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Louis C. K. İngilizce Altyazılar Tüm


    1
2017    00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:16,932
2017    Go ahead and do the lights.
2017    
2017    2
2017    00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:26,647
2017    Go ahead.
2017    
2017    3
2017    00:00:27,611 --> 00:00:30,991
2017    Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K.
2017    
2017    4
2017    00:01:13,949 --> 00:01:14,869
2017    Hello.
2017    
2017    5
2017    00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:17,695
2017    Thank you.
2017    
2017    6
2017    00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:20,708
2017    Thank you very much.
2017    
2017    7
2017    00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:22,542
2017    Thank you.
2017    
2017    8
2017    00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,293
2017    Um...
2017    
2017    9
2017    00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:27,586
2017    So, you know, I think abortion is, um...
2017    
2017    10
2017    00:01:27,796 --> 00:01:28,626
2017    I...
2017    
2017    11
2017    00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:33,546
2017    Here's what I think.
2017    
2017    12
2017    00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,505
2017    Here's what I... This is what I think.
2017    
2017    13
2017    00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:40,813
2017    Here's what I think. I...
2017    
2017    14
2017    00:01:40,892 --> 00:01:46,192
2017    I think you should not get an abortion
2017    unless you need one.
2017    
2017    15
2017    00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:53,072
2017    In which case...
2017    In which case, you'd better get one.
2017    
2017    16
2017    00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:55,284
2017    I mean, seriously.
2017    
2017    17
2017    00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:59,203
2017    If you need an abortion,
2017    you'd better get one.
2017    
2017    18
2017    00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:01,001
2017    Don't fuck around.
2017    
2017    19
2017    00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:03,209
2017    And hurry.
2017    
2017    20
2017    00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:09,589
2017    Not getting an abortion
2017    that you need is like not taking a shit.
2017    
2017    21
2017    00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:10,711
2017    That's how bad that is.
2017    
2017    22
2017    00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:13,176
2017    It's like not taking a shit.
2017    
2017    23
2017    00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:14,679
2017    That's what I think.
2017    
2017    24
2017    00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:18,264
2017    I think abortion is exactly like
2017    taking a shit.
2017    
2017    25
2017    00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:24,557
2017    I think it is 100%
2017    the exact same thing as taking a shit.
2017    
2017    26
2017    00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:27,057
2017    Or it isn't.
2017    
2017    27
2017    00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:31,398
2017    It is, or it isn't.
2017    
2017    28
2017    00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:36,489
2017    It's either taking a shit,
2017    or it's killing a baby.
2017    
2017    29
2017    00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:43,332
2017    It's only one of those two things.
2017    
2017    30
2017    00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,457
2017    It's no other things.
2017    
2017    31
2017    00:02:47,793 --> 00:02:50,133
2017    If you didn't like hearing
2017    it's like taking a shit,
2017    
2017    32
2017    00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:54,722
2017    you think it's killing a baby.
2017    That's the only other one you get to have.
2017    
2017    33
2017    00:02:55,258 --> 00:02:58,718
2017    Which means you should be holding a sign
2017    in front of the place.
2017    
2017    34
2017    00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:04,848
2017    People hate abortion protesters.
2017    They're so shrill and awful.
2017    
2017    35
2017    00:03:04,935 --> 00:03:07,805
2017    They think babies are being murdered.
2017    
2017    36
2017    00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:11,898
2017    What are they supposed to be like?
2017    Uh, that's not cool.
2017    
2017    37
2017    00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,113
2017    I don't wanna be a dick about it, though.
2017    
2017    38
2017    00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:19,781
2017    I don't want to ruin their day as they
2017    murder several babies all the time.
2017    
2017    39
2017    00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:24,497
2017    I don't think it's killing a baby.
2017    I don't.
2017    
2017    40
2017    00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:26,619
2017    I mean, it is, it's a little bit...
2017    
2017    41
2017    00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,707
2017    It's a little bit killing a baby.
2017    It's a little bit...
2017    
2017    42
2017    00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:36,473
2017    It's 100% killing a baby.
2017    It's totally killing a whole baby.
2017    
2017    43
2017    00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:45,017
2017    But I think that women should be allowed
2017    to kill babies.
2017    
2017    44
2017    00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:46,020
2017    That's what I think.
2017    
2017    45
2017    00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:48,308
2017    They should be allowed to kill babies.
2017    
2017    46
2017    00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,522
2017    Yeah.
2017    
2017    47
2017    00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,280
2017    Whoo!
2017    
2017    48
2017    00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:57,204
2017    We get to kill babies!
2017    
2017    49
2017    00:03:58,447 --> 00:04:00,987
2017    Let's do some shots and kill some babies.
2017    
2017    50
2017    00:04:03,535 --> 00:04:07,405
2017    I killed like four babies last night.
2017    It was fucking retarded.
2017    
2017    51
2017    00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:14,915
2017    It has to be one or the other.
2017    
2017    52
2017    00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:19,965
2017    You know, like, when people say,
2017    abortion should be legal, safe and rare.
2017    
2017    53
2017    00:04:20,051 --> 00:04:22,851
2017    Why rare if it should be legal?
2017    
2017    54
2017    00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,970
2017    If it should be legal,
2017    it's... It's shitting.
2017    
2017    55
2017    00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:31,900
2017    If it should be rare,
2017    it's murdering babies.
2017    
2017    56
2017    00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:34,400
2017    But, again, women should be allowed
2017    because...
2017    
2017    57
2017    00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:37,901
2017    Two reasons I think women
2017    should be allowed to kill babies.
2017    
2017    58
2017    00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:41,066
2017    Number one,
2017    I don't think life is that important.
2017    
2017    59
2017    00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:42,908
2017    It's just not.
2017    
2017    60
2017    00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,332
2017    It is not.
2017    
2017    61
2017    00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,501
2017    People get too excited...
2017    
2017    62
2017    00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:52,627
2017    about life. "Oh, life."
2017    
2017    63
2017    00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:54,919
2017    Fuck you. It's not that...
2017    
2017    64
2017    00:04:56,713 --> 00:05:00,883
2017    Make a list of every shitty thing ever,
2017    that's in life.
2017    
2017    65
2017    00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:05,889
2017    Life is okay. I like life.
2017    
2017    66
2017    00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:08,308
2017    I like it. I don't need it.
2017    
2017    67
2017    00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:11,104
2017    I'd be fine without it.
2017    
2017    68
2017    00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:16,193
2017    I like life, though. I do.
2017    You know how much I like life?
2017    
2017    69
2017    00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,936
2017    I have never killed myself.
2017    
2017    70
2017    00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:20,198
2017    - That's how much I like it.
2017    - Whoo!
2017    
2017    71
2017    00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:25,617
2017    That's exactly how much I like it,
2017    with a razor-thin margin.
2017    
2017    72
2017    00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:30,163
2017    I like it precisely enough
2017    to not kill myself.
2017    
2017    73
2017    00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:32,457
2017    It's an option, though.
2017    It's totally an option.
2017    
2017    74
2017    00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,416
2017    I mean, I'm 49. I have two kids.
2017    
2017    75
2017    00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:37,800
2017    I've flipped through the brochure
2017    a few times.
2017    
2017    76
2017    00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:44,094
2017    I've thought of killing myself just
2017    to win an argument.
2017    
2017    77
2017    00:05:48,723 --> 00:05:51,313
2017    Not supposed to talk about suicide,
2017    even to your shrink.
2017    
2017    78
2017    00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:55,523
2017    You ever go to a shrink and they're like,
2017    Have you had thoughts... of suicide?
2017    
2017    79
2017    00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:58,685
2017    And you're like, "No, because
2017    if I say yes, you'll press a button,
2017    
2017    80
2017    00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:01,185
2017    and folks will run in and hold me...
2017    Hold him down!
2017    
2017    81
2017    00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,534
2017    You should talk about it.
2017    
2017    82
2017    00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:11,035
2017    The whole world is just made of people
2017    who didn't kill themselves today.
2017    
2017    83
2017    00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:13,291
2017    That's who's here.
2017    
2017    84
2017    00:06:14,124 --> 00:06:18,094
2017    It's all of us that went,
2017    Okay, fuck it, keep doing it.
2017    
2017    85
2017    00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:22,966
2017    It's...
2017    
2017    86
2017    00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,306
2017    It's an interesting thing about life.
2017    
2017    87
2017    00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,848
2017    Life can get very difficult,
2017    very sad, very upsetting.
2017    
2017    88
2017    00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:33,562
2017    But you don't have to do it.
2017    You don't have to do it.
2017    
2017    89
2017    00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:35,023
2017    You don't have to do anything.
2017    
2017    90
2017    00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:39,443
2017    You never have to do anything
2017    because you can kill yourself.
2017    
2017    91
2017    00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:43,777
2017    If they send you a letter
2017    from Motor Vehicles, come in and:
2017    
2017    92
2017    00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,362
2017    No, I don't. I'll kill myself.
2017    
2017    93
2017    00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:48,405
2017    You can do that. You can do that once.
2017    
2017    94
2017    00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:49,832
2017    But you can do it.
2017    
2017    95
2017    00:06:55,540 --> 00:07:00,050
2017    It's interesting because even when life
2017    gets bad, people choose it over nothing.
2017    
2017    96
2017    00:07:00,128 --> 00:07:03,798
2017    Even the worst versions of life,
2017    even a shitty, shitty life,
2017    
2017    97
2017    00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:06,127
2017    is worth living, apparently.
2017    
2017    98
2017    00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:09,345
2017    'Cause folks are living the fuck out
2017    of them.
2017    
2017    99
2017    00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:15,023
2017    Have you ever seen somebody, you're like,
2017    "He should kill himself.

100
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:17,191
Why did he not... that dude..."
2017    
2017    101
2017    00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:22,400
2017    Ever been driving and you look
2017    in the next car, you're like, "Ugh, shit.
2017    
2017    102
2017    00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:25,700
2017    I wish I hadn't looked in that car.
2017    
2017    103
2017    00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:29,117
2017    That was difficult to glance at...
2017    
2017    104
2017    00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:31,618
2017    let alone being it."
2017    
2017    105
2017    00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:34,288
2017    Just a guy in a...
2017    
2017    106
2017    00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,289
2017    In a tan car.
2017    
2017    107
2017    00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:41,384
2017    Nobody chooses tan.
2017    
2017    108
2017    00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:46,262
2017    Nobody picks tan for their car.
2017    
2017    109
2017    00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,796
2017    They give you tan.
2017    
2017    110
2017    00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:53,347
2017    Is that mine? "Yeah, it's yours,
2017    fucking loser. Made it tan."
2017    
2017    111
2017    00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:57,851
2017    They shouldn't even make tan cars.
2017    It's mean to make them.
2017    
2017    112
2017    00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:04,402
2017    You look over, you see a guy in a tan car
2017    with dents all over it
2017    
2017    113
2017    00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:07,074
2017    and a garbage bag for a window.
2017    
2017    114
2017    00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:17,544
2017    What is holding up his suicide?
2017    
2017    115
2017    00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:21,132
2017    What is delaying it?
2017    
2017    116
2017    00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:26,418
2017    What is keeping him
2017    from stopping being that?
2017    
2017    117
2017    00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:31,138
2017    And what would it take?
2017    
2017    118
2017    00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:33,640
2017    What would it take?
2017    
2017    119
2017    00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:35,886
2017    What would it take?
2017    
2017    120
2017    00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:39,516
2017    Both windows are garbage bags? Is that...?
2017    
2017    121
2017    00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:50,531
2017    Seriously, do you know how much misery
2017    is involved in a garbage bag for a window?
2017    
2017    122
2017    00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:54,663
2017    Do you know how many separate moments
2017    of shit misery?
2017    
2017    123
2017    00:08:57,078 --> 00:09:01,418
2017    "They canceled my insurance.
I broke my window.

124
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:03,330
Duct tape."
2017    
2017    125
2017    00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:11,222
2017    Here's the truth. Running away will not
2017    solve your problems. That's totally true.
2017    
2017    126
2017    00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,471
2017    But killing yourself solves
2017    all your problems.
2017    
2017    127
2017    00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:14,970
2017    It actually does.
2017    
2017    128
2017    00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,385
2017    It even solves world's problems.
2017    
2017    129
2017    00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:18,977
2017    For you.
2017    
2017    130
2017    00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,444
2017    Hey, what about ISIS?
2017    
2017    131
2017    00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,440
2017    "Kill yourself.

132
00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,266
Then they'll never get you."
2017    
2017    133
2017    00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:31,275
2017    Seriously,
2017    if everybody who's afraid of ISIS
2017    
2017    134
2017    00:09:31,362 --> 00:09:32,822
2017    kills themselves right now,
2017    
2017    135
2017    00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:34,704
2017    then ISIS loses.
2017    
2017    136
2017    00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:39,374
2017    Because they live in a world of people
2017    that don't give a shit.
2017    
2017    137
2017    00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,331
2017    We're gonna cut his head off!
2017    
2017    138
2017    00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:44,628
2017    Yeah, okay.
2017    
2017    139
2017    00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:49,756
2017    It's not fun now.
2017    
2017    140
2017    00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:04,483
2017    I think the worst part
2017    of being beheaded...
2017    
2017    141
2017    00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:07,152
2017    If...
2017    
2017    142
2017    00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:12,280
2017    The worst thing about being beheaded
2017    is that you look really dumb right after.
2017    
2017    143
2017    00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:13,572
2017    That's the worst part.
2017    
2017    144
2017    00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,525
2017    They go like that, and you're like:
2017    Duh.
2017    
2017    145
2017    00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:20,204
2017    Just that fucking dopey...
2017    
2017    146
2017    00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,840
2017    I don't think they like beheading
2017    bald people 'cause they can't do this...
2017    
2017    147
2017    00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:27,918
2017    That's the best part.
2017    
2017    148
2017    00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:29,798
2017    They got to go like this.
2017    
2017    149
2017    00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:34,047
2017    It's not as cool.
2017    
2017    150
2017    00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:39,639
2017    So, just shave the top of your head,
2017    and you won't have to worry about it.
2017    
2017    151
2017    00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:46,351
2017    So, that's the first reason.
2017    
2017    152
2017    00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:51,110
2017    That's the first reason I think
2017    women should be allowed to kill babies.
2017    
2017    153
2017    00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:55,738
2017    'Cause life is not so important.
2017    
2017    154
2017    00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:58,872
2017    The second reason
2017    is because that's their job.
2017    
2017    155
2017    00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:01,539
2017    Women have to decide who lives and dies.
2017    
2017    156
2017    00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:03,869
2017    That's because they're the female
2017    of the species.
2017    
2017    157
2017    00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:07,375
2017    In the reproductive arena,
2017    that's what the female does.
2017    
2017    158
2017    00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:09,708
2017    They are the selectors.
2017    They have to decide this.
2017    
2017    159
2017    00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:13,463
2017    We give them this responsibility
2017    when we fuck them.
2017    
2017    160
2017    00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:15,928
2017    We go, "Here, you decide
2017    what to do with this shit."
2017    
2017    161
2017    00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:18,465
2017    See you later.
2017    
2017    162
2017    00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:23,270
2017    She has to figure out
2017    if you should have kids,
2017    
2017    163
2017    00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:26,979
2017    if she should have them. That's her job.
2017    Because women have judgment.
2017    
2017    164
2017    00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:29,395
2017    They have judgment.
2017    Men don't have judgment.
2017    
2017    165
2017    00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,476
2017    Men have intent.
2017    
2017    166
2017    00:11:32,609 --> 00:11:37,609
2017    Men just want to spray the world
2017    with their cum, just mist.
2017    
2017    167
2017    00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:40,873
2017    "More of me.

168
00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:47,287
More of me."
2017    
2017    169
2017    00:11:56,841 --> 00:12:00,601
2017    It's her job to go,
2017    "That's enough of you, I think.

170
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,644
No, that's really enough."
2017    
2017    171
2017    00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:12,108
2017    I don't think that face needs to repeat.
2017    
2017    172
2017    00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:15,614
2017    I've seen your father,
2017    and it's not getting better.
2017    
2017    173
2017    00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,704
2017    She doesn't realize this
2017    until after you fuck her.
2017    
2017    174
2017    00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:24,542
2017    That's actually when she really knows,
2017    is when you're like, "Yeah!"
2017    
2017    175
2017    00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:27,329
2017    And she's like, "I'm not having
2017    this piece of shit's baby."
2017    
2017    176
2017    00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:34,747
2017    And that's why abortion is the last line
2017    of defense
2017    
2017    177
2017    00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,219
2017    against shitty people in the species.
2017    
2017    178
2017    00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:42,891
2017    So, we need them
2017    to abort every shitty baby.
2017    
2017    179
2017    00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:50,646
2017    I mean, all animals do this.
2017    Animals do it late.
2017    
2017    180
2017    00:12:51,354 --> 00:12:52,364
2017    They have the baby.
2017    
2017    181
2017    00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:55,228
2017    Then they're like, "You know what?
2017    It's cold. I'm gonna eat this one."
2017    
2017    182
2017    00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:06,829
2017    "But when is it okay?
When should they be allowed?"
2017    
2017    183
2017    00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:09,411
2017    When it's in their pussy.
2017    That whole time.
2017    
2017    184
2017    00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:12,334
2017    It's in her pussy.
2017    
2017    185
2017    00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:15,842
2017    If there's a dude in your pussy,
2017    you get to kill him.
2017    
2017    186
2017    00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,376
2017    I think that's pretty fundamental.
2017    
2017    187
2017    00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:21,764
2017    You're allowed to kill people
2017    if they're in your house.
2017    
2017    188
2017    00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:36,482
2017    So... that's what I think.
2017    
2017    189
2017    00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:40,652
2017    I have two kids.
2017    
2017    190
2017    00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:47,076
2017    I try to be a better person
2017    around my kids.
2017    
2017    191
2017    00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,040
2017    I try to change my behavior around them.
2017    
2017    192
2017    00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:53,121
2017    Like, I have rules in my house,
2017    they all apply to me.
2017    
2017    193
2017    00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:56,959
2017    Like, I have a rule
2017    that I don't curse around my kids.
2017    
2017    194
2017    00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,210
2017    That's a rule. It does happen.
2017    
2017    195
2017    00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,297
2017    You have a stressful moment,
2017    and you're with your kids,
2017    
2017    196
2017    00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,388
2017    so, you say something by mistake.
2017    
2017    197
2017    00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:08,139
2017    One time I was making dinner for my kids,
2017    and I gave my daughter a bowl of soup.
2017    
2017    198
2017    00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,101
2017    And I said, "Here's your fucking soup."
2017    
2017    199
2017    00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:15,726
2017    But, uh...
2017    
2017    200
2017    00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:21,569
2017    You can see
2017    how that was a tough... situation.
2017    
2017    201
2017    00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:31,954
2017    You're supposed to teach your kids right
2017    from wrong. I don't know, it's confusing.
2017    
2017    202
2017    00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:34,788
2017    Some people raise their kids religiously
2017    and that covers it.
2017    
2017    203
2017    00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:38,004
2017    They kind of go, all this. Do that.
2017    
2017    204
2017    00:14:38,753 --> 00:14:41,883
2017    I'm not raising my kids religiously
2017    because I don't feel like it.
2017    
2017    205
2017    00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,133
2017    Get up on a Sunday? Fuck that.
2017    
2017    206
2017    00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:47,137
2017    Fuck that.
2017    
2017    207
2017    00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:50,060
2017    Let your souls rot, kids. I don't care.
2017    I'm not getting...
2017    
2017    208
2017    00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:53,234
2017    Daddy, who's Jesus?
2017    None of your business. Go back to bed.
2017    
2017    209
2017    00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:00,980
2017    But my kids, they're living in the world.
2017    
2017    210
2017    00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:04,197
2017    There's a lot of religion in the world.
2017    You have to teach your kids.
2017    
2017    211
2017    00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:07,488
2017    If you're not raising them religiously,
2017    you teach them about religion.
2017    
2017    212
2017    00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:08,953
2017    I tell my kids the same thing.
2017    
2017    213
2017    00:15:09,033 --> 00:15:12,873
2017    I tell them that there are many religions
2017    in the world, and they're all equal.
2017    
2017    214
2017    00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:15,464
2017    But the Christians are the main one.
2017    
2017    215
2017    00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:17,754
2017    That's what I tell them.
2017    
2017    216
2017    00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:19,134
2017    The Christians won.
2017    
2017    217
2017    00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:21,424
2017    They're the winners.
2017    
2017    218
2017    00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:23,263
2017    So, act accordingly.
2017    
2017    219
2017    00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:26,757
2017    Congratulate Christians
2017    when you meet them.
2017    
2017    220
2017    00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,010
2017    Because they won the world.
2017    
2017    221
2017    00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,433
2017    And it's true. It's true.
2017    
2017    222
2017    00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:37,936
2017    We love to tell ourselves, like,
2017    Every religion is exactly...
2017    
2017    223
2017    00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,060
2017    No. No, they're not.
2017    
2017    224
2017    00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:42,651
2017    The Christians won everything.
2017    
2017    225
2017    00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:44,817
2017    A long time ago.
2017    
2017    226
2017    00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:49,069
2017    If you don't believe me, let me ask you
2017    a question. What year is it?
2017    
2017    227
2017    00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:54,252
2017    I mean, come on.
2017    
2017    228
2017    00:15:56,038 --> 00:16:00,748
2017    What year is it according
2017    to the entire human race?
2017    
2017    229
2017    00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:02,836
2017    And why?
2017    
2017    230
2017    00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,837
2017    What year is it? Anybody?
2017    Sir, just yell out the year.
2017    
2017    231
2017    00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:08,297
2017    Thank you. 20... 2016?
2017    
2017    232
2017    00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:10,184
2017    No, it's 20... That's right.
2017    
2017    233
2017    00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:13,932
2017    It's 2017. What is that?
2017    
2017    234
2017    00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,095
2017    That's a number.
2017    
2017    235
2017    00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:16,681
2017    It's not just any number.
2017    
2017    236
2017    00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:18,687
2017    It must be a very important number.
2017    
2017    237
2017    00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:23,021
2017    'Cause we're counting to it
2017    in unison as a species.
2017    
2017    238
2017    00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,689
2017    For thousands of years, we've been going:
2017    
2017    239
2017    00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:29,526
2017    "One, two, three...

240
00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:31,624
Come on, everybody, four... "
2017    
2017    241
2017    00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:35,329
2017    Now, come on, Africa, five, six..."
2017    
2017    242
2017    00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:40,118
2017    What is this number?
2017    
2017    243
2017    00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:43,498
2017    We're counting the days since what?
2017    
2017    244
2017    00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:45,626
2017    Since there was ever people?
2017    
2017    245
2017    00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:49,593
2017    Or since the sun did something?
2017    
2017    246
2017    00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,298
2017    Not at all.
2017    
2017    247
2017    00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:58,099
2017    It's been 2017 years since what?
2017    Anybody, yell it out.
2017    
2017    248
2017    00:16:58,434 --> 00:16:59,274
2017    Christ!
2017    
2017    249
2017    00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:01,267
2017    Yes. Christ!
2017    
2017    250
2017    00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:05,321
2017    Christ!
2017    
2017    251
2017    00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:07,936
2017    That's right.
2017    
2017    252
2017    00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:16,451
2017    It's been 2017 years since Christ!
2017    
2017    253
2017    00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,001
2017    Jesus.
2017    
2017    254
2017    00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:26,836
2017    We are counting the days since Jesus.
2017    
2017    255
2017    00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,378
2017    Together.
2017    
2017    256
2017    00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,839
2017    Which makes sense if you're Christian.
2017    
2017    257
2017    00:17:31,926 --> 00:17:34,506
2017    But what the fuck
2017    are the rest of us doing?
2017    
2017    258
2017    00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:43,104
2017    "Jesus was here. Jesus was here.
Jesus was here."
2017    
2017    259
2017    00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:45,727
2017    Everybody. Scientists, historians.
2017    
2017    260
2017    00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:47,566
2017    "Jesus.

261
00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,944
Jesus."
2017    
2017    262
2017    00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:56,027
2017    "Jesus plus two, Jesus plus three,
Jesus plus four."
2017    
2017    263
2017    00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:04,998
2017    Jesus plus 2017 years,
2017    four months and three days
2017    
2017    264
2017    00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,844
2017    is when your license expires.
2017    
2017    265
2017    00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:15,642
2017    How is that not a win for the Christians?
2017    
2017    266
2017    00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:18,810
2017    How is that not a complete win?
2017    
2017    267
2017    00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:21,059
2017    That's not a Monday off in October.
2017    
2017    268
2017    00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:31,360
2017    That's, "There was no time before Jesus."
2017    
2017    269
2017    00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,361
2017    And the whole world went, "Okay.
2017    
2017    270
2017    00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,160
2017    Sure."
2017    
2017    271
2017    00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:38,827
2017    Then somebody was like,
2017    "What about the years before him?

272
00:18:39,410 --> 00:18:42,410
There were billions. I mean, infinity."
2017    
2017    273
2017    00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:44,617
2017    Those go backwards.
2017    
2017    274
2017    00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:52,587
2017    "You want us to measure most
of history backwards?

275
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:55,719
To accommodate one religion?"
2017    
2017    276
2017    00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:57,215
2017    Uh-huh.
2017    
2017    277
2017    00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,598
2017    "All right, we'll do it, it's fine.
We'll do it."
2017    
2017    278
2017    00:19:05,019 --> 00:19:07,939
2017    The whole world. You ever watch
2017    New Year's Eve around the world?
2017    
2017    279
2017    00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:11,192
2017    They always show you how every country
2017    celebrates. It's kind of cool.
2017    
2017    280
2017    00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:13,185
2017    The first is one little island.
2017    
2017    281
2017    00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:16,947
2017    It's the first place that's actually
2017    the place that it's the year.
2017    
2017    282
2017    00:19:17,031 --> 00:19:19,121
2017    It's a little island in the Pacific.
2017    I forget.
2017    
2017    283
2017    00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:22,410
2017    They do a little ceremony
2017    for New Year's Eve every year.
2017    
2017    284
2017    00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,285
2017    And they just wear grass.
2017    
2017    285
2017    00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:28,714
2017    'Cause they don't even have sticks yet.
2017    They're in the grass age.
2017    
2017    286
2017    00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:31,924
2017    They have no clocks.
2017    
2017    287
2017    00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:33,707
2017    But they do a dance.
2017    
2017    288
2017    00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:41,349
2017    2017.
2017    
2017    289
2017    00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:46,440
2017    And it goes around the world,
2017    Oh, the 2017.
2017    
2017    290
2017    00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:57,283
2017    Death to all Christians in 2017.
2017    
2017    291
2017    00:20:03,828 --> 00:20:05,448
2017    The Jews are quietly keeping track.
2017    
2017    292
2017    00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,538
2017    It's really 5,766.
2017    
2017    293
2017    00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:09,383
2017    But that's for us. We're just...
2017    
2017    294
2017    00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:10,997
2017    That's okay.
2017    
2017    295
2017    00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:15,628
2017    We're keeping track for when you
2017    snap out of it. It's all right. I'll...
2017    
2017    296
2017    00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:18,426
2017    I'll write yours on my check.
2017    I don't want a problem.
2017    
2017    297
2017    00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:24,720
2017    What about Chinese New Year?
2017    
2017    298
2017    00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:28,099
2017    Yeah, what about Chinese New Year?
2017    
2017    299
2017    00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:32,522
2017    All right,
2017    next time you're doing your taxes,
2017    
2017    300
2017    00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:36,073
2017    just write "monkey" where the year goes.
2017    
2017    301
2017    00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:40,486
2017    Just put monkey.
2017    
2017    302
2017    00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:43,701
2017    See what happens to your funds.
2017    
2017    303
2017    00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:50,043
2017    No. It's 2017, year of our Lord...
2017    
2017    304
2017    00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:53,288
2017    Jesus o'clock on the nose.
2017    
2017    305
2017    00:20:56,005 --> 00:20:57,415
2017    And they made it up,
2017    that's the weirdest part.
2017    
2017    306
2017    00:20:57,506 --> 00:21:01,796
2017    They got to rename years
2017    that had already taken place.
2017    
2017    307
2017    00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:04,683
2017    'Cause, you know,
2017    that's not what those years were.
2017    
2017    308
2017    00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:07,389
2017    You know that, right?
2017    That the year three...
2017    
2017    309
2017    00:21:08,058 --> 00:21:10,098
2017    wasn't the year three...
2017    
2017    310
2017    00:21:10,853 --> 00:21:13,153
2017    during the year three.
2017    
2017    311
2017    00:21:15,024 --> 00:21:18,444
2017    Nobody was walking around back then,
2017    Hey, what year is it? "It's three."
2017    
2017    312
2017    00:21:25,659 --> 00:21:26,869
2017    "Yeah, but I'm 28.

313
00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,248
How can I be 28...

314
00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:35,503
if there's only been three?"
2017    
2017    315
2017    00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:39,631
2017    "Oh, well, see, you were born in BC 24.

316
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,342
And there's a zero.
Remember it went backwards?

317
00:21:42,426 --> 00:21:44,886
Oh, shit. That was stressful.
I hated those years."
2017    
2017    318
2017    00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:47,809
2017    What was that like?
2017    
2017    319
2017    00:21:48,974 --> 00:21:50,184
2017    What year is it? "Ten."
2017    
2017    320
2017    00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:52,190
2017    What year is it now? "Nine."
2017    
2017    321
2017    00:21:53,103 --> 00:21:55,113
2017    What the fuck is gonna happen?!
2017    
2017    322
2017    00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:06,083
2017    So, I don't know what to tell my kids.
2017    
2017    323
2017    00:22:07,368 --> 00:22:10,078
2017    My kids, they wanted a dog.
2017    So, I got them a dog.
2017    
2017    324
2017    00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:13,672
2017    I got them a dog, which was a mistake.
2017    I shouldn't have gotten the dog.
2017    
2017    325
2017    00:22:13,749 --> 00:22:16,249
2017    Because we rescued a dog.
2017    
2017    326
2017    00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:17,835
2017    #NAME?
2017    - Whoo!
2017    
2017    327
2017    00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:21,090
2017    Yes, you must re... yes, always rescue.
2017    
2017    328
2017    00:22:22,591 --> 00:22:24,891
2017    If you get a dog, get a rescue dog.
2017    
2017    329
2017    00:22:24,969 --> 00:22:26,469
2017    Don't get a puppy...
2017    
2017    330
2017    00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:32,603
2017    from those horrible people
2017    who professionally raise dogs carefully.
2017    
2017    331
2017    00:22:34,061 --> 00:22:35,021
2017    No.
2017    
2017    332
2017    00:22:36,605 --> 00:22:39,225
2017    You need to just get a mystery dog...
2017    
2017    333
2017    00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,820
2017    that's been beaten and abused
2017    
2017    334
2017    00:22:44,446 --> 00:22:47,866
2017    and traumatized
2017    on the streets of Puerto Rico.
2017    
2017    335
2017    00:22:48,909 --> 00:22:52,079
2017    And can't talk about it to anyone now.
2017    
2017    336
2017    00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:54,622
2017    They never know.
2017    
2017    337
2017    00:22:55,124 --> 00:22:58,094
2017    Do you know anything about the dog?
2017    "Uh, she's afraid of pennies.

338
00:23:00,254 --> 00:23:03,974
So, we think maybe somebody's been
throwing handfuls of pennies at her face.

339
00:23:05,884 --> 00:23:06,844
But, otherwise, no."
2017    
2017    340
2017    00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:10,719
2017    So, you take this random dog
2017    
2017    341
2017    00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:13,766
2017    and just put it in your house
2017    with your family,
2017    
2017    342
2017    00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:17,730
2017    and watch their personality unfold.
2017    
2017    343
2017    00:23:22,443 --> 00:23:23,943
2017    This dog is insane.
2017    
2017    344
2017    00:23:26,363 --> 00:23:29,533
2017    I'll walk into the kitchen, and the dog
2017    is just standing there alone like this...
2017    
2017    345
2017    00:23:33,370 --> 00:23:34,540
2017    I'm like, "You all right?
2017    
2017    346
2017    00:23:35,956 --> 00:23:37,876
2017    Are you all right?"
2017    
2017    347
2017    00:23:40,586 --> 00:23:42,246
2017    My kids are terrified of the dog.
2017    
2017    348
2017    00:23:43,130 --> 00:23:45,300
2017    My daughter goes to pet the dog,
2017    dog goes like...
2017    
2017    349
2017    00:23:45,382 --> 00:23:49,012
2017    She's like, "Should I pet her?" "I don't
2017    think you should ever pet our dog, honey."
2017    
2017    350
2017    00:23:53,515 --> 00:23:56,345
2017    I took her to the vet.
2017    I took the dog to ask her what to do.
2017    
2017    351
2017    00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:58,725
2017    The vet said,
2017    "Listen, I think there's something

352
00:23:58,812 --> 00:24:00,312
you should seriously consider."
2017    
2017    353
2017    00:24:01,023 --> 00:24:03,193
2017    I was like,
2017    "Please be saying to kill this dog.

354
00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:07,025
Please be a doctor
that says the dog dies now."
2017    
2017    355
2017    00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:10,986
2017    But she didn't. She said...
2017    
2017    356
2017    00:24:11,367 --> 00:24:16,117
2017    She said, "I think you should consider
2017    Prozac... for the dog."
2017    
2017    357
2017    00:24:16,205 --> 00:24:17,495
2017    I was like, "Really?"
2017    
2017    358
2017    00:24:17,581 --> 00:24:20,291
2017    She said, "Yeah, it works.
2017    It calms the dog right down.
2017    
2017    359
2017    00:24:20,376 --> 00:24:22,956
2017    But it's a big decision,
2017    and you should think about it."
2017    
2017    360
2017    00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:25,665
2017    I said,
2017    "Put four in her asshole right now.

361
00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:30,425
What do I have to think about?

362
00:24:31,428 --> 00:24:34,138
I don't give a shit
what she's experiencing.

363
00:24:34,223 --> 00:24:36,233
Fucking fix it.

364
00:24:38,811 --> 00:24:41,111
Give her heroin. Shoot her up."
2017    
2017    365
2017    00:24:51,365 --> 00:24:52,195
2017    Come on, puppy.
2017    
2017    366
2017    00:24:59,415 --> 00:25:00,995
2017    Wow, your dog is really chill.
2017    
2017    367
2017    00:25:02,084 --> 00:25:03,214
2017    "Yeah.

368
00:25:04,169 --> 00:25:06,589
It only costs $400 a day
to keep her like that."
2017    
2017    369
2017    00:25:12,261 --> 00:25:14,851
2017    I didn't always feel this way.
2017    I used to love animals.
2017    
2017    370
2017    00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:16,680
2017    I used to worry about animals.
2017    
2017    371
2017    00:25:16,974 --> 00:25:18,184
2017    Just animals.
2017    
2017    372
2017    00:25:18,934 --> 00:25:23,114
2017    When I was like 20,
2017    "Are all the doggies okay everywhere?

373
00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:26,282
I certainly hope so."
2017    
2017    374
2017    00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:30,487
2017    But I'm 49, and I got two kids now.
2017    
2017    375
2017    00:25:30,571 --> 00:25:34,491
2017    You know what happens?
2017    Your circle of concern tightens.
2017    
2017    376
2017    00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:38,954
2017    I have four nephews.
2017    I don't love any of them.
2017    
2017    377
2017    00:25:43,292 --> 00:25:44,672
2017    Fuck a dog.
2017    
2017    378
2017    00:25:47,588 --> 00:25:51,008
2017    You know those ads, like the PSA
2017    on television about abused animals?
2017    
2017    379
2017    00:25:51,091 --> 00:25:54,051
2017    They show you a dog with, like,
2017    an empty socket, and he's like...
2017    
2017    380
2017    00:25:54,470 --> 00:25:55,680
2017    And they're always wet.
2017    
2017    381
2017    00:25:56,013 --> 00:25:58,523
2017    I feel like they hose them down
2017    before they film them.
2017    
2017    382
2017    00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:04,901
2017    And the voice comes on,
2017    "Look at these dogs.

383
00:26:05,731 --> 00:26:08,571
These dogs are beaten every day.

384
00:26:09,610 --> 00:26:13,950
Please send us money
so that this can stop."
2017    
2017    385
2017    00:26:16,450 --> 00:26:18,040
2017    Are you beating up the dogs?
2017    
2017    386
2017    00:26:22,539 --> 00:26:24,119
2017    How's my money fixing that?
2017    
2017    387
2017    00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:30,258
2017    You see that PSA
2017    where they show you a sad man?
2017    
2017    388
2017    00:26:30,339 --> 00:26:31,839
2017    He's very upset, a very sad man.
2017    
2017    389
2017    00:26:31,924 --> 00:26:35,094
2017    He's holding a little sign,
2017    and it says, "Yeah, sure."
2017    
2017    390
2017    00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:38,639
2017    And he says, "This is the text
2017    that killed my daughter."
2017    
2017    391
2017    00:26:39,097 --> 00:26:43,347
2017    'Cause somebody texted, "Yeah, sure,"
2017    and ran over his kid, which is awful.
2017    
2017    392
2017    00:26:43,602 --> 00:26:45,942
2017    Although maybe they were responding
2017    to a text
2017    
2017    393
2017    00:26:46,313 --> 00:26:48,193
2017    that said,
2017    Can you please kill that kid?
2017    
2017    394
2017    00:26:48,273 --> 00:26:50,153
2017    And so, they just...
2017    
2017    395
2017    00:26:51,109 --> 00:26:52,439
2017    wrote back and did it.
2017    
2017    396
2017    00:26:55,781 --> 00:26:57,451
2017    I'm not saying that makes it better.
2017    
2017    397
2017    00:26:58,992 --> 00:27:00,952
2017    I'm just saying
2017    we don't have all the information.
2017    
2017    398
2017    00:27:05,958 --> 00:27:08,878
2017    My kids and I were having breakfast
2017    the other day,
2017    
2017    399
2017    00:27:09,002 --> 00:27:10,962
2017    and we're listening to NPR.
2017    
2017    400
2017    00:27:11,046 --> 00:27:13,626
2017    We always listen to NPR,
2017    because we're better than you.
2017    
2017    401
2017    00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:15,215
2017    And...
2017    
2017    402
2017    00:27:17,845 --> 00:27:20,345
2017    We're listening to NPR
2017    at breakfast the other morning.
2017    
2017    403
2017    00:27:20,430 --> 00:27:23,100
2017    There was this story
2017    where they kept using this phrase.
2017    
2017    404
2017    00:27:23,183 --> 00:27:25,483
2017    They kept saying, "9/11 deniers."
2017    
2017    405
2017    00:27:25,644 --> 00:27:26,654
2017    They kept saying that.
2017    
2017    406
2017    00:27:26,854 --> 00:27:28,524
2017    9/11 deniers.
2017    
2017    407
2017    00:27:29,064 --> 00:27:30,984
2017    And my daughter was like, "What is that?"
2017    
2017    408
2017    00:27:31,942 --> 00:27:35,952
2017    I said, "Well, it's a group of people that
2017    think September 11th was a conspiracy."
2017    
2017    409
2017    00:27:36,321 --> 00:27:41,331
2017    And she said, "Oh, I thought
2017    they were saying nine 11-deniers."
2017    
2017    410
2017    00:27:47,124 --> 00:27:53,384
2017    Yeah, she thought they meant nine people
2017    who just ain't buying this 11 bullshit.
2017    
2017    411
2017    00:27:56,884 --> 00:28:01,224
2017    Just a small fringe group, really.
2017    There's only nine of them.
2017    
2017    412
2017    00:28:03,515 --> 00:28:05,055
2017    But they still got on NPR.
2017    
2017    413
2017    00:28:05,142 --> 00:28:08,562
2017    They got on the radio
2017    because... they're dedicated.
2017    
2017    414
2017    00:28:09,813 --> 00:28:11,573
2017    They protest every day.
2017    
2017    415
2017    00:28:12,858 --> 00:28:15,488
2017    They're the nine 11-deniers.
2017    
2017    416
2017    00:28:17,029 --> 00:28:20,949
2017    They're outside of the White House,
2017    "It goes, 10, 12, 13!

417
00:28:24,077 --> 00:28:26,327
Me and my eight friends know it!

418
00:28:27,956 --> 00:28:31,166
We are the nine 11-deniers.

419
00:28:34,087 --> 00:28:38,087
We know that 11 is a bullshit number...

420
00:28:39,092 --> 00:28:41,852
propagated on the people by the man.

421
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:46,390
Why do we have 11?

422
00:28:47,684 --> 00:28:49,814
When we have 13,

423
00:28:50,562 --> 00:28:53,732
and 14 and 15...

424
00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:58,149
and 16, 17,

425
00:28:58,779 --> 00:29:02,319
motherfucking 18, and 19,

426
00:29:03,033 --> 00:29:06,123
but we do not have a one-teen.

427
00:29:08,789 --> 00:29:11,039
What happened to one-teen?

428
00:29:12,167 --> 00:29:14,707
The government took one-teen,

429
00:29:14,795 --> 00:29:18,585
and replaced it
with some bullshit called 11.

430
00:29:21,260 --> 00:29:24,180
We are the nine that deny that shit.

431
00:29:27,683 --> 00:29:31,193
Mr. President, give us back one-teen!"
2017    
2017    432
2017    00:29:37,276 --> 00:29:41,146
2017    I don't mean to offend
2017    any Chinese people with this stereotype.
2017    
2017    433
2017    00:29:41,822 --> 00:29:42,662
2017    But...
2017    
2017    434
2017    00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:46,537
2017    "That's right, I'm Chinese, motherfuckers.

435
00:29:47,035 --> 00:29:48,995
I'm from Beijing.

436
00:29:50,664 --> 00:29:53,044
I lived in Shanghai.

437
00:29:55,669 --> 00:29:57,959
I'm Chinese-er than a motherfucker.

438
00:29:59,047 --> 00:30:01,467
Chopsticks and whatnot."
2017    
2017    439
2017    00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:03,470
2017    Ha! All right.
2017    
2017    440
2017    00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:06,175
2017    I'm sorry.
2017    
2017    441
2017    00:30:08,098 --> 00:30:08,968
2017    Here's the thing...
2017    
2017    442
2017    00:30:10,058 --> 00:30:11,518
2017    stereotypes are harmful.
2017    
2017    443
2017    00:30:12,686 --> 00:30:15,306
2017    That's the truth.
2017    But the voices are funny.
2017    
2017    444
2017    00:30:16,565 --> 00:30:19,605
2017    And I don't know how
2017    to reconcile those two facts.
2017    
2017    445
2017    00:30:20,986 --> 00:30:22,486
2017    I enjoy doing the voices.
2017    
2017    446
2017    00:30:23,155 --> 00:30:25,195
2017    But they're offensive.
2017    So, I do them at home.
2017    
2017    447
2017    00:30:26,158 --> 00:30:27,578
2017    I used to do them for my kids.
2017    
2017    448
2017    00:30:27,659 --> 00:30:29,909
2017    They liked them,
2017    didn't know it was a race thing.
2017    
2017    449
2017    00:30:30,495 --> 00:30:32,405
2017    They enjoyed it. "Do the friendly man."
2017    
2017    450
2017    00:30:32,497 --> 00:30:35,127
2017    "You want me
to be the friendly man, little girl?"
2017    
2017    451
2017    00:30:37,336 --> 00:30:38,666
2017    We love the friendly man.
2017    
2017    452
2017    00:30:38,754 --> 00:30:40,464
2017    "He loves little white girls.

453
00:30:40,547 --> 00:30:41,757
Let's have some scrambled eggs."
2017    
2017    454
2017    00:30:50,182 --> 00:30:51,482
2017    They grew up, and I was like,
2017    
2017    455
2017    00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:53,480
2017    "Don't talk about the friendly man
at school.

456
00:30:55,437 --> 00:30:57,517
Maybe don't talk to your teachers
about that."
2017    
2017    457
2017    00:31:02,903 --> 00:31:05,243
2017    My kids go to public school
2017    in New York City.
2017    
2017    458
2017    00:31:05,322 --> 00:31:08,332
2017    Yeah, all right.
2017    
2017    459
2017    00:31:09,242 --> 00:31:10,742
2017    Send your kids there then.
2017    
2017    460
2017    00:31:12,412 --> 00:31:13,752
2017    Yeah, it's good. It's good.
2017    
2017    461
2017    00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:16,422
2017    To teach them
2017    that that's what life is like.
2017    
2017    462
2017    00:31:17,959 --> 00:31:20,589
2017    The teachers amaze me because...
2017    I don't know, the worst...
2017    
2017    463
2017    00:31:20,670 --> 00:31:24,800
2017    Here's the worst thing about this country,
2017    is that there's no more noble profession
2017    
2017    464
2017    00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:26,513
2017    than to be a public school teacher.
2017    
2017    465
2017    00:31:26,593 --> 00:31:28,353
2017    Please. Please, don't.
2017    
2017    466
2017    00:31:28,428 --> 00:31:29,808
2017    You're not gonna like it.
2017    
2017    467
2017    00:31:29,888 --> 00:31:32,308
2017    You're not gonna like where it's going.
2017    
2017    468
2017    00:31:32,933 --> 00:31:35,483
2017    I don't recommend clapping at any things.
2017    
2017    469
2017    00:31:36,103 --> 00:31:38,023
2017    You'll regret it at the end of the thing.
2017    
2017    470
2017    00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:45,491
2017    In a democracy, there's no more
2017    noble contribution you can make
2017    
2017    471
2017    00:31:45,570 --> 00:31:47,160
2017    than to teach in a public school.
2017    
2017    472
2017    00:31:47,239 --> 00:31:51,579
2017    In this country, the people that do that,
2017    they're fucking losers.
2017    
2017    473
2017    00:31:52,452 --> 00:31:57,122
2017    They're just rock-bottom fucking losers!
2017    
2017    474
2017    00:32:01,878 --> 00:32:04,708
2017    And everybody knows it,
2017    but they keep doing it.
2017    
2017    475
2017    00:32:05,257 --> 00:32:09,467
2017    New people are teaching every day,
2017    knowing how shitty it is.
2017    
2017    476
2017    00:32:09,886 --> 00:32:11,676
2017    They show up, tell them ahead of time.
2017    
2017    477
2017    00:32:11,763 --> 00:32:13,473
2017    Hi, what is this job?
2017    
2017    478
2017    00:32:13,557 --> 00:32:15,887
2017    And they say,
2017    "Okay, here's what we need you to do.

479
00:32:15,976 --> 00:32:20,686
We need you to make children know math."
2017    
2017    480
2017    00:32:22,190 --> 00:32:23,650
2017    Wow.
2017    
2017    481
2017    00:32:23,900 --> 00:32:26,950
2017    Do they wanna know math?
2017    "No, they don't want to know it.

482
00:32:27,946 --> 00:32:30,866
You need to make them know it
against their will.

483
00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:36,078
While they're exploding sexually
and beating the shit out of each other."
2017    
2017    484
2017    00:32:42,043 --> 00:32:43,213
2017    Who are these children?
2017    
2017    485
2017    00:32:43,295 --> 00:32:45,335
2017    "Just whatever kids live
near the building."
2017    
2017    486
2017    00:32:54,055 --> 00:32:58,135
2017    Heh. "How much do I get paid?"
2017    About $10 every four years.
2017    
2017    487
2017    00:33:02,522 --> 00:33:04,522
2017    What if I get good at it? What happens?
2017    
2017    488
2017    00:33:04,608 --> 00:33:05,818
2017    "Nothing. Nothing happens.

489
00:33:06,276 --> 00:33:09,316
Nobody notices, and you get fired,
and you die alone."
2017    
2017    490
2017    00:33:13,116 --> 00:33:14,826
2017    Okay, I'll try it for 25 years.
2017    
2017    491
2017    00:33:18,079 --> 00:33:20,169
2017    My daughter is learning
2017    about Greek mythology.
2017    
2017    492
2017    00:33:20,540 --> 00:33:22,380
2017    And she's asking me questions about it.
2017    
2017    493
2017    00:33:22,459 --> 00:33:24,749
2017    She's like,
2017    Daddy, who's Achilles' mother?
2017    
2017    494
2017    00:33:25,045 --> 00:33:27,545
2017    I said, "I don't fucking know.
2017    Don't ask me that shit.
2017    
2017    495
2017    00:33:28,924 --> 00:33:31,804
2017    I don't know who Achilles' mother."
2017    Don't yell out if you know.
2017    
2017    496
2017    00:33:31,885 --> 00:33:34,345
2017    It's Campampetes.
2017    Nobody cares what you know.
2017    
2017    497
2017    00:33:38,517 --> 00:33:40,977
2017    She had a question about Achilles,
2017    it was interesting.
2017    
2017    498
2017    00:33:41,061 --> 00:33:44,111
2017    I'll tell it to you. But first,
2017    the story of Achilles real quick.
2017    
2017    499
2017    00:33:44,189 --> 00:33:46,189
2017    Achilles was a baby.
2017    
2017    500
2017    00:33:46,274 --> 00:33:48,654
2017    He was a Greek baby.
2017    
2017    501
2017    00:33:48,735 --> 00:33:51,525
2017    And... he didn't stay that way.
2017    
2017    502
2017    00:33:51,613 --> 00:33:54,373
2017    But when he was... a Greek baby,
2017    
2017    503
2017    00:33:54,449 --> 00:33:58,789
2017    his mother, who was a goddess,
2017    took him to the River Styx,
2017    
2017    504
2017    00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:00,710
2017    which is at Hades, the land of the dead.
2017    
2017    505
2017    00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:03,122
2017    And she dipped him in the water
2017    of the River Styx
2017    
2017    506
2017    00:34:03,208 --> 00:34:06,378
2017    because there was a magical quality
2017    to that water
2017    
2017    507
2017    00:34:06,461 --> 00:34:09,461
2017    that you would make you impervious
2017    of any harm.
2017    
2017    508
2017    00:34:09,548 --> 00:34:10,628
2017    You couldn't be hurt.
2017    
2017    509
2017    00:34:10,799 --> 00:34:12,089
2017    It was like a shield, right?
2017    
2017    510
2017    00:34:12,259 --> 00:34:15,009
2017    So, she dipped him in that water
2017    to protect him.
2017    
2017    511
2017    00:34:15,554 --> 00:34:17,264
2017    But she held him by the heel.
2017    
2017    512
2017    00:34:17,430 --> 00:34:19,270
2017    That's the important detail.
2017    
2017    513
2017    00:34:19,349 --> 00:34:23,349
2017    Held him by the heel,
2017    which is an awkward way to hold a baby.
2017    
2017    514
2017    00:34:24,938 --> 00:34:26,148
2017    By the heel.
2017    
2017    515
2017    00:34:26,273 --> 00:34:31,323
2017    Try holding a baby by the heel
2017    and dipping it in a river.
2017    
2017    516
2017    00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:35,200
2017    You will never see that baby again.
2017    
2017    517
2017    00:34:36,575 --> 00:34:38,285
2017    That's how to get rid of a baby.
2017    
2017    518
2017    00:34:42,581 --> 00:34:44,711
2017    "I lost the baby in the water.

519
00:34:46,543 --> 00:34:49,593
I was trying to wash him,
and he fell in the river.

520
00:34:52,674 --> 00:34:55,514
I'm sorry, Miss Achilles,
I lost your baby.

521
00:34:56,678 --> 00:34:58,808
You told me to hold him by the heel.

522
00:34:59,431 --> 00:35:00,521
He slipped."
2017    
2017    523
2017    00:35:03,268 --> 00:35:06,098
2017    Because Achilles' mother
2017    has a Mexican nanny.
2017    
2017    524
2017    00:35:06,563 --> 00:35:08,733
2017    It's a lesser-known character
2017    in The Iliad.
2017    
2017    525
2017    00:35:09,566 --> 00:35:10,396
2017    Anyway...
2017    
2017    526
2017    00:35:12,569 --> 00:35:16,619
2017    his mother, she was able to hold on,
2017    of course, because she was a goddess.
2017    
2017    527
2017    00:35:16,865 --> 00:35:19,695
2017    She was the goddess of grip or whatever,
2017    I don't know.
2017    
2017    528
2017    00:35:19,993 --> 00:35:21,623
2017    And she held on.
2017    
2017    529
2017    00:35:22,162 --> 00:35:24,252
2017    And then he was protected,
2017    except on his heel.
2017    
2017    530
2017    00:35:24,331 --> 00:35:25,711
2017    His heel was not protected.
2017    
2017    531
2017    00:35:25,790 --> 00:35:28,290
2017    And so that's what we call
2017    your Achilles heel,
2017    
2017    532
2017    00:35:28,376 --> 00:35:30,086
2017    your one vulnerable place.
2017    
2017    533
2017    00:35:30,170 --> 00:35:32,010
2017    Everybody's got their Achilles heel.
2017    
2017    534
2017    00:35:32,297 --> 00:35:36,377
2017    Achilles' Achilles heel was his heel.
2017    
2017    535
2017    00:35:37,719 --> 00:35:39,349
2017    Like, literally.
2017    
2017    536
2017    00:35:45,060 --> 00:35:47,350
2017    Anyway, so, my daughter,
2017    here was her question.
2017    
2017    537
2017    00:35:47,437 --> 00:35:50,817
2017    She said, "How come his mother
2017    didn't just dip him again?
2017    
2017    538
2017    00:35:52,275 --> 00:35:54,435
2017    She could have just dipped him
2017    one more time...
2017    
2017    539
2017    00:35:55,403 --> 00:35:56,823
2017    with the other leg in there."
2017    
2017    540
2017    00:35:58,114 --> 00:36:00,994
2017    What does she just, like, get...
2017    You're right there.
2017    
2017    541
2017    00:36:02,744 --> 00:36:05,714
2017    Was there, like, a sign that says,
2017    One dip per goddess?
2017    
2017    542
2017    00:36:06,790 --> 00:36:09,460
2017    You ever color an Easter egg?
2017    It's not that complicated.
2017    
2017    543
2017    00:36:09,542 --> 00:36:12,922
2017    You dip it, and then you hold
2017    it differently and dip it again.
2017    
2017    544
2017    00:36:15,632 --> 00:36:17,682
2017    Smart kid. I was proud of her.
2017    
2017    545
2017    00:36:18,259 --> 00:36:21,349
2017    But at the same time, I thought, "Who
2017    the fuck are you to judge this woman?"
2017    
2017    546
2017    00:36:23,515 --> 00:36:24,465
2017    It bothered me.
2017    
2017    547
2017    00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:27,603
2017    'Cause here's what the story
2017    of Achilles teaches me,
2017    
2017    548
2017    00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:29,396
2017    is that, if you're a parent,
2017    
2017    549
2017    00:36:29,479 --> 00:36:32,519
2017    it's never enough what you do
2017    for these motherfuckers.
2017    
2017    550
2017    00:36:33,608 --> 00:36:35,608
2017    It's just never enough.
2017    
2017    551
2017    00:36:36,361 --> 00:36:38,701
2017    It's still gonna be your fault.
2017    
2017    552
2017    00:36:39,989 --> 00:36:42,659
2017    How much more do you want from a mother?
2017    
2017    553
2017    00:36:42,951 --> 00:36:48,831
2017    She dipped her kid in magic water
2017    and protected 99% of his body.
2017    
2017    554
2017    00:36:49,332 --> 00:36:51,632
2017    Is any of it up to him?
2017    
2017    555
2017    00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:56,377
2017    He could have just wore a big shoe
2017    and be careful.
2017    
2017    556
2017    00:36:59,426 --> 00:37:02,926
2017    But he goes out in sandals,
2017    fucking flip flops.
2017    
2017    557
2017    00:37:05,014 --> 00:37:07,354
2017    And a sword, and fights the whole planet.
2017    
2017    558
2017    00:37:07,434 --> 00:37:10,354
2017    I'm Achilles 'cause my mother dipped me.
2017    
2017    559
2017    00:37:13,314 --> 00:37:16,364
2017    Finally, somebody got him in the heel,
2017    and he's like, "Mom!
2017    
2017    560
2017    00:37:20,572 --> 00:37:22,782
2017    Thanks a lot, Mom."
2017    
2017    561
2017    00:37:25,368 --> 00:37:28,118
2017    What's wrong, Achilles?
2017    "My mom didn't dip my heel.

562
00:37:28,788 --> 00:37:31,708
She's so stupid. She ruined it."
2017    
2017    563
2017    00:37:32,792 --> 00:37:35,132
2017    Fuck you, Achilles, you Greek dick.
2017    
2017    564
2017    00:37:38,131 --> 00:37:39,801
2017    I hate the way people talk
2017    about their mothers.
2017    
2017    565
2017    00:37:41,342 --> 00:37:42,802
2017    I was watching a football game,
2017    
2017    566
2017    00:37:42,886 --> 00:37:46,056
2017    and this guy scored a bunch of shit,
2017    whatever, and they were excited.
2017    
2017    567
2017    00:37:46,556 --> 00:37:48,386
2017    So, they asked him about it afterwards.
2017    
2017    568
2017    00:37:48,475 --> 00:37:51,685
2017    And the football player said,
2017    "My mom died last year,

569
00:37:51,853 --> 00:37:56,273
but I know she was watching my game
from heaven tonight."
2017    
2017    570
2017    00:37:56,649 --> 00:37:59,819
2017    And I wanted to be there to say,
2017    "Leave your mother alone.

571
00:38:00,361 --> 00:38:02,031
How dare you.

572
00:38:02,405 --> 00:38:03,735
She's dead."
2017    
2017    573
2017    00:38:03,823 --> 00:38:07,293
2017    I mean, when are you done
2017    with your fucking kids?
2017    
2017    574
2017    00:38:07,994 --> 00:38:12,714
2017    When are you finished
2017    with your fucking kids?
2017    
2017    575
2017    00:38:13,333 --> 00:38:17,593
2017    Even after you're dead, you still have
2017    to go to their fucking games and shit?
2017    
2017    576
2017    00:38:25,178 --> 00:38:27,308
2017    Leave your mother alone.
2017    
2017    577
2017    00:38:27,847 --> 00:38:31,727
2017    She did her job.
2017    She raised you, and it killed her.
2017    
2017    578
2017    00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:38,730
2017    Let her enjoy heaven. Don't you want
2017    your mother to enjoy heaven?
2017    
2017    579
2017    00:38:38,817 --> 00:38:41,067
2017    Isn't that what you want?
2017    Your mom to be just in heaven.
2017    
2017    580
2017    00:38:41,152 --> 00:38:44,162
2017    Whee! This poor woman. Angels were like,
2017    
2017    581
2017    00:38:44,239 --> 00:38:46,489
2017    "We're having a party.
You want to come with us?"
2017    
2017    582
2017    00:38:46,908 --> 00:38:49,288
2017    "I can't. I got to watch my son's game.

583
00:38:50,370 --> 00:38:52,080
He'll be very upset.

584
00:38:53,873 --> 00:38:56,923
Okay, go... He can't fucking hear me.
Why am I doing this?"
2017    
2017    585
2017    00:38:58,461 --> 00:39:02,471
2017    I just think when people die,
2017    it means they did their jobs.
2017    
2017    586
2017    00:39:02,549 --> 00:39:04,089
2017    And you should forget them.
2017    
2017    587
2017    00:39:04,175 --> 00:39:05,215
2017    That's what I think.
2017    
2017    588
2017    00:39:05,593 --> 00:39:08,643
2017    'Cause it's unfair what we put
2017    on dead people.
2017    
2017    589
2017    00:39:08,721 --> 00:39:12,431
2017    Are you watching over me?
2017    Yes, I'm watching all of it.
2017    
2017    590
2017    00:39:16,312 --> 00:39:18,612
2017    You know like an old...
2017    When you see an old couple,
2017    
2017    591
2017    00:39:18,690 --> 00:39:20,570
2017    they've been married for, like, 60 years?
2017    
2017    592
2017    00:39:20,650 --> 00:39:22,570
2017    You know that story?
2017    Everybody loves that.
2017    
2017    593
2017    00:39:22,652 --> 00:39:26,032
2017    The people that always get applause based
2017    on the math of their lives.
2017    
2017    594
2017    00:39:27,699 --> 00:39:29,989
2017    How long you been married?
2017    Sixty years.
2017    
2017    595
2017    00:39:30,076 --> 00:39:31,156
2017    Aw.
2017    
2017    596
2017    00:39:31,452 --> 00:39:33,292
2017    Aw.
2017    
2017    597
2017    00:39:35,999 --> 00:39:39,039
2017    Isn't that automatically wonderful?
2017    
2017    598
2017    00:39:40,503 --> 00:39:41,713
2017    How do you know?
2017    
2017    599
2017    00:39:42,297 --> 00:39:43,837
2017    You just know how long it's been.
2017    
2017    600
2017    00:39:45,300 --> 00:39:49,720
2017    For 60 years, every morning,
2017    he tells me I'm a piece of shit.
2017    
2017    601
2017    00:39:56,060 --> 00:39:58,650
2017    Let's just say
2017    this is a happy couple, okay?
2017    
2017    602
2017    00:40:00,231 --> 00:40:03,531
2017    They love each other.
2017    They've been married for 60 years.
2017    
2017    603
2017    00:40:03,902 --> 00:40:06,072
2017    That's longer
2017    than most people wanna be alive.
2017    
2017    604
2017    00:40:06,154 --> 00:40:08,414
2017    And they've been together that long.
2017    
2017    605
2017    00:40:08,489 --> 00:40:11,449
2017    And now they're just an old couple.
2017    And they just walk together.
2017    
2017    606
2017    00:40:11,534 --> 00:40:13,164
2017    You know when you see two people...
2017    
2017    607
2017    00:40:14,078 --> 00:40:16,578
2017    They don't need anybody else,
2017    just the two of them.
2017    
2017    608
2017    00:40:16,664 --> 00:40:18,464
2017    This is both of them. They just walk.
2017    
2017    609
2017    00:40:19,792 --> 00:40:22,802
2017    They always walk somewhere,
2017    nobody walks there. There's trash.
2017    
2017    610
2017    00:40:26,674 --> 00:40:27,724
2017    There's trucks.
2017    
2017    611
2017    00:40:30,470 --> 00:40:33,100
2017    He's wearing a suit that is not a color.
2017    
2017    612
2017    00:40:36,726 --> 00:40:40,186
2017    She's wearing a dress that's like
2017    a triangle, like a kid drew it.
2017    
2017    613
2017    00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:43,361
2017    It's just, fucking,
2017    a dress with fruit on it.
2017    
2017    614
2017    00:40:43,441 --> 00:40:44,531
2017    Nobody cares.
2017    
2017    615
2017    00:40:46,235 --> 00:40:47,855
2017    And they just walk every day.
2017    
2017    616
2017    00:40:49,864 --> 00:40:50,954
2017    It's cold.
2017    
2017    617
2017    00:40:51,616 --> 00:40:52,866
2017    Yeah, it's cold.
2017    
2017    618
2017    00:40:55,745 --> 00:40:58,115
2017    You want to go to the store
2017    and get a cracker?
2017    
2017    619
2017    00:40:58,915 --> 00:41:01,125
2017    Yeah, let's get a cracker
2017    at the store.
2017    
2017    620
2017    00:41:03,336 --> 00:41:04,166
2017    Yeah.
2017    
2017    621
2017    00:41:14,347 --> 00:41:17,177
2017    And then one day, usually he dies first.
2017    
2017    622
2017    00:41:18,393 --> 00:41:20,063
2017    They're walking, and he goes...
2017    
2017    623
2017    00:41:23,648 --> 00:41:25,188
2017    And she says, "Richard!"
2017    
2017    624
2017    00:41:28,945 --> 00:41:30,695
2017    Richard!
2017    
2017    625
2017    00:41:35,451 --> 00:41:36,541
2017    And he dies.
2017    
2017    626
2017    00:41:41,332 --> 00:41:42,462
2017    So, now it's just her.
2017    
2017    627
2017    00:41:43,584 --> 00:41:44,594
2017    Just Rose.
2017    
2017    628
2017    00:41:46,379 --> 00:41:47,509
2017    And she's alone.
2017    
2017    629
2017    00:41:48,089 --> 00:41:49,919
2017    And now she just stands in their house.
2017    
2017    630
2017    00:41:53,636 --> 00:41:56,006
2017    Somebody goes to get Rose
2017    'cause there's a wedding.
2017    
2017    631
2017    00:41:56,389 --> 00:41:58,809
2017    "Come on, Rose. Nadine's getting married.

632
00:41:59,017 --> 00:42:01,517
Nadine...
It doesn't matter, just fucking come on.

633
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:07,030
Come on. Fucking come on.

634
00:42:08,317 --> 00:42:09,147
Fuck!"
2017    
2017    635
2017    00:42:10,361 --> 00:42:11,861
2017    Just want to push her from beh...
2017    
2017    636
2017    00:42:15,825 --> 00:42:17,615
2017    She lives ten more years.
2017    
2017    637
2017    00:42:17,869 --> 00:42:19,619
2017    Ten years after Richard dies.
2017    
2017    638
2017    00:42:20,038 --> 00:42:22,708
2017    And then ten years later,
2017    now she's laying in a bed.
2017    
2017    639
2017    00:42:22,957 --> 00:42:23,917
2017    She's dying.
2017    
2017    640
2017    00:42:24,292 --> 00:42:26,422
2017    Somebody's there with her, on their phone.
2017    
2017    641
2017    00:42:36,387 --> 00:42:38,217
2017    So, Rose is dying, and she says:
2017    
2017    642
2017    00:42:38,306 --> 00:42:44,806
2017    "Well, at least now
I get to be with my Richard... forever."
2017    
2017    643
2017    00:42:45,772 --> 00:42:47,612
2017    Where did she get that idea?
2017    
2017    644
2017    00:42:48,191 --> 00:42:49,651
2017    Where did that come from?
2017    
2017    645
2017    00:42:50,151 --> 00:42:51,361
2017    I've looked it up.
2017    
2017    646
2017    00:42:51,778 --> 00:42:53,738
2017    No religion teaches
2017    
2017    647
2017    00:42:54,072 --> 00:42:58,162
2017    that when you die, you get to ruin heaven
2017    for your dead spouse.
2017    
2017    648
2017    00:42:59,994 --> 00:43:01,584
2017    Why is that fair?
2017    
2017    649
2017    00:43:02,038 --> 00:43:03,408
2017    Who gets...
2017    
2017    650
2017    00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:05,923
2017    Richard's been dead for ten years.
2017    
2017    651
2017    00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:08,420
2017    He's been in heaven for ten years.
2017    
2017    652
2017    00:43:08,711 --> 00:43:11,591
2017    And somebody comes up to him,
2017    Hey, your wife is coming.
2017    
2017    653
2017    00:43:19,597 --> 00:43:20,427
2017    "What?

654
00:43:22,266 --> 00:43:25,096
Excuse me. What did you just walk up
and say to me just now?"
2017    
2017    655
2017    00:43:27,438 --> 00:43:30,108
2017    "Yeah, Rose just died.
She'll be here in about 20 minutes.

656
00:43:31,692 --> 00:43:34,282
They've just got to hose her down
and tape the wings on.

657
00:43:35,321 --> 00:43:37,281
And then you're gonna be together
forever."
2017    
2017    658
2017    00:43:41,828 --> 00:43:43,498
2017    "Wait a minute. Fuck.

659
00:43:45,123 --> 00:43:47,213
You said this was heaven. Why is this...

660
00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:51,460
I have a girlfriend here now.
I don't wanna fucking... "
2017    
2017    661
2017    00:43:53,548 --> 00:43:56,878
2017    She's the love of your life. "She's not
2017    the love of my death, motherfucker."
2017    
2017    662
2017    00:44:04,225 --> 00:44:06,435
2017    That's marriage. Marriage is a big deal.
2017    
2017    663
2017    00:44:06,519 --> 00:44:07,559
2017    Marriage is a big deal.
2017    
2017    664
2017    00:44:07,645 --> 00:44:10,605
2017    I went to a wedding the other day.
2017    I went to a gay wedding.
2017    
2017    665
2017    00:44:10,690 --> 00:44:13,730
2017    I've been to a lot of gay weddings,
2017    which is not true.
2017    
2017    666
2017    00:44:15,319 --> 00:44:18,659
2017    It's not true at all.
2017    But... I did go to one.
2017    
2017    667
2017    00:44:21,826 --> 00:44:24,446
2017    But I don't go to weddings, generally,
2017    
2017    668
2017    00:44:24,537 --> 00:44:26,157
2017    because I don't like them. I hate it.
2017    
2017    669
2017    00:44:26,747 --> 00:44:30,587
2017    Don't invite me. Really. I think it's rude
2017    to invite people to your wedding. I do.
2017    
2017    670
2017    00:44:30,835 --> 00:44:33,125
2017    Nobody's happy to get that shit.
2017    
2017    671
2017    00:44:33,754 --> 00:44:34,964
2017    You make it all pretty.
2017    
2017    672
2017    00:44:35,047 --> 00:44:39,007
2017    And they're like, "Aw, fuck!
2017    This is gonna suck!"
2017    
2017    673
2017    00:44:41,470 --> 00:44:44,060
2017    "Here's a helpful list of places
to stay... "
2017    
2017    674
2017    00:44:44,140 --> 00:44:46,600
2017    "Oh, great.
I get to live in a La Quinta...

675
00:44:48,311 --> 00:44:50,151
in Reading, Pennsylvania

676
00:44:51,397 --> 00:44:53,067
for three days...

677
00:44:54,150 --> 00:44:56,990
because you want to get married
for a couple of years."
2017    
2017    678
2017    00:45:00,990 --> 00:45:03,530
2017    Nobody wants to watch you
2017    start your shitty thing.
2017    
2017    679
2017    00:45:03,618 --> 00:45:04,658
2017    Nobody wants to see it.
2017    
2017    680
2017    00:45:06,662 --> 00:45:09,832
2017    Everybody's in a shitty thing.
2017    That's what it is to be with somebody.
2017    
2017    681
2017    00:45:10,249 --> 00:45:13,089
2017    You're either alone,
2017    or you're in a shitty thing.
2017    
2017    682
2017    00:45:13,544 --> 00:45:15,884
2017    That covers 100% of human beings.
2017    
2017    683
2017    00:45:18,424 --> 00:45:22,094
2017    I can see there's young couples here.
2017    You're like, "No, we're in a good one...
2017    
2017    684
2017    00:45:23,179 --> 00:45:24,259
2017    It's really good."
2017    
2017    685
2017    00:45:24,347 --> 00:45:26,267
2017    "Yeah, fuck you.
Who do you think you are?

686
00:45:26,849 --> 00:45:28,939
It just didn't get shitty yet.

687
00:45:30,394 --> 00:45:32,984
So arrogant."
2017    Yeah, I think we figured it out.
2017    
2017    688
2017    00:45:33,064 --> 00:45:34,984
2017    No... Yeah, you're the first ones.
2017    
2017    689
2017    00:45:38,736 --> 00:45:41,276
2017    Of course it's going to get shitty.
2017    That's part of it.
2017    
2017    690
2017    00:45:41,572 --> 00:45:43,572
2017    It's like going to a horror movie,
2017    
2017    691
2017    00:45:43,658 --> 00:45:46,578
2017    and in the first minute, you're like,
2017    I think they're all gonna be fine.
2017    
2017    692
2017    00:45:47,912 --> 00:45:49,412
2017    No, they're all gonna die.
2017    
2017    693
2017    00:45:50,748 --> 00:45:53,248
2017    And you're gonna hate the person
2017    you love right now.
2017    
2017    694
2017    00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:57,134
2017    That's the way it works.
2017    Love plus time minus distance equals hate.
2017    
2017    695
2017    00:45:57,213 --> 00:45:58,463
2017    That's just the way it goes.
2017    
2017    696
2017    00:46:01,550 --> 00:46:03,680
2017    I'm not saying don't do it.
2017    You should do it.
2017    
2017    697
2017    00:46:04,053 --> 00:46:06,893
2017    It's the best thing.
2017    It's the best part of life, love is.
2017    
2017    698
2017    00:46:06,973 --> 00:46:09,933
2017    But don't be greedy and expect it to last.
2017    
2017    699
2017    00:46:10,601 --> 00:46:15,611
2017    Don't be amazed that a butterfly died
2017    'cause you shot it in the face.
2017    
2017    700
2017    00:46:19,235 --> 00:46:22,025
2017    Just fall in love, make a fucking mess.
2017    
2017    701
2017    00:46:22,530 --> 00:46:24,990
2017    It goes shitty,
2017    you don't realize it until too late.
2017    
2017    702
2017    00:46:25,074 --> 00:46:28,164
2017    And then you cry a lot and move on.
2017    It's the best part of life.
2017    
2017    703
2017    00:46:28,786 --> 00:46:31,326
2017    It is. I've always loved love.
2017    
2017    704
2017    00:46:31,414 --> 00:46:37,174
2017    It's always been my favorite part of life
2017    is meeting somebody and going, "Oh, shit!
2017    
2017    705
2017    00:46:37,795 --> 00:46:39,705
2017    That person!" That's the best feeling.
2017    
2017    706
2017    00:46:39,797 --> 00:46:43,217
2017    Now, why the fuck would that just,
2017    "Oh, yeah!

707
00:46:43,467 --> 00:46:48,137
For years, for our whole lives,
just, aw, yeah!"
2017    
2017    708
2017    00:46:48,556 --> 00:46:50,726
2017    That's insane to expect that.
2017    
2017    709
2017    00:46:52,852 --> 00:46:54,812
2017    It's a little thing you get to catch.
2017    
2017    710
2017    00:46:55,229 --> 00:46:57,979
2017    And then it rots and dies.
2017    That's just the way it goes.
2017    
2017    711
2017    00:47:00,026 --> 00:47:04,196
2017    It's like if you see a person in the park
2017    making bubbles with a big wand with soap.
2017    
2017    712
2017    00:47:04,321 --> 00:47:07,621
2017    And sometimes they make a really big one,
2017    and everybody goes, "Oh, yeah!
2017    
2017    713
2017    00:47:07,700 --> 00:47:09,370
2017    Shit. Okay, that's all."
2017    
2017    714
2017    00:47:11,370 --> 00:47:15,420
2017    You don't stand over it, "Liar!"
2017    You don't get mad at the soap stain.
2017    
2017    715
2017    00:47:17,668 --> 00:47:19,128
2017    It gets so shitty, man.
2017    
2017    716
2017    00:47:20,087 --> 00:47:21,087
2017    It does.
2017    
2017    717
2017    00:47:24,175 --> 00:47:25,715
2017    Whoo!
2017    
2017    718
2017    00:47:26,927 --> 00:47:30,807
2017    All the little intricate parts.
2017    Like, I was in an e-mail fight recently.
2017    
2017    719
2017    00:47:31,891 --> 00:47:33,231
2017    You ever been in an e-mail fight?
2017    
2017    720
2017    00:47:33,309 --> 00:47:34,939
2017    Some of you are in an e-mail fight
2017    right now.
2017    
2017    721
2017    00:47:36,979 --> 00:47:39,359
2017    You know, an e-mail fight.
2017    Not a text fight.
2017    
2017    722
2017    00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:41,980
2017    A text fight is like, "Fuck you." Boop!
2017    
2017    723
2017    00:47:42,568 --> 00:47:44,448
2017    Yeah, fuck you. Byew.
2017    
2017    724
2017    00:47:45,529 --> 00:47:46,739
2017    Dick. Boop!
2017    
2017    725
2017    00:47:48,115 --> 00:47:49,865
2017    Asshole. Byew.
2017    
2017    726
2017    00:47:52,286 --> 00:47:53,246
2017    That's a text fight.
2017    
2017    727
2017    00:47:54,330 --> 00:47:59,710
2017    An e-mail fight is like, "In June
2017    when I told you that I had this issue,
2017    
2017    728
2017    00:47:59,794 --> 00:48:04,474
2017    I was very disappointed
2017    in the way you didn't listen."
2017    
2017    729
2017    00:48:06,884 --> 00:48:09,724
2017    You know, those e-mails,
2017    you just work on it all night.
2017    
2017    730
2017    00:48:10,096 --> 00:48:12,806
2017    Like it's the closing argument
2017    to a murder case.
2017    
2017    731
2017    00:48:12,890 --> 00:48:16,600
2017    It's so important, your fucking e-mail.
2017    
2017    732
2017    00:48:18,479 --> 00:48:22,019
2017    You're pounding it out like Beethoven,
2017    and you're pouring water on your head,
2017    
2017    733
2017    00:48:22,108 --> 00:48:25,278
2017    and going deaf and still working on it.
2017    
2017    734
2017    00:48:26,654 --> 00:48:28,204
2017    And then you send it somebody.
2017    
2017    735
2017    00:48:28,280 --> 00:48:31,990
2017    "Can you read this
and tell me if it's fair what I wrote?

736
00:48:33,327 --> 00:48:35,247
Start at the bottom."
2017    
2017    737
2017    00:48:37,373 --> 00:48:39,883
2017    And they write back,
2017    I made a few changes.
2017    
2017    738
2017    00:48:39,959 --> 00:48:43,209
2017    "Oh, thank you.
That really captures my voice. And yet..."
2017    
2017    739
2017    00:48:44,630 --> 00:48:46,590
2017    You send it to somebody else,
2017    they're like:
2017    
2017    740
2017    00:48:46,674 --> 00:48:51,724
2017    "I would take out 'Eat shit, fuck face, '
because it clouds your better points."
2017    
2017    741
2017    00:48:53,139 --> 00:48:55,559
2017    And you're like,
2017    Fuck you, I'm going to keep it.
2017    
2017    742
2017    00:48:58,144 --> 00:48:59,774
2017    And then finally, you send it.
2017    
2017    743
2017    00:49:01,856 --> 00:49:03,146
2017    And you're like, "Hmm."
2017    
2017    744
2017    00:49:04,191 --> 00:49:07,651
2017    And then you feel really good.
2017    I finally said it. Finally.
2017    
2017    745
2017    00:49:08,362 --> 00:49:12,032
2017    And you have this fantasy that they're
2017    at home reading it right now going...
2017    
2017    746
2017    00:49:16,412 --> 00:49:19,792
2017    I'm wrong about all of the things.
2017    
2017    747
2017    00:49:26,672 --> 00:49:28,802
2017    During the day,
2017    they haven't written back yet,
2017    
2017    748
2017    00:49:28,883 --> 00:49:31,183
2017    and you know
2017    it's 'cause you just bewitched them.
2017    
2017    749
2017    00:49:32,636 --> 00:49:35,386
2017    And you decide,
2017    "I'm going to read my e-mail.

750
00:49:37,057 --> 00:49:39,557
I'm going to read the e-mail
that I wrote."
2017    
2017    751
2017    00:49:41,812 --> 00:49:44,942
2017    Is there any more disgusting
2017    modern human behavior
2017    
2017    752
2017    00:49:45,566 --> 00:49:49,066
2017    than reading
2017    your own already sent e-mails?
2017    
2017    753
2017    00:49:49,653 --> 00:49:55,033
2017    Is there any more scratching your asshole
2017    and smelling your finger than that?
2017    
2017    754
2017    00:49:58,204 --> 00:49:59,664
2017    I do it all the time.
2017    
2017    755
2017    00:50:01,415 --> 00:50:03,575
2017    So, that's what I did.
2017    I was in an e-mail fight.
2017    
2017    756
2017    00:50:04,293 --> 00:50:05,133
2017    And...
2017    
2017    757
2017    00:50:06,337 --> 00:50:09,087
2017    And I looked in the sent folder,
2017    where it's all...
2017    
2017    758
2017    00:50:09,173 --> 00:50:11,763
2017    That's it. It's in stone.
2017    You can't change that anymore.
2017    
2017    759
2017    00:50:12,301 --> 00:50:14,351
2017    I realized I left something there
2017    by mistake.
2017    
2017    760
2017    00:50:14,428 --> 00:50:16,848
2017    I left something at the top of the e-mail
2017    by mistake.
2017    
2017    761
2017    00:50:16,931 --> 00:50:20,731
2017    And it said, "This is my latest draft.
2017    What do you think?"
2017    
2017    762
2017    00:50:28,192 --> 00:50:30,112
2017    So, now the rest of it is just shit.
2017    
2017    763
2017    00:50:30,194 --> 00:50:31,744
2017    It's shit now!
2017    
2017    764
2017    00:50:33,239 --> 00:50:36,239
2017    'Cause she knows
2017    I have a writing staff and a focus group.
2017    
2017    765
2017    00:50:38,619 --> 00:50:41,289
2017    There should be credits
2017    at the end of this fucking e-mail.
2017    
2017    766
2017    00:50:42,498 --> 00:50:45,458
2017    Approved by mother and sister.
2017    
2017    767
2017    00:50:51,340 --> 00:50:53,760
2017    I don't know.
2017    Love is worth it, though. It really is.
2017    
2017    768
2017    00:50:54,843 --> 00:50:56,053
2017    It's worth it. It is.
2017    
2017    769
2017    00:50:56,136 --> 00:50:59,596
2017    I mean, I've always been...
2017    I've always pursued love my whole life.
2017    
2017    770
2017    00:50:59,682 --> 00:51:02,482
2017    Even when I was a kid, I loved girls.
2017    I loved them.
2017    
2017    771
2017    00:51:02,559 --> 00:51:03,439
2017    And there was all...
2017    
2017    772
2017    00:51:03,519 --> 00:51:07,019
2017    When I was 12, I discovered
2017    that girls are the greatest thing.
2017    
2017    773
2017    00:51:07,356 --> 00:51:10,816
2017    I would ask them out. That's what I did.
2017    I walked up and asked them out.
2017    
2017    774
2017    00:51:10,943 --> 00:51:11,783
2017    I had no fear.
2017    
2017    775
2017    00:51:12,361 --> 00:51:15,111
2017    I'd go up to any girl I liked,
2017    You want to go out with me?
2017    
2017    776
2017    00:51:15,197 --> 00:51:16,487
2017    And she was like, "No!"
2017    
2017    777
2017    00:51:17,825 --> 00:51:21,035
2017    You weren't supposed to do that.
2017    You weren't supposed to ask her out.
2017    
2017    778
2017    00:51:21,120 --> 00:51:22,200
2017    There was a system.
2017    
2017    779
2017    00:51:22,288 --> 00:51:24,788
2017    My daughters told me
2017    it still works this way in school.
2017    
2017    780
2017    00:51:24,873 --> 00:51:28,213
2017    There's a thing
2017    where the boy asks his friend
2017    
2017    781
2017    00:51:29,169 --> 00:51:33,009
2017    to ask her friend to ask her
2017    
2017    782
2017    00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:34,880
2017    what she would say...
2017    
2017    783
2017    00:51:36,969 --> 00:51:38,389
2017    if he asked her out.
2017    
2017    784
2017    00:51:39,096 --> 00:51:43,726
2017    How do children just know this...
2017    Elizabethan parlor thing?
2017    
2017    785
2017    00:51:47,813 --> 00:51:48,903
2017    Twelve-year-old boy.
2017    
2017    786
2017    00:51:48,981 --> 00:51:51,401
2017    "Please inquire after her maiden friend.

787
00:51:54,028 --> 00:51:56,948
Were I to request her presence...

788
00:51:58,157 --> 00:52:01,037
what might be her answer?"
2017    
2017    789
2017    00:52:04,872 --> 00:52:09,712
2017    "Indeed, my lady would enjoy...
your company, sir,

790
00:52:10,085 --> 00:52:13,085
were you to make your desires known."
2017    
2017    791
2017    00:52:15,841 --> 00:52:16,761
2017    "That is well.

792
00:52:19,595 --> 00:52:21,215
May I finger her?"
2017    
2017    793
2017    00:52:31,398 --> 00:52:32,978
2017    "You are bold, sir.

794
00:52:36,445 --> 00:52:38,355
And finger her, you may."
2017    
2017    795
2017    00:52:44,787 --> 00:52:47,287
2017    And finger her, I shall.
2017    
2017    796
2017    00:53:28,038 --> 00:53:30,368
2017    Anyway,
2017    I didn't do any of that myself.
2017    
2017    797
2017    00:53:30,457 --> 00:53:32,707
2017    I just would just ask them out.
2017    
2017    798
2017    00:53:36,046 --> 00:53:37,966
2017    They always said no. Girls said no to me.
2017    
2017    799
2017    00:53:38,924 --> 00:53:39,844
2017    Until Rachel.
2017    
2017    800
2017    00:53:40,509 --> 00:53:42,889
2017    Rachel was the first girl who said yes.
2017    
2017    801
2017    00:53:43,053 --> 00:53:46,723
2017    I asked her to the dance
2017    in eighth grade, and she said yes.
2017    
2017    802
2017    00:53:46,932 --> 00:53:51,102
2017    Happiest moment of my life, even to now.
2017    
2017    803
2017    00:53:52,604 --> 00:53:53,734
2017    I never beat it.
2017    
2017    804
2017    00:53:55,774 --> 00:53:58,444
2017    Anyway, Rachel said,
2017    Yes, I'll go to the dance with you.
2017    
2017    805
2017    00:53:58,527 --> 00:53:59,697
2017    So, we went to the dance.
2017    
2017    806
2017    00:53:59,778 --> 00:54:02,158
2017    I was 13.
2017    It was my first time with a girl.
2017    
2017    807
2017    00:54:02,698 --> 00:54:05,618
2017    About five minutes into the dance,
2017    she comes to me and she says,
2017    
2017    808
2017    00:54:05,701 --> 00:54:07,331
2017    Do you mind if I dance with Jeff?
2017    
2017    809
2017    00:54:09,037 --> 00:54:11,077
2017    I was like, "Okay."
2017    
2017    810
2017    00:54:12,207 --> 00:54:15,457
2017    'Cause what other moves did I have...
2017    at 13?
2017    
2017    811
2017    00:54:15,544 --> 00:54:17,924
2017    What else are you gonna say?
2017    Do you mind if I dance with Jeff?
2017    
2017    812
2017    00:54:18,589 --> 00:54:20,469
2017    "Yeah, I do. I mind very much.

813
00:54:21,508 --> 00:54:23,468
What the fuck do you think this is,
Rachel?

814
00:54:27,222 --> 00:54:29,982
You know what? Get your shit.
We're leaving right now.

815
00:54:30,058 --> 00:54:32,018
Shut the fuck up, Rachel.
I swear to God."
2017    
2017    816
2017    00:54:34,480 --> 00:54:36,020
2017    I didn't have any of those tools.
2017    
2017    817
2017    00:54:38,775 --> 00:54:40,935
2017    So, I said, "Okay,"
2017    and she danced with Jeff.
2017    
2017    818
2017    00:54:41,570 --> 00:54:44,660
2017    And made out with Jeff and left with Jeff.
2017    
2017    819
2017    00:54:44,740 --> 00:54:46,740
2017    That was it.
2017    
2017    820
2017    00:54:47,075 --> 00:54:48,115
2017    And I learned...
2017    
2017    821
2017    00:54:48,535 --> 00:54:50,245
2017    That guy Jeff... this is a true story.
2017    
2017    822
2017    00:54:50,329 --> 00:54:52,749
2017    That guy Jeff, he's a woman now.
2017    
2017    823
2017    00:54:53,665 --> 00:54:54,825
2017    That's what happened.
2017    
2017    824
2017    00:54:54,917 --> 00:54:55,917
2017    It's true.
2017    
2017    825
2017    00:54:57,377 --> 00:55:01,417
2017    I was looking up on Facebook people
2017    from my past, and he's a woman.
2017    
2017    826
2017    00:55:01,507 --> 00:55:04,927
2017    And she has a whole blog on Facebook
2017    about becoming a woman.
2017    
2017    827
2017    00:55:05,177 --> 00:55:08,467
2017    I was up all night reading it.
2017    I was crying. It was amazing.
2017    
2017    828
2017    00:55:08,764 --> 00:55:10,774
2017    I was like, "This is incredible."
2017    
2017    829
2017    00:55:11,725 --> 00:55:14,385
2017    And then at the end,
2017    there's a picture of her with hair.
2017    
2017    830
2017    00:55:14,478 --> 00:55:18,648
2017    And she says, "I didn't change.
2017    I knew what I was all along.
2017    
2017    831
2017    00:55:18,732 --> 00:55:21,692
2017    I knew I was a girl
2017    since I was 6 years old."
2017    
2017    832
2017    00:55:22,319 --> 00:55:26,029
2017    And I read that, and I thought,
2017    "Why did you take my fucking date then?

833
00:55:27,616 --> 00:55:31,196
You knew? You piece of shit!
Fuck you, Jeff!

834
00:55:33,163 --> 00:55:36,253
Fuck you and your journey.
I don't give a shit now.

835
00:55:38,043 --> 00:55:43,843
Hooray for transgender, but fuck you,
because you're just an asshole.

836
00:55:44,508 --> 00:55:47,258
Who became a cunt. That's what happened."
2017    
2017    837
2017    00:55:54,768 --> 00:55:56,898
2017    I envy transgender people, though. I do.
2017    
2017    838
2017    00:55:56,979 --> 00:55:59,309
2017    It's a tough road,
2017    but I envy them on this level
2017    
2017    839
2017    00:55:59,398 --> 00:56:03,858
2017    that they figured out what's going on
2017    with them, and they fixed it.
2017    
2017    840
2017    00:56:03,944 --> 00:56:08,574
2017    What an amazing gift,
2017    to know what the fuck is wrong with you.
2017    
2017    841
2017    00:56:09,366 --> 00:56:10,986
2017    Who else gets to have that?
2017    
2017    842
2017    00:56:11,076 --> 00:56:14,406
2017    It's just a mushy,
2017    I don't fucking have any idea!
2017    
2017    843
2017    00:56:15,414 --> 00:56:17,714
2017    I would give a million dollars
2017    to just wake up,
2017    
2017    844
2017    00:56:17,791 --> 00:56:20,421
2017    "Oh, I'm an owl.
That's what the thing is.

845
00:56:24,131 --> 00:56:27,181
I've just got to blink slow
and eat a mouse."
2017    
2017    846
2017    00:56:36,393 --> 00:56:37,773
2017    'Cause life is very confusing.
2017    
2017    847
2017    00:56:37,853 --> 00:56:41,483
2017    Even I'm 49 years old, and I haven't found
2017    a cruising altitude to my identity.
2017    
2017    848
2017    00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:44,899
2017    I'm still fucking confused.
2017    
2017    849
2017    00:56:45,527 --> 00:56:49,407
2017    I get new feelings, and they upset me.
2017    I don't like new feelings.
2017    
2017    850
2017    00:56:49,489 --> 00:56:52,659
2017    I want to know what I like and get it
2017    and just die.
2017    
2017    851
2017    00:56:52,743 --> 00:56:54,583
2017    That's what I want to do at this point.
2017    
2017    852
2017    00:56:54,995 --> 00:56:58,825
2017    Like I have a weird relationship
2017    with this movie that's on cable sometimes.
2017    
2017    853
2017    00:56:58,915 --> 00:57:01,915
2017    It's called Magic Mike.
2017    You ever seen this movie? Magic Mike.
2017    
2017    854
2017    00:57:03,211 --> 00:57:06,881
2017    For those of you who are watching this
2017    on video many years from now,
2017    
2017    855
2017    00:57:07,716 --> 00:57:09,966
2017    Magic Mike was a movie
2017    about male strippers
2017    
2017    856
2017    00:57:10,594 --> 00:57:12,764
2017    starring Matthew McConaughey
2017    and Channing Tatum.
2017    
2017    857
2017    00:57:13,055 --> 00:57:14,135
2017    Whoo!
2017    
2017    858
2017    00:57:14,222 --> 00:57:17,812
2017    It was a very different country
2017    when it was made
2017    
2017    859
2017    00:57:17,893 --> 00:57:19,313
2017    from whenever you're watching.
2017    
2017    860
2017    00:57:19,853 --> 00:57:20,693
2017    But anyway...
2017    
2017    861
2017    00:57:22,397 --> 00:57:24,107
2017    We had a whole other thing going on.
2017    
2017    862
2017    00:57:25,275 --> 00:57:26,815
2017    This building's not here anymore.
2017    
2017    863
2017    00:57:31,156 --> 00:57:31,986
2017    But...
2017    
2017    864
2017    00:57:33,075 --> 00:57:36,615
2017    You're watching it on a dusty thing,
2017    and it's all rubble.
2017    
2017    865
2017    00:57:37,120 --> 00:57:38,370
2017    And you're watching this.
2017    
2017    866
2017    00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:41,035
2017    I don't know why you're watching this
2017    out of everything.
2017    
2017    867
2017    00:57:44,002 --> 00:57:48,262
2017    But when things were real easy,
2017    we made movies like Magic Mike.
2017    
2017    868
2017    00:57:48,340 --> 00:57:51,640
2017    It's just a nice movie
2017    about men who strip.
2017    
2017    869
2017    00:57:53,345 --> 00:57:56,515
2017    And every time I'm flipping around
2017    and it comes on, I always stop.
2017    
2017    870
2017    00:57:58,517 --> 00:58:01,137
2017    And then I play a little game of chicken
2017    with this movie.
2017    
2017    871
2017    00:58:04,106 --> 00:58:06,526
2017    I stop because it's a good movie.
2017    It's well made,
2017    
2017    872
2017    00:58:06,817 --> 00:58:08,937
2017    directed by Steven Soderbergh,
2017    good director.
2017    
2017    873
2017    00:58:09,236 --> 00:58:12,656
2017    And so I get into it, I get into
2017    the story, and then they start stripping.
2017    
2017    874
2017    00:58:13,240 --> 00:58:15,450
2017    And then I start having
2017    all these feelings.
2017    
2017    875
2017    00:58:16,660 --> 00:58:18,370
2017    My face gets a little hot.
2017    
2017    876
2017    00:58:19,246 --> 00:58:21,076
2017    At first, I just get hostile
2017    for no reason.
2017    
2017    877
2017    00:58:21,164 --> 00:58:24,294
2017    I just... fucking... fucking...
2017    
2017    878
2017    00:58:30,382 --> 00:58:32,722
2017    But then there's one part of the movie
2017    that I like.
2017    
2017    879
2017    00:58:32,926 --> 00:58:39,386
2017    I have a favorite part... of Magic Mike,
2017    so, I always stick around for that part.
2017    
2017    880
2017    00:58:39,474 --> 00:58:44,024
2017    It's the part where Matthew McConaughey,
2017    he's wearing leather pants, no shirt.
2017    
2017    881
2017    00:58:44,104 --> 00:58:45,024
2017    And he goes,
2017    
2017    882
2017    00:58:45,105 --> 00:58:47,225
2017    "The law says you cannot touch.

883
00:58:48,233 --> 00:58:50,693
But I think I see a lot
of lawbreakers out there."
2017    
2017    884
2017    00:58:51,862 --> 00:58:53,452
2017    Like, just that...
2017    
2017    885
2017    00:58:55,991 --> 00:58:56,911
2017    It's, like, perfect.
2017    
2017    886
2017    00:58:58,160 --> 00:58:59,540
2017    Just the way it rolls out of him.
2017    
2017    887
2017    00:58:59,619 --> 00:59:02,209
2017    "I think I see a lot
of lawbreakers out there."
2017    
2017    888
2017    00:59:04,458 --> 00:59:06,128
2017    I just really like that.
2017    
2017    889
2017    00:59:07,085 --> 00:59:08,085
2017    I like it.
2017    
2017    890
2017    00:59:09,463 --> 00:59:12,973
2017    When the movie comes on, I'm always like,
2017    Let's get to where he says that.
2017    
2017    891
2017    00:59:13,383 --> 00:59:16,683
2017    And then he says it, and I'm like,
2017    Fucking good, that's really good.
2017    
2017    892
2017    00:59:18,346 --> 00:59:19,966
2017    I like it a lot.
2017    
2017    893
2017    00:59:20,557 --> 00:59:22,847
2017    Here's how much I like it.
2017    I don't do impressions,
2017    
2017    894
2017    00:59:22,934 --> 00:59:26,444
2017    and I kind of nail that one
2017    because I think about it all the time.
2017    
2017    895
2017    00:59:32,235 --> 00:59:34,105
2017    I'm walking around my house, like,
2017    
2017    896
2017    00:59:34,196 --> 00:59:36,316
2017    "The law says you can't touch.

897
00:59:38,575 --> 00:59:41,655
The law says you can't touch."
2017    
2017    898
2017    00:59:43,163 --> 00:59:44,663
2017    Then I go up to my dog,
2017    
2017    899
2017    00:59:44,748 --> 00:59:47,458
2017    "But I think
I see a lot of lawbreakers right here."
2017    
2017    900
2017    00:59:52,130 --> 00:59:53,670
2017    I like that part.
2017    
2017    901
2017    00:59:54,800 --> 00:59:56,800
2017    After he says it,
2017    all these strippers come in.
2017    
2017    902
2017    00:59:56,885 --> 00:59:58,885
2017    Matthew McConaughey
2017    and all these strippers.
2017    
2017    903
2017    00:59:58,970 --> 01:00:00,760
2017    Channing Tatum comes out, fucking...
2017    
2017    904
2017    01:00:07,979 --> 01:00:10,399
2017    And then I go, like, "Fuck!"
2017    And then I have to stop.
2017    
2017    905
2017    01:00:11,483 --> 01:00:12,943
2017    I'm starting to get a feeling.
2017    
2017    906
2017    01:00:15,070 --> 01:00:18,320
2017    I'm starting to get, like, a feeling.
2017    It's not a boner.
2017    
2017    907
2017    01:00:19,324 --> 01:00:20,414
2017    It's not a boner.
2017    
2017    908
2017    01:00:21,409 --> 01:00:25,209
2017    But I can feel my dick starting
2017    to turn over a little bit.
2017    
2017    909
2017    01:00:25,330 --> 01:00:26,250
2017    Just starting to...
2017    
2017    910
2017    01:00:29,417 --> 01:00:32,337
2017    You know when you can feel
2017    your dick kind of unfold?
2017    
2017    911
2017    01:00:38,718 --> 01:00:41,888
2017    It's like a pool toy
2017    that's been blowing up for a while.
2017    
2017    912
2017    01:00:41,972 --> 01:00:45,892
2017    The wrinkles are starting
2017    to come out. It's taking shape.
2017    
2017    913
2017    01:00:53,692 --> 01:00:54,822
2017    Just that early...
2017    
2017    914
2017    01:00:56,069 --> 01:00:58,409
2017    My dick's just waking up.
2017    
2017    915
2017    01:01:00,907 --> 01:01:02,237
2017    What are you guys doing here?
2017    
2017    916
2017    01:01:07,539 --> 01:01:09,169
2017    I've never watched the whole movie.
2017    
2017    917
2017    01:01:09,249 --> 01:01:11,709
2017    I've never seen Magic Mike
2017    in its entirety.
2017    
2017    918
2017    01:01:12,460 --> 01:01:15,800
2017    Because I don't wanna see it.
2017    I don't wanna see the end of Magic Mike.
2017    
2017    919
2017    01:01:15,881 --> 01:01:17,631
2017    I know what the end of Magic Mike is.
2017    
2017    920
2017    01:01:17,716 --> 01:01:22,296
2017    I'm pretty sure that the end of Magic Mike
2017    is that I'm gay.
2017    
2017    921
2017    01:01:30,187 --> 01:01:31,807
2017    I'm pretty sure that's how it ends.
2017    
2017    922
2017    01:01:33,690 --> 01:01:37,360
2017    I don't want to see the ending.
2017    I want to stay like this.
2017    
2017    923
2017    01:01:38,153 --> 01:01:40,743
2017    You know why? 'Cause I'm 49 years old.
2017    
2017    924
2017    01:01:41,281 --> 01:01:44,201
2017    I don't want to enter
2017    the gay community now.
2017    
2017    925
2017    01:01:45,118 --> 01:01:48,498
2017    This is not the version of me
2017    that's gonna have an awesome time
2017    
2017    926
2017    01:01:49,039 --> 01:01:50,999
2017    as the new gay guy.
2017    
2017    927
2017    01:01:53,043 --> 01:01:54,543
2017    So, fuck that.
2017    
2017    928
2017    01:01:55,170 --> 01:01:58,130
2017    And that's my right, by the way.
2017    Because that's about me.
2017    
2017    929
2017    01:01:58,798 --> 01:01:59,838
2017    That is my life.
2017    
2017    930
2017    01:01:59,925 --> 01:02:02,715
2017    I'd never discriminate
2017    against another person for being gay.
2017    
2017    931
2017    01:02:02,802 --> 01:02:07,062
2017    I wouldn't dream of it.
2017    But I have every right to oppress
2017    
2017    932
2017    01:02:07,307 --> 01:02:12,597
2017    and discriminate against
2017    my own possible budding homosexuality.
2017    
2017    933
2017    01:02:12,687 --> 01:02:17,477
2017    That's mine to just violently push down.
2017    
2017    934
2017    01:02:21,363 --> 01:02:24,243
2017    Like it's a dude
2017    I'm trying to make blow me right now.
2017    
2017    935
2017    01:02:32,958 --> 01:02:36,668
2017    And you know, I haven't become, like,
2017    generally attracted to men.
2017    
2017    936
2017    01:02:36,753 --> 01:02:38,343
2017    I'm not sexually attracted to men.
2017    
2017    937
2017    01:02:38,421 --> 01:02:43,181
2017    Just Matthew McConaughey
2017    and Channing Tatum.
2017    
2017    938
2017    01:02:43,927 --> 01:02:45,927
2017    Those two guys? Fuck.
2017    
2017    939
2017    01:02:46,221 --> 01:02:49,181
2017    Fuck, seriously.
2017    
2017    940
2017    01:02:49,849 --> 01:02:52,349
2017    Matthew, with his, like, leathery skin.
2017    
2017    941
2017    01:02:52,435 --> 01:02:53,725
2017    He's like, "Hey..."
2017    
2017    942
2017    01:02:54,145 --> 01:02:54,975
2017    Just...
2017    
2017    943
2017    01:02:57,774 --> 01:02:59,034
2017    Fucking sexy.
2017    
2017    944
2017    01:03:00,402 --> 01:03:02,702
2017    And Channing, kind of dumb face, like...
2017    
2017    945
2017    01:03:03,405 --> 01:03:05,235
2017    Like, oh, shit!
2017    
2017    946
2017    01:03:07,325 --> 01:03:09,405
2017    Fuck. I like it.
2017    
2017    947
2017    01:03:13,164 --> 01:03:16,544
2017    But men, in general, I'm not into it.
2017    You know what I think it is?
2017    
2017    948
2017    01:03:16,626 --> 01:03:18,496
2017    I'm only gay for the best.
2017    
2017    949
2017    01:03:22,090 --> 01:03:23,590
2017    I'm top-shelf gay.
2017    
2017    950
2017    01:03:24,759 --> 01:03:28,679
2017    I'm not retail gay, you know what I mean?
2017    I'm not off-the-rack gay.
2017    
2017    951
2017    01:03:29,431 --> 01:03:32,311
2017    I'm not gonna go to JC Penney's
2017    and suck a bunch of dicks.
2017    
2017    952
2017    01:03:33,727 --> 01:03:37,517
2017    I'm going to go to Neiman Marcus
2017    and get the signature collection.
2017    
2017    953
2017    01:03:38,857 --> 01:03:40,317
2017    Platinum dick.
2017    
2017    954
2017    01:03:41,651 --> 01:03:42,861
2017    The best.
2017    
2017    955
2017    01:03:43,278 --> 01:03:44,698
2017    The best dick.
2017    
2017    956
2017    01:03:46,614 --> 01:03:48,374
2017    'Cause I'll try the best anything.
2017    
2017    957
2017    01:03:49,576 --> 01:03:51,536
2017    If it's the best one, I'll try it.
2017    
2017    958
2017    01:03:52,579 --> 01:03:53,789
2017    Like, I don't like cognac.
2017    
2017    959
2017    01:03:53,872 --> 01:03:57,132
2017    I would never buy a bottle of Hennessy
2017    and keep it in my house.
2017    
2017    960
2017    01:03:57,208 --> 01:03:59,458
2017    But I've never tried the best cognac.
2017    
2017    961
2017    01:03:59,836 --> 01:04:03,046
2017    If somebody was like,
2017    "Would you like to try this cognac? It's...

962
01:04:03,506 --> 01:04:08,426
This cognac was 500 years old
300 years ago."
2017    
2017    963
2017    01:04:10,221 --> 01:04:12,061
2017    Like, "Yeah. Fucking give me that."
2017    
2017    964
2017    01:04:13,725 --> 01:04:16,135
2017    If somebody asked me
2017    to go to a Kenyan restaurant,
2017    
2017    965
2017    01:04:16,227 --> 01:04:19,107
2017    I don't want to go to a Kenyan restaurant.
2017    I know all the foods that I like.
2017    
2017    966
2017    01:04:20,106 --> 01:04:22,776
2017    If somebody was like,
2017    "This is the best Kenyan restaurant.

967
01:04:22,859 --> 01:04:25,109
It takes six months to get a reservation.

968
01:04:25,195 --> 01:04:26,315
I can get you in.

969
01:04:26,404 --> 01:04:29,284
They fly live turtles in.

970
01:04:30,116 --> 01:04:34,156
And you eat it, you bite off
its screaming face while it's alive.

971
01:04:37,123 --> 01:04:40,383
And every turtle you eat is the last
of his species."
2017    
2017    972
2017    01:04:44,005 --> 01:04:45,835
2017    I can't wait to eat that fucking turtle.
2017    
2017    973
2017    01:04:46,841 --> 01:04:49,141
2017    I'm going to end his people with my mouth.
2017    
2017    974
2017    01:04:52,180 --> 01:04:53,390
2017    The best, I'll try it.
2017    
2017    975
2017    01:04:53,473 --> 01:04:56,483
2017    If somebody was like,
2017    "We have a guy here, he has the best dick.

976
01:04:57,185 --> 01:04:59,475
The best dick ever.

977
01:05:00,313 --> 01:05:03,693
His dick has been soaking in olive oil
since he was five years old.

978
01:05:08,363 --> 01:05:11,783
We've been feeding him nothing
but butter and penises his whole life.

979
01:05:15,453 --> 01:05:18,503
He has the best dick,
and you can suck it right now."
2017    
2017    980
2017    01:05:28,466 --> 01:05:29,466
2017    "Well, let me see it.

981
01:05:31,511 --> 01:05:32,391
Can I see it?

982
01:05:33,638 --> 01:05:34,808
Can you take it out?

983
01:05:37,142 --> 01:05:39,562
Oh, shit. That's beautiful. Oh, my God.

984
01:05:39,936 --> 01:05:42,976
That's my favorite thing now.
Fuck, I shouldn't have looked at it.

985
01:05:45,275 --> 01:05:48,895
Bring it closer. I don't know what I'm
gonna do, but bring it closer, please."
2017    
2017    986
2017    01:06:16,222 --> 01:06:18,812
2017    I think, at that point,
2017    you put it in your mouth, right?
2017    
2017    987
2017    01:06:18,892 --> 01:06:20,892
2017    If you're looking at the best dick ever,
2017    
2017    988
2017    01:06:20,977 --> 01:06:24,607
2017    and you're not sure... you wanna suck it,
2017    just put it in your mouth.
2017    
2017    989
2017    01:06:25,356 --> 01:06:27,436
2017    And then decide.
2017    Just for like 20 seconds.
2017    
2017    990
2017    01:06:27,525 --> 01:06:28,605
2017    Whoo!
2017    
2017    991
2017    01:06:29,402 --> 01:06:32,532
2017    That's a long time.
2017    That's 20 seconds.
2017    
2017    992
2017    01:06:32,697 --> 01:06:35,737
2017    That's a long time
2017    to have a dick in your mouth...
2017    
2017    993
2017    01:06:36,326 --> 01:06:38,156
2017    that you're ambivalent about.
2017    
2017    994
2017    01:06:40,246 --> 01:06:41,076
2017    It's 20 sec...
2017    
2017    995
2017    01:06:41,164 --> 01:06:44,674
2017    If you have a dick in your mouth
2017    for 20 seconds, you are not deciding.
2017    
2017    996
2017    01:06:47,128 --> 01:06:48,088
2017    Twenty seconds.
2017    
2017    997
2017    01:06:48,171 --> 01:06:51,381
2017    This is... I'll show you. This is
2017    20 seconds with a dick in your mouth.
2017    
2017    998
2017    01:07:12,529 --> 01:07:13,529
2017    No.
2017    
2017    999
2017    01:07:15,990 --> 01:07:16,820
2017    No.
2017    
2017    1000
2017    01:07:17,367 --> 01:07:20,497
2017    Yeah, I decided not to suck that dick...
2017    
2017    1001
2017    01:07:21,496 --> 01:07:23,536
2017    that's been in my mouth all day.
2017    
2017    1002
2017    01:07:28,002 --> 01:07:29,962
2017    I don't like dicks.
2017    That's why I'm not gay.
2017    
2017    1003
2017    01:07:30,547 --> 01:07:34,877
2017    That really is the reason. I hate dicks.
2017    Penises are very disgusting to me.
2017    
2017    1004
2017    01:07:34,968 --> 01:07:37,968
2017    To me. I don't want to yuck your yum.
2017    I just think they're gross.
2017    
2017    1005
2017    01:07:39,264 --> 01:07:40,434
2017    I always hated penises.
2017    
2017    1006
2017    01:07:40,515 --> 01:07:42,265
2017    I hated my father's penis. I did.
2017    
2017    1007
2017    01:07:43,017 --> 01:07:44,557
2017    I did. I hated my father's penis.
2017    
2017    1008
2017    01:07:44,644 --> 01:07:47,364
2017    When you're a little boy,
2017    you're gonna see your dad's dick.
2017    
2017    1009
2017    01:07:48,356 --> 01:07:50,856
2017    If you go to a restaurant,
2017    you're probably gonna see your dad's dick.
2017    
2017    1010
2017    01:07:53,736 --> 01:07:55,106
2017    I should explain that, right?
2017    
2017    1011
2017    01:07:55,196 --> 01:07:58,276
2017    That sounds like I have a weird father.
2017    
2017    1012
2017    01:08:00,451 --> 01:08:02,541
2017    "All right, we're going out to eat.
Everybody take a look."
2017    
2017    1013
2017    01:08:08,876 --> 01:08:12,756
2017    No, sometimes if you go
2017    to a restaurant with your family,
2017    
2017    1014
2017    01:08:12,839 --> 01:08:16,179
2017    when it's time to pee, you go pee
2017    with your dad if you're a little boy.
2017    
2017    1015
2017    01:08:16,259 --> 01:08:18,549
2017    If you go to a ballgame with your dad,
2017    there was...
2017    
2017    1016
2017    01:08:18,636 --> 01:08:20,926
2017    There were never urinals.
2017    It was just a trough.
2017    
2017    1017
2017    01:08:21,723 --> 01:08:24,313
2017    And the little boys and the men
2017    stand there together.
2017    
2017    1018
2017    01:08:24,434 --> 01:08:26,604
2017    And the men are just standing there...
2017    
2017    1019
2017    01:08:26,853 --> 01:08:28,983
2017    And we're down here, the little boys.
2017    
2017    1020
2017    01:08:29,981 --> 01:08:31,731
2017    And the dicks are eye-level.
2017    
2017    1021
2017    01:08:31,816 --> 01:08:35,106
2017    Just horrible, pissing dicks.
2017    
2017    1022
2017    01:08:35,903 --> 01:08:39,783
2017    In both directions,
2017    like a chorus line, just...
2017    
2017    1023
2017    01:08:45,246 --> 01:08:47,416
2017    And my dad had the worst dick.
2017    
2017    1024
2017    01:08:48,041 --> 01:08:49,631
2017    He had the worst.
2017    
2017    1025
2017    01:08:51,127 --> 01:08:53,417
2017    'Cause my dad...
2017    First of all, my father's Mexican.
2017    
2017    1026
2017    01:08:53,504 --> 01:08:56,344
2017    It's true. My father is Mexican. I'm not.
2017    
2017    1027
2017    01:08:56,758 --> 01:09:00,348
2017    I'm not Mexican. My father is.
2017    
2017    1028
2017    01:09:01,220 --> 01:09:06,890
2017    Just 'cause some Mexican fucked my mom
2017    for years... doesn't make me a Mexican.
2017    
2017    1029
2017    01:09:07,935 --> 01:09:09,555
2017    It just makes her a whore.
2017    
2017    1030
2017    01:09:12,231 --> 01:09:14,981
2017    But, anyway... my dad...
2017    
2017    1031
2017    01:09:15,735 --> 01:09:18,815
2017    My father had a Mexican, Catholic,
2017    
2017    1032
2017    01:09:19,072 --> 01:09:23,912
2017    uncut, raw, organic...
2017    
2017    1033
2017    01:09:25,161 --> 01:09:29,921
2017    local, fucking free-range Mexican dick.
2017    
2017    1034
2017    01:09:30,124 --> 01:09:31,544
2017    It was just so basic.
2017    
2017    1035
2017    01:09:31,626 --> 01:09:37,046
2017    It was like a farmer's market yam,
2017    just sticking out like a tamarindo pod.
2017    
2017    1036
2017    01:09:37,715 --> 01:09:39,755
2017    And the pee would spray out of it.
2017    
2017    1037
2017    01:09:39,842 --> 01:09:42,722
2017    I'm like, "Dad, open your dick
2017    before you pee out of it."
2017    
2017    1038
2017    01:09:45,556 --> 01:09:48,266
2017    It's like you're pissing out
2017    of the corner of a pillowcase.
2017    
2017    1039
2017    01:10:00,405 --> 01:10:02,815
2017    And my dad's life is...
2017    My dad's had a weird life.
2017    
2017    1040
2017    01:10:04,200 --> 01:10:05,030
2017    Too.
2017    
2017    1041
2017    01:10:08,496 --> 01:10:12,166
2017    When I was ten years old, my parents got
2017    divorced, and my dad turned into a Jew.
2017    
2017    1042
2017    01:10:12,834 --> 01:10:15,254
2017    I mean, he converted...
2017    
2017    1043
2017    01:10:17,463 --> 01:10:19,803
2017    to Judaism. He didn't turn into a Jew.
2017    
2017    1044
2017    01:10:21,217 --> 01:10:22,587
2017    It's not like my dad was like...
2017    
2017    1045
2017    01:10:29,434 --> 01:10:30,274
2017    He...
2017    
2017    1046
2017    01:10:32,228 --> 01:10:35,018
2017    converted... to Judaism.
2017    
2017    1047
2017    01:10:36,524 --> 01:10:39,034
2017    And I had friends who were Jewish.
2017    
2017    1048
2017    01:10:39,110 --> 01:10:43,030
2017    And I knew that they had little
2017    clipped dicks, little... little neat...
2017    
2017    1049
2017    01:10:44,198 --> 01:10:47,078
2017    And then I remembered
2017    my father's alligator claw of a penis.
2017    
2017    1050
2017    01:10:50,663 --> 01:10:51,663
2017    I really hate penises.
2017    
2017    1051
2017    01:10:51,748 --> 01:10:55,498
2017    That's really my problem with being gay.
2017    That's why I'm not gay. Men are fine.
2017    
2017    1052
2017    01:10:55,585 --> 01:10:58,045
2017    I'd like to have a boyfriend,
2017    that would be nice.
2017    
2017    1053
2017    01:10:58,796 --> 01:11:01,796
2017    I would. Every time I hear somebody say
2017    my boyfriend,
2017    
2017    1054
2017    01:11:01,883 --> 01:11:03,683
2017    I'm always like, "I want a boyfriend."
2017    
2017    1055
2017    01:11:05,261 --> 01:11:07,101
2017    Why can't I have a boyfriend?
2017    
2017    1056
2017    01:11:08,014 --> 01:11:09,854
2017    I'd like to have a big, tall boyfriend.
2017    
2017    1057
2017    01:11:15,396 --> 01:11:16,516
2017    That's my boyfriend.
2017    
2017    1058
2017    01:11:18,733 --> 01:11:20,363
2017    I'm mad at my boyfriend.
2017    
2017    1059
2017    01:11:23,488 --> 01:11:25,778
2017    I get to wear his jacket.
2017    It's all big on me.
2017    
2017    1060
2017    01:11:25,865 --> 01:11:28,405
2017    I'm like, "This is my boyfriend's jacket.
2017    
2017    1061
2017    01:11:33,372 --> 01:11:34,542
2017    I feel safe."
2017    
2017    1062
2017    01:11:35,458 --> 01:11:36,538
2017    I know I would like it.
2017    
2017    1063
2017    01:11:36,626 --> 01:11:39,126
2017    I would like to have a big dude
2017    in my life.
2017    
2017    1064
2017    01:11:40,463 --> 01:11:42,673
2017    Comes up behind me like this.
2017    I'm like, "Hi."
2017    
2017    1065
2017    01:11:45,009 --> 01:11:46,929
2017    Like, I know that would be nice.
2017    
2017    1066
2017    01:11:48,304 --> 01:11:49,974
2017    But in order to get all those parts,
2017    
2017    1067
2017    01:11:50,056 --> 01:11:53,016
2017    you have to have a fucking cock
2017    shoved up your asshole.
2017    
2017    1068
2017    01:11:53,100 --> 01:11:56,150
2017    Like a hard dick ramming in your...
2017    
2017    1069
2017    01:11:56,229 --> 01:11:57,439
2017    Ow!
2017    
2017    1070
2017    01:11:57,647 --> 01:11:59,357
2017    "Oh, fuck.

1071
01:11:59,857 --> 01:12:00,857
Oh.

1072
01:12:01,317 --> 01:12:03,277
I just wanted to wear your jacket."
2017    
2017    1073
2017    01:12:07,406 --> 01:12:09,236
2017    Thanks a lot, you guys. You were great.
2017    
2017    1074
2017    01:12:09,325 --> 01:12:10,985
2017    Thank you very, very much.
2017    
2017    1075
2017    01:13:40,541 --> 01:13:46,881
2017    d In the days of my youth
2017    I was told what it means to be a man d

2017    
2017    1076
2017    01:13:51,260 --> 01:13:52,930
2017    d Now I've reached that age d
2017    
2017    1077
2017    01:13:53,012 --> 01:13:57,392
2017    d I've tried to do all those things
2017    The best I can d

2017    
2017    1078
2017    01:14:01,604 --> 01:14:07,784
2017    d No matter how I try
2017    I find my way to the same old jam d

2017    
2017    1079
2017    01:14:12,156 --> 01:14:16,696
2017    d Good times, bad times
2017    You know I've had my share d

2017    
2017    1080
2017    01:14:16,786 --> 01:14:19,246
2017    d When my woman left home
2017    For a brown-eyed man d

2017    
2017    1081
2017    01:14:19,330 --> 01:14:21,080
2017    d Well, I still don't seem to... d
live at the comedy store    1
live at the comedy store    00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:29,739
live at the comedy store    One of my hobbies
live at the comedy store    is I collect dust.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    2
live at the comedy store    00:00:33,785 --> 00:00:35,537
live at the comedy store    Are you from this country?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    3
live at the comedy store    00:00:37,372 --> 00:00:40,542
live at the comedy store    I go around town
live at the comedy store    slashing tire prices.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    4
live at the comedy store    00:00:44,128 --> 00:00:45,547
live at the comedy store    Do you get that?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    5
live at the comedy store    00:00:47,131 --> 00:00:50,510
live at the comedy store    Do you know that Christmas song
live at the comedy store    Do You Hear What I Hear?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    6
live at the comedy store    00:00:50,552 --> 00:00:52,053
live at the comedy store    Do you?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    7
live at the comedy store    00:00:59,143 --> 00:01:00,520
live at the comedy store    You stopped laughing.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    8
live at the comedy store    00:01:00,562 --> 00:01:02,063
live at the comedy store    You stopped laughing, sir.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    9
live at the comedy store    00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:04,899
live at the comedy store    You got the idea,
live at the comedy store    there are no jokes.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    10
live at the comedy store    00:01:07,652 --> 00:01:10,238
live at the comedy store    There's a kind of hush
live at the comedy store    all over this room.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    11
live at the comedy store    00:01:11,489 --> 00:01:13,908
live at the comedy store    I'm addicted to
live at the comedy store    prescription glasses.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    12
live at the comedy store    00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:22,750
live at the comedy store    And "20/20" wants to do
live at the comedy store    my life story.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    13
live at the comedy store    00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:26,254
live at the comedy store    It gets wor-
live at the comedy store    A four-year-old wrote this.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    14
live at the comedy store    00:01:34,846 --> 00:01:36,556
live at the comedy store    Thank you.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    15
live at the comedy store    00:01:36,598 --> 00:01:38,516
live at the comedy store    No, I'm not leaving yet,
live at the comedy store    hold on.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    16
live at the comedy store    00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,686
live at the comedy store    This is my stepladder.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    17
live at the comedy store    00:01:41,728 --> 00:01:43,813
live at the comedy store    I never knew my real ladder.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    18
live at the comedy store    00:01:51,362 --> 00:01:53,448
live at the comedy store    I heard great things
live at the comedy store    about my real ladder,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    19
live at the comedy store    00:01:53,489 --> 00:01:55,950
live at the comedy store    that he supported three people
live at the comedy store    at one time.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    20
live at the comedy store    00:01:58,202 --> 00:01:59,579
live at the comedy store    Last I heard, he's one-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    21
live at the comedy store    00:01:59,621 --> 00:02:01,289
live at the comedy store    I fucked that up, too.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    22
live at the comedy store    00:02:02,206 --> 00:02:04,792
live at the comedy store    The last I heard, he was in
live at the comedy store    a 12-step program.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    23
live at the comedy store    00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:08,546
live at the comedy store    It really didn't matter.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    24
live at the comedy store    00:02:08,588 --> 00:02:09,588
live at the comedy store    Oh, thank you.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    25
live at the comedy store    00:02:15,928 --> 00:02:17,347
live at the comedy store    Anyway, I've had a lovely-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    26
live at the comedy store    00:02:17,388 --> 00:02:19,058
live at the comedy store    That's it for me, thank you very
live at the comedy store    much, thank you very much.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    27
live at the comedy store    00:02:31,319 --> 00:02:33,738
live at the comedy store    Anyway, with that,
live at the comedy store    I'm gonna bring up the man.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    28
live at the comedy store    00:02:33,780 --> 00:02:35,281
live at the comedy store    Do you know the man?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    29
live at the comedy store    00:02:35,282 --> 00:02:36,115
live at the comedy store    Mister who?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    30
live at the comedy store    00:02:36,116 --> 00:02:38,118
live at the comedy store    Mr. Louie-who, what?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    31
live at the comedy store    00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,746
live at the comedy store    Mr. Louis Prima? No.
live at the comedy store    Mr. Louis Armstrong? No.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    32
live at the comedy store    00:02:41,788 --> 00:02:43,164
live at the comedy store    Mr. Louis C.K.!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    33
live at the comedy store    00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:44,415
live at the comedy store    Here he is.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    34
live at the comedy store    00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:05,520
live at the comedy store    Thank you.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    35
live at the comedy store    00:03:11,734 --> 00:03:12,734
live at the comedy store    Oh.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    36
live at the comedy store    00:03:14,195 --> 00:03:16,280
live at the comedy store    Oh, my God, you guys.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    37
live at the comedy store    00:03:16,322 --> 00:03:18,158
live at the comedy store    Oh, my God, thank you.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    38
live at the comedy store    00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:21,661
live at the comedy store    This-
live at the comedy store    You guys...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    39
live at the comedy store    00:03:21,703 --> 00:03:24,372
live at the comedy store    You guys are great, thank you.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    40
live at the comedy store    00:03:26,541 --> 00:03:28,127
live at the comedy store    This is what I talk like now,
live at the comedy store    just so you know.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    41
live at the comedy store    00:03:30,712 --> 00:03:33,631
live at the comedy store    I'm gonna do
live at the comedy store    the whole show like this.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    42
live at the comedy store    00:03:33,673 --> 00:03:37,052
live at the comedy store    A really-a very offensive
live at the comedy store    stereotype...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    43
live at the comedy store    00:03:39,637 --> 00:03:41,723
live at the comedy store    ...of a Mexican.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    44
live at the comedy store    00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:43,224
live at the comedy store    This is...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    45
live at the comedy store    00:03:46,644 --> 00:03:48,312
live at the comedy store    This is a Mexican at the border.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    46
live at the comedy store    00:03:48,354 --> 00:03:49,897
live at the comedy store    Just let me in!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    47
live at the comedy store    00:03:51,733 --> 00:03:53,401
live at the comedy store    Jesus!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    48
live at the comedy store    00:03:53,443 --> 00:03:54,569
live at the comedy store    He won't let me-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    49
live at the comedy store    00:03:54,610 --> 00:03:57,447
live at the comedy store    You guys are dicks
live at the comedy store    in there, anyways!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    50
live at the comedy store    00:03:59,699 --> 00:04:02,410
live at the comedy store    Fuck you, America!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    51
live at the comedy store    00:04:06,247 --> 00:04:07,247
live at the comedy store    Was that too high up,
live at the comedy store    do you think?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    52
live at the comedy store    00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:11,753
live at the comedy store    That's why I like-
live at the comedy store    I always like to stand
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    53
live at the comedy store    00:04:11,794 --> 00:04:13,421
live at the comedy store    just a little bit wrong,
live at the comedy store    you know?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    54
live at the comedy store    00:04:13,463 --> 00:04:16,424
live at the comedy store    Just for my own entertainment,
live at the comedy store    instead of standing like this,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    55
live at the comedy store    00:04:16,466 --> 00:04:19,635
live at the comedy store    just put it a little bit up
live at the comedy store    here, just so people are like-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    56
live at the comedy store    00:04:19,677 --> 00:04:21,679
live at the comedy store    I don't know why
live at the comedy store    that bothers me.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    57
live at the comedy store    00:04:23,264 --> 00:04:25,850
live at the comedy store    Especially if I'm somewhere
live at the comedy store    I don't like being, like CVS.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    58
live at the comedy store    00:04:25,892 --> 00:04:27,393
live at the comedy store    You know, I hate CVS.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    59
live at the comedy store    00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:29,436
live at the comedy store    But sometimes
live at the comedy store    you gotta go in there.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    60
live at the comedy store    00:04:31,272 --> 00:04:34,692
live at the comedy store    That should be
live at the comedy store    their slogan, CVS.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    61
live at the comedy store    00:04:36,277 --> 00:04:38,780
live at the comedy store    Sometimes
live at the comedy store    you gotta come in here."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    62
live at the comedy store    00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:46,246
live at the comedy store    Where else you gonna get
live at the comedy store    your wart Band-Aids
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    63
live at the comedy store    00:04:47,288 --> 00:04:50,541
live at the comedy store    and that stuff
live at the comedy store    for your dry vaginer?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    64
live at the comedy store    00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,213
live at the comedy store    Dry vaginer.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    65
live at the comedy store    00:04:56,714 --> 00:04:59,842
live at the comedy store    I used to think
live at the comedy store    it was called a "vaginer."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    66
live at the comedy store    00:04:59,884 --> 00:05:03,930
live at the comedy store    I did, because I grew up
live at the comedy store    in Boston and the-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    67
live at the comedy store    00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,140
live at the comedy store    I don't know
live at the comedy store    if you are familiar with-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    68
live at the comedy store    00:05:05,182 --> 00:05:07,059
live at the comedy store    People call it
live at the comedy store    the Boston accent.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    69
live at the comedy store    00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:09,352
live at the comedy store    It's not an accent.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    70
live at the comedy store    00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:12,231
live at the comedy store    It's a whole city of people
live at the comedy store    saying most words wrong.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    71
live at the comedy store    00:05:13,232 --> 00:05:17,902
live at the comedy store    It's just a stupidity
live at the comedy store    in a massive region.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    72
live at the comedy store    00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,238
live at the comedy store    Because my teachers,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    73
live at the comedy store    00:05:21,239 --> 00:05:21,530
live at the comedy store    they teach you
live at the comedy store    to talk like that.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    74
live at the comedy store    00:05:21,531 --> 00:05:24,825
live at the comedy store    My teacher-I had a teacher
live at the comedy store    named Miss Daugherty,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    75
live at the comedy store    00:05:24,867 --> 00:05:27,328
live at the comedy store    but she thought
live at the comedy store    her name was Mrs. Darrity.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    76
live at the comedy store    00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:30,164
live at the comedy store    She mispronounced her own name.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    77
live at the comedy store    00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:32,833
live at the comedy store    Mrs. Darrity!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    78
live at the comedy store    00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,754
live at the comedy store    And she'd give us sex-ed-
live at the comedy store    This was fifth grade.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    79
live at the comedy store    00:05:35,795 --> 00:05:38,172
live at the comedy store    We had sex ed with Mrs. Darrity,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    80
live at the comedy store    00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:39,882
live at the comedy store    and she's showing us
live at the comedy store    the diagram, she's like,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    81
live at the comedy store    00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,474
live at the comedy store    "This is a penis.

82
00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:45,262
And this is a vaginer."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    83
live at the comedy store    00:05:48,140 --> 00:05:51,644
live at the comedy store    "Now, during intercourse,
the man ejaculates sperm...

84
00:05:53,479 --> 00:05:54,564
... up into the vaginer."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    85
live at the comedy store    00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,047
live at the comedy store    "And then later,

86
00:05:59,082 --> 00:06:00,695
a fucking baby..."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    87
live at the comedy store    00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:06,867
live at the comedy store    "... comes out of the vaginer.

88
00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:10,454
And sometimes it's 'retahded. '"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    89
live at the comedy store    00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:14,291
live at the comedy store    This was the '70s.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    90
live at the comedy store    00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:17,878
live at the comedy store    A teacher said "retahded"
live at the comedy store    in Boston in the '70s.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    91
live at the comedy store    00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,464
live at the comedy store    My daughter's retahded.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    92
live at the comedy store    00:06:20,499 --> 00:06:21,882
live at the comedy store    She used to tell us every day.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    93
live at the comedy store    00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:25,302
live at the comedy store    "I have a daughter
and she's mentally retahded.

94
00:06:25,344 --> 00:06:29,348
She's 35 and she lives"
live at the comedy store    in my house.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    95
live at the comedy store    00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:31,892
live at the comedy store    "She better be fucking retahded.

96
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:36,897
I'm gonna stick her back up
in my vaginer."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    97
live at the comedy store    00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:43,738
live at the comedy store    So I thought it was called
live at the comedy store    a vaginer 'til I was, like, 25.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    98
live at the comedy store    00:06:43,780 --> 00:06:46,240
live at the comedy store    And I remember thinking
live at the comedy store    it was, like-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    99
live at the comedy store    00:06:46,241 --> 00:06:46,657
live at the comedy store    It's a vaginer, it's a-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    100
live at the comedy store    00:06:46,658 --> 00:06:51,995
live at the comedy store    Like, a thing
live at the comedy store    that vagines, you know?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    101
live at the comedy store    00:06:54,666 --> 00:06:55,666
live at the comedy store    Like, you use it to vagine-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    102
live at the comedy store    00:06:55,667 --> 00:06:59,253
live at the comedy store    I gotta vagine my driveway.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    103
live at the comedy store    00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:00,294
live at the comedy store    I don't know.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    104
live at the comedy store    00:07:01,422 --> 00:07:02,841
live at the comedy store    I just gotta vagine
live at the comedy store    this new table I just made.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    105
live at the comedy store    00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:07,762
live at the comedy store    That would make a nice table,
live at the comedy store    like, you make a new table
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    106
live at the comedy store    00:07:07,804 --> 00:07:11,348
live at the comedy store    and then you take the-
live at the comedy store    the 80-grit paper
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    107
live at the comedy store    00:07:11,390 --> 00:07:14,101
live at the comedy store    and you sand it, and then 120,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    108
live at the comedy store    00:07:14,102 --> 00:07:14,601
live at the comedy store    and then you go, "All right,
live at the comedy store    honey, get up there,"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    109
live at the comedy store    00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:17,229
live at the comedy store    and she just...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    110
live at the comedy store    00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:21,150
live at the comedy store    Like, an old-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    111
live at the comedy store    00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:22,777
live at the comedy store    Like, one of those
live at the comedy store    Danish tables, or like a...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    112
live at the comedy store    00:07:23,653 --> 00:07:24,696
live at the comedy store    Ooh.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    113
live at the comedy store    00:07:24,737 --> 00:07:28,031
live at the comedy store    Nice old Italian table.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    114
live at the comedy store    00:07:28,825 --> 00:07:29,825
live at the comedy store    "This table is-a very smooth

115
00:07:29,826 --> 00:07:35,122
because, eh, my wife"
live at the comedy store    have a very juicy pussy
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    116
live at the comedy store    00:07:35,164 --> 00:07:39,960
live at the comedy store    "and she vagine the table
and my family,

117
00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:41,713
we do this
for generations, we vagine."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    118
live at the comedy store    00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,135
live at the comedy store    All right.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    119
live at the comedy store    00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:52,765
live at the comedy store    So I'm 47 now, and, uh...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    120
live at the comedy store    00:07:52,807 --> 00:07:54,893
live at the comedy store    Yeah, I know, that's about
live at the comedy store    what it's worth.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    121
live at the comedy store    00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:59,271
live at the comedy store    That's what it-
live at the comedy store    That's what that deserves.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    122
live at the comedy store    00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:00,313
live at the comedy store    Woo.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    123
live at the comedy store    00:08:00,565 --> 00:08:01,733
live at the comedy store    Woo.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    124
live at the comedy store    00:08:03,610 --> 00:08:04,610
live at the comedy store    Woo!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    125
live at the comedy store    00:08:04,611 --> 00:08:08,030
live at the comedy store    Yeah, 47 doesn't
live at the comedy store    buy you anything.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    126
live at the comedy store    00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:11,074
live at the comedy store    18, you can vote,
live at the comedy store    21, you can drink,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    127
live at the comedy store    00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:14,036
live at the comedy store    and 47, you can just-
live at the comedy store    Just keep doing whatever.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    128
live at the comedy store    00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,077
live at the comedy store    Just do...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    129
live at the comedy store    00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:19,082
live at the comedy store    Just keep being out of breath.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    130
live at the comedy store    00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:25,214
live at the comedy store    One good thing is that
live at the comedy store    I've let go of any dream
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    131
live at the comedy store    00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:27,759
live at the comedy store    of getting in great shape,
live at the comedy store    like, it's like a relief.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    132
live at the comedy store    00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,844
live at the comedy store    Just 'cause-
live at the comedy store    My whole life I've been like,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    133
live at the comedy store    00:08:29,886 --> 00:08:31,930
live at the comedy store    well, someday, I should
live at the comedy store    really get in great shape.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    134
live at the comedy store    00:08:31,971 --> 00:08:33,598
live at the comedy store    Now, I'm like, what?
live at the comedy store    Why would I do that?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    135
live at the comedy store    00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:36,433
live at the comedy store    That's not gonna happen.
live at the comedy store    Just-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    136
live at the comedy store    00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:38,227
live at the comedy store    To me, the bar,
live at the comedy store    the level I wanna reach
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    137
live at the comedy store    00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:39,854
live at the comedy store    as far as the shape I'm in,
live at the comedy store    I just want it to be
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    138
live at the comedy store    00:08:39,896 --> 00:08:43,106
live at the comedy store    so that if you find out
live at the comedy store    that I died,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    139
live at the comedy store    00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:45,400
live at the comedy store    you ask "What happened?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    140
live at the comedy store    00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:46,611
live at the comedy store    That's all.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    141
live at the comedy store    00:08:46,653 --> 00:08:48,530
live at the comedy store    I want you to wonder
live at the comedy store    what happened.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    142
live at the comedy store    00:08:51,950 --> 00:08:53,785
live at the comedy store    I don't want it to be
live at the comedy store    like, "Oh, he died?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    143
live at the comedy store    00:08:53,826 --> 00:08:55,954
live at the comedy store    Oh, yeah, well, sure.
live at the comedy store    Sure he did.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    144
live at the comedy store    00:08:55,995 --> 00:08:57,622
live at the comedy store    Sure he did.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    145
live at the comedy store    00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,127
live at the comedy store    This'd be bigger news to you-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    146
live at the comedy store    00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:05,462
live at the comedy store    Did you hear
live at the comedy store    Louie's still alive?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    147
live at the comedy store    00:09:05,497 --> 00:09:07,089
live at the comedy store    Shit.
live at the comedy store    Oh, really?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    148
live at the comedy store    00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:09,216
live at the comedy store    Oh, my God!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    149
live at the comedy store    00:09:09,258 --> 00:09:12,469
live at the comedy store    Oh, my God, how?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    150
live at the comedy store    00:09:12,504 --> 00:09:14,054
live at the comedy store    How?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    151
live at the comedy store    00:09:15,807 --> 00:09:17,725
live at the comedy store    Some things change
live at the comedy store    when you get older.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    152
live at the comedy store    00:09:17,767 --> 00:09:20,562
live at the comedy store    Like, I've reallocated some
live at the comedy store    of the noises that I make.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    153
live at the comedy store    00:09:21,896 --> 00:09:25,440
live at the comedy store    Like, the noise
live at the comedy store    I used to make when I come
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    154
live at the comedy store    00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:26,901
live at the comedy store    is now the noise I make
live at the comedy store    when I pee.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    155
live at the comedy store    00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:34,534
live at the comedy store    Oh... oh...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    156
live at the comedy store    00:09:35,577 --> 00:09:37,704
live at the comedy store    Oh...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    157
live at the comedy store    00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:39,747
live at the comedy store    Ah...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    158
live at the comedy store    00:09:41,916 --> 00:09:43,918
live at the comedy store    Ahhh...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    159
live at the comedy store    00:09:44,919 --> 00:09:47,005
live at the comedy store    Take it all, bitch.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    160
live at the comedy store    00:09:52,134 --> 00:09:54,804
live at the comedy store    Very disrespectful
live at the comedy store    to my toilet, unfortunately.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    161
live at the comedy store    00:09:54,846 --> 00:09:58,432
live at the comedy store    Yeah, you like that piss,
live at the comedy store    don't you?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    162
live at the comedy store    00:09:58,473 --> 00:09:59,473
live at the comedy store    Bitch!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    163
live at the comedy store    00:09:59,517 --> 00:10:02,604
live at the comedy store    I'm gonna shit in your mouth,
live at the comedy store    too, 'cause you ain't nothing
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    164
live at the comedy store    00:10:02,645 --> 00:10:06,524
live at the comedy store    but a shit-eatin',
live at the comedy store    piss-drinkin' toilet!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    165
live at the comedy store    00:10:08,526 --> 00:10:11,445
live at the comedy store    Dumb bitch, toilet!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    166
live at the comedy store    00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:13,322
live at the comedy store    You ain't intelligent.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    167
live at the comedy store    00:10:13,531 --> 00:10:15,742
live at the comedy store    You ain't even been outside.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    168
live at the comedy store    00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:20,120
live at the comedy store    You sit there waiting for me
live at the comedy store    to shit in your face.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    169
live at the comedy store    00:10:20,622 --> 00:10:23,457
live at the comedy store    Got piss on your lips.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    170
live at the comedy store    00:10:25,043 --> 00:10:26,586
live at the comedy store    You ain't even special.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    171
live at the comedy store    00:10:26,628 --> 00:10:30,213
live at the comedy store    I pissed in three toilets today.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    172
live at the comedy store    00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:31,255
live at the comedy store    You ain't shit.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    173
live at the comedy store    00:10:34,886 --> 00:10:35,886
live at the comedy store    That's terrible.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    174
live at the comedy store    00:10:35,887 --> 00:10:38,014
live at the comedy store    That's awful.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    175
live at the comedy store    00:10:38,056 --> 00:10:39,807
live at the comedy store    But that's how my dad
live at the comedy store    treated his toilet,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    176
live at the comedy store    00:10:39,849 --> 00:10:42,434
live at the comedy store    so that's where I learned it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    177
live at the comedy store    00:10:45,980 --> 00:10:48,357
live at the comedy store    It's a shame.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    178
live at the comedy store    00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:52,235
live at the comedy store    So that's the noise
live at the comedy store    I make when I pee.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    179
live at the comedy store    00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:53,655
live at the comedy store    And, uh, some of you
live at the comedy store    might be wondering-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    180
live at the comedy store    00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:56,281
live at the comedy store    None of you are wondering...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    181
live at the comedy store    00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,452
live at the comedy store    ...what noise do I make
live at the comedy store    when I come.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    182
live at the comedy store    00:11:00,453 --> 00:11:01,119
live at the comedy store    So this is the noise
live at the comedy store    I make when I come.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    183
live at the comedy store    00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,915
live at the comedy store    I just go...
live at the comedy store    It is done!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    184
live at the comedy store    00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:09,671
live at the comedy store    It's a whole thing with clouds
live at the comedy store    and lightning and crows.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    185
live at the comedy store    00:11:10,797 --> 00:11:13,591
live at the comedy store    The circle is complete!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    186
live at the comedy store    00:11:13,633 --> 00:11:15,551
live at the comedy store    It's kind of intense.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    187
live at the comedy store    00:11:17,512 --> 00:11:20,389
live at the comedy store    And there's a little witch
live at the comedy store    with white eyes going,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    188
live at the comedy store    00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:21,766
live at the comedy store    And a child will be born!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    189
live at the comedy store    00:11:22,767 --> 00:11:24,018
live at the comedy store    I don't know.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    190
live at the comedy store    00:11:28,981 --> 00:11:29,981
live at the comedy store    One time I was
live at the comedy store    having sex with a woman,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    191
live at the comedy store    00:11:29,982 --> 00:11:32,110
live at the comedy store    it was our first time
live at the comedy store    having sex.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    192
live at the comedy store    00:11:32,151 --> 00:11:35,530
live at the comedy store    Also turned out to be
live at the comedy store    our last time, but I wasn't-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    193
live at the comedy store    00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:37,573
live at the comedy store    Didn't know that at the-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    194
live at the comedy store    00:11:37,615 --> 00:11:39,742
live at the comedy store    Anyway, I was getting-
live at the comedy store    I was gonna come soon,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    195
live at the comedy store    00:11:39,784 --> 00:11:42,704
live at the comedy store    so I felt like talking
live at the comedy store    about it, and...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    196
live at the comedy store    00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:44,789
live at the comedy store    But I didn't know her very well.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    197
live at the comedy store    00:11:44,831 --> 00:11:49,459
live at the comedy store    So it came out weird,
live at the comedy store    I said, "Oh, I'm cooming."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    198
live at the comedy store    00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:55,633
live at the comedy store    She's like, "What did you say?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    199
live at the comedy store    00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:00,555
live at the comedy store    'Cause I was back there.
live at the comedy store    That's why.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    200
live at the comedy store    00:12:02,056 --> 00:12:03,056
live at the comedy store    That's why
live at the comedy store    she had to go like this.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    201
live at the comedy store    00:12:03,057 --> 00:12:05,308
live at the comedy store    "What'd you say?

202
00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:07,603
What was that back there, chief?
What was that?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    203
live at the comedy store    00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:14,317
live at the comedy store    'Cause I'm always back there.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    204
live at the comedy store    00:12:17,446 --> 00:12:19,031
live at the comedy store    That's a-that's a weird thing
live at the comedy store    to brag about.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    205
live at the comedy store    00:12:19,073 --> 00:12:21,159
live at the comedy store    I'm always behind her.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    206
live at the comedy store    00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,502
live at the comedy store    Every time.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    207
live at the comedy store    00:12:24,537 --> 00:12:26,748
live at the comedy store    So they don't see me crying.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    208
live at the comedy store    00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:31,960
live at the comedy store    It's weird having sex
live at the comedy store    with a woman from behind
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    209
live at the comedy store    00:12:31,961 --> 00:12:33,921
live at the comedy store    'cause you don't know
live at the comedy store    what's going on the whole time
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    210
live at the comedy store    00:12:33,963 --> 00:12:36,215
live at the comedy store    and you get kinda paranoid.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    211
live at the comedy store    00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,342
live at the comedy store    The whole time,
live at the comedy store    she might be like...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    212
live at the comedy store    00:13:05,119 --> 00:13:06,621
live at the comedy store    I was on the subway in New York.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    213
live at the comedy store    00:13:07,872 --> 00:13:11,374
live at the comedy store    This isn't another sex story.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    214
live at the comedy store    00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:14,376
live at the comedy store    This is a traveling story.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    215
live at the comedy store    00:13:15,046 --> 00:13:16,547
live at the comedy store    Are you ready?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    216
live at the comedy store    00:13:18,049 --> 00:13:20,551
live at the comedy store    So I'm on the subway
live at the comedy store    and I'm standing there-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    217
live at the comedy store    00:13:20,593 --> 00:13:22,762
live at the comedy store    I wasn't holding anything,
live at the comedy store    I just like to stand like this.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    218
live at the comedy store    00:13:22,804 --> 00:13:25,388
live at the comedy store    I'm standing there.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    219
live at the comedy store    00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:27,975
live at the comedy store    I walk around the city
live at the comedy store    like this.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    220
live at the comedy store    00:13:28,017 --> 00:13:30,393
live at the comedy store    Hi.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    221
live at the comedy store    00:13:30,561 --> 00:13:33,022
live at the comedy store    So I'm standing there and
live at the comedy store    from behind me over here,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    222
live at the comedy store    00:13:33,064 --> 00:13:36,316
live at the comedy store    I hear this. I hear...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    223
live at the comedy store    00:13:36,358 --> 00:13:38,443
live at the comedy store    And I was like, whew, okay.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    224
live at the comedy store    00:13:38,444 --> 00:13:38,860
live at the comedy store    It's a crazy person.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    225
live at the comedy store    00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:40,947
live at the comedy store    I mean, it's not a big surprise
live at the comedy store    in New York.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    226
live at the comedy store    00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,615
live at the comedy store    Then I heard it again.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    227
live at the comedy store    00:13:42,657 --> 00:13:43,699
live at the comedy store    I was like,
live at the comedy store    all right, I wanna see,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    228
live at the comedy store    00:13:43,741 --> 00:13:47,494
live at the comedy store    I wanna see the crazy person.
live at the comedy store    I just wanna take a look.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    229
live at the comedy store    00:13:47,529 --> 00:13:48,529
live at the comedy store    So I look over and
live at the comedy store    it's not what I expected.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    230
live at the comedy store    00:13:48,538 --> 00:13:51,082
live at the comedy store    It wasn't a big homeless guy
live at the comedy store    with two sets of headphones
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    231
live at the comedy store    00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:52,625
live at the comedy store    that don't work
live at the comedy store    or anything like that.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    232
live at the comedy store    00:13:53,584 --> 00:13:55,086
live at the comedy store    It was a...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    233
live at the comedy store    00:13:56,587 --> 00:13:58,756
live at the comedy store    A young woman,
live at the comedy store    she looked like she was about 21
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    234
live at the comedy store    00:13:58,798 --> 00:14:01,383
live at the comedy store    and she's standing there,
live at the comedy store    she's very, kinda nice-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    235
live at the comedy store    00:14:01,384 --> 00:14:01,758
live at the comedy store    Properly dressed.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    236
live at the comedy store    00:14:01,759 --> 00:14:04,512
live at the comedy store    She was very, like,
live at the comedy store    Michigan-y or something.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    237
live at the comedy store    00:14:04,554 --> 00:14:07,890
live at the comedy store    Very suburban-y, Michigan-y
live at the comedy store    kinda thing.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    238
live at the comedy store    00:14:07,932 --> 00:14:10,268
live at the comedy store    And she's standing there
live at the comedy store    with her ponytail,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    239
live at the comedy store    00:14:10,309 --> 00:14:11,727
live at the comedy store    and then all of a sudden,
live at the comedy store    she starts going like this,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    240
live at the comedy store    00:14:11,769 --> 00:14:14,730
live at the comedy store    she goes...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    241
live at the comedy store    00:14:14,772 --> 00:14:16,732
live at the comedy store    La-la la-la-la la-la!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    242
live at the comedy store    00:14:16,774 --> 00:14:19,359
live at the comedy store    And I realize, oh,
live at the comedy store    she's, like, a student,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    243
live at the comedy store    00:14:19,401 --> 00:14:20,653
live at the comedy store    like, a singing music student,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    244
live at the comedy store    00:14:20,695 --> 00:14:23,698
live at the comedy store    and she's doing her vocal
live at the comedy store    exercises on the subway.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    245
live at the comedy store    00:14:23,739 --> 00:14:27,743
live at the comedy store    You know what?
live at the comedy store    It wasn't charming or nice.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    246
live at the comedy store    00:14:27,785 --> 00:14:29,871
live at the comedy store    It was arrogant and rude,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    247
live at the comedy store    00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:31,289
live at the comedy store    'cause she just had
live at the comedy store    this look like, it's-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    248
live at the comedy store    00:14:31,330 --> 00:14:35,626
live at the comedy store    I'm so cool, 'cause I'm studying
live at the comedy store    music in New York City
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    249
live at the comedy store    00:14:35,668 --> 00:14:40,047
live at the comedy store    and I just do my thing
live at the comedy store    right on the subway every day.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    250
live at the comedy store    00:14:40,089 --> 00:14:43,718
live at the comedy store    La-la la-la-la la-la, everybody!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    251
live at the comedy store    00:14:45,970 --> 00:14:49,472
live at the comedy store    La-la la-la-la la-la,
live at the comedy store    tired nurse
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    252
live at the comedy store    00:14:49,507 --> 00:14:50,600
live at the comedy store    who just did a 14-hour shift!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    253
live at the comedy store    00:15:01,719 --> 00:15:03,595
live at the comedy store    We live in an interesting time,
live at the comedy store    you know.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    254
live at the comedy store    00:15:03,637 --> 00:15:05,222
live at the comedy store    'Cause you can be
live at the comedy store    on an airplane,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    255
live at the comedy store    00:15:05,264 --> 00:15:07,224
live at the comedy store    you're like one
live at the comedy store    of 200 passengers.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    256
live at the comedy store    00:15:07,266 --> 00:15:09,059
live at the comedy store    You're on a flight
live at the comedy store    30,000 feet in the air,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    257
live at the comedy store    00:15:09,101 --> 00:15:10,185
live at the comedy store    and in the middle of the flight
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    258
live at the comedy store    00:15:10,227 --> 00:15:12,646
live at the comedy store    if you just decide to do this,
live at the comedy store    you're sitting in your seat
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    259
live at the comedy store    00:15:12,688 --> 00:15:14,148
live at the comedy store    and you just start going
live at the comedy store    like this, you go...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    260
live at the comedy store    00:15:14,189 --> 00:15:15,649
live at the comedy store    Maaah!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    261
live at the comedy store    00:15:16,317 --> 00:15:20,904
live at the comedy store    Maaah! Mahh!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    262
live at the comedy store    00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:26,868
live at the comedy store    If you do that and
live at the comedy store    don't stop doing it,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    263
live at the comedy store    00:15:26,903 --> 00:15:27,995
live at the comedy store    they will land the plane.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    264
live at the comedy store    00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:36,045
live at the comedy store    You can will a plane
live at the comedy store    to the ground
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    265
live at the comedy store    00:15:36,086 --> 00:15:38,088
live at the comedy store    without a weapon or a threat.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    266
live at the comedy store    00:15:41,342 --> 00:15:42,468
live at the comedy store    You don't even
live at the comedy store    have to do that much,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    267
live at the comedy store    00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:45,179
live at the comedy store    you can just sit there and
live at the comedy store    just start going, "Down!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    268
live at the comedy store    00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,432
live at the comedy store    Down!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    269
live at the comedy store    00:15:48,474 --> 00:15:50,642
live at the comedy store    Seriously, if you were
live at the comedy store    on a plane
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    270
live at the comedy store    00:15:50,684 --> 00:15:53,062
live at the comedy store    and you just didn't
live at the comedy store    stop saying "down."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    271
live at the comedy store    00:15:53,103 --> 00:15:54,813
live at the comedy store    "Down!

272
00:15:55,855 --> 00:15:56,855
Down!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    273
live at the comedy store    00:15:56,940 --> 00:15:59,234
live at the comedy store    Sir, is there a problem?
live at the comedy store    "Down!

274
00:15:59,276 --> 00:16:00,652
Down!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    275
live at the comedy store    00:16:02,446 --> 00:16:04,323
live at the comedy store    Fighter jets will appear-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    276
live at the comedy store    00:16:04,365 --> 00:16:07,451
live at the comedy store    I mean, you're going
live at the comedy store    to the nearest airport.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    277
live at the comedy store    00:16:08,327 --> 00:16:10,996
live at the comedy store    And then I guess
live at the comedy store    you're in trouble, but...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    278
live at the comedy store    00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:13,415
live at the comedy store    What? They can't put you,
live at the comedy store    like, in prison
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    279
live at the comedy store    00:16:13,457 --> 00:16:17,127
live at the comedy store    because you said
live at the comedy store    down several times.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    280
live at the comedy store    00:16:17,169 --> 00:16:18,886
live at the comedy store    They, like, bother you.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    281
live at the comedy store    00:16:18,921 --> 00:16:20,422
live at the comedy store    "Why'd you do it?
Are you a terrorist?

282
00:16:20,464 --> 00:16:21,757
Why'd you do it?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    283
live at the comedy store    00:16:21,799 --> 00:16:24,635
live at the comedy store    "I just-I just didn't want
to be up anymore.

284
00:16:24,676 --> 00:16:26,428
I just didn't like it."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    285
live at the comedy store    00:16:26,470 --> 00:16:31,308
live at the comedy store    "I mean, I just said the word
of the-where I wanted to be.

286
00:16:31,350 --> 00:16:33,352
You didn't have to do it."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    287
live at the comedy store    00:16:35,312 --> 00:16:39,066
live at the comedy store    It was just a suggestion,
live at the comedy store    Jesus Christ."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    288
live at the comedy store    00:16:40,943 --> 00:16:43,904
live at the comedy store    I was on a plane once and there
live at the comedy store    was two babies on the plane.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    289
live at the comedy store    00:16:43,946 --> 00:16:46,240
live at the comedy store    And other people,
live at the comedy store    it wasn't just...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    290
live at the comedy store    00:16:48,534 --> 00:16:50,786
live at the comedy store    It wasn't just me
live at the comedy store    and two babies.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    291
live at the comedy store    00:16:54,248 --> 00:16:55,916
live at the comedy store    That would be weird.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    292
live at the comedy store    00:16:57,167 --> 00:16:59,420
live at the comedy store    You get on a plane,
live at the comedy store    there's just two babies.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    293
live at the comedy store    00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:09,471
live at the comedy store    Come on, we're leaving soon.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    294
live at the comedy store    00:17:10,931 --> 00:17:13,183
live at the comedy store    He's the pilot baby.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    295
live at the comedy store    00:17:14,852 --> 00:17:16,854
live at the comedy store    I'm the other baby.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    296
live at the comedy store    00:17:20,065 --> 00:17:22,109
live at the comedy store    No, that's all right,
live at the comedy store    I'm not gonna...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    297
live at the comedy store    00:17:23,569 --> 00:17:25,612
live at the comedy store    You babies have a good flight,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    298
live at the comedy store    00:17:25,654 --> 00:17:28,115
live at the comedy store    but I'm gonna find
live at the comedy store    another way to get there.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    299
live at the comedy store    00:17:28,157 --> 00:17:30,534
live at the comedy store    Yeah, I don't like the way
live at the comedy store    this was starting.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    300
live at the comedy store    00:17:34,079 --> 00:17:37,416
live at the comedy store    Anyway, I was on a plane
live at the comedy store    and there was these two babies
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    301
live at the comedy store    00:17:37,458 --> 00:17:39,001
live at the comedy store    and they were crying
live at the comedy store    the whole time,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    302
live at the comedy store    00:17:39,042 --> 00:17:40,711
live at the comedy store    crying the whole flight,
live at the comedy store    and that happens a lot.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    303
live at the comedy store    00:17:40,752 --> 00:17:43,547
live at the comedy store    I don't think they knew each
live at the comedy store    other, they were just crying.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    304
live at the comedy store    00:17:43,589 --> 00:17:45,257
live at the comedy store    I've seen this
live at the comedy store    on so many flights,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    305
live at the comedy store    00:17:45,299 --> 00:17:46,800
live at the comedy store    I started to wonder, is there
live at the comedy store    a reason for this?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    306
live at the comedy store    00:17:46,842 --> 00:17:48,218
live at the comedy store    Is there, like,
live at the comedy store    an actual reason why babies-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    307
live at the comedy store    00:17:48,260 --> 00:17:50,053
live at the comedy store    So I looked it up. Turns out,
live at the comedy store    there's an actual reason
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    308
live at the comedy store    00:17:50,095 --> 00:17:51,931
live at the comedy store    why babies cry on airplanes,
live at the comedy store    and it's because they're upset
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    309
live at the comedy store    00:17:52,973 --> 00:17:55,767
live at the comedy store    that gay people
live at the comedy store    are getting married.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    310
live at the comedy store    00:17:55,809 --> 00:17:56,894
live at the comedy store    Yeah.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    311
live at the comedy store    00:17:58,061 --> 00:18:00,940
live at the comedy store    They're, like, really upset.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    312
live at the comedy store    00:18:01,982 --> 00:18:04,067
live at the comedy store    Like, inconsolably upset.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    313
live at the comedy store    00:18:05,068 --> 00:18:06,445
live at the comedy store    Honey, it's-
live at the comedy store    The country's changing.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    314
live at the comedy store    00:18:06,487 --> 00:18:07,821
live at the comedy store    Waah!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    315
live at the comedy store    00:18:10,950 --> 00:18:13,035
live at the comedy store    And I don't agree with them.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    316
live at the comedy store    00:18:13,076 --> 00:18:16,330
live at the comedy store    I think if people are in love,
live at the comedy store    they should get married.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    317
live at the comedy store    00:18:16,371 --> 00:18:20,042
live at the comedy store    But they can't-
live at the comedy store    They can't accept that.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    318
live at the comedy store    00:18:20,083 --> 00:18:22,419
live at the comedy store    'Cause they're just-You know,
live at the comedy store    they're just being babies.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    319
live at the comedy store    00:18:26,089 --> 00:18:28,008
live at the comedy store    Babies are selfish.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    320
live at the comedy store    00:18:28,050 --> 00:18:30,260
live at the comedy store    They are, babies are selfish.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    321
live at the comedy store    00:18:30,302 --> 00:18:32,471
live at the comedy store    They just, waah!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    322
live at the comedy store    00:18:32,513 --> 00:18:35,349
live at the comedy store    No baby ever goes, "Waah,
live at the comedy store    but how you doing, though?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    323
live at the comedy store    00:18:40,604 --> 00:18:42,856
live at the comedy store    I have two daughters and both of
live at the comedy store    them at one time were babies
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    324
live at the comedy store    00:18:42,898 --> 00:18:43,900
live at the comedy store    and I held them
live at the comedy store    and they cried on planes.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    325
live at the comedy store    00:18:43,942 --> 00:18:45,944
live at the comedy store    It's happened to me,
live at the comedy store    I've had a baby on a plane.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    326
live at the comedy store    00:18:45,985 --> 00:18:48,779
live at the comedy store    If you're ever-
live at the comedy store    This is how selfish people are.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    327
live at the comedy store    00:18:48,820 --> 00:18:50,364
live at the comedy store    When you're on a plane and
live at the comedy store    you hear a baby crying,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    328
live at the comedy store    00:18:50,405 --> 00:18:52,407
live at the comedy store    you think that's
live at the comedy store    happening to you.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    329
live at the comedy store    00:18:52,449 --> 00:18:55,786
live at the comedy store    You're like, "Ugh, this is
live at the comedy store    gonna ruin my flight!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    330
live at the comedy store    00:18:55,827 --> 00:18:58,497
live at the comedy store    It's gonna ruin it!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    331
live at the comedy store    00:18:58,539 --> 00:19:01,166
live at the comedy store    Well, look at the parent,
live at the comedy store    'cause that person is holding
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    332
live at the comedy store    00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:03,502
live at the comedy store    a crying baby on a plane,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    333
live at the comedy store    00:19:03,544 --> 00:19:07,089
live at the comedy store    which means they've been
live at the comedy store    traveling with a baby all day,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    334
live at the comedy store    00:19:07,130 --> 00:19:11,802
live at the comedy store    which means they have
live at the comedy store    a baby, okay?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    335
live at the comedy store    00:19:11,843 --> 00:19:14,263
live at the comedy store    So their life isn't even good.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    336
live at the comedy store    00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,808
live at the comedy store    They don't like anything.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    337
live at the comedy store    00:19:17,849 --> 00:19:20,686
live at the comedy store    Their whole life is, ugh, Jesus!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    338
live at the comedy store    00:19:22,563 --> 00:19:24,064
live at the comedy store    If there's any joy for them,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    339
live at the comedy store    00:19:24,106 --> 00:19:28,068
live at the comedy store    it's that this is now
live at the comedy store    bothering other people.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    340
live at the comedy store    00:19:28,110 --> 00:19:30,320
live at the comedy store    "Yeah, you listen
to this shit now!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    341
live at the comedy store    00:19:30,362 --> 00:19:32,364
live at the comedy store    Waah!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    342
live at the comedy store    00:19:38,287 --> 00:19:40,247
live at the comedy store    I remember one time, my baby
live at the comedy store    was crying on the plane,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    343
live at the comedy store    00:19:40,289 --> 00:19:41,582
live at the comedy store    she was really upset,
live at the comedy store    and this guy,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    344
live at the comedy store    00:19:41,623 --> 00:19:42,708
live at the comedy store    some businessman on the plane,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    345
live at the comedy store    00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:44,251
live at the comedy store    'cause businessmen
live at the comedy store    always think that every flight
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    346
live at the comedy store    00:19:44,293 --> 00:19:46,712
live at the comedy store    is a private plane of theirs
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    347
live at the comedy store    00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:50,257
live at the comedy store    that we're all, like,
live at the comedy store    piggybacking on.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    348
live at the comedy store    00:19:50,299 --> 00:19:52,051
live at the comedy store    And this guy has
live at the comedy store    his fucking newspaper
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    349
live at the comedy store    00:19:52,969 --> 00:19:53,969
live at the comedy store    and he turns around to look
live at the comedy store    at me and my baby
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    350
live at the comedy store    00:19:53,970 --> 00:19:56,430
live at the comedy store    and he looks right at me.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    351
live at the comedy store    00:19:56,471 --> 00:19:57,681
live at the comedy store    He doesn't kinda, like,
live at the comedy store    go like this.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    352
live at the comedy store    00:19:57,723 --> 00:19:59,017
live at the comedy store    He looks at me like, hmm?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    353
live at the comedy store    00:19:59,058 --> 00:20:02,436
live at the comedy store    Like, could you?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    354
live at the comedy store    00:20:04,438 --> 00:20:06,523
live at the comedy store    I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry,
live at the comedy store    is this bothering you?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    355
live at the comedy store    00:20:06,565 --> 00:20:07,899
live at the comedy store    Let me just..."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    356
live at the comedy store    00:20:35,135 --> 00:20:37,554
live at the comedy store    You all just clapped
live at the comedy store    for a dead baby.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    357
live at the comedy store    00:20:39,556 --> 00:20:41,558
live at the comedy store    You applauded a dead baby.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    358
live at the comedy store    00:20:46,188 --> 00:20:48,607
live at the comedy store    I have two children.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    359
live at the comedy store    00:20:48,649 --> 00:20:50,068
live at the comedy store    Uh, nine and 12 years old.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    360
live at the comedy store    00:20:50,109 --> 00:20:52,319
live at the comedy store    Both girls.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    361
live at the comedy store    00:20:52,361 --> 00:20:54,072
live at the comedy store    Uh, they're both gay.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    362
live at the comedy store    00:20:54,113 --> 00:20:56,365
live at the comedy store    Um...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    363
live at the comedy store    00:20:57,407 --> 00:20:58,407
live at the comedy store    I'm raising 'em gay.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    364
live at the comedy store    00:21:00,494 --> 00:21:01,662
live at the comedy store    Most people
live at the comedy store    raise their kids straight,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    365
live at the comedy store    00:21:01,703 --> 00:21:03,497
live at the comedy store    I'm just gonna raise mine gay.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    366
live at the comedy store    00:21:03,538 --> 00:21:06,667
live at the comedy store    Maybe they'll do what
live at the comedy store    they want later, but, uh,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    367
live at the comedy store    00:21:06,708 --> 00:21:09,336
live at the comedy store    as long as they're in
live at the comedy store    my house, they're gay.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    368
live at the comedy store    00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:16,052
live at the comedy store    I tell 'em every day,
live at the comedy store    you're gay, honey, good night.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    369
live at the comedy store    00:21:16,094 --> 00:21:17,970
live at the comedy store    Go to bed.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    370
live at the comedy store    00:21:18,012 --> 00:21:21,306
live at the comedy store    Brush your gay teeth, gay honey.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    371
live at the comedy store    00:21:24,418 --> 00:21:27,253
live at the comedy store    Don't forget to be gay.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    372
live at the comedy store    00:21:32,175 --> 00:21:33,427
live at the comedy store    Having children
live at the comedy store    is a big responsibility
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    373
live at the comedy store    00:21:33,469 --> 00:21:36,514
live at the comedy store    and I've never really done
live at the comedy store    very well at it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    374
live at the comedy store    00:21:36,555 --> 00:21:39,015
live at the comedy store    I've made a lot of mistakes.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    375
live at the comedy store    00:21:39,057 --> 00:21:40,274
live at the comedy store    Some of them big, some of them
live at the comedy store    small, you know?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    376
live at the comedy store    00:21:40,309 --> 00:21:44,729
live at the comedy store    Like, I'm still a person,
live at the comedy store    I still am an idiot, you know,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    377
live at the comedy store    00:21:44,771 --> 00:21:47,190
live at the comedy store    still, like, I-
live at the comedy store    I got high one night,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    378
live at the comedy store    00:21:47,232 --> 00:21:49,692
live at the comedy store    I got really high, because
live at the comedy store    I don't do drugs.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    379
live at the comedy store    00:21:49,734 --> 00:21:52,028
live at the comedy store    I never do drugs, never.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    380
live at the comedy store    00:21:52,070 --> 00:21:54,239
live at the comedy store    So that when I do...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    381
live at the comedy store    00:21:55,865 --> 00:21:57,617
live at the comedy store    ...they're way more fun.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    382
live at the comedy store    00:21:59,285 --> 00:22:00,912
live at the comedy store    To me, that's my best advice
live at the comedy store    about drugs.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    383
live at the comedy store    00:22:00,954 --> 00:22:03,790
live at the comedy store    If you want to enjoy drugs,
live at the comedy store    never do them, never.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    384
live at the comedy store    00:22:03,832 --> 00:22:07,961
live at the comedy store    Because then when you do,
live at the comedy store    they're actually fun.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    385
live at the comedy store    00:22:08,002 --> 00:22:09,671
live at the comedy store    'Cause when drugs
live at the comedy store    are a part of your life,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    386
live at the comedy store    00:22:09,712 --> 00:22:12,632
live at the comedy store    they're just another pain
live at the comedy store    in the ass in your life.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    387
live at the comedy store    00:22:12,674 --> 00:22:15,718
live at the comedy store    It's just a, ugh, my drugs suck.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    388
live at the comedy store    00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,762
live at the comedy store    I don't want to have
live at the comedy store    that problem.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    389
live at the comedy store    00:22:19,806 --> 00:22:21,975
live at the comedy store    I always want to be that person
live at the comedy store    where it's a new thing,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    390
live at the comedy store    00:22:22,016 --> 00:22:23,226
live at the comedy store    somebody's like,
live at the comedy store    hey, you wanna try this?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    391
live at the comedy store    00:22:23,268 --> 00:22:24,811
live at the comedy store    And I'm like, oh!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    392
live at the comedy store    00:22:24,853 --> 00:22:26,896
live at the comedy store    I don't know if I should.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    393
live at the comedy store    00:22:26,938 --> 00:22:29,232
live at the comedy store    This is crazy.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    394
live at the comedy store    00:22:29,274 --> 00:22:31,109
live at the comedy store    I don't even know
live at the comedy store    how I'm gonna do it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    395
live at the comedy store    00:22:31,151 --> 00:22:32,944
live at the comedy store    I mean, what is this?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    396
live at the comedy store    00:22:36,739 --> 00:22:39,242
live at the comedy store    Anyway, I got-
live at the comedy store    My friend had the little vape-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    397
live at the comedy store    00:22:39,243 --> 00:22:39,617
live at the comedy store    I'm a little worried, honestly,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    398
live at the comedy store    00:22:39,618 --> 00:22:41,412
live at the comedy store    by the young people
live at the comedy store    with the vaping
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    399
live at the comedy store    00:22:41,453 --> 00:22:45,665
live at the comedy store    and they just do this
live at the comedy store    and then they just vape.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    400
live at the comedy store    00:22:45,707 --> 00:22:48,918
live at the comedy store    And they just stand
live at the comedy store    on the corner and puff
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    401
live at the comedy store    00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,547
live at the comedy store    and look at the fucking thing
live at the comedy store    and I miss-I miss you.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    402
live at the comedy store    00:22:51,589 --> 00:22:53,465
live at the comedy store    That's what it is,
live at the comedy store    I miss you people,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    403
live at the comedy store    00:22:53,507 --> 00:22:55,551
live at the comedy store    'cause you used
live at the comedy store    to stand around like this
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    404
live at the comedy store    00:22:55,593 --> 00:22:57,428
live at the comedy store    and I get to go,
live at the comedy store    "I'd fuck that one,

405
00:22:57,469 --> 00:22:59,270
and that one's okay,"
live at the comedy store    but now I don't even-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    406
live at the comedy store    00:22:59,305 --> 00:23:01,390
live at the comedy store    I'm just looking at the top
live at the comedy store    of people's heads now.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    407
live at the comedy store    00:23:01,432 --> 00:23:04,225
live at the comedy store    But I didn't realize
live at the comedy store    how, like, my friend-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    408
live at the comedy store    00:23:04,267 --> 00:23:05,276
live at the comedy store    I have a younger friend
live at the comedy store    who vapes
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    409
live at the comedy store    00:23:05,311 --> 00:23:08,688
live at the comedy store    and she told me it's just
live at the comedy store    to kinda, like, calm her.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    410
live at the comedy store    00:23:08,689 --> 00:23:09,439
live at the comedy store    She's like, I barely feel it,
live at the comedy store    you know.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    411
live at the comedy store    00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:10,482
live at the comedy store    Sometimes it helps me sleep.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    412
live at the comedy store    00:23:10,524 --> 00:23:13,193
live at the comedy store    So one night, we're hanging out
live at the comedy store    and I'm like, I'm gonna go home
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    413
live at the comedy store    00:23:13,234 --> 00:23:14,819
live at the comedy store    and go to sleep,
live at the comedy store    but I mean, I'll just try it,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    414
live at the comedy store    00:23:14,820 --> 00:23:15,445
live at the comedy store    so I took one little tiny hit.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    415
live at the comedy store    00:23:15,446 --> 00:23:18,657
live at the comedy store    I was insane,
live at the comedy store    I was completely insane.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    416
live at the comedy store    00:23:19,699 --> 00:23:22,118
live at the comedy store    I was in my house, I couldn't
live at the comedy store    even walk past a window,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    417
live at the comedy store    00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:22,619
live at the comedy store    I had to go under the windows,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    418
live at the comedy store    00:23:22,620 --> 00:23:26,457
live at the comedy store    'cause I was afraid of
live at the comedy store    the inside of my own brain.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    419
live at the comedy store    00:23:30,710 --> 00:23:32,795
live at the comedy store    So I started texting people,
live at the comedy store    just being-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    420
live at the comedy store    00:23:32,837 --> 00:23:36,550
live at the comedy store    Just texting, "I'm so high.
live at the comedy store    I'm so fucking high.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    421
live at the comedy store    00:23:36,592 --> 00:23:39,268
live at the comedy store    I'm so high," and I texted,
live at the comedy store    you know, another friend.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    422
live at the comedy store    00:23:39,303 --> 00:23:44,057
live at the comedy store    "I'm so high I want to suck
the pot jizz out of my own dick

423
00:23:44,098 --> 00:23:45,183
and get higher."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    424
live at the comedy store    00:23:45,225 --> 00:23:46,225
live at the comedy store    That's what I wrote.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    425
live at the comedy store    00:23:46,726 --> 00:23:48,853
live at the comedy store    I'm not bragging, I'm just
live at the comedy store    telling you that's what I wrote.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    426
live at the comedy store    00:23:48,895 --> 00:23:50,230
live at the comedy store    And I sent it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    427
live at the comedy store    00:23:52,023 --> 00:23:53,942
live at the comedy store    And then later, I looked
live at the comedy store    at my text and I was, like,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    428
live at the comedy store    00:23:53,983 --> 00:23:56,736
live at the comedy store    I think I might have sent that
live at the comedy store    to my 12-year-old daughter.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    429
live at the comedy store    00:23:56,778 --> 00:23:57,778
live at the comedy store    I think it's possible.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    430
live at the comedy store    00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,930
live at the comedy store    And I didn't,
live at the comedy store    but I too easily could've.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    431
live at the comedy store    00:24:02,965 --> 00:24:05,621
live at the comedy store    We need-Now my kids
live at the comedy store    are in my phone.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    432
live at the comedy store    00:24:05,663 --> 00:24:09,416
live at the comedy store    There needs to be
live at the comedy store    some very reliable firewall
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    433
live at the comedy store    00:24:09,458 --> 00:24:13,920
live at the comedy store    that says, these numbers
live at the comedy store    are much harder to text,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    434
live at the comedy store    00:24:13,962 --> 00:24:15,673
live at the comedy store    that you can't just, whoops!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    435
live at the comedy store    00:24:15,714 --> 00:24:18,967
live at the comedy store    Traumatized her irreversibly!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    436
live at the comedy store    00:24:20,427 --> 00:24:23,597
live at the comedy store    That you can go, like,
live at the comedy store    to write to these numbers,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    437
live at the comedy store    00:24:23,639 --> 00:24:29,018
live at the comedy store    I have to solve the Hellraiser
live at the comedy store    puzzle and I have to...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    438
live at the comedy store    00:24:29,060 --> 00:24:32,772
live at the comedy store    There's two guys with the keys
live at the comedy store    in the opposite room
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    439
live at the comedy store    00:24:32,814 --> 00:24:34,358
live at the comedy store    that turn them
live at the comedy store    at the same moment
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    440
live at the comedy store    00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:35,734
live at the comedy store    and there's a warning.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    441
live at the comedy store    00:24:38,111 --> 00:24:39,697
live at the comedy store    "Are you sure you want
to send this picture

442
00:24:39,738 --> 00:24:43,199
of your pubic hair"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    443
live at the comedy store    00:24:43,241 --> 00:24:44,660
live at the comedy store    to your ex-wife's mother?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    444
live at the comedy store    00:24:46,370 --> 00:24:48,372
live at the comedy store    That's how you want
live at the comedy store    to break the silence
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    445
live at the comedy store    00:24:48,414 --> 00:24:52,292
live at the comedy store    of six years since the divorce.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    446
live at the comedy store    00:24:53,544 --> 00:24:54,544
live at the comedy store    "This is my pubic hair.

447
00:24:54,545 --> 00:24:56,630
Look at all of my pubic hair."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    448
live at the comedy store    00:24:56,672 --> 00:24:59,257
live at the comedy store    How have you been?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    449
live at the comedy store    00:25:05,681 --> 00:25:06,681
live at the comedy store    I try to be a good dad,
live at the comedy store    but, you know, like-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    450
live at the comedy store    00:25:06,682 --> 00:25:10,059
live at the comedy store    life just kinda takes off
live at the comedy store    and kids start, you know,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    451
live at the comedy store    00:25:10,101 --> 00:25:11,437
live at the comedy store    they got their own ideas
live at the comedy store    and they're-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    452
live at the comedy store    00:25:11,478 --> 00:25:14,981
live at the comedy store    My nine-year-old, she's just
live at the comedy store    figuring out about lying
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    453
live at the comedy store    00:25:14,982 --> 00:25:15,565
live at the comedy store    and that's a tough thing.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    454
live at the comedy store    00:25:15,566 --> 00:25:17,484
live at the comedy store    It's hard to roll that one back,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    455
live at the comedy store    00:25:17,526 --> 00:25:23,407
live at the comedy store    because lying is pretty
live at the comedy store    amazingly useful in life.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    456
live at the comedy store    00:25:23,449 --> 00:25:26,826
live at the comedy store    It's like, how do you tell a kid
live at the comedy store    not to use a thing
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    457
live at the comedy store    00:25:26,868 --> 00:25:31,080
live at the comedy store    that just solves every
live at the comedy store    possible problem, like magic?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    458
live at the comedy store    00:25:31,582 --> 00:25:32,624
live at the comedy store    How do you...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    459
live at the comedy store    00:25:33,625 --> 00:25:35,419
live at the comedy store    'Cause that's why-Kids lie
live at the comedy store    'cause they're in trouble.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    460
live at the comedy store    00:25:35,461 --> 00:25:37,671
live at the comedy store    They lie 'cause they're in more
live at the comedy store    trouble than they can take,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    461
live at the comedy store    00:25:37,713 --> 00:25:39,964
live at the comedy store    you know?
live at the comedy store    'Cause kids...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    462
live at the comedy store    00:25:39,965 --> 00:25:40,715
live at the comedy store    Nine-year-old, when
live at the comedy store    a nine-year-old lies,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    463
live at the comedy store    00:25:40,716 --> 00:25:45,094
live at the comedy store    it's not for some weird
live at the comedy store    Machiavellian, you know...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    464
live at the comedy store    00:25:45,136 --> 00:25:46,929
live at the comedy store    "Do you know what my teacher
said about you?

465
00:25:46,930 --> 00:25:47,430
It was interesting."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    466
live at the comedy store    00:25:47,431 --> 00:25:51,017
live at the comedy store    They don't just make shit up.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    467
live at the comedy store    00:25:51,352 --> 00:25:52,603
live at the comedy store    They lie because
live at the comedy store    they're in trouble
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    468
live at the comedy store    00:25:52,644 --> 00:25:53,771
live at the comedy store    and it's more than they can-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    469
live at the comedy store    00:25:53,812 --> 00:25:55,647
live at the comedy store    'Cause trouble
live at the comedy store    is too much for a kid.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    470
live at the comedy store    00:25:55,689 --> 00:25:57,775
live at the comedy store    Trouble-For grown-ups,
live at the comedy store    we can take trouble.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    471
live at the comedy store    00:25:57,816 --> 00:26:01,110
live at the comedy store    We don't care.
live at the comedy store    We just go, oh, I'm sorry.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    472
live at the comedy store    00:26:01,152 --> 00:26:02,571
live at the comedy store    Oh, am I in trouble?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    473
live at the comedy store    00:26:02,613 --> 00:26:06,157
live at the comedy store    Oh, whoops!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    474
live at the comedy store    00:26:06,199 --> 00:26:08,910
live at the comedy store    We don't care.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    475
live at the comedy store    00:26:08,951 --> 00:26:12,080
live at the comedy store    But to a little kid, trouble is
live at the comedy store    like this horrible...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    476
live at the comedy store    00:26:12,121 --> 00:26:14,290
live at the comedy store    Did you take the chocolate?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    477
live at the comedy store    00:26:19,505 --> 00:26:23,174
live at the comedy store    And she did and she doesn't know
live at the comedy store    how to handle it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    478
live at the comedy store    00:26:23,175 --> 00:26:23,341
live at the comedy store    Did you-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    479
live at the comedy store    00:26:23,342 --> 00:26:25,386
live at the comedy store    Did you take it?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    480
live at the comedy store    00:26:30,890 --> 00:26:32,058
live at the comedy store    No.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    481
live at the comedy store    00:26:32,810 --> 00:26:35,479
live at the comedy store    Well, all right, then,
live at the comedy store    have a nice day.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    482
live at the comedy store    00:26:44,153 --> 00:26:46,072
live at the comedy store    How do you then tell her,
live at the comedy store    yeah, don't ever apply
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    483
live at the comedy store    00:26:46,114 --> 00:26:49,326
live at the comedy store    that perfect solution again,
live at the comedy store    to terrifying things.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    484
live at the comedy store    00:26:51,745 --> 00:26:54,748
live at the comedy store    Mark Twain once said, "A man
live at the comedy store    who always tells the truth
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    485
live at the comedy store    00:26:54,790 --> 00:26:57,459
live at the comedy store    doesn't have to remember
live at the comedy store    what he said."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    486
live at the comedy store    00:26:57,501 --> 00:26:58,836
live at the comedy store    And that's great.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    487
live at the comedy store    00:26:58,877 --> 00:27:01,839
live at the comedy store    But Mark Twain also said,
live at the comedy store    "There once was a big black guy

488
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:04,341
named Nigger Jim."
live at the comedy store    So...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    489
live at the comedy store    00:27:05,342 --> 00:27:07,344
live at the comedy store    I don't know if...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    490
live at the comedy store    00:27:07,386 --> 00:27:10,764
live at the comedy store    ...a hundred percent
live at the comedy store    of the things he said
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    491
live at the comedy store    00:27:10,806 --> 00:27:12,599
live at the comedy store    were perfectly awesome.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    492
live at the comedy store    00:27:18,187 --> 00:27:19,731
live at the comedy store    Really, Mark? Nigger Jim,
live at the comedy store    you're gonna go with?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    493
live at the comedy store    00:27:19,773 --> 00:27:22,776
live at the comedy store    That's the best you can do,
live at the comedy store    to name the-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    494
live at the comedy store    00:27:22,818 --> 00:27:25,571
live at the comedy store    It's got kind of a nice ring
live at the comedy store    to it, Nigger Jim.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    495
live at the comedy store    00:27:25,612 --> 00:27:28,615
live at the comedy store    Yeah, well, it's a little
live at the comedy store    on the nose, isn't it?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    496
live at the comedy store    00:27:31,117 --> 00:27:33,370
live at the comedy store    Could've called him Black Mike,
live at the comedy store    I mean, just a little...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    497
live at the comedy store    00:27:34,455 --> 00:27:38,082
live at the comedy store    Take it down one notch of the...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    498
live at the comedy store    00:27:38,124 --> 00:27:39,959
live at the comedy store    Thanks for that, Mark.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    499
live at the comedy store    00:27:44,281 --> 00:27:45,824
live at the comedy store    Anyway.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    500
live at the comedy store    00:27:45,866 --> 00:27:48,869
live at the comedy store    So, while we're in this area...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    501
live at the comedy store    00:27:50,203 --> 00:27:51,872
live at the comedy store    Now that I know
live at the comedy store    you guys are cool.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    502
live at the comedy store    00:27:51,913 --> 00:27:54,456
live at the comedy store    No, no.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    503
live at the comedy store    00:27:54,498 --> 00:27:55,498
live at the comedy store    No.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    504
live at the comedy store    00:28:01,672 --> 00:28:03,424
live at the comedy store    No. Um...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    505
live at the comedy store    00:28:03,465 --> 00:28:04,508
live at the comedy store    No, no.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    506
live at the comedy store    00:28:04,509 --> 00:28:04,758
live at the comedy store    But, uh-but, uh...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    507
live at the comedy store    00:28:04,759 --> 00:28:06,177
live at the comedy store    but... but...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    508
live at the comedy store    00:28:09,931 --> 00:28:10,931
live at the comedy store    This is a story
live at the comedy store    that takes place-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    509
live at the comedy store    00:28:10,932 --> 00:28:13,018
live at the comedy store    I'm gonna tell you this story,
live at the comedy store    it's kind of a messy story.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    510
live at the comedy store    00:28:13,059 --> 00:28:15,103
live at the comedy store    It takes place over a lot
live at the comedy store    of years, 'cause it start-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    511
live at the comedy store    00:28:15,145 --> 00:28:17,856
live at the comedy store    It started with my friend Mike,
live at the comedy store    who told me this story.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    512
live at the comedy store    00:28:17,898 --> 00:28:20,275
live at the comedy store    This happened to him
live at the comedy store    back in the '90s.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    513
live at the comedy store    00:28:20,317 --> 00:28:24,070
live at the comedy store    He was going home for Christmas
live at the comedy store    and he lives in Connecticut-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    514
live at the comedy store    00:28:24,112 --> 00:28:27,324
live at the comedy store    He grew up in Connecticut
live at the comedy store    in some shitty shit town
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    515
live at the comedy store    00:28:27,365 --> 00:28:30,160
live at the comedy store    in shitty, shitty Connecticut,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    516
live at the comedy store    00:28:30,201 --> 00:28:33,537
live at the comedy store    and he didn't like going home.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    517
live at the comedy store    00:28:33,538 --> 00:28:34,204
live at the comedy store    He's one of those people.
live at the comedy store    He came from a place-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    518
live at the comedy store    00:28:34,205 --> 00:28:36,582
live at the comedy store    Doesn't like it anymore.
live at the comedy store    And he goes back-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    519
live at the comedy store    00:28:36,624 --> 00:28:38,500
live at the comedy store    He doesn't know how
live at the comedy store    to handle his family, you know,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    520
live at the comedy store    00:28:38,542 --> 00:28:40,045
live at the comedy store    and he came from a family
live at the comedy store    of white racists
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    521
live at the comedy store    00:28:40,086 --> 00:28:42,255
live at the comedy store    and he doesn't like going home,
live at the comedy store    but it's still home,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    522
live at the comedy store    00:28:42,297 --> 00:28:44,382
live at the comedy store    so he went home
live at the comedy store    for Christmas one year
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    523
live at the comedy store    00:28:45,424 --> 00:28:47,509
live at the comedy store    and everybody's hanging out
live at the comedy store    during the day, talking,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    524
live at the comedy store    00:28:47,551 --> 00:28:49,637
live at the comedy store    having lunch,
live at the comedy store    and his father and his brother
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    525
live at the comedy store    00:28:49,638 --> 00:28:50,137
live at the comedy store    both work at this factory
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    526
live at the comedy store    00:28:50,138 --> 00:28:52,140
live at the comedy store    and his brother's grousing
live at the comedy store    about his day at work
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    527
live at the comedy store    00:28:52,182 --> 00:28:54,642
live at the comedy store    and he goes, "Yeah,
live at the comedy store    and then this fucking nigger
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    528
live at the comedy store    00:28:54,643 --> 00:28:55,225
live at the comedy store    fell asleep at the forklift."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    529
live at the comedy store    00:28:55,226 --> 00:28:59,647
live at the comedy store    And then my friend Mike heard
live at the comedy store    that and he went, "Oh, God.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    530
live at the comedy store    00:28:59,688 --> 00:29:01,316
live at the comedy store    Why am I part of these people?
live at the comedy store    I hate this."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    531
live at the comedy store    00:29:01,358 --> 00:29:02,699
live at the comedy store    And he felt bad.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    532
live at the comedy store    00:29:02,734 --> 00:29:05,611
live at the comedy store    And then that night,
live at the comedy store    he's in the kitchen
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    533
live at the comedy store    00:29:05,653 --> 00:29:08,239
live at the comedy store    and he's having a warm milk
live at the comedy store    or whatever and he...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    534
live at the comedy store    00:29:08,281 --> 00:29:10,033
live at the comedy store    I don't know why that's-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    535
live at the comedy store    00:29:10,075 --> 00:29:12,202
live at the comedy store    I don't know
live at the comedy store    why that's funny, but...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    536
live at the comedy store    00:29:12,243 --> 00:29:13,328
live at the comedy store    What that says about him.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    537
live at the comedy store    00:29:13,370 --> 00:29:15,038
live at the comedy store    Yeah, 'cause he's a pussy.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    538
live at the comedy store    00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:16,671
live at the comedy store    No.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    539
live at the comedy store    00:29:16,706 --> 00:29:19,458
live at the comedy store    He's just sort of having
live at the comedy store    some time to himself
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    540
live at the comedy store    00:29:19,459 --> 00:29:20,209
live at the comedy store    and his cousin comes downstairs,
live at the comedy store    who's staying-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    541
live at the comedy store    00:29:20,210 --> 00:29:22,461
live at the comedy store    And his cousin,
live at the comedy store    he likes his cousin.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    542
live at the comedy store    00:29:22,503 --> 00:29:23,503
live at the comedy store    That's the one person
live at the comedy store    he always felt connected with,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    543
live at the comedy store    00:29:24,005 --> 00:29:25,005
live at the comedy store    and his cousin's like,
live at the comedy store    What's wrong, man?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    544
live at the comedy store    00:29:25,006 --> 00:29:27,384
live at the comedy store    And he says, "Well, jeez,
live at the comedy store    I come home and I hoped
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    545
live at the comedy store    00:29:27,425 --> 00:29:29,094
live at the comedy store    "that everything would be,
you know, normal,

546
00:29:29,135 --> 00:29:31,888
but then, my brother says,"
live at the comedy store    uhh, he's at the factory
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    547
live at the comedy store    00:29:31,930 --> 00:29:34,140
live at the comedy store    and this nigger
live at the comedy store    fell asleep at the forklift."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    548
live at the comedy store    00:29:34,182 --> 00:29:35,976
live at the comedy store    And his cousin goes,
live at the comedy store    "Oh, my God,

549
00:29:36,017 --> 00:29:38,186
the nigger fell asleep
at the forklift?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    550
live at the comedy store    00:29:41,189 --> 00:29:42,732
live at the comedy store    So this is the first part
live at the comedy store    of the story, okay?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    551
live at the comedy store    00:29:42,774 --> 00:29:44,699
live at the comedy store    So Mike tells me that story
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    552
live at the comedy store    00:29:44,734 --> 00:29:47,737
live at the comedy store    about how he's just not listened
live at the comedy store    to by anybody in his family,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    553
live at the comedy store    00:29:47,779 --> 00:29:51,699
live at the comedy store    and then later on, I get
live at the comedy store    a job writing on a TV show
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    554
live at the comedy store    00:29:51,700 --> 00:29:51,907
live at the comedy store    for Cedric the Entertainer.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    555
live at the comedy store    00:29:51,908 --> 00:29:55,661
live at the comedy store    Great guy, and he had a show
live at the comedy store    and he hired a writing staff,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    556
live at the comedy store    00:29:55,696 --> 00:29:56,955
live at the comedy store    half white writers,
live at the comedy store    half black writers.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    557
live at the comedy store    00:29:56,997 --> 00:29:59,165
live at the comedy store    So at lunchtime, we talk
live at the comedy store    about race, it was just a-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    558
live at the comedy store    00:29:59,207 --> 00:30:02,584
live at the comedy store    We'd have these provocative,
live at the comedy store    interesting conversations,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    559
live at the comedy store    00:30:02,626 --> 00:30:03,878
live at the comedy store    trading notes about race,
live at the comedy store    the white writers
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    560
live at the comedy store    00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:05,922
live at the comedy store    and the black writers,
live at the comedy store    and I told that story.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    561
live at the comedy store    00:30:05,964 --> 00:30:07,257
live at the comedy store    I told the whole thing
live at the comedy store    about the guy,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    562
live at the comedy store    00:30:07,298 --> 00:30:09,426
live at the comedy store    Uhh, nigger and the forklift,
live at the comedy store    And then the cousin saying,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    563
live at the comedy store    00:30:09,467 --> 00:30:10,760
live at the comedy store    "Uhh, the nigger
at the forklift!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    564
live at the comedy store    00:30:10,802 --> 00:30:14,596
live at the comedy store    And then one of the writers,
live at the comedy store    a black writer,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    565
live at the comedy store    00:30:14,597 --> 00:30:15,014
live at the comedy store    he goes, "There's nothing worse
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    566
live at the comedy store    00:30:15,015 --> 00:30:17,767
live at the comedy store    "than a nigger falling asleep
at the forklift,

567
00:30:20,937 --> 00:30:23,398
making it harder
for the rest of us."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    568
live at the comedy store    00:30:26,525 --> 00:30:28,278
live at the comedy store    Still, nobody is quite hearing
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    569
live at the comedy store    00:30:28,319 --> 00:30:32,573
live at the comedy store    what my friend
live at the comedy store    was going through.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    570
live at the comedy store    00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:38,121
live at the comedy store    And then, about a year later,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    571
live at the comedy store    00:30:38,163 --> 00:30:39,956
live at the comedy store    I'm hanging out
live at the comedy store    with my friend Dino.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    572
live at the comedy store    00:30:39,998 --> 00:30:41,041
live at the comedy store    Dino is Greek.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    573
live at the comedy store    00:30:41,082 --> 00:30:44,543
live at the comedy store    He has no dog in the race,
live at the comedy store    he doesn't care either way.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    574
live at the comedy store    00:30:44,585 --> 00:30:46,004
live at the comedy store    He's Greek. Greeks aren't
live at the comedy store    white or black, they're just-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    575
live at the comedy store    00:30:46,046 --> 00:30:48,214
live at the comedy store    He's just got a big nose
live at the comedy store    and he just stands there.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    576
live at the comedy store    00:30:52,969 --> 00:30:55,930
live at the comedy store    And I told Dino the whole story,
live at the comedy store    I told him about the guy,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    577
live at the comedy store    00:30:55,972 --> 00:30:58,099
live at the comedy store    Uhh, the forklift,
live at the comedy store    and the guy, "Uhh!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    578
live at the comedy store    00:30:58,141 --> 00:31:01,602
live at the comedy store    And then the black writer-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    579
live at the comedy store    00:31:01,643 --> 00:31:04,230
live at the comedy store    And then Dino says, "How do
live at the comedy store    you fall asleep at a forklift?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    580
live at the comedy store    00:31:14,991 --> 00:31:18,660
live at the comedy store    My oldest daughter is gonna be
live at the comedy store    13 next year, that's a big deal.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    581
live at the comedy store    00:31:18,661 --> 00:31:18,786
live at the comedy store    That's a big deal.
live at the comedy store    That's-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    582
live at the comedy store    00:31:18,787 --> 00:31:20,789
live at the comedy store    All the parents ahead of you
live at the comedy store    always go, like, yeah.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    583
live at the comedy store    00:31:20,830 --> 00:31:25,752
live at the comedy store    Yeah, wait 'til she...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    584
live at the comedy store    00:31:25,794 --> 00:31:29,588
live at the comedy store    That's when you...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    585
live at the comedy store    00:31:31,007 --> 00:31:32,342
live at the comedy store    I'm not afraid
live at the comedy store    of her teenagehood.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    586
live at the comedy store    00:31:32,383 --> 00:31:33,885
live at the comedy store    It's gonna be challenging
live at the comedy store    and difficult
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    587
live at the comedy store    00:31:33,927 --> 00:31:35,553
live at the comedy store    and she'll meet
live at the comedy store    the challenges, you know.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    588
live at the comedy store    00:31:36,595 --> 00:31:37,931
live at the comedy store    I'm always proud of my kid.
live at the comedy store    She's a good kid.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    589
live at the comedy store    00:31:37,972 --> 00:31:39,808
live at the comedy store    Now, some parents are really
live at the comedy store    afraid of their daughters.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    590
live at the comedy store    00:31:39,849 --> 00:31:43,061
live at the comedy store    A lot of dads get scared, like,
live at the comedy store    I don't know what to do.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    591
live at the comedy store    00:31:43,103 --> 00:31:44,562
live at the comedy store    I have this friend,
live at the comedy store    his daughter's 15,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    592
live at the comedy store    00:31:45,604 --> 00:31:46,815
live at the comedy store    he's like, "She's gonna
live at the comedy store    start having sex!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    593
live at the comedy store    00:31:46,856 --> 00:31:48,817
live at the comedy store    "I don't know what to do!

594
00:31:48,858 --> 00:31:51,528
She's gonna have sex,
what do I do?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    595
live at the comedy store    00:31:51,569 --> 00:31:53,905
live at the comedy store    I'm like, well,
live at the comedy store    you don't do anything.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    596
live at the comedy store    00:31:53,947 --> 00:31:56,199
live at the comedy store    You don't have a role
live at the comedy store    in that at all.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    597
live at the comedy store    00:31:56,241 --> 00:31:58,993
live at the comedy store    You're her father.
live at the comedy store    No role.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    598
live at the comedy store    00:31:59,035 --> 00:32:02,247
live at the comedy store    Not supportive
live at the comedy store    or advisory, nothing.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    599
live at the comedy store    00:32:05,208 --> 00:32:07,377
live at the comedy store    "But what if she has a bad
sexual experience?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    600
live at the comedy store    00:32:07,418 --> 00:32:10,296
live at the comedy store    Oh, she's gonna have
live at the comedy store    a number of those.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    601
live at the comedy store    00:32:10,338 --> 00:32:12,715
live at the comedy store    Oh, yes, she is.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    602
live at the comedy store    00:32:12,757 --> 00:32:14,300
live at the comedy store    Her whole life
live at the comedy store    is gonna be just walking
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    603
live at the comedy store    00:32:14,342 --> 00:32:17,929
live at the comedy store    through a blizzard of bad dicks,
live at the comedy store    just...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    604
live at the comedy store    00:32:19,430 --> 00:32:21,640
live at the comedy store    Ow!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    605
live at the comedy store    00:32:21,682 --> 00:32:22,934
live at the comedy store    Dicks, just-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    606
live at the comedy store    00:32:22,976 --> 00:32:24,727
live at the comedy store    Jesus.
live at the comedy store    What the fuck?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    607
live at the comedy store    00:32:24,769 --> 00:32:25,854
live at the comedy store    That was a big one.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    608
live at the comedy store    00:32:25,895 --> 00:32:27,981
live at the comedy store    Holy fuck, I'm just
live at the comedy store    trying to get to work.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    609
live at the comedy store    00:32:40,285 --> 00:32:41,452
live at the comedy store    The little one,
live at the comedy store    the nine-year-old,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    610
live at the comedy store    00:32:41,494 --> 00:32:42,669
live at the comedy store    life's a little simpler.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    611
live at the comedy store    00:32:42,704 --> 00:32:45,582
live at the comedy store    Tap dancing, she takes
live at the comedy store    tap dancing lessons.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    612
live at the comedy store    00:32:45,623 --> 00:32:48,209
live at the comedy store    We started her with tap dancing,
live at the comedy store    because we figure
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    613
live at the comedy store    00:32:48,251 --> 00:32:51,004
live at the comedy store    by the time she grows up,
live at the comedy store    it'll be the 1930s again,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    614
live at the comedy store    00:32:51,045 --> 00:32:52,630
live at the comedy store    and, uh, yeah.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    615
live at the comedy store    00:32:53,672 --> 00:32:54,966
live at the comedy store    She'll have this thing
live at the comedy store    she can do
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    616
live at the comedy store    00:32:55,008 --> 00:32:57,093
live at the comedy store    that nobody enjoys watching.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    617
live at the comedy store    00:32:58,386 --> 00:33:00,388
live at the comedy store    Do you know who the audience is
live at the comedy store    for tap dancing?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    618
live at the comedy store    00:33:00,430 --> 00:33:03,016
live at the comedy store    The parents of
live at the comedy store    tap dancing students.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    619
live at the comedy store    00:33:03,057 --> 00:33:04,851
live at the comedy store    That's all of it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    620
live at the comedy store    00:33:04,893 --> 00:33:06,144
live at the comedy store    'Cause we all have
live at the comedy store    to go to the show
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    621
live at the comedy store    00:33:06,186 --> 00:33:09,522
live at the comedy store    at the end of
live at the comedy store    the tap dancing semester,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    622
live at the comedy store    00:33:09,564 --> 00:33:11,191
live at the comedy store    and they have a big theater show
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    623
live at the comedy store    00:33:11,232 --> 00:33:12,567
live at the comedy store    and all the kids get up there,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    624
live at the comedy store    00:33:12,609 --> 00:33:15,320
live at the comedy store    they all tap dance
live at the comedy store    in groups of threes.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    625
live at the comedy store    00:33:15,361 --> 00:33:18,198
live at the comedy store    There's about 6,000 kids.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    626
live at the comedy store    00:33:18,239 --> 00:33:20,700
live at the comedy store    They do about 20 minutes each.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    627
live at the comedy store    00:33:20,742 --> 00:33:23,453
live at the comedy store    So the show's about
live at the comedy store    seven months long,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    628
live at the comedy store    00:33:23,494 --> 00:33:26,623
live at the comedy store    and everybody dies at the end.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    629
live at the comedy store    00:33:26,664 --> 00:33:28,625
live at the comedy store    But you go because you want
live at the comedy store    to see your kid tap dance,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    630
live at the comedy store    00:33:28,666 --> 00:33:30,460
live at the comedy store    'cause that's an amazing thing,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    631
live at the comedy store    00:33:30,501 --> 00:33:33,630
live at the comedy store    'cause this was a baby,
live at the comedy store    she was just a baby.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    632
live at the comedy store    00:33:33,671 --> 00:33:35,256
live at the comedy store    She was just like...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    633
live at the comedy store    00:33:35,840 --> 00:33:38,134
live at the comedy store    That's it.
live at the comedy store    And now she's going like this.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    634
live at the comedy store    00:33:40,553 --> 00:33:42,305
live at the comedy store    It's amazing.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    635
live at the comedy store    00:33:42,347 --> 00:33:44,641
live at the comedy store    But you gotta watch
live at the comedy store    all those other kids
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    636
live at the comedy store    00:33:44,682 --> 00:33:46,392
live at the comedy store    that you don't love at all.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    637
live at the comedy store    00:33:48,853 --> 00:33:50,939
live at the comedy store    And you gotta watch people,
live at the comedy store    grown-ups do it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    638
live at the comedy store    00:33:50,980 --> 00:33:52,190
live at the comedy store    There's grown-up-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    639
live at the comedy store    00:33:52,232 --> 00:33:54,192
live at the comedy store    Adult students,
live at the comedy store    and they get up there.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    640
live at the comedy store    00:33:54,234 --> 00:33:56,945
live at the comedy store    Get off!
live at the comedy store    Nobody's here to see you!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    641
live at the comedy store    00:33:56,986 --> 00:33:58,112
live at the comedy store    Nobody!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    642
live at the comedy store    00:33:58,154 --> 00:34:00,406
live at the comedy store    Your parents are dead,
live at the comedy store    you're 52!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    643
live at the comedy store    00:34:03,076 --> 00:34:06,079
live at the comedy store    Nobody came from work.
live at the comedy store    Nobody came from work.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    644
live at the comedy store    00:34:12,418 --> 00:34:16,256
live at the comedy store    I take her every-every
live at the comedy store    Thursday to tap dancing
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    645
live at the comedy store    00:34:16,297 --> 00:34:19,884
live at the comedy store    and we go up to the school and
live at the comedy store    she puts on her tap shoes
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    646
live at the comedy store    00:34:19,926 --> 00:34:21,427
live at the comedy store    and she goes in the little room.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    647
live at the comedy store    00:34:21,469 --> 00:34:24,806
live at the comedy store    I don't go in there, and she
live at the comedy store    tap dances and I wait outside,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    648
live at the comedy store    00:34:24,847 --> 00:34:28,017
live at the comedy store    because it's 40 minutes, it's
live at the comedy store    not enough time to go anywhere.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    649
live at the comedy store    00:34:28,059 --> 00:34:31,562
live at the comedy store    So I just sit there and listen
live at the comedy store    to...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    650
live at the comedy store    00:34:33,314 --> 00:34:35,316
live at the comedy store    And then she comes out.
live at the comedy store    "I don't-I'm tired of this.

651
00:34:35,358 --> 00:34:36,401
I don't want to go anymore."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    652
live at the comedy store    00:34:36,442 --> 00:34:38,444
live at the comedy store    Good, don't.
live at the comedy store    I don't want to bring you.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    653
live at the comedy store    00:34:38,486 --> 00:34:41,489
live at the comedy store    Quit. Quit.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    654
live at the comedy store    00:34:41,531 --> 00:34:42,573
live at the comedy store    I don't care.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    655
live at the comedy store    00:34:42,615 --> 00:34:44,867
live at the comedy store    I don't push my kids
live at the comedy store    into this shit.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    656
live at the comedy store    00:34:44,909 --> 00:34:46,202
live at the comedy store    'Cause you gotta do it, too.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    657
live at the comedy store    00:34:46,244 --> 00:34:48,204
live at the comedy store    I don't wanna do it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    658
live at the comedy store    00:34:48,246 --> 00:34:50,039
live at the comedy store    Daddy, I'm tired of soccer.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    659
live at the comedy store    00:34:50,081 --> 00:34:53,209
live at the comedy store    Soccer is out of our lives
live at the comedy store    forever,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    660
live at the comedy store    00:34:53,251 --> 00:34:56,254
live at the comedy store    with those words
live at the comedy store    from thine mouth.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    661
live at the comedy store    00:34:56,296 --> 00:34:58,006
live at the comedy store    Soccer is gone.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    662
live at the comedy store    00:34:58,047 --> 00:34:59,507
live at the comedy store    I don't care-
live at the comedy store    Don't go to school,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    663
live at the comedy store    00:34:59,549 --> 00:35:01,301
live at the comedy store    I don't want to get up at 7:00.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    664
live at the comedy store    00:35:02,635 --> 00:35:05,263
live at the comedy store    Don't do any of this shit,
live at the comedy store    honey. I don't care.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    665
live at the comedy store    00:35:05,305 --> 00:35:08,474
live at the comedy store    I have money, just eat
live at the comedy store    the food in the house.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    666
live at the comedy store    00:35:09,309 --> 00:35:10,309
live at the comedy store    Stay home and eat.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    667
live at the comedy store    00:35:12,145 --> 00:35:13,563
live at the comedy store    You and your sister,
live at the comedy store    don't have kids,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    668
live at the comedy store    00:35:13,604 --> 00:35:15,815
live at the comedy store    I can cover all of us
live at the comedy store    and then we all die.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    669
live at the comedy store    00:35:22,740 --> 00:35:23,740
live at the comedy store    That's my goal.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    670
live at the comedy store    00:35:23,741 --> 00:35:26,826
live at the comedy store    I want to make enough money
live at the comedy store    that we can just lock the door
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    671
live at the comedy store    00:35:26,868 --> 00:35:28,494
live at the comedy store    and eat the food.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    672
live at the comedy store    00:35:28,536 --> 00:35:29,536
live at the comedy store    That's it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    673
live at the comedy store    00:35:31,372 --> 00:35:32,623
live at the comedy store    "Daddy, what are we
doing today?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    674
live at the comedy store    00:35:32,665 --> 00:35:35,251
live at the comedy store    Go to the food room and pick
live at the comedy store    something out and go to bed.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    675
live at the comedy store    00:35:37,337 --> 00:35:39,172
live at the comedy store    That's all
live at the comedy store    that's required of you.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    676
live at the comedy store    00:35:40,840 --> 00:35:43,843
live at the comedy store    People-People overthink
live at the comedy store    this life shit.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    677
live at the comedy store    00:35:43,885 --> 00:35:45,636
live at the comedy store    People get all knotted up.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    678
live at the comedy store    00:35:45,678 --> 00:35:47,972
live at the comedy store    "I don't know what to do
with my life.

679
00:35:48,014 --> 00:35:51,142
Like, I don't know, like,"
live at the comedy store    what I should be, or, like...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    680
live at the comedy store    00:35:51,184 --> 00:35:53,519
live at the comedy store    "I don't know, it's like...

681
00:35:53,561 --> 00:35:55,563
What should I, like, do?

682
00:35:55,605 --> 00:35:58,566
With my-
With, like, my life?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    683
live at the comedy store    00:36:00,568 --> 00:36:03,196
live at the comedy store    Just get food
live at the comedy store    and put it in the-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    684
live at the comedy store    00:36:03,237 --> 00:36:05,114
live at the comedy store    Put food in here.
live at the comedy store    That's it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    685
live at the comedy store    00:36:05,156 --> 00:36:06,949
live at the comedy store    Put food in here.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    686
live at the comedy store    00:36:06,991 --> 00:36:09,668
live at the comedy store    Walk around and look for food.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    687
live at the comedy store    00:36:09,703 --> 00:36:13,164
live at the comedy store    And anytime you see
live at the comedy store    any food, put it in here.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    688
live at the comedy store    00:36:13,206 --> 00:36:16,417
live at the comedy store    Just take it and put it in here.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    689
live at the comedy store    00:36:16,459 --> 00:36:18,086
live at the comedy store    Later, when you feel pressure,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    690
live at the comedy store    00:36:18,127 --> 00:36:21,381
live at the comedy store    shit out the shit in there.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    691
live at the comedy store    00:36:22,423 --> 00:36:23,508
live at the comedy store    That's it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    692
live at the comedy store    00:36:23,549 --> 00:36:25,468
live at the comedy store    If anybody tries to stop you
live at the comedy store    from doing either of those,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    693
live at the comedy store    00:36:25,510 --> 00:36:26,969
live at the comedy store    murder them.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    694
live at the comedy store    00:36:31,641 --> 00:36:32,892
live at the comedy store    That's it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    695
live at the comedy store    00:36:34,143 --> 00:36:36,145
live at the comedy store    Doesn't have to be
live at the comedy store    any more complicated.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    696
live at the comedy store    00:36:37,021 --> 00:36:38,898
live at the comedy store    Do it 'til you're died-
live at the comedy store    'til you're dead.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    697
live at the comedy store    00:36:38,940 --> 00:36:40,900
live at the comedy store    'Til you're dead, died, dead.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    698
live at the comedy store    00:36:42,861 --> 00:36:43,861
live at the comedy store    I don't know how long
live at the comedy store    I'm gonna live, I have no idea.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    699
live at the comedy store    00:36:43,862 --> 00:36:46,572
live at the comedy store    You don't really ever get
live at the comedy store    to find out.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    700
live at the comedy store    00:36:49,909 --> 00:36:52,495
live at the comedy store    You never get to go,
live at the comedy store    okay, I'm dead, so, 80.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    701
live at the comedy store    00:36:54,247 --> 00:36:55,498
live at the comedy store    You don't ever get
live at the comedy store    to have that thought.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    702
live at the comedy store    00:36:55,540 --> 00:36:57,500
live at the comedy store    This is it. You get to go,
live at the comedy store    This is probably it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    703
live at the comedy store    00:36:57,542 --> 00:36:59,293
live at the comedy store    That's your last thought.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    704
live at the comedy store    00:36:59,335 --> 00:37:02,171
live at the comedy store    "This is probably it
right here."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    705
live at the comedy store    00:37:05,091 --> 00:37:07,385
live at the comedy store    Yeah, well, we're all
live at the comedy store    gonna die at some point.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    706
live at the comedy store    00:37:07,386 --> 00:37:07,885
live at the comedy store    It's true, man.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    707
live at the comedy store    00:37:07,886 --> 00:37:09,929
live at the comedy store    And you find out at some point-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    708
live at the comedy store    00:37:09,971 --> 00:37:11,305
live at the comedy store    It's an interesting thing
live at the comedy store    about human beings,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    709
live at the comedy store    00:37:11,347 --> 00:37:13,433
live at the comedy store    that we live with the knowledge
live at the comedy store    that we're gonna die.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    710
live at the comedy store    00:37:13,474 --> 00:37:16,102
live at the comedy store    I found out when I was seven
live at the comedy store    that everybody dies.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    711
live at the comedy store    00:37:16,144 --> 00:37:18,083
live at the comedy store    My grandfather told me.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    712
live at the comedy store    00:37:18,118 --> 00:37:20,022
live at the comedy store    He said, "Everybody dies!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    713
live at the comedy store    00:37:21,524 --> 00:37:23,401
live at the comedy store    I wasn't even talking to him.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    714
live at the comedy store    00:37:28,114 --> 00:37:30,199
live at the comedy store    I was just trying
live at the comedy store    to blow out the candles.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    715
live at the comedy store    00:37:42,044 --> 00:37:45,131
live at the comedy store    And I was seven years old when
live at the comedy store    I found out that everybody dies.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    716
live at the comedy store    00:37:45,173 --> 00:37:47,592
live at the comedy store    And I was excited,
live at the comedy store    not 'cause everybody dies,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    717
live at the comedy store    00:37:47,593 --> 00:37:47,884
live at the comedy store    but 'cause I knew it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    718
live at the comedy store    00:37:47,885 --> 00:37:50,678
live at the comedy store    I was excited 'cause I knew
live at the comedy store    I was young to know
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    719
live at the comedy store    00:37:50,679 --> 00:37:50,803
live at the comedy store    that everybody dies.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    720
live at the comedy store    00:37:50,804 --> 00:37:53,473
live at the comedy store    I knew that most of my friends
live at the comedy store    didn't know and I thought,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    721
live at the comedy store    00:37:53,514 --> 00:37:55,141
live at the comedy store    I'm gonna tell them.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    722
live at the comedy store    00:37:55,183 --> 00:37:57,977
live at the comedy store    I want to be the one
live at the comedy store    that tells everybody.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    723
live at the comedy store    00:37:58,019 --> 00:37:59,708
live at the comedy store    I especially
live at the comedy store    wanted to tell Benjy,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    724
live at the comedy store    00:37:59,743 --> 00:38:01,397
live at the comedy store    this kid across the street
live at the comedy store    from me.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    725
live at the comedy store    00:38:01,439 --> 00:38:03,024
live at the comedy store    There was this kid Benjy,
live at the comedy store    he lived-I didn't-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    726
live at the comedy store    00:38:03,065 --> 00:38:04,525
live at the comedy store    He wasn't my friend.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    727
live at the comedy store    00:38:04,567 --> 00:38:05,903
live at the comedy store    I was seven and he was six,
live at the comedy store    but if I ever came out
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    728
live at the comedy store    00:38:05,944 --> 00:38:08,070
live at the comedy store    in my front yard,
live at the comedy store    he would come out
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    729
live at the comedy store    00:38:08,112 --> 00:38:10,239
live at the comedy store    and I'd be like, ugh,
live at the comedy store    here he comes.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    730
live at the comedy store    00:38:11,657 --> 00:38:13,451
live at the comedy store    Just hated him.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    731
live at the comedy store    00:38:13,493 --> 00:38:15,495
live at the comedy store    Hated him.
live at the comedy store    First person I ever hated.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    732
live at the comedy store    00:38:15,536 --> 00:38:16,788
live at the comedy store    Like, visceral hate.
live at the comedy store    He was-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    733
live at the comedy store    00:38:16,830 --> 00:38:21,083
live at the comedy store    To me, he was a piece of shit
live at the comedy store    cocksucker asshole.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    734
live at the comedy store    00:38:21,125 --> 00:38:22,418
live at the comedy store    That's what he was to me,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    735
live at the comedy store    00:38:22,460 --> 00:38:23,837
live at the comedy store    and I didn't even know
live at the comedy store    any of those words.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    736
live at the comedy store    00:38:23,879 --> 00:38:27,006
live at the comedy store    I just had that,
live at the comedy store    like, as a raw feeling
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    737
live at the comedy store    00:38:27,048 --> 00:38:29,550
live at the comedy store    with no way to say it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    738
live at the comedy store    00:38:29,592 --> 00:38:32,178
live at the comedy store    I was too young
live at the comedy store    for the feeling that I had,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    739
live at the comedy store    00:38:32,179 --> 00:38:32,720
live at the comedy store    and then somebody-
live at the comedy store    I heard somebody say
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    740
live at the comedy store    00:38:32,721 --> 00:38:35,264
live at the comedy store    "piece of shit cocksucker
asshole, I was like,"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    741
live at the comedy store    00:38:35,306 --> 00:38:36,516
live at the comedy store    that, yes, thank you.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    742
live at the comedy store    00:38:36,557 --> 00:38:39,393
live at the comedy store    That's what that-
live at the comedy store    Yes, that's how-Yes.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    743
live at the comedy store    00:38:43,022 --> 00:38:44,357
live at the comedy store    Anyway, one day
live at the comedy store    I was in my front yard
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    744
live at the comedy store    00:38:44,398 --> 00:38:46,442
live at the comedy store    and piece of shit Benjy
live at the comedy store    comes across.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    745
live at the comedy store    00:38:47,861 --> 00:38:51,405
live at the comedy store    And he says, "I got a new bike,"
live at the comedy store    or something like that.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    746
live at the comedy store    00:38:52,365 --> 00:38:55,535
live at the comedy store    And I was like, uh,
live at the comedy store    You're gonna die someday.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    747
live at the comedy store    00:38:59,831 --> 00:39:03,668
live at the comedy store    And he was like,
live at the comedy store    What? No, I'm not.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    748
live at the comedy store    00:39:03,703 --> 00:39:05,211
live at the comedy store    I said, "Yes, you are.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    749
live at the comedy store    00:39:05,253 --> 00:39:07,088
live at the comedy store    "Everybody dies.

750
00:39:07,129 --> 00:39:11,300
You're gonna die"
live at the comedy store    and your mom's gonna die
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    751
live at the comedy store    00:39:11,342 --> 00:39:13,511
live at the comedy store    "and your daddy's gonna die.

752
00:39:15,179 --> 00:39:16,179
In that order."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    753
live at the comedy store    00:39:19,893 --> 00:39:24,105
live at the comedy store    He was really upset
live at the comedy store    and he starts running.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    754
live at the comedy store    00:39:24,146 --> 00:39:25,439
live at the comedy store    It's still funny to me,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    755
live at the comedy store    00:39:25,481 --> 00:39:28,192
live at the comedy store    it still makes me laugh,
live at the comedy store    40 years later.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    756
live at the comedy store    00:39:28,234 --> 00:39:32,280
live at the comedy store    I can still see it so clearly
live at the comedy store    and it still makes me laugh.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    757
live at the comedy store    00:39:32,321 --> 00:39:34,407
live at the comedy store    Run, Benjy!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    758
live at the comedy store    00:39:35,491 --> 00:39:36,743
live at the comedy store    You can't run
live at the comedy store    from this shit, bitch.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    759
live at the comedy store    00:39:39,245 --> 00:39:41,330
live at the comedy store    It's gonna get you.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    760
live at the comedy store    00:39:43,416 --> 00:39:45,334
live at the comedy store    I wonder if he's dead.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    761
live at the comedy store    00:39:46,044 --> 00:39:47,044
live at the comedy store    Anyway.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    762
live at the comedy store    00:39:47,045 --> 00:39:49,923
live at the comedy store    So he came back with his mom,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    763
live at the comedy store    00:39:49,965 --> 00:39:52,759
live at the comedy store    his mom is so angry,
live at the comedy store    and then I was scared.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    764
live at the comedy store    00:39:52,801 --> 00:39:56,554
live at the comedy store    And his mom came over,
live at the comedy store    What did you say to him?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    765
live at the comedy store    00:39:56,596 --> 00:40:00,474
live at the comedy store    And I said, "I just told him
live at the comedy store    that everybody dies."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    766
live at the comedy store    00:40:00,516 --> 00:40:04,186
live at the comedy store    And she goes, "Well,
live at the comedy store    that's not necessarily true."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    767
live at the comedy store    00:40:05,856 --> 00:40:08,649
live at the comedy store    I was like, "What?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    768
live at the comedy store    00:40:08,691 --> 00:40:11,778
live at the comedy store    She says, "Well, some people
live at the comedy store    die, but not everybody does."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    769
live at the comedy store    00:40:13,864 --> 00:40:15,866
live at the comedy store    And I was so full of questions.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    770
live at the comedy store    00:40:15,907 --> 00:40:18,117
live at the comedy store    I was like, what about-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    771
live at the comedy store    00:40:18,159 --> 00:40:21,454
live at the comedy store    What about Abraham Lincoln and
live at the comedy store    George Washington, they're dead.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    772
live at the comedy store    00:40:21,495 --> 00:40:22,538
live at the comedy store    But she said, "Yeah,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    773
live at the comedy store    00:40:22,539 --> 00:40:23,039
live at the comedy store    "that's 'cause something
happened to them.

774
00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:25,083
George Washington"
live at the comedy store    didn't take care of himself
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    775
live at the comedy store    00:40:25,751 --> 00:40:26,751
live at the comedy store    "and Lincoln got shot,

776
00:40:26,752 --> 00:40:29,713
but there's a lot of people
alive from those days."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    777
live at the comedy store    00:40:29,755 --> 00:40:31,965
live at the comedy store    And I was like, really?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    778
live at the comedy store    00:40:32,007 --> 00:40:35,593
live at the comedy store    What about, like, Bible people?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    779
live at the comedy store    00:40:35,635 --> 00:40:38,220
live at the comedy store    And she's like, "Yeah, I-
live at the comedy store    We have to go."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    780
live at the comedy store    00:40:38,262 --> 00:40:40,098
live at the comedy store    And then she left,
live at the comedy store    'cause I think she realized,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    781
live at the comedy store    00:40:40,932 --> 00:40:41,932
live at the comedy store    this is only gonna get worse.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    782
live at the comedy store    00:40:41,933 --> 00:40:45,519
live at the comedy store    She's not on a good side
live at the comedy store    of this argument.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    783
live at the comedy store    00:40:49,048 --> 00:40:50,966
live at the comedy store    And then I went to my mom
live at the comedy store    and I told her the whole thing,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    784
live at the comedy store    00:40:51,008 --> 00:40:52,008
live at the comedy store    she's like, don't worry,
live at the comedy store    that lady's a fucking idiot,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    785
live at the comedy store    00:40:52,551 --> 00:40:53,802
live at the comedy store    don't listen to her.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    786
live at the comedy store    00:40:56,597 --> 00:41:00,017
live at the comedy store    My mom said, "Don't worry, baby,
live at the comedy store    you're definitely going to die."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    787
live at the comedy store    00:41:01,769 --> 00:41:02,895
live at the comedy store    Mm-hmm.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    788
live at the comedy store    00:41:03,687 --> 00:41:05,064
live at the comedy store    Mm-hmm.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    789
live at the comedy store    00:41:07,192 --> 00:41:10,027
live at the comedy store    People from the Bible.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    790
live at the comedy store    00:41:10,361 --> 00:41:11,488
live at the comedy store    I wonder if people in the Bible
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    791
live at the comedy store    00:41:11,529 --> 00:41:14,080
live at the comedy store    knew they were gonna be
live at the comedy store    in the Bible.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    792
live at the comedy store    00:41:14,115 --> 00:41:17,494
live at the comedy store    Like, "You guys, this is totally
live at the comedy store    gonna be in the Bible.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    793
live at the comedy store    00:41:17,535 --> 00:41:19,245
live at the comedy store    "This is totally-You guys,

794
00:41:19,287 --> 00:41:22,748
we're gonna get in the Bible,"
live at the comedy store    everybody.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    795
live at the comedy store    00:41:23,374 --> 00:41:27,586
live at the comedy store    I gotta get my roots done
live at the comedy store    so I look good for the Bible."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    796
live at the comedy store    00:41:33,551 --> 00:41:35,553
live at the comedy store    Yeah, my dog died recently.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    797
live at the comedy store    00:41:36,595 --> 00:41:38,013
live at the comedy store    I had to tell the kids
live at the comedy store    that the dog is dead.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    798
live at the comedy store    00:41:38,055 --> 00:41:40,849
live at the comedy store    That's a tough thing, telling
live at the comedy store    your kids that the dog died.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    799
live at the comedy store    00:41:40,891 --> 00:41:42,102
live at the comedy store    You gotta tell 'em
live at the comedy store    at some point.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    800
live at the comedy store    00:41:42,143 --> 00:41:46,814
live at the comedy store    You can't just keep going,
live at the comedy store    What? No, he's-Where'd he go?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    801
live at the comedy store    00:41:47,315 --> 00:41:50,443
live at the comedy store    Oh, look, there he goes.
live at the comedy store    I don't know, he's-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    802
live at the comedy store    00:41:50,485 --> 00:41:52,570
live at the comedy store    That little scamp.
live at the comedy store    There he goes, go get 'em.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    803
live at the comedy store    00:41:53,612 --> 00:41:54,905
live at the comedy store    Go get 'em!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    804
live at the comedy store    00:41:57,616 --> 00:42:00,035
live at the comedy store    Told my kids the dog died
live at the comedy store    and we dealt with it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    805
live at the comedy store    00:42:00,036 --> 00:42:00,160
live at the comedy store    And I was proud of them
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    806
live at the comedy store    00:42:00,161 --> 00:42:02,746
live at the comedy store    how they expressed
live at the comedy store    their feelings about it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    807
live at the comedy store    00:42:02,747 --> 00:42:03,205
live at the comedy store    They cried.
live at the comedy store    I was proud of them
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    808
live at the comedy store    00:42:03,206 --> 00:42:04,332
live at the comedy store    how they dealt
live at the comedy store    with their feelings
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    809
live at the comedy store    00:42:04,374 --> 00:42:06,543
live at the comedy store    and what they said about
live at the comedy store    it and how they processed it
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    810
live at the comedy store    00:42:06,584 --> 00:42:08,961
live at the comedy store    and I realized, this was
live at the comedy store    a positive thing.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    811
live at the comedy store    00:42:09,002 --> 00:42:10,002
live at the comedy store    That's how you start thinking
live at the comedy store    as a parent,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    812
live at the comedy store    00:42:10,629 --> 00:42:12,840
live at the comedy store    a lot of things you don't think
live at the comedy store    would be positive really are,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    813
live at the comedy store    00:42:12,881 --> 00:42:15,968
live at the comedy store    'cause-'cause a dog dying
live at the comedy store    is an opportunity
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    814
live at the comedy store    00:42:16,009 --> 00:42:17,719
live at the comedy store    to deal with death
live at the comedy store    with your kids.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    815
live at the comedy store    00:42:17,761 --> 00:42:19,847
live at the comedy store    It's like a dry run for Grandma.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    816
live at the comedy store    00:42:21,014 --> 00:42:23,016
live at the comedy store    It is, it is.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    817
live at the comedy store    00:42:23,309 --> 00:42:26,645
live at the comedy store    Dog dies, you talk about it,
live at the comedy store    you deal with it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    818
live at the comedy store    00:42:26,687 --> 00:42:28,814
live at the comedy store    Later on, you go, so, you know
live at the comedy store    all that stuff we talked about?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    819
live at the comedy store    00:42:28,815 --> 00:42:29,356
live at the comedy store    About the dog?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    820
live at the comedy store    00:42:29,357 --> 00:42:31,442
live at the comedy store    Yeah, so, Grandma now.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    821
live at the comedy store    00:42:34,571 --> 00:42:36,738
live at the comedy store    Mm-hmm.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    822
live at the comedy store    00:42:37,990 --> 00:42:39,867
live at the comedy store    All the same stuff.
live at the comedy store    That's right.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    823
live at the comedy store    00:42:40,701 --> 00:42:41,701
live at the comedy store    All right, go brush your teeth.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    824
live at the comedy store    00:42:46,416 --> 00:42:48,667
live at the comedy store    I had a dog when I was a kid
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    825
live at the comedy store    00:42:48,709 --> 00:42:51,795
live at the comedy store    and he hated me,
live at the comedy store    and it really hurt.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    826
live at the comedy store    00:42:51,837 --> 00:42:53,506
live at the comedy store    It's a true story,
live at the comedy store    my dog hated me and I-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    827
live at the comedy store    00:42:53,548 --> 00:42:55,508
live at the comedy store    I wanted a dog so bad,
live at the comedy store    I was, like, ten years old,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    828
live at the comedy store    00:42:55,550 --> 00:42:57,385
live at the comedy store    I used to beg my mother
live at the comedy store    for a dog
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    829
live at the comedy store    00:42:57,427 --> 00:43:00,012
live at the comedy store    and she just would say,
live at the comedy store    like, you had one
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    830
live at the comedy store    00:43:00,053 --> 00:43:01,472
live at the comedy store    when you were a baby
live at the comedy store    and it died, it's fine.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    831
live at the comedy store    00:43:01,514 --> 00:43:03,516
live at the comedy store    But finally, she said,
live at the comedy store    you can have a dog
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    832
live at the comedy store    00:43:03,558 --> 00:43:05,435
live at the comedy store    if you keep your room clean
live at the comedy store    for a month.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    833
live at the comedy store    00:43:05,476 --> 00:43:08,687
live at the comedy store    And I was so excited, 'cause
live at the comedy store    I was, like, I'm getting a dog.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    834
live at the comedy store    00:43:08,688 --> 00:43:09,354
live at the comedy store    I told all my friends,
live at the comedy store    I'm gonna get a dog.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    835
live at the comedy store    00:43:09,355 --> 00:43:11,566
live at the comedy store    All I have to do is keep my room
live at the comedy store    clean for a month.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    836
live at the comedy store    00:43:11,608 --> 00:43:14,611
live at the comedy store    I lasted about a week
live at the comedy store    and it just went to shit.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    837
live at the comedy store    00:43:14,652 --> 00:43:17,988
live at the comedy store    I couldn't do it and then
live at the comedy store    I tried, like, three, four days,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    838
live at the comedy store    00:43:17,989 --> 00:43:18,238
live at the comedy store    I couldn't do it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    839
live at the comedy store    00:43:18,239 --> 00:43:20,824
live at the comedy store    And I got so depressed.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    840
live at the comedy store    00:43:20,866 --> 00:43:22,701
live at the comedy store    I was like, I'm ten
live at the comedy store    and I already know
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    841
live at the comedy store    00:43:22,743 --> 00:43:26,331
live at the comedy store    my life is gonna be shit
live at the comedy store    'cause I can't do anything.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    842
live at the comedy store    00:43:27,290 --> 00:43:29,125
live at the comedy store    And finally, my mom
live at the comedy store    was like, just-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    843
live at the comedy store    00:43:29,167 --> 00:43:32,836
live at the comedy store    We'll get the dog, you're
live at the comedy store    bumming everybody out.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    844
live at the comedy store    00:43:33,921 --> 00:43:35,131
live at the comedy store    So she got us a dog.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    845
live at the comedy store    00:43:35,173 --> 00:43:37,675
live at the comedy store    And the dog looked at me
live at the comedy store    and he hated me, on sight.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    846
live at the comedy store    00:43:38,717 --> 00:43:40,261
live at the comedy store    And I worked hard
live at the comedy store    to take care of this dog.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    847
live at the comedy store    00:43:40,303 --> 00:43:43,847
live at the comedy store    I was kind to him and he
live at the comedy store    still hated me, which hurt.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    848
live at the comedy store    00:43:43,848 --> 00:43:44,181
live at the comedy store    That's why it hurt.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    849
live at the comedy store    00:43:44,182 --> 00:43:47,393
live at the comedy store    'Cause he must've just hated,
live at the comedy store    like, who I am inside.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    850
live at the comedy store    00:43:49,728 --> 00:43:51,189
live at the comedy store    He-You could tell how he felt,
live at the comedy store    'cause he was very expressive.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    851
live at the comedy store    00:43:51,231 --> 00:43:54,150
live at the comedy store    He was a terrier, you know,
live at the comedy store    so he had eyebrows.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    852
live at the comedy store    00:43:54,192 --> 00:43:55,652
live at the comedy store    Like, I'd walk in the room
live at the comedy store    and he'd go, like,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    853
live at the comedy store    00:43:55,693 --> 00:43:57,778
live at the comedy store    oh, fuck, I can't.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    854
live at the comedy store    00:43:57,819 --> 00:43:58,819
live at the comedy store    And he would just leave!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    855
live at the comedy store    00:44:03,660 --> 00:44:05,411
live at the comedy store    I would take him for a walk
live at the comedy store    and I had to use a leash
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    856
live at the comedy store    00:44:05,453 --> 00:44:07,330
live at the comedy store    and I didn't want
live at the comedy store    to use a leash.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    857
live at the comedy store    00:44:07,372 --> 00:44:10,791
live at the comedy store    I wanted to be one of those
live at the comedy store    cool guys with a dog
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    858
live at the comedy store    00:44:10,832 --> 00:44:12,960
live at the comedy store    that just comes along,
live at the comedy store    you know one of those guys.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    859
live at the comedy store    00:44:13,001 --> 00:44:15,421
live at the comedy store    He's always got, like, a suede
live at the comedy store    jacket with patches in it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    860
live at the comedy store    00:44:15,463 --> 00:44:19,007
live at the comedy store    And, like, scratchy hair,
live at the comedy store    he's like, hey.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    861
live at the comedy store    00:44:19,049 --> 00:44:20,385
live at the comedy store    And he gets in his old pickup
live at the comedy store    and he's like, come on, dog.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    862
live at the comedy store    00:44:20,426 --> 00:44:21,469
live at the comedy store    He goes, like-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    863
live at the comedy store    00:44:21,511 --> 00:44:23,513
live at the comedy store    You know those guys that can
live at the comedy store    whistle that cool whistle?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    864
live at the comedy store    00:44:23,554 --> 00:44:25,265
live at the comedy store    Whatever.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    865
live at the comedy store    00:44:25,306 --> 00:44:27,933
live at the comedy store    Whew!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    866
live at the comedy store    00:44:27,975 --> 00:44:30,728
live at the comedy store    And the dog jumps in the back
live at the comedy store    and they both get laid somewhere
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    867
live at the comedy store    00:44:31,770 --> 00:44:33,855
live at the comedy store    because they're both so cool.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    868
live at the comedy store    00:44:33,897 --> 00:44:34,897
live at the comedy store    That's what I wanted.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    869
live at the comedy store    00:44:39,195 --> 00:44:41,614
live at the comedy store    But my dog, we'd go for a walk
live at the comedy store    and the leash was, like, taut,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    870
live at the comedy store    00:44:41,656 --> 00:44:44,950
live at the comedy store    like this, it wasn't even like,
live at the comedy store    yeah, we're friends.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    871
live at the comedy store    00:44:44,992 --> 00:44:48,204
live at the comedy store    It was like, how far from
live at the comedy store    this kid can I get my face?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    872
live at the comedy store    00:44:48,246 --> 00:44:50,290
live at the comedy store    He would be choking himself
live at the comedy store    the whole-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    873
live at the comedy store    00:44:50,331 --> 00:44:53,917
live at the comedy store    "I hate you!

874
00:44:53,959 --> 00:44:55,961
I hate you!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    875
live at the comedy store    00:44:59,047 --> 00:45:00,383
live at the comedy store    And if I ever, like, slipped
live at the comedy store    and dropped the leash, he-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    876
live at the comedy store    00:45:00,425 --> 00:45:03,219
live at the comedy store    He was like, I'm not your dog.
live at the comedy store    He would just run.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    877
live at the comedy store    00:45:03,261 --> 00:45:07,055
live at the comedy store    He would run like a slave,
live at the comedy store    he would just take off.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    878
live at the comedy store    00:45:11,269 --> 00:45:14,855
live at the comedy store    That's how he ran.
live at the comedy store    It's an apt description.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    879
live at the comedy store    00:45:15,189 --> 00:45:16,274
live at the comedy store    That's how he ran.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    880
live at the comedy store    00:45:16,316 --> 00:45:18,401
live at the comedy store    He didn't run like a deer.
live at the comedy store    This is how a deer...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    881
live at the comedy store    00:45:18,443 --> 00:45:21,069
live at the comedy store    He ran like this.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    882
live at the comedy store    00:45:28,060 --> 00:45:29,645
live at the comedy store    He ran away so many times
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    883
live at the comedy store    00:45:29,687 --> 00:45:30,938
live at the comedy store    and then we'd get a call
live at the comedy store    from the pound.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    884
live at the comedy store    00:45:30,980 --> 00:45:32,488
live at the comedy store    Hi, we have your dog.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    885
live at the comedy store    00:45:32,523 --> 00:45:33,941
live at the comedy store    And you could hear my dog
live at the comedy store    in the background,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    886
live at the comedy store    00:45:33,983 --> 00:45:35,568
live at the comedy store    like, "Don't-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    887
live at the comedy store    00:45:38,361 --> 00:45:39,361
live at the comedy store    "Seriously?

888
00:45:39,989 --> 00:45:41,615
I told you I don't wanna..."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    889
live at the comedy store    00:45:44,660 --> 00:45:47,163
live at the comedy store    I've never been
live at the comedy store    a big animal person.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    890
live at the comedy store    00:45:47,204 --> 00:45:48,748
live at the comedy store    Some animals I hate.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    891
live at the comedy store    00:45:48,789 --> 00:45:53,293
live at the comedy store    Uh, bats, I think bats
live at the comedy store    are just disgusting.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    892
live at the comedy store    00:45:53,294 --> 00:45:53,918
live at the comedy store    I hate bats.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    893
live at the comedy store    00:45:53,919 --> 00:45:57,173
live at the comedy store    I hate-It's a rat
live at the comedy store    with leather wings.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    894
live at the comedy store    00:45:57,214 --> 00:46:00,341
live at the comedy store    You ever seen one and
live at the comedy store    they, like, look around?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    895
live at the comedy store    00:46:00,342 --> 00:46:01,050
live at the comedy store    It's like, somebody, you know?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    896
live at the comedy store    00:46:01,051 --> 00:46:02,553
live at the comedy store    They have a face.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    897
live at the comedy store    00:46:02,595 --> 00:46:04,221
live at the comedy store    It's disgusting.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    898
live at the comedy store    00:46:04,889 --> 00:46:05,889
live at the comedy store    I hate bats.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    899
live at the comedy store    00:46:05,890 --> 00:46:08,391
live at the comedy store    And I'm sure there's
live at the comedy store    a whole thing of-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    900
live at the comedy store    00:46:08,392 --> 00:46:09,225
live at the comedy store    Oh, did you know that bats
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    901
live at the comedy store    00:46:09,226 --> 00:46:13,313
live at the comedy store    make all the French toast
live at the comedy store    in the world, or whatever?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    902
live at the comedy store    00:46:14,481 --> 00:46:15,481
live at the comedy store    I don't care.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    903
live at the comedy store    00:46:17,860 --> 00:46:20,278
live at the comedy store    I hate them.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    904
live at the comedy store    00:46:24,116 --> 00:46:27,410
live at the comedy store    I had a bad bat experience.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    905
live at the comedy store    00:46:29,622 --> 00:46:31,165
live at the comedy store    This summer, I was, uh-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    906
live at the comedy store    00:46:31,207 --> 00:46:32,541
live at the comedy store    We rented a house this summer,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    907
live at the comedy store    00:46:32,583 --> 00:46:35,335
live at the comedy store    I got a house for me
live at the comedy store    and the kids.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    908
live at the comedy store    00:46:35,376 --> 00:46:37,462
live at the comedy store    My ex wife and I-
live at the comedy store    We share custody of the kids,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    909
live at the comedy store    00:46:37,463 --> 00:46:37,712
live at the comedy store    and so this summer, I had half-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    910
live at the comedy store    00:46:37,713 --> 00:46:39,215
live at the comedy store    One month they go with her,
live at the comedy store    one month with me,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    911
live at the comedy store    00:46:39,256 --> 00:46:40,716
live at the comedy store    so I got a nice house
live at the comedy store    in the country
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    912
live at the comedy store    00:46:40,758 --> 00:46:42,176
live at the comedy store    and it was beautiful,
live at the comedy store    the kids loved it,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    913
live at the comedy store    00:46:42,218 --> 00:46:45,221
live at the comedy store    but the kids go to sleep
live at the comedy store    at, you know, 8:00 at night.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    914
live at the comedy store    00:46:45,262 --> 00:46:48,724
live at the comedy store    So I'm just laying awake,
live at the comedy store    terrified.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    915
live at the comedy store    00:46:48,766 --> 00:46:50,267
live at the comedy store    Terrified.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    916
live at the comedy store    00:46:50,643 --> 00:46:51,643
live at the comedy store    I'm so scared in the country,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    917
live at the comedy store    00:46:51,644 --> 00:46:54,647
live at the comedy store    'cause it's just quiet
live at the comedy store    and it's just mystery.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    918
live at the comedy store    00:46:54,688 --> 00:46:57,191
live at the comedy store    And trees and darkness.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    919
live at the comedy store    00:46:57,233 --> 00:46:59,777
live at the comedy store    I live in New York City,
live at the comedy store    I feel perfectly safe there.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    920
live at the comedy store    00:46:59,819 --> 00:47:04,657
live at the comedy store    I'm surrounded by murderers
live at the comedy store    and child molesters and Jews.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    921
live at the comedy store    00:47:04,698 --> 00:47:07,408
live at the comedy store    Sorry.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    922
live at the comedy store    00:47:07,409 --> 00:47:07,784
live at the comedy store    I mean, there are,
live at the comedy store    there are a lot.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    923
live at the comedy store    00:47:07,785 --> 00:47:09,703
live at the comedy store    There's a bunch of those, but...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    924
live at the comedy store    00:47:09,745 --> 00:47:11,205
live at the comedy store    So...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    925
live at the comedy store    00:47:13,331 --> 00:47:15,416
live at the comedy store    So one night, I'm in the country
live at the comedy store    house and I'm just laying-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    926
live at the comedy store    00:47:15,458 --> 00:47:17,545
live at the comedy store    just laying awake, just begging
live at the comedy store    for the fucking sun to come up
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    927
live at the comedy store    00:47:17,586 --> 00:47:21,090
live at the comedy store    so I can sleep through my days
live at the comedy store    with the kids.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    928
live at the comedy store    00:47:23,843 --> 00:47:25,261
live at the comedy store    And I'm laying awake and I'm-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    929
live at the comedy store    00:47:25,302 --> 00:47:27,012
live at the comedy store    My bedroom's
live at the comedy store    above the kitchen and I-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    930
live at the comedy store    00:47:27,054 --> 00:47:28,097
live at the comedy store    Suddenly I hear this-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    931
live at the comedy store    00:47:28,138 --> 00:47:29,890
live at the comedy store    I swear to God, I heard
live at the comedy store    this sound, I heard...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    932
live at the comedy store    00:47:33,978 --> 00:47:36,105
live at the comedy store    I heard that,
live at the comedy store    like, clear as a bell.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    933
live at the comedy store    00:47:36,146 --> 00:47:37,898
live at the comedy store    And immediately,
live at the comedy store    my heart is pounding.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    934
live at the comedy store    00:47:37,940 --> 00:47:40,109
live at the comedy store    I'm like, I'm going to have
live at the comedy store    a heart attack right now,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    935
live at the comedy store    00:47:40,150 --> 00:47:43,612
live at the comedy store    because there is a witch
live at the comedy store    in the kitchen.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    936
live at the comedy store    00:47:43,654 --> 00:47:45,281
live at the comedy store    First of all, there are witches.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    937
live at the comedy store    00:47:45,322 --> 00:47:48,075
live at the comedy store    I have no doubt, in that moment,
live at the comedy store    there's witches.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    938
live at the comedy store    00:47:48,117 --> 00:47:49,994
live at the comedy store    That's how easy it was
live at the comedy store    to flip me over.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    939
live at the comedy store    00:47:50,035 --> 00:47:52,453
live at the comedy store    There are witches.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    940
live at the comedy store    00:47:54,206 --> 00:47:57,501
live at the comedy store    And there's one in the kitchen,
live at the comedy store    and I gotta go down there.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    941
live at the comedy store    00:47:57,543 --> 00:47:59,920
live at the comedy store    I gotta-I can't just, eh,
live at the comedy store    she'll get-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    942
live at the comedy store    00:47:59,955 --> 00:48:02,298
live at the comedy store    They like kids,
live at the comedy store    she'll get the kids.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    943
live at the comedy store    00:48:03,048 --> 00:48:05,885
live at the comedy store    So I go downstairs,
live at the comedy store    I'm terr-Terrified.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    944
live at the comedy store    00:48:05,926 --> 00:48:08,386
live at the comedy store    And I'm standing
live at the comedy store    outside the kitchen door
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    945
live at the comedy store    00:48:08,428 --> 00:48:09,930
live at the comedy store    like this, for like, an hour.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    946
live at the comedy store    00:48:09,972 --> 00:48:13,809
live at the comedy store    Too scared to go in, until
live at the comedy store    a little bit of logic seeped in
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    947
live at the comedy store    00:48:13,851 --> 00:48:16,228
live at the comedy store    and told me, even if
live at the comedy store    there is a witch in there,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    948
live at the comedy store    00:48:16,270 --> 00:48:17,646
live at the comedy store    she wouldn't just make a noise
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    949
live at the comedy store    00:48:17,688 --> 00:48:20,107
live at the comedy store    and then just stand there
live at the comedy store    for, like, an hour.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    950
live at the comedy store    00:48:21,817 --> 00:48:24,493
live at the comedy store    So I go in, there's
live at the comedy store    nobody in the kitchen.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    951
live at the comedy store    00:48:24,528 --> 00:48:28,365
live at the comedy store    And then I hear the noise again,
live at the comedy store    and it was the dishwasher.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    952
live at the comedy store    00:48:29,407 --> 00:48:31,660
live at the comedy store    The dishwasher has weird tubes
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    953
live at the comedy store    00:48:31,702 --> 00:48:34,246
live at the comedy store    and when the soap goes
live at the comedy store    through 'em, it's kind of vocal,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    954
live at the comedy store    00:48:34,288 --> 00:48:35,915
live at the comedy store    I don't know why, but it goes...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    955
live at the comedy store    00:48:37,708 --> 00:48:41,503
live at the comedy store    It was the weirdest thing,
live at the comedy store    to watch my dishwasher do it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    956
live at the comedy store    00:48:41,545 --> 00:48:43,923
live at the comedy store    I was like, all right,
live at the comedy store    it's cool.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    957
live at the comedy store    00:48:43,964 --> 00:48:45,966
live at the comedy store    I'm fine, there's no witches.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    958
live at the comedy store    00:48:47,259 --> 00:48:48,802
live at the comedy store    I'm about to go upstairs,
live at the comedy store    and a-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    959
live at the comedy store    00:48:48,844 --> 00:48:52,556
live at the comedy store    And a bat, a fucking asshole bat
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    960
live at the comedy store    00:48:52,598 --> 00:48:54,481
live at the comedy store    picked that moment-
live at the comedy store    He's like, ha ha!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    961
live at the comedy store    00:48:54,516 --> 00:48:57,728
live at the comedy store    And he just flew right-
live at the comedy store    right by my head, like this,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    962
live at the comedy store    00:48:57,770 --> 00:48:59,104
live at the comedy store    and I just-I went, "Aaah!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    963
live at the comedy store    00:48:59,146 --> 00:49:01,774
live at the comedy store    And I just fell on the floor.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    964
live at the comedy store    00:49:01,815 --> 00:49:03,400
live at the comedy store    Aaah!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    965
live at the comedy store    00:49:04,860 --> 00:49:07,613
live at the comedy store    And I immediately,
live at the comedy store    I crawl into the closet,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    966
live at the comedy store    00:49:07,655 --> 00:49:10,866
live at the comedy store    I closed the door and
live at the comedy store    I called 911 right away.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    967
live at the comedy store    00:49:14,078 --> 00:49:15,078
live at the comedy store    I don't know if you've
live at the comedy store    ever called 911
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    968
live at the comedy store    00:49:15,079 --> 00:49:16,330
live at the comedy store    and you don't realize
live at the comedy store    until they answer
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    969
live at the comedy store    00:49:16,372 --> 00:49:18,540
live at the comedy store    how you shouldn't be
live at the comedy store    calling 911?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    970
live at the comedy store    00:49:20,084 --> 00:49:21,961
live at the comedy store    911, tell us your emergency.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    971
live at the comedy store    00:49:22,002 --> 00:49:25,839
live at the comedy store    "I-I'm sorry, I'm very sorry
to be bothering you.

972
00:49:25,881 --> 00:49:27,633
This doesn't qualify."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    973
live at the comedy store    00:49:29,259 --> 00:49:30,552
live at the comedy store    The lady's like,
live at the comedy store    Sir, what's the problem?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    974
live at the comedy store    00:49:30,594 --> 00:49:34,472
live at the comedy store    I said, "There's a bat
live at the comedy store    in my house.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    975
live at the comedy store    00:49:34,507 --> 00:49:35,507
live at the comedy store    And I don't like it."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    976
live at the comedy store    00:49:38,978 --> 00:49:41,605
live at the comedy store    But she was nice to me,
live at the comedy store    'cause it's country 911.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    977
live at the comedy store    00:49:42,606 --> 00:49:44,149
live at the comedy store    If you call 911
live at the comedy store    in New York City,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    978
live at the comedy store    00:49:44,191 --> 00:49:45,234
live at the comedy store    there's a bat in my house!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    979
live at the comedy store    00:49:45,275 --> 00:49:46,777
live at the comedy store    They'll be like, "Sir,
live at the comedy store    we'll send a car right over
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    980
live at the comedy store    00:49:46,819 --> 00:49:48,320
live at the comedy store    to shoot you in the face."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    981
live at the comedy store    00:49:51,365 --> 00:49:54,201
live at the comedy store    But she was nice, she's like,
live at the comedy store    "Sir, we understand,

982
00:49:54,243 --> 00:49:56,537
you're divorced,"
live at the comedy store    you're overcompensating
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    983
live at the comedy store    00:49:56,578 --> 00:49:58,080
live at the comedy store    "with the country house.

984
00:49:58,122 --> 00:49:59,832
You're in over your head."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    985
live at the comedy store    00:50:02,001 --> 00:50:03,627
live at the comedy store    She said, call this guy,
live at the comedy store    she gave me a number,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    986
live at the comedy store    00:50:03,669 --> 00:50:07,006
live at the comedy store    she said, call this guy, he's
live at the comedy store    a guy who takes care of bats.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    987
live at the comedy store    00:50:07,047 --> 00:50:10,718
live at the comedy store    He's a man who's, uh-
live at the comedy store    bats are his focus.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    988
live at the comedy store    00:50:10,759 --> 00:50:14,471
live at the comedy store    I felt like she was doing a lot
live at the comedy store    of work to not say "bat man."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    989
live at the comedy store    00:50:14,513 --> 00:50:17,766
live at the comedy store    Like she was kind of
live at the comedy store    going around...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    990
live at the comedy store    00:50:17,808 --> 00:50:21,186
live at the comedy store    "He's a male human
who bats are his...

991
00:50:21,228 --> 00:50:23,439
I'm not gonna say bat-
I don't wanna say it."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    992
live at the comedy store    00:50:25,899 --> 00:50:27,818
live at the comedy store    So I called the bat man...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    993
live at the comedy store    00:50:29,778 --> 00:50:30,821
live at the comedy store    ...and he comes over
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    994
live at the comedy store    00:50:30,863 --> 00:50:33,240
live at the comedy store    and I'm in the closet looking
live at the comedy store    through the crack, at-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    995
live at the comedy store    00:50:33,282 --> 00:50:34,992
live at the comedy store    The bat is on the ceiling,
live at the comedy store    hanging upside down,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    996
live at the comedy store    00:50:35,034 --> 00:50:36,535
live at the comedy store    he's just looking around.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    997
live at the comedy store    00:50:38,996 --> 00:50:41,582
live at the comedy store    The most disgusting thing.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    998
live at the comedy store    00:50:41,623 --> 00:50:44,043
live at the comedy store    And so finally, there's
live at the comedy store    a knock at my door and I go,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    999
live at the comedy store    00:50:44,084 --> 00:50:48,547
live at the comedy store    I crawl to the door and
live at the comedy store    I open it and he's like, hello.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1000
live at the comedy store    00:50:48,589 --> 00:50:50,841
live at the comedy store    And he says, "Where's the bat?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1001
live at the comedy store    00:50:50,883 --> 00:50:53,093
live at the comedy store    And I'm like, "Ehhh..."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1002
live at the comedy store    00:50:55,220 --> 00:50:58,098
live at the comedy store    So the guy walks over
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1003
live at the comedy store    00:50:58,140 --> 00:51:00,809
live at the comedy store    and he just takes the bat.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1004
live at the comedy store    00:51:04,313 --> 00:51:05,355
live at the comedy store    That's it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1005
live at the comedy store    00:51:06,398 --> 00:51:07,983
live at the comedy store    He just took it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1006
live at the comedy store    00:51:09,902 --> 00:51:11,236
live at the comedy store    He's like, all right?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1007
live at the comedy store    00:51:12,821 --> 00:51:14,573
live at the comedy store    Yeah, you pretty much nailed it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1008
live at the comedy store    00:51:15,908 --> 00:51:17,409
live at the comedy store    That's amazing.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1009
live at the comedy store    00:51:18,660 --> 00:51:19,995
live at the comedy store    It's like I called somebody
live at the comedy store    and said, "Help,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1010
live at the comedy store    00:51:20,037 --> 00:51:22,664
live at the comedy store    there's a box of tissues
live at the comedy store    on my table!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1011
live at the comedy store    00:51:28,003 --> 00:51:29,838
live at the comedy store    Oh, thank goodness.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1012
live at the comedy store    00:51:31,340 --> 00:51:33,801
live at the comedy store    What a relief, to have
live at the comedy store    a man in the house.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1013
live at the comedy store    00:51:38,830 --> 00:51:39,916
live at the comedy store    Would you like some sweet tea?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1014
live at the comedy store    00:51:42,417 --> 00:51:45,295
live at the comedy store    I wasn't expecting company.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1015
live at the comedy store    00:51:45,337 --> 00:51:48,423
live at the comedy store    Ooh, my robe fell open.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1016
live at the comedy store    00:51:48,465 --> 00:51:50,509
live at the comedy store    He saw my breasts.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1017
live at the comedy store    00:51:50,968 --> 00:51:51,968
live at the comedy store    Ooh.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1018
live at the comedy store    00:51:51,969 --> 00:51:53,930
live at the comedy store    What do we do now?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1019
live at the comedy store    00:51:56,097 --> 00:51:57,097
live at the comedy store    Mr. bat man?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1020
live at the comedy store    00:52:02,270 --> 00:52:05,857
live at the comedy store    You know, I'm kind of grateful
live at the comedy store    to that bat now,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1021
live at the comedy store    00:52:05,899 --> 00:52:08,109
live at the comedy store    now that you're going
live at the comedy store    to fuck me.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1022
live at the comedy store    00:52:14,032 --> 00:52:15,534
live at the comedy store    You're not?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1023
live at the comedy store    00:52:17,869 --> 00:52:20,038
live at the comedy store    Well, all right,
live at the comedy store    you can go, then.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1024
live at the comedy store    00:52:20,789 --> 00:52:22,457
live at the comedy store    I can't-
live at the comedy store    I can't get out of it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1025
live at the comedy store    00:52:23,625 --> 00:52:24,668
live at the comedy store    I'm sorry.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1026
live at the comedy store    00:52:28,380 --> 00:52:31,132
live at the comedy store    I just like to keep doing that
live at the comedy store    'til the laughter stops.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1027
live at the comedy store    00:52:32,509 --> 00:52:34,511
live at the comedy store    Fuck, he's really-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1028
live at the comedy store    00:52:34,553 --> 00:52:36,388
live at the comedy store    This is getting upsetting.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1029
live at the comedy store    00:52:36,429 --> 00:52:39,266
live at the comedy store    What if I just did that
live at the comedy store    for, like, 40 minutes?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1030
live at the comedy store    00:52:39,307 --> 00:52:40,809
live at the comedy store    Well, if you weren't
live at the comedy store    gonna help me,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1031
live at the comedy store    00:52:40,850 --> 00:52:42,435
live at the comedy store    then why did you come over?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1032
live at the comedy store    00:52:45,230 --> 00:52:48,567
live at the comedy store    I'm alone here all day and I
live at the comedy store    hardly can handle it anymore.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1033
live at the comedy store    00:52:50,735 --> 00:52:52,696
live at the comedy store    All right, all right.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1034
live at the comedy store    00:52:52,737 --> 00:52:53,780
live at the comedy store    So...
live at the comedy store    No, no.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1035
live at the comedy store    00:52:53,822 --> 00:52:55,323
live at the comedy store    No, don't do that.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1036
live at the comedy store    00:52:55,365 --> 00:52:56,658
live at the comedy store    Don't do that.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1037
live at the comedy store    00:52:58,911 --> 00:53:00,037
live at the comedy store    I was, um...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1038
live at the comedy store    00:53:01,079 --> 00:53:02,999
live at the comedy store    I was in New York one time,
live at the comedy store    I was on the subway platform
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1039
live at the comedy store    00:53:03,040 --> 00:53:08,378
live at the comedy store    and I saw two rats, uh,
live at the comedy store    and they were fucking.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1040
live at the comedy store    00:53:08,420 --> 00:53:12,257
live at the comedy store    And I never saw that before.
live at the comedy store    I'm like, oh, shit.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1041
live at the comedy store    00:53:12,299 --> 00:53:14,551
live at the comedy store    There's two rats
live at the comedy store    fucking right there.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1042
live at the comedy store    00:53:14,593 --> 00:53:19,764
live at the comedy store    And so I watched 'em, um,
live at the comedy store    'cause you can watch rats fuck.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1043
live at the comedy store    00:53:19,806 --> 00:53:21,017
live at the comedy store    It's not a big deal.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1044
live at the comedy store    00:53:21,058 --> 00:53:23,685
live at the comedy store    You don't have to go, like...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1045
live at the comedy store    00:53:31,192 --> 00:53:33,278
live at the comedy store    You can really just
live at the comedy store    totally just watch 'em.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1046
live at the comedy store    00:53:34,947 --> 00:53:38,116
live at the comedy store    Hmm, I see.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1047
live at the comedy store    00:53:39,117 --> 00:53:41,453
live at the comedy store    Anyway, I'm watching 'em,
live at the comedy store    I'm just curious.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1048
live at the comedy store    00:53:41,494 --> 00:53:44,623
live at the comedy store    I mean, it wasn't...
live at the comedy store    surprising how they do it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1049
live at the comedy store    00:53:44,664 --> 00:53:47,292
live at the comedy store    It's not like she's on top
live at the comedy store    going, mmm.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1050
live at the comedy store    00:53:48,752 --> 00:53:49,752
live at the comedy store    Mmm.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1051
live at the comedy store    00:53:53,256 --> 00:53:55,092
live at the comedy store    Mmm, mmm, mm.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1052
live at the comedy store    00:53:56,134 --> 00:53:57,469
live at the comedy store    Thank you.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1053
live at the comedy store    00:53:57,510 --> 00:54:00,430
live at the comedy store    I love it, I love it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1054
live at the comedy store    00:54:00,472 --> 00:54:01,806
live at the comedy store    Ooh!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1055
live at the comedy store    00:54:01,848 --> 00:54:03,892
live at the comedy store    I think this is a Japanese rat
live at the comedy store    I'm doing, I don't know.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1056
live at the comedy store    00:54:03,927 --> 00:54:08,229
live at the comedy store    "Ooh, it's so good to fuck you!

1057
00:54:08,271 --> 00:54:11,775
Ohh! Come on, Ricky,
do me!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1058
live at the comedy store    00:54:11,816 --> 00:54:13,485
live at the comedy store    I don't know, all right.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1059
live at the comedy store    00:54:14,319 --> 00:54:17,739
live at the comedy store    Anyway, it wasn't
live at the comedy store    anything like that.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1060
live at the comedy store    00:54:19,407 --> 00:54:21,242
live at the comedy store    It was a pretty standard
live at the comedy store    rat fuck.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1061
live at the comedy store    00:54:22,327 --> 00:54:25,163
live at the comedy store    Just, he's on top,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1062
live at the comedy store    00:54:25,205 --> 00:54:27,582
live at the comedy store    kinda smushing her
live at the comedy store    into the pavement
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1063
live at the comedy store    00:54:27,624 --> 00:54:28,624
live at the comedy store    and she's like...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1064
live at the comedy store    00:54:32,420 --> 00:54:35,548
live at the comedy store    And I'm watching 'em, just-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1065
live at the comedy store    00:54:35,549 --> 00:54:36,091
live at the comedy store    I mean, I didn't, like,
live at the comedy store    miss my train.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1066
live at the comedy store    00:54:36,092 --> 00:54:38,135
live at the comedy store    Just, while I was there.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1067
live at the comedy store    00:54:39,095 --> 00:54:40,095
live at the comedy store    'Cause I was-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1068
live at the comedy store    00:54:40,096 --> 00:54:42,014
live at the comedy store    I was curious.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1069
live at the comedy store    00:54:42,056 --> 00:54:45,266
live at the comedy store    It didn't turn me on,
live at the comedy store    I was just curious.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1070
live at the comedy store    00:54:45,308 --> 00:54:47,310
live at the comedy store    'Cause I want to know, what is
live at the comedy store    it gonna be like when he comes.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1071
live at the comedy store    00:54:47,352 --> 00:54:48,728
live at the comedy store    That's what I wanted to know.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1072
live at the comedy store    00:54:48,770 --> 00:54:50,897
live at the comedy store    What is it like
live at the comedy store    when a rat comes?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1073
live at the comedy store    00:54:50,898 --> 00:54:51,022
live at the comedy store    Is it, like, uh-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1074
live at the comedy store    00:54:51,023 --> 00:54:54,567
live at the comedy store    Is it just a biological thing,
live at the comedy store    just a dispassionate,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1075
live at the comedy store    00:54:54,609 --> 00:54:56,112
live at the comedy store    kinda just, meh! And then
live at the comedy store    he just goes home?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1076
live at the comedy store    00:54:56,153 --> 00:54:59,197
live at the comedy store    Or is it like,
live at the comedy store    Yeah, fucking yeah!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1077
live at the comedy store    00:54:59,239 --> 00:55:02,200
live at the comedy store    Is it like, "Aww..."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1078
live at the comedy store    00:55:02,242 --> 00:55:03,660
live at the comedy store    Is it, you know?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1079
live at the comedy store    00:55:03,953 --> 00:55:07,622
live at the comedy store    Is it ecstasy?
live at the comedy store    Is it an orgasm?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1080
live at the comedy store    00:55:08,958 --> 00:55:12,293
live at the comedy store    I told that story
live at the comedy store    to a friend of mine.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1081
live at the comedy store    00:55:12,335 --> 00:55:14,546
live at the comedy store    She was like, "Well,
live at the comedy store    what about the girl rat?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1082
live at the comedy store    00:55:15,089 --> 00:55:18,134
live at the comedy store    "What about her orgasm?

1083
00:55:18,175 --> 00:55:24,431
Why didn't you empower her
and wonder how she comes?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1084
live at the comedy store    00:55:24,472 --> 00:55:26,599
live at the comedy store    What, are you crazy?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1085
live at the comedy store    00:55:26,641 --> 00:55:28,435
live at the comedy store    Girl rats don't come.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1086
live at the comedy store    00:55:28,476 --> 00:55:30,980
live at the comedy store    There's no way the girl gets
live at the comedy store    to come when rats fuck.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1087
live at the comedy store    00:55:31,021 --> 00:55:33,732
live at the comedy store    First of all, he's not
live at the comedy store    gonna hold out for her.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1088
live at the comedy store    00:55:33,773 --> 00:55:35,192
live at the comedy store    He's not that kinda dude,
live at the comedy store    you can tell.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1089
live at the comedy store    00:55:36,234 --> 00:55:37,277
live at the comedy store    He didn't give a shit.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1090
live at the comedy store    00:55:37,318 --> 00:55:39,487
live at the comedy store    He's gonna fuck her and leave,
live at the comedy store    he doesn't even know her name.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1091
live at the comedy store    00:55:39,529 --> 00:55:41,573
live at the comedy store    He's not sitting there
live at the comedy store    waiting for her and trying
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1092
live at the comedy store    00:55:41,614 --> 00:55:43,159
live at the comedy store    to think of things to not come,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1093
live at the comedy store    00:55:43,200 --> 00:55:47,787
live at the comedy store    like giant garbage bags with
live at the comedy store    no food in them or whatever.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1094
live at the comedy store    00:55:52,250 --> 00:55:54,836
live at the comedy store    And even if he did,
live at the comedy store    she's on a subway platform
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1095
live at the comedy store    00:55:54,878 --> 00:55:55,886
live at the comedy store    in front of people.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1096
live at the comedy store    00:55:55,921 --> 00:55:59,133
live at the comedy store    She's not gonna be able
live at the comedy store    to get to that place,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1097
live at the comedy store    00:55:59,175 --> 00:56:05,889
live at the comedy store    that inside place,
live at the comedy store    that girl rats need
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1098
live at the comedy store    00:56:05,924 --> 00:56:08,600
live at the comedy store    to find their orgasm.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1099
live at the comedy store    00:56:11,644 --> 00:56:13,605
live at the comedy store    'Cause I know
live at the comedy store    what girl rats need.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1100
live at the comedy store    00:56:14,023 --> 00:56:16,108
live at the comedy store    I know how to make
live at the comedy store    a girl rat come.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1101
live at the comedy store    00:56:18,027 --> 00:56:21,113
live at the comedy store    I do, you just pick 'em up and
live at the comedy store    hold 'em upside down and just...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1102
live at the comedy store    00:56:46,180 --> 00:56:48,723
live at the comedy store    Just to be clear,
live at the comedy store    what I was doing there...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1103
live at the comedy store    00:56:49,516 --> 00:56:51,434
live at the comedy store    I just want to make sure
live at the comedy store    you know.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1104
live at the comedy store    00:56:51,476 --> 00:56:53,478
live at the comedy store    I spit in her mouth
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1105
live at the comedy store    00:56:53,520 --> 00:56:55,647
live at the comedy store    while I played
live at the comedy store    with her little asshole.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1106
live at the comedy store    00:56:57,482 --> 00:56:58,901
live at the comedy store    Don't judge her,
live at the comedy store    that's what she likes.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1107
live at the comedy store    00:56:58,943 --> 00:57:00,945
live at the comedy store    I did it for her.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1108
live at the comedy store    00:57:07,450 --> 00:57:09,161
live at the comedy store    I was watching "The Wizard
live at the comedy store    of Oz" with my daughters and-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1109
live at the comedy store    00:57:12,455 --> 00:57:13,455
live at the comedy store    I know that's-
live at the comedy store    I know that's, uh-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1110
live at the comedy store    00:57:15,583 --> 00:57:18,711
live at the comedy store    That's a weird couple of stories
live at the comedy store    to put together.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1111
live at the comedy store    00:57:18,753 --> 00:57:22,507
live at the comedy store    Fingering a rat's asshole
live at the comedy store    to orgasm
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1112
live at the comedy store    00:57:22,549 --> 00:57:25,885
live at the comedy store    and watching "The Wizard of Oz"
live at the comedy store    with my daughters,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1113
live at the comedy store    00:57:25,920 --> 00:57:27,595
live at the comedy store    but they happened
live at the comedy store    to have happened
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1114
live at the comedy store    00:57:27,637 --> 00:57:28,637
live at the comedy store    one right after the other.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1115
live at the comedy store    00:57:32,309 --> 00:57:36,688
live at the comedy store    Most things that I do, I do
live at the comedy store    right after I made a rat come.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1116
live at the comedy store    00:57:37,982 --> 00:57:40,608
live at the comedy store    That's what I do at night.
live at the comedy store    It's my-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1117
live at the comedy store    00:57:40,650 --> 00:57:41,944
live at the comedy store    It's the only way I try to help.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1118
live at the comedy store    00:57:43,028 --> 00:57:44,071
live at the comedy store    All right.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1119
live at the comedy store    00:57:45,197 --> 00:57:47,448
live at the comedy store    So I was...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1120
live at the comedy store    00:57:49,076 --> 00:57:53,621
live at the comedy store    Let me just tell you this first.
live at the comedy store    I was, uh, I was at a place to-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1121
live at the comedy store    00:57:53,663 --> 00:57:54,915
live at the comedy store    eating dinner in New York and
live at the comedy store    I heard these two women talking
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1122
live at the comedy store    00:57:54,957 --> 00:57:57,709
live at the comedy store    and one of 'em is talking about
live at the comedy store    the guy she's dating.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1123
live at the comedy store    00:57:57,744 --> 00:58:00,461
live at the comedy store    They were about 21 years old,
live at the comedy store    like, NYU students,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1124
live at the comedy store    00:58:00,462 --> 00:58:01,254
live at the comedy store    and so she's talking about it
live at the comedy store    and, you know, a lot of times
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1125
live at the comedy store    00:58:01,255 --> 00:58:04,716
live at the comedy store    I'll hear this, a woman talking
live at the comedy store    about the guy she's dating
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1126
live at the comedy store    00:58:04,757 --> 00:58:07,510
live at the comedy store    and she runs down
live at the comedy store    the stuff that's not satisfying,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1127
live at the comedy store    00:58:07,552 --> 00:58:08,720
live at the comedy store    the things she doesn't like.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1128
live at the comedy store    00:58:08,761 --> 00:58:10,388
live at the comedy store    She's like, "He's just,
live at the comedy store    you know, I text him
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1129
live at the comedy store    00:58:10,430 --> 00:58:11,897
live at the comedy store    "and he, like, he doesn't,
like, respond right away

1130
00:58:11,932 --> 00:58:16,103
and then, when he does, it's"
live at the comedy store    like, whatever, so that's weird.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1131
live at the comedy store    00:58:16,145 --> 00:58:19,148
live at the comedy store    "And then, like, I saw him
and he's just being weird.

1132
00:58:19,189 --> 00:58:23,818
And so then he, like, calls me,"
live at the comedy store    he's like, I'm sorry I'm weird.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1133
live at the comedy store    00:58:23,860 --> 00:58:25,195
live at the comedy store    "It's, like, weird, right now.
And I was like, whatever.

1134
00:58:25,237 --> 00:58:28,908
And then we had sex.
And it's just weird."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1135
live at the comedy store    00:58:28,949 --> 00:58:31,576
live at the comedy store    And then I'm listening
live at the comedy store    'cause I wanted to know,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1136
live at the comedy store    00:58:31,618 --> 00:58:32,660
live at the comedy store    what is her friend gonna say?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1137
live at the comedy store    00:58:32,702 --> 00:58:33,702
live at the comedy store    I want to know what kind of
live at the comedy store    friend she has, you know.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1138
live at the comedy store    00:58:34,412 --> 00:58:36,290
live at the comedy store    And her friend just says,
live at the comedy store    "He's a piece of shit.

1139
00:58:36,332 --> 00:58:39,459
He's a piece of shit."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1140
live at the comedy store    00:58:39,500 --> 00:58:43,796
live at the comedy store    "He's not good enough for you,
'cause you're amazing.

1141
00:58:43,838 --> 00:58:45,090
You're amazing."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1142
live at the comedy store    00:58:45,132 --> 00:58:50,720
live at the comedy store    So he just can't handle
live at the comedy store    how amazing you are."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1143
live at the comedy store    00:58:50,762 --> 00:58:53,848
live at the comedy store    And I remember thinking,
live at the comedy store    that is a shitty friend.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1144
live at the comedy store    00:58:53,890 --> 00:58:54,899
live at the comedy store    That's not a good friend.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1145
live at the comedy store    00:58:54,934 --> 00:58:57,102
live at the comedy store    That is not a good way
live at the comedy store    to approach life.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1146
live at the comedy store    00:58:57,144 --> 00:58:58,903
live at the comedy store    "I'm amazing!

1147
00:58:58,938 --> 00:59:02,523
And anybody who doesn't"
live at the comedy store    text me back is just-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1148
live at the comedy store    00:59:02,565 --> 00:59:04,360
live at the comedy store    can't handle
live at the comedy store    how amazing I am."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1149
live at the comedy store    00:59:04,401 --> 00:59:06,869
live at the comedy store    I mean, she's a student.
live at the comedy store    She can't be-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1150
live at the comedy store    00:59:06,904 --> 00:59:11,658
live at the comedy store    She's not Nelson Mandela,
live at the comedy store    she's in college.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1151
live at the comedy store    00:59:11,699 --> 00:59:13,534
live at the comedy store    She-I'm sure she's fine,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1152
live at the comedy store    00:59:13,576 --> 00:59:17,538
live at the comedy store    but you're amazing,
live at the comedy store    the way you... take classes.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1153
live at the comedy store    00:59:17,580 --> 00:59:20,541
live at the comedy store    What is-
live at the comedy store    What is so amazing?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1154
live at the comedy store    00:59:20,583 --> 00:59:23,503
live at the comedy store    She's kinda boring, he's kind of
live at the comedy store    a douche, so it's fine.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1155
live at the comedy store    00:59:23,544 --> 00:59:25,797
live at the comedy store    They're fine.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1156
live at the comedy store    00:59:25,838 --> 00:59:27,548
live at the comedy store    You need to know that
live at the comedy store    you're boring a little bit.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1157
live at the comedy store    00:59:27,590 --> 00:59:28,633
live at the comedy store    It's important.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1158
live at the comedy store    00:59:28,675 --> 00:59:29,842
live at the comedy store    Self love is a good thing,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1159
live at the comedy store    00:59:29,884 --> 00:59:32,137
live at the comedy store    but self awareness
live at the comedy store    is more important.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1160
live at the comedy store    00:59:32,179 --> 00:59:35,598
live at the comedy store    You need to, once in a while go,
live at the comedy store    oh, I'm kind of an asshole.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1161
live at the comedy store    00:59:35,640 --> 00:59:36,640
live at the comedy store    You have to have
live at the comedy store    that thought once in a while,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1162
live at the comedy store    00:59:37,475 --> 00:59:39,602
live at the comedy store    or you're a psychopath.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1163
live at the comedy store    00:59:39,603 --> 00:59:40,311
live at the comedy store    You know like when you say
live at the comedy store    to a friend of yours,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1164
live at the comedy store    00:59:40,312 --> 00:59:42,398
live at the comedy store    You're being an asshole
live at the comedy store    and they're like, "No, I'm not."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1165
live at the comedy store    00:59:42,439 --> 00:59:45,192
live at the comedy store    Well, it's not up to you
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1166
live at the comedy store    00:59:45,234 --> 00:59:47,694
live at the comedy store    if you're an asshole or not.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1167
live at the comedy store    00:59:47,735 --> 00:59:49,737
live at the comedy store    That's up to everybody else.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1168
live at the comedy store    00:59:50,655 --> 00:59:51,907
live at the comedy store    You don't get to say no to that.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1169
live at the comedy store    00:59:53,242 --> 00:59:55,827
live at the comedy store    You're an asshole.
live at the comedy store    No, I'm not.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1170
live at the comedy store    00:59:55,868 --> 00:59:58,830
live at the comedy store    "Oh, sorry, I thought-
Okay, I'm glad I checked.

1171
00:59:58,871 --> 01:00:00,374
I guess you're not."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1172
live at the comedy store    01:00:00,416 --> 01:00:02,084
live at the comedy store    If somebody tells you
live at the comedy store    you're an asshole,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1173
live at the comedy store    01:00:02,126 --> 01:00:04,044
live at the comedy store    you should go, "Oh, shit."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1174
live at the comedy store    01:00:04,086 --> 01:00:07,006
live at the comedy store    All right, what happened,
live at the comedy store    how did I get here?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1175
live at the comedy store    01:00:07,923 --> 01:00:08,966
live at the comedy store    It's like somebody saying,
live at the comedy store    you know,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1176
live at the comedy store    01:00:09,008 --> 01:00:11,093
live at the comedy store    "You got something
on your face. ""No, I don't."""
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1177
live at the comedy store    01:00:13,012 --> 01:00:14,012
live at the comedy store    It's like America-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1178
live at the comedy store    01:00:14,013 --> 01:00:18,308
live at the comedy store    I feel like America is, like,
live at the comedy store    the world's worst girlfriend.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1179
live at the comedy store    01:00:18,350 --> 01:00:21,602
live at the comedy store    America is like
live at the comedy store    a terrible girlfriend
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1180
live at the comedy store    01:00:21,644 --> 01:00:22,812
live at the comedy store    to the rest of the world,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1181
live at the comedy store    01:00:22,813 --> 01:00:23,229
live at the comedy store    'cause when somebody
live at the comedy store    hurts America,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1182
live at the comedy store    01:00:23,230 --> 01:00:26,816
live at the comedy store    she remembers it forever,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1183
live at the comedy store    01:00:26,858 --> 01:00:30,570
live at the comedy store    but if she does anything bad,
live at the comedy store    it's like it- "What?"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1184
live at the comedy store    01:00:30,611 --> 01:00:32,156
live at the comedy store    "It did-
I didn't do anything."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1185
live at the comedy store    01:00:32,197 --> 01:00:34,908
live at the comedy store    America, why do you keep
live at the comedy store    bombing those people in Yemen
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1186
live at the comedy store    01:00:34,950 --> 01:00:38,454
live at the comedy store    and all these-
live at the comedy store    "Well, it's 'cause 9/11, okay?

1187
01:00:38,495 --> 01:00:44,667
9/11, so shut up, assholes."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1188
live at the comedy store    01:00:44,709 --> 01:00:46,669
live at the comedy store    Okay, but you killed
live at the comedy store    hundreds of thousands of people,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1189
live at the comedy store    01:00:46,670 --> 01:00:47,462
live at the comedy store    so I think you can-
live at the comedy store    "Yeah, no, but 9/11.

1190
01:00:47,463 --> 01:00:49,797
Fuck you."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1191
live at the comedy store    01:00:49,839 --> 01:00:51,632
live at the comedy store    You don't even understand."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1192
live at the comedy store    01:00:52,217 --> 01:00:53,217
live at the comedy store    Yeah, but you're
live at the comedy store    torturing people.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1193
live at the comedy store    01:00:53,218 --> 01:00:57,555
live at the comedy store    "I-It wasn't even
torture, oh, my God.

1194
01:00:58,806 --> 01:01:00,558
He's such a baby."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1195
live at the comedy store    01:01:00,600 --> 01:01:03,644
live at the comedy store    I didn't even do anything
live at the comedy store    to him."
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1196
live at the comedy store    01:01:06,631 --> 01:01:07,716
live at the comedy store    And...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1197
live at the comedy store    01:01:07,757 --> 01:01:09,676
live at the comedy store    And I'm saying this about women
live at the comedy store    'cause I'm a guy.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1198
live at the comedy store    01:01:09,718 --> 01:01:11,928
live at the comedy store    Women might say this about-
live at the comedy store    that this is what guys are like.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1199
live at the comedy store    01:01:12,970 --> 01:01:14,221
live at the comedy store    That's just what it's like,
live at the comedy store    you know,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1200
live at the comedy store    01:01:14,263 --> 01:01:16,349
live at the comedy store    because I think racism
live at the comedy store    and sexism are very different.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1201
live at the comedy store    01:01:16,391 --> 01:01:18,518
live at the comedy store    To me, racism is just a mistake.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1202
live at the comedy store    01:01:18,560 --> 01:01:19,811
live at the comedy store    It's like, just an error.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1203
live at the comedy store    01:01:19,853 --> 01:01:21,480
live at the comedy store    It doesn't really make
live at the comedy store    any sense,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1204
live at the comedy store    01:01:21,521 --> 01:01:26,025
live at the comedy store    we can just do away with it,
live at the comedy store    but sexism isn't going anywhere,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1205
live at the comedy store    01:01:26,066 --> 01:01:30,739
live at the comedy store    'cause sexism is way deep
live at the comedy store    the fuck down inside,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1206
live at the comedy store    01:01:30,780 --> 01:01:32,741
live at the comedy store    so it's just the way
live at the comedy store    we feel about each other.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1207
live at the comedy store    01:01:32,782 --> 01:01:34,826
live at the comedy store    It's, "Ahh, women!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1208
live at the comedy store    01:01:34,868 --> 01:01:38,245
live at the comedy store    "Women! Women!

1209
01:01:38,287 --> 01:01:39,956
Women!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1210
live at the comedy store    01:01:40,998 --> 01:01:42,667
live at the comedy store    Women! Women!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1211
live at the comedy store    01:01:45,962 --> 01:01:46,962
live at the comedy store    And you're like, "Men!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1212
live at the comedy store    01:01:46,963 --> 01:01:49,591
live at the comedy store    "Men, men! Men!

1213
01:01:49,633 --> 01:01:52,092
Men!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1214
live at the comedy store    01:01:52,134 --> 01:01:54,596
live at the comedy store    "Men! Men!

1215
01:01:54,638 --> 01:01:56,348
Men!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1216
live at the comedy store    01:02:02,521 --> 01:02:04,773
live at the comedy store    Anyway, so I'm watching "The
live at the comedy store    Wizard of Oz" with my daughters.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1217
live at the comedy store    01:02:04,814 --> 01:02:06,733
live at the comedy store    Is that enough of
live at the comedy store    a palate cleanser?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1218
live at the comedy store    01:02:06,775 --> 01:02:07,984
live at the comedy store    All right.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1219
live at the comedy store    01:02:10,362 --> 01:02:12,948
live at the comedy store    I'm watching "The Wizard of Oz,"
live at the comedy store    I don't know if you've seen it,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1220
live at the comedy store    01:02:12,989 --> 01:02:15,951
live at the comedy store    it's about a little girl
live at the comedy store    named Dorothy,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1221
live at the comedy store    01:02:15,992 --> 01:02:20,956
live at the comedy store    a very sweet little girl played
live at the comedy store    by an alcoholic older lady,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1222
live at the comedy store    01:02:20,997 --> 01:02:23,290
live at the comedy store    who, uh...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1223
live at the comedy store    01:02:23,750 --> 01:02:26,711
live at the comedy store    Lives in Kansas, she has a dog,
live at the comedy store    she's very upset.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1224
live at the comedy store    01:02:26,753 --> 01:02:29,631
live at the comedy store    And she keeps telling-
live at the comedy store    My dog!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1225
live at the comedy store    01:02:29,673 --> 01:02:32,926
live at the comedy store    And everybody's like,
live at the comedy store    This is a farm. We're working.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1226
live at the comedy store    01:02:32,968 --> 01:02:34,267
live at the comedy store    Leave us alone.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1227
live at the comedy store    01:02:34,302 --> 01:02:36,721
live at the comedy store    And then there's a tornado
live at the comedy store    and they all run inside
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1228
live at the comedy store    01:02:36,763 --> 01:02:40,140
live at the comedy store    and they barely look for her.
live at the comedy store    It's unbelievable.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1229
live at the comedy store    01:02:40,182 --> 01:02:43,060
live at the comedy store    It was so upsetting to me when
live at the comedy store    I was a kid to see this movie,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1230
live at the comedy store    01:02:43,102 --> 01:02:44,604
live at the comedy store    'cause Auntie Em is like,
live at the comedy store    Dorothy! Okay, fuck it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1231
live at the comedy store    01:02:44,646 --> 01:02:47,189
live at the comedy store    And she just goes right inside.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1232
live at the comedy store    01:02:47,231 --> 01:02:48,817
live at the comedy store    Bolts the door.
live at the comedy store    Unbelievable.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1233
live at the comedy store    01:02:51,653 --> 01:02:53,286
live at the comedy store    So Dorothy goes up to Oz.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1234
live at the comedy store    01:02:53,321 --> 01:02:54,781
live at the comedy store    So here's the thing, I was
live at the comedy store    watching it the other night,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1235
live at the comedy store    01:02:54,823 --> 01:02:57,826
live at the comedy store    and there's this one moment
live at the comedy store    that really stunned me.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1236
live at the comedy store    01:02:57,867 --> 01:03:00,537
live at the comedy store    It's when Ray Bolger,
live at the comedy store    who played the Scarecrow,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1237
live at the comedy store    01:03:00,579 --> 01:03:02,831
live at the comedy store    he just got ripped apart
live at the comedy store    by flying monkeys
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1238
live at the comedy store    01:03:02,872 --> 01:03:05,500
live at the comedy store    and he's very upset
live at the comedy store    and he has this performance
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1239
live at the comedy store    01:03:05,542 --> 01:03:07,877
live at the comedy store    that's way over the top,
live at the comedy store    even for this movie.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1240
live at the comedy store    01:03:07,919 --> 01:03:09,879
live at the comedy store    Do you remember that moment?
live at the comedy store    The Tin Man comes over.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1241
live at the comedy store    01:03:09,921 --> 01:03:11,673
live at the comedy store    What happened?
live at the comedy store    And he's like,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1242
live at the comedy store    01:03:11,708 --> 01:03:13,425
live at the comedy store    "Well, first
they tore my arms off

1243
01:03:13,466 --> 01:03:15,677
and they threw them over there!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1244
live at the comedy store    01:03:16,970 --> 01:03:21,474
live at the comedy store    And then they tore my legs off
live at the comedy store    and they threw them over there!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1245
live at the comedy store    01:03:24,311 --> 01:03:26,771
live at the comedy store    And I've seen this movie
live at the comedy store    a thousand times,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1246
live at the comedy store    01:03:26,813 --> 01:03:29,148
live at the comedy store    but for some reason this time,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1247
live at the comedy store    01:03:29,189 --> 01:03:32,151
live at the comedy store    that moment made me go,
live at the comedy store    Oh, shit!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1248
live at the comedy store    01:03:32,192 --> 01:03:33,192
live at the comedy store    Ooh!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1249
live at the comedy store    01:03:34,111 --> 01:03:35,111
live at the comedy store    That was a lot.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1250
live at the comedy store    01:03:37,032 --> 01:03:38,032
live at the comedy store    And I started to wonder
live at the comedy store    if Victor Fleming,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1251
live at the comedy store    01:03:38,033 --> 01:03:39,784
live at the comedy store    the guy who directed
live at the comedy store    The Wizard of Oz,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1252
live at the comedy store    01:03:39,826 --> 01:03:43,162
live at the comedy store    if he had a moment during
live at the comedy store    the filming of the movie
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1253
live at the comedy store    01:03:43,203 --> 01:03:46,374
live at the comedy store    where he was, like, I think
live at the comedy store    I gotta have a word with Ray,
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1254
live at the comedy store    01:03:46,416 --> 01:03:50,210
live at the comedy store    'cause that's getting
live at the comedy store    to be a lot.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1255
live at the comedy store    01:03:51,338 --> 01:03:52,338
live at the comedy store    All right, let him-
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1256
live at the comedy store    01:03:52,339 --> 01:03:53,798
live at the comedy store    Just let him do another one.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1257
live at the comedy store    01:03:53,840 --> 01:03:55,342
live at the comedy store    Okay, action!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1258
live at the comedy store    01:03:55,383 --> 01:03:56,760
live at the comedy store    What happened?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1259
live at the comedy store    01:03:56,801 --> 01:03:58,887
live at the comedy store    "Well, first they tore
my arms off

1260
01:03:58,928 --> 01:04:01,931
and they threw them over there!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1261
live at the comedy store    01:04:01,973 --> 01:04:04,476
live at the comedy store    "And then they tore my legs off.

1262
01:04:04,517 --> 01:04:06,978
They threw them over there!"
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1263
live at the comedy store    01:04:09,271 --> 01:04:10,271
live at the comedy store    Okay, cut!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1264
live at the comedy store    01:04:14,193 --> 01:04:15,193
live at the comedy store    Comes over.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1265
live at the comedy store    01:04:15,904 --> 01:04:17,572
live at the comedy store    Uh...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1266
live at the comedy store    01:04:17,614 --> 01:04:20,199
live at the comedy store    So listen.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1267
live at the comedy store    01:04:20,200 --> 01:04:20,949
live at the comedy store    Ray...
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1268
live at the comedy store    01:04:20,950 --> 01:04:22,327
live at the comedy store    Yes?
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1269
live at the comedy store    01:04:27,582 --> 01:04:29,000
live at the comedy store    Eh, you're fine.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1270
live at the comedy store    01:04:33,046 --> 01:04:34,046
live at the comedy store    You guys have been great,
live at the comedy store    thanks a lot for coming.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1271
live at the comedy store    01:04:34,047 --> 01:04:35,507
live at the comedy store    I hope you enjoyed it.
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1272
live at the comedy store    01:04:35,548 --> 01:04:37,884
live at the comedy store    Thank you very much!
live at the comedy store    
live at the comedy store    1273
live at the comedy store    01:04:38,635 --> 01:04:41,846
live at the comedy store    Thank you!
oh my GOD    1
oh my GOD    00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:07,806
oh my GOD    Fade the music out.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    2
oh my GOD    00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,208
oh my GOD    Let's roll.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    3
oh my GOD    00:00:09,242 --> 00:00:12,077
oh my GOD    Hold there.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    4
oh my GOD    00:00:16,132 --> 00:00:17,216
oh my GOD    Lights.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    5
oh my GOD    00:00:17,250 --> 00:00:18,717
oh my GOD    Do the lights.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    6
oh my GOD    00:00:54,921 --> 00:00:57,339
oh my GOD    Thank you.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    7
oh my GOD    00:00:59,158 --> 00:01:02,160
oh my GOD    Thank you very much.
oh my GOD    I appreciate that.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    8
oh my GOD    00:01:02,178 --> 00:01:06,265
oh my GOD    I don't necessarily agree with
oh my GOD    you, but I appreciate very much.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    9
oh my GOD    00:01:06,299 --> 00:01:07,516
oh my GOD    Well, this is a nice place.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    10
oh my GOD    00:01:07,550 --> 00:01:09,601
oh my GOD    This is easily the nicest place
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    11
oh my GOD    00:01:09,636 --> 00:01:12,805
oh my GOD    For many miles
oh my GOD    in every direction.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    12
oh my GOD    00:01:19,446 --> 00:01:21,363
oh my GOD    That's how you
oh my GOD    compliment a building
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    13
oh my GOD    00:01:21,397 --> 00:01:25,617
oh my GOD    And shit on a town
oh my GOD    with one sentence.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    14
oh my GOD    00:01:25,652 --> 00:01:28,620
oh my GOD    It is odd around here,
oh my GOD    as I was driving here.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    15
oh my GOD    00:01:28,655 --> 00:01:30,155
oh my GOD    There doesn't seem to be
oh my GOD    any difference
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    16
oh my GOD    00:01:30,189 --> 00:01:35,043
oh my GOD    Between the sidewalk and
oh my GOD    the street for pedestrians here.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    17
oh my GOD    00:01:35,078 --> 00:01:39,164
oh my GOD    People just kind of walk
oh my GOD    in the middle of the road.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    18
oh my GOD    00:01:44,704 --> 00:01:45,838
oh my GOD    I love traveling
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    19
oh my GOD    00:01:45,872 --> 00:01:46,972
oh my GOD    And seeing all the different
oh my GOD    parts of the country.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    20
oh my GOD    00:01:47,006 --> 00:01:48,924
oh my GOD    I live in new york.
oh my GOD    I live in a--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    21
oh my GOD    00:01:50,059 --> 00:01:52,060
oh my GOD    There's no value
oh my GOD    to your doing that at all.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    22
oh my GOD    00:01:52,095 --> 00:01:54,763
oh my GOD    I live--
oh my GOD    I live in new york.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    23
oh my GOD    00:01:56,048 --> 00:01:57,399
oh my GOD    I always--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    24
oh my GOD    00:01:57,433 --> 00:01:59,351
oh my GOD    Like, there's this old lady
oh my GOD    in my neighborhood,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    25
oh my GOD    00:01:59,385 --> 00:02:01,019
oh my GOD    And she's always
oh my GOD    walking her dog.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    26
oh my GOD    00:02:01,053 --> 00:02:03,722
oh my GOD    She's always just--
oh my GOD    she's very old.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    27
oh my GOD    00:02:03,740 --> 00:02:06,658
oh my GOD    She just stands there
oh my GOD    just being old,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    28
oh my GOD    00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:09,745
oh my GOD    And the dog just fights gravity
oh my GOD    every day, just--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    29
oh my GOD    00:02:09,779 --> 00:02:11,864
oh my GOD    The two of them, it's really--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    30
oh my GOD    00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:16,668
oh my GOD    The dog's got a cloudy eye,
oh my GOD    and she's got a cloudy eye,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    31
oh my GOD    00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:18,787
oh my GOD    And they just stand there
oh my GOD    looking at the street
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    32
oh my GOD    00:02:18,838 --> 00:02:21,340
oh my GOD    In two dimensions together,
oh my GOD    and--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    33
oh my GOD    00:02:24,761 --> 00:02:28,046
oh my GOD    And she's always wearing, like,
oh my GOD    this old sweater dress.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    34
oh my GOD    00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:30,582
oh my GOD    I guess it was a sweater
oh my GOD    when she was, like, 5'10",
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    35
oh my GOD    00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,718
oh my GOD    But now it's just,
oh my GOD    like, this sweater
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    36
oh my GOD    00:02:32,752 --> 00:02:36,271
oh my GOD    And her legs are--
oh my GOD    her legs are a nightmare.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    37
oh my GOD    00:02:36,306 --> 00:02:42,093
oh my GOD    They're just white with green
oh my GOD    streaks and bones sticking out.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    38
oh my GOD    00:02:42,111 --> 00:02:43,428
oh my GOD    Her legs are awful.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    39
oh my GOD    00:02:43,446 --> 00:02:45,230
oh my GOD    I saw a guy with no legs
oh my GOD    wheeling by,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    40
oh my GOD    00:02:45,264 --> 00:02:48,650
oh my GOD    And he was like,
oh my GOD    "yecch, no thank you.

41
00:02:48,701 --> 00:02:52,654
I do not want those."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    42
oh my GOD    00:02:52,705 --> 00:02:57,609
oh my GOD    "I'd rather just have air
down here like I have

43
00:02:57,627 --> 00:03:01,380
Than to look down at that shit."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    44
oh my GOD    00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:09,555
oh my GOD    I see these two all the time,
oh my GOD    and I always look at them,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    45
oh my GOD    00:03:09,589 --> 00:03:12,591
oh my GOD    And I always think,
oh my GOD    god, I hope she dies first.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    46
oh my GOD    00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:14,092
oh my GOD    I do.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    47
oh my GOD    00:03:14,126 --> 00:03:16,261
oh my GOD    I hope she dies first,
oh my GOD    for her sake,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    48
oh my GOD    00:03:16,295 --> 00:03:17,646
oh my GOD    Because I don't want her
oh my GOD    to lose the dog.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    49
oh my GOD    00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,648
oh my GOD    I don't think she'll
oh my GOD    be able to handle it.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    50
oh my GOD    00:03:19,682 --> 00:03:20,983
oh my GOD    If she dies--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    51
oh my GOD    00:03:21,017 --> 00:03:22,801
oh my GOD    If the old lady dies first,
oh my GOD    I'm not worried about the dog
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    52
oh my GOD    00:03:22,819 --> 00:03:27,239
oh my GOD    Because the dog doesn't even
oh my GOD    know about the old lady.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    53
oh my GOD    00:03:27,273 --> 00:03:33,161
oh my GOD    This dog is aware of
oh my GOD    three inches around his head.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    54
oh my GOD    00:03:34,497 --> 00:03:38,149
oh my GOD    He's living
oh my GOD    in two-second increments.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    55
oh my GOD    00:03:38,167 --> 00:03:40,419
oh my GOD    The second he's in
oh my GOD    and the one he just left
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    56
oh my GOD    00:03:40,453 --> 00:03:44,289
oh my GOD    Is all he knows about,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    57
oh my GOD    00:03:44,323 --> 00:03:48,293
oh my GOD    But if he dies, this lady,
oh my GOD    she's gonna be destroyed
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    58
oh my GOD    00:03:48,327 --> 00:03:50,963
oh my GOD    Because this dog is all she has,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    59
oh my GOD    00:03:50,997 --> 00:03:55,217
oh my GOD    And I know he's all she has
oh my GOD    because she has him.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    60
oh my GOD    00:03:55,268 --> 00:03:57,386
oh my GOD    There's no--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    61
oh my GOD    00:03:57,437 --> 00:03:59,004
oh my GOD    If she had one person
oh my GOD    in her life,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    62
oh my GOD    00:03:59,022 --> 00:04:01,890
oh my GOD    She would not keep
oh my GOD    this piece of shit little dog.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    63
oh my GOD    00:04:01,941 --> 00:04:04,559
oh my GOD    Even if just some young woman
oh my GOD    in her building one morning
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    64
oh my GOD    00:04:04,611 --> 00:04:06,061
oh my GOD    Were to say,
oh my GOD    good morning, gladys,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    65
oh my GOD    00:04:06,112 --> 00:04:07,145
oh my GOD    She'd be like, "good,"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    66
oh my GOD    00:04:07,179 --> 00:04:09,014
oh my GOD    And just flush him
oh my GOD    down the toilet, just--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    67
oh my GOD    00:04:15,822 --> 00:04:17,372
oh my GOD    Poom! Poom!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    68
oh my GOD    00:04:17,407 --> 00:04:19,625
oh my GOD    The dog just keeps
oh my GOD    bumping on the drain.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    69
oh my GOD    00:04:22,211 --> 00:04:24,079
oh my GOD    Poom!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    70
oh my GOD    00:04:24,130 --> 00:04:27,082
oh my GOD     she gives up.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    71
oh my GOD    00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:30,469
oh my GOD    Ends up just shitting on her dog
oh my GOD    for the rest of her life.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    72
oh my GOD    00:04:30,503 --> 00:04:31,586
oh my GOD    P-p-p!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    73
oh my GOD    00:04:36,976 --> 00:04:38,844
oh my GOD    Poom!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    74
oh my GOD    00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:45,851
oh my GOD    You ever flush a pet
oh my GOD    down the toilet?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    75
oh my GOD    00:04:45,885 --> 00:04:48,487
oh my GOD    I had to flush my daughter's
oh my GOD    fish down the toilet.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    76
oh my GOD    00:04:48,521 --> 00:04:49,888
oh my GOD    I came home, the fish was dead.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    77
oh my GOD    00:04:49,906 --> 00:04:53,025
oh my GOD    She wasn't home from school yet,
oh my GOD    so I just flushed the fish,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    78
oh my GOD    00:04:53,059 --> 00:04:56,411
oh my GOD    And that's a weird moment, too,
oh my GOD    'cause fish live in water.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    79
oh my GOD    00:04:56,446 --> 00:04:58,580
oh my GOD    So you put it in the toilet,
oh my GOD    floats to the bottom,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    80
oh my GOD    00:04:58,614 --> 00:05:00,032
oh my GOD    Like, "yeah, he's dead,"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    81
oh my GOD    00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:01,333
oh my GOD    And then you flush,
oh my GOD    and it looks like he goes,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    82
oh my GOD    00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:06,621
oh my GOD    "wait a second! Aw, shit!

83
00:05:06,673 --> 00:05:10,959
I was taking a nap! Jesus!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    84
oh my GOD    00:05:11,010 --> 00:05:12,544
oh my GOD    "you gotta be in constant motion

85
00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:15,847
To get any respect
in this house."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    86
oh my GOD    00:05:19,018 --> 00:05:20,752
oh my GOD    And then my daughter comes home.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    87
oh my GOD    00:05:20,770 --> 00:05:22,054
oh my GOD    why did he die, da--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    88
oh my GOD    00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:27,359
oh my GOD    Come on. What am I gonna say?
oh my GOD    Why did he die?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    89
oh my GOD    00:05:27,393 --> 00:05:30,312
oh my GOD    Because who gives a shit?
oh my GOD    That's the reason.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    90
oh my GOD    00:05:30,363 --> 00:05:33,699
oh my GOD    That's the actual reason,
oh my GOD    is because didn't matter
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    91
oh my GOD    00:05:33,733 --> 00:05:35,150
oh my GOD    That he was alive.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    92
oh my GOD    00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:38,236
oh my GOD    That's why he's dead.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    93
oh my GOD    00:05:38,270 --> 00:05:40,322
oh my GOD    He didn't know his name,
oh my GOD    and he didn't love you back.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    94
oh my GOD    00:05:40,373 --> 00:05:43,792
oh my GOD    These are the facts
oh my GOD    about that fish's life.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    95
oh my GOD    00:05:47,797 --> 00:05:49,998
oh my GOD    My daughter likes fish.
oh my GOD    We took her to the aquarium.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    96
oh my GOD    00:05:50,049 --> 00:05:52,117
oh my GOD    I took both my kids
oh my GOD    to the aquarium in boston,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    97
oh my GOD    00:05:52,135 --> 00:05:55,087
oh my GOD    And we were looking
oh my GOD    at this seal, or sea lion.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    98
oh my GOD    00:05:55,121 --> 00:05:58,256
oh my GOD    I don't know which one.
oh my GOD    I don't care.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    99
oh my GOD    00:05:58,290 --> 00:06:01,343
oh my GOD    I don't think they need
oh my GOD    to be separate things.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    100
oh my GOD    00:06:01,394 --> 00:06:02,811
oh my GOD    I really don't.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    101
oh my GOD    00:06:02,845 --> 00:06:05,680
oh my GOD    They don't care,
oh my GOD    and we don't care.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    102
oh my GOD    00:06:05,732 --> 00:06:07,399
oh my GOD    There's, like, three scientists
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    103
oh my GOD    00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:10,685
oh my GOD    Who give a shit
oh my GOD    what we call all those things.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    104
oh my GOD    00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:12,070
oh my GOD    The scientists could
oh my GOD    go on tv tomorrow
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    105
oh my GOD    00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:13,188
oh my GOD    And say, "ok, everybody.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    106
oh my GOD    00:06:13,239 --> 00:06:18,827
oh my GOD    "from now on, seals
and sea lions and walruses,

107
00:06:18,861 --> 00:06:26,418
And--you know what?--Penguins
are all seals now,"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    108
oh my GOD    00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:31,289
oh my GOD    And we would all be like,
oh my GOD    "yeah, all right. Fine. Yes.

109
00:06:31,323 --> 00:06:33,825
Whatever, man."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    110
oh my GOD    00:06:33,843 --> 00:06:36,962
oh my GOD    Anyway, so we're looking
oh my GOD    at this seal/sea lion thing,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    111
oh my GOD    00:06:36,996 --> 00:06:39,664
oh my GOD    And he's looking back at us
oh my GOD    through the plexiglas,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    112
oh my GOD    00:06:39,682 --> 00:06:40,849
oh my GOD    And he's going--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    113
oh my GOD    00:06:43,002 --> 00:06:46,555
oh my GOD    They're really disgusting
oh my GOD    in person.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    114
oh my GOD    00:06:46,606 --> 00:06:48,523
oh my GOD    Most animals are
oh my GOD    when you really see them.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    115
oh my GOD    00:06:48,558 --> 00:06:49,891
oh my GOD    You ever go to a farm?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    116
oh my GOD    00:06:49,942 --> 00:06:51,276
oh my GOD    You think you're gonna see
oh my GOD    little, white sheep
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    117
oh my GOD    00:06:51,310 --> 00:06:53,895
oh my GOD    Going, "baa," but they're
oh my GOD    all fat and shit-colored,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    118
oh my GOD    00:06:53,946 --> 00:06:54,946
oh my GOD    And they're like--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    119
oh my GOD    00:06:57,784 --> 00:07:00,368
oh my GOD    Jesus.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    120
oh my GOD    00:07:00,403 --> 00:07:02,871
oh my GOD    That thing is awful.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    121
oh my GOD    00:07:02,905 --> 00:07:04,122
oh my GOD    Anyway, seals don't go--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    122
oh my GOD    00:07:05,191 --> 00:07:06,158
oh my GOD    They go--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    123
oh my GOD    00:07:08,527 --> 00:07:11,663
oh my GOD    My daughter's like,
oh my GOD    what is he saying?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    124
oh my GOD    00:07:11,697 --> 00:07:13,498
oh my GOD    I don't know!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    125
oh my GOD    00:07:13,532 --> 00:07:17,702
oh my GOD    "I'm a slave!

126
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:19,805
Kill me!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    127
oh my GOD    00:07:28,547 --> 00:07:32,517
oh my GOD    Must be awful to be
oh my GOD    other kinds of stuff,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    128
oh my GOD    00:07:32,551 --> 00:07:34,236
oh my GOD    You know?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    129
oh my GOD    00:07:34,270 --> 00:07:36,655
oh my GOD    I'm glad I'm this.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    130
oh my GOD    00:07:36,689 --> 00:07:41,610
oh my GOD    This is a pretty good deal when
oh my GOD    you consider the alternatives.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    131
oh my GOD    00:07:41,661 --> 00:07:46,198
oh my GOD    Anything else, any other kind of
oh my GOD    thing, you're in the food chain.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    132
oh my GOD    00:07:46,232 --> 00:07:49,584
oh my GOD    You're in the food--
oh my GOD    we are out of the food chain.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    133
oh my GOD    00:07:49,619 --> 00:07:51,870
oh my GOD    I don't know if we
oh my GOD    fully appreciate the fact
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    134
oh my GOD    00:07:51,904 --> 00:07:55,240
oh my GOD    That we got
oh my GOD    out of the food chain.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    135
oh my GOD    00:07:55,258 --> 00:07:58,243
oh my GOD    That is a massive upgrade
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    136
oh my GOD    00:07:58,261 --> 00:08:00,545
oh my GOD    Because for every other
oh my GOD    living thing,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    137
oh my GOD    00:08:00,579 --> 00:08:03,131
oh my GOD    Life ends by being eaten.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    138
oh my GOD    00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:05,467
oh my GOD    That's how all life ends, is--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    139
oh my GOD    00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:07,602
oh my GOD    Every single life
oh my GOD    except human life,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    140
oh my GOD    00:08:07,637 --> 00:08:09,137
oh my GOD    Every life ends like this.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    141
oh my GOD    00:08:09,188 --> 00:08:12,607
oh my GOD    Aah! Aah! Aah!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    142
oh my GOD    00:08:16,979 --> 00:08:20,649
oh my GOD    We're the only ones that get
oh my GOD    to just die old in a bed,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    143
oh my GOD    00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:25,403
oh my GOD    Just "I love you. Bye."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    144
oh my GOD    00:08:32,578 --> 00:08:36,081
oh my GOD    I mean, imagine if we were
oh my GOD    still in the food chain
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    145
oh my GOD    00:08:36,115 --> 00:08:38,083
oh my GOD    On top of everything else.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    146
oh my GOD    00:08:38,117 --> 00:08:40,252
oh my GOD    Imagine if we were
oh my GOD    in the food chain.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    147
oh my GOD    00:08:40,286 --> 00:08:44,973
oh my GOD    It would just be another thing
oh my GOD    you gotta deal with.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    148
oh my GOD    00:08:45,007 --> 00:08:47,893
oh my GOD    You're already having a bad day.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    149
oh my GOD    00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:50,345
oh my GOD    You wake in up in the morning.
oh my GOD    You're making breakfast.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    150
oh my GOD    00:08:50,396 --> 00:08:54,733
oh my GOD    You burn your toast,
oh my GOD    and it's too late to try again,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    151
oh my GOD    00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:58,687
oh my GOD    And your kid comes in and says,
oh my GOD    beh, and you're like, "fine,"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    152
oh my GOD    00:08:58,738 --> 00:09:01,740
oh my GOD    And it's just, "why?"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    153
oh my GOD    00:09:03,025 --> 00:09:04,326
oh my GOD    You get a thing in the mail
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    154
oh my GOD    00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:07,312
oh my GOD    That says that
oh my GOD    your phone's different,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    155
oh my GOD    00:09:07,330 --> 00:09:10,615
oh my GOD    And your mortgage
oh my GOD    is another company now.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    156
oh my GOD    00:09:10,649 --> 00:09:15,253
oh my GOD    What? I don't get it!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    157
oh my GOD    00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:17,655
oh my GOD    Then you're walking to work
oh my GOD    like, "why do I even bother?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    158
oh my GOD    00:09:17,673 --> 00:09:21,376
oh my GOD    "shit! Goddamn it!

159
00:09:21,427 --> 00:09:25,496
there's always fucking cheetahs"
oh my GOD    at the train station!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    160
oh my GOD    00:09:25,514 --> 00:09:28,166
oh my GOD    Stop it!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    161
oh my GOD    00:09:34,674 --> 00:09:36,474
oh my GOD    You think that sharks--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    162
oh my GOD    00:09:36,508 --> 00:09:39,527
oh my GOD    Do you think that sharks
oh my GOD    would be embarrassed
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    163
oh my GOD    00:09:39,562 --> 00:09:41,846
oh my GOD    If they knew that we could all
oh my GOD    see their fins
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    164
oh my GOD    00:09:41,864 --> 00:09:47,152
oh my GOD    Sticking out
oh my GOD    the top of the water?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    165
oh my GOD    00:09:47,186 --> 00:09:49,187
oh my GOD    I think they'd be bummed
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    166
oh my GOD    00:09:49,205 --> 00:09:52,324
oh my GOD    'cause I don't think sharks
oh my GOD    are aware of that at all.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    167
oh my GOD    00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:54,492
oh my GOD    I think sharks think
oh my GOD    they're slick.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    168
oh my GOD    00:09:54,526 --> 00:09:56,044
oh my GOD    They swim around like,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    169
oh my GOD    00:09:56,078 --> 00:10:01,166
oh my GOD    "hey, nobody has any idea
what's down here,"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    170
oh my GOD    00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:02,367
oh my GOD    And we're all up here like,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    171
oh my GOD    00:10:02,385 --> 00:10:05,754
oh my GOD    "there's totally a shark
right there."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    172
oh my GOD    00:10:08,540 --> 00:10:10,592
oh my GOD    It wouldn't be fun
oh my GOD    being a predator, either.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    173
oh my GOD    00:10:10,643 --> 00:10:13,144
oh my GOD    If you're a predator, imagine
oh my GOD    if every time you're hungry,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    174
oh my GOD    00:10:13,179 --> 00:10:16,765
oh my GOD    You gotta chase a guy
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    175
oh my GOD    00:10:16,816 --> 00:10:19,067
oh my GOD    Who's running for his life.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    176
oh my GOD    00:10:19,101 --> 00:10:21,936
oh my GOD    You gotta-- "come on, dude!
oh my GOD    Shit, get over here!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    177
oh my GOD    00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:24,322
oh my GOD    And just hold him down
oh my GOD    and bite his neck
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    178
oh my GOD    00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:27,892
oh my GOD    Till he shuts the fuck up
oh my GOD    for a minute
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    179
oh my GOD    00:10:27,910 --> 00:10:30,362
oh my GOD    So you can just sit there
oh my GOD    and eat his stomach
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    180
oh my GOD    00:10:30,396 --> 00:10:33,731
oh my GOD    Before you go to work.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    181
oh my GOD    00:10:38,037 --> 00:10:40,121
oh my GOD    That would really suck.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    182
oh my GOD    00:10:40,172 --> 00:10:41,339
oh my GOD    That's why animals just--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    183
oh my GOD    00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:43,425
oh my GOD    They go, "let's do this
oh my GOD    together, man.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    184
oh my GOD    00:10:43,459 --> 00:10:44,876
oh my GOD    "you chase the parents away.

185
00:10:44,910 --> 00:10:47,012
I am gonna eat the kid,
and you circle back."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    186
oh my GOD    00:10:47,046 --> 00:10:49,347
oh my GOD    That's why they do it like that.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    187
oh my GOD    00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:52,384
oh my GOD    "fuck it. I'm eating babies.
This is bullshit."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    188
oh my GOD    00:10:57,106 --> 00:11:00,809
oh my GOD    "grownups ain't worth
the meat."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    189
oh my GOD    00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:03,862
oh my GOD    Whoops, all right.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    190
oh my GOD    00:11:03,896 --> 00:11:05,447
oh my GOD    All right.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    191
oh my GOD    00:11:05,481 --> 00:11:07,649
oh my GOD    shit.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    192
oh my GOD    00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:10,985
oh my GOD    Goddamn it.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    193
oh my GOD    00:11:11,037 --> 00:11:13,788
oh my GOD    Idiot.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    194
oh my GOD    00:11:13,823 --> 00:11:16,157
oh my GOD    This isn't a gay voice,
oh my GOD    by the way.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    195
oh my GOD    00:11:16,208 --> 00:11:17,792
oh my GOD    It's not.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    196
oh my GOD    00:11:17,827 --> 00:11:22,297
oh my GOD    Shut up.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    197
oh my GOD    00:11:22,331 --> 00:11:25,550
oh my GOD    yeah.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    198
oh my GOD    00:11:25,584 --> 00:11:28,887
oh my GOD    I live in new york city,
oh my GOD    and it's ok there.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    199
oh my GOD    00:11:28,921 --> 00:11:30,088
oh my GOD    I live in a nice building.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    200
oh my GOD    00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:31,423
oh my GOD    I never lived
oh my GOD    in a nice place before.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    201
oh my GOD    00:11:31,457 --> 00:11:33,591
oh my GOD    When I was growing up,
oh my GOD    I had no money.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    202
oh my GOD    00:11:33,625 --> 00:11:36,728
oh my GOD    I mean, my mom didn't.
oh my GOD    Didn't matter. I was a child.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    203
oh my GOD    00:11:36,762 --> 00:11:39,681
oh my GOD    But I'm not used to it
oh my GOD    'cause it's nice.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    204
oh my GOD    00:11:39,732 --> 00:11:41,399
oh my GOD    There's, like,
oh my GOD    a pretty courtyard
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    205
oh my GOD    00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:46,321
oh my GOD    With flowers and a fountain
oh my GOD    with little marble boys pissing.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    206
oh my GOD    00:11:46,355 --> 00:11:51,326
oh my GOD    I don't know.
oh my GOD    What is it with fountains?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    207
oh my GOD    00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:55,280
oh my GOD    Like, all fountain sculptors
oh my GOD    are pedophiles, basically.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    208
oh my GOD    00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:57,782
oh my GOD    You can't get a fountain
oh my GOD    made without--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    209
oh my GOD    00:11:57,816 --> 00:11:59,417
oh my GOD    can you make me a fountain?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    210
oh my GOD    00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:02,170
oh my GOD    "yes, I'll get started
right away!

211
00:12:02,204 --> 00:12:05,673
Yes!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    212
oh my GOD    00:12:05,708 --> 00:12:08,960
oh my GOD    Yes!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    213
oh my GOD    00:12:08,994 --> 00:12:11,763
oh my GOD    It's finished!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    214
oh my GOD    00:12:11,797 --> 00:12:14,999
oh my GOD    And it's just little boys
oh my GOD    pissing on the face
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    215
oh my GOD    00:12:15,017 --> 00:12:18,853
oh my GOD    Of a greek god
oh my GOD    that looks like him a lot.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    216
oh my GOD    00:12:18,888 --> 00:12:22,524
oh my GOD    just piss on me forever!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    217
oh my GOD    00:12:27,679 --> 00:12:31,032
oh my GOD    Anyway, there's one of those
oh my GOD    in the courtyard of my building,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    218
oh my GOD    00:12:31,066 --> 00:12:35,069
oh my GOD    And my first week in
oh my GOD    the building about a year ago,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    219
oh my GOD    00:12:35,121 --> 00:12:38,189
oh my GOD    I went down to the courtyard
oh my GOD    for the first time,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    220
oh my GOD    00:12:38,207 --> 00:12:39,857
oh my GOD    And I didn't look
oh my GOD    too good, you know?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    221
oh my GOD    00:12:39,875 --> 00:12:41,859
oh my GOD    It was a Sunday morning.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    222
oh my GOD    00:12:41,877 --> 00:12:44,913
oh my GOD    That's my
oh my GOD    least presentable hour.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    223
oh my GOD    00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:47,198
oh my GOD    There's a lot of, you know,
oh my GOD    just stains,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    224
oh my GOD    00:12:47,216 --> 00:12:50,218
oh my GOD    Just like, you know,
oh my GOD    food and me and whatever...
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    225
oh my GOD    00:12:51,253 --> 00:12:55,256
oh my GOD    And so I'm sitting there.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    226
oh my GOD    00:12:55,307 --> 00:12:58,643
oh my GOD    So? Shut up.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    227
oh my GOD    00:12:58,677 --> 00:13:00,512
oh my GOD    Ha ha ha!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    228
oh my GOD    00:13:02,815 --> 00:13:06,017
oh my GOD    Anyway, but so there I was.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    229
oh my GOD    00:13:06,051 --> 00:13:08,570
oh my GOD    I'm sitting on the stone bench
oh my GOD    of this courtyard
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    230
oh my GOD    00:13:08,604 --> 00:13:11,389
oh my GOD    And feeling a little
oh my GOD    out of place.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    231
oh my GOD    00:13:11,407 --> 00:13:13,107
oh my GOD    You know, there's
oh my GOD    these fancy doormen and stuff,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    232
oh my GOD    00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:14,943
oh my GOD    And then there's this guy
oh my GOD    looking at me.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    233
oh my GOD    00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:17,895
oh my GOD    I notice he's looking at me
oh my GOD    from across the courtyard,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    234
oh my GOD    00:13:17,913 --> 00:13:19,697
oh my GOD    And he's all spiffy-looking.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    235
oh my GOD    00:13:19,731 --> 00:13:23,618
oh my GOD    He's got brown shoes, and he's
oh my GOD    looking at me like, ""
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    236
oh my GOD    00:13:23,669 --> 00:13:27,205
oh my GOD    I can tell he was thinking
oh my GOD    I don't live in the building.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    237
oh my GOD    00:13:27,239 --> 00:13:29,874
oh my GOD    He thinks I just wandered in
oh my GOD    off the streets
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    238
oh my GOD    00:13:29,908 --> 00:13:31,376
oh my GOD    And sat in the courtyard.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    239
oh my GOD    00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:33,578
oh my GOD    I can tell he's thinking
oh my GOD    of coming over
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    240
oh my GOD    00:13:33,596 --> 00:13:36,514
oh my GOD    And dealing with me on his own,
oh my GOD    and I'm sitting there thinking,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    241
oh my GOD    00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:40,852
oh my GOD    Like, "please do that. Yes.
oh my GOD    Please, come on, come on.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    242
oh my GOD    00:13:40,886 --> 00:13:42,971
oh my GOD    Come on, come on, come on,"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    243
oh my GOD    00:13:43,022 --> 00:13:44,856
oh my GOD    And I'm trying to look
oh my GOD    even more gross,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    244
oh my GOD    00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:48,560
oh my GOD    And I'm, like,
oh my GOD    pulling up my shirt, ""
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    245
oh my GOD    00:13:48,594 --> 00:13:51,446
oh my GOD    And then I see him go, "no.
oh my GOD    That's not gonna do at all,"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    246
oh my GOD    00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:56,234
oh my GOD    And he comes over to me,
oh my GOD     and I'm like,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    247
oh my GOD    00:13:56,268 --> 00:13:57,485
oh my GOD    Num num num!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    248
oh my GOD    00:13:57,536 --> 00:14:01,873
oh my GOD    I'm so excited to have
oh my GOD    this thing, a confrontation
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    249
oh my GOD    00:14:01,907 --> 00:14:06,044
oh my GOD    Where I'm not wrong at all
oh my GOD    and he thinks I am.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    250
oh my GOD    00:14:06,078 --> 00:14:07,212
oh my GOD    rrgh!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    251
oh my GOD    00:14:07,246 --> 00:14:10,781
oh my GOD    So he comes over, says,
oh my GOD    "excuse me,

252
00:14:10,799 --> 00:14:13,334
do you live in this building?"""
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    253
oh my GOD    00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:18,139
oh my GOD    And I said, "no,"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    254
oh my GOD    00:14:18,173 --> 00:14:22,644
oh my GOD    'cause why not start there?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    255
oh my GOD    00:14:22,678 --> 00:14:24,812
oh my GOD    I said, "no."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    256
oh my GOD    00:14:24,847 --> 00:14:27,015
oh my GOD    He goes, "well then,
oh my GOD    what are you doing here?"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    257
oh my GOD    00:14:27,066 --> 00:14:28,850
oh my GOD    And I said, "I just need
oh my GOD    to rest.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    258
oh my GOD    00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:31,269
oh my GOD    I'm having a hard time."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    259
oh my GOD    00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:37,692
oh my GOD    He says,
oh my GOD    this is private property,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    260
oh my GOD    00:14:37,743 --> 00:14:41,112
oh my GOD    And I said, "well, I don't
oh my GOD    really believe in that."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    261
oh my GOD    00:14:41,146 --> 00:14:43,781
oh my GOD    You know, just the worst things
oh my GOD    I could say
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    262
oh my GOD    00:14:43,815 --> 00:14:45,483
oh my GOD    From his point of view
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    263
oh my GOD    00:14:45,501 --> 00:14:47,985
oh my GOD    Is basically all the things
oh my GOD    I was saying,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    264
oh my GOD    00:14:48,003 --> 00:14:49,504
oh my GOD    And he goes,
oh my GOD    "well, if you don't leave,

265
00:14:49,538 --> 00:14:50,705
I'm gonna talk to the doorman."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    266
oh my GOD    00:14:50,756 --> 00:14:53,758
oh my GOD    I was like, "can I just stay,
oh my GOD    like, five more hours?"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    267
oh my GOD    00:14:53,792 --> 00:14:58,096
oh my GOD    So he's--"no,"
oh my GOD    and he goes over to the doorman
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    268
oh my GOD    00:14:58,130 --> 00:15:01,549
oh my GOD    And I see him talking about me
oh my GOD    to the doorman like this,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    269
oh my GOD    00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,134
oh my GOD    And then I see the doorman
oh my GOD    going, "no.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    270
oh my GOD    00:15:03,168 --> 00:15:08,222
oh my GOD    That guy lives here. It's ok,"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    271
oh my GOD    00:15:08,274 --> 00:15:13,194
oh my GOD    And the look on his face--
oh my GOD    mwah mwah! Num num!--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    272
oh my GOD    00:15:13,228 --> 00:15:15,146
oh my GOD    It was just so--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    273
oh my GOD    00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:21,286
oh my GOD    It was this beautiful cocktail
oh my GOD    of anger and confusion.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    274
oh my GOD    00:15:23,122 --> 00:15:26,958
oh my GOD    It's like I had invented a new
oh my GOD    way to hurt somebody's feelings.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    275
oh my GOD    00:15:26,992 --> 00:15:29,911
oh my GOD    That's how excited I was.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    276
oh my GOD    00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:35,866
oh my GOD    I'm 45 now,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    277
oh my GOD    00:15:35,884 --> 00:15:37,835
oh my GOD    So I'm either halfway through
oh my GOD    a healthy life
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    278
oh my GOD    00:15:37,869 --> 00:15:41,923
oh my GOD    Or almost done
oh my GOD    with a not-so-healthy life.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    279
oh my GOD    00:15:41,974 --> 00:15:43,808
oh my GOD    I don't know which one.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    280
oh my GOD    00:15:43,842 --> 00:15:48,429
oh my GOD    I won't know till it's over
oh my GOD    where this was.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    281
oh my GOD    00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,932
oh my GOD    I don't know how long
oh my GOD    I'm gonna live.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    282
oh my GOD    00:15:50,983 --> 00:15:53,067
oh my GOD    I don't know.
oh my GOD    Nobody knows, I guess.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    283
oh my GOD    00:15:53,102 --> 00:15:56,220
oh my GOD    I think human life expectancy
oh my GOD    is pretty good.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    284
oh my GOD    00:15:56,238 --> 00:15:58,356
oh my GOD    We get a good run, you know?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    285
oh my GOD    00:15:58,390 --> 00:16:00,108
oh my GOD    Some people die early, you know?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    286
oh my GOD    00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:02,610
oh my GOD    If I die now, people will be
oh my GOD    like, "that's too bad."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    287
oh my GOD    00:16:02,661 --> 00:16:04,329
oh my GOD    If I die five years from now,
oh my GOD    they'll be like,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    288
oh my GOD    00:16:04,363 --> 00:16:06,698
oh my GOD    well, all right,
oh my GOD    like it's not even--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    289
oh my GOD    00:16:06,732 --> 00:16:08,333
oh my GOD    It's--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    290
oh my GOD    00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:11,569
oh my GOD    Like, as soon as you're 50,
oh my GOD    you're a candidate.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    291
oh my GOD    00:16:11,587 --> 00:16:13,755
oh my GOD    You know, there's
oh my GOD    no candlelight vigils
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    292
oh my GOD    00:16:13,789 --> 00:16:17,842
oh my GOD    For 50-year-old guys that die,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    293
oh my GOD    00:16:17,876 --> 00:16:19,460
oh my GOD    And you start pushing--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    294
oh my GOD    00:16:19,511 --> 00:16:22,463
oh my GOD    You know, some people get to be
oh my GOD    like, 80s, 90s.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    295
oh my GOD    00:16:22,514 --> 00:16:25,466
oh my GOD    You know, there are people
oh my GOD    that get to, like, 114,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    296
oh my GOD    00:16:25,517 --> 00:16:28,720
oh my GOD    And then they're in the news,
oh my GOD    and it's always some old guy,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    297
oh my GOD    00:16:28,754 --> 00:16:30,521
oh my GOD    I met napoleon.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    298
oh my GOD    00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:32,890
oh my GOD    No, you didn't, you liar,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    299
oh my GOD    00:16:32,924 --> 00:16:36,444
oh my GOD    You oldest liar in the world.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    300
oh my GOD    00:16:39,097 --> 00:16:42,367
oh my GOD    But 45, you know,
oh my GOD    you're not old yet,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    301
oh my GOD    00:16:42,401 --> 00:16:43,985
oh my GOD    But you start having moments
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    302
oh my GOD    00:16:44,036 --> 00:16:46,404
oh my GOD    Where you kind of start getting
oh my GOD    what old is,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    303
oh my GOD    00:16:46,438 --> 00:16:50,775
oh my GOD    Especially if you didn't
oh my GOD    take care of yourself, you know?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    304
oh my GOD    00:16:50,793 --> 00:16:52,293
oh my GOD    I have moments where I'm like,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    305
oh my GOD    00:16:52,327 --> 00:16:55,112
oh my GOD    "wow, this seems early
for this."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    306
oh my GOD    00:16:56,582 --> 00:16:58,249
oh my GOD    Like, this is something
oh my GOD    that happens to me a lot.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    307
oh my GOD    00:16:58,283 --> 00:17:01,786
oh my GOD    I'll be sitting watching tv
oh my GOD    or doing nothing,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    308
oh my GOD    00:17:01,804 --> 00:17:04,422
oh my GOD    And all of a sudden,
oh my GOD    I'll realize,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    309
oh my GOD    00:17:04,456 --> 00:17:07,892
oh my GOD    "I need to wipe my ass
right now."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    310
oh my GOD    00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:19,153
oh my GOD    "I mean, nothing happened,

311
00:17:19,188 --> 00:17:21,689
But I really gotta
wipe my ass right now.

312
00:17:21,740 --> 00:17:24,776
Right now."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    313
oh my GOD    00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:28,246
oh my GOD    Gotta make trips to the bathroom
oh my GOD    just to wipe my ass.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    314
oh my GOD    00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,698
oh my GOD    How does this happen already?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    315
oh my GOD    00:17:30,749 --> 00:17:32,417
oh my GOD    I'm 45.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    316
oh my GOD    00:17:32,451 --> 00:17:37,655
oh my GOD    Already, my asshole's just like,
oh my GOD    Just--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    317
oh my GOD    00:17:38,540 --> 00:17:40,425
oh my GOD    My asshole--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    318
oh my GOD    00:17:40,459 --> 00:17:44,161
oh my GOD    My asshole's like the waistband
oh my GOD    on old pajama bottoms,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    319
oh my GOD    00:17:44,179 --> 00:17:46,180
oh my GOD    Just kinda...
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    320
oh my GOD    00:17:46,215 --> 00:17:48,516
oh my GOD    Loose and ineffectual.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    321
oh my GOD    00:17:51,270 --> 00:17:55,640
oh my GOD    My asshole's like a bag
oh my GOD    of leaves that nobody tied up.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    322
oh my GOD    00:17:56,859 --> 00:18:02,396
oh my GOD    It's just sitting on the lawn,
oh my GOD    full and open,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    323
oh my GOD    00:18:02,448 --> 00:18:09,620
oh my GOD    Puking leaves onto the grass
oh my GOD    with every wisp of wind.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    324
oh my GOD    00:18:09,655 --> 00:18:13,241
oh my GOD    Some kid kicks it over
oh my GOD    on his way home
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    325
oh my GOD    00:18:13,292 --> 00:18:16,878
oh my GOD    From a tough day
oh my GOD    at middle school.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    326
oh my GOD    00:18:16,912 --> 00:18:19,464
oh my GOD    rats.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    327
oh my GOD    00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:26,637
oh my GOD    That's a pretty accurate
oh my GOD    description of my asshole.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    328
oh my GOD    00:18:26,672 --> 00:18:28,556
oh my GOD    Here's another thing
oh my GOD    about my age right now.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    329
oh my GOD    00:18:28,590 --> 00:18:30,842
oh my GOD    If I'm--
oh my GOD    ok. Say I'm sitting down.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    330
oh my GOD    00:18:30,876 --> 00:18:34,762
oh my GOD    If I'm sitting anywhere,
oh my GOD    which--ha ha ha!--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    331
oh my GOD    00:18:34,813 --> 00:18:37,181
oh my GOD    I love sitting so much--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    332
oh my GOD    00:18:37,215 --> 00:18:39,216
oh my GOD    I would take sitting
oh my GOD    and doing nothing
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    333
oh my GOD    00:18:39,234 --> 00:18:41,736
oh my GOD    To standing and fucking any day.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    334
oh my GOD    00:18:41,770 --> 00:18:46,190
oh my GOD    This is way better than coming.
oh my GOD    This is way better.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    335
oh my GOD    00:18:49,611 --> 00:18:51,162
oh my GOD    This is what--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    336
oh my GOD    00:18:51,196 --> 00:18:53,247
oh my GOD    At my age, if I'm sitting down
oh my GOD    and somebody tells me
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    337
oh my GOD    00:18:53,282 --> 00:18:55,867
oh my GOD    I need to get up
oh my GOD    and go to another room,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    338
oh my GOD    00:18:55,901 --> 00:19:01,255
oh my GOD    I need to be told
oh my GOD    all the information why first.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    339
oh my GOD    00:19:01,290 --> 00:19:03,574
oh my GOD    You gotta explain
oh my GOD    all that shit to me.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    340
oh my GOD    00:19:03,592 --> 00:19:07,411
oh my GOD    "what? Why do I--
no. Why, though?"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    341
oh my GOD    00:19:07,429 --> 00:19:09,213
oh my GOD    "your car is being towed
right now!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    342
oh my GOD    00:19:09,247 --> 00:19:13,050
oh my GOD    "well, that's what happens
to me, then. That's--

343
00:19:13,084 --> 00:19:16,437
I accept that."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    344
oh my GOD    00:19:16,471 --> 00:19:18,973
oh my GOD    'cause getting up
oh my GOD    is a whole thing.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    345
oh my GOD    00:19:19,024 --> 00:19:20,391
oh my GOD    It means first,
oh my GOD    I have to decide,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    346
oh my GOD    00:19:20,425 --> 00:19:22,777
oh my GOD    "do I really want
to be alive anymore?"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    347
oh my GOD    00:19:22,811 --> 00:19:27,365
oh my GOD    Like, let's start with that,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    348
oh my GOD    00:19:27,399 --> 00:19:32,403
oh my GOD    And then I gotta, "" start
oh my GOD    kind of rocking to get momentum,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    349
oh my GOD    00:19:32,437 --> 00:19:38,108
oh my GOD     like I'm trying to get
oh my GOD    an old honda out of a snow bank.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    350
oh my GOD    00:19:51,122 --> 00:19:54,291
oh my GOD    shit.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    351
oh my GOD    00:19:55,627 --> 00:19:58,179
oh my GOD    The worst part of my day,
oh my GOD    worst part of every day
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    352
oh my GOD    00:19:58,230 --> 00:20:01,933
oh my GOD    Of my life, is when
oh my GOD    I have to put on my socks.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    353
oh my GOD    00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:03,935
oh my GOD    Putting on my socks
oh my GOD    is the worst part
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    354
oh my GOD    00:20:03,969 --> 00:20:06,771
oh my GOD    Of every day,
oh my GOD    and it always will be.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    355
oh my GOD    00:20:06,805 --> 00:20:09,740
oh my GOD    Even if I have a terrible day
oh my GOD    in the future
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    356
oh my GOD    00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:16,747
oh my GOD    Where my grandmother is murdered
oh my GOD    by my other grandmother,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    357
oh my GOD    00:20:16,782 --> 00:20:19,834
oh my GOD    If that ever happened to me,
oh my GOD    the worst part of that day
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    358
oh my GOD    00:20:19,868 --> 00:20:24,288
oh my GOD    Will be when I put on
oh my GOD    my socks because--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    359
oh my GOD    00:20:24,322 --> 00:20:26,707
oh my GOD    Putting on my socks,
oh my GOD    that means I have to--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    360
oh my GOD    00:20:26,758 --> 00:20:27,758
oh my GOD    Here's what I have to do.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    361
oh my GOD    00:20:27,793 --> 00:20:31,328
oh my GOD    I have to get my hands
oh my GOD    past my pointed toe.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    362
oh my GOD    00:20:31,346 --> 00:20:33,848
oh my GOD    I don't even know how I do it.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    363
oh my GOD    00:20:33,882 --> 00:20:37,184
oh my GOD    I'm sitting here.
oh my GOD    I don't know how I do that.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    364
oh my GOD    00:20:37,219 --> 00:20:38,519
oh my GOD    It's 'cause you have to--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    365
oh my GOD    00:20:38,553 --> 00:20:45,943
oh my GOD    It's like folding
oh my GOD    a bowling ball in half.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    366
oh my GOD    00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:47,862
oh my GOD    Soon as I start, I can feel--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    367
oh my GOD    00:20:47,896 --> 00:20:51,649
oh my GOD    I'm pushing all the fat up
oh my GOD    into my vital organs,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    368
oh my GOD    00:20:51,683 --> 00:20:53,484
oh my GOD    And I just feel
oh my GOD    all the systems failing.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    369
oh my GOD    00:20:53,518 --> 00:20:54,652
oh my GOD    beep, beep, beep!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    370
oh my GOD    00:20:57,456 --> 00:21:00,992
oh my GOD    And I have to, like, lay on
oh my GOD    my back like an eight-year-old
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    371
oh my GOD    00:21:01,026 --> 00:21:03,878
oh my GOD    And go like this,
oh my GOD    and I start passing out.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    372
oh my GOD    00:21:11,586 --> 00:21:16,040
oh my GOD    And I know
oh my GOD    other people's lives are hard.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    373
oh my GOD    00:21:16,058 --> 00:21:20,428
oh my GOD    Ha ha ha!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    374
oh my GOD    00:21:20,479 --> 00:21:23,597
oh my GOD    I know.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    375
oh my GOD    00:21:23,649 --> 00:21:26,817
oh my GOD    I saw an interview on tv
oh my GOD    with michael j. Fox,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    376
oh my GOD    00:21:26,852 --> 00:21:29,103
oh my GOD    And he has parkinson's,
oh my GOD    and he was describing
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    377
oh my GOD    00:21:29,154 --> 00:21:30,988
oh my GOD    Brushing his teeth, and he said
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    378
oh my GOD    00:21:31,023 --> 00:21:34,058
oh my GOD    It takes him two hours a day,
oh my GOD    and he said it's agony,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    379
oh my GOD    00:21:34,076 --> 00:21:36,827
oh my GOD    And I saw this and I thought,
oh my GOD    ok. That's hard.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    380
oh my GOD    00:21:36,862 --> 00:21:38,829
oh my GOD    That is hard,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    381
oh my GOD    00:21:38,864 --> 00:21:42,033
oh my GOD    And so is putting on my socks.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    382
oh my GOD    00:21:43,585 --> 00:21:45,586
oh my GOD    Sorry, michael.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    383
oh my GOD    00:21:45,620 --> 00:21:48,873
oh my GOD    Doesn't make it easier to know
oh my GOD    about your thing.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    384
oh my GOD    00:21:48,907 --> 00:21:50,240
oh my GOD    Tell you what.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    385
oh my GOD    00:21:50,258 --> 00:21:54,411
oh my GOD    I'll help you brush your teeth,
oh my GOD    you help me with the socks.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    386
oh my GOD    00:21:54,429 --> 00:21:56,931
oh my GOD    I don't know.
oh my GOD    I like getting older, though.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    387
oh my GOD    00:21:56,965 --> 00:21:59,517
oh my GOD    Life is an education, and
oh my GOD    if you're older, you're smarter.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    388
oh my GOD    00:21:59,551 --> 00:22:00,768
oh my GOD    I just believe that.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    389
oh my GOD    00:22:00,802 --> 00:22:02,103
oh my GOD    If you're in an argument
oh my GOD    with somebody
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    390
oh my GOD    00:22:02,137 --> 00:22:04,138
oh my GOD    And they're older than you,
oh my GOD    you should listen to them.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    391
oh my GOD    00:22:04,189 --> 00:22:05,756
oh my GOD    It doesn't mean they're right.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    392
oh my GOD    00:22:05,774 --> 00:22:07,274
oh my GOD    It means that
oh my GOD    even if they're wrong,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    393
oh my GOD    00:22:07,309 --> 00:22:11,278
oh my GOD    Their wrongness is rooted in
oh my GOD    more information than you have.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    394
oh my GOD    00:22:11,313 --> 00:22:14,615
oh my GOD    They've been there longer.
oh my GOD    If you're older, you're smarter.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    395
oh my GOD    00:22:14,649 --> 00:22:17,068
oh my GOD    How many people here,
oh my GOD    by applause, are 45 or older?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    396
oh my GOD    00:22:17,102 --> 00:22:18,652
oh my GOD    45 or older, applaud.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    397
oh my GOD    00:22:20,122 --> 00:22:21,956
oh my GOD    Ok.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    398
oh my GOD    00:22:21,990 --> 00:22:27,111
oh my GOD    That's about 60 people
oh my GOD    out of 2,400.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    399
oh my GOD    00:22:27,129 --> 00:22:30,948
oh my GOD    Here's the interesting thing.
oh my GOD    There's way more. I can see you.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    400
oh my GOD    00:22:30,966 --> 00:22:33,551
oh my GOD    There's so many more.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    401
oh my GOD    00:22:33,585 --> 00:22:34,952
oh my GOD    This is arizona.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    402
oh my GOD    00:22:34,970 --> 00:22:38,055
oh my GOD    There are way more people
oh my GOD    in that demographic,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    403
oh my GOD    00:22:38,090 --> 00:22:40,290
oh my GOD    But they didn't clap.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    404
oh my GOD    00:22:40,308 --> 00:22:43,460
oh my GOD    Why? 'cause they're smart.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    405
oh my GOD    00:22:43,478 --> 00:22:45,262
oh my GOD    They're sitting in the dark
oh my GOD    going, "I don't have to clap.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    406
oh my GOD    00:22:45,296 --> 00:22:47,064
oh my GOD    I don't have to do anything."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    407
oh my GOD    00:22:47,099 --> 00:22:49,934
oh my GOD    They're not doing it,
oh my GOD    and they're right.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    408
oh my GOD    00:22:49,968 --> 00:22:52,803
oh my GOD    You know why?
oh my GOD    'cause never identify yourself.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    409
oh my GOD    00:22:52,821 --> 00:22:56,273
oh my GOD    Never. Are you crazy?
oh my GOD    You don't know why I'm asking.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    410
oh my GOD    00:22:56,307 --> 00:22:57,658
oh my GOD    How do you know what--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    411
oh my GOD    00:22:57,692 --> 00:22:59,693
oh my GOD    Ok. Burn them all.
oh my GOD    Burn everybody over 45.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    412
oh my GOD    00:22:59,745 --> 00:23:02,980
oh my GOD    How do you know
oh my GOD    I'm not gonna do that?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    413
oh my GOD    00:23:06,835 --> 00:23:09,653
oh my GOD    How many people here,
oh my GOD    by applause, are 40 or younger?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    414
oh my GOD    00:23:09,671 --> 00:23:11,038
oh my GOD    40 or younger, applaud.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    415
oh my GOD    00:23:12,340 --> 00:23:16,827
oh my GOD    That's every time.
oh my GOD    whoo! Whoo! every time.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    416
oh my GOD    00:23:16,845 --> 00:23:20,598
oh my GOD    That is a weird thing
oh my GOD    to celebrate
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    417
oh my GOD    00:23:20,632 --> 00:23:23,167
oh my GOD    In a room where you're
oh my GOD    not the only people here.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    418
oh my GOD    00:23:23,185 --> 00:23:24,852
oh my GOD    That's like going
oh my GOD    to a cancer ward--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    419
oh my GOD    00:23:24,886 --> 00:23:26,937
oh my GOD    "not me! Whoo!

420
00:23:26,972 --> 00:23:32,810
I don't have it!
I don't have it!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    421
oh my GOD    00:23:36,915 --> 00:23:40,034
oh my GOD    If you're older, you're smarter.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    422
oh my GOD    00:23:40,068 --> 00:23:45,022
oh my GOD    A 55-year-old garbage man
oh my GOD    is a million times smarter
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    423
oh my GOD    00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:49,026
oh my GOD    Than a 28-year-old
oh my GOD    with three ph.D.S,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    424
oh my GOD    00:23:49,044 --> 00:23:51,829
oh my GOD    Especially smarter than him,
oh my GOD    'cause this idiot
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    425
oh my GOD    00:23:51,863 --> 00:23:55,499
oh my GOD    Has been thinking about three
oh my GOD    things for, like, 15 years.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    426
oh my GOD    00:23:55,533 --> 00:23:58,469
oh my GOD    He's worthless.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    427
oh my GOD    00:23:58,503 --> 00:24:00,704
oh my GOD    The garbage man is 55.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    428
oh my GOD    00:24:00,722 --> 00:24:03,808
oh my GOD    He's had some experience.
oh my GOD    Things have happened to him.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    429
oh my GOD    00:24:03,842 --> 00:24:05,559
oh my GOD    He went to cape cod one summer.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    430
oh my GOD    00:24:05,594 --> 00:24:08,879
oh my GOD    He saw a dead guy
oh my GOD    floating in the motel pool.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    431
oh my GOD    00:24:12,767 --> 00:24:16,220
oh my GOD    He took a bus to montreal.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    432
oh my GOD    00:24:20,275 --> 00:24:23,577
oh my GOD    He got a hand job at a fair...
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    433
oh my GOD    00:24:25,914 --> 00:24:27,898
oh my GOD    From a miner.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    434
oh my GOD    00:24:33,088 --> 00:24:36,757
oh my GOD    I mean a miner.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    435
oh my GOD    00:24:36,791 --> 00:24:40,461
oh my GOD    Not a minor, a miner.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    436
oh my GOD    00:24:40,512 --> 00:24:44,748
oh my GOD    You understand? A miner.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    437
oh my GOD    00:24:44,766 --> 00:24:48,219
oh my GOD    A grown man who works in a mine
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    438
oh my GOD    00:24:48,253 --> 00:24:51,588
oh my GOD    With dirty hands
oh my GOD    jacked him off at a county fair.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    439
oh my GOD    00:24:51,606 --> 00:24:54,808
oh my GOD    That's what I'm saying happened
oh my GOD    to the 55-year-old.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    440
oh my GOD    00:24:54,860 --> 00:24:58,145
oh my GOD    You see?
oh my GOD    He's had some experience.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    441
oh my GOD    00:24:58,196 --> 00:24:59,930
oh my GOD    He knows more.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    442
oh my GOD    00:24:59,948 --> 00:25:01,815
oh my GOD    More has happened to him.
oh my GOD    He's seen more.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    443
oh my GOD    00:25:01,867 --> 00:25:02,933
oh my GOD    He's seen history.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    444
oh my GOD    00:25:02,951 --> 00:25:04,318
oh my GOD    He's witnessed history,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    445
oh my GOD    00:25:04,369 --> 00:25:05,953
oh my GOD    Even if it's not
oh my GOD    ancient history.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    446
oh my GOD    00:25:05,987 --> 00:25:08,822
oh my GOD    He saw nixon resign
oh my GOD    on live television.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    447
oh my GOD    00:25:08,874 --> 00:25:10,574
oh my GOD    Me and those few people
oh my GOD    that clapped,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    448
oh my GOD    00:25:10,608 --> 00:25:15,162
oh my GOD    We saw
oh my GOD    the president of america cry
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    449
oh my GOD    00:25:15,213 --> 00:25:18,499
oh my GOD    And then quit being
oh my GOD    the president.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    450
oh my GOD    00:25:18,550 --> 00:25:21,919
oh my GOD    That shit was crazy
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    451
oh my GOD    00:25:21,953 --> 00:25:24,889
oh my GOD    'cause none of us knew
oh my GOD    what was gonna happen next.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    452
oh my GOD    00:25:24,923 --> 00:25:26,056
oh my GOD    Today people are like,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    453
oh my GOD    00:25:26,091 --> 00:25:27,841
oh my GOD    "the president's
kind of disappointing."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    454
oh my GOD    00:25:27,893 --> 00:25:28,926
oh my GOD    Really?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    455
oh my GOD    00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:31,979
oh my GOD    Our president wept
oh my GOD    like an insane person
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    456
oh my GOD    00:25:32,013 --> 00:25:35,566
oh my GOD    And then got on a helicopter
oh my GOD    and flew away...
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    457
oh my GOD    00:25:41,940 --> 00:25:45,826
oh my GOD    And the whole nation
oh my GOD    just watched him go.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    458
oh my GOD    00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:03,427
oh my GOD    I like getting older, though,
oh my GOD    because for me,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    459
oh my GOD    00:26:03,461 --> 00:26:05,429
oh my GOD    The kind of guy I am,
oh my GOD    getting older
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    460
oh my GOD    00:26:05,463 --> 00:26:07,164
oh my GOD    Makes my life better, you know,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    461
oh my GOD    00:26:07,182 --> 00:26:10,050
oh my GOD    Like, my sex life,
oh my GOD    way better at 45,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    462
oh my GOD    00:26:10,101 --> 00:26:15,940
oh my GOD    Look, 'cause this situation
oh my GOD    is ok at 45.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    463
oh my GOD    00:26:15,974 --> 00:26:21,111
oh my GOD    This is not a fun kind
oh my GOD    of a 17-year-old to be.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    464
oh my GOD    00:26:21,146 --> 00:26:22,896
oh my GOD    And some people, their life
oh my GOD    is better when they're younger.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    465
oh my GOD    00:26:22,948 --> 00:26:25,783
oh my GOD    You know, young dudes,
oh my GOD    young, skinny dudes,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    466
oh my GOD    00:26:25,817 --> 00:26:30,237
oh my GOD    Best life in the world
oh my GOD    is being a young, skinny dude.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    467
oh my GOD    00:26:30,288 --> 00:26:32,122
oh my GOD    They don't have to do anything.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    468
oh my GOD    00:26:32,157 --> 00:26:34,124
oh my GOD    They just show up
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    469
oh my GOD    00:26:34,159 --> 00:26:38,829
oh my GOD    With a big adam's apple
oh my GOD    and a smelly t-shirt.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    470
oh my GOD    00:26:38,863 --> 00:26:42,249
oh my GOD    "hey, I'm here for the easy
pussy for the rest of my life."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    471
oh my GOD    00:26:49,207 --> 00:26:52,893
oh my GOD    "so where do I--
everywhere? Ok. Cool."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    472
oh my GOD    00:26:56,681 --> 00:27:00,401
oh my GOD    But for guys like me,
oh my GOD    this is not a fun youth.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    473
oh my GOD    00:27:00,435 --> 00:27:02,219
oh my GOD    It gets better.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    474
oh my GOD    00:27:02,237 --> 00:27:05,572
oh my GOD    I'd like to make one of those
oh my GOD    it gets better ads
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    475
oh my GOD    00:27:05,607 --> 00:27:08,325
oh my GOD    For just dumpy, young guys.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    476
oh my GOD    00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:11,695
oh my GOD    We could use a little help,
oh my GOD    a little encouragement,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    477
oh my GOD    00:27:11,729 --> 00:27:13,497
oh my GOD    Just somebody on tv,
oh my GOD    "listen, man.

478
00:27:13,531 --> 00:27:15,616
I know it's tough right now."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    479
oh my GOD    00:27:15,667 --> 00:27:19,453
oh my GOD    "you're vaguely heavy
with no face.

480
00:27:19,504 --> 00:27:23,791
you have zero value"
oh my GOD    on the sexual marketplace.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    481
oh my GOD    00:27:23,842 --> 00:27:28,045
oh my GOD    "you feel invisible to the girls
in school because you are,

482
00:27:28,079 --> 00:27:32,800
but it gets better"
oh my GOD    because you'll all grow up,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    483
oh my GOD    00:27:32,851 --> 00:27:35,886
oh my GOD    "and you pretty much look
just like this your whole life,

484
00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:37,438
and they don't."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    485
oh my GOD    00:27:37,472 --> 00:27:40,641
oh my GOD    "their options start running out
really fast,

486
00:27:40,692 --> 00:27:42,559
and you're gonna be there."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    487
oh my GOD    00:27:42,593 --> 00:27:44,978
oh my GOD    "as long as you stay
relatively employed and washed,

488
00:27:45,030 --> 00:27:48,098
you're gonna be amazing"
oh my GOD    in your 40s.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    489
oh my GOD    00:27:48,116 --> 00:27:49,366
oh my GOD    "you're gonna be--

490
00:27:49,401 --> 00:27:51,368
you're gonna be the branch"
oh my GOD    that she can grab
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    491
oh my GOD    00:27:51,403 --> 00:27:53,120
oh my GOD    "before she hits the ground.

492
00:27:53,154 --> 00:27:55,772
it's gonna be so great."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    493
oh my GOD    00:27:55,790 --> 00:28:00,377
oh my GOD    "it just takes time
for her circumstances

494
00:28:00,412 --> 00:28:03,213
to match your looks,"
oh my GOD    but it's gonna happen.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    495
oh my GOD    00:28:03,248 --> 00:28:05,499
oh my GOD    "it's gonna happen.

496
00:28:05,550 --> 00:28:07,084
when real shit matters,"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    497
oh my GOD    00:28:07,118 --> 00:28:10,787
oh my GOD    You're gonna be the sexiest
oh my GOD    motherfucker in the world."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    498
oh my GOD    00:28:10,805 --> 00:28:12,456
oh my GOD    It's just time.
oh my GOD    That's all it takes.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    499
oh my GOD    00:28:12,474 --> 00:28:13,891
oh my GOD    There's a formula to this.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    500
oh my GOD    00:28:13,925 --> 00:28:17,394
oh my GOD    It's pussy plus time
oh my GOD    over income squared.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    501
oh my GOD    00:28:26,071 --> 00:28:29,990
oh my GOD    Everybody has their time.
oh my GOD    Everybody has their time.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    502
oh my GOD    00:28:30,024 --> 00:28:32,910
oh my GOD    I mean, not everybody.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    503
oh my GOD    00:28:32,944 --> 00:28:36,697
oh my GOD    There are people out there who
oh my GOD    there's just nobody for them.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    504
oh my GOD    00:28:36,748 --> 00:28:39,816
oh my GOD    Yep.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    505
oh my GOD    00:28:39,834 --> 00:28:42,953
oh my GOD    People like to say things like,
oh my GOD    there's someone for everyone.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    506
oh my GOD    00:28:42,987 --> 00:28:45,339
oh my GOD    Nope!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    507
oh my GOD    00:28:45,373 --> 00:28:47,841
oh my GOD    Not at all true,
oh my GOD    and stop saying it
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    508
oh my GOD    00:28:47,876 --> 00:28:51,512
oh my GOD    'cause it's mean to people
oh my GOD    who never find anybody.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    509
oh my GOD    00:28:51,546 --> 00:28:52,963
oh my GOD    There are millions
oh my GOD    of people out there
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    510
oh my GOD    00:28:52,997 --> 00:28:55,549
oh my GOD    Who we've all
oh my GOD    unanimously decided,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    511
oh my GOD    00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:57,468
oh my GOD    They are light speed ugly
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    512
oh my GOD    00:28:57,502 --> 00:29:00,387
oh my GOD    And nobody kisses them
oh my GOD    on the lips, even.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    513
oh my GOD    00:29:00,438 --> 00:29:02,606
oh my GOD    Nobody touches their genitals
oh my GOD    their entire life.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    514
oh my GOD    00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:04,224
oh my GOD    They just wash it,
oh my GOD    and then they die.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    515
oh my GOD    00:29:04,275 --> 00:29:06,977
oh my GOD    That's all that happens,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    516
oh my GOD    00:29:07,011 --> 00:29:09,029
oh my GOD    aww, and if you're
oh my GOD    feeling bad for them,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    517
oh my GOD    00:29:09,063 --> 00:29:10,981
oh my GOD    You can go find one
oh my GOD    and fuck one tomorrow,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    518
oh my GOD    00:29:11,015 --> 00:29:16,120
oh my GOD    You can just solve the problem
oh my GOD    right there
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    519
oh my GOD    00:29:16,154 --> 00:29:20,190
oh my GOD    With all that kindness
oh my GOD    in your heart.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    520
oh my GOD    00:29:20,208 --> 00:29:24,461
oh my GOD    aww. well, go fuck one.
oh my GOD    nah. I didn't think so.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    521
oh my GOD    00:29:27,132 --> 00:29:29,383
oh my GOD    That's the one way
oh my GOD    we're all mean.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    522
oh my GOD    00:29:29,417 --> 00:29:34,555
oh my GOD    Nobody does that.
oh my GOD    Nobody fucks down, nobody.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    523
oh my GOD    00:29:34,589 --> 00:29:37,224
oh my GOD    People fuck up or across.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    524
oh my GOD    00:29:43,348 --> 00:29:45,182
oh my GOD    Some women fuck down
oh my GOD    because a guy
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    525
oh my GOD    00:29:45,216 --> 00:29:47,401
oh my GOD    Talked them into that it was up.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    526
oh my GOD    00:29:47,435 --> 00:29:52,489
oh my GOD    Some guy, "yeah. No. You should.
oh my GOD    I'm totally up. Yeah."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    527
oh my GOD    00:29:52,524 --> 00:29:55,359
oh my GOD    It's a weird selection process
oh my GOD    that we have.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    528
oh my GOD    00:29:55,393 --> 00:29:56,860
oh my GOD    Dating really is--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    529
oh my GOD    00:29:56,894 --> 00:29:58,495
oh my GOD    It's how we evolve, is dating.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    530
oh my GOD    00:29:58,530 --> 00:29:59,997
oh my GOD    It's how we
oh my GOD    choose each other,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    531
oh my GOD    00:30:00,031 --> 00:30:01,898
oh my GOD    And dating is a real drag
oh my GOD    for a lot of people,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    532
oh my GOD    00:30:01,916 --> 00:30:03,400
oh my GOD    But I always think
oh my GOD    it's a nice thing.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    533
oh my GOD    00:30:03,418 --> 00:30:04,701
oh my GOD    You know, when I see a date,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    534
oh my GOD    00:30:04,735 --> 00:30:06,753
oh my GOD    I'm always happy when I see
oh my GOD    a couple on a date
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    535
oh my GOD    00:30:06,788 --> 00:30:09,840
oh my GOD    'cause it means people
oh my GOD    are still trying, you know?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    536
oh my GOD    00:30:09,874 --> 00:30:10,907
oh my GOD    You see a couple on a date,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    537
oh my GOD    00:30:10,925 --> 00:30:12,926
oh my GOD    It means there's still
oh my GOD    courage out there.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    538
oh my GOD    00:30:12,961 --> 00:30:15,963
oh my GOD    That takes courage, to go
oh my GOD    on a date, for both sides,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    539
oh my GOD    00:30:16,014 --> 00:30:17,464
oh my GOD    Two very different kinds
oh my GOD    of courage.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    540
oh my GOD    00:30:17,515 --> 00:30:19,916
oh my GOD    The male courage,
oh my GOD    traditionally speaking,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    541
oh my GOD    00:30:19,934 --> 00:30:22,269
oh my GOD    Is that he decided to ask.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    542
oh my GOD    00:30:22,303 --> 00:30:24,254
oh my GOD    He went up to a random woman
oh my GOD    who he has no idea
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    543
oh my GOD    00:30:24,272 --> 00:30:25,589
oh my GOD    If she's gonna like him or not
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    544
oh my GOD    00:30:25,607 --> 00:30:27,441
oh my GOD    And he walked up to her
oh my GOD    terrified.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    545
oh my GOD    00:30:27,475 --> 00:30:28,775
oh my GOD    Everything in your body
oh my GOD    is telling you,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    546
oh my GOD    00:30:28,810 --> 00:30:30,444
oh my GOD    "just go the fuck home
and jerk off.

547
00:30:30,478 --> 00:30:33,780
Don't do this!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    548
oh my GOD    00:30:33,815 --> 00:30:38,318
oh my GOD    But he walked up and said,
oh my GOD    hi. Yes,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    549
oh my GOD    00:30:38,369 --> 00:30:40,204
oh my GOD    And she's like, ""
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    550
oh my GOD    00:30:40,238 --> 00:30:42,606
oh my GOD    "no, no, no. A second.
Give me a second,"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    551
oh my GOD    00:30:42,624 --> 00:30:46,043
oh my GOD    And you try to get through
oh my GOD    this membrane of, you know--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    552
oh my GOD    00:30:46,077 --> 00:30:47,377
oh my GOD    And then, if it works
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    553
oh my GOD    00:30:47,412 --> 00:30:49,329
oh my GOD    And you say,
oh my GOD    you wanna go out sometime?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    554
oh my GOD    00:30:49,380 --> 00:30:51,999
oh my GOD    Sometimes she'll say yes,
oh my GOD    and if she says yes,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    555
oh my GOD    00:30:52,050 --> 00:30:54,301
oh my GOD    That's her courage,
oh my GOD    and the courage it takes
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    556
oh my GOD    00:30:54,335 --> 00:30:58,255
oh my GOD    For a woman to say yes is
oh my GOD    beyond anything I can imagine.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    557
oh my GOD    00:30:58,289 --> 00:31:03,176
oh my GOD    A woman saying yes to a date
oh my GOD    with a man is literally insane
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    558
oh my GOD    00:31:03,228 --> 00:31:08,348
oh my GOD    And ill-advised,
oh my GOD    and the whole species' existence
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    559
oh my GOD    00:31:08,399 --> 00:31:11,968
oh my GOD    Counts on them doing it,
oh my GOD    and I don't know how they--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    560
oh my GOD    00:31:11,986 --> 00:31:14,938
oh my GOD    How do women still go out with
oh my GOD    guys when you consider the fact
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    561
oh my GOD    00:31:14,972 --> 00:31:18,492
oh my GOD    That there is no greater threat
oh my GOD    to women than men?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    562
oh my GOD    00:31:18,526 --> 00:31:22,162
oh my GOD    We're the number-one
oh my GOD    threat to women.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    563
oh my GOD    00:31:22,196 --> 00:31:25,165
oh my GOD    Globally and historically,
oh my GOD    we're the number-one cause
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    564
oh my GOD    00:31:25,199 --> 00:31:28,035
oh my GOD    Of injury and mayhem to women.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    565
oh my GOD    00:31:28,086 --> 00:31:31,038
oh my GOD    We're the worst thing
oh my GOD    that ever happens to them.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    566
oh my GOD    00:31:31,089 --> 00:31:32,756
oh my GOD    That's true.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    567
oh my GOD    00:31:32,790 --> 00:31:34,258
oh my GOD    You know what
oh my GOD    our number-one threat is?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    568
oh my GOD    00:31:34,292 --> 00:31:36,760
oh my GOD    Heart disease.
oh my GOD    That's the whole thing.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    569
oh my GOD    00:31:36,794 --> 00:31:40,013
oh my GOD    That's it, just our own heart
oh my GOD    going, "dude, I can't--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    570
oh my GOD    00:31:40,048 --> 00:31:42,015
oh my GOD    "you can't keep doing this.

571
00:31:42,050 --> 00:31:47,220
I told you three strokes ago
that this is not smart,"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    572
oh my GOD    00:31:47,272 --> 00:31:49,723
oh my GOD    But women still--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    573
oh my GOD    00:31:49,774 --> 00:31:52,609
oh my GOD    "yeah. I'll go out with you
alone at night."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    574
oh my GOD    00:31:52,644 --> 00:31:55,896
oh my GOD    What are you, nuts?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    575
oh my GOD    00:31:55,947 --> 00:31:58,649
oh my GOD    "I'll get in your car with you
with my little shoulders.

576
00:31:58,683 --> 00:32:00,350
Hi. Where are we going?"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    577
oh my GOD    00:32:00,368 --> 00:32:05,021
oh my GOD    to your death, statistically.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    578
oh my GOD    00:32:05,039 --> 00:32:08,659
oh my GOD    How do they still do it?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    579
oh my GOD    00:32:08,693 --> 00:32:11,695
oh my GOD    If you're a guy, try to imagine
oh my GOD    that you could only date
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    580
oh my GOD    00:32:11,713 --> 00:32:14,715
oh my GOD    A half-bear, half-lion,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    581
oh my GOD    00:32:14,749 --> 00:32:18,418
oh my GOD    And you're like,
oh my GOD    "I hope this one's nice.

582
00:32:18,469 --> 00:32:22,139
I hope he doesn't do
what he's going to do."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    583
oh my GOD    00:32:29,564 --> 00:32:32,065
oh my GOD    I always--
oh my GOD    I love when I see a date.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    584
oh my GOD    00:32:32,100 --> 00:32:34,101
oh my GOD    You know, when you see a date,
oh my GOD    you can tell it's the first date
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    585
oh my GOD    00:32:34,152 --> 00:32:36,069
oh my GOD    'cause of the way they're
oh my GOD    walking together
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    586
oh my GOD    00:32:36,104 --> 00:32:38,822
oh my GOD    And she's looking up at his face
oh my GOD    trying to figure him out,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    587
oh my GOD    00:32:38,856 --> 00:32:42,225
oh my GOD    And he's just a mess.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    588
oh my GOD    00:32:42,243 --> 00:32:46,747
oh my GOD    A guy on a first date
oh my GOD    just has no actual personality.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    589
oh my GOD    00:32:46,781 --> 00:32:48,898
oh my GOD    He's just a mishmash
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    590
oh my GOD    00:32:48,916 --> 00:32:52,285
oh my GOD    Of different kinds of dudes
oh my GOD    for a couple of seconds each,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    591
oh my GOD    00:32:52,337 --> 00:32:55,372
oh my GOD    Just anything, no cohesive--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    592
oh my GOD    00:32:55,406 --> 00:32:59,126
oh my GOD    Just like a ransom note
oh my GOD    cut out of a lot of magazines,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    593
oh my GOD    00:32:59,177 --> 00:33:00,761
oh my GOD    Just, you know, "well...
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    594
oh my GOD    00:33:00,795 --> 00:33:03,213
oh my GOD    "ha ha!

595
00:33:03,247 --> 00:33:04,598
well, yes. I think so, too."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    596
oh my GOD    00:33:04,632 --> 00:33:06,383
oh my GOD    Ha ha! Rrgh..."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    597
oh my GOD    00:33:06,417 --> 00:33:09,052
oh my GOD    Whatever, just like
oh my GOD    a blind dick in space
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    598
oh my GOD    00:33:09,086 --> 00:33:12,639
oh my GOD    Just thrusting
oh my GOD    in infinite directions
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    599
oh my GOD    00:33:12,690 --> 00:33:18,445
oh my GOD    Hoping to find pay dirt
oh my GOD    at someplace,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    600
oh my GOD    00:33:18,479 --> 00:33:20,364
oh my GOD    And then sometimes
oh my GOD    you see a date
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    601
oh my GOD    00:33:20,398 --> 00:33:22,265
oh my GOD    That's later down the line
oh my GOD    and something has happened.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    602
oh my GOD    00:33:22,300 --> 00:33:23,767
oh my GOD    There's something
oh my GOD    that happens in a date
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    603
oh my GOD    00:33:23,785 --> 00:33:25,736
oh my GOD    That I never get to witness
oh my GOD    'cause women do this.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    604
oh my GOD    00:33:25,770 --> 00:33:27,120
oh my GOD    They get to do it inside.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    605
oh my GOD    00:33:27,155 --> 00:33:29,706
oh my GOD    They get to just decide quietly,
oh my GOD    I'm gonna let him fuck me.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    606
oh my GOD    00:33:29,741 --> 00:33:30,791
oh my GOD    They just get to decide.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    607
oh my GOD    00:33:30,825 --> 00:33:32,492
oh my GOD    Something he says,
oh my GOD    and she's like,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    608
oh my GOD    00:33:32,543 --> 00:33:34,294
oh my GOD    "that was good.
He's gonna fuck me later,"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    609
oh my GOD    00:33:34,328 --> 00:33:36,797
oh my GOD    And he has no idea.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    610
oh my GOD    00:33:36,831 --> 00:33:38,832
oh my GOD    He's still, like,
oh my GOD    trying all this shit.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    611
oh my GOD    00:33:38,883 --> 00:33:43,170
oh my GOD    He still has no idea
oh my GOD    he's already in there.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    612
oh my GOD    00:33:48,092 --> 00:33:49,643
oh my GOD    Guys are--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    613
oh my GOD    00:33:49,677 --> 00:33:51,478
oh my GOD    We love women a lot--
oh my GOD    all men do--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    614
oh my GOD    00:33:51,512 --> 00:33:52,962
oh my GOD    And we just look at you.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    615
oh my GOD    00:33:52,980 --> 00:33:54,398
oh my GOD    That's what I do.
oh my GOD    I just look at women.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    616
oh my GOD    00:33:54,432 --> 00:33:56,233
oh my GOD    I just--""
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    617
oh my GOD    00:33:56,267 --> 00:33:58,351
oh my GOD    Like they're, you know,
oh my GOD    cakes in windows.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    618
oh my GOD    00:33:58,403 --> 00:34:01,021
oh my GOD    I just--""
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    619
oh my GOD    00:34:01,072 --> 00:34:02,989
oh my GOD    I was walking in new york once,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    620
oh my GOD    00:34:03,024 --> 00:34:05,141
oh my GOD    And there's these two very cute
oh my GOD    women walking behind me,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    621
oh my GOD    00:34:05,159 --> 00:34:07,143
oh my GOD    And I was trying to walk slowly
oh my GOD    so I could hear
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    622
oh my GOD    00:34:07,161 --> 00:34:09,196
oh my GOD    What they were saying
oh my GOD    to each other, you know,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    623
oh my GOD    00:34:09,247 --> 00:34:11,648
oh my GOD    'cause they were cute,
oh my GOD    so I wanted to hear them,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    624
oh my GOD    00:34:11,666 --> 00:34:14,618
oh my GOD    Like that's gonna help me
oh my GOD    in any way, to hear their--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    625
oh my GOD    00:34:14,652 --> 00:34:16,036
oh my GOD    "don't you wish the guy
walking in front of us

626
00:34:16,087 --> 00:34:18,422
Would squeeze our tits
for, like, one second?"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    627
oh my GOD    00:34:26,330 --> 00:34:28,498
oh my GOD    Ok.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    628
oh my GOD    00:34:30,134 --> 00:34:31,685
oh my GOD    Here.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    629
oh my GOD    00:34:33,020 --> 00:34:35,839
oh my GOD    Here I go. Thank you.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    630
oh my GOD    00:34:40,361 --> 00:34:44,514
oh my GOD    It's really a flaw in men
oh my GOD    that we would all do that.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    631
oh my GOD    00:34:44,532 --> 00:34:47,567
oh my GOD    If you're a woman, you could ask
oh my GOD    any guy on planet earth,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    632
oh my GOD    00:34:47,618 --> 00:34:49,569
oh my GOD    "could you squeeze my tit
for one second?"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    633
oh my GOD    00:34:49,620 --> 00:34:54,023
oh my GOD    And 100% of us will go,
oh my GOD    yes, of course.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    634
oh my GOD    00:34:54,041 --> 00:34:55,742
oh my GOD    That doesn't matter.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    635
oh my GOD    00:34:55,793 --> 00:34:57,160
oh my GOD    I could be doing
oh my GOD    open heart surgery.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    636
oh my GOD    00:34:57,194 --> 00:34:58,745
oh my GOD    yeah. Ok.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    637
oh my GOD    00:34:58,796 --> 00:35:00,130
oh my GOD    Beep! "don't worry.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    638
oh my GOD    00:35:00,164 --> 00:35:02,833
oh my GOD    He's not your tits.
oh my GOD    Don't worry about it."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    639
oh my GOD    00:35:02,867 --> 00:35:04,801
oh my GOD    I don't know why
oh my GOD    we love tits so much.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    640
oh my GOD    00:35:04,836 --> 00:35:09,172
oh my GOD    Some people say it's because
oh my GOD    we breastfeed, but so do women,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    641
oh my GOD    00:35:09,206 --> 00:35:12,726
oh my GOD    Or, you know, baby women.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    642
oh my GOD    00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:17,397
oh my GOD    Not grown-up women,
oh my GOD    don't usually--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    643
oh my GOD    00:35:17,431 --> 00:35:19,816
oh my GOD    You don't see, like,
oh my GOD    a 68-year-old woman,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    644
oh my GOD    00:35:19,851 --> 00:35:23,887
oh my GOD    Like, a stately look--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    645
oh my GOD    00:35:23,905 --> 00:35:25,438
oh my GOD    You know, like sigourney weaver,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    646
oh my GOD    00:35:25,490 --> 00:35:29,075
oh my GOD    Like, sucking milk
oh my GOD    out of a young woman's tit.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    647
oh my GOD    00:35:33,030 --> 00:35:37,033
oh my GOD    "thank you, deborah.
I'll see you tomorrow at 2:00."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    648
oh my GOD    00:35:38,870 --> 00:35:41,338
oh my GOD    It's not usually the thing,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    649
oh my GOD    00:35:41,372 --> 00:35:44,257
oh my GOD    Is the elderly breastfeeding
oh my GOD    from the young,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    650
oh my GOD    00:35:44,292 --> 00:35:46,960
oh my GOD    Except for at the end
oh my GOD    of "the grapes of wrath,"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    651
oh my GOD    00:35:47,011 --> 00:35:49,129
oh my GOD    Which I don't mean
oh my GOD    to ruin that book for you,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    652
oh my GOD    00:35:49,180 --> 00:35:50,514
oh my GOD    But you should have read it
oh my GOD    by now.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    653
oh my GOD    00:35:50,548 --> 00:35:52,516
oh my GOD    I don't know if you read
oh my GOD    the grapes of wrath,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    654
oh my GOD    00:35:52,550 --> 00:35:55,802
oh my GOD    But that's how it ends,
oh my GOD    with an old, dying man
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    655
oh my GOD    00:35:55,853 --> 00:35:58,688
oh my GOD    Sucking milk
oh my GOD    out of a young girl's tits,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    656
oh my GOD    00:35:58,723 --> 00:36:02,392
oh my GOD    And then the book is over,
oh my GOD    and you're like,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    657
oh my GOD    00:36:02,426 --> 00:36:07,030
oh my GOD    "jesus! What happened
at the end there?

658
00:36:07,064 --> 00:36:09,649
That's crazy."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    659
oh my GOD    00:36:09,684 --> 00:36:11,568
oh my GOD    There's no other book
oh my GOD    in that genre.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    660
oh my GOD    00:36:11,602 --> 00:36:15,438
oh my GOD    There's no dense,
oh my GOD    historic classic
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    661
oh my GOD    00:36:15,456 --> 00:36:19,409
oh my GOD    That ends with a weird,
oh my GOD    porny paragraph at the very--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    662
oh my GOD    00:36:19,443 --> 00:36:22,546
oh my GOD    "and then anna karenina
shat on his chest."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    663
oh my GOD    00:36:22,580 --> 00:36:28,051
oh my GOD    holy moly with that!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    664
oh my GOD    00:36:28,085 --> 00:36:29,169
oh my GOD    the end.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    665
oh my GOD    00:36:29,220 --> 00:36:32,956
oh my GOD    "my god!

666
00:36:32,974 --> 00:36:36,893
that is a violent shift in tone"
oh my GOD    at the end of that book.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    667
oh my GOD    00:36:36,928 --> 00:36:39,295
oh my GOD    I've been reading this book
oh my GOD    for three months."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    668
oh my GOD    00:36:43,651 --> 00:36:47,737
oh my GOD    But we do, we love tits,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    669
oh my GOD    00:36:47,772 --> 00:36:51,024
oh my GOD    And you always know a tit.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    670
oh my GOD    00:36:51,075 --> 00:36:53,476
oh my GOD    You always know a tit.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    671
oh my GOD    00:36:53,494 --> 00:36:55,528
oh my GOD    You know, like you ever been
oh my GOD    in a crowded place--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    672
oh my GOD    00:36:55,580 --> 00:36:59,983
oh my GOD    Like a subway or like,
oh my GOD    you know, a sports stadium--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    673
oh my GOD    00:37:00,001 --> 00:37:01,918
oh my GOD    And you're smooshed in
oh my GOD    with other people
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    674
oh my GOD    00:37:01,953 --> 00:37:04,320
oh my GOD    And your elbow touches a tit
oh my GOD    behind you, you're like,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    675
oh my GOD    00:37:04,338 --> 00:37:05,705
oh my GOD    "that's a tit.
I just touched it.

676
00:37:05,756 --> 00:37:08,825
I know that was a tit.
I know it!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    677
oh my GOD    00:37:08,843 --> 00:37:12,512
oh my GOD    Because the sensitivity
oh my GOD    of the male elbow
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    678
oh my GOD    00:37:12,546 --> 00:37:18,101
oh my GOD    To tit flesh specifically
oh my GOD    is unbelievable, just to tits,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    679
oh my GOD    00:37:18,135 --> 00:37:21,271
oh my GOD    'cause you could drive a tack
oh my GOD    in there, I'm not gonna feel it,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    680
oh my GOD    00:37:21,305 --> 00:37:23,139
oh my GOD    But a tit--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    681
oh my GOD    00:37:23,173 --> 00:37:26,676
oh my GOD    Through a shirt and a sweater
oh my GOD    and a jacket
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    682
oh my GOD    00:37:26,694 --> 00:37:31,197
oh my GOD    And her jacket, sweater,
oh my GOD    shirt and bra, somehow...
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    683
oh my GOD    00:37:31,232 --> 00:37:34,567
oh my GOD    "it's a tit! I touched a tit!

684
00:37:34,619 --> 00:37:38,538
I touched a tit!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    685
oh my GOD    00:37:38,572 --> 00:37:43,209
oh my GOD    I touched one tit. One tit."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    686
oh my GOD    00:37:43,244 --> 00:37:46,579
oh my GOD    That's rare, to touch one tit.
oh my GOD    It's like a four-leaf clover.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    687
oh my GOD    00:37:50,918 --> 00:37:52,636
oh my GOD    Usually, you touch two.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    688
oh my GOD    00:37:52,670 --> 00:37:54,871
oh my GOD    The only time you touch one tit
oh my GOD    is when it was an accident
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    689
oh my GOD    00:37:54,889 --> 00:37:57,390
oh my GOD    Or you didn't have permission,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    690
oh my GOD    00:37:57,425 --> 00:38:01,177
oh my GOD    But otherwise...
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    691
oh my GOD    00:38:01,211 --> 00:38:03,563
oh my GOD    When tit access is granted,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    692
oh my GOD    00:38:03,597 --> 00:38:06,215
oh my GOD    It's usually good
oh my GOD    for two tits at a time.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    693
oh my GOD    00:38:06,233 --> 00:38:08,401
oh my GOD    It's, once you're on one--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    694
oh my GOD    00:38:08,436 --> 00:38:12,355
oh my GOD    You really have to screw up
oh my GOD    really badly and quickly
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    695
oh my GOD    00:38:12,389 --> 00:38:16,943
oh my GOD    To lose tit access
oh my GOD    between tits one and two.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    696
oh my GOD    00:38:16,994 --> 00:38:20,530
oh my GOD    You must have said something
oh my GOD    really dumb on the first tit
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    697
oh my GOD    00:38:20,564 --> 00:38:22,916
oh my GOD    That you didn't get
oh my GOD    the second one.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    698
oh my GOD    00:38:22,950 --> 00:38:28,538
oh my GOD    "yeah, it's like your mom's
dirty whore tit."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    699
oh my GOD    00:38:28,572 --> 00:38:30,874
oh my GOD    "why? What? I said I liked it.

700
00:38:30,908 --> 00:38:33,176
that's what I meant,"
oh my GOD    is that I like it.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    701
oh my GOD    00:38:33,210 --> 00:38:36,713
oh my GOD    "I like your mom's
dirty whore tit,

702
00:38:36,747 --> 00:38:40,133
And I like yours,"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    703
oh my GOD    00:38:40,184 --> 00:38:43,053
oh my GOD    And if it's up to the guy,
oh my GOD    we're gonna touch both tits.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    704
oh my GOD    00:38:43,087 --> 00:38:45,021
oh my GOD    No guy touches a tit
oh my GOD    and then goes, "you know what?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    705
oh my GOD    00:38:45,056 --> 00:38:48,391
oh my GOD    "I'm good with the one.
That's fine for me.

706
00:38:48,425 --> 00:38:51,594
Everything in moderation."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    707
oh my GOD    00:38:51,612 --> 00:38:53,279
oh my GOD    We're gonna touch both,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    708
oh my GOD    00:38:53,314 --> 00:38:56,099
oh my GOD    Even if something terrible
oh my GOD    happens in the middle of--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    709
oh my GOD    00:38:56,117 --> 00:38:57,867
oh my GOD    yeah--
oh my GOD    there's a bomb!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    710
oh my GOD    00:38:57,902 --> 00:38:59,903
oh my GOD    "shit! Come on, let's get--

711
00:38:59,937 --> 00:39:02,789
come on!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    712
oh my GOD    00:39:02,823 --> 00:39:06,109
oh my GOD    Let's get your tits
oh my GOD    out of here!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    713
oh my GOD    00:39:08,879 --> 00:39:10,880
oh my GOD    I've seen a few tits.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    714
oh my GOD    00:39:10,915 --> 00:39:13,466
oh my GOD    I've seen--I don't know--
oh my GOD    48 maybe.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    715
oh my GOD    00:39:13,501 --> 00:39:16,586
oh my GOD    I don't know.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    716
oh my GOD    00:39:16,620 --> 00:39:19,556
oh my GOD    I had my history
oh my GOD    in my life, you know?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    717
oh my GOD    00:39:19,590 --> 00:39:21,474
oh my GOD    I've been divorced
oh my GOD    for five years,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    718
oh my GOD    00:39:21,509 --> 00:39:23,510
oh my GOD    And it's been the best part
oh my GOD    of my life, being divorced,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    719
oh my GOD    00:39:23,561 --> 00:39:25,979
oh my GOD    Easily my favorite part
oh my GOD    of my life.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    720
oh my GOD    00:39:26,013 --> 00:39:27,480
oh my GOD    I love being divorced.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    721
oh my GOD    00:39:27,515 --> 00:39:29,149
oh my GOD    Every year has been
oh my GOD    better than the last.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    722
oh my GOD    00:39:29,183 --> 00:39:30,433
oh my GOD    That is the only time
oh my GOD    I can say that about,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    723
oh my GOD    00:39:30,467 --> 00:39:32,569
oh my GOD    And by the way, I'm not saying
oh my GOD    don't get married.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    724
oh my GOD    00:39:32,603 --> 00:39:34,988
oh my GOD    If you meet somebody,
oh my GOD    fall in love and get married,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    725
oh my GOD    00:39:35,022 --> 00:39:37,190
oh my GOD    And then get divorced
oh my GOD    because that's the best part.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    726
oh my GOD    00:39:37,241 --> 00:39:39,409
oh my GOD    It's the best part.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    727
oh my GOD    00:39:39,443 --> 00:39:43,363
oh my GOD    Marriage is just like a larva
oh my GOD    stage for true happiness,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    728
oh my GOD    00:39:43,414 --> 00:39:45,314
oh my GOD    Which is divorce,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    729
oh my GOD    00:39:45,332 --> 00:39:48,818
oh my GOD    Because you just let go
oh my GOD    and everything's fine now.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    730
oh my GOD    00:39:48,836 --> 00:39:53,423
oh my GOD    Divorce is forever.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    731
oh my GOD    00:39:53,457 --> 00:39:56,325
oh my GOD    It really actually is.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    732
oh my GOD    00:39:56,343 --> 00:39:59,846
oh my GOD    Marriage is for how long
oh my GOD    you can hack it,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    733
oh my GOD    00:39:59,880 --> 00:40:05,051
oh my GOD    But divorce just gets stronger
oh my GOD    like a piece of oak.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    734
oh my GOD    00:40:05,102 --> 00:40:08,138
oh my GOD    Nobody ever says, "
oh my GOD    my divorce is falling apart.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    735
oh my GOD    00:40:08,172 --> 00:40:12,058
oh my GOD    It's over. I can't take it."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    736
oh my GOD    00:40:12,109 --> 00:40:14,510
oh my GOD    And again, if you're
oh my GOD    in a good marriage, stay in it.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    737
oh my GOD    00:40:14,528 --> 00:40:17,147
oh my GOD    If you're in the best marriage
oh my GOD    ever, stay in it.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    738
oh my GOD    00:40:17,181 --> 00:40:19,616
oh my GOD    I'm just saying, if you got out,
oh my GOD    it would be better.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    739
oh my GOD    00:40:19,650 --> 00:40:21,568
oh my GOD    That's just a fact. I'm sorry.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    740
oh my GOD    00:40:21,619 --> 00:40:24,621
oh my GOD    I'm sorry, but it's true.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    741
oh my GOD    00:40:24,655 --> 00:40:26,355
oh my GOD    Everything's better.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    742
oh my GOD    00:40:26,373 --> 00:40:27,690
oh my GOD    My ex-wife and I,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    743
oh my GOD    00:40:27,708 --> 00:40:29,358
oh my GOD    This is the best part
oh my GOD    of our knowing each other.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    744
oh my GOD    00:40:29,376 --> 00:40:32,912
oh my GOD    We're good co-parents because
oh my GOD    we live apart and we're friends.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    745
oh my GOD    00:40:32,963 --> 00:40:34,831
oh my GOD    Our kids go to her
oh my GOD    half the week,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    746
oh my GOD    00:40:34,865 --> 00:40:37,083
oh my GOD    They come to me half the week,
oh my GOD    and I'm a good father.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    747
oh my GOD    00:40:37,134 --> 00:40:39,669
oh my GOD    I'm an attentive, focused,
oh my GOD    and responsible father.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    748
oh my GOD    00:40:39,703 --> 00:40:41,054
oh my GOD    Do you know why?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    749
oh my GOD    00:40:41,088 --> 00:40:44,557
oh my GOD    'cause I get to say good-bye
oh my GOD    to these kids every week.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    750
oh my GOD    00:40:44,592 --> 00:40:46,810
oh my GOD    Are you shitting me?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    751
oh my GOD    00:40:46,844 --> 00:40:50,546
oh my GOD    It's like every parent's
oh my GOD    fantasy.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    752
oh my GOD    00:40:50,564 --> 00:40:55,218
oh my GOD    Who can't be a good father
oh my GOD    for half of every week?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    753
oh my GOD    00:40:55,236 --> 00:40:56,903
oh my GOD    No matter how bad it gets,
oh my GOD    every Wednesday,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    754
oh my GOD    00:40:56,937 --> 00:40:59,105
oh my GOD    I get to go, "good-bye, girls.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    755
oh my GOD    00:40:59,156 --> 00:41:00,690
oh my GOD    "daddy's gonna go upstairs
and pour whiskey

756
00:41:00,724 --> 00:41:03,943
All over his naked body
right now."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    757
oh my GOD    00:41:08,115 --> 00:41:10,950
oh my GOD    "I'm gonna lay in my own filth

758
00:41:11,001 --> 00:41:14,037
Until two seconds
before you come back here."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    759
oh my GOD    00:41:14,071 --> 00:41:17,373
oh my GOD    That's why I'm such a good dad.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    760
oh my GOD    00:41:21,578 --> 00:41:26,015
oh my GOD    My daughter was having
oh my GOD    a dance thing at her school.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    761
oh my GOD    00:41:26,050 --> 00:41:27,767
oh my GOD    They had this big dance.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    762
oh my GOD    00:41:27,801 --> 00:41:29,585
oh my GOD    Anyway, we all went,
oh my GOD    all the parents,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    763
oh my GOD    00:41:29,603 --> 00:41:31,304
oh my GOD    And everybody's there,
oh my GOD    and everybody's got their phone,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    764
oh my GOD    00:41:31,355 --> 00:41:32,939
oh my GOD    Every single parent.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    765
oh my GOD    00:41:32,973 --> 00:41:34,807
oh my GOD    It was an amazing thing to watch
oh my GOD    'cause kids are dancing
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    766
oh my GOD    00:41:34,859 --> 00:41:37,477
oh my GOD    And every parent
oh my GOD    is standing there like this.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    767
oh my GOD    00:41:37,528 --> 00:41:40,530
oh my GOD    Every single person
oh my GOD    was blocking their vision
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    768
oh my GOD    00:41:40,564 --> 00:41:44,484
oh my GOD    Of their actual child
oh my GOD    with their phone, and the kids--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    769
oh my GOD    00:41:44,535 --> 00:41:45,768
oh my GOD    I went over by the stage
oh my GOD    and the kids--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    770
oh my GOD    00:41:45,786 --> 00:41:49,372
oh my GOD    There's people holding ipads
oh my GOD    in front of their faces.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    771
oh my GOD    00:41:49,406 --> 00:41:52,441
oh my GOD    It looked like we're all in
oh my GOD    the witness protection program.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    772
oh my GOD    00:41:52,459 --> 00:41:55,578
oh my GOD    Like, the kids can't see
oh my GOD    their parents,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    773
oh my GOD    00:41:55,612 --> 00:41:58,998
oh my GOD    And everybody's watching
oh my GOD    a shitty movie
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    774
oh my GOD    00:41:59,049 --> 00:42:00,800
oh my GOD    Of something
oh my GOD    that's happening ten feet--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    775
oh my GOD    00:42:00,834 --> 00:42:03,720
oh my GOD    Like, look at your fucking kid.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    776
oh my GOD    00:42:03,754 --> 00:42:08,591
oh my GOD    The resolution on the kid is
oh my GOD    unbelievable if you just look.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    777
oh my GOD    00:42:08,625 --> 00:42:12,295
oh my GOD    It's totally hd.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    778
oh my GOD    00:42:12,313 --> 00:42:14,647
oh my GOD    Why are you taping this?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    779
oh my GOD    00:42:14,682 --> 00:42:17,150
oh my GOD    You're never gonna watch it.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    780
oh my GOD    00:42:17,184 --> 00:42:19,852
oh my GOD    In a million years,
oh my GOD    you're not gonna watch videos
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    781
oh my GOD    00:42:19,904 --> 00:42:22,021
oh my GOD    Of your kids doing shit
oh my GOD    you missed
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    782
oh my GOD    00:42:22,072 --> 00:42:24,774
oh my GOD    The first time it happened.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    783
oh my GOD    00:42:24,808 --> 00:42:26,910
oh my GOD    You don't watch it.
oh my GOD    You just put it on facebook.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    784
oh my GOD    00:42:26,944 --> 00:42:34,667
oh my GOD    "here, you watch it.
I wanna take a nap now."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    785
oh my GOD    00:42:34,702 --> 00:42:37,120
oh my GOD    And then you get to read
oh my GOD    all the comments.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    786
oh my GOD    00:42:37,154 --> 00:42:39,822
oh my GOD    "my god!

787
00:42:39,840 --> 00:42:43,459
it's so cute!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    788
oh my GOD    00:42:43,493 --> 00:42:46,462
oh my GOD    Ngaah!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    789
oh my GOD    00:42:49,183 --> 00:42:52,668
oh my GOD    And guess what?
oh my GOD    They're not watching it, either.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    790
oh my GOD    00:42:52,686 --> 00:42:54,670
oh my GOD    They're not watching the video.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    791
oh my GOD    00:42:54,688 --> 00:42:59,809
oh my GOD    These kids are dancing
oh my GOD    for no one.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    792
oh my GOD    00:42:59,843 --> 00:43:02,729
oh my GOD    Nobody watches the videos
oh my GOD    on your facebook.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    793
oh my GOD    00:43:02,780 --> 00:43:04,564
oh my GOD    They see the first frame
oh my GOD    of a kid and they go,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    794
oh my GOD    00:43:04,615 --> 00:43:08,484
oh my GOD    "that's very nice.
Ok. Back to this."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    795
oh my GOD    00:43:12,522 --> 00:43:15,541
oh my GOD    Nobody's watching your kids'
oh my GOD    videos on facebook,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    796
oh my GOD    00:43:15,576 --> 00:43:16,709
oh my GOD    I promise you.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    797
oh my GOD    00:43:16,744 --> 00:43:17,994
oh my GOD    I'll prove it to you.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    798
oh my GOD    00:43:18,028 --> 00:43:19,796
oh my GOD    Next time you tape
oh my GOD    your kid's dance,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    799
oh my GOD    00:43:19,830 --> 00:43:21,530
oh my GOD    Tape one second of it
oh my GOD    and then add
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    800
oh my GOD    00:43:21,548 --> 00:43:24,033
oh my GOD    20 minutes
oh my GOD    of just your own asshole.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    801
oh my GOD    00:43:24,051 --> 00:43:31,224
oh my GOD    Just go in the bathroom
oh my GOD    and just record your own anus
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    802
oh my GOD    00:43:31,258 --> 00:43:34,510
oh my GOD    Opening and closing
oh my GOD    for 20 minutes.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    803
oh my GOD    00:43:37,381 --> 00:43:39,599
oh my GOD    Tack it onto your kid dancing
oh my GOD    for a second.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    804
oh my GOD    00:43:39,650 --> 00:43:44,520
oh my GOD    Put that on facebook.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    805
oh my GOD    00:43:44,554 --> 00:43:45,822
oh my GOD    Everybody will write
oh my GOD    the same thing.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    806
oh my GOD    00:43:45,856 --> 00:43:50,076
oh my GOD    "that's adorable!

807
00:43:50,110 --> 00:43:53,579
I think I see a future star!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    808
oh my GOD    00:43:57,901 --> 00:44:00,036
oh my GOD    Don't tape shit on your--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    809
oh my GOD    00:44:00,070 --> 00:44:02,071
oh my GOD    Life is short.
oh my GOD    Life is very short.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    810
oh my GOD    00:44:02,089 --> 00:44:03,790
oh my GOD    I like life. I like it.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    811
oh my GOD    00:44:03,841 --> 00:44:06,042
oh my GOD    I feel like even if it ends up
oh my GOD    being short,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    812
oh my GOD    00:44:06,076 --> 00:44:09,262
oh my GOD    I got lucky to have it 'cause
oh my GOD    life is an amazing gift
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    813
oh my GOD    00:44:09,296 --> 00:44:12,581
oh my GOD    When you think about what
oh my GOD    you get with a basic life,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    814
oh my GOD    00:44:12,599 --> 00:44:16,419
oh my GOD    Not even a particularly
oh my GOD    lucky life or a healthy life.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    815
oh my GOD    00:44:16,437 --> 00:44:18,688
oh my GOD    If you have a life,
oh my GOD    that's an ama--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    816
oh my GOD    00:44:18,722 --> 00:44:20,356
oh my GOD    Here's your boilerplate deal
oh my GOD    with life.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    817
oh my GOD    00:44:20,391 --> 00:44:25,094
oh my GOD    This is basic cable,
oh my GOD    what you get when you get life.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    818
oh my GOD    00:44:25,112 --> 00:44:27,063
oh my GOD    You get to be on earth.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    819
oh my GOD    00:44:27,097 --> 00:44:30,616
oh my GOD    First of all--my god--
oh my GOD    what a location.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    820
oh my GOD    00:44:30,651 --> 00:44:34,287
oh my GOD    This is earth, and for trillions
oh my GOD    of miles in every direction,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    821
oh my GOD    00:44:34,321 --> 00:44:37,373
oh my GOD    It fucking sucks so bad.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    822
oh my GOD    00:44:37,408 --> 00:44:41,127
oh my GOD    It's so shitty that your eyes
oh my GOD    bolt out of your head
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    823
oh my GOD    00:44:41,161 --> 00:44:44,247
oh my GOD    'cause it sucks so bad.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    824
oh my GOD    00:44:44,281 --> 00:44:47,583
oh my GOD    You get to be on earth
oh my GOD    and look at shit,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    825
oh my GOD    00:44:47,617 --> 00:44:49,385
oh my GOD    As long as you're not blind
oh my GOD    or whatever it is.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    826
oh my GOD    00:44:49,420 --> 00:44:52,472
oh my GOD    You get to be here.
oh my GOD    You get to eat food.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    827
oh my GOD    00:44:52,506 --> 00:44:54,640
oh my GOD    You get to put bacon
oh my GOD    in your mouth.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    828
oh my GOD    00:44:54,675 --> 00:44:58,978
oh my GOD    I mean, when you have bacon
oh my GOD    in your mouth,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    829
oh my GOD    00:44:59,012 --> 00:45:02,348
oh my GOD    It doesn't matter
oh my GOD    who's president or anything,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    830
oh my GOD    00:45:02,399 --> 00:45:07,904
oh my GOD    You just--""
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    831
oh my GOD    00:45:07,938 --> 00:45:09,405
oh my GOD    Every time I'm eating bacon,
oh my GOD    I think,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    832
oh my GOD    00:45:09,440 --> 00:45:13,526
oh my GOD    I could die right now,
oh my GOD    and I mean it!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    833
oh my GOD    00:45:13,577 --> 00:45:15,161
oh my GOD    That's how good life is.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    834
oh my GOD    00:45:15,195 --> 00:45:16,996
oh my GOD    You get to--
oh my GOD    you get to fuck.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    835
oh my GOD    00:45:17,030 --> 00:45:19,165
oh my GOD    That's free if you're smart.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    836
oh my GOD    00:45:19,199 --> 00:45:25,204
oh my GOD    That comes with.
oh my GOD    That's part of the deal.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    837
oh my GOD    00:45:25,255 --> 00:45:27,340
oh my GOD    Where else are you gonna get
oh my GOD    that deal?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    838
oh my GOD    00:45:27,374 --> 00:45:32,995
oh my GOD    You get to put your dick
oh my GOD    in there and go in and out,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    839
oh my GOD    00:45:33,013 --> 00:45:36,682
oh my GOD    Pretty good,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    840
oh my GOD    00:45:36,717 --> 00:45:38,667
oh my GOD    And if you're a woman,
oh my GOD    you get to just lay back
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    841
oh my GOD    00:45:38,685 --> 00:45:40,470
oh my GOD    And just have a dick
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    842
oh my GOD    00:45:40,504 --> 00:45:44,724
oh my GOD    Just shoving
oh my GOD    in and out of you awkwardly
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    843
oh my GOD    00:45:44,775 --> 00:45:48,377
oh my GOD    Anytime you want,
oh my GOD    anytime you want.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    844
oh my GOD    00:45:55,235 --> 00:45:58,237
oh my GOD    If you're a gay man, you get to
oh my GOD    just fill your boyfriend's ass
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    845
oh my GOD    00:45:58,288 --> 00:46:03,292
oh my GOD    With your dick, just fill it
oh my GOD    all the way to the balls,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    846
oh my GOD    00:46:03,327 --> 00:46:08,548
oh my GOD    And it's nice and warm
oh my GOD    and tight in there,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    847
oh my GOD    00:46:08,582 --> 00:46:11,551
oh my GOD    And he's your buddy.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    848
oh my GOD    00:46:18,392 --> 00:46:20,226
oh my GOD    If you're a lesbian,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    849
oh my GOD    00:46:20,260 --> 00:46:23,596
oh my GOD    You get to do all the stuff
oh my GOD    they're doing, and...
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    850
oh my GOD    00:46:30,237 --> 00:46:31,771
oh my GOD    It's a great deal.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    851
oh my GOD    00:46:31,822 --> 00:46:33,356
oh my GOD    You get to eat. You get to fuck.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    852
oh my GOD    00:46:33,390 --> 00:46:35,992
oh my GOD    You get to read
oh my GOD    to kill a mockingbird.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    853
oh my GOD    00:46:36,026 --> 00:46:37,944
oh my GOD    It's a great life.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    854
oh my GOD    00:46:37,995 --> 00:46:42,231
oh my GOD    So, you know, I'm not worried
oh my GOD    about it ending.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    855
oh my GOD    00:46:42,249 --> 00:46:45,535
oh my GOD    It's pretty good,
oh my GOD    and I've wasted a lot of time
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    856
oh my GOD    00:46:45,569 --> 00:46:48,254
oh my GOD    Just being angry at people
oh my GOD    I don't know.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    857
oh my GOD    00:46:48,288 --> 00:46:51,958
oh my GOD    You know, it's amazing how nasty
oh my GOD    we can get as people,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    858
oh my GOD    00:46:52,009 --> 00:46:53,509
oh my GOD    Depending on the situation.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    859
oh my GOD    00:46:53,544 --> 00:46:57,380
oh my GOD    Like, most people are ok
oh my GOD    as long as they're ok,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    860
oh my GOD    00:46:57,414 --> 00:47:00,550
oh my GOD    But if you put people in certain
oh my GOD    contexts, they just change.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    861
oh my GOD    00:47:00,584 --> 00:47:05,087
oh my GOD    Like, when I'm in my car, I have
oh my GOD    a different set of values.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    862
oh my GOD    00:47:05,105 --> 00:47:09,725
oh my GOD    I am the worst person I can be
oh my GOD    when I'm behind the wheel,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    863
oh my GOD    00:47:09,759 --> 00:47:13,062
oh my GOD    Which is when I'm
oh my GOD    at my most dangerous.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    864
oh my GOD    00:47:13,096 --> 00:47:14,397
oh my GOD    When you're driving,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    865
oh my GOD    00:47:14,431 --> 00:47:16,532
oh my GOD    That's when you need to be
oh my GOD    the most compassionate
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    866
oh my GOD    00:47:16,567 --> 00:47:18,951
oh my GOD    And responsible of any other
oh my GOD    time in your life
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    867
oh my GOD    00:47:18,986 --> 00:47:23,239
oh my GOD    'cause you are fucking driving
oh my GOD    a weapon amongst weapons,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    868
oh my GOD    00:47:23,273 --> 00:47:26,158
oh my GOD    And yet it's the worst
oh my GOD    people get, and I am the worst.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    869
oh my GOD    00:47:26,210 --> 00:47:28,828
oh my GOD    One time, I was driving,
oh my GOD    and there was a guy ahead of me,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    870
oh my GOD    00:47:28,879 --> 00:47:32,281
oh my GOD    And he kind of--I don't know--
oh my GOD    sorta drifted into my lane
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    871
oh my GOD    00:47:32,299 --> 00:47:34,717
oh my GOD    For a second,
oh my GOD    and this came out of my mouth.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    872
oh my GOD    00:47:34,751 --> 00:47:38,120
oh my GOD    I said,
oh my GOD    worthless piece of shit.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    873
oh my GOD    00:47:43,393 --> 00:47:46,929
oh my GOD    I mean, what an indictment.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    874
oh my GOD    00:47:46,963 --> 00:47:50,850
oh my GOD    What kind of a way is that to
oh my GOD    feel about another human being?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    875
oh my GOD    00:47:50,901 --> 00:47:54,153
oh my GOD    worthless piece of shit?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    876
oh my GOD    00:47:54,187 --> 00:47:59,075
oh my GOD    That's somebody's son.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    877
oh my GOD    00:47:59,109 --> 00:48:01,477
oh my GOD    And things I've said
oh my GOD    to other people.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    878
oh my GOD    00:48:01,495 --> 00:48:03,479
oh my GOD    I was once driving, and some guy
oh my GOD    in a pickup truck did--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    879
oh my GOD    00:48:03,497 --> 00:48:05,948
oh my GOD    I don't remember, even--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    880
oh my GOD    00:48:05,982 --> 00:48:11,320
oh my GOD    And I yelled out my window,
oh my GOD    I said, "hey, fuck you!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    881
oh my GOD    00:48:11,338 --> 00:48:16,709
oh my GOD    Where outside of a car
oh my GOD    is that even nearly ok?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    882
oh my GOD    00:48:20,330 --> 00:48:23,049
oh my GOD    If you were in an elevator
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    883
oh my GOD    00:48:23,100 --> 00:48:26,218
oh my GOD    And you were, like, right next
oh my GOD    to a person's body
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    884
oh my GOD    00:48:26,270 --> 00:48:29,055
oh my GOD    And, whatever, like, he leaned
oh my GOD    into you a little bit,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    885
oh my GOD    00:48:29,106 --> 00:48:31,474
oh my GOD    Would you ever turn
oh my GOD    right to their face
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    886
oh my GOD    00:48:31,508 --> 00:48:34,610
oh my GOD    And go, "hey, fuck you!"?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    887
oh my GOD    00:48:39,733 --> 00:48:43,202
oh my GOD    worthless piece of shit!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    888
oh my GOD    00:48:46,206 --> 00:48:48,124
oh my GOD    No.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    889
oh my GOD    00:48:48,158 --> 00:48:51,327
oh my GOD    Literally zero people
oh my GOD    would ever do that,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    890
oh my GOD    00:48:51,361 --> 00:48:54,213
oh my GOD    But put a couple of pieces of
oh my GOD    glass and some road between you,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    891
oh my GOD    00:48:54,247 --> 00:48:56,966
oh my GOD    There's nothing you would not
oh my GOD    say to them.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    892
oh my GOD    00:48:57,000 --> 00:48:58,867
oh my GOD    I hope you die!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    893
oh my GOD    00:48:58,885 --> 00:49:01,671
oh my GOD    I said that to a person.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    894
oh my GOD    00:49:01,705 --> 00:49:04,256
oh my GOD    I hope you die!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    895
oh my GOD    00:49:04,308 --> 00:49:06,425
oh my GOD    Why? 'cause you made me
oh my GOD    go like this
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    896
oh my GOD    00:49:06,476 --> 00:49:10,313
oh my GOD    For half a second of my life.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    897
oh my GOD    00:49:10,347 --> 00:49:15,985
oh my GOD    You tested my reflexes,
oh my GOD    and it worked out fine!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    898
oh my GOD    00:49:16,019 --> 00:49:19,188
oh my GOD    So now I hope your kids
oh my GOD    grow up motherless!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    899
oh my GOD    00:49:22,726 --> 00:49:26,278
oh my GOD    I mean, what am I capable of?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    900
oh my GOD    00:49:29,032 --> 00:49:32,001
oh my GOD    I'd like to think
oh my GOD    that I'm a nice person,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    901
oh my GOD    00:49:32,035 --> 00:49:34,069
oh my GOD    But I don't know, man.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    902
oh my GOD    00:49:34,087 --> 00:49:37,256
oh my GOD    A lot of it is context.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    903
oh my GOD    00:49:37,290 --> 00:49:39,592
oh my GOD    There's a lot of things I wonder
oh my GOD    if the world was different.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    904
oh my GOD    00:49:39,626 --> 00:49:43,746
oh my GOD    Like, if murder was legal, I
oh my GOD    might have killed a few people.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    905
oh my GOD    00:49:43,764 --> 00:49:45,514
oh my GOD    I don't know.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    906
oh my GOD    00:49:45,549 --> 00:49:47,433
oh my GOD    I'd love to think,
oh my GOD    I would never do that,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    907
oh my GOD    00:49:47,467 --> 00:49:50,269
oh my GOD    But we really need the law
oh my GOD    against murder
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    908
oh my GOD    00:49:50,303 --> 00:49:52,254
oh my GOD    For one simple reason.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    909
oh my GOD    00:49:52,272 --> 00:49:54,023
oh my GOD    The law against murder
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    910
oh my GOD    00:49:54,057 --> 00:49:59,311
oh my GOD    Is the number-one thing
oh my GOD    preventing murder.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    911
oh my GOD    00:49:59,363 --> 00:50:00,696
oh my GOD    We'd like to think it's 'cause,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    912
oh my GOD    00:50:00,731 --> 00:50:02,281
oh my GOD    Like, "I would never
oh my GOD    do that."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    913
oh my GOD    00:50:02,315 --> 00:50:07,236
oh my GOD    No. It's 'cause it really sucks
oh my GOD    getting caught murdering, a lot.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    914
oh my GOD    00:50:07,270 --> 00:50:13,042
oh my GOD    If murder was legal,
oh my GOD    or just a misdemeanor--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    915
oh my GOD    00:50:13,076 --> 00:50:14,877
oh my GOD    Like you get a thing
oh my GOD    in the mail--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    916
oh my GOD    00:50:14,911 --> 00:50:16,545
oh my GOD    "shit, they had
a camera there.

917
00:50:16,580 --> 00:50:18,798
Well."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    918
oh my GOD    00:50:26,056 --> 00:50:30,726
oh my GOD    If murder was legal,
oh my GOD    there would be so much murder.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    919
oh my GOD    00:50:30,761 --> 00:50:33,312
oh my GOD    Regular people would murder.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    920
oh my GOD    00:50:33,346 --> 00:50:36,348
oh my GOD    Murderers would murder
oh my GOD    even more,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    921
oh my GOD    00:50:36,400 --> 00:50:38,484
oh my GOD    And then really nice,
oh my GOD    sweet people
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    922
oh my GOD    00:50:38,518 --> 00:50:41,136
oh my GOD    Would murder a few people,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    923
oh my GOD    00:50:41,154 --> 00:50:45,691
oh my GOD    But nobody would murder
oh my GOD    no people.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    924
oh my GOD    00:50:45,742 --> 00:50:48,143
oh my GOD    You wouldn't trust somebody
oh my GOD    who didn't murder
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    925
oh my GOD    00:50:48,161 --> 00:50:49,578
oh my GOD    If murder was legal.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    926
oh my GOD    00:50:49,613 --> 00:50:51,247
oh my GOD    You wouldn't like them.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    927
oh my GOD    00:50:51,281 --> 00:50:52,665
oh my GOD    I never killed anybody.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    928
oh my GOD    00:50:52,699 --> 00:50:57,453
oh my GOD    "ok. Nice meeting you.
Yecch, what a creep.

929
00:50:57,487 --> 00:50:59,455
I mean, not even a hooker?"
oh my GOD    Live a life.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    930
oh my GOD    00:50:59,489 --> 00:51:01,424
oh my GOD    "what's wrong with that guy?

931
00:51:01,458 --> 00:51:04,493
He's like a mormon or some shit.
I hate those guys."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    932
oh my GOD    00:51:07,297 --> 00:51:09,682
oh my GOD    I think he's nice.
oh my GOD    shut up, janet.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    933
oh my GOD    00:51:10,967 --> 00:51:14,804
oh my GOD    They would just--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    934
oh my GOD    00:51:14,838 --> 00:51:18,340
oh my GOD    If murder was legal,
oh my GOD    there would be a lot of murder.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    935
oh my GOD    00:51:18,358 --> 00:51:21,444
oh my GOD    Children would behave
oh my GOD    very differently
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    936
oh my GOD    00:51:21,478 --> 00:51:24,780
oh my GOD    Because mostly parents would be
oh my GOD    murdering their own kids,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    937
oh my GOD    00:51:24,815 --> 00:51:28,851
oh my GOD    That's mostly what would happen
oh my GOD    if murder was legal.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    938
oh my GOD    00:51:28,869 --> 00:51:30,536
oh my GOD    You know, you'd go to a mall,
oh my GOD    there'd be,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    939
oh my GOD    00:51:30,570 --> 00:51:32,371
oh my GOD    Like eight, different moms
oh my GOD    in the mall just--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    940
oh my GOD    00:51:32,405 --> 00:51:37,025
oh my GOD    "I told you to stop it!
You didn't listen to me!"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    941
oh my GOD    00:51:37,043 --> 00:51:38,210
oh my GOD    Just--pbbt!
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    942
oh my GOD    00:51:38,245 --> 00:51:39,411
oh my GOD    There'd be just--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    943
oh my GOD    00:51:39,463 --> 00:51:41,196
oh my GOD    You'd be stepping
oh my GOD    over dead kids.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    944
oh my GOD    00:51:41,214 --> 00:51:44,333
oh my GOD    There'd be, like, a new problem.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    945
oh my GOD    00:51:44,367 --> 00:51:46,635
oh my GOD    "you have to clean up your kids

946
00:51:46,670 --> 00:51:49,538
when you kill them"
oh my GOD    'cause it's gross.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    947
oh my GOD    00:51:49,556 --> 00:51:54,093
oh my GOD    "it's bad for the environment.

948
00:51:54,144 --> 00:51:55,978
if you murder your child"
oh my GOD    in a public place,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    949
oh my GOD    00:51:56,012 --> 00:52:01,600
oh my GOD    "please use one of the red bags
that are in the dispensers

950
00:52:01,651 --> 00:52:07,072
every three feet of america."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    951
oh my GOD    00:52:07,107 --> 00:52:09,441
oh my GOD    "put your murdered child
in the red bag

952
00:52:09,493 --> 00:52:12,528
with a logo"
oh my GOD    of a murdered kid on it
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    953
oh my GOD    00:52:12,562 --> 00:52:15,948
oh my GOD    "next to the other logo
that tells you

954
00:52:15,999 --> 00:52:19,869
not to let your alive kid play"
oh my GOD    with the plastic bag
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    955
oh my GOD    00:52:19,903 --> 00:52:22,171
oh my GOD    "because they might suffocate,

956
00:52:22,205 --> 00:52:26,375
In which case you could just
leave them in the bag."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    957
oh my GOD    00:52:35,135 --> 00:52:37,436
oh my GOD    That is a whole bunch
oh my GOD    of horrible thoughts
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    958
oh my GOD    00:52:37,470 --> 00:52:40,306
oh my GOD    Right in a row, right in a row.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    959
oh my GOD    00:52:40,357 --> 00:52:44,092
oh my GOD    That is a compressed area
oh my GOD    of bad thought.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    960
oh my GOD    00:52:47,314 --> 00:52:49,231
oh my GOD    You know, you have
oh my GOD    your bad thoughts.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    961
oh my GOD    00:52:49,265 --> 00:52:51,266
oh my GOD    Hopefully you do good things.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    962
oh my GOD    00:52:51,284 --> 00:52:53,369
oh my GOD    Everybody has a competition
oh my GOD    in their brain
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    963
oh my GOD    00:52:53,403 --> 00:52:54,954
oh my GOD    Of good thoughts
oh my GOD    and bad thoughts.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    964
oh my GOD    00:52:54,988 --> 00:52:57,156
oh my GOD    Hopefully,
oh my GOD    the good thoughts win.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    965
oh my GOD    00:52:57,207 --> 00:52:58,624
oh my GOD    For me, I always have both.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    966
oh my GOD    00:52:58,658 --> 00:53:00,576
oh my GOD    I have, like, the thing I
oh my GOD    believe, the good thing--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    967
oh my GOD    00:53:00,610 --> 00:53:03,879
oh my GOD    That's the thing I believe--
oh my GOD    and then there's this thing,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    968
oh my GOD    00:53:03,914 --> 00:53:07,883
oh my GOD    And I don't believe it,
oh my GOD    but it is there.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    969
oh my GOD    00:53:07,918 --> 00:53:11,420
oh my GOD    It's always this thing
oh my GOD    and then this thing.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    970
oh my GOD    00:53:11,454 --> 00:53:13,556
oh my GOD    It's become a category
oh my GOD    in my brain
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    971
oh my GOD    00:53:13,590 --> 00:53:16,625
oh my GOD    That I call, "of course...
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    972
oh my GOD    00:53:16,643 --> 00:53:19,461
oh my GOD    But maybe..."
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    973
oh my GOD    00:53:21,848 --> 00:53:27,019
oh my GOD    I'll give you an example, ok?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    974
oh my GOD    00:53:27,070 --> 00:53:32,024
oh my GOD    Like, of course children
oh my GOD    who have nut allergies
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    975
oh my GOD    00:53:32,075 --> 00:53:34,977
oh my GOD    Need to be protected, of course.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    976
oh my GOD    00:53:34,995 --> 00:53:37,613
oh my GOD    We have to segregate
oh my GOD    their food from nuts,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    977
oh my GOD    00:53:37,647 --> 00:53:39,665
oh my GOD    Have their medication available
oh my GOD    at all times,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    978
oh my GOD    00:53:39,699 --> 00:53:42,001
oh my GOD    And anybody who manufactures
oh my GOD    or serves food
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    979
oh my GOD    00:53:42,035 --> 00:53:47,957
oh my GOD    Needs to be aware of deadly
oh my GOD    nut allergies, of course,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    980
oh my GOD    00:53:47,991 --> 00:53:51,210
oh my GOD    But maybe...
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    981
oh my GOD    00:53:51,261 --> 00:53:54,930
oh my GOD    Maybe if touching a nut
oh my GOD    kills you,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    982
oh my GOD    00:53:54,965 --> 00:53:57,049
oh my GOD    You're supposed to die.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    983
oh my GOD    00:54:02,005 --> 00:54:04,139
oh my GOD    Of course not.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    984
oh my GOD    00:54:04,173 --> 00:54:07,843
oh my GOD    Of course not. Of course not.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    985
oh my GOD    00:54:07,861 --> 00:54:09,812
oh my GOD    Jesus.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    986
oh my GOD    00:54:09,846 --> 00:54:11,780
oh my GOD    I have a nephew who has that.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    987
oh my GOD    00:54:11,815 --> 00:54:14,316
oh my GOD    I'd be devastated if something
oh my GOD    happened to him,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    988
oh my GOD    00:54:14,350 --> 00:54:16,685
oh my GOD    But maybe...
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    989
oh my GOD    00:54:16,703 --> 00:54:19,989
oh my GOD    Maybe if we all just do this
oh my GOD    for one year,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    990
oh my GOD    00:54:20,023 --> 00:54:23,125
oh my GOD    We're done with nut allergies
oh my GOD    forever.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    991
oh my GOD    00:54:28,531 --> 00:54:32,885
oh my GOD    No. Of course not.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    992
oh my GOD    00:54:32,919 --> 00:54:35,203
oh my GOD    Of course, if you're fighting
oh my GOD    for your country
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    993
oh my GOD    00:54:35,221 --> 00:54:37,706
oh my GOD    And you get shot or hurt,
oh my GOD    it's a terrible tragedy,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    994
oh my GOD    00:54:37,724 --> 00:54:41,844
oh my GOD    Of course, of course...
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    995
oh my GOD    00:54:44,014 --> 00:54:46,214
oh my GOD    But maybe...
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    996
oh my GOD    00:54:46,232 --> 00:54:49,518
oh my GOD    Maybe if you pick up a gun
oh my GOD    and go to another country
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    997
oh my GOD    00:54:49,552 --> 00:54:53,322
oh my GOD    And you get shot,
oh my GOD    it's not that weird.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    998
oh my GOD    00:54:53,356 --> 00:54:57,609
oh my GOD    Maybe if you get shot by the
oh my GOD    dude you were just shooting at,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    999
oh my GOD    00:54:57,661 --> 00:55:00,496
oh my GOD    It's a tiny bit your fault.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1000
oh my GOD    00:55:11,741 --> 00:55:14,843
oh my GOD    Of course, of course slavery
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1001
oh my GOD    00:55:14,878 --> 00:55:18,347
oh my GOD    Is the worst thing
oh my GOD    that ever happened.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1002
oh my GOD    00:55:22,719 --> 00:55:24,887
oh my GOD    Listen, listen.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1003
oh my GOD    00:55:24,921 --> 00:55:27,890
oh my GOD    You all clapped for dead kids
oh my GOD    with the nuts.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1004
oh my GOD    00:55:27,924 --> 00:55:31,860
oh my GOD    For kids dying from nuts,
oh my GOD    you applauded,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1005
oh my GOD    00:55:31,895 --> 00:55:33,729
oh my GOD    So you're in this with me now.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1006
oh my GOD    00:55:33,763 --> 00:55:34,980
oh my GOD    Do you understand?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1007
oh my GOD    00:55:35,031 --> 00:55:37,933
oh my GOD    You don't get to cherry-pick.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1008
oh my GOD    00:55:37,951 --> 00:55:41,036
oh my GOD    Those kids did nothing to you.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1009
oh my GOD    00:55:43,907 --> 00:55:46,208
oh my GOD    Of course, of course slavery
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1010
oh my GOD    00:55:46,242 --> 00:55:49,128
oh my GOD    Is the worst thing
oh my GOD    that ever happened.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1011
oh my GOD    00:55:49,162 --> 00:55:51,463
oh my GOD    Of course it is,
oh my GOD    every time it's happened--
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1012
oh my GOD    00:55:51,498 --> 00:55:53,999
oh my GOD    Black people in america,
oh my GOD    jews in egypt.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1013
oh my GOD    00:55:54,050 --> 00:55:56,001
oh my GOD    Every time a whole race
oh my GOD    of people has been enslaved,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1014
oh my GOD    00:55:56,052 --> 00:56:01,256
oh my GOD    It's a terrible, horrible thing,
oh my GOD    of course...
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1015
oh my GOD    00:56:01,290 --> 00:56:03,425
oh my GOD    But maybe...
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1016
oh my GOD    00:56:03,459 --> 00:56:07,429
oh my GOD    Maybe every incredible
oh my GOD    human achievement in history
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1017
oh my GOD    00:56:07,463 --> 00:56:09,648
oh my GOD    Was done with slaves.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1018
oh my GOD    00:56:09,682 --> 00:56:11,650
oh my GOD    Every single thing where you go,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1019
oh my GOD    00:56:11,684 --> 00:56:13,902
oh my GOD    "how did they build those
pyramids?"
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1020
oh my GOD    00:56:13,937 --> 00:56:15,971
oh my GOD    They just threw human death
oh my GOD    and suffering at them
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1021
oh my GOD    00:56:15,989 --> 00:56:19,908
oh my GOD    Until they were finished.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1022
oh my GOD    00:56:19,943 --> 00:56:22,477
oh my GOD    How did we traverse the nation
oh my GOD    with the railroad so quickly?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1023
oh my GOD    00:56:22,495 --> 00:56:24,747
oh my GOD    We just threw chinese people
oh my GOD    in caves and blew 'em up
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1024
oh my GOD    00:56:24,781 --> 00:56:27,149
oh my GOD    And didn't give a shit
oh my GOD    what happened to them.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1025
oh my GOD    00:56:27,167 --> 00:56:28,667
oh my GOD    There's no end
oh my GOD    to what you can do
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1026
oh my GOD    00:56:28,701 --> 00:56:31,336
oh my GOD    When you don't give a fuck
oh my GOD    about particular people.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1027
oh my GOD    00:56:31,371 --> 00:56:35,323
oh my GOD    You can do anything.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1028
oh my GOD    00:56:35,341 --> 00:56:37,492
oh my GOD    That's where human greatness
oh my GOD    comes from,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1029
oh my GOD    00:56:37,510 --> 00:56:41,847
oh my GOD    Is that we're shitty people,
oh my GOD    that we fuck others over.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1030
oh my GOD    00:56:41,881 --> 00:56:45,050
oh my GOD    Even today, how do we have
oh my GOD    this amazing microtechnology?
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1031
oh my GOD    00:56:45,101 --> 00:56:46,935
oh my GOD    Because the factory
oh my GOD    where they're making these,
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1032
oh my GOD    00:56:46,970 --> 00:56:48,220
oh my GOD    They jump off the fucking roof
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1033
oh my GOD    00:56:48,271 --> 00:56:50,856
oh my GOD    'cause it's a nightmare
oh my GOD    in there.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1034
oh my GOD    00:56:50,890 --> 00:56:52,608
oh my GOD    You really have a choice.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1035
oh my GOD    00:56:52,642 --> 00:56:54,526
oh my GOD    You can have candles and horses
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1036
oh my GOD    00:56:54,561 --> 00:56:56,344
oh my GOD    And be a little kinder
oh my GOD    to each other
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1037
oh my GOD    00:56:56,362 --> 00:56:59,364
oh my GOD    Or let someone
oh my GOD    suffer immeasurably far away
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1038
oh my GOD    00:56:59,399 --> 00:57:01,733
oh my GOD    Just so you can leave
oh my GOD    a mean comment on youtube
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1039
oh my GOD    00:57:01,785 --> 00:57:06,071
oh my GOD    While you're taking a shit.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1040
oh my GOD    00:57:07,356 --> 00:57:10,192
oh my GOD    Thanks a lot, folks.
oh my GOD    You guys were great.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1041
oh my GOD    00:57:10,210 --> 00:57:12,661
oh my GOD    Thank you very, very much.
oh my GOD    
oh my GOD    1042
oh my GOD    00:57:12,695 --> 00:57:14,913
oh my GOD    Thank you.
hilarious    1
hilarious    00:00:36,501 --> 00:00:39,437
hilarious    [Soft, indistinct chatter]
hilarious    
hilarious    2
hilarious    00:00:44,576 --> 00:00:45,976
hilarious    #NAME?
hilarious    In there, sir?
hilarious    
hilarious    3
hilarious    00:00:45,978 --> 00:00:47,678
hilarious    #NAME?
hilarious    
hilarious    4
hilarious    00:01:05,497 --> 00:01:08,432
hilarious    [Scattered cheers, shouting]
hilarious    
hilarious    5
hilarious    00:01:12,504 --> 00:01:14,405
hilarious    #NAME?
hilarious    
hilarious    6
hilarious    00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:16,673
hilarious    Go--wally, go on house lights.
hilarious    
hilarious    7
hilarious    00:01:21,179 --> 00:01:24,114
hilarious    #NAME?
hilarious    
hilarious    8
hilarious    00:01:24,116 --> 00:01:27,084
hilarious    #NAME?
hilarious    Spotlight. Spotlight.
hilarious    
hilarious    9
hilarious    00:01:27,086 --> 00:01:30,021
hilarious    [Cheers and applause]
hilarious    
hilarious    10
hilarious    00:01:49,207 --> 00:01:51,141
hilarious    #NAME?
hilarious    
hilarious    11
hilarious    00:01:51,143 --> 00:01:54,811
hilarious    Hi.
hilarious    
hilarious    12
hilarious    00:01:54,813 --> 00:01:56,746
hilarious    Thank you very much.
hilarious    
hilarious    13
hilarious    00:01:56,748 --> 00:01:59,950
hilarious    Uh, Thank you.
hilarious    Hello, everybody.
hilarious    
hilarious    14
hilarious    00:01:59,952 --> 00:02:01,685
hilarious    Um, Hello.
hilarious    
hilarious    15
hilarious    00:02:01,687 --> 00:02:05,322
hilarious    I mean, by everybody,
hilarious    I mean, uh, you guys.
hilarious    
hilarious    16
hilarious    00:02:05,324 --> 00:02:09,026
hilarious    Uh, i mean
hilarious    Everybody who's here.
hilarious    
hilarious    17
hilarious    00:02:09,028 --> 00:02:10,760
hilarious    Really i shouldn't
hilarious    Say "everybody,"
hilarious    
hilarious    18
hilarious    00:02:10,762 --> 00:02:15,032
hilarious    Because most people
hilarious    Are not here.
hilarious    
hilarious    19
hilarious    00:02:15,034 --> 00:02:19,503
hilarious    By a pretty huge majority,
hilarious    
hilarious    20
hilarious    00:02:19,505 --> 00:02:22,373
hilarious    Most people are not here.
hilarious    
hilarious    21
hilarious    00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:25,109
hilarious    Most people are in China,
hilarious    Actually.
hilarious    
hilarious    22
hilarious    00:02:25,111 --> 00:02:27,044
hilarious    It's true.
hilarious    
hilarious    23
hilarious    00:02:27,046 --> 00:02:28,312
hilarious    Actually, that's not true.
hilarious    
hilarious    24
hilarious    00:02:28,314 --> 00:02:30,847
hilarious    Most people are dead.
hilarious    Did you know that?
hilarious    
hilarious    25
hilarious    00:02:30,849 --> 00:02:32,616
hilarious    It's true.
hilarious    
hilarious    26
hilarious    00:02:32,618 --> 00:02:34,718
hilarious    Out of all the people
hilarious    That ever were,
hilarious    
hilarious    27
hilarious    00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:36,453
hilarious    Almost all of them are dead.
hilarious    
hilarious    28
hilarious    00:02:36,455 --> 00:02:39,323
hilarious    There are
hilarious    Way more dead people.
hilarious    
hilarious    29
hilarious    00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:43,127
hilarious    And you're all gonna die,
hilarious    And...
hilarious    
hilarious    30
hilarious    00:02:43,129 --> 00:02:46,530
hilarious    And then you're gonna be dead
hilarious    For way longer than your life.
hilarious    
hilarious    31
hilarious    00:02:46,532 --> 00:02:51,535
hilarious    Like, that's mostly
hilarious    What you're ever gonna be.
hilarious    
hilarious    32
hilarious    00:02:51,537 --> 00:02:53,637
hilarious    You're just dead people
hilarious    That didn't die yet.
hilarious    
hilarious    33
hilarious    00:02:53,639 --> 00:02:55,606
hilarious    That's...
hilarious    
hilarious    34
hilarious    00:02:58,610 --> 00:03:01,044
hilarious    There are so many dead people.
hilarious    
hilarious    35
hilarious    00:03:01,046 --> 00:03:05,749
hilarious    Ray Charles is dead.
hilarious    Hitler.
hilarious    
hilarious    36
hilarious    00:03:05,751 --> 00:03:08,085
hilarious    Bunch of other ones.
hilarious    
hilarious    37
hilarious    00:03:08,087 --> 00:03:10,488
hilarious    But mostly those two guys.
hilarious    
hilarious    38
hilarious    00:03:10,490 --> 00:03:12,556
hilarious    And...
hilarious    
hilarious    39
hilarious    00:03:12,558 --> 00:03:13,657
hilarious    It's true.
hilarious    
hilarious    40
hilarious    00:03:13,659 --> 00:03:15,092
hilarious    Ray Charles and Hitler
hilarious    Are both dead.
hilarious    
hilarious    41
hilarious    00:03:15,094 --> 00:03:17,094
hilarious    And really it's the only thing
hilarious    They have in common,
hilarious    
hilarious    42
hilarious    00:03:17,096 --> 00:03:19,963
hilarious    Because otherwise
hilarious    They're very different dudes.
hilarious    
hilarious    43
hilarious    00:03:19,965 --> 00:03:23,801
hilarious    Many contrasts between Hitler
hilarious    And Ray Charles.
hilarious    
hilarious    44
hilarious    00:03:23,803 --> 00:03:25,069
hilarious    I'm gonna tell you
hilarious    A few of 'em.
hilarious    
hilarious    45
hilarious    00:03:25,071 --> 00:03:29,506
hilarious    Um, Ray Charles was black.
hilarious    
hilarious    46
hilarious    00:03:29,508 --> 00:03:34,512
hilarious    Hitler was not.
hilarious    
hilarious    47
hilarious    00:03:34,514 --> 00:03:38,482
hilarious    Hitler killed several Jews.
hilarious    
hilarious    48
hilarious    00:03:38,484 --> 00:03:39,883
hilarious    Too many.
hilarious    I'll say too many.
hilarious    
hilarious    49
hilarious    00:03:39,885 --> 00:03:41,819
hilarious    He killed an excessive amount
hilarious    of Jews.
hilarious    
hilarious    50
hilarious    00:03:41,821 --> 00:03:44,088
hilarious    He really...
hilarious    
hilarious    51
hilarious    00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:45,889
hilarious    Beat that thing to the ground.
hilarious    
hilarious    52
hilarious    00:03:45,891 --> 00:03:48,626
hilarious    He killed way--
hilarious    He just--no moderation.
hilarious    
hilarious    53
hilarious    00:03:51,663 --> 00:03:55,032
hilarious    Ray charles, meanwhile,
hilarious    Hardly any Jews.
hilarious    
hilarious    54
hilarious    00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:58,635
hilarious    He killed so few Jews.
hilarious    
hilarious    55
hilarious    00:04:02,941 --> 00:04:05,609
hilarious    Uh...
hilarious    
hilarious    56
hilarious    00:04:05,611 --> 00:04:08,879
hilarious    I don't know
hilarious    How to start Shows.
hilarious    
hilarious    57
hilarious    00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:12,483
hilarious    It's just a problem
hilarious    That i have.
hilarious    
hilarious    58
hilarious    00:04:12,485 --> 00:04:13,717
hilarious    I never...
hilarious    
hilarious    59
hilarious    00:04:13,719 --> 00:04:15,618
hilarious    I never figured out how to come
hilarious    Out and just start talking,
hilarious    
hilarious    60
hilarious    00:04:15,620 --> 00:04:17,087
hilarious    Because the first thing
hilarious    
hilarious    61
hilarious    00:04:17,089 --> 00:04:18,488
hilarious    You say on stage
hilarious    Always feels stupid,
hilarious    
hilarious    62
hilarious    00:04:18,490 --> 00:04:23,227
hilarious    Because there's no real reason
hilarious    For me to talk to you.
hilarious    
hilarious    63
hilarious    00:04:23,229 --> 00:04:24,761
hilarious    It just doesn't exist.
hilarious    
hilarious    64
hilarious    00:04:24,763 --> 00:04:26,263
hilarious    I don't know you.
hilarious    
hilarious    65
hilarious    00:04:26,265 --> 00:04:27,965
hilarious    You don't--you're--
hilarious    You don't even know each other.
hilarious    
hilarious    66
hilarious    00:04:27,967 --> 00:04:29,366
hilarious    You're facing
hilarious    The same direction.
hilarious    
hilarious    67
hilarious    00:04:29,368 --> 00:04:31,235
hilarious    That's all
hilarious    You have in common.
hilarious    
hilarious    68
hilarious    00:04:31,237 --> 00:04:33,904
hilarious    So i just have to...Bleh!
hilarious    
hilarious    69
hilarious    00:04:33,906 --> 00:04:36,106
hilarious    It's like talking
hilarious    To a girl at a bar
hilarious    
hilarious    70
hilarious    00:04:36,108 --> 00:04:37,407
hilarious    Because
hilarious    You're attracted to her.
hilarious    
hilarious    71
hilarious    00:04:37,409 --> 00:04:38,809
hilarious    The first thing you say
hilarious    
hilarious    72
hilarious    00:04:38,811 --> 00:04:41,945
hilarious    Is just gonna be dog shit
hilarious    Coming out of your mouth.
hilarious    
hilarious    73
hilarious    00:04:41,947 --> 00:04:43,347
hilarious    Because you don't know her.
hilarious    
hilarious    74
hilarious    00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:45,615
hilarious    The only honest thing
hilarious    That you could say to her
hilarious    
hilarious    75
hilarious    00:04:45,617 --> 00:04:47,184
hilarious    Is "i want
hilarious    To fuck your face."
hilarious    
hilarious    76
hilarious    00:04:47,186 --> 00:04:49,152
hilarious    That's the only thing
hilarious    You could say
hilarious    
hilarious    77
hilarious    00:04:49,154 --> 00:04:53,056
hilarious    That you could mean.
hilarious    
hilarious    78
hilarious    00:04:53,058 --> 00:04:56,327
hilarious    Anything else you say
hilarious    Is you trying really hard
hilarious    
hilarious    79
hilarious    00:04:56,329 --> 00:04:58,262
hilarious    Not to say
hilarious    I want to fuck your face.
hilarious    
hilarious    80
hilarious    00:04:58,264 --> 00:04:59,462
hilarious    That's the only thing you're--
hilarious    
hilarious    81
hilarious    00:04:59,464 --> 00:05:02,532
hilarious    "Hi, i want
To put my penis in...

82
00:05:02,534 --> 00:05:05,335
The lowest hole
In your head."
hilarious    
hilarious    83
hilarious    00:05:11,409 --> 00:05:12,809
hilarious    I was never good at that.
hilarious    
hilarious    84
hilarious    00:05:12,811 --> 00:05:14,812
hilarious    Like, i was very bad
hilarious    At being single,
hilarious    
hilarious    85
hilarious    00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:16,579
hilarious    Which is a problem,
hilarious    Because i'm divorced,
hilarious    
hilarious    86
hilarious    00:05:16,581 --> 00:05:18,015
hilarious    So i'm single again.
hilarious    
hilarious    87
hilarious    00:05:18,017 --> 00:05:20,451
hilarious    After ten years
hilarious    of marriage, and--
hilarious    
hilarious    88
hilarious    00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:22,719
hilarious    No, here.
hilarious    Cut the shit.
hilarious    
hilarious    89
hilarious    00:05:22,721 --> 00:05:24,455
hilarious    Don't even start
hilarious    With that noise
hilarious    
hilarious    90
hilarious    00:05:24,457 --> 00:05:26,323
hilarious    Like a puppy died.
hilarious    
hilarious    91
hilarious    00:05:26,325 --> 00:05:29,092
hilarious    Let me tell you something.
hilarious    
hilarious    92
hilarious    00:05:29,094 --> 00:05:31,061
hilarious    Let me tell you something.
hilarious    
hilarious    93
hilarious    00:05:31,063 --> 00:05:32,495
hilarious    And this is important,
hilarious    
hilarious    94
hilarious    00:05:32,497 --> 00:05:34,798
hilarious    Because someday one of your
hilarious    Friends is gonna get divorced.
hilarious    
hilarious    95
hilarious    00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,633
hilarious    It's gonna happen.
hilarious    And they're gonna tell you.
hilarious    
hilarious    96
hilarious    00:05:36,635 --> 00:05:38,268
hilarious    Don't go, "oh, i'm sorry."
hilarious    
hilarious    97
hilarious    00:05:38,270 --> 00:05:39,669
hilarious    That's a stupid thing to say.
hilarious    
hilarious    98
hilarious    00:05:39,671 --> 00:05:41,204
hilarious    It really is.
hilarious    
hilarious    99
hilarious    00:05:41,206 --> 00:05:42,839
hilarious    First of all,
hilarious    You're making 'em feel bad
hilarious    
hilarious    100
hilarious    00:05:42,841 --> 00:05:46,309
hilarious    For being really happy,
hilarious    Which isn't fair.
hilarious    
hilarious    101
hilarious    00:05:49,447 --> 00:05:51,381
hilarious    And second--let me explain
hilarious    Something to you.
hilarious    
hilarious    102
hilarious    00:05:51,383 --> 00:05:54,151
hilarious    Divorce is always good news.
hilarious    
hilarious    103
hilarious    00:05:54,153 --> 00:05:57,187
hilarious    I know that sounds weird,
hilarious    But it's true,
hilarious    
hilarious    104
hilarious    00:05:57,189 --> 00:06:02,425
hilarious    Because no good marriage
hilarious    Has ever ended in divorce.
hilarious    
hilarious    105
hilarious    00:06:04,428 --> 00:06:06,997
hilarious    It's really that simple.
hilarious    
hilarious    106
hilarious    00:06:06,999 --> 00:06:09,599
hilarious    That's never ha--
hilarious    That would be sad,
hilarious    
hilarious    107
hilarious    00:06:09,601 --> 00:06:11,869
hilarious    If two people were married
hilarious    And they were really happy,
hilarious    
hilarious    108
hilarious    00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:15,472
hilarious    And they just had a great thing,
hilarious    And then they got divorced,
hilarious    
hilarious    109
hilarious    00:06:15,474 --> 00:06:18,008
hilarious    That would be really sad.
hilarious    
hilarious    110
hilarious    00:06:18,010 --> 00:06:21,845
hilarious    But that has happened
hilarious    Zero times.
hilarious    
hilarious    111
hilarious    00:06:21,847 --> 00:06:25,182
hilarious    Literally zero.
hilarious    
hilarious    112
hilarious    00:06:25,184 --> 00:06:28,786
hilarious    Ray Charles
hilarious    Has killed more Jews
hilarious    
hilarious    113
hilarious    00:06:28,788 --> 00:06:31,955
hilarious    Than happy marriages
hilarious    Have ended in divorce.
hilarious    
hilarious    114
hilarious    00:06:35,794 --> 00:06:37,161
hilarious    So if your friend
hilarious    Got divorced,
hilarious    
hilarious    115
hilarious    00:06:37,163 --> 00:06:38,962
hilarious    It means things were bad,
hilarious    And now they're--
hilarious    
hilarious    116
hilarious    00:06:38,964 --> 00:06:40,230
hilarious    I mean, they're better.
hilarious    
hilarious    117
hilarious    00:06:40,232 --> 00:06:41,932
hilarious    They're not good.
hilarious    Life is shit wall to wall,
hilarious    
hilarious    118
hilarious    00:06:41,934 --> 00:06:42,933
hilarious    But they're better,
hilarious    
hilarious    119
hilarious    00:06:42,935 --> 00:06:44,902
hilarious    So you should be happy.
hilarious    
hilarious    120
hilarious    00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:47,003
hilarious    But the part that's difficult
hilarious    
hilarious    121
hilarious    00:06:47,005 --> 00:06:50,640
hilarious    Is being single at 41
hilarious    After ten years of marriage
hilarious    
hilarious    122
hilarious    00:06:50,642 --> 00:06:51,875
hilarious    And two kids.
hilarious    
hilarious    123
hilarious    00:06:51,877 --> 00:06:54,044
hilarious    It's--that's like
hilarious    Having a bunch of money
hilarious    
hilarious    124
hilarious    00:06:54,046 --> 00:06:57,147
hilarious    In the currency of a country
hilarious    That doesn't exist anymore.
hilarious    
hilarious    125
hilarious    00:06:57,149 --> 00:06:59,016
hilarious    Like...
hilarious    
hilarious    126
hilarious    00:06:59,018 --> 00:07:02,953
hilarious    Like i found 500 million
hilarious    Prussian francs.
hilarious    
hilarious    127
hilarious    00:07:08,559 --> 00:07:10,593
hilarious    I can't really take
hilarious    Advantage of being single,
hilarious    
hilarious    128
hilarious    00:07:10,595 --> 00:07:12,663
hilarious    Because i didn't--
hilarious    I didn't expect to be single.
hilarious    
hilarious    129
hilarious    00:07:12,665 --> 00:07:13,930
hilarious    I'm not prepared.
hilarious    
hilarious    130
hilarious    00:07:13,932 --> 00:07:15,199
hilarious    I didn't think i'd ever be--
hilarious    
hilarious    131
hilarious    00:07:15,201 --> 00:07:16,533
hilarious    I didn't keep
hilarious    This shit up.
hilarious    
hilarious    132
hilarious    00:07:16,535 --> 00:07:17,568
hilarious    You understand?
hilarious    
hilarious    133
hilarious    00:07:17,570 --> 00:07:21,572
hilarious    I didn't maintain
hilarious    Any of this
hilarious    
hilarious    134
hilarious    00:07:21,574 --> 00:07:25,275
hilarious    At presentation condition.
hilarious    
hilarious    135
hilarious    00:07:25,277 --> 00:07:27,110
hilarious    It's function only.
hilarious    
hilarious    136
hilarious    00:07:27,112 --> 00:07:28,945
hilarious    It was not...
hilarious    
hilarious    137
hilarious    00:07:28,947 --> 00:07:31,381
hilarious    I didn't think
hilarious    I would need it that way.
hilarious    
hilarious    138
hilarious    00:07:31,383 --> 00:07:33,450
hilarious    I thought i was gonna be shoving
hilarious    It into the same person
hilarious    
hilarious    139
hilarious    00:07:33,452 --> 00:07:35,652
hilarious    Every three months
hilarious    Till one of us died.
hilarious    
hilarious    140
hilarious    00:07:35,654 --> 00:07:39,422
hilarious    That's...
hilarious    
hilarious    141
hilarious    00:07:39,424 --> 00:07:43,793
hilarious    What i thought was the nature
hilarious    of the deployment for this...
hilarious    
hilarious    142
hilarious    00:07:43,795 --> 00:07:45,495
hilarious    I didn't think
hilarious    I had to be, like,
hilarious    
hilarious    143
hilarious    00:07:45,497 --> 00:07:50,266
hilarious    Appealing to someone
hilarious    From scratch.
hilarious    
hilarious    144
hilarious    00:07:50,268 --> 00:07:52,135
hilarious    It's like having a--
hilarious    
hilarious    145
hilarious    00:07:52,137 --> 00:07:55,739
hilarious    It's like having a '73
hilarious    Dodge dart in your backyard.
hilarious    
hilarious    146
hilarious    00:07:55,741 --> 00:07:58,409
hilarious    And it's been sitting back there
hilarious    With grass growing--
hilarious    
hilarious    147
hilarious    00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:00,644
hilarious    You don't have any--
hilarious    It's not an old mustang.
hilarious    
hilarious    148
hilarious    00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:03,380
hilarious    You have no plans
hilarious    To restore that dart.
hilarious    
hilarious    149
hilarious    00:08:03,382 --> 00:08:07,417
hilarious    You don't even see it
hilarious    When you look out the window.
hilarious    
hilarious    150
hilarious    00:08:07,419 --> 00:08:11,688
hilarious    And now you find out
hilarious    That's your only way to work.
hilarious    
hilarious    151
hilarious    00:08:11,690 --> 00:08:14,958
hilarious    You need that car now.
hilarious    
hilarious    152
hilarious    00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,528
hilarious    And you're like,
hilarious    "Oh, shit, i--

153
00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:19,730
I didn't take--"
hilarious    It's got bees in it.
hilarious    
hilarious    154
hilarious    00:08:19,732 --> 00:08:23,167
hilarious    "I didn't take care of it.

155
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:26,937
It's full of bees."
hilarious    
hilarious    156
hilarious    00:08:26,939 --> 00:08:28,538
hilarious    "There's a family of mice
Living in the tailpipe.

157
00:08:28,540 --> 00:08:30,574
I can't take that to work."
hilarious    
hilarious    158
hilarious    00:08:34,712 --> 00:08:36,512
hilarious    I have no single instincts.
hilarious    
hilarious    159
hilarious    00:08:36,514 --> 00:08:38,248
hilarious    I know too much to be single.
hilarious    
hilarious    160
hilarious    00:08:38,250 --> 00:08:40,050
hilarious    I know everything
hilarious    That happens now.
hilarious    
hilarious    161
hilarious    00:08:40,052 --> 00:08:41,585
hilarious    That's no good for single.
hilarious    
hilarious    162
hilarious    00:08:41,587 --> 00:08:44,387
hilarious    You got to be optimistic
hilarious    To be single.
hilarious    
hilarious    163
hilarious    00:08:44,389 --> 00:08:46,256
hilarious    Stupid.
hilarious    You have to be stupid.
hilarious    
hilarious    164
hilarious    00:08:46,258 --> 00:08:48,892
hilarious    That's what optimistic means,
hilarious    You know?
hilarious    
hilarious    165
hilarious    00:08:48,894 --> 00:08:51,128
hilarious    It means stupid.
hilarious    
hilarious    166
hilarious    00:08:51,130 --> 00:08:52,762
hilarious    An optimist
hilarious    Is somebody who goes,
hilarious    
hilarious    167
hilarious    00:08:52,764 --> 00:08:54,764
hilarious    "Hey, maybe something
Nice will happen."
hilarious    
hilarious    168
hilarious    00:08:54,766 --> 00:08:57,401
hilarious    Why the fuck would anything nice
hilarious    Ever happen?
hilarious    
hilarious    169
hilarious    00:08:57,403 --> 00:09:00,637
hilarious    What are you, stupid?
hilarious    
hilarious    170
hilarious    00:09:00,639 --> 00:09:02,906
hilarious    But that's the attitude
hilarious    You have to be to be single.
hilarious    
hilarious    171
hilarious    00:09:02,908 --> 00:09:05,676
hilarious    You have to look at somebody
hilarious    And go, "ooh, maybe..."
hilarious    
hilarious    172
hilarious    00:09:05,678 --> 00:09:06,877
hilarious    I don't look at it that way,
hilarious    
hilarious    173
hilarious    00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:08,411
hilarious    Even when i see somebody
hilarious    I'm attracted to.
hilarious    
hilarious    174
hilarious    00:09:08,413 --> 00:09:09,479
hilarious    I was at a gym the other day.
hilarious    
hilarious    175
hilarious    00:09:09,481 --> 00:09:10,914
hilarious    Why? Why?
hilarious    
hilarious    176
hilarious    00:09:10,916 --> 00:09:12,749
hilarious    I'm at a gym.
hilarious    
hilarious    177
hilarious    00:09:12,751 --> 00:09:14,985
hilarious    I'm just wearing shorts.
hilarious    
hilarious    178
hilarious    00:09:14,987 --> 00:09:16,586
hilarious    That's all i'm doing there.
hilarious    
hilarious    179
hilarious    00:09:16,588 --> 00:09:19,957
hilarious    Just standing there.
hilarious    
hilarious    180
hilarious    00:09:28,299 --> 00:09:30,100
hilarious    And i look over,
hilarious    And there's a girl on the--
hilarious    
hilarious    181
hilarious    00:09:30,102 --> 00:09:35,805
hilarious    You know, with a ponytail,
hilarious    And she's on this thing--
hilarious    
hilarious    182
hilarious    00:09:35,807 --> 00:09:37,507
hilarious    And i'm looking at her,
hilarious    And i'm like,
hilarious    
hilarious    183
hilarious    00:09:37,509 --> 00:09:41,411
hilarious    "Oh, she's awesome.

184
00:09:41,413 --> 00:09:44,581
Shit."
hilarious    
hilarious    185
hilarious    00:09:44,583 --> 00:09:47,050
hilarious    But then i start thinking,
hilarious    Wait a minute.
hilarious    
hilarious    186
hilarious    00:09:47,052 --> 00:09:50,420
hilarious    I'm single. I'm on the market.
hilarious    I have value.
hilarious    
hilarious    187
hilarious    00:09:50,422 --> 00:09:52,556
hilarious    I could say something
hilarious    To her.
hilarious    
hilarious    188
hilarious    00:09:52,558 --> 00:09:54,591
hilarious    I could just walk up
hilarious    And say something.
hilarious    
hilarious    189
hilarious    00:09:54,593 --> 00:09:57,594
hilarious    And i'm trying to think--
hilarious    What am i gonna say?
hilarious    
hilarious    190
hilarious    00:09:57,596 --> 00:10:02,265
hilarious    What does--what do i look like
hilarious    To somebody like that?
hilarious    
hilarious    191
hilarious    00:10:02,267 --> 00:10:03,967
hilarious    And then i realize
hilarious    It's been way too long.
hilarious    
hilarious    192
hilarious    00:10:03,969 --> 00:10:08,071
hilarious    I've just been standing there,
hilarious    Staring at her.
hilarious    
hilarious    193
hilarious    00:10:08,073 --> 00:10:09,639
hilarious    [Grunts]
hilarious    
hilarious    194
hilarious    00:10:09,641 --> 00:10:12,709
hilarious    I want her!
hilarious    
hilarious    195
hilarious    00:10:17,215 --> 00:10:20,183
hilarious    I have no identity
hilarious    In the single world.
hilarious    
hilarious    196
hilarious    00:10:20,185 --> 00:10:23,187
hilarious    I can't--i look at them,
hilarious    I don't know what they're doing.
hilarious    
hilarious    197
hilarious    00:10:23,189 --> 00:10:25,221
hilarious    I--i tried just jerking off
hilarious    
hilarious    198
hilarious    00:10:25,223 --> 00:10:26,490
hilarious    to Girls Gone Wild
hilarious    The other day.
hilarious    
hilarious    199
hilarious    00:10:26,492 --> 00:10:28,659
hilarious    Just to re-enter
hilarious    The community that way.
hilarious    
hilarious    200
hilarious    00:10:28,661 --> 00:10:30,326
hilarious    Just to feel part of it.
hilarious    
hilarious    201
hilarious    00:10:30,328 --> 00:10:31,528
hilarious    And i bought it.
hilarious    
hilarious    202
hilarious    00:10:31,530 --> 00:10:33,063
hilarious    Not the commercial
hilarious    On Comedy Central.
hilarious    
hilarious    203
hilarious    00:10:33,065 --> 00:10:34,798
hilarious    I paid money like a grown-up.
hilarious    
hilarious    204
hilarious    00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,299
hilarious    I put my credit card down
hilarious    
hilarious    205
hilarious    00:10:36,301 --> 00:10:38,434
hilarious    And waited for it
hilarious    To come to my house.
hilarious    
hilarious    206
hilarious    00:10:38,436 --> 00:10:40,003
hilarious    I'm an adult.
hilarious    
hilarious    207
hilarious    00:10:40,005 --> 00:10:42,438
hilarious    so i'm trying to jerk off
hilarious    To Girls Gone Wild.
hilarious    
hilarious    208
hilarious    00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:43,840
hilarious    I can't do it,
hilarious    'Cause i'm a father.
hilarious    
hilarious    209
hilarious    00:10:43,842 --> 00:10:45,175
hilarious    I'm too old.
hilarious    
hilarious    210
hilarious    00:10:45,177 --> 00:10:51,114
hilarious    I'm just getting mad
hilarious    At everybody in the video.
hilarious    
hilarious    211
hilarious    00:10:51,116 --> 00:10:53,416
hilarious    I'm like, "you fucking
hilarious    Irresponsible bitches.
hilarious    
hilarious    212
hilarious    00:10:53,418 --> 00:10:55,719
hilarious    Go back to school.
hilarious    What are you doing down there?"
hilarious    
hilarious    213
hilarious    00:11:00,191 --> 00:11:02,059
hilarious    "There's two wars
And a depression.

214
00:11:02,061 --> 00:11:04,527
Put your--get the oil"
hilarious    off your tits and study,
hilarious    
hilarious    215
hilarious    00:11:04,529 --> 00:11:06,563
hilarious    For fuck's sake."
hilarious    
hilarious    216
hilarious    00:11:12,203 --> 00:11:15,439
hilarious    I just don't look at a woman
hilarious    As a pair of tits anymore,
hilarious    
hilarious    217
hilarious    00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:17,507
hilarious    And i wish i did,
hilarious    'Cause i could get laid easier,
hilarious    
hilarious    218
hilarious    00:11:17,509 --> 00:11:18,474
hilarious    'Cause that's what it takes.
hilarious    
hilarious    219
hilarious    00:11:18,476 --> 00:11:20,243
hilarious    Just to go--
hilarious    [Grunting]
hilarious    
hilarious    220
hilarious    00:11:22,613 --> 00:11:23,646
hilarious    But i can't now.
hilarious    
hilarious    221
hilarious    00:11:23,648 --> 00:11:24,747
hilarious    Like, i went to a club.
hilarious    
hilarious    222
hilarious    00:11:24,749 --> 00:11:26,382
hilarious    I went to a club,
hilarious    You know, like, a...
hilarious    
hilarious    223
hilarious    00:11:26,384 --> 00:11:28,518
hilarious    [Imitates thumping club music]
hilarious    Like, a club.
hilarious    
hilarious    224
hilarious    00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,921
hilarious    And i'm standing there
hilarious    Looking at all the people,
hilarious    
hilarious    225
hilarious    00:11:30,923 --> 00:11:32,856
hilarious    And there's the women--
hilarious    The hot chicks.
hilarious    
hilarious    226
hilarious    00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:34,358
hilarious    The hot girl at the bar.
hilarious    
hilarious    227
hilarious    00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,692
hilarious    You know when you see them,
hilarious    
hilarious    228
hilarious    00:11:35,694 --> 00:11:37,327
hilarious    That's just--she's a hot girl
hilarious    At the bar.
hilarious    
hilarious    229
hilarious    00:11:37,329 --> 00:11:39,996
hilarious    She's got the--
hilarious    Got the shirt and the skirt,
hilarious    
hilarious    230
hilarious    00:11:39,998 --> 00:11:40,997
hilarious    And the boots.
hilarious    
hilarious    231
hilarious    00:11:40,999 --> 00:11:42,232
hilarious    Those three lines.
hilarious    
hilarious    232
hilarious    00:11:42,234 --> 00:11:45,435
hilarious    It's, like, some
hilarious    Perfect ratio that they hit
hilarious    
hilarious    233
hilarious    00:11:45,437 --> 00:11:48,505
hilarious    With those three lines,
hilarious    And you--
hilarious    
hilarious    234
hilarious    00:11:48,507 --> 00:11:50,274
hilarious    And they're all
hilarious    Standing there like that.
hilarious    
hilarious    235
hilarious    00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:51,808
hilarious    And i used to look
hilarious    At somebody like that.
hilarious    
hilarious    236
hilarious    00:11:51,810 --> 00:11:53,109
hilarious    I'm like,
hilarious    "Wow, she's an angel.

237
00:11:53,111 --> 00:11:55,679
What could i ever say
To make her like me?"
hilarious    
hilarious    238
hilarious    00:11:55,681 --> 00:11:58,114
hilarious    Now i look at her and i'm like,
hilarious    "What is that?

239
00:11:58,116 --> 00:11:59,215
Is that even a person?"
hilarious    
hilarious    240
hilarious    00:11:59,217 --> 00:12:01,384
hilarious    "What the fuck
Kind of person is that?

241
00:12:01,386 --> 00:12:04,654
Is that an identity even?
Who would want to be that?"
hilarious    
hilarious    242
hilarious    00:12:04,656 --> 00:12:05,822
hilarious    I have two daughters.
hilarious    
hilarious    243
hilarious    00:12:05,824 --> 00:12:08,325
hilarious    I pray they don't
hilarious    Grow up to be the--
hilarious    
hilarious    244
hilarious    00:12:08,327 --> 00:12:10,627
hilarious    The hot girl at the bar.
hilarious    What kind of--
hilarious    
hilarious    245
hilarious    00:12:10,629 --> 00:12:11,761
hilarious    Hey, what do you do?
hilarious    
hilarious    246
hilarious    00:12:11,763 --> 00:12:13,029
hilarious    People want to fuck me.
hilarious    
hilarious    247
hilarious    00:12:13,031 --> 00:12:14,531
hilarious    Really? That's it?
hilarious    
hilarious    248
hilarious    00:12:14,533 --> 00:12:16,666
hilarious    "Yeah.

249
00:12:16,668 --> 00:12:19,502
I go to this club, and they"
hilarious    Want to fuck me over here.
hilarious    
hilarious    250
hilarious    00:12:19,504 --> 00:12:20,970
hilarious    "Ha ha.

251
00:12:20,972 --> 00:12:23,773
Not you.
Ha ha."
hilarious    
hilarious    252
hilarious    00:12:27,412 --> 00:12:30,347
hilarious    And their male counterparts
hilarious    Are even more useless.
hilarious    
hilarious    253
hilarious    00:12:30,349 --> 00:12:31,748
hilarious    The guys.
hilarious    
hilarious    254
hilarious    00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:34,718
hilarious    The dudes--the going out
hilarious    To get laid dudes.
hilarious    
hilarious    255
hilarious    00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,321
hilarious    You know those guys
hilarious    That walk in packs of nine
hilarious    
hilarious    256
hilarious    00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:39,122
hilarious    Down the bar street.
hilarious    
hilarious    257
hilarious    00:12:39,124 --> 00:12:40,791
hilarious    The going out
hilarious    To get laid guys.
hilarious    
hilarious    258
hilarious    00:12:40,793 --> 00:12:42,359
hilarious    They all got the same
hilarious    Button-up, stripy,
hilarious    
hilarious    259
hilarious    00:12:42,361 --> 00:12:47,364
hilarious    Going out to get laid
hilarious    Shirt on.
hilarious    
hilarious    260
hilarious    00:12:47,366 --> 00:12:49,599
hilarious    They all got the same stride,
hilarious    
hilarious    261
hilarious    00:12:49,601 --> 00:12:52,168
hilarious    And there's one short
hilarious    Guy behind them like--
hilarious    
hilarious    262
hilarious    00:12:58,976 --> 00:13:00,610
hilarious    And they--
hilarious    They're all out to get--
hilarious    
hilarious    263
hilarious    00:13:00,612 --> 00:13:02,679
hilarious    Like, who's gonna
hilarious    Fuck all nine of you?
hilarious    
hilarious    264
hilarious    00:13:02,681 --> 00:13:04,948
hilarious    What is the fantasy here?
hilarious    
hilarious    265
hilarious    00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:08,718
hilarious    Are you gonna see nine women
hilarious    In the same configuration,
hilarious    
hilarious    266
hilarious    00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,854
hilarious    And just all--?
hilarious    
hilarious    267
hilarious    00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:15,391
hilarious    Are you all gonna walk
hilarious    Into a giant vagina somewhere?
hilarious    
hilarious    268
hilarious    00:13:15,393 --> 00:13:17,727
hilarious    Ha ha! Dude!
hilarious    
hilarious    269
hilarious    00:13:22,467 --> 00:13:24,301
hilarious    And then later they're in front
hilarious    of a pizza place,
hilarious    
hilarious    270
hilarious    00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,602
hilarious    Just angry at each other.
hilarious    
hilarious    271
hilarious    00:13:25,604 --> 00:13:28,905
hilarious    "You said there was pussy there,
You idiot!"
hilarious    
hilarious    272
hilarious    00:13:28,907 --> 00:13:31,441
hilarious    Shut up!
hilarious    
hilarious    273
hilarious    00:13:31,443 --> 00:13:34,210
hilarious    Then they beat up a stranger
hilarious    And get the energy out that way.
hilarious    
hilarious    274
hilarious    00:13:34,212 --> 00:13:36,646
hilarious    Faggot!
hilarious    
hilarious    275
hilarious    00:13:42,119 --> 00:13:44,087
hilarious    Those are the most
hilarious    dangerous people,
hilarious    
hilarious    276
hilarious    00:13:44,089 --> 00:13:46,356
hilarious    Are dudes
hilarious    That didn't get laid.
hilarious    
hilarious    277
hilarious    00:13:46,358 --> 00:13:48,725
hilarious    They're just fucking--
hilarious    [Grumbles]
hilarious    
hilarious    278
hilarious    00:13:52,596 --> 00:13:56,900
hilarious    Just full of come
hilarious    Coming out of their eyes.
hilarious    
hilarious    279
hilarious    00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:59,802
hilarious    "Fucking--fucking--
Fuck somebody."
hilarious    
hilarious    280
hilarious    00:14:03,441 --> 00:14:04,474
hilarious    Stand there.
hilarious    
hilarious    281
hilarious    00:14:04,476 --> 00:14:06,009
hilarious    I love dudes
hilarious    That hang out together
hilarious    
hilarious    282
hilarious    00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:07,377
hilarious    And do the whole--
hilarious    
hilarious    283
hilarious    00:14:07,379 --> 00:14:08,811
hilarious    I saw this group of guys,
hilarious    
hilarious    284
hilarious    00:14:08,813 --> 00:14:10,713
hilarious    And one of 'em was such a guy,
hilarious    
hilarious    285
hilarious    00:14:10,715 --> 00:14:13,016
hilarious    He had it turned up so high
hilarious    That it was crazy.
hilarious    
hilarious    286
hilarious    00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:14,451
hilarious    His friends
hilarious    Were kind of normal.
hilarious    
hilarious    287
hilarious    00:14:14,453 --> 00:14:16,153
hilarious    He was like--
hilarious    
hilarious    288
hilarious    00:14:18,222 --> 00:14:21,458
hilarious    I'm like, "what? Is that--
hilarious    That can't be real.
hilarious    
hilarious    289
hilarious    00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:23,826
hilarious    That can't be a personality."
hilarious    
hilarious    290
hilarious    00:14:23,828 --> 00:14:25,395
hilarious    Does he do that at 4:00
hilarious    In the morning
hilarious    
hilarious    291
hilarious    00:14:25,397 --> 00:14:27,297
hilarious    When he's peeing
hilarious    And nobody's in his apartment?
hilarious    
hilarious    292
hilarious    00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:28,998
hilarious    He's like--
hilarious    
hilarious    293
hilarious    00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,574
hilarious    And he kept doing that gesture
hilarious    That guys like to do.
hilarious    
hilarious    294
hilarious    00:14:38,576 --> 00:14:40,676
hilarious    The...
hilarious    
hilarious    295
hilarious    00:14:40,678 --> 00:14:42,212
hilarious    That's my favorite
hilarious    Dumb guy gesture.
hilarious    
hilarious    296
hilarious    00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:44,514
hilarious    Yeah. Pfft.
hilarious    
hilarious    297
hilarious    00:14:44,516 --> 00:14:47,150
hilarious    Pffsh, yeah, right.
hilarious    
hilarious    298
hilarious    00:14:50,221 --> 00:14:52,021
hilarious    I always wonder,
hilarious    What if there was a guy
hilarious    
hilarious    299
hilarious    00:14:52,023 --> 00:14:53,823
hilarious    Who, whenever he does this,
hilarious    
hilarious    300
hilarious    00:14:53,825 --> 00:14:57,860
hilarious    He has to finish.
hilarious    
hilarious    301
hilarious    00:14:57,862 --> 00:15:00,363
hilarious    Like, just some guy
hilarious    Who works in your office.
hilarious    
hilarious    302
hilarious    00:15:00,365 --> 00:15:02,765
hilarious    You ask him a question.
hilarious    Hey, is Bill in yet?
hilarious    
hilarious    303
hilarious    00:15:02,767 --> 00:15:04,901
hilarious    "Yeah,
Like, he's ever on time."
hilarious    
hilarious    304
hilarious    00:15:48,412 --> 00:15:49,412
hilarious    [Whispers]
hilarious    Oh, fuck.
hilarious    
hilarious    305
hilarious    00:15:49,414 --> 00:15:53,950
hilarious    [Cheers and applause]
hilarious    
hilarious    306
hilarious    00:15:53,952 --> 00:15:56,453
hilarious    [Breathes heavily]
hilarious    
hilarious    307
hilarious    00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:58,722
hilarious    "Oh, shit.

308
00:15:58,724 --> 00:16:00,423
Seriously, that dude's"
hilarious    Always late, man.
hilarious    
hilarious    309
hilarious    00:16:00,425 --> 00:16:02,359
hilarious    I'm serious."
hilarious    
hilarious    310
hilarious    00:16:02,361 --> 00:16:04,461
hilarious    [Stammers]
hilarious    
hilarious    311
hilarious    00:16:09,567 --> 00:16:12,168
hilarious    It's always an odd moment
hilarious    In a guy's life,
hilarious    
hilarious    312
hilarious    00:16:12,170 --> 00:16:13,470
hilarious    The second after you come,
hilarious    
hilarious    313
hilarious    00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:17,373
hilarious    And you're like--
hilarious    [Shudders]
hilarious    
hilarious    314
hilarious    00:16:17,375 --> 00:16:20,209
hilarious    Reality comes rushing back.
hilarious    
hilarious    315
hilarious    00:16:20,211 --> 00:16:21,845
hilarious    'Cause you've been
hilarious    Pushing reality away
hilarious    
hilarious    316
hilarious    00:16:21,847 --> 00:16:23,112
hilarious    In pieces
hilarious    All night to get the--
hilarious    
hilarious    317
hilarious    00:16:23,114 --> 00:16:24,180
hilarious    "Oh, no, it's fine.

318
00:16:24,182 --> 00:16:26,649
Yeah, no,"
hilarious    It doesn't matter.
hilarious    
hilarious    319
hilarious    00:16:26,651 --> 00:16:27,817
hilarious    "No, i'll just
Leave my car there.

320
00:16:27,819 --> 00:16:30,286
It doesn't matter."
hilarious    I'll just go...
hilarious    
hilarious    321
hilarious    00:16:30,288 --> 00:16:32,855
hilarious    "Doesn't matter...
This is weird...

322
00:16:32,857 --> 00:16:33,789
Ah, fuck."
hilarious    
hilarious    323
hilarious    00:16:33,791 --> 00:16:35,825
hilarious    And then
hilarious    You're just like--
hilarious    
hilarious    324
hilarious    00:16:35,827 --> 00:16:38,761
hilarious    You're like the Hulk coming
hilarious    back down to the other guy.
hilarious    
hilarious    325
hilarious    00:16:44,135 --> 00:16:46,269
hilarious    My clothes are ripped
hilarious    And there's a dead guy here.
hilarious    
hilarious    326
hilarious    00:16:46,271 --> 00:16:50,573
hilarious    I don't know what happened.
hilarious    
hilarious    327
hilarious    00:16:50,575 --> 00:16:54,444
hilarious    I'm gonna get my duffle bag
hilarious    And leave town again.
hilarious    
hilarious    328
hilarious    00:16:54,446 --> 00:16:56,880
hilarious    [Whistles]
hilarious    
hilarious    329
hilarious    00:17:02,519 --> 00:17:03,553
hilarious    So this is
hilarious    A beautiful theater.
hilarious    
hilarious    330
hilarious    00:17:03,555 --> 00:17:05,789
hilarious    I like what i do,
hilarious    
hilarious    331
hilarious    00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:07,724
hilarious    Because i get to work
hilarious    In a lot of different places.
hilarious    
hilarious    332
hilarious    00:17:07,726 --> 00:17:10,860
hilarious    And, uh, recently
hilarious    I did a show in New Jersey
hilarious    
hilarious    333
hilarious    00:17:10,862 --> 00:17:15,865
hilarious    In the auditorium
hilarious    of a technical High School.
hilarious    
hilarious    334
hilarious    00:17:15,867 --> 00:17:19,903
hilarious    I forgot that existed.
hilarious    technical High School.
hilarious    
hilarious    335
hilarious    00:17:19,905 --> 00:17:23,373
hilarious    That's where dreams
hilarious    Are narrowed down.
hilarious    
hilarious    336
hilarious    00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:26,042
hilarious    That's--
hilarious    
hilarious    337
hilarious    00:17:26,044 --> 00:17:29,946
hilarious    'Cause we tell our children,
hilarious    You can do anything you want.
hilarious    
hilarious    338
hilarious    00:17:29,948 --> 00:17:32,816
hilarious    Their whole lives.
hilarious    You can do anything.
hilarious    
hilarious    339
hilarious    00:17:32,818 --> 00:17:34,550
hilarious    But at this place,
hilarious    We take kids--
hilarious    
hilarious    340
hilarious    00:17:34,552 --> 00:17:36,286
hilarious    Like, they're 15.
hilarious    They're young.
hilarious    
hilarious    341
hilarious    00:17:36,288 --> 00:17:40,790
hilarious    And we tell them,
hilarious    "You can do eight things.

342
00:17:40,792 --> 00:17:45,161
We got it down
To eight for you."
hilarious    
hilarious    343
hilarious    00:17:45,163 --> 00:17:46,729
hilarious    And i'm not saying
hilarious    These people are stupid.
hilarious    
hilarious    344
hilarious    00:17:46,731 --> 00:17:47,997
hilarious    Because i'm stupid.
hilarious    
hilarious    345
hilarious    00:17:47,999 --> 00:17:50,200
hilarious    I really am stupid,
hilarious    And it bothers me.
hilarious    
hilarious    346
hilarious    00:17:50,202 --> 00:17:52,234
hilarious    Like,
hilarious    I wish i was more stupid,
hilarious    
hilarious    347
hilarious    00:17:52,236 --> 00:17:53,636
hilarious    'Cause then it wouldn't--
hilarious    
hilarious    348
hilarious    00:17:53,638 --> 00:17:55,805
hilarious    I would--just all
hilarious    My thoughts would just be--
hilarious    
hilarious    349
hilarious    00:17:55,807 --> 00:17:57,740
hilarious    [Murmuring]
hilarious    
hilarious    350
hilarious    00:18:04,782 --> 00:18:06,349
hilarious    But instead,
hilarious    Here's how my brain works.
hilarious    
hilarious    351
hilarious    00:18:06,351 --> 00:18:08,918
hilarious    It's stupidity
hilarious    Followed by self-hatred
hilarious    
hilarious    352
hilarious    00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:10,920
hilarious    And then further analysis.
hilarious    
hilarious    353
hilarious    00:18:10,922 --> 00:18:13,990
hilarious    It's not a very efficient
hilarious    System of thought.
hilarious    
hilarious    354
hilarious    00:18:13,992 --> 00:18:16,659
hilarious    I have these dumb thoughts,
hilarious    Duh,
hilarious    
hilarious    355
hilarious    00:18:16,661 --> 00:18:18,561
hilarious    And then i go, "what the fuck
hilarious    Is wrong with you?"
hilarious    
hilarious    356
hilarious    00:18:18,563 --> 00:18:23,766
hilarious    And then i figure it out.
hilarious    
hilarious    357
hilarious    00:18:23,768 --> 00:18:25,668
hilarious    But the impulse
hilarious    Is always stupid.
hilarious    
hilarious    358
hilarious    00:18:25,670 --> 00:18:27,603
hilarious    Like, i saw this guy
hilarious    In New York one day,
hilarious    
hilarious    359
hilarious    00:18:27,605 --> 00:18:29,172
hilarious    And he's walking his dog,
hilarious    
hilarious    360
hilarious    00:18:29,174 --> 00:18:30,206
hilarious    And this is what i saw.
hilarious    
hilarious    361
hilarious    00:18:30,208 --> 00:18:31,708
hilarious    The guy's got a--
hilarious    He's got a coffee
hilarious    
hilarious    362
hilarious    00:18:31,710 --> 00:18:33,943
hilarious    And a dog on a leash,
hilarious    And a phone.
hilarious    
hilarious    363
hilarious    00:18:33,945 --> 00:18:35,045
hilarious    He's on the phone.
hilarious    
hilarious    364
hilarious    00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,546
hilarious    So he's got
hilarious    His phone like this,
hilarious    
hilarious    365
hilarious    00:18:36,548 --> 00:18:39,849
hilarious    And the dog's leash is going
hilarious    From the phone hand to the dog.
hilarious    
hilarious    366
hilarious    00:18:39,851 --> 00:18:41,518
hilarious    And i look at this and i go,
hilarious    
hilarious    367
hilarious    00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:44,287
hilarious    "Oh, he's got, like,
A dog phone."
hilarious    
hilarious    368
hilarious    00:18:48,592 --> 00:18:52,194
hilarious    Like, that thought
hilarious    Sincerely inhabited me
hilarious    
hilarious    369
hilarious    00:18:52,196 --> 00:18:54,664
hilarious    For, like, a full minute.
hilarious    
hilarious    370
hilarious    00:18:54,666 --> 00:18:57,066
hilarious    I'm going, "oh, i wonder
hilarious    What the benefits are
hilarious    
hilarious    371
hilarious    00:18:57,068 --> 00:19:01,103
hilarious    To hooking
hilarious    Your phone up to a dog."
hilarious    
hilarious    372
hilarious    00:19:01,105 --> 00:19:02,605
hilarious    And then the other part of me
hilarious    Had to go,
hilarious    
hilarious    373
hilarious    00:19:02,607 --> 00:19:04,774
hilarious    "Why the fuck
Would that exist?

374
00:19:04,776 --> 00:19:07,711
You asshole."
hilarious    
hilarious    375
hilarious    00:19:11,048 --> 00:19:14,150
hilarious    I had a string of bad--
hilarious    Dumb thoughts the other day.
hilarious    
hilarious    376
hilarious    00:19:14,152 --> 00:19:17,086
hilarious    I was--i don't remember
hilarious    What town i was in.
hilarious    
hilarious    377
hilarious    00:19:17,088 --> 00:19:18,354
hilarious    I was on the road.
hilarious    
hilarious    378
hilarious    00:19:18,356 --> 00:19:20,456
hilarious    I was just standing
hilarious    In front of my hotel.
hilarious    
hilarious    379
hilarious    00:19:20,458 --> 00:19:22,525
hilarious    It was 5:00 in the afternoon.
hilarious    
hilarious    380
hilarious    00:19:22,527 --> 00:19:24,527
hilarious    That's usually what i'm doing
hilarious    At 5:00 in the afternoon.
hilarious    
hilarious    381
hilarious    00:19:24,529 --> 00:19:26,896
hilarious    Just standing in front
hilarious    of my hotel.
hilarious    
hilarious    382
hilarious    00:19:26,898 --> 00:19:29,265
hilarious    Because i've been
hilarious    Inside all day.
hilarious    
hilarious    383
hilarious    00:19:29,267 --> 00:19:31,600
hilarious    Just with the jacking off
hilarious    And the ice cream.
hilarious    
hilarious    384
hilarious    00:19:31,602 --> 00:19:33,069
hilarious    It's just horrible.
hilarious    
hilarious    385
hilarious    00:19:33,071 --> 00:19:35,604
hilarious    It's, like, a horrible thing.
hilarious    
hilarious    386
hilarious    00:19:35,606 --> 00:19:37,073
hilarious    All day.
hilarious    
hilarious    387
hilarious    00:19:37,075 --> 00:19:40,176
hilarious    Just depths of fucking hell.
hilarious    
hilarious    388
hilarious    00:19:40,178 --> 00:19:42,345
hilarious    Just--i wake up,
hilarious    I get, like, chicken wings.
hilarious    
hilarious    389
hilarious    00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:44,213
hilarious    Shit nobody eats
hilarious    At 10:00 a.M.
hilarious    
hilarious    390
hilarious    00:19:44,215 --> 00:19:47,083
hilarious    Like, really--hot wings
hilarious    And i eat 'em all,
hilarious    
hilarious    391
hilarious    00:19:47,085 --> 00:19:49,152
hilarious    And then i'm like, "uh..."
hilarious    
hilarious    392
hilarious    00:19:49,154 --> 00:19:51,320
hilarious    So i get ice cream
hilarious    To cool it off, you know?
hilarious    
hilarious    393
hilarious    00:19:51,322 --> 00:19:53,589
hilarious    Like...
hilarious    And then i feel worse,
hilarious    
hilarious    394
hilarious    00:19:53,591 --> 00:19:56,859
hilarious    So i jack off and pass out.
hilarious    
hilarious    395
hilarious    00:19:56,861 --> 00:19:59,929
hilarious    I turn off my phone
hilarious    In case my kids call.
hilarious    
hilarious    396
hilarious    00:19:59,931 --> 00:20:03,366
hilarious    I can't fucking face anybody.
hilarious    
hilarious    397
hilarious    00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:05,734
hilarious    I wake up covered with
hilarious    Three kinds of shame glaze
hilarious    
hilarious    398
hilarious    00:20:05,736 --> 00:20:08,404
hilarious    Just covering my body.
hilarious    
hilarious    399
hilarious    00:20:14,445 --> 00:20:16,045
hilarious    And so right around 5:00
hilarious    In the afternoon
hilarious    
hilarious    400
hilarious    00:20:16,047 --> 00:20:17,480
hilarious    It starts getting dark,
hilarious    
hilarious    401
hilarious    00:20:17,482 --> 00:20:19,482
hilarious    And i'm like, "i got to be
hilarious    In the daylight just once."
hilarious    
hilarious    402
hilarious    00:20:19,484 --> 00:20:21,717
hilarious    I have to at least
hilarious    One time in the day
hilarious    
hilarious    403
hilarious    00:20:21,719 --> 00:20:23,386
hilarious    Be in the daylight.
hilarious    
hilarious    404
hilarious    00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:25,854
hilarious    And that's--
hilarious    I just stand there. That's it.
hilarious    
hilarious    405
hilarious    00:20:25,856 --> 00:20:28,924
hilarious    Like a fucking mental patient
hilarious    In a bathrobe.
hilarious    
hilarious    406
hilarious    00:20:28,926 --> 00:20:30,793
hilarious    Just--
hilarious    
hilarious    407
hilarious    00:20:40,003 --> 00:20:43,038
hilarious    Cigarette burns
hilarious    On the robe and shit.
hilarious    
hilarious    408
hilarious    00:20:45,242 --> 00:20:48,111
hilarious    Some girl telling me
hilarious    She got married.
hilarious    
hilarious    409
hilarious    00:20:48,113 --> 00:20:50,045
hilarious    I'm not listening.
hilarious    
hilarious    410
hilarious    00:20:50,047 --> 00:20:52,848
hilarious    "Daddy,
This is my husband."
hilarious    
hilarious    411
hilarious    00:20:59,389 --> 00:21:02,691
hilarious    That's what it feels like,
hilarious    Anyway.
hilarious    
hilarious    412
hilarious    00:21:02,693 --> 00:21:04,927
hilarious    And i started
hilarious    Looking at people,
hilarious    
hilarious    413
hilarious    00:21:04,929 --> 00:21:06,695
hilarious    And they're all crispy-clothed
hilarious    
hilarious    414
hilarious    00:21:06,697 --> 00:21:09,332
hilarious    And rosy-cheeked
hilarious    And full of purpose,
hilarious    
hilarious    415
hilarious    00:21:09,334 --> 00:21:12,101
hilarious    And they're making me
hilarious    Feel worse.
hilarious    
hilarious    416
hilarious    00:21:12,103 --> 00:21:13,902
hilarious    And i'm about to go back
hilarious    In the hotel
hilarious    
hilarious    417
hilarious    00:21:13,904 --> 00:21:17,340
hilarious    And jack off another time.
hilarious    
hilarious    418
hilarious    00:21:17,342 --> 00:21:18,841
hilarious    And then i look
hilarious    Across the street
hilarious    
hilarious    419
hilarious    00:21:18,843 --> 00:21:19,876
hilarious    And i see this couple,
hilarious    
hilarious    420
hilarious    00:21:19,878 --> 00:21:21,978
hilarious    And they were just striking.
hilarious    
hilarious    421
hilarious    00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:23,279
hilarious    They were a beautiful couple.
hilarious    
hilarious    422
hilarious    00:21:23,281 --> 00:21:26,749
hilarious    It was a beautiful woman
hilarious    With a beautiful man.
hilarious    
hilarious    423
hilarious    00:21:26,751 --> 00:21:28,818
hilarious    I'll say he's beautiful.
hilarious    I got no problem with it.
hilarious    
hilarious    424
hilarious    00:21:28,820 --> 00:21:29,819
hilarious    I'll suck his dick too.
hilarious    
hilarious    425
hilarious    00:21:29,821 --> 00:21:30,987
hilarious    I don't need your permission.
hilarious    
hilarious    426
hilarious    00:21:30,989 --> 00:21:32,455
hilarious    I don't care.
hilarious    
hilarious    427
hilarious    00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:36,926
hilarious    Walk right over there
hilarious    And suck his dick.
hilarious    
hilarious    428
hilarious    00:21:36,928 --> 00:21:39,628
hilarious    I mean, i never did that,
hilarious    But i'm 41.
hilarious    
hilarious    429
hilarious    00:21:39,630 --> 00:21:40,964
hilarious    Maybe i'll do
hilarious    The second half gay.
hilarious    
hilarious    430
hilarious    00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:42,899
hilarious    I don't know.
hilarious    
hilarious    431
hilarious    00:21:46,737 --> 00:21:48,371
hilarious    It remains an option.
hilarious    
hilarious    432
hilarious    00:21:48,373 --> 00:21:50,139
hilarious    There's got to be
hilarious    Something to it.
hilarious    
hilarious    433
hilarious    00:21:50,141 --> 00:21:51,707
hilarious    Those folks
hilarious    Are having a good time.
hilarious    
hilarious    434
hilarious    00:21:51,709 --> 00:21:56,212
hilarious    They have parades.
hilarious    
hilarious    435
hilarious    00:21:56,214 --> 00:21:58,547
hilarious    They--there's no parades
hilarious    For how i get laid.
hilarious    
hilarious    436
hilarious    00:21:58,549 --> 00:22:00,449
hilarious    They have parades.
hilarious    
hilarious    437
hilarious    00:22:00,451 --> 00:22:02,018
hilarious    Marching down the street
hilarious    
hilarious    438
hilarious    00:22:02,020 --> 00:22:03,686
hilarious    To celebrate that
hilarious    They blow each other
hilarious    
hilarious    439
hilarious    00:22:03,688 --> 00:22:06,822
hilarious    And fuck each other
hilarious    In the ass.
hilarious    
hilarious    440
hilarious    00:22:06,824 --> 00:22:08,658
hilarious    Smush their vaginas together,
hilarious    
hilarious    441
hilarious    00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:10,793
hilarious    Or whatever that one is.
hilarious    
hilarious    442
hilarious    00:22:13,396 --> 00:22:15,264
hilarious    Whatever wonderful thing
hilarious    Those folks are doing
hilarious    
hilarious    443
hilarious    00:22:15,266 --> 00:22:23,039
hilarious    That's none of my business.
hilarious    
hilarious    444
hilarious    00:22:23,041 --> 00:22:24,640
hilarious    So i--okay,
hilarious    So i'm looking at the couple,
hilarious    
hilarious    445
hilarious    00:22:24,642 --> 00:22:27,643
hilarious    And they're walking
hilarious    On the other side of the street,
hilarious    
hilarious    446
hilarious    00:22:27,645 --> 00:22:29,344
hilarious    And they have a child with them.
hilarious    
hilarious    447
hilarious    00:22:29,346 --> 00:22:30,780
hilarious    But i can't see their child,
hilarious    
hilarious    448
hilarious    00:22:30,782 --> 00:22:32,715
hilarious    'Cause there's, like,
hilarious    A dumpster and some other stuff.
hilarious    
hilarious    449
hilarious    00:22:32,717 --> 00:22:34,283
hilarious    I just see, like,
hilarious    A little head.
hilarious    
hilarious    450
hilarious    00:22:34,285 --> 00:22:36,986
hilarious    And i'm waiting, i'm curious
hilarious    What their kid looks like,
hilarious    
hilarious    451
hilarious    00:22:36,988 --> 00:22:38,187
hilarious    Because they're so beautiful.
hilarious    
hilarious    452
hilarious    00:22:38,189 --> 00:22:39,522
hilarious    Maybe i want
hilarious    To fuck their kid.
hilarious    
hilarious    453
hilarious    00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:40,523
hilarious    I don't know.
hilarious    
hilarious    454
hilarious    00:22:40,525 --> 00:22:44,760
hilarious    [Laughs]
hilarious    
hilarious    455
hilarious    00:22:44,762 --> 00:22:47,063
hilarious    That--that's just me
hilarious    Saying something terrible
hilarious    
hilarious    456
hilarious    00:22:47,065 --> 00:22:49,365
hilarious    Because it makes me laugh
hilarious    That it upsets you.
hilarious    
hilarious    457
hilarious    00:22:49,367 --> 00:22:51,367
hilarious    That's all that is.
hilarious    Just so you know.
hilarious    
hilarious    458
hilarious    00:22:51,369 --> 00:22:55,304
hilarious    It's just--it's just enjoyable
hilarious    To me that you're upset.
hilarious    
hilarious    459
hilarious    00:22:55,306 --> 00:22:58,174
hilarious    That's all it is.
hilarious    I'm not gonna fuck a kid.
hilarious    
hilarious    460
hilarious    00:22:58,176 --> 00:23:00,276
hilarious    I wouldn't do that.
hilarious    Maybe a dead kid.
hilarious    
hilarious    461
hilarious    00:23:00,278 --> 00:23:02,111
hilarious    Who are you hurting?
hilarious    He's dead.
hilarious    
hilarious    462
hilarious    00:23:02,113 --> 00:23:05,281
hilarious    Who are you hurting?
hilarious    
hilarious    463
hilarious    00:23:05,283 --> 00:23:08,284
hilarious    I'm not saying i would kill
hilarious    A kid and fuck him.
hilarious    
hilarious    464
hilarious    00:23:08,286 --> 00:23:10,820
hilarious    I'm saying if i found
hilarious    A dead kid in a field
hilarious    
hilarious    465
hilarious    00:23:10,822 --> 00:23:13,022
hilarious    And it wasn't raining,
hilarious    I might take a shot.
hilarious    
hilarious    466
hilarious    00:23:13,024 --> 00:23:14,190
hilarious    I don't know.
hilarious    
hilarious    467
hilarious    00:23:14,192 --> 00:23:16,392
hilarious    I haven't been
hilarious    In that situation.
hilarious    
hilarious    468
hilarious    00:23:16,394 --> 00:23:19,862
hilarious    All right.
hilarious    
hilarious    469
hilarious    00:23:19,864 --> 00:23:21,463
hilarious    [Laughs]
hilarious    
hilarious    470
hilarious    00:23:21,465 --> 00:23:24,133
hilarious    Oh, sorry.
hilarious    
hilarious    471
hilarious    00:23:26,804 --> 00:23:27,971
hilarious    All right. Okay.
hilarious    
hilarious    472
hilarious    00:23:27,973 --> 00:23:31,908
hilarious    So i'm looking
hilarious    At the couple, and...
hilarious    
hilarious    473
hilarious    00:23:31,910 --> 00:23:33,075
hilarious    [Sighs]
hilarious    
hilarious    474
hilarious    00:23:37,514 --> 00:23:38,981
hilarious    They got a kid with them,
hilarious    
hilarious    475
hilarious    00:23:38,983 --> 00:23:40,215
hilarious    And i'm curious
hilarious    What their kid looks like.
hilarious    
hilarious    476
hilarious    00:23:40,217 --> 00:23:41,383
hilarious    And they come
hilarious    Around the corner,
hilarious    
hilarious    477
hilarious    00:23:41,385 --> 00:23:42,952
hilarious    And they're--and this
hilarious    Is a true story.
hilarious    
hilarious    478
hilarious    00:23:42,954 --> 00:23:44,219
hilarious    It wasn't a kid.
hilarious    
hilarious    479
hilarious    00:23:44,221 --> 00:23:50,192
hilarious    It was a little old chinese
hilarious    Woman walking next to them.
hilarious    
hilarious    480
hilarious    00:23:50,194 --> 00:23:51,861
hilarious    And here's what
hilarious    My dumb brain tells me.
hilarious    
hilarious    481
hilarious    00:23:51,863 --> 00:23:56,532
hilarious    I go, "oh, that's what
hilarious    Their child is like."
hilarious    
hilarious    482
hilarious    00:23:56,534 --> 00:23:59,301
hilarious    Not like, "oh, she's
hilarious    A separate person.
hilarious    
hilarious    483
hilarious    00:23:59,303 --> 00:24:00,703
hilarious    She's not with them."
hilarious    
hilarious    484
hilarious    00:24:00,705 --> 00:24:02,005
hilarious    I'm like,
hilarious    "Oh, that young couple

485
00:24:02,007 --> 00:24:05,141
Gave birth to a tiny,"
hilarious    Elderly chinese woman.
hilarious    
hilarious    486
hilarious    00:24:05,143 --> 00:24:07,476
hilarious    Isn't that interesting?"
hilarious    
hilarious    487
hilarious    00:24:07,478 --> 00:24:08,945
hilarious    And then the other
hilarious    Part of me had to go,
hilarious    
hilarious    488
hilarious    00:24:08,947 --> 00:24:10,813
hilarious    "Dude, you--

489
00:24:10,815 --> 00:24:13,482
Yeah, that's what happened."
hilarious    Yes.
hilarious    
hilarious    490
hilarious    00:24:13,484 --> 00:24:17,286
hilarious    Asshole."
hilarious    
hilarious    491
hilarious    00:24:17,288 --> 00:24:19,088
hilarious    And then i was looking
hilarious    At the little old chinese lady.
hilarious    
hilarious    492
hilarious    00:24:19,090 --> 00:24:21,157
hilarious    She was--there was
hilarious    A beauty to her.
hilarious    
hilarious    493
hilarious    00:24:21,159 --> 00:24:22,491
hilarious    She's just tiny, little,
hilarious    Old ch--
hilarious    
hilarious    494
hilarious    00:24:22,493 --> 00:24:24,493
hilarious    I was staring at her
hilarious    'Cause i was fascinated by her.
hilarious    
hilarious    495
hilarious    00:24:24,495 --> 00:24:25,761
hilarious    I don't know anybody like her,
hilarious    
hilarious    496
hilarious    00:24:25,763 --> 00:24:29,232
hilarious    And i am so not
hilarious    A little old chinese lady.
hilarious    
hilarious    497
hilarious    00:24:29,234 --> 00:24:31,533
hilarious    That i--i was like,
hilarious    What are her thoughts?
hilarious    
hilarious    498
hilarious    00:24:31,535 --> 00:24:33,102
hilarious    That was what
hilarious    I was burning inside with.
hilarious    
hilarious    499
hilarious    00:24:33,104 --> 00:24:34,837
hilarious    What is she thinking
hilarious    Right now?
hilarious    
hilarious    500
hilarious    00:24:34,839 --> 00:24:36,071
hilarious    I can never know.
hilarious    
hilarious    501
hilarious    00:24:36,073 --> 00:24:37,807
hilarious    And i really--the dumb brain
hilarious    
hilarious    502
hilarious    00:24:37,809 --> 00:24:39,408
hilarious    Is telling me
hilarious    That she's just thinking--
hilarious    
hilarious    503
hilarious    00:24:39,410 --> 00:24:42,277
hilarious    [Imitates chinese]
hilarious    
hilarious    504
hilarious    00:24:42,279 --> 00:24:45,748
hilarious    That's how dumb i am.
hilarious    
hilarious    505
hilarious    00:24:45,750 --> 00:24:51,054
hilarious    That i think chinese
hilarious    Gibberish that i made up...
hilarious    
hilarious    506
hilarious    00:24:52,389 --> 00:24:56,559
hilarious    Is in her
hilarious    Actually chinese mind.
hilarious    
hilarious    507
hilarious    00:24:56,561 --> 00:24:57,359
hilarious    That's all.
hilarious    Just--
hilarious    
hilarious    508
hilarious    00:24:57,361 --> 00:24:59,795
hilarious    Me chinese.
hilarious    [Imitates chinese]
hilarious    
hilarious    509
hilarious    00:25:04,835 --> 00:25:07,503
hilarious    Course i didn't--i can't know
hilarious    What she was thinking.
hilarious    
hilarious    510
hilarious    00:25:07,505 --> 00:25:08,704
hilarious    She could be thinking
hilarious    Anything.
hilarious    
hilarious    511
hilarious    00:25:08,706 --> 00:25:10,372
hilarious    Eh, black people steal.
hilarious    
hilarious    512
hilarious    00:25:10,374 --> 00:25:12,007
hilarious    So i'm like--
hilarious    
hilarious    513
hilarious    00:25:12,009 --> 00:25:13,809
hilarious    She might--
hilarious    I'm not saying they steal.
hilarious    
hilarious    514
hilarious    00:25:13,811 --> 00:25:15,611
hilarious    I'm saying that fucking
hilarious    Racist chinese lady
hilarious    
hilarious    515
hilarious    00:25:15,613 --> 00:25:16,712
hilarious    Might have been thinking it.
hilarious    
hilarious    516
hilarious    00:25:16,714 --> 00:25:19,749
hilarious    She might have been.
hilarious    It's possible.
hilarious    
hilarious    517
hilarious    00:25:24,021 --> 00:25:25,588
hilarious    And i went to England.
hilarious    
hilarious    518
hilarious    00:25:25,590 --> 00:25:27,756
hilarious    I spent a month there.
hilarious    I liked England.
hilarious    
hilarious    519
hilarious    00:25:27,758 --> 00:25:28,657
hilarious    Everything's different.
hilarious    
hilarious    520
hilarious    00:25:28,659 --> 00:25:29,959
hilarious    I mean, that's obvious,
hilarious    
hilarious    521
hilarious    00:25:29,961 --> 00:25:31,393
hilarious    But some of
hilarious    The differences were cool.
hilarious    
hilarious    522
hilarious    00:25:31,395 --> 00:25:32,628
hilarious    I like the money,
hilarious    The money--
hilarious    
hilarious    523
hilarious    00:25:32,630 --> 00:25:35,198
hilarious    Instead of a dollar bill
hilarious    They have the pound coin.
hilarious    
hilarious    524
hilarious    00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,399
hilarious    And it's a coin and
hilarious    You throw it on the counter.
hilarious    
hilarious    525
hilarious    00:25:37,401 --> 00:25:38,400
hilarious    It felt kind of cool.
hilarious    
hilarious    526
hilarious    00:25:38,402 --> 00:25:40,402
hilarious    Like the old west.
hilarious    
hilarious    527
hilarious    00:25:40,404 --> 00:25:43,305
hilarious    Like going on the--you know,
hilarious    Being on the dusty trail.
hilarious    
hilarious    528
hilarious    00:25:43,307 --> 00:25:47,110
hilarious    You see a saloon, so you walk
hilarious    Over to it with your horse.
hilarious    
hilarious    529
hilarious    00:25:47,112 --> 00:25:51,948
hilarious    You throw the rope
hilarious    Vaguely at the pole outside.
hilarious    
hilarious    530
hilarious    00:25:51,950 --> 00:25:54,884
hilarious    That thing they do.
hilarious    
hilarious    531
hilarious    00:25:54,886 --> 00:25:56,185
hilarious    It's my whole life
hilarious    On that horse.
hilarious    
hilarious    532
hilarious    00:25:56,187 --> 00:26:00,723
hilarious    Should be fine.
hilarious    Just...
hilarious    
hilarious    533
hilarious    00:26:00,725 --> 00:26:02,892
hilarious    Walk in the saloon.
hilarious    
hilarious    534
hilarious    00:26:02,894 --> 00:26:05,962
hilarious    "Give me a beer,
The bottle of whiskey,

535
00:26:05,964 --> 00:26:07,663
And a room for a week,"
hilarious    
hilarious    536
hilarious    00:26:07,665 --> 00:26:11,433
hilarious    "Steak dinner, shave
And a haircut and a bath,

537
00:26:11,435 --> 00:26:13,302
And some new clothes"
hilarious    And a hat and some boots,
hilarious    
hilarious    538
hilarious    00:26:13,304 --> 00:26:16,205
hilarious    And some oats for my horse,
hilarious    And a woman."
hilarious    
hilarious    539
hilarious    00:26:16,207 --> 00:26:18,641
hilarious    Here you go.
hilarious    Ping.
hilarious    
hilarious    540
hilarious    00:26:18,643 --> 00:26:21,144
hilarious    That's all.
hilarious    
hilarious    541
hilarious    00:26:21,146 --> 00:26:25,081
hilarious    One heavy coin.
hilarious    You're fine.
hilarious    
hilarious    542
hilarious    00:26:25,083 --> 00:26:30,153
hilarious    Nobody adds up all those things
hilarious    You mentioned.
hilarious    
hilarious    543
hilarious    00:26:30,155 --> 00:26:34,157
hilarious    They don't check
hilarious    To see what coin it was.
hilarious    
hilarious    544
hilarious    00:26:34,159 --> 00:26:37,026
hilarious    The guy just keeps
hilarious    Drying the glass.
hilarious    
hilarious    545
hilarious    00:26:40,564 --> 00:26:42,198
hilarious    Things were very vague
hilarious    Back then.
hilarious    
hilarious    546
hilarious    00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:44,033
hilarious    Things just cost money.
hilarious    
hilarious    547
hilarious    00:26:44,035 --> 00:26:45,367
hilarious    Hey, how much is that?
hilarious    
hilarious    548
hilarious    00:26:45,369 --> 00:26:49,238
hilarious    Money.
hilarious    
hilarious    549
hilarious    00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:51,174
hilarious    In the old english movies,
hilarious    It was different.
hilarious    
hilarious    550
hilarious    00:26:51,176 --> 00:26:52,809
hilarious    It was a little sack of coins.
hilarious    
hilarious    551
hilarious    00:26:52,811 --> 00:26:54,844
hilarious    Remember that little
hilarious    Drawstring sack
hilarious    
hilarious    552
hilarious    00:26:54,846 --> 00:26:57,180
hilarious    Tossed over
hilarious    By some faggy lord
hilarious    
hilarious    553
hilarious    00:26:57,182 --> 00:27:00,783
hilarious    With a ruffled shirt.
hilarious    
hilarious    554
hilarious    00:27:00,785 --> 00:27:03,119
hilarious    Throw it disdainfully down
hilarious    To some commoner
hilarious    
hilarious    555
hilarious    00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:06,355
hilarious    Who's gonna do something
hilarious    Beneath his station.
hilarious    
hilarious    556
hilarious    00:27:06,357 --> 00:27:10,426
hilarious    "Follow the girl and report
Back to me at midnight.

557
00:27:10,428 --> 00:27:12,761
Bring a shovel and a sack"
hilarious    
hilarious    558
hilarious    00:27:12,763 --> 00:27:17,900
hilarious    "And two reliable men
Such as yourselves.

559
00:27:17,902 --> 00:27:19,368
Oh, what's that?"
hilarious    Oh, yes, of course.
hilarious    
hilarious    560
hilarious    00:27:19,370 --> 00:27:21,337
hilarious    Well,
hilarious    This ought to be sufficient."
hilarious    
hilarious    561
hilarious    00:27:21,339 --> 00:27:22,705
hilarious    Meh, just--shink.
hilarious    
hilarious    562
hilarious    00:27:22,707 --> 00:27:24,773
hilarious    Oh, thank you, sir.
hilarious    
hilarious    563
hilarious    00:27:24,775 --> 00:27:29,045
hilarious    The guy's so happy
hilarious    To get a general amount
hilarious    
hilarious    564
hilarious    00:27:29,047 --> 00:27:31,280
hilarious    of some kind
hilarious    of currency or another.
hilarious    
hilarious    565
hilarious    00:27:31,282 --> 00:27:32,648
hilarious    He didn't, like, count it.
hilarious    
hilarious    566
hilarious    00:27:32,650 --> 00:27:34,717
hilarious    Like, "i think you only gave me
hilarious    Enough for the shovel.
hilarious    
hilarious    567
hilarious    00:27:34,719 --> 00:27:38,687
hilarious    There's not enough there."
hilarious    
hilarious    568
hilarious    00:27:38,689 --> 00:27:41,123
hilarious    That was a good time
hilarious    In our economy,
hilarious    
hilarious    569
hilarious    00:27:41,125 --> 00:27:43,692
hilarious    When you needed to have gold
hilarious    To buy shit.
hilarious    
hilarious    570
hilarious    00:27:43,694 --> 00:27:45,828
hilarious    We might be going back to that
hilarious    Pretty soon too.
hilarious    
hilarious    571
hilarious    00:27:45,830 --> 00:27:48,364
hilarious    Things are pretty fucked up.
hilarious    
hilarious    572
hilarious    00:27:48,366 --> 00:27:50,799
hilarious    People are a little bit scared.
hilarious    But you know what?
hilarious    
hilarious    573
hilarious    00:27:50,801 --> 00:27:52,201
hilarious    How bad could it really get?
hilarious    
hilarious    574
hilarious    00:27:52,203 --> 00:27:54,202
hilarious    I mean, most Americans
hilarious    Have so much crap
hilarious    
hilarious    575
hilarious    00:27:54,204 --> 00:27:56,071
hilarious    You could lose most of it
hilarious    
hilarious    576
hilarious    00:27:56,073 --> 00:27:57,773
hilarious    And still be--
hilarious    Have more shit
hilarious    
hilarious    577
hilarious    00:27:57,775 --> 00:27:59,208
hilarious    Than the average Canadian,
hilarious    Even.
hilarious    
hilarious    578
hilarious    00:27:59,210 --> 00:28:02,311
hilarious    Like, we're the fattest
hilarious    People in the world,
hilarious    
hilarious    579
hilarious    00:28:02,313 --> 00:28:03,679
hilarious    And we just have
hilarious    All this shit,
hilarious    
hilarious    580
hilarious    00:28:03,681 --> 00:28:04,780
hilarious    And we hate it.
hilarious    
hilarious    581
hilarious    00:28:04,782 --> 00:28:07,483
hilarious    We're just miserable
hilarious    With our phones.
hilarious    
hilarious    582
hilarious    00:28:07,485 --> 00:28:09,418
hilarious    Fucking...
hilarious    [Murmurs]
hilarious    
hilarious    583
hilarious    00:28:09,420 --> 00:28:12,488
hilarious    Just angry all the time.
hilarious    
hilarious    584
hilarious    00:28:12,490 --> 00:28:15,324
hilarious    And i worry about
hilarious    The economy failing,
hilarious    
hilarious    585
hilarious    00:28:15,326 --> 00:28:16,725
hilarious    Because we don't--
hilarious    We can't even--
hilarious    
hilarious    586
hilarious    00:28:16,727 --> 00:28:18,627
hilarious    We're miserable
hilarious    With a great life.
hilarious    
hilarious    587
hilarious    00:28:18,629 --> 00:28:19,995
hilarious    Like, i don't know
hilarious    How the fuck
hilarious    
hilarious    588
hilarious    00:28:19,997 --> 00:28:21,430
hilarious    We're gonna deal with, like,
hilarious    
hilarious    589
hilarious    00:28:21,432 --> 00:28:23,799
hilarious    When you got to move your mom
hilarious    Into the cellar and shit
hilarious    
hilarious    590
hilarious    00:28:23,801 --> 00:28:27,936
hilarious    And, like, have, like,
hilarious    Serious problems.
hilarious    
hilarious    591
hilarious    00:28:27,938 --> 00:28:29,771
hilarious    Because we have, like--
hilarious    Up till now,
hilarious    
hilarious    592
hilarious    00:28:29,773 --> 00:28:31,807
hilarious    We have white--
hilarious    We have white people problems
hilarious    
hilarious    593
hilarious    00:28:31,809 --> 00:28:33,109
hilarious    In America,
hilarious    That's what we have.
hilarious    
hilarious    594
hilarious    00:28:33,111 --> 00:28:34,910
hilarious    White people problems.
hilarious    You know what that is?
hilarious    
hilarious    595
hilarious    00:28:34,912 --> 00:28:36,412
hilarious    That's where your life
hilarious    Is amazing,
hilarious    
hilarious    596
hilarious    00:28:36,414 --> 00:28:40,649
hilarious    So you just make shit up
hilarious    To be upset about.
hilarious    
hilarious    597
hilarious    00:28:40,651 --> 00:28:42,851
hilarious    People in other countries
hilarious    Have real problems.
hilarious    
hilarious    598
hilarious    00:28:42,853 --> 00:28:44,086
hilarious    Like, "oh, shit,
hilarious    
hilarious    599
hilarious    00:28:44,088 --> 00:28:45,754
hilarious    They're cutting off
hilarious    All our heads today."
hilarious    
hilarious    600
hilarious    00:28:45,756 --> 00:28:47,489
hilarious    Things like that.
hilarious    
hilarious    601
hilarious    00:28:51,794 --> 00:28:54,029
hilarious    Here we make shit up
hilarious    To be upset about.
hilarious    
hilarious    602
hilarious    00:28:54,031 --> 00:28:56,665
hilarious    "Like, how come i have to choose
A language on the atm machine?

603
00:28:56,667 --> 00:28:58,334
It's bullshit."
hilarious    
hilarious    604
hilarious    00:29:04,708 --> 00:29:07,108
hilarious    "I shouldn't have to do that.

605
00:29:07,110 --> 00:29:10,078
I'm American."
hilarious    
hilarious    606
hilarious    00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:13,114
hilarious    God, the shit
hilarious    We bitch about.
hilarious    
hilarious    607
hilarious    00:29:13,116 --> 00:29:14,550
hilarious    I called American Airlines,
hilarious    
hilarious    608
hilarious    00:29:14,552 --> 00:29:17,052
hilarious    And i got a xstani lady.
hilarious    
hilarious    609
hilarious    00:29:17,054 --> 00:29:20,055
hilarious    And she was in Pakistan.
hilarious    
hilarious    610
hilarious    00:29:20,057 --> 00:29:24,226
hilarious    Only people near my fat,
hilarious    White body should have jobs.
hilarious    
hilarious    611
hilarious    00:29:29,966 --> 00:29:31,467
hilarious    I'll tell you what, though.
hilarious    
hilarious    612
hilarious    00:29:31,469 --> 00:29:32,735
hilarious    When i call American Airlines
hilarious    
hilarious    613
hilarious    00:29:32,737 --> 00:29:33,836
hilarious    And i get the Pakistani lady,
hilarious    
hilarious    614
hilarious    00:29:33,838 --> 00:29:35,637
hilarious    I hang up and i call again.
hilarious    
hilarious    615
hilarious    00:29:35,639 --> 00:29:36,872
hilarious    I do.
hilarious    
hilarious    616
hilarious    00:29:36,874 --> 00:29:38,340
hilarious    I'm gonna tell you honestly.
hilarious    
hilarious    617
hilarious    00:29:38,342 --> 00:29:39,808
hilarious    And it's not because
hilarious    I don't like her,
hilarious    
hilarious    618
hilarious    00:29:39,810 --> 00:29:41,710
hilarious    And it's not because
hilarious    She doesn't speak english,
hilarious    
hilarious    619
hilarious    00:29:41,712 --> 00:29:44,079
hilarious    'Cause she speaks
hilarious    Way better than i do.
hilarious    
hilarious    620
hilarious    00:29:44,081 --> 00:29:47,048
hilarious    She's just a better person.
hilarious    It's so clear.
hilarious    
hilarious    621
hilarious    00:29:47,050 --> 00:29:49,117
hilarious    And i know--here's why
hilarious    I don't like talking to her.
hilarious    
hilarious    622
hilarious    00:29:49,119 --> 00:29:50,953
hilarious    'Cause i know she doesn't
hilarious    Give a shit
hilarious    
hilarious    623
hilarious    00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:54,189
hilarious    About me and
hilarious    My white people problems.
hilarious    
hilarious    624
hilarious    00:29:54,191 --> 00:29:55,791
hilarious    I want to talk
hilarious    To the lady from Texas,
hilarious    
hilarious    625
hilarious    00:29:55,793 --> 00:29:57,559
hilarious    Who's--
hilarious    Well, how can i help you?
hilarious    
hilarious    626
hilarious    00:29:57,561 --> 00:29:59,060
hilarious    That's the lady i want.
hilarious    
hilarious    627
hilarious    00:29:59,062 --> 00:30:00,362
hilarious    I just know when i--
hilarious    
hilarious    628
hilarious    00:30:00,364 --> 00:30:01,330
hilarious    [Pakistani accent]
hilarious    Hello, American--
hilarious    
hilarious    629
hilarious    00:30:01,332 --> 00:30:02,365
hilarious    "Oh, fuck.
You don't care."
hilarious    
hilarious    630
hilarious    00:30:02,367 --> 00:30:03,999
hilarious    There's no way.
hilarious    Why would you?
hilarious    
hilarious    631
hilarious    00:30:04,001 --> 00:30:05,401
hilarious    I'm in my underwear.
hilarious    
hilarious    632
hilarious    00:30:05,403 --> 00:30:08,136
hilarious    "Hi, i have a layover
In Dallas that's really long,

633
00:30:08,138 --> 00:30:09,438
And i was wondering if--"
hilarious    
hilarious    634
hilarious    00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:10,906
hilarious    And she's like,
hilarious    "Oh, really?

635
00:30:10,908 --> 00:30:13,675
I haven't had a clean glass"
hilarious    of water in ten years, okay?
hilarious    
hilarious    636
hilarious    00:30:13,677 --> 00:30:15,477
hilarious    "Two of my kids
Died this morning.

637
00:30:15,479 --> 00:30:17,012
I still came to work,"
hilarious    You fat shit.
hilarious    
hilarious    638
hilarious    00:30:17,014 --> 00:30:18,514
hilarious    "I can hear your fat
Over the phone.

639
00:30:18,516 --> 00:30:20,616
Why don't you hang up
And kill yourself?"
hilarious    
hilarious    640
hilarious    00:30:20,618 --> 00:30:22,818
hilarious    Why would she care?
hilarious    
hilarious    641
hilarious    00:30:26,857 --> 00:30:28,690
hilarious    But we just--God.
hilarious    
hilarious    642
hilarious    00:30:28,692 --> 00:30:30,158
hilarious    Standing at the atm.
hilarious    
hilarious    643
hilarious    00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:34,329
hilarious    "I can't believe
They make me go like this.

644
00:30:34,331 --> 00:30:36,565
Stupid."
hilarious    
hilarious    645
hilarious    00:30:36,567 --> 00:30:38,901
hilarious    What the fuck
hilarious    Are you complaining about?
hilarious    
hilarious    646
hilarious    00:30:38,903 --> 00:30:43,672
hilarious    You push a button and money
hilarious    Comes out a fucking slot.
hilarious    
hilarious    647
hilarious    00:30:49,579 --> 00:30:51,080
hilarious    It didn't used to be that way.
hilarious    
hilarious    648
hilarious    00:30:51,082 --> 00:30:53,915
hilarious    When i was younger,
hilarious    You had to go in the bank.
hilarious    
hilarious    649
hilarious    00:30:53,917 --> 00:30:56,185
hilarious    Remember that?
hilarious    You had to go inside the bank.
hilarious    
hilarious    650
hilarious    00:30:56,187 --> 00:30:57,553
hilarious    Now you look in the bank,
hilarious    
hilarious    651
hilarious    00:30:57,555 --> 00:30:59,555
hilarious    You're like, "what are those
hilarious    People doing in there?
hilarious    
hilarious    652
hilarious    00:30:59,557 --> 00:31:02,057
hilarious    Are they cleaning?
hilarious    The money's out here."
hilarious    
hilarious    653
hilarious    00:31:07,030 --> 00:31:08,997
hilarious    It's amazing how different
hilarious    Shit is now,
hilarious    
hilarious    654
hilarious    00:31:08,999 --> 00:31:10,666
hilarious    And it hasn't been this way
hilarious    For a long time.
hilarious    
hilarious    655
hilarious    00:31:10,668 --> 00:31:11,867
hilarious    It's been a very short time.
hilarious    
hilarious    656
hilarious    00:31:11,869 --> 00:31:14,303
hilarious    Everybody has a phone
hilarious    In their pocket.
hilarious    
hilarious    657
hilarious    00:31:14,305 --> 00:31:15,437
hilarious    It didn't used to be
hilarious    You had a phone--
hilarious    
hilarious    658
hilarious    00:31:15,439 --> 00:31:16,872
hilarious    Just a few years ago,
hilarious    
hilarious    659
hilarious    00:31:16,874 --> 00:31:18,807
hilarious    Nobody had their phone.
hilarious    
hilarious    660
hilarious    00:31:18,809 --> 00:31:21,877
hilarious    It was just the phone.
hilarious    
hilarious    661
hilarious    00:31:21,879 --> 00:31:23,945
hilarious    It was this thing, the phone,
hilarious    
hilarious    662
hilarious    00:31:23,947 --> 00:31:27,416
hilarious    That was in a room
hilarious    In your house.
hilarious    
hilarious    663
hilarious    00:31:27,418 --> 00:31:29,418
hilarious    And then you had to dial
hilarious    This fucking thing.
hilarious    
hilarious    664
hilarious    00:31:29,420 --> 00:31:31,287
hilarious    There was a rotor,
hilarious    
hilarious    665
hilarious    00:31:31,289 --> 00:31:32,954
hilarious    And you had to turn it
hilarious    And go--
hilarious    
hilarious    666
hilarious    00:31:32,956 --> 00:31:35,657
hilarious    [Imitates rotary phone]
hilarious    
hilarious    667
hilarious    00:31:35,659 --> 00:31:38,360
hilarious    You actually hated people
hilarious    With zeros in their numbers,
hilarious    
hilarious    668
hilarious    00:31:38,362 --> 00:31:39,561
hilarious    'Cause they made you do--
hilarious    
hilarious    669
hilarious    00:31:39,563 --> 00:31:41,997
hilarious    Well, this guy's got
hilarious    A zero and a nine.
hilarious    
hilarious    670
hilarious    00:31:41,999 --> 00:31:44,166
hilarious    How badly do i want to talk
hilarious    To that piece of shit?
hilarious    
hilarious    671
hilarious    00:31:44,168 --> 00:31:47,970
hilarious    That's too much work.
hilarious    
hilarious    672
hilarious    00:31:47,972 --> 00:31:50,773
hilarious    Now we have this,
hilarious    Which is amazing.
hilarious    
hilarious    673
hilarious    00:31:50,775 --> 00:31:53,675
hilarious    We have these phones that you
hilarious    Can call in an air strike.
hilarious    
hilarious    674
hilarious    00:31:53,677 --> 00:31:56,245
hilarious    You can look at the top
hilarious    of your own head.
hilarious    
hilarious    675
hilarious    00:31:56,247 --> 00:31:58,180
hilarious    It's amazing, this shit,
hilarious    
hilarious    676
hilarious    00:31:58,182 --> 00:32:00,515
hilarious    And it's wasted
hilarious    On the shittiest generation
hilarious    
hilarious    677
hilarious    00:32:00,517 --> 00:32:02,785
hilarious    of piece of shit assholes
hilarious    That ever fucking lived.
hilarious    
hilarious    678
hilarious    00:32:02,787 --> 00:32:04,987
hilarious    I swear to God.
hilarious    We are.
hilarious    
hilarious    679
hilarious    00:32:04,989 --> 00:32:08,223
hilarious    We're the worst people so far.
hilarious    
hilarious    680
hilarious    00:32:08,225 --> 00:32:10,025
hilarious    Because we have
hilarious    This beautiful thing,
hilarious    
hilarious    681
hilarious    00:32:10,027 --> 00:32:11,226
hilarious    And we hate it.
hilarious    
hilarious    682
hilarious    00:32:11,228 --> 00:32:13,195
hilarious    We're just--
hilarious    Fucking thing.
hilarious    
hilarious    683
hilarious    00:32:13,197 --> 00:32:15,831
hilarious    I don't--
hilarious    Never saw a person going,
hilarious    
hilarious    684
hilarious    00:32:15,833 --> 00:32:17,032
hilarious    "Look at what
My phone can do."
hilarious    
hilarious    685
hilarious    00:32:17,034 --> 00:32:18,466
hilarious    Nobody does that.
hilarious    
hilarious    686
hilarious    00:32:18,468 --> 00:32:22,137
hilarious    They all go--
hilarious    "Fucking thing, it sucks.

687
00:32:22,139 --> 00:32:24,372
I can't get it to--"
hilarious    
hilarious    688
hilarious    00:32:24,374 --> 00:32:26,741
hilarious    Give it a second,
hilarious    Would you?
hilarious    
hilarious    689
hilarious    00:32:26,743 --> 00:32:29,444
hilarious    Could you give it a second?
hilarious    
hilarious    690
hilarious    00:32:29,446 --> 00:32:31,313
hilarious    It's going to space.
hilarious    
hilarious    691
hilarious    00:32:31,315 --> 00:32:36,418
hilarious    Can you give it a second
hilarious    To get back from space?
hilarious    
hilarious    692
hilarious    00:32:36,420 --> 00:32:39,254
hilarious    Is the speed of light
hilarious    Too slow for you?
hilarious    
hilarious    693
hilarious    00:32:39,256 --> 00:32:41,690
hilarious    You non-contributing,
hilarious    Product sponge cunt?
hilarious    
hilarious    694
hilarious    00:32:41,692 --> 00:32:43,391
hilarious    Can you just wait?
hilarious    
hilarious    695
hilarious    00:32:43,393 --> 00:32:48,230
hilarious    Can you just take
hilarious    A little breath?
hilarious    
hilarious    696
hilarious    00:32:48,232 --> 00:32:51,867
hilarious    Just wait for that picture of
hilarious    Axl rose to get on your phone.
hilarious    
hilarious    697
hilarious    00:32:51,869 --> 00:32:54,469
hilarious    Like it even fucking mattered
hilarious    What you were doing.
hilarious    
hilarious    698
hilarious    00:32:54,471 --> 00:32:58,040
hilarious    Like it was even important.
hilarious    
hilarious    699
hilarious    00:32:58,042 --> 00:32:59,607
hilarious    We're all just so mad.
hilarious    
hilarious    700
hilarious    00:32:59,609 --> 00:33:01,710
hilarious    "I hate my phone.
It sucks!"
hilarious    
hilarious    701
hilarious    00:33:01,712 --> 00:33:03,145
hilarious    No, it doesn't.
hilarious    
hilarious    702
hilarious    00:33:03,147 --> 00:33:05,580
hilarious    It's amazing.
hilarious    
hilarious    703
hilarious    00:33:05,582 --> 00:33:07,216
hilarious    The shittiest cell phone
hilarious    In the world
hilarious    
hilarious    704
hilarious    00:33:07,218 --> 00:33:09,351
hilarious    Is a miracle.
hilarious    
hilarious    705
hilarious    00:33:09,353 --> 00:33:12,687
hilarious    Your life sucks
hilarious    Around the phone.
hilarious    
hilarious    706
hilarious    00:33:14,690 --> 00:33:18,160
hilarious    Why are you so mad at it?
hilarious    
hilarious    707
hilarious    00:33:18,162 --> 00:33:19,829
hilarious    People say
hilarious    The craziest shit.
hilarious    
hilarious    708
hilarious    00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:24,366
hilarious    I--i hate Verizon.
hilarious    
hilarious    709
hilarious    00:33:24,368 --> 00:33:26,735
hilarious    What are you talking about?
hilarious    
hilarious    710
hilarious    00:33:26,737 --> 00:33:28,570
hilarious    How can that feeling exist?
hilarious    
hilarious    711
hilarious    00:33:28,572 --> 00:33:32,374
hilarious    I hate Verizon!
hilarious    
hilarious    712
hilarious    00:33:32,376 --> 00:33:34,442
hilarious    "Why? Did they fire you
And take away your pension?"
hilarious    
hilarious    713
hilarious    00:33:34,444 --> 00:33:38,546
hilarious    "No, it just--couple of times
It was weird for a second."
hilarious    
hilarious    714
hilarious    00:33:38,548 --> 00:33:40,949
hilarious    [Grumbles]
hilarious    
hilarious    715
hilarious    00:33:40,951 --> 00:33:45,420
hilarious    I hate them!
hilarious    
hilarious    716
hilarious    00:33:45,422 --> 00:33:46,855
hilarious    Hate Verizon.
hilarious    
hilarious    717
hilarious    00:33:46,857 --> 00:33:48,757
hilarious    Well, make your own, then.
hilarious    
hilarious    718
hilarious    00:33:48,759 --> 00:33:51,693
hilarious    You go make one.
hilarious    
hilarious    719
hilarious    00:33:51,695 --> 00:33:52,828
hilarious    Make your own network.
hilarious    
hilarious    720
hilarious    00:33:52,830 --> 00:33:56,131
hilarious    Get some hubcaps
hilarious    And climb some trees.
hilarious    
hilarious    721
hilarious    00:33:56,133 --> 00:34:00,969
hilarious    See how close
hilarious    Yours is to perfect.
hilarious    
hilarious    722
hilarious    00:34:00,971 --> 00:34:02,438
hilarious    Why would it be perfect?
hilarious    
hilarious    723
hilarious    00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:04,339
hilarious    Really,
hilarious    It's as good as it is.
hilarious    
hilarious    724
hilarious    00:34:04,341 --> 00:34:06,808
hilarious    Why do we expect it
hilarious    To be fucking perfect
hilarious    
hilarious    725
hilarious    00:34:06,810 --> 00:34:07,809
hilarious    All the fucking time?
hilarious    
hilarious    726
hilarious    00:34:07,811 --> 00:34:08,810
hilarious    We're not contributing.
hilarious    
hilarious    727
hilarious    00:34:08,812 --> 00:34:10,412
hilarious    We're not helping it be perfect.
hilarious    
hilarious    728
hilarious    00:34:10,414 --> 00:34:13,581
hilarious    We don't even know what--
hilarious    What is involved.
hilarious    
hilarious    729
hilarious    00:34:13,583 --> 00:34:15,884
hilarious    Do you have any idea
hilarious    What is involved
hilarious    
hilarious    730
hilarious    00:34:15,886 --> 00:34:17,852
hilarious    In taking your thing
hilarious    That you said
hilarious    
hilarious    731
hilarious    00:34:17,854 --> 00:34:21,189
hilarious    That nobody needs
hilarious    To ever hear ever,
hilarious    
hilarious    732
hilarious    00:34:21,191 --> 00:34:24,393
hilarious    When you go--
hilarious    Hey, what's up, dude.
hilarious    
hilarious    733
hilarious    00:34:24,395 --> 00:34:26,562
hilarious    [Blows raspberry]
hilarious    
hilarious    734
hilarious    00:34:26,564 --> 00:34:30,132
hilarious    And a little, invisible,
hilarious    Magic angel takes it, and--
hilarious    
hilarious    735
hilarious    00:34:30,134 --> 00:34:31,901
hilarious    [Whooshes]
hilarious    
hilarious    736
hilarious    00:34:35,171 --> 00:34:37,672
hilarious    God damn it.
hilarious    
hilarious    737
hilarious    00:34:37,674 --> 00:34:39,975
hilarious    Ho--"when did you
hilarious    Send me that text?"
hilarious    
hilarious    738
hilarious    00:34:39,977 --> 00:34:42,610
hilarious    If i sent it to you
hilarious    A month ago, it's amazing.
hilarious    
hilarious    739
hilarious    00:34:42,612 --> 00:34:46,815
hilarious    Whenever it gets to you,
hilarious    It's amazing.
hilarious    
hilarious    740
hilarious    00:34:46,817 --> 00:34:48,249
hilarious    Whenever it gets to you
hilarious    
hilarious    741
hilarious    00:34:48,251 --> 00:34:49,984
hilarious    In your chosen fucking font.
hilarious    
hilarious    742
hilarious    00:34:49,986 --> 00:34:54,923
hilarious    It's incredible.
hilarious    
hilarious    743
hilarious    00:34:54,925 --> 00:34:56,625
hilarious    I don't know.
hilarious    I'm not that old. I'm 41.
hilarious    
hilarious    744
hilarious    00:34:56,627 --> 00:34:58,427
hilarious    But i'm still amazed
hilarious    At the shit in my life.
hilarious    
hilarious    745
hilarious    00:34:58,429 --> 00:34:59,961
hilarious    I'm amazed at the shit
hilarious    In the world.
hilarious    
hilarious    746
hilarious    00:34:59,963 --> 00:35:03,165
hilarious    I was on a plane once,
hilarious    Like about a month ago,
hilarious    
hilarious    747
hilarious    00:35:03,167 --> 00:35:05,033
hilarious    And they had high-speed,
hilarious    Wireless internet on the plane,
hilarious    
hilarious    748
hilarious    00:35:05,035 --> 00:35:06,401
hilarious    And they had never
hilarious    Done that before.
hilarious    
hilarious    749
hilarious    00:35:06,403 --> 00:35:08,003
hilarious    They explained to us
hilarious    That we were, like,
hilarious    
hilarious    750
hilarious    00:35:08,005 --> 00:35:09,170
hilarious    One of the first aircraft.
hilarious    
hilarious    751
hilarious    00:35:09,172 --> 00:35:11,606
hilarious    And i opened up my laptop,
hilarious    And i'm online.
hilarious    
hilarious    752
hilarious    00:35:11,608 --> 00:35:13,041
hilarious    I'm looking
hilarious    At youtube and shit
hilarious    
hilarious    753
hilarious    00:35:13,043 --> 00:35:13,975
hilarious    While we're flying.
hilarious    
hilarious    754
hilarious    00:35:13,977 --> 00:35:15,510
hilarious    And then it broke down.
hilarious    
hilarious    755
hilarious    00:35:15,512 --> 00:35:17,713
hilarious    And the woman says, "i'm sorry,
hilarious    But we have to fix the internet,
hilarious    
hilarious    756
hilarious    00:35:17,715 --> 00:35:19,113
hilarious    So it's down
hilarious    For the rest of the flight."
hilarious    
hilarious    757
hilarious    00:35:19,115 --> 00:35:24,286
hilarious    The guy next to me goes,
hilarious    It's fucking bullshit.
hilarious    
hilarious    758
hilarious    00:35:24,288 --> 00:35:27,222
hilarious    I'm, like, "dude, how does
hilarious    The world owe you something
hilarious    
hilarious    759
hilarious    00:35:27,224 --> 00:35:30,192
hilarious    You didn't even know existed
hilarious    30 seconds ago?"
hilarious    
hilarious    760
hilarious    00:35:33,129 --> 00:35:34,663
hilarious    People on planes
hilarious    Are the worst.
hilarious    
hilarious    761
hilarious    00:35:34,665 --> 00:35:36,532
hilarious    People on planes,
hilarious    They complain.
hilarious    
hilarious    762
hilarious    00:35:36,534 --> 00:35:38,433
hilarious    They get off the plane,
hilarious    They come to your house,
hilarious    
hilarious    763
hilarious    00:35:38,435 --> 00:35:41,569
hilarious    And they tell you about
hilarious    Your whole flight experience.
hilarious    
hilarious    764
hilarious    00:35:41,571 --> 00:35:44,305
hilarious    And they make it sound
hilarious    Like it was fucking a--
hilarious    
hilarious    765
hilarious    00:35:44,307 --> 00:35:46,041
hilarious    A cattle car
hilarious    In Poland in the '40s.
hilarious    
hilarious    766
hilarious    00:35:46,043 --> 00:35:47,042
hilarious    They just make it--
hilarious    
hilarious    767
hilarious    00:35:47,044 --> 00:35:51,446
hilarious    "That was the worst
Day of my life.

768
00:35:51,448 --> 00:35:54,850
I had to sit on the runway"
hilarious    
hilarious    769
hilarious    00:35:54,852 --> 00:35:57,252
hilarious    For 40 minutes."
hilarious    
hilarious    770
hilarious    00:35:57,254 --> 00:35:58,987
hilarious    That's a story
hilarious    In this country.
hilarious    
hilarious    771
hilarious    00:35:58,989 --> 00:36:01,089
hilarious    That's a fucking hardship,
hilarious    
hilarious    772
hilarious    00:36:01,091 --> 00:36:04,226
hilarious    That you had to sit
hilarious    On the runway.
hilarious    
hilarious    773
hilarious    00:36:04,228 --> 00:36:06,128
hilarious    People will listen
hilarious    To that story.
hilarious    
hilarious    774
hilarious    00:36:06,130 --> 00:36:08,029
hilarious    They'll stop doing the dishes
hilarious    And turn around and go,
hilarious    
hilarious    775
hilarious    00:36:08,031 --> 00:36:10,398
hilarious    "Oh, my God, really?
For 40 minutes?

776
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:14,535
That's awful.
You should sue them."
hilarious    
hilarious    777
hilarious    00:36:18,341 --> 00:36:21,576
hilarious    "I had to sit on the runway
For 40 minutes."
hilarious    
hilarious    778
hilarious    00:36:21,578 --> 00:36:23,445
hilarious    Oh, my God, really?
hilarious    What happened then?
hilarious    
hilarious    779
hilarious    00:36:23,447 --> 00:36:27,316
hilarious    Did you fly through the air
hilarious    Like a bird?
hilarious    
hilarious    780
hilarious    00:36:27,318 --> 00:36:28,750
hilarious    Incredibly?
hilarious    
hilarious    781
hilarious    00:36:28,752 --> 00:36:33,188
hilarious    Did you soar
hilarious    Into the clouds impossibly?
hilarious    
hilarious    782
hilarious    00:36:33,190 --> 00:36:37,492
hilarious    Did you partake
hilarious    In the miracle of human flight?
hilarious    
hilarious    783
hilarious    00:36:37,494 --> 00:36:40,662
hilarious    And then land softly
hilarious    On giant tires
hilarious    
hilarious    784
hilarious    00:36:40,664 --> 00:36:41,964
hilarious    That you couldn't
hilarious    Even conceive
hilarious    
hilarious    785
hilarious    00:36:41,966 --> 00:36:43,998
hilarious    How they fucking
hilarious    Put air in them?
hilarious    
hilarious    786
hilarious    00:36:48,304 --> 00:36:50,973
hilarious    How dare you.
hilarious    
hilarious    787
hilarious    00:36:50,975 --> 00:36:53,742
hilarious    Bitching about flying.
hilarious    
hilarious    788
hilarious    00:36:53,744 --> 00:36:55,544
hilarious    "I had to pay
For my sandwich."
hilarious    
hilarious    789
hilarious    00:36:55,546 --> 00:36:59,848
hilarious    You're flying!
hilarious    
hilarious    790
hilarious    00:36:59,850 --> 00:37:03,452
hilarious    You're sitting in a chair
hilarious    In the sky.
hilarious    
hilarious    791
hilarious    00:37:06,756 --> 00:37:09,224
hilarious    You're like a greek myth
hilarious    Right now.
hilarious    
hilarious    792
hilarious    00:37:12,228 --> 00:37:14,062
hilarious    "But it doesn't
Go back very far,

793
00:37:14,064 --> 00:37:17,198
And it's sort of
Squishing my knees."
hilarious    
hilarious    794
hilarious    00:37:22,204 --> 00:37:24,406
hilarious    The Wright Brothers would
hilarious    kick us all right in the cunt
hilarious    
hilarious    795
hilarious    00:37:24,408 --> 00:37:27,209
hilarious    If they knew.
hilarious    
hilarious    796
hilarious    00:37:27,211 --> 00:37:32,981
hilarious    If--if you could go back
hilarious    In time to Orville Wright
hilarious    
hilarious    797
hilarious    00:37:32,983 --> 00:37:36,718
hilarious    And go, "hey, dude, i had to sit
hilarious    On the runway for 40 minutes."
hilarious    
hilarious    798
hilarious    00:37:36,720 --> 00:37:38,453
hilarious    And he'd be like,
hilarious    "Oh, shit,

799
00:37:38,455 --> 00:37:40,889
Well, let's
Not even bother, then."
hilarious    
hilarious    800
hilarious    00:37:42,091 --> 00:37:43,725
hilarious    "Hey, Wendell, shut it down.

801
00:37:43,727 --> 00:37:45,727
They make you wait for a bit."
hilarious    
hilarious    802
hilarious    00:37:45,729 --> 00:37:49,798
hilarious    That hardly seems worth it."
hilarious    
hilarious    803
hilarious    00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:51,900
hilarious    There's always delays.
hilarious    
hilarious    804
hilarious    00:37:51,902 --> 00:37:53,501
hilarious    That's what everybody
hilarious    Complains about.
hilarious    
hilarious    805
hilarious    00:37:53,503 --> 00:37:54,836
hilarious    There's always delays
hilarious    When i fly.
hilarious    
hilarious    806
hilarious    00:37:54,838 --> 00:37:56,972
hilarious    Really? Delays.
hilarious    It's too slow.
hilarious    
hilarious    807
hilarious    00:37:56,974 --> 00:37:58,840
hilarious    Air travel's too slow.
hilarious    
hilarious    808
hilarious    00:37:58,842 --> 00:38:01,577
hilarious    New York to California
hilarious    In six hours.
hilarious    
hilarious    809
hilarious    00:38:01,579 --> 00:38:05,146
hilarious    That used to take 30 years,
hilarious    To do that,
hilarious    
hilarious    810
hilarious    00:38:05,148 --> 00:38:07,849
hilarious    And a bunch of you would die
hilarious    On the way there.
hilarious    
hilarious    811
hilarious    00:38:07,851 --> 00:38:10,819
hilarious    You'd get shot in the neck
hilarious    With an arrow and you'd go--
hilarious    
hilarious    812
hilarious    00:38:10,821 --> 00:38:12,788
hilarious    [Gags]
hilarious    And fall down.
hilarious    
hilarious    813
hilarious    00:38:12,790 --> 00:38:14,723
hilarious    And the other passengers
hilarious    Would just bury you
hilarious    
hilarious    814
hilarious    00:38:14,725 --> 00:38:18,860
hilarious    And put a stick there with your
hilarious    Hat on it and keep walking.
hilarious    
hilarious    815
hilarious    00:38:18,862 --> 00:38:20,462
hilarious    And one of 'em
hilarious    Would fuck your wife
hilarious    
hilarious    816
hilarious    00:38:20,464 --> 00:38:23,732
hilarious    And have three babies.
hilarious    
hilarious    817
hilarious    00:38:23,734 --> 00:38:26,134
hilarious    And all the old people
hilarious    Would die.
hilarious    
hilarious    818
hilarious    00:38:26,136 --> 00:38:27,803
hilarious    You'd be a whole different
hilarious    Group of people
hilarious    
hilarious    819
hilarious    00:38:27,805 --> 00:38:32,006
hilarious    By the time
hilarious    You got to California.
hilarious    
hilarious    820
hilarious    00:38:32,008 --> 00:38:33,775
hilarious    Now you watch
hilarious    An Adam Sandler movie
hilarious    
hilarious    821
hilarious    00:38:33,777 --> 00:38:36,445
hilarious    And you take a big, runny dump
hilarious    And you're there.
hilarious    
hilarious    822
hilarious    00:38:43,819 --> 00:38:46,388
hilarious    I was, uh, i was flying
hilarious    About a week ago,
hilarious    
hilarious    823
hilarious    00:38:46,390 --> 00:38:48,256
hilarious    And, uh, i was in the airport,
hilarious    
hilarious    824
hilarious    00:38:48,258 --> 00:38:49,757
hilarious    And i saw this really old man,
hilarious    
hilarious    825
hilarious    00:38:49,759 --> 00:38:51,426
hilarious    And he's on--
hilarious    He's on a wheelchair.
hilarious    
hilarious    826
hilarious    00:38:51,428 --> 00:38:52,661
hilarious    I can fucking hear
hilarious    That shit,
hilarious    
hilarious    827
hilarious    00:38:52,663 --> 00:38:53,629
hilarious    So back the fuck off.
hilarious    
hilarious    828
hilarious    00:38:53,631 --> 00:38:55,630
hilarious    I can hear
hilarious    It in your headsets.
hilarious    
hilarious    829
hilarious    00:38:55,632 --> 00:38:58,366
hilarious    Just careful.
hilarious    Or turn them down.
hilarious    
hilarious    830
hilarious    00:38:58,368 --> 00:39:00,902
hilarious    Sorry to fuck up
hilarious    The entire show for that,
hilarious    
hilarious    831
hilarious    00:39:00,904 --> 00:39:01,903
hilarious    But i could hear--
hilarious    
hilarious    832
hilarious    00:39:01,905 --> 00:39:03,104
hilarious    [Imitates earpiece chatter]
hilarious    
hilarious    833
hilarious    00:39:03,106 --> 00:39:04,105
hilarious    "Get closer to him.

834
00:39:04,107 --> 00:39:05,139
No, it's okay, it's fine."
hilarious    
hilarious    835
hilarious    00:39:05,141 --> 00:39:06,908
hilarious    Get closer to him.
hilarious    He won't mind."
hilarious    
hilarious    836
hilarious    00:39:10,713 --> 00:39:12,614
hilarious    All right.
hilarious    Wait a second.
hilarious    
hilarious    837
hilarious    00:39:12,616 --> 00:39:15,083
hilarious    [Cheers and applause]
hilarious    
hilarious    838
hilarious    00:39:23,359 --> 00:39:27,195
hilarious    Okay, uh,
hilarious    This about where i was?
hilarious    
hilarious    839
hilarious    00:39:27,197 --> 00:39:28,864
hilarious    Okay.
hilarious    
hilarious    840
hilarious    00:39:28,866 --> 00:39:29,764
hilarious    [Audience member shouts]
hilarious    
hilarious    841
hilarious    00:39:29,766 --> 00:39:30,832
hilarious    That's right.
hilarious    I was on a--
hilarious    
hilarious    842
hilarious    00:39:30,834 --> 00:39:35,437
hilarious    I was in the, um...
hilarious    
hilarious    843
hilarious    00:39:35,439 --> 00:39:36,905
hilarious    I was in the airport.
hilarious    
hilarious    844
hilarious    00:39:36,907 --> 00:39:38,673
hilarious    Ugh...
hilarious    
hilarious    845
hilarious    00:39:38,675 --> 00:39:40,441
hilarious    Tot--just drenched right now.
hilarious    
hilarious    846
hilarious    00:39:40,443 --> 00:39:43,278
hilarious    Totally drenched.
hilarious    
hilarious    847
hilarious    00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:46,381
hilarious    It's like i peed.
hilarious    It's crazy.
hilarious    
hilarious    848
hilarious    00:39:52,121 --> 00:39:54,823
hilarious    Okay, so i'm in the airport,
hilarious    
hilarious    849
hilarious    00:39:54,825 --> 00:39:56,524
hilarious    And i'm going through security,
hilarious    
hilarious    850
hilarious    00:39:56,526 --> 00:39:59,127
hilarious    And they bring this old man
hilarious    In a wheelchair,
hilarious    
hilarious    851
hilarious    00:39:59,129 --> 00:40:01,696
hilarious    And he was...
hilarious    
hilarious    852
hilarious    00:40:01,698 --> 00:40:02,931
hilarious    Crazy old.
hilarious    
hilarious    853
hilarious    00:40:02,933 --> 00:40:05,000
hilarious    I mean, he was the oldest thing
hilarious    I've ever seen.
hilarious    
hilarious    854
hilarious    00:40:05,002 --> 00:40:07,402
hilarious    I've been
hilarious    To museums and shit.
hilarious    
hilarious    855
hilarious    00:40:07,404 --> 00:40:09,036
hilarious    This dude...
hilarious    
hilarious    856
hilarious    00:40:09,038 --> 00:40:11,038
hilarious    I didn't know
hilarious    There had been as much time
hilarious    
hilarious    857
hilarious    00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:12,507
hilarious    As this guy was old.
hilarious    
hilarious    858
hilarious    00:40:12,509 --> 00:40:14,676
hilarious    I mean,
hilarious    He was at least forever.</