING'S WORKING.



AND FINALLY SHE GOES, "HEY,
I'M GETTING REALLY TIRED."



SO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?
I FINALLY JUST TOOK



HER HAND IN MY HAND,
AND I JUST JERKED MYSELF OFF.



WITH HER HAND!



SHE'S LIKE, "OH, THANK YOU,
THAT'S MUCH EASIER THAT WAY."



THAT HAS TO BE
THE LOWEST FORM OF SEX



THAT'S EVEN FUCKING POSSIBLE!



TO JUST BE JERKING MYSELF OFF
WITH MY TIRED WIFE'S HAND.



#NAME?
THAT POINT, SERIOUSLY,



SHE MIGHT AS WELL BE
A FUCKING CORPSE.



I CAME HOME AND FOUND
HER DEAD AND-"FUCK IT,



I'M GETTING ONE MORE BEFORE
I CALL THE POLICE."



JUST ONE MORE,
WHO IS IT HURTING?



I'M NOT HURTIN' NOBODY.
I'LL CALL --.



SHE'S NOT GETTING
ANY BETTER.



COPS FIND DNA ON HER WRIST.



"HMM...



SHE GAVE HIM A HAND JOB"
AND THEN DIED OF SHAME, I THINK.



I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED."



I DON'T KNOW.



IT'S REALLY THE KIDS
THAT DO YOU IN.



WE HAVE KIDS, THAT'S FUCKING
STUPID, DON'T DO THAT,



BECAUSE YOU JUST-IT
ALSO-IT-MAINLY WHAT IT DOES



TO A MARRIAGE, IT JUST
CHANGES THE WAY THAT YOU THINK



ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE,
'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED,



WHEN YOU FIRST GET MARRIED,
YOU HAVE A RELATIONSHIP



THAT'S SO IMPORTANT TO YOU,
AND YOU'RE WORKING ON IT



TOGETHER, BUT THEN
YOU HAVE A KID,



AND YOU LOOK AT YOUR KID
AND YOU GO, "HOLY SHIT,



"THIS IS MY CHILD,
SHE HAS MY DNA,



SHE HAS MY NAME.
I WOULD DIE FOR HER."



AND YOU LOOK AT
YOUR SPOUSE AND GO,



"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
YOU'RE A STRANGER.



WHY DO I TAKE SHIT
FROM YOU?"



- BUT IT'S REALLY-IT'S THE KIDS
THAT MAKE IT VERY HARD.



WE HAVE -WE HAVE,
UH, A BABY,



AND I DON'T REALLY KNOW
THE BABY, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,



BECAUSE SHE HASN'T
SAID ANYTHING,



SO I DON'T REALLY
KNOW HER.



UH...



- I LIKE HER, SHE'S FINE,
BUT I DON'T KNOW HER.



HOW DO I KNOW
WHAT SHE'S REALLY LIKE?



MAYBE SHE FUCKIN' HATES JEWS,
I DON'T KNOW,



I DON'T KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT HER.



#NAME?
ALL THE TIME, THEY'RE LIKE,



HEY, WHAT'S YOUR BABY LIKE?



SHE'S A FUCKING BABY,
WHAT DO YOU WANT-



YOU EVER SEEN A BABY?



THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
MY BABY'S LIKE.



"BUT WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH YOUR BABY?"



#NAME?
FROM TARGET,



AND, UH...



- SHE'S GETTING AN ABORTION.
IT'S BEEN A TOUGH YEAR,



BUT OTHERWISE, YOU KNOW...



- IT'S NOT A VERY COMPLICATED
RELATIONSHIP WITH A BABY.



YOU-IT'S JUST SOMEBODY
I HAVE TO MAKE NOT DIE,



THAT'S REALLY WHAT
THE WHOLE THING IS.



AND, THERE-I'M BETTER AT IT
SOMETIMES THAN OTHERS.



UM, ONE TIME I TOOK MY DAUGHTER
TO THE GROCERY STORE,



AND I HAD TO PUT HER IN
THE STROLLER.



SHE WON'T GO ON
THE FUCKING CART.



SHE'S THE ONLY BABY
IN THE WORLD



THAT WON'T GO IN THE SHOPPING
CART AND SIT THERE.



YOU TRY TO PUT HER THERE
AND HER LEGS CURL UP,



AND SHE GOES, "WAAH!"
FUCKING PSYCHO,



SO I GOTTA PUT HER IN
A STROLLER,



AND I GOT A CART,
AND I'M PUSHING THEM BOTH



THROUGH THE FUCKING
SUPERMARKET.



AND THEN I-OK,
SO I'M DONE SHOPPING,



AND THEN I GO OUT
TO THE PARKING LOT.



AND I OPEN THE CAR-FIRST
I START THE CAR



BEFORE I PUT THEM IN THERE,
'CAUSE I WANT IT TO GET



NICE AND COOL
'CAUSE I LOVE HER,



SO I HAVE TO MAKE IT NICE
AND COMFORTABLE.



LOOK, I DO, I LOVE
MY CHILDREN, I LOVE MY WIFE,



I WISH I DIDN'T.



HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE
TO WAKE UP ONE MORNING,



"FUCK IT, I DON'T FEEL NOTHING
FOR THESE ASSHOLES,"



AND JUST WALK OUT THE DOOR.



- BUT SO FAR,
NO SUCH LUCK.



SO, I START THE A.C.,
THEN I PUT THE GROCERIES IN,



THEN I GO TO GET MY DAUGHTER
OUT OF THE STROLLER,



I GOT DOWN THERE, AND I REALIZE
THAT THE EXHAUST PIPE



IS RIGHT IN HER
FUCKING FACE,



IT'S JUST
FUCKING-BRRR!



I'M LIKE, "FUCK!"



#NAME?
IN THE DUMBEST



FUCKING WAY EVER!



- IF SHE DIED LIKE THAT,
I COULDN'T TELL HER MOM.



I COULDN'T FUCKING GO HOME
WITH THAT STORY.



"I PUT HER AND I FUCKING,
I DON'T KNOW, I-



DIDN'T REALIZE-"
FUCK YOU.



I JUST-I DON'T KNOW."



I'D HAVE TO THROW HER
INTO TRAFFIC, ELP!"



YOU KNOW, THAT WOULD
BE BETTER-



TO ACTUALLY TELL HER THAT
I THREW HER INTO TRAFFIC.



THE OTHER KID WE HAVE IS, UH,
SHE'S A GIRL AND SHE'S ,



AND SHE'S ALSO
A FUCKING ASSHOLE.



UM...



- IT'S TRUE, MAN.
I'M SERIOUS.



I SAY THAT WITH NO REMORSE.



FUCKING ASSHOLE.
SHE'S A DEUTSCHEBAG.



SHE IS!



FUCKING JERK.



THE OTHER DAY, I'M LIKE,



"PUT YOUR SHOES ON,
WE'RE TRYING TO LEAVE.



PUT YOUR SHOES ON, PLEASE."
PUT YOUR SHOES ON.



PUT YOUR SHOES ON."



HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU
SAY THAT TO SOMEBODY BEFORE



YOU JUST WANT TO KICK THEM
RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE?



SERIOUSLY, IF YOU'RE
WITH A GROUP OF PEOPLE



THAT ARE TRYING
TO GO SOMEWHERE,



AND YOU CAN'T GO-YOU CAN'T GO,
BECAUSE A MEMBER



OF YOUR PARTY JUST
REFUSES TO PUT THEIR SHOES ON,



THAT PERSON IS
A FUCKING ASSHOLE. OK?



- YOU DON'T DO THAT TO PEOPLE,
IMAGINE BEING WITH A GROUP-



HEY, WE CAN'T GO.
WHY?



"'CAUSE FUCKING BILL WON'T
PUT HIS SHOES ON,



HE JUST WON'T
PUT THEM ON."



"FUCK, BILL,
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?"



I DON'T WANT TO PUT THEM ON.



FUCK YOU!



- FUCKING KID SUCKS, SERIOUSLY,
THE OTHER DAY I'M-



I WALK IN THE KITCHEN,
SHE'S TALKING TO MY WIFE.



SHE SAYS, UH, "MAMA,
I SAW A DOGGY TODAY."



AND I WAS LIKE, "REALLY?
WHERE DID YOU SEE A DOGGY?"



AND SHE'S LIKE,
I'M TELLING MAMA, NOT YOU.



I'M LIKE,
HEY, FUCK YOU.



I'M JUST ASKING TO BE
NICE ANYWAY.



WHAT, YOU THINK I ACTUALLY



GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT THE DOG YOU SAW?



LIKE THAT WAS GONNA BE
AN AWESOME STORY



THAT YOU SAW A FUCKING DOG.



WHO GIVES A SHIT?



I GOT BETTER STORIES THAN YOU,
I HAVE AN INTERESTING LIFE.



I'M ON FUCKING TELEVISION
AND I WON AN EMMY,



YOU DON'T ASK WHAT FUCKIN'
HAPPENED TO ME TODAY,



YOU LITTLE BITCH.



NO, HA HA HA HA.



I DIDN'T SAY THAT
TO HER, OBVIOUSLY.



BUT THAT'S THE THING,



NOBODY EVER CALLS HER
ON HER BULLSHIT.



- THAT'S HOW SHE GOT TO BE
AN ASSHOLE IN THE FIRST PLACE.



NOBODY JUST GOES,
AH, FUCK YOU. YOU DON'T KNOW.



- I'D LOVE TO FOR DAY,
JUST FUCKING-



BE TOTALLY HONEST-"OH,
YOU DREW A DOG?



"LET ME SEE THAT.
THAT'S NOT HOW IT LOOKS.



ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME?"
THAT'S A SCRIBBLE.



"THAT'S NOTHING, THAT'S NOT
EVEN A ANYTHING.



SHOW ME A DOG THAT LOOKS LIKE"
THAT, I'LL GIVE YOU $,.



SERIOUSLY."



- AH, FUCKING, UH,
THE OTHER DAY I WAS JUST, LIKE



JUST DREAMING ABOUT JUST
FUCKING KICKING HER.



LIKE, KICKING HER
OUT A WINDOW, YOU KNOW,



JUST FUCKING-PFF!



#NAME?
FUCKING HURT HER,



BUT I WANT TO-I DO,
YOU KNOW?



ONE TIME MY DAUGHTER
HAD A BLACK EYE



BECAUSE, UH, SHE WALKED INTO
A DOOR 'CAUSE SHE'S STUPID.



AND, UM...



SHE HAD A LITTLE BLACK EYE,
AND I TOOK HER TO ICE CREAM-



WE WENT TO AN
ICE CREAM PLACE,



AND EVERYBODY IN
THE ICE CREAM PLACE IS LIKE,



GIVING ME A DIRTY LOOK.



AND I REALIZE,
THEY THINK I HIT HER!



AND SHE HAS
A BLACK EYE NOW,



THAT'S WHY I'M TAKING HER
TO ICE CREAM.



THAT'S WHAT THEY THINK.



AND I WAS SO INSULTED,



I WANTED TO SAY,
HEY, FUCK ALL OF YOU, OK?



SHE'S THIS BIG.



YOU INK IF I HIT HER
SHE'D HAVE A BLACK EYE?



SHE'D BE FUCKING DECIMATED!



THERE'D BE NOTHING THERE.
LOOK AT THIS SHIT.



I WOULD RUIN HER HEAD
WITH ONE PUNCH-EASILY.



SHE HAS NO DEFENSIVE SKILLS.
SHE FUCKING SUCKS.



SHE'D BE LIKE, JUST SMILING
AT ME AND-PFF!



THERE'D BE JUST FUCKING-



#NAME?
LIKE A FUCKING BOMB WENT OFF.



- I DON'T KNOW,
I LOVE MY DAUGHTER,



BUT PEOPLE REALLY
DON'T GET WHAT IT'S LIKE



WITH A KID FULL-TIME,
YOU KNOW-



WE-WE PARENTS MAKE YOU
LOVE OUR KIDS



'CAUSE WE DRESS THEM UP
AND TAKE THEM OUT.



LOOK AT HER-AND EVERYBODY
GOES, "OHH... NICE."



BUT YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT SHE'S LIKE



WHEN SHE COMES HOME,
THE DRESS COMES OFF,



SHE FUCKING RUBS
HER ASS IN MUD,



SHE'S FUCKING GROSS.



- SHE WON'T FUCKING
TAKE A BATH, LIKE, YOU CAN-



ONCE YOU HAVE A BABY,
YOU CAN'T FORCE-



FUCK HER, LET HER SLEEP
IN HER CLOTHES,



I'M NOT DEALING
WITH IT TONIGHT.



HER HAIR GETS CLUMPY,
SHE STINKS.



SOMETIMES IT'S LIKE,
FUCKING, UGH!



JUST FUCKING RANCID,
STINKY FUCKING KID.



SHE FUCKIN'-



IN FRONT OF PEOPLE-
SHE LIKE SCRATCHES HER ASSHOLE



IN FRONT OF PEOPLE, LIKE,



FUCKING DEEP ASSHOLE
SCRATCHING-



IN THE FUCKING PANTIES.



AND THEN SHE SMELLS
HER FINGER.



THAT'S THE KIND OF
PERSON I'M TALKING ABOUT.



SHE'S DISGUSTING!



- THE OTHER DAY, I COME HOME,
AND SHE'S JUST LAYING



ON THE CARPET WITH
JUST-SPREAD EAGLE NAKED,



AND SHE'S JUST STRETCHING
HER VAGINA OPEN,



GOING, "AAH!"



JUST FUCKING-



#NAME?
I'M LIKE, FUCK!



SHIT, OK.



WOW.



THAT'S... WOW.



- DON'T REACT.
I CAN'T-I CAN'T GO,



AAH! I CAN'T DO THAT,
THAT'LL FUCK HER UP.



JUST GO, HELLO,
HI, HOW ARE YOU?



HI, HOW'S SCHOOL? OK.



AAH!



- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK
TO DO ABOUT IT, EITHER.



'CAUSE SHE DOES IT
ALL THE TIME, AND I CAN'T-



I DON'T WANT TO STOP HER!
'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?



SHE'S HAPPY.



THAT'S THE HAPPIEST
I'VE EVER SEEN ANY PERSON



IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
THAT'S A FUCKING HUMAN BEING



AT THEIR HAPPIEST,
JUST, "AAH!"



THAT'S WHAT WE ALL WISH
WE COULD DO!



WE SHOULD ALL
BE DOING THAT, BUT-



#NAME?
STOP IT, THOUGH,



'CAUSE SHE'LL BE
FUCKING HOMELESS



IF SHE DOESN'T CUT
THIS SHIT.



- SO, YEAH,
IT'S FUCKIN'...



MY WIFE, UM,



TOOK THE KIDS OUT
THE OTHER DAY WHEN SHE-



SHE JUST-THE MOST
AMAZING THING IS WHEN-



WHEN YOU GET TO BE
ALONE IN YOUR HOUSE.



AS A DAD, YOU NEVER GET TO BE
ALONE. OR AS A M.



BUT WHEN THE OTHER PARENT
TAKES THE KIDS OUT,



AND YOU'RE ALONE,
THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME.



AND I THINK
I'M GETTING OLDER,



'CAUSE THE WAY I USE THAT TIME
HAS TOTALLY CHANGED.



I USED TO HAVE, YOU KNOW,
JERK FEST ,



ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME?



JERKING OFF
IN MY OWN HOUSE...



ALONE, IN MY OWN BED...



TAKING MY TIME,
GO THROUGH MY WIFE'S SHIT



FOR PICTURES OF HER FRIENDS
I WANT TO FUCK,



EVERYTHING WAS AWESOME!



- BUT I'M OLDER NOW,
SO I DON'T DO THAT.



I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT.



NOW WHEN EVERYBODY LEAVES,
YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?



I JUST SHIT FOR HOURS.
I TAKE A BIG, LONG-



BEAUTIFULLY PRIVATE SHIT,



WITH NOBODY FUCKING WITH ME.
THAT'S MY DREAM-



IN LIFE-
IS TO TAKE A SHIT



WITHOUT PEOPLE
FUCKING WITH ME.



'CAUSE WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS,
FIRST OF ALL,



THE OTHER PARENT STARTS
BANGING AWAY ON THE DOOR,



"GET OUT OF THERE!
HELP ME!"



- OR MY -YEAR-OLD WALKS IN
WHILE I'M SHITTING.



SHE JUST FUCKING
WALKS IN THE ROOM



AND DOES A LITTLE DANCE.



- I'M LIKE,
GET OUT OF HERE!



MY ASSHOLE IS THIS BIG, I'M
PUSHING A SHIT OUT RIGHT NOW,



I DON'T WANT TO SEE
A CUTE FACE AT THIS MOMENT.



THAT'S TRAUMATIZING.



- AND I-AND SO WHEN THEY LEAVE,
EVEN IF I DON'T HAVE TO,



I JUST SHIT FOR A FUCKING HOUR,
MY ASS DRIES OUT,



I DON'T CARE. I STAY THERE
'CAUSE I LOVE SHITTING.



THAT'S HOW OLD I AM,
I LOVE TO SHIT.



IT'S MY FAVORITE THING.



I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY
CALL IT NUMBER ,



I THINK IT'S EASILY
THE BEST ONE.



IN MY BOOK, IT'S NUMBER .



HA HA.



BUT, UH, NO, IT'S-



IT'S HARD, HAVING KIDS
AND BEING MARRIED,



IT'S DIFFICULT, AND,
YOU KNOW, WHATEVER, BUT-



ONE THING THAT'S
MADE ME-IT'S IMPOSSIBLE



FOR ME TO HAVE ANY SYMPATHY
FOR SINGLE PEOPLE.



I JUST DON'T GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT SINGLE PEOPLE.



I DON'T DISLIKE SINGLE PEOPLE,
BUT I DON'T GET-



WHENEVER SINGLE PEOPLE
COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING,



I REALLY WANT THEM TO JUST
SHUT THE FUCK UP.



BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL,
IF YOU'RE SINGLE,



YOU LIFE HAS NO CONSEQUENCE
ON THE EARTH.



EVEN IF YOU'RE HELPING
PEOPLE AGGRESSIVELY,



WHICH YOU'RE
FUCKING NOT,



NOBODY GIVES A SHIT
WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU.



YOU CAN DIE, AND IT
ACTUALLY DOESN'T MATTER.



IT DOESN'T. YOUR MOTHER
WILL CRY, WHATEVER.



BUT OTHERWISE, NOBODY
GIVES A SHIT.



I CAN'T DIE,
I GOT KIDS



AND MY WIFE DOESN'T
FUCKING WORK.



SO I DON'T GET TO DIE.
I CAN'T DIE.



I LOVE HER, BUT SHE'S
A PAINTER, GREAT.



PAINT A DOLLAR AND TAKE
SOME PRESSURE OFF, PLEASE.



BUT SO-



- BUT SINGLE PEOPLE,
WHEN YOU-WHEN YOU-



THEY COMPLAIN,
LIKE, WE DON'T COMPLAIN.



WHEN YOU ASK A PARENT,
HEY, HOW'S THE FAMILY?



WE GO, "GREAT."
THAT'S ALL WE EVER SAY.



IT'S NEVER FUCKIN' GREAT,
BUT WE SAY GREAT,



'CAUSE WE'RE NOT
GONNA TELL YOU,



"WELL, MY WIFE ASSASSINATED
MY SEXUAL IDENTITY,"



AND, "UH, MY CHILDREN
ARE EATING MY DREAMS."



WE DON'T FUCKING
BOTHER YOU WITH THAT.



WE JUST SAY, "GREAT."



BUT IF YOU ASK A SINGLE
PERSON, "HOW'S IT GOIN'?"



THEY'RE LIKE,
"WELL, MY APARTMENT DOESN'T



GET ENOUGH SOUTHERN LIGHT,"
AND THE CARPETING



IS GETTING
A LITTLE MOLDY... "



YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?
BURN IT DOWN AND KILL YOURSELF,



'CAUSE NOBODY
FUCKING CARES.



"MY GIRLFRIEND DOESN'T
LIKE THE SAME MUSIC AS ME,



AND SHE ACTS
BORED AT PARTIES... "



FUCKING CALL HER
AND SAY, "FUCK YOU,"



AND HANG UP
AND LEAVE HER!



YOU CAN END THAT SHIT
WITH A PHONE CALL.



I NEED A FUCKING GUN
AND A PLANE TICKET



AND BLEACH AND SHIT,
I NEED A WHOLE BUNCH OF-



- THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH,
YOU'VE BEEN REALLY GREAT.



Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today



[indistinct chatter]



-- Louis!
-- Louis!



[indistinct chatter]



[cheering]



Alright, let's get started.
Go ahead, sit down.



Okay, yes, sit down,
we're just starting.



There's no opening act.
Fuck it. Just, let's start.



Let's just start.



Get your seats.



Get your beers and everybody
go ahead, sit down.



Kill the house lights.
Let's just start.



Let's just start a show.



There's no point in
screwing around.



I'll do all the anouncements
that you would have heard.



Please turn off your cell phones.



You can take pictures but
turn off the flash.



That's stupid,
because it's not--



You know when you're watching the
World Series and there's all that--



Like your flash is lighting
Yankee Stadium.



Just leave your flash off.



Don't yell out during the show.
If you have something you
want to say to me...



This is what we do.
We write it down



and then you go
outside in the lobby



and then you go home and
you kill yourself



because, that's selfish.



This is a rhetorical performance.



It's got nothing to do with you.



Don't text or twitter during
the show. Just live your life.



Don't keep telling people
what you're doing.



Just, because also--



also--



it lights up your big
dumb face. It lights it up.



I see this beautiful see of
darkness and then just one guy.



So, don't do that.



What else? No jews,
I think they said that earlier.



They told me I have to say it.



Jews aren't allowed.



If you're jewish this
is a good time to go.



If you see somebody kind of Jewey
looking then please tell an usher



and they will--



Sir, come on.
Let's go. Come on.



Yes, let's go.



But, I'm really glad you're here.



This is a sizeable crowd.
This is a big place.



There's about people
here, and that's--



That's a lot of people.



That's enough people to be
a sample of the population.



people is enough people that
you're all going to experience--



There's enough people here to
say that within two months
at least one of you will die.



I'm just saying. I think it's
probably accurate to say



that out of any random
group of people



not all of you are gonna make
it to Christmas, unfortunately.



There's gonna be--



At least one of you here tonight



is going to ruin your
family's Christmas



by dying a shitty death.



And I don't know
who it is, I'm sorry.



I don't know, your
death is whatever--



Some people, they want you to do
things when they die with their--



"I want you to take my
ashes and sprinkle--"



Fuck you, I'm not doing
none of that shit.



You're dead.



I'm not going to run errands
for you after you're dead.



You don't matter anymore.



Some people try to do something
noble with their bodies.



They try to have their bodies
have some use after they're dead,



which I think is a good thought.



You're only borrowing your body.



You're only borrowing everything.



If you're body's worth anything
when you're done with it



you should pass it on.



That's something I really believe.



I mean, I'm not going
to do it, because



I don't want--eew--it's mine.
I don't want--



I have a lot of beliefs



and I live by none of them.



That's just the way I am.



They're just my beliefs.



I just like believing them.



I like that part.



They're my little believies.
They make me feel good
about who I am.



But if they get in the
way of a thing I want



or I want to jack off or
something, I fucking do that.



But--



But some people take their--
my grandma, uh, grandmother



She--just, uh, for the layman--



My grandmother,



she gave her body to
a medical school



for it just to be
examined and disected,



which is a good thought for that.



But you know her survivors
are--her family---



That was a person.



That was my grandmother.
She used to wear glasses
and say things.



And now she's just shaved
head on a metal table



with a hungover medical student
trying to dig our her pancreas.



And he gets an "F".



Imagine being the body where
the kid got an "F" on you.



The teacher's like,
No, you idiot.



And he writes "F" on her tit
with a Sharpie and just



throws her down a shoot
on a pile of "F" bodies.



So, I don't care about her.
[shout from audience] Louis!
Shut up, idiot.



Just shut your fucking mouth.



Didn't you hear me before?



Okay, so what am I going to do
with my body. I'm going to die



and I have to tell people
what to do with my remains.



I have an idea for something
to do with my body



or for other people to do with it,
that will do good in the world.



It doesn't exist yet
as an institution



but I'm gonna create it,
starting with my body.



What it is, it's a place
where you can go



and be with a dead body



and you just do
whatever you want.



And--



the point of this



is that there are people out there



who have sexual compulsions
and they can't control them



and so they go and they
bother alive people.



And with this you get it
out of your system.



This is the deal.
You go in the room.
There's nobody else with you.



You've got minutes.
You just do whatever you
want, whatever it is.



Shit in my mouth.



You want to--



Stick my toe in your pussy.
Piss on my face.



Whatever is the thing you gotta do.



Jack off with the cartilage of my ear.



Whatever is your heart's desire.



I want to be the Willy Wonka
for perverts.



[singing] You can come on my back
and pretend that I'm your father.



[singing] I am dead, I don't mind.



Sexual perversion is a problem.



You can't stop it.
People gotta do what they gotta do.



This country is pretty perverted.



We have to jack off to everything.



There's not sex and then everything.
Sex is in everything.



You watch the news and
there's a woman telling you,



And in Libya...



Yeah tell me about Libya.
Fucking tell me about Libya.



Say, "Libya" again.



Come on, fucking right up to
the screen, on my flatscreen.



Come on, say, "Libya" again.



[grunting]



It should just be a person,
In Libya... or whatever.



Why does it all have
to be so sexualized?



And music, every
musician is attractive.



Isn't that a weird coincidence



that everyone who can play
music also looks good?



I would have thought there'd
be one ugly guy with a guitar
who would be amazing.



But, fucking zero.



And there's teen pop idols
who are children.



And they're on TV going--



It's a kid



and folks are jacking off to them.



Folks.
Just "Folks" are jacking off.



[singing] Well, folks are jacking
off to the girls on TV.



Some of them are really young.
I don't know their names.



I don't have that
knowledge anymore.



I'm too old.



When I think of a teen idol,
there's Britney Spears.



Because she's my age now.



That's how long ago that was.



She caught up to me.



When I was , she was .
And now we're both years old.



So that's how little I know about
who these people are.



I was thinking the other day,



what if there was a
baby who was born



and there's been a lot of fucked up
babies, all kinds of babies born.



There's been babies
connected at the face,



to a dog or whatever,



babies with three legs,



with hands on them.



There's been



Chinese babies.



That's--



Okay, that's--



That's the worst thing I ever said.



I think I just finally said



the worst thing I have ever said.



That was totally
unredeeming and horrible.



And it feels good.



It feels good to have
found bottom.



There's a comfort in knowing



that I just said the worst thing I'll
ever say in the rest of my life.



[exhaling]
It's good.



All right.



Yeah, I'm not a good guy.



I am not.



I wish I was a good guy.



I like the idea of being
a good guy.



Sometimes I have the opportunity
to be a good guy and then I
don't necessarily do it.



I was on a plane once and
I was flying first class,



because I had a thing.



I first class.
Who cares?



Just-- That's the way it is.



I don't-- I'm not like you.



I'm not. I'm not.



All the things you do, I do a
better version of all those things.



And--



It's only for another year at
the most, believe me.



It's not gonna last.



It's been about eight months.
I've got a year left and then I'm
back to being just like you.



But for now, it's pretty good.



I'm in a first class seat and
first class is so crazily better.



It's so much better.



You get a bigger seat.
You get food.



But also, you get to sit first.



You get to sit before
anybody else does.



They sit you down and you get
to just sit there with champagne



and watch all the sweaty,



miserable,



all the single moms hefting
their stroller and the kid.



"That looks heavy and nobody's
helping you. That's a drag."



And you get to just--



Anyway, so I'm on the plane.
I'm in first class



and this soldier gets on the plane.



I see soldiers fly all the time



because that's how they
get to the war.



They fly on a shitty airline.



You think they get to go on a
cool green plane with a red light.



Go! Go! Go!



No, they just go to Delta.



And they just



wait in line to go to a war.



And they always fly coach.



I've never seen a soldier in
first class in my life.



It could be a full bird colonel,



he's between two fat
guys in coach.



And they're always nice.



I've never seen a soldier
get on a plane--
Hey, I'm in the Army.



Fuck you. I have a gun.



They're always, "Oh, yes sir.
Thank you very much ma'am."



It's like having an extra flight attendant.
They help everybody put their shit up.



They're awesome.



And every time that I see a
soldier on a plane, I always think,



You know what,
I should give him my seat.



It would be the right thing to do.
It would be easy to do and it
would mean a lot to him.



I could go up to him, "Hey, Son."
I get to call him, "Son."



"Hey, son, go ahead
and take my seat."



Because I'm in first class, why,
for being a professional asshole.



I'm in first class because I talk
about babies with big dicks.



That's what got me my seat.



This guy is giving his life
for the country, he thinks,
and so he has to sit--



But that's good enough.
That's good enough,



the fact that he thinks it.



I'm serious.



He's fucking told by everybody
in his life system



that that's a great thing
to do and he's doing it.



And it's scary but he's doing it.



And he's sitting in this shitty seat
and I should trade with him.



I never have.
Let me make that clear.



I've never done it once.



I've had so many opportunities.



I never even really,
seriously came close.



And here's the worst part.



I still just enjoy the fantasy



for myself to enjoy.



I was actually proud of myself



for having thought of it.



I was proud.



Ah, I am such a sweet man.



That is so nice of me



to think of that and then
totally never do it.



At least you should be good
just to the people--



Just turn a good face to the
people that you see in life.



I don't do that either



because when I get in the
elevator in my building--



That's my first contact
with human beings after



being home and just being
disgusting for hours.



Then I come out of the elevator
and there's always a guy on
the elevator who's nice.



And I hate it.



I get really upset when people
say nice things to me.



That's not a good impulse.



I get in the elevator and there's
always this one guy who just--



He sticks his face right in the
front of his fucking head.



Hi! He just floats it out
there like a big balloon.



Hey, how's it going?



I get upset.
I get cagey.



I get this weird impulse that
I want to come on his face.



I don't know why that's the thing,



but that's what I think about.



I wish I could just secrete come
without the sexual workup,



like as a defense,
like a squid or a skunk.



Not sexually. I mean agressively.



Hi!
[spurt]



Jesus, man.



You just came in my eye.



I just want to go downstairs.
I don't want to talk.



Alright, this is going a little off the
rails. I don't remember what I was



trying to say.



I'd like to be a better person.



I would.



I'd like to be a better person.



And I think I'm getting
worse as a person.



Because as you get older
you start finding out--



Let me give you an example.



I rented a car a couple weeks
ago, in Los Angeles



I had the car for a few days



and then when I went home I had
to drop the car at the rental place.



You gotta go to the rental place
that's off the airport,



give them the car, give them
your thing with the mileage.



You gotta get on a bus and then
go to your terminal and check in.



I was late and I was worried
about missing my flight.



So I knew I had no time
to do any of that.



So I just
--I never did this before--
I just drove my car



right to the terminal
and just left it there.



Then I got on the plane.



Once I got on the plane and
had a moment I called
Hertz and I said,



Hey, listen, your car is sitting
out in front of terminal four



and the keys are in it.
So, that's where it is."



And the guy's like,
You can't do that.



"You have to return it to
the location and then get--"



Well, I didn't do that already,
and now I'm leaving California.



So if you want your car you need
to go to that place where it is.



And he was like,
Awww, Jesus man.



Well, alright. We'll get it.



And he-- That was the end of it.



And I realized I could
do this every time,



every time I rented a car.



Because of course they want
you to do all that shit.



But if you don't they
still want the car back.



They're going to send a dude.



You could drive a car until
you don't want it.



Just get out of it while it's
moving and just walk away.



No, I don't feel like being
in that car any longer.



Just call Hertz.
Hi, your car is drifting into the
intersection of th and Broadway,



if you're interested.
It's now your problem.



But see, this is a
terrible realization



because you should act in a way



that if everybody acted that
way things would work out.



You should, because it would be
mayhem if everybody was like that.



And most people kind of don't care.



Most people are very selfish.



Most people don't give
a shit what happens



as long as they get to
do their favorite thing.



People don't even want to back
off from their favorite thing.



They won't even do their
second favorite thing.



You ever seen somebody in trouble,



like they're at an intersection
and they want to make a left,



but they're in the right--
the all the way right lane



because they messed up.



So, here's the guy.
He's in the right lane.



And there's a lot cars,
like th avenue.
A lot of cars.



And he wants to make that left.



So what does he do?
He just does it anyway.



He just goes at it.



He just shoves his car



through everybody's life



without any--



And everybody's honking and
outraged and you always
see they guy go,



I have to. I have to.



"There's no other possible
thing I could do."



"What else could I do, except
go up one more block



and then go left and
take four seconds."



That's not my favorite way, though!



That only meets % of my criteria.



But I'm selfish.



I would like to be a better person,
because I have kids.



And I want to pass on a better--



Sometimes it's not clear what
the right thing is to do.



One time I threw a candy
wrapper on the street.



I didn't do it like, "Yeah!"



I just--



Yeah, take that shit, street.



I did it because I was shaking.
I wanted the candy.



Anyway, I was with a friend



who said to me, "You just littered
on the street. Don't you care
about the environment?"



And I thought about it and I said,
You know what, this
isn't 'The Environment'.



This is New York City.



This is not 'The Environment'.



This is where people live.



New York City is not the environment.
New York City is a giant piece of litter.



It's the giantest, next to Mexico
City, the shittiest piece of litter



in the world.



Just a pussy, runny, smoking,



stinking piece of litter.



So if you have a piece of litter,



what are you supposed
to do with it?



You should throw it
on the pile of litter.



Because if you don't,
if you put it in a receptacle



then it gets collected and
it gets taken to a dump



and a landfill and then
it goes on a boat.



And it goes out and gets
dumped in the ocean and



some dolphin wears it
as a hat on its face



for ten years, this hat that
never dissolves, on its face.



Ugh.



Jesus.



[dolphin clicking]



Everything that we introduce



to the world is shitty...



...meaning white people.



Because--



I really think that white people
are from another planet



because when we came to
America, it was so nice.



It was just Indians.



And they weren't even Indians.



We called them that by accident.



And we still call them that.



We knew in a month
that it wasn't Indians



but we just don't give a shit.



We never correct it.



We came here.
They're like, "Hi."



And we're like,
Hey, you're Indians, right?



And they're like, "No."



No, this is India, right?



No, it's not. It's a totally other place.



You're not Indians?



No.



Ahh, you're Indians.



"You're Indians for hundreds
of years after."



We ruined everything here.
This was the great--



It was just coast-to-coast
green, brown and beautiful.



And all the humans were
just walking around



with painted faces,
just walking.



And they'd be like,
Oh, that looks yummy.



And they'd just eat from the ground.



And then they'd sleep on the grass.



And they'd wake up and they'd fuck.



And then they'd go for a swim
and do a little dance.



That was the whole continent,



just folks doing that.



I mean there was people in
Mexico cutting off kids' heads



and rolling them down
the pyramid stairs.



But that's--



I mean...



That's always going on.



You know--



You can't do a whole
lot about that.



But I think we came
from another planet



and the reason is we
don't like it here.



Why, if we're from here,



if we belong on Earth,



why aren't we comfortable



on Earth, at all?



We need nice smooth surfaces



and right angles and we
need it to be cool



and not too hot, just a
little dit-dit just perfect.



Why wouldn't, when it's hot,
why wouldn't we just--



Yeah, fuck it.



Why wouldn't we be like
that if we belonged here?



And it's weird because
people that are--



You know, there's
environmentalists



and there's people who
just hate environmentalists.



People get angry
at environmentalists



because they think they're
slowing down the economy



and creating restrictions and a lot
of these people are Christian.



A lot of these people are
very devout Christians



and that's such a
confusing thing to me,



that if you believe that
God gave you the Earth,



that God created Earth for you,



why would you not
have to look after it?



Why the fuck--



Why would you not think that when
he came back he wouldn't go,



What the fuck did you do?



"I gave this to you, motherfucker.
Are you crazy?"



The polar bears are brown.



What did you do to the polar bears?



"Did you shit all over
every polar bear?"



"What did you--who did this?
Who spilled this shit?
Who spilled this?"



"Come over here. Did you
fucking spill this? What is that?"



"It's oil. It's just some oil.
I didn't mean to spill--"



"Well why did you take it
out of the fucking ground?"



Because I wanted to go faster.



I'm not fast enough.



And I was cold.



What the fuck do you mean, 'cold'?



"I gave you everything you
needed, you piece of shit."



Well, because jobs, and I wanted--



"What is a job? Explain to me,
what's a fucking job?"



"Well, like you work at a
place and people call



when their game doesn't work
and you help them figure it out."



What do you do that for?



For money.



What do you need money for?



Food.



Just eat the shit on the floor.



I left shit all over the floor.



"Fucking corn and wheat and shit.
Grind it up, make some bread.
What are you doing?"



"Yeah, but it doesn't have,
like, bacon around it."



"And like-- I like when it
has bacon on it."



I watched somebody do that the
other day after a meal they went,
Oh, it was just--



And I started wondering,
what does that mean?
What does that signify?



I think what it means is that you
ate something so delicious



that you then kissed
somebody on the asshole



and their asshole exploded.



That's some good eating.



That's a nice sauce.



Is that good?



Yeah, let me show you.



Shit. Let me have some of that.



That just destroyed my anus.



Anyway, I got kids and



that's sort of what I'm trying to say.



It's hard having kids
because it's boring.



That really is the hardest
part of having kids.



Ask any parent, What's the hard part?
Is it looking after their health care?



Is it making sure that their education--



No, it's being with them on the floor



while they be children.



It's just--



They read Clifford the
Big Red Dog to you



at a rate of minutes a page.



And you have to sit there



and be horribly proud and bored



at the same time.



I hate Clifford the Big Red Dog.



I hate him.



There's books about
Clifford the Big Red Dog.



Fifty books.



There's seven books about Narnia



that cover the birth and death of a nation



and mice with swords



and a lion who's a god.



They did it in seven books.



Fifty books about
Clifford the Big Red Dog,



and they all tell the exact same story.



Look how big this dog is.



That's it.



Look how big this dog is.



That's the whole book.



Here's how big he was at the firehouse.



Here's how big he was at Thanksgiving.



Who gives a shit?
You just drew him big.



You just, on purpose, made
him bigger than people.



It should be, "Look how big
I drew the dog in this book."



Isn't that a mistake?



There's no story.



You maybe even just drew him
closer to the page. I don't even
know if you did it honestly.



Tell a story about Clifford.



Make something happen, where
maybe he steps on a policeman



and shatters his spine and it's
devastating to the community.



He hangs on for two months and then dies.



And there's a whole, you know,



funeral with bagpipes and
everybody's crying.



And Clifford gets the death penalty.



There's a whole book about
his appeal process and how



he found Jesus but everybody
said it was bullshit.



The cop's wife was like,
I want that dog dead!



And then he goes to the chair
and they shave all his red
fur off and now he's



Clifford the Big Pink Dog.



Put him on a big funny electric
chair that the town got
together and built.



It's boring having kids.
You gotta play kid games.



You gotta play board games,
little kid board games where you--



And then you go dit-dit-dit



You got a six, honey.



One.



Two.



Three.



It's just here. Just go here. It's just--



Daddy, I'm learning.



I know. You're going to grow up
stupid because I'm bored. I
can't take it, baby. I can't.



I can't watch it.



I'm bored more than I love you.
I can't. I just--



Come on.



My girls are six and nine now.



They're actually a really exciting
age because they're learning
to do some cool stuff.



I played Monopoly with my kids.
That's really fun.



My nine year old, she can
totally do Monopoly.



The six year old actually totally
gets how the game works



but she's not emotionally
developed enough



to handle her inevitable loss



in every game of Monopoly.



Because, a Monopoly loss is dark.



It's heavy.



It's not like when you lose at Candyland.



Oh, you got stuck in the fudgey
thing, baby. Oh, well.



You're in the gummy twirly-ohs
and you didn't get to win.



But when she loses at Monopoly I
gotta look at her little face and go,



Okay, sweetie, here's what's
gonna happen now, okay?



All your property,
everything you have,



all your railroads, your houses,



all your money,



that's mine now.



Gotta give it all to me.



No, give it to me. That's right.



No, no you can't play
anymore, see, because



even though you're giving me all of that



it doesn't even touch how
much you owe me.



It doesn't even touch it, baby.



You're going down hard. It's really bad.



All you've been working for all day,



I'm going to take it now



and I'm going to use it to
destroy your sister.



I mean, I'm going to ruin her.



It's just mayhem on this
board for her now.



When you have kids you also have to



belong to kid and parent culture.



You have to know a lot of parents
and a lot of other kids.



You have to hang out
with other kids.



Sometimes they're not
even kids you know.



When I go to parks with my
kids, I play with them.



I play with my kids.



Some people don't do that.



They just take their kids to the park
so they don't have to talk to them,



and those kids kind of
glom on to our shit.



I'll be sitting at the park playing
a fun game with my kids



and there's this woman on a
bench. She's got her phone



and she's just staring at her phone.



And her kid's like, "Mommy, talk to me."



Leave me alone. I'm trying to cheat on your father! Stop it!



And then the kid comes up to us,
Can I be in your family?



It's creepy.



One time I was at a swimming
pool with my kids, a public pool.



I had my daughter, my six
year old, on my arm like this.



She was like clamped on, and
she's kicking. It was so much fun.



And then she got off and another
random child just clamped on.



It's like a rat. Get off of me.



But I love you.



I don't know you, kid. Stop.



I think that kid's dead. I don't
know what happened.



Some kids in my kid's class,
I like some of those kids.



Some of those kids are cool. They
come over to my house and they
play with my--I like them.



Other kids I don't like,



especially the little boys.



Little boys in my kid's class,
I hate them. I hate little boys.



I'm like the opposite of a
pedophile. I just hate--



There's one kid in my daughter's
class who I hate so much,



and it's really fucked up because I'm



and I hate a six year old.



I mean, I hate him



with a grown-up, pre-occupying hate.



I've thought about him three
times since I came out here.



That's how much I really hate this kid.



I'm going to tell you about him and
I have to make up a name
because he's a real child



who lives in this city, so I have to



make up a name in order to
tell this story about him.



His name is just, Jezanthepuss.



Let's just call him Jezanthepuss.
Jezanthepuss. Fine.



Okay.



He's in my daughter's class.
They're in first grade.



When we take our kids to class,
there's a little procedure.



You bring your kid to school and
they have their backpack
and their jacket



and they go to their cubby
and take it all off and they
put it in the cubby.



Then they take their homework
folder and their lunchbox



and put them in the bins.



Those are their little responsibilities.



You help them do it so
they'll, blah blah blah.



But, Jezanthepuss--



When he comes in he doesn't
do none of that shit.



He just walks in and just sheds it all.



And his mom, his weak, piece of shit mom



picks it all up.



I hate his mother



because you hate a weak
parent, when you're a parent.



Because it's like you're raising
Hitler, motherfucker. Do your job!



Get in there.



If our parent group and our class
were a platoon of soldiers,



she'd be the one that we'd
put soap bars in socks and--



We'd frag that bitch in her sleep.



She would wash right the fuck out.



She wouldn't make it.



When Jezanthepuss drops his shit,



this bitch picks it up.



She just goes,



He just... I'll get...



I'll get it...



And then I'll put it in the bins for him.



And she puts it all away for him,
which frees him up to punch
other kids in the face



because he's a shitty,
horrible, violent child.



One time I was at school,



and I was volunteering at recess.



It's something you do, you know,



if you're a good parent,



about once a month
or whatever it is.



You go to school



and you just stand there
and you watch recess.



You masturbate, whatever
you want to do.



That is now the worst thing.
That's the worst thing.



Now that's the worst thing I
ever said. Okay. Alright.



We'll find it.



I mean you could. It's a public
school nobody would even give a shit.



But, I haven't thus far.
It hasn't gotten that bad.



Anyway, I'm watching recess
and recess is a trip.



If you've never been to recess,



it's intense because it's
like the universe.



You know if you watch the ocean crash,



waves on the beach for a long time,



you start feeling like you're
understanding how everything works.



That's what recess is like, because
every natural, chaotic energy



is represented at recess.



There's kids swirling around in
these big roiling crazy things.



There's one kid just spazzing
out just to some singularity kid.



It's a binary system of two
kids holding hands



and they're running and just
clotheslining every child
of a certain height.



They're keeping a uniform
height to the playground.



So I'm watching recess



and I see Jezanthepuss.



And he's walking with this evil--



This kid is like evil stuck out of time.



He's like--



I always picture him in a gray
fur coat with bones in it,



and lots of rings from people
that he killed, and just walking.



And then I see my daughter and
she's standing there, just by herself.



And there's Jezanthepuss and
I know he's going for her.



It was like an action movie thriller thing.



And I think to myself, I gotta go
there and I gotta protect her.



But then I thought, let him do
a little something first.



Let him do just a little something,



because I want this kid in my life.



I want a reason.



I want aerial photos of him
doing some shit to my family



that I can bring to the U.N.



and get authority to waterboard
this little motherfucker.



I want to--



I want to get him on a
flight to Venezuela



with an envelope on his head
and duct tape and all that shit.



So, anyway, he goes for her,
grabs her arm, starts twisting it.



She goes, "Ahhh!"



I run over. I'm just knocking kids over.



I run, grab him.



I look in his little face and I go,



Listen to me, Jezanthepuss.



If you ever,



ever, in your life,



touch her again--



And as I'm doing this I realize



this is not cool that doing this.



This is totally inappropriate.



It's really wrong.



It's way over the top.



It's too grown up.



It's like he's a drug dealer in
my building that I finally fucking--



"This ends now, motherfucker
or I will cut you. I don't care."



And he's--



He starts crying pitifully.



And I just, I really did this, I just
walked away from him. I just got away.



And then all the teachers--
everybody gathers around.



Jezanthepuss, what's wrong with you?



And he's like--



And he couldn't articulate it



because he's not getting educated.



Fuck him.



I was there going, Yeah, you could
have told on me bitch,



but you're too stupid now,



which is your own fault,



you future ditchdigging piece of shit.



Oh, I'm going to love watching you
grow up into nothing, motherfucker.



I'm gonna watch it.



I'm gonna fuck your mom
and not call her too.



I'm gonna ruin her summer.



I'm gonna fuck your mom twice
and then never call her.



I don't know your dad because he ran
out on you, but I'm gonna find him.



I'm gonna turn myself gay and
then I'm going to fuck him too.



I'm gonna fuck--
I'm gonna suck his dick so good



that he just has to change
his whole life.



And I'm gonna move into a place with
him in the village for a couple
of months and totally--



He'll cut off ties to all his life



and start wearing cut-offs
that are really tight.



And he'll just--



And then I'll go to some Christian
turn-you-not-gay place.



And then I'll come back and go,
What's wrong with you faggot?



Make him feel bad inside,
like what has he done.



But you gotta protect your
kids, you know. You gotta.



You gotta protect your kids.



You gotta do it, man.



A lot of people will talk the talk.



A lot of people say that shit.
I would throw myself under a bus for my--



Oh, yeah, would you fuck another kid's dad,



and confuse him sexually,
and yourself sexually in the process,



and use homophobia that you
hate, against another person,



just because some kid shoved
your kid for a second?



That's my baby girl. I gotta do it, son.



I gotta suck that dick.
That's my baby girl.
I gotta do it for her.



Alright.



Alright.



Alright, I hate that child.
That's what I'm trying to say.



I've been thinking about my
memories because I have kids now.



And my kids are at an age



where I remember being their age.



I remember being a six year old.



I remember being a nine year old.



And that's a big threshold
that my kids have crossed,



that I remember being their age.



Because when you're raising kids,
you're not raising the kid in front of you.



You're raising the grown up
that they're going to be later.



And I was a kid once.



When they were babies, I didn't really
relate to them because they're babies.



A baby is not going to remember shit



that is happening to it.



If you have a baby, keep it
alive and enjoy yourself.



But really, the baby doesn't--
It's not going to matter.



A baby is not accumulating anything.



It's like an Etch A Sketch
that you shake every day.



It doesn't really--
It doesn't matter.



You could go up to your baby's face
every day and say, "Fuck you, baby."
every day and it wouldn't matter.



Hey, baby!



You could do that every day
and it wouldn't matter.



I mean, they'll grow up with
a general sadness inside.



But they won't--



They won't actually remember why.



And memories are weird because memories
get distorted by who you are now



and who you were when
you experienced them.



I remember when I first
started doing stand-up.



I was living in Boston and there was one
club that was owned by a gay guy.



And my memory is that that guy
was always trying to fuck me.



That's my memory.



I've carried it for years.



There was a gay guy who
tried to fuck me all the time.



And recently I caught up with an old
friend of mine from those days,
who I hadn't seen in years.



And we started talking about different
people and he brought him up.



And I said, "That guy always
used to try to fuck me."



And he goes, "He did?"



And I was like, "Yeah."



And he goes,
Really? Did he--



"I mean, did he like take you
to his house or something
and really try to physically..."



No, it's just that, you know what I mean.
He was trying to fuck me all the time."



And he was like, "Well did he
say-- Did he push you--



and say stuff all the time
and make you uncomfortable?"



No, it just was--



And as we went through it,
the truth came out.



The whole story really was,
there once was a gay man.



That's it.



That's really what happened.



He was gay.



I was .



And now, "He tried to fuck me all the time."



I went through life with that.



But I've been trying to
remember my first memory.



How far do my memories go?



And I remembered my first memory.



I was four years old.



I was standing in front of my parents' house



and I was shitting in my pants.



I was just shitting a massive,



terribly painful shit.



And I was half way through the shit.
That's my first memory, being half way--



The first half of the shit, I don't remember it.



That's still in the ether of infancy.



The center of this shit was so wide



that I actually came online as a result



of the anal pain that I was experiencing.



It actually awakened me
--Yee-aahhh--



into the stream of consciousness
that I'm now living.



That's how my life started. That's who I am.



A lot of my memories I don't like.



I don't like-- When I was a
teen-ager I hated all that time.



I hated being a teen-ager,



and then I discovered drugs.



And then that's all I gave a shit about.



I don't know how I'm gonna tell my kids.



How the fuck do you compete with that.



How do you take a miserable person
with no control over their lives



and tell them with a straight face,



Uh, You can't do drugs.



You can't do that, baby.



All drugs are, are a perfect solution to
every problem you have right now.



How do you beat that?



Drugs are so fucking good



that they'll ruin your life.



That's how good they are.



I can't do drugs now because I'm



and I can't hook it up.
I can't make that happen.



If you're and you want to get
high, you gotta hurt your back.



That's pretty much the
only option you have.



Hurt your back, get some Percoset.



And then get a babysitter
and take three at a diner.



Just, sad.



I'm a little drowsy, woooo!



I never really could have--
I wish I was a drunk.



I love romantically the idea
of being a real drunk,



in my bathrobe all day.



Everybody who love's me is always
crying. "He's destroying himself.
I can't watch anymore."



Shut up then.



Showing up at my kids school
play half way through.



You show 'em who you are, baby.



I wish I could be that guy.



But I can't drink because I just get tired.



I go to sleep.



I don't know how people
drink and then do shit.



When I see movies or TV shows
where there's people in an office



having a power meeting and they're
--clink clink--



They're making a drink in
the daylight with a tie on.



"Well, Senator, I hope you play ball with us



on this construction deal,
if you know what I'm saying."



Yeah, we'll see what's in it for me.



How is the next scene not all those people



just lying on the floor going, "Oh, fuck"



I can't believe I drank whiskey at noon.



I can't smoke pot because-- It's the
same thing. I'm too old for it.



Sometimes young people come
up to me after shows.



Hey, do you want to smoke some pot.



I'm like, Can I get my portion to smoke
without you, alone, later, because



I don't want to stand in a parking
lot with some twenty year-olds.



Last time I got high I was in Kansas City.



And I got high because I was
in Kansas City. It was shitty.



So after the show,



these kids that worked at
the club were like, "You
want to smoke some pot?"



I'm like, "Yes."



So, I'm standing in a
parking lot with these kids,



like years old, and
we're smoking a joint.



And I'm taking huge hits
because I had no idea.



I didn't know they had been working on
this shit like it's the cure for cancer.



I didn't understand the fucking technology
that's gone into making pot so powerful.



Because when I was a kid you could
just smoke a joint for a while.



Now you take two hits and you go insane.



It's not doable anymore.



And I was taking big hits, like big 's,



jean jacket, Bad Company hits.



[singing] Here come the
Jesters, one, two, three.



[singing] It's all part of my fantasy.



And I'm like, "Yeah"



And even the kid with the wooden



hole of no ear



the absense of flesh in
his ear, with wood.



I don't know what that is.



Even he was like,



"You should be careful. That's a lot
of pot. That's very strong marijuana."



Yeah, I'm fine.



[singing] "Running with the devil."



And in about ten seconds, everything just--



And I'm like, "Oh, shit."



This is an ordeal now.



I'm not going to feel okay
for a very long time.



[sigh]



And everybody's just standing
around and talking.



And I'm hoping,



I'm really hoping,



that I look like this.



But I'm pretty sure



that I was just scanning insanely.



I was actually counting.



Look at her for five...



four...



three...



two...



...one.
Switch to him.



Five...



four...



three...



...two. Randomize. Don't
go in the same direction.



Five...



four...



...three. Nod your head. That looks like
you're listening if you nod your head.



And at one point I realized,
I need to get out of here,



because the air is hitting my
arm weirdly and they can tell.



They totally know



that I am not handling the way
air is touching my arm right now.



Why am I doing that with my hand.
That's weird to do with your hand.



Nobody stands like this.
Nobody stands like this.



Just fucking--
No, that's also--



That's weird too.
That's crazy.



Just--



Shit.



I gotta go.



But I didn't know how to leave,
because I had this dilema.



We're all standing in a perfect
circle, facing each other.



And I thought it's going to be
insane if I just turn my--



I'm one person with my back now.



Do I just back away like this



and hope that they fill in?



And then I thought, no, say something.



Say something out loud to them that
smooths the transition of you leaving.



Okay, what do I say? Pick a
thing to say. Goodbye.



That's a nightmare.
That's just...



Goodbye?



That's not even-- that's just noises.



Finally I walked away and
I said, "I'm leaving!"



I know it was that bad



because they all went, "Whoa.
Shit. Okay. Alright. Whoa."



I'll never see those people
again as long I live.



And then I had to get in the car.
I forgot that I had rented a car



and I have to drive back to the hotel.



And I'm driving on this highway in Missouri.



And at one point I realized,



I think it's been about minutes



since I had looked out the
front window of this car.



I've just been dealing
with shit directly in--



Oh, shit.



There's a whole spectrum of
responsibility out here.



I'm supposed to take part in this.



And then at one point I remember
I was at a drive through,



and I was terrified.



Because there's a lady sticking
her head out a window.



And she's mad. She's going, "Sir!"



Sirrr!



I just kept saying,
I don't know. I don't know.



I don't know!



I had the window closed.
I had no fucking idea.



What part of the transaction am I--?



Did I pay yet? Have I ordered?



Have I been sitting here for
minutes just eating



at the window, and I ate the
paper and everything?



Sirrr!



And I just went,
I don't know! I don't want it!



And I just fucking bolted.



So I can't do that anymore.



But you get older and some
things you can't do anymore.



Some things you don't
want to do anymore.



It's a nice change.



You feel some desires fall away.



New things make you happy.



But some things don't change
and some things I'm sick of.



Like the constant



just the constant



perverted, sexual thoughts.



I'm so tired of those.



Just the constant--



Suck it.



It just makes me into an idiot.



I'm jacking off to morons.



Look at my tits.



Yeah, your tits are awesome.



It's just a dumb part of
life that I'm sick of.



It's all day too.



It's just--
You can't have a day.



I just want to be a person in clothes
walking in a store and just--



I just want to go to the
library and ask for--



Hi, ma'am, is there-- I'm
looking for a book about



early Abraham Lincoln,
like when he was--



I wish I could wrap your hair
around my dick and--



Oh, shit.



I'm trying to talk to her!



[sigh]



That's really a male problem.



It's really a male problem, not being able
to control your constant sexual impulse.



Women try to compete.



Well, I'm a pervert. You don't know.



I have really sick sexual thoughts.



No, you have no idea.



You have no idea.



See, you get to have those thoughts.



I have to have them.



You're a tourist in sexual perversion.



I'm a prisoner there.



You're Jane Fonda on a tank.



I'm John McCain in the hut.



It's a nightmare.



I can't lift my arms.



And for men, sex just is
such a constant thing.



It's not even sex to us. It's just pussy.



That's what we call it.



Pussy... it has nothing to do with women.



It's not about girls or chicks
like it was in the 's.



There's no guys anywhere
in the world saying,



"Let's go meet some chicks and kiss them
on the mouth and see what happens."



There's none of that.



"Mmmm, I sure would like to
have my arm around a girl."



Mmmm, Vanessa, I love--



No, it's not.



It's just



pussy.



Pussy.



It's not even a pussy.



It's not some peoples' pussies.



It's just pussy.



Like big pink balloon letters in
front of our faces all the time.



To men it's just an
element of the universe,



like it should be on the
chart of the elements



next to tin and ammonia.



P-y with an atomic weight of
or whatever pussy atoms weigh.



The sad thing is that for all our obsession
about sex and how much we love it,



we suck at it.



Men are terrible at sex.



It never even occurs to us to do it well.



Women just make sex great.



Women are the good part of sex.



They accept the dick with grace



and they turn it into art.



Or they climb on and they ride.



They go for a ride.



Men don't. We just climb on.



[grunting]



I'm putting my dick in you.



Put it in.



Shove it in.



Shove it.



[grunting]



You ever fuck when you're out of shape?



You're like, "Ugh, shit. This is--"



My stomach muscles are not strong.



[grunting]



We're so bad at sex



and then we wonder why women
aren't really aggressive about sex.



We think it's because they don't
have as much desire as we do.



That's how stupid men are.



We think they're just weird.



"Women are fucked up in the head,



because they don't want to
just fuck all the time."



"If I was a women, I'd
just fuck everybody."



"Why don't they want to
fuck all the time? I do."



Of course you do, because when
you fuck, you get to fuck a woman.



When she fucks, she has to fuck a guy.



Wildly different experience.



For a man, % of the time
he's fucking a woman



it's the greatest thing that ever
happened in his entire life.



For a woman, about % of the time she's
being fucked by a guy she's thinking,



"I'll get over this in a week.
It's not the worst thing."



I'm not going to cry this time.



Another thing that proves how bad men
are at sex is that after sex you're
looking at two very different people.



The man just wants to lay there
and be cool and the woman
wants to cuddle.



It's something that men love
to make fun of women for.



"They always want to cuddle.
It's so needy."



"I already fucked you.
Just let me watch the game."



I'm so cool.



What are you thinking about?



Shut up. Leave me alone.



Why is she so needy?



She's not needy, you idiot.



She's horny, because you
did nothing for her.



You did absolutely nothing.



Her pussy is on fire



because it's gone unfucked completely.



Of course you're fine, because
you climbed on and went--



and then rolled off.



And she's on you because she's going,



"What the--? Something
else has to happen!"



This is bullshit!



If you fuck a woman well
she will leave you alone.



Thanks a lot, buddy.
[snoring]



Thanks a lot, folks.
I hope you enjoyed the show.



You guys were great.
Thank you very very much.



Good night.



[end of subtitles]

Kaynak: Çoğunlukla Ekşisözlük ve Wikipedia
sonraki bilgi:      Pareto İlkesi
önceki bilgi:       Adres nedeniyle kargonuz iade edildi.
Bu sayfaya 305  defa bakıldı

***